8: Our Children
Alison had remarried now, and had another baby on the way. She'd recently found out it was going to be a girl, and much to her relief, only the one this time. She and Eddie got on well now, but it was with me that she formed a close friendship. She wasn't the type of person I would normally be drawn to, but initially forced to get on, I found genuinely liked her. She'd found her pregnancy quite an emotional time, the excitement of a new baby tainted by the loss of Stephen. Suddenly she asked, "do you think you and Eddie will have children together?"
"Oh goodness," I laughed, "I think we've already got quite enough children between us!"
The conversation stuck with me though. Eddie and I had come so far without ever actually talking about children. Well obviously we'd talked about the ones we already had, but not the prospect of more of them. When I was younger I just kind of assumed that I would have children of my own, but it just hadn't ever quite worked out for me. I was in my early 40s now, and really this might be my last chance, and therefore Eddie's too. I'd heard about other women who reach this point in their lives and feel a really strong urge to have children while they still can, but I just . . . didn't. But, what if Eddie did want more? What if I was denying him this opportunity?
Like all serious conversations, this one turned awkward. But we got through it in the end. Luckily no, Eddie hadn't really thought much about it. I should have realised this, that's just how he is, take life one day at a time and see what happens. But no, he really was content with our family as it was. Much as he'd loved watching both Michael and Charlie develop and grow, he wasn't keen on dealing with all the dirty nappies again. So I was off the hook there!
I realised what I'd missed out on with Charlie's first year of life. By the time I became part of his life, he was already walking, communicating, had a fully formed personality. I hadn't had to deal with that complete dependency of a new baby, and to be honest, I'm not sure I could have coped with it. Eddie also let on how much support Philip had needed throughout his time at university. I should have been there for him, but I'm glad that at least, someone was. To me it looked like a smooth transition, but I realised I'd failed to notice Philip's struggles, as he learned to cope with adult life just as I was absorbed in my grief for Adam.