Chapter 8: Guilt

Right after breakfast, Mary and Little Joe started working on Ben's list of chores and cleaned out the fire place together. Mary had hardly said anything all morning and made a sad face as she swept up the ashes and filled them in a bucket. From the corner of his eye, Joe looked at her and felt like it was his job to lighten up the mood, so, he put some ashes in the palm of his hand and blew it in her direction, which made Mary turn her head.

Joe looked at the ceiling. "T'wasn't me."

She smirked and did the same. It didn't take long and they were smearing each other's faces with ashes, laughing loudly and overhearing the front door opening.

"Eh-hum." Ben cleared his throat. They stopped and looked at him and were relieved when they saw him grinning. "I'm glad you're enjoying your chores." He picked up his hat and gun-belt. "Don't spread the mess all over the house and see to it that you're getting done. See you at lunch."

"See you later, Pa." Joe waited for the door to close, then smeared another load of ashes in Mary's hair. She picked up the small shovel and used it to fill dirt in his collar, grinning fiendishly.

"Ok… truce.", laughed Joe and was glad that he had been able to cheer her up. "Let's get on with it or we'll still be working on that list by Christmas."

Mary's good mood didn't last long. She ate only half of her meals and spent most of her spare time in her room. During chores, she only spoke when it couldn't be avoided and she refused to play any games or to go riding. After two days, Ben asked her what was wrong but didn't get an answer. Even though he was concerned, he decided to leave her be and let her come to him on her own terms.

oooOOOooo

In the evening, Adam rode tiredly into the yard. The entire day he had checked fences and looked for strays, so he wanted to do nothing but sit down and put his feet up. With the rest of his strength, he brushed down his horse, put it in the stall, picked up a bucket and went to the pipe. While yawning loudly, he pumped water in the bucket and was about to give it to his horse, when he suddenly noticed an odd smell. He pulled the water away from the animal's mouth and realized that the inside of the bucket was stained with algae. Quickly, he walked out of the barn and poured the water on the ground with a loud splash.

"Mary!", he yelled. "Maaary!"

She looked up from the porch, where she had been reading one of Little Joe's books for the last hours. "What is it?!"

"Come to me, please!"

She rolled her eyes, put the book down and reluctantly went to the barn.

"Do you see that?", said Adam and showed her the bucket's inside.

"Yes.", she said bored. "A bucket."

"It's your responsibility to clean it. Come with me…", Adam went inside the barn and picked up two other buckets. "They look just as bad. You're supposed to scrub them out every three days, not every three weeks."

"I got a ton of other chores from your Pa!"

"That's no excuse. If you can't do it alone, ask someone to help you, but you can't just ignore it. That filth makes the horses sick… it could even kill them."

Mary let herself fall on a bale of hay. "Then buy new ones…"

Adam felt his temper rising and pressed his lips together. He let go of the buckets, which fell rustling to the ground. Then he sat down on the bale of hay next to Mary.

"Alright, you've been moping around for three days now. I thought you'd be pleased that you got your pocket watch back. Now tell me what is wrong."

Mary stared at the cobwebs in the corner of the ceiling.

"Come on… out with it.", he said strictly and Mary took a deep breath.

"Is my Pa… like those men?"

Adam had not expected that kind of question and blinked nervously. "Well… what do you think?", was the best answer he could think of.

She sighed. "I reckon he is."

"Nobody is exactly like someone else. We're all different. We have different motives, different experiences. Do you want to tell me more about your Pa?"

Mary told Adam how he had always protected her and had taught her everything he knew. He had felt bad that he couldn't buy her proper clothes and that they had simple food all the time. "He had a job sometimes and then we would have enough money… but that was only for a couple of months at a time. Sometimes he went out at night, but never told me where he was goin'. I heard voices of other men in front of our shack in the middle of the night and was scared they'd hurt him. One night, there was no more food in the house and my Pa said, he'd go to the store to get us somethin'. He never came back, but instead, the Sheriff picked me up and told me he's in jail. He never wanted to shoot that man, he told me t'was supposed to be a warnin' shot but there was somethin' wrong with his gun, so he hit him in the arm."

"I know. I heard it during the trial."

"You were there?"

"I was in the audience. Mary…" Adam looked her in the eyes. "Your Pa isn't like those men. He made some poor choices but he isn't a bad man… the way he took care of you shows that."

"You really think so?"

"I really do." Adam smiled and slapped her shoulder. "Now let's clean out those buckets." He picked up a brush from a shelf on the wall and threw it to Mary, who caught it with one hand and smiled back at him.

oooOOOooo

It was a quiet dinner that night but because of Adam's words, Mary was in a much better mood and had gained her appetite back. Adam began telling his father how the strays were scattered all over the place and how it took him twenty minutes to crawl into the brush and free a stubborn calf. Ben however, looked tiredly at his son, blinked slowly and said nothing but uh-hm. Just when Adam was about to ask, what was wrong, Hop Sing entered with a steaming apple pie in his hands. Ben turned his head and waved at him.

"Thank you, Hop Sing, none for me." He stood up and pressed his eyes closed. "I'm not feeling very well tonight. I'll turn in early, good night."

"Should we get the doctor?", asked Adam.

"No, I just need some rest." Ben left the table and slowly walked upstairs, followed by his son's and Mary's eyes.

Around midnight, Adam woke up from the sound of his door opening. Slowly, he opened his eyes and saw a dark silhouette in his room.

"Adam…", whispered Ben and he raised his head. "Would you get Doc Martin, please?" Suddenly, Adam was wide awake, jumped out of bed and looked at his father leaning against the door frame, breathing heavily. The dim light from the lamps in the hallway showed the sweat on his face. "What's wrong?" Adam grabbed his pant from the back of a chair and put it on.

"I'm burning up and my arm feels like it's on fire."

"Pa… we should have gotten a doctor right away."

"No lectures, please… and don't wake the others. I don't want them to worry."

"Never mind about not worrying anybody… I'll tell Hoss to stay with you and get you a wet cloth for the fever. Now please lie down." Adam put his hand on Ben's back, led him to his room and quietly woke up Hoss, without disturbing Joe or Mary.

Then Adam rushed downstairs and rode as fast as he could through the dark night with only a small lantern to light up the road, desperately hoping that the doctor wasn't out of town.

oooOOOooo

Paul Martin scrutinized Ben's arm while Hoss held the lamp close to the wound. "Ben, you got an infection there, nothing serious, but still… ."

"Can you get rid of it?", asked Hoss and Ben moaned.

"I have something that should help…" The doctor's voice revealed that he was dead tired, however he forced himself to keep his eyes open and rummaged through his bag. He pulled out a small bottle with brown liquid and poured some of it on a white cloth, when Mary suddenly stood in the door frame of Ben's bedroom, wiping her face.

"What's goin' on?", she yawned and Adam took her to the hallway and explained everything.

Doc Martin held up the cloth. "Alright Ben, it won't sting long, but it will sting… ready?"

"I'm ready.", sighed Ben. It followed an anguished cry, as soon as the cloth made contact with his arm, which caused Mary to panic.

"It's my fault if your Pa dies!", she shouted.

Adam touched the bridge of his nose. "Nobody's dying. He'll be alright in a few days." He tried to keep his voice down, so he wouldn't wake Little Joe. "And nothing is your fault. One of the men pulled the trigger."

"Oh, shut up! None o' that would've happened without me and you know it!"

Adam bit the inside of his cheeks and took a deep breath, before he grabbed Mary's shoulder. "Now, first of all, you don't use that tone of voice with me… and secondly: life doesn't work that way. Sometimes bad things happen, whether you want it or not. And you're not going to change that by blaming yourself. Now go back to bed." Adam released her and suppressed the urge to add an incentive to her behind. Mary glared at him and stomped off, and nothing he had said could change the fact that she felt responsible for Ben's injury. She crawled under the covers and her tiredness overcame her guilty conscience in a matter of minutes.

"It should take effect rather quickly.", said the doctor after he had given Ben two spoons of pain medicine.

"That tasted so bad… I almost forgot about my arm.", moaned Ben.

"See… it's working already. Now you help your body fight that infection by giving it plenty of rest and you call me if it gets worse." Paul Martin yawned and took his bag. "Good night, Ben… boys. I'll find my way out."

"I'll be alright now, you boys go get some sleep.", sighed Ben and closed his eyes.

"Night, Pa." Hoss wiped his eyes and headed to the door.

"Let us know when you need something.", whispered Adam as he followed his brother. It only took a few minutes until everybody was sound asleep.

oooOOOooo

Still feeling shaky from the lack of sleep, Adam noiselessly opened the door to his father's room to ask him if he wanted some breakfast. When he saw his Pa lying in his bed, he decided to let him sleep and left.

"Where's Mary?", asked Adam after Joe and Hoss had sat down at the table.

"I thought she'd be down here. She wasn't in her room.", said Hoss and started eating.

Adam growled and wiped his eye-brows. "Alright… I'll look around the house, you two go outside… and look for tracks.", he said through clenched teeth and stood up. Hoss shoved a few more spoons of food in his mouth before following his little brother through the door.

To check if she was hiding somewhere in her room or if she had paid his Pa a visit, Adam went upstairs. Ben was awake and yawning, when he entered.

"Morning. Are you feeling better?"

"Still feeling a bit low, but yes."

"Good. Then I'll bring you some food."

"Thanks." Ben looked up as he heard Hoss repeatedly calling Mary's name through the window. "Don't tell me that she's missing."

"No… she's probably just outside somewhere."

Ben sat up and rubbed his temples. "Did anything happen that could've made her run away."

"No…" Adam did not want to upset Ben, but he was too bad a liar. "Well… she blames herself for your wound. She thought you were dying yesterday."

Ben rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "Send her up to me when you find her, will you?"

"Alright."

In the meantime, Hoss climbed up the ladder to the hayloft and saw Mary sitting in the hay. "Deadgummed, gal… why didn't you answer me? We were worried about you!"

Mary looked at him with an empty expression on her face. "Why would you be worried?"

"Now what kind of question is that?"

"You wouldn't worry if'n your Pa was dead now 'cause of me."

Hoss pulled a wry face. "What are you talking about? Now come down here… Adam is fuming enough already."

Little Joe had searched behind the house and was glad to see Hoss and Mary walking over the yard. The three of them stepped inside, just when Adam was coming down the staircase.

"Where have you been?", he said sternly.

"I's just in the barn.", she hissed and Hoss decided not to tell his brother that she didn't answer when he called. Adam calmed down a bit and was relieved that she hadn't wandered off.

"Pa wants to see you upstairs… and while you're at it, you can bring him some food." Adam filled a plate with pancakes and scrambled eggs and handed it to Mary. She frowned and walked upstairs while Joe and Hoss went back to the table, anxious to finish their meals.

Ben was reading when Mary entered his room. "Thank you.", he said, put his book down and took the rich plate from her hands. "Please sit down." Ben pointed at an armchair opposite of his bed, sat up and ate a few bites. "I've heard you feel guilty for what happened."

Mary sat down. "Those men were only here 'cause of me."

He swallowed his bite. "It's noble that you want to take up the responsibility… but that doesn't change the fact that you're all wrong." Mary looked on the floor and Ben put the cutlery down. "Let me tell you a story… once I had a ranch hand, who I thought was a thief because I found stolen money under his bunk. I got really mad and fired him in front of all the other men. Later I found out that he wasn't guilty and someone else had put the money there. I apologized and told him to come back but he didn't. Afterwards he had trouble finding other work because the rumor of him stealing had already spread. I still feel bad because of it. Do you think it's my fault that it was hard for him to find a job?"

Mary's eyes moved rapidly. "Well… no… it was just a mistake."

"Yes, I made an honest mistake which I tried to reverse but couldn't. Was there anything else I could have done?"

"Don't know… I reckon not… if he didn't wanna come back it was his fault, kinda."

"You know what else I did because I felt responsible?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"I took care of his daughter after he was sent to prison."

Mary raised her head and looked at Ben with widened eyes. "We can only do our best to make things right again… then our duty is done. And all you can do, is learn from your experience and not let something like that happen again. After that you mustn't feel guilty anymore."

"You blamed my Pa for something he hadn't done and that's why he didn't get another job?" Her voice was somewhere between anger and sadness.

"Mary… I'm also human and I make mistakes."

She stood up. "I wanna go now."

He understood that she needed time to digest that new information. Without looking at Ben, she left and lied down on her bed.

Mary stared at the ceiling and felt empty. A part of her wanted to be mad at Ben but deep down she knew that the events that took place in her Pa's life were not Ben's fault. Just like it wasn't her fault that those men took a shot at him. She understood that now and it felt like a stream of clear water rushing through her head. For a few more minutes she laid on her bed with closed eyes and listened to her own breathing. Then she felt her stomach growling and decided to go downstairs.

"Is there any breakfast left?", she asked meekly as she approached the boys, who were about to finish their last bites.

"Sure." Adam shoved a small pile of scrambled eggs on her plate, whereupon she sat down and started eating.

"Sorry for hiding out in the barn this morning.", she said with her mouth full and glanced at Adam who swallowed his coffee.

"Apology accepted."

"Joe, Hoss… you wanna go for a ride after we get the chores done?"

"Of course.", cheered Joe and Hoss nodded.

Contentedly, Adam looked at Mary's smiling face and wondered what his Pa had said to her.

To be continued... Thank you very much for your comments.