When Burt woke the next morning, he was amazed to see it was nearly nine. He was so used to waking up early for work that even on the rare occasions he took time off, his body clock still usually had him waking up bright and early. He had asked Mike to open up this morning to give himself a chance to run to the shops and find a suitable gift for Carol. He had narrowed it down to a few ideas but when he had run them by Kurt, his son had shot them all down and offered to accompany him to the shops to find something.
Seeing as they had plans together, Burt was surprised to see Kurt's bedroom door still closed as he went to go downstairs. Even if it was strange for himself to be up so late, it was completely unheard of for Kurt. The boy hated to waste time in bed and had long ago conditioned himself to be up and dressed before it was even light out so he could get a head start on the day. If he didn't already have plans or schoolwork to complete, he would be scribbling ideas in notepads or crafting behind a sewing machine. He knew his son worked hard and he was proud of him for it, but it didn't stop Burt from worrying about him.
Changing course away from the stairs, Burt stopped in front of the closed door and tapped lightly.
"Kurt, Buddy? You up?"
When there was no response, he opened to door to let himself in.
"Kurt?" He tried again, stepping inside. Everything was perfectly organised and in its correct place, except the duvet covers that were piled in a heap on top of the bed. He was obviously under all of the blankets, but it was so unlike him that Burt let out a small chuckle.
He remembered Kurt had been out the night before and had not returned by the time Burt had gone to bed so could only assume that his son was nursing one hell of a hangover. He shouldn't have found that as amusing as he did, but it was so rare that he ever needed to actually be the parent in their relationship anymore. Usually it felt like Kurt was the one always looking after him. Still, there was no point lecturing his son on the downside of drinking as he seemed to be experiencing it all first hand.
A groan came from under the covers and Burt looked over at the time. He decided it would be best to wake the sleeping boy as then it would give them enough time to get some sustenance into his body before they headed out to the shops.
"Rise and shine, sleepyhead," he sing-songed as he pulled back the duvet. In reaction, the boy underneath rolled over onto his back, giving Burt a clear view of a dark mass of curls atop a shirtless body. If that wasn't a big enough shock to deal with first thing in the morning, the fact that Burt recognised the boy in his son's bed made the whole situation even worse. He shot out the room and immediately went in search of his son.
Kurt was sat downstairs at the kitchen table nursing his third cup of coffee. He felt exhausted, physically and mentally. Plus, he was annoyed because he knew no amount of skin care could make up the damage caused by his lack of sleep and subsequent caffeine intake. He didn't need to look in the mirror to know that he would be greeted with a paler than usual reflection accompanied by dark circles under his eyes.
Looking up when he heard someone else enter the kitchen, he tensed at the idea that he might be about to have to face Blaine. He wasn't ready to deal with that yet, even though it was all he had been agonising over all night.
He was slightly relieved when he instead found his Dad in the doorway, looking slightly shell shocked.
"Care to tell me why I just went into your room to find Blaine asleep in your bed? And with not much on in the way of clothes I might add?"
Kurt cringed at visual reminder his Dad's words created. Maybe dealing with Blaine might have been a better option than this.
"It's not what it looks like. I bumped into Blaine last night when I was out, and he was more than a little worse of wear, so I offered to get him home safely."
That was enough to calm Burt down and he pulled out the chair beside Kurt and took a seat. Finally giving his son a once over, he noticed the black coffee along with the tell-tale signs of sleep deprivation.
"Have you slept at all?" Burt asked.
"I lay on the sofa for a bit."
That meant no.
"Kurt." Without saying anymore, they both knew that wasn't the answer Burt wanted to hear.
"You need sleep, you can't live off coffee."
"I'll be fine. I'll go to bed early tonight." Kurt stood and took his now empty cup over to the sink to wash it up. "Are we still heading out to get Carol's gift?"
"I'm ready when you are." Burt confirmed. He watched his son dry the mug and place it back in the cupboard before reaching for apple to take with him. Before he managed to escape, Burt spoke up. It came out a bit rushed as he felt flustered on how to approach the subject.
"How are you feeling? I mean, did anything happen that you want to talk about? I know what I said last time about Blaine and I still stand by that, but if…"
Kurt interrupted quickly, not wanting to hear anymore.
"Nothing happened, Dad. We got a cab back, I managed to get him to drink some water and then he passed out."
Burt could tell his son was holding out on him, but he had already spoken his mind on the matter and he wasn't about to repeat himself. Not to mention that Kurt currently looked like he wouldn't hold up so well to any further questioning. Burt knew his son often internalised his problems and let them eat away at him.
In the past he would have pushed for Kurt to open up and try and talk about the issue, but he had come to learn that best thing he could do was be available for when he was ready to talk. It wasn't easy. Kurt looking so fragile which wasn't something Burt was used to seeing all that often anymore.
"Ok. Just let me grab my keys and we can head out. Thanks for doing this by the way, I'm sure Carol will be grateful as well."
For the first time that morning, Kurt genuinely smiled as he shook his head at his Dad. "There was no way I could let you get her a new food processor as her Christmas gift."
"Hey," Burt tried to defend himself. "When hers broke the other week, she said she would need to get a new one. It's practical and something she needs, plus the advert said it's top of the range."
"I have no doubt that it is. I'm just saying that it's not suitable as a Christmas present."
"Fine. But if all you point out is some ridiculously expensive square of fabric that you call a scarf, I'm going back to my idea."
Later that day, the two men arrived back home with a few shopping bags in tow. Burt had complained that he didn't see why the jumper Kurt had found was a better gift that what he had thought of but bought it anyhow, despite the hefty price tag. He didn't tell Kurt, but he also ordered the food processor while Kurt had been distracted in the menswear section. They went through their usual dance of Kurt pointing out items that might make good gifts before Burt gave in and took one of them to the counter to get. He liked to make a big show of it but was internal grateful that he didn't have to risk buying Kurt something that he might not like.
"Thanks again for today. I'm gonna go and hide these away." Burt gestured towards the bags he was holding before heading off down the hallway. Kurt also went straight to his room, having to wrap up the last few items he had got today as well as checking that the shirt he had treated himself to would complete the outfit he had envision for Christmas day.
Even though he was sure Blaine would have gone home by now, he still hesitated for a moment at the door just in case the boy was still there. Moments later he was relieved to find the room empty even though he knew it was just delaying the inevitable. He could only hope that Blaine wouldn't bring up anything during the holidays seeing as he didn't want to distract from the celebrations in any way.
The other hope was that Blaine had no recollection of what had transpired once they got back to the house. If so, he was the lucky one in Kurt's opinion. Kurt couldn't stop reliving the whole thing. He considered it to be both a blessing and a curse but was leaning more towards the latter at this point.
He had managed to avoid answering Blaine's question as the cab driver pulled up over and let them know the fare. Kurt quickly pulled out a few billed and handed them over before stepping out the car expecting Blaine to follow. He had been surprised to find that in the space of a few seconds, the boy that had been staring him down demanding to know how Kurt felt towards him, was now nearly asleep and struggling to keep his eyes open.
It was a slow process but Kurt finally managed to help him inside and up the stairs. Knowing his brother was staying over at Puck's, Kurt knew he could let Blaine crash there. Finn's room was further down the hallway than Kurt's, so they stopped en route to find Blaine some of Kurt's clothes to change into. Whatever he picked would have been too big as Kurt was slightly taller but they wouldn't swamp the boy anywhere near as much as something belonging to Finn.
Kurt positioned Blaine so that he was leaning against the door frame with his eyes closed as to rummage in his wardrobe. Grabbing the first pair of lounge pants and a top, he turned back to find that Blaine had managed to make it from the doorway over to the bed and now looked to be passed out under the covers.
Kurt considered if would be worth trying to move him but was put off by the memory of how Blaine had pretty much been a dead weight as he had tried to manoeuvre them both up the stairs. What sealed the deal was the fact that he stumbled over a pile of clothes on the floor which alerted him to the fact that Blaine had removed his jeans and shirt before climbing into his bed. Kurt could have sworn that he had only left the boy alone for a few seconds.
Such a situation had come to mind many times before as part of his fantasies – the boy that played the main lead in all his dreams, more or less naked and in his bed – but the reality of it was stirring up emotions that were the complete opposite of what he had expected.
His heart was pounding loudly in his chest while also aching painfully. Seeing what he had dreamt of right in front of his eyes just served as blunt reminder of what he could never have. Some higher being was currently mocking him, he was sure of it.
He had to take pity on Blaine, as it wasn't the other boys fault. He didn't know what he was doing to Kurt just by being here and it was Kurt that had offered to take him home. As with every other time he had felt his heart being torn apart, he had brought it all on himself but it didn't mean it hurt any less.
Forcing his feet to start moving, he made it to the kitchen to prepare a large glass of cold water and stopped by the bathroom to gather some painkillers before returning to his room. He set everything out on the bedside table in clear view so that Blaine could easily find them when he woke up.
Then he should have left.
He should have stopped torturing himself by standing so close to the boy who had barely an hour ago been begging to know why he was so un-loveable.
His heart was still screaming at him for not properly correcting him earlier. If he had only told him the truth - that he was pretty sure he was the only person Kurt had every truly been in love with.
But what good would it have done either of them? At least this way, Kurt took the brunt of the pain and hopefully Blaine could easily move on from his crush, relatively unharmed.
If Kurt had left, he wouldn't have subjected himself to further heartache when Blaine started to stir in front of him. The boy under the blankets made a few unintelligible groans and turned to face Kurt with a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead.
Kurt perched himself on the edge of the bed and reached out his hand to check the boys temperature. At the touch of his hand, Blaine's eyes fluttered opened and stared directly at Kurt with a clear intensity.
"Are you feeling okay? Do you think you are going to be sick?"
Instead of answering, Blaine reached up his own hand to take Kurt's that was still touching his head and pulled the older boy down to the bed beside him. Due to the way he had been sitting, Kurt fell on the mattress facing away from Blaine, but as soon as he was down, two arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him closer to the bare chest behind him. His muscles automatically tensed at being in such close proximity to another person, something he reserved for a select few, but soon after his body relaxed into the embrace even if his mind was still freaking out in a million and one different ways.
"Stay." Blaine asked softly as he nuzzled closer.
It sounded like such an innocent request. Kurt was instantly flooded with the memories of every time in his life he felt ever so lonely, every time he had wished for someone that wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with them, every time he had dreamt of being held like this. With Blaine on the verge of sleep, Kurt allowed himself this much, readjusting himself slightly so that they slotted together perfectly side by side.
The teen nuzzled closer, hooking his chin over shoulder in front of him. Each breath from then on fanned warm air over the expanse of exposed skin just below Kurt's left ear. The older boy couldn't contain the gasp that escaped his lips in response to feeling that set off goosebumps under the layers of clothes he was still wearing. Every section of his body had become more sensitive and Kurt couldn't even begin to process what was going on. He was pretty sure his mind had completely short circuited.
The hand draped over his torso shifted slightly before coming to rest dangerously close to his hip bone. At the same time, Blaine had also moved one of his legs forward and hooked it between Kurt's. All the sudden sensations had Kurt frozen to the spot, lost in how incredible it felt but also too scared to move and break the spell between them.
Kurt knew he should be stopping this. Blaine was not in the right headspace to be making any sensible decisions so Kurt needed to be the level headed one.
"You smell amazing." Blaine's voice was now heavy with sleep, but the low whisper sent a shiver straight down Kurt's spine. Blaine's arms moved back up to around Kurt's torso, managing to find Kurt's own hand in the process and entwining their fingers. Feeling content in this new position, Blaine finally let sleep overtake him once more.
Kurt listened as breathing finally evened out from the boy holding him. For the second that night, Kurt knew at this point he should have got up and left the room, but he couldn't get his body to move. The limited intimacy he had experienced with others had never felt as natural or as comfortable as the feeling of being held by Blaine.
His mind was shouting at him to remove himself from the situation, that he was letting himself fall down a deep hole that would be near impossible to climb out of, yet he couldn't deny that he was somewhat drunk off of the overwhelming feeling of love radiating off of Blaine. It didn't make sense that it was wrong when everything between them had felt so right.
Just knowing that someone thought he was worthy of all this attention was addictive. The fact that the person giving him that attention was Blaine, meant more than he could put into words.
If it wasn't already a huge mistake to allow everything that had happened so far, Kurt went that one step further by allowing himself to think about those two simple words that he adamantly hated when placed together. The two words he had berated Blaine for bringing up earlier.
What if?
The second he allowed the thought to enter his mind, he regretted it as he knew he would. This was everything he wanted but if he allowed any of it to happen it could cause so many problems to all those he loved. His Dad had blatantly said he was against it all, Finn would hate him for stealing his best friend and when it all went wrong, would that mean Blaine would no longer be a part of his life in any capacity?
Even though the payoff could be everything he could have hoped for and more, there was just too much at risk.
If by some miracle his fears were unfounded and everything worked out perfectly between them, it would only be for a limited time. It would be selfish of him to tie the boy into a relationship when he wanted so much more than Blaine could give him. Blaine was young and deserved the chance to be free and single, not tied down. Kurt knew he wouldn't be able to handle the rejection that would inevitably come when it all didn't work out.
Who was the idiot that said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
His thoughts had quickly turned dark as he realised he had just made the whole thing so much harder on himself. Before he had to continuously try and deny his feelings for Blaine, but that was easier when he could convince himself it was all one sided. Now he had received a taste of the affection he yearned for but was never allowed to have again.
The caste clumsy kiss they had share last time had tormented him for weeks but now he had to live with the knowledge that Blaine reciprocated his feelings. Could he still brush it off as puppy love when it was still there after all these months?
As he allowed himself to remain there a few minutes more, savouring the moment for as long as possible, he felt the first tear escape and carve a line down his cheek towards the mattress. A few more escaped and followed the same path before he managed to pull himself together.
It was nearing 4am when Kurt moved slowly, untangling himself from Blaine's limbs before swiftly retreating downstairs to face his demons alone.