There they were. Addison, Mark, Carolyn and Meredith running up the stairs to Derek. They burst in the door to see him gasping for air and Dr Swender and Owen trying to calm him down.

"Derek." Meredith breathed coming over to him.

She quickly climbed onto the bed beside him and pulled his head into her chest. She placed an oxygen mask over his face and held his hand.

"Your okay, I'm here, just breathe."

His breathing slowly calmed down until he fell asleep again. The rest stood and watched in shock,

"What happened?" Meredith asked softly.

"He was asleep for the entire scan, they're clear as well." Dr Swender started.

"Good." Meredith said sighing a sigh of relief.

"We got him back to the room and he just started having a panic attack so we paged you."

"Okay."

Derek stirred again and woke up looking tired, his eyes glazed over and breathing heavily.

"You go back to sleep Derek."

"Meredith?" He whispered.

Before Meredith could say anything, everyone left the room knowing they needed some space. She slightly smiled to herself before turning back to Derek.

"Derek?"

"I...I'm scared."

"I know you are, do you remember anything?"

"I remember...not...feeling well then...everything went...black."

"Oh, that's-"

"I'm going to...throw up." He interrupted.

He placed his fanned out hand and placed it over his mouth. Meredith swiftly grabbed the basin from the chair next to the bed and held it directly parallel to his sternum. He started to cough and then threw up in the basin.

"Your okay, don't worry, your okay Derek."

He continued to throw up, the cough rattled his chest. When he finished he wiped his hand with the back of his hand. Meredith went and emptied the bucket and went a fresh one before she climbed back in bed.

"I'm going to get you something to eat."

"No." He said shortly still panting.

"You need to eat, you've barely eaten anything in 5 days because once you have I need to talk to you."

"Fine."

He didn't have the will power to argue, all he wanted to do was sleep. Meredith slipped out of the bed, put her shoes on and disappeared for a minute. Derek retreated back into the covers and tried to fall asleep but it was very hard. She reappeared a few minutes later carrying a tray.

"I got you a bit of pasta." She smiled.

He smiled weakly, with only the corners of his lips as his eyes had fallen to look at his shaky hands situated on his lap. Meredith helps him sit up and make him comfortable before pulling the table where his tray was.

"I'm just going to go get your mom for a bit, I have to go do something."

"Okay." He sighed.

The day before the funeral. Hell. The previous 5 days were spent by Derek sleeping, throwing up or staring at the wall. He didn't say one word, not one. A psychiatrist went around to check on him but Derek didn't say anything whatsoever. She believed that he was suffering for major depressive disorder but didn't want to start him on any meds yet. Meredith and Addison mainly sat with him as Mark and Carolyn planned her service. He had been eating small amounts everyday but with the amount he was throwing up it wasn't really the best. The day before the funeral was hell, Derek looked like he was about to fall apart any time but he wouldn't let himself which wouldn't go well.

"Hey Derek, why don't we get you showered and shaved ready for tomorrow?"

Derek looked up and nodded, bringing his hands up to his head and brushing his hair. A clump of black curls. He looked at the large ball of hair in his hand and then looked up at Meredith. She knew this was it. This would send him over the edge.

"Oh Derek,"

"It's just hair, it'll grow back."

He sat there just looking at it trying not to cry, he managed surprisingly. Meredith took the hair from his hand and threw it into the bin. He looked even more defeated than before, if that was even possible.

"Let's get you showered."

Meredith unhooked his IV as it wasn't doing anything as he had a 3 day break from chemo and removed his oxygen cannula. She helped him sit up and he stood up shakingly. Derek took a few steps towards the bathroom before Meredith intervened and grabbed hold of him. Meredith helped Derek into the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet seat. A wave of nausea went over him and he leaned over and took a few deep breaths.

"I'm going to go lock the door."

Meredith disappeared but he couldn't take the nausea anymore. He slid down to the floor to his knees, lifted up the toilet lid but before he could do anything Meredith walked back in.

"Derek, come here."

Meredith walked over, sat down on the floor and rubbed his back. He leant back into her chest while she stroked his hair. A few bits came off his hair but no big clumps.

"Your okay, I've got you."

He leant forward, head slumped over the toilet, one arm on the lid holding up his head and one rubbing his stomach. He swallowed hard trying to stop the rising bike releasing itself, Meredith rubbed the small of his back,

"It's okay, it's okay."

Derek threw up whilst rubbing his stomach, Meredith realised how much pain his stomach was causing him so she shuffled around him and started rubbing him. He sat there for a few minutes, his head practically in the toilet bowl as he was adamant he was going to throw up again. Out of nowhere he suddenly collapsed back into Meredith's arms, he was on the thin line of consciousness.

"Derek! Wake up!"

Meredith placed his head gently down on the floor and splashed cold water in his face. He suddenly woke up again and tried to sit up. She pushed him back against the wall and bit her lip.

"Do you need me to get a doctor?"

He shook his head, trying to get rid of the black fuzz in the corners of his eyes.

"It's okay," She said.

Fat, hot tears rolled down his face,

"She's gone." He said as the first thing in almost 5 days.

She rubbed his back with long, soothing strokes,

"I know."

"Why her?" He sobbed.

"I don't know Derek."

"It just hurts."

He rolled his face into her shoulder, and a deep choking sob racked his body. And then another and another. He clutched her shirt, and he cried, stirring up agony in his stomach, but he couldn't stop. He cried until exhaustion pulled him into a sniffling, throbbing silence. His stomach ached, his throat felt raw, and muzzy cotton clogged his brain. He felt sick.

She sat with him. Until his eyes drifted shut. Sleep plowed into him like a muscle car in a drag race, but she shook him gently, enough to jolt him back into half awake.

"You need to get showered Derek."

He just stared aimlessly at the wall. Meredith helped him stand up and she undressed him after turning the warm shower tap on. She then undressed, a scene that would once make him happy but then he couldn't even think of anything like that. She helped him onto the chair underneath the shower and sponged down his achy body and lathered the shampoo on his dark curls. She did the same for her and then showered them both down. Meredith got out first letting Derek's muscles relax under the water. She changed again and tied her hair up in just under 10 minutes before she turned back around to help Derek. He looked almost asleep he was that lost in his thoughts.

"Derek can you turn the water off?"

He did so, wincing when he reached forward. Meredith grabbed his towel and wrapped it around him, she guided him to the toilet and sat him down on the lid.

"I'm going to get your shaving stuff." She said leaving the room momentarily.

She reappeared with a bag and some fresh pyjamas too. She placed the razor on the sink and lathered some shaving cream onto her hand. Meredith wiped it across Derek's face, it was very cold so he flinched when it touched his skin. She cleaned her hands and picked up the razor. She began shaving the thick stubble off his face, he was barely conscious. Meredith washed the rest of the shaving foam off his face and then there was a knock at the door. Meredith ignored it until it happened again.

"Okay Derek, I'm going to see who's at the door."

Meredith left the door and started talking to the person at the door, after a few minutes she reappeared in the bathroom.

"Derek, Sam and Naomi are her do you want to say hello today or tomorrow at the funeral?"

He shook his head,

"Okay."

Meredith walked back out of the bathroom.Derek just wanted to sleep, sleep all day. He was determined to get changed and just walk to be bed himself. He stood up and started to dry himself off. He got into his pyjamas with struggle and dried his hair with the soft towel. Clumps after clumps came out but he just ignored it. He could still hear her talking to Addison, Sam and Naomi, he could recognise their voices anywhere. He began to walk out of the room to just get into bed. The dizziness made the room spin at 100mph.

"Mer..." He said his voice shaking.

As soon as she turned around she almost gasped. Addison, Sam and Naomi peered into the room. Then he fainted to the floor.

"Derek!" Meredith screamed.

"Get Dr Swender!" Addison shouted to a nurse.

All four of them being doctors ran up to him. They placed him into the rescue position and watched his chest rise and fall extremely fast as if he was hyperventilating. Dr Swender ran into his room and immediately got an ambu bag from the cupboard.

"Roll him onto his back." She instructed.

Meredith and Sam did so and moved back so she could work. She placed the purple mask over his face a slowly pressed on the balloon part. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes wearily.

"Good." Rebecca sighed.

Rebecca and Meredith helped him sit up then stand up, the bed was only a few steps away but he was practically dragged there. Rebecca connected an oxygen cannula to him and hung a bag of saline to his line.

"You need to rest for the rest day, you have a huge day tomorrow."

He nodded as his eyes closed tightly shut. He fell straight back asleep, he looked so peaceful!

"So it's that bad." Sam sighed.

"Yep."

"Meredith, Addison I'm going to check on him tomorrow morning before you leave, what time are you going?"

"10."

"Okay, I'll come up at 9, dinner is coming around now, it's 6:30, do you want me to get something for him?"

"Yes please." Meredith smiled.

She left the room and Meredith turned back to Addison.

"How's Mom?"

"She's stressed but Mark is with her at the moment to try calm her down a bit."

"Okay good."

"Sorry, Naomi, Sam this is Meredith."

"Hi." Naomi smiled shaking her hand,

"We all went to Colombia together." Sam said.

"I've heard lots about it." She laughed.

"This isn't Derek, he's sad and quiet."

"I know, he was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder the other day but they're not putting him on anything yet,"

"Really? He had a bad few months in college, but he never talked about it, he tried to hide it from us until it was too late." Sam said.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you not know?" Naomi said shocked.

"No."

"He tried to kill himself, it was 3rd year and Addison found him." Sam said.

"You never told me that Addie."

"I presumed you already knew, he tried again after me and Mark, it was Amelia that helped him through it. That's why it's been even tougher on him."

"Oh my god." Meredith said.

"I'm sorry Meredith I thought you knew." Addison said hugging the younger girl.

"No he never told me."

"He's like that Mer."

He started to wake up again, he had always been a light sleeper. Meredith walked over to him and stroked his shoulder.

"Derek, are you going back to sleep or staying awake?"

"Awake." He sighed.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want but did you try to commit suicide twice?"

Derek looked away at the wall and took a deep breath.

"Yes." He said looking down at his lap.

"It's okay, this is going to help you and you are a fighter! You can beat this, you have never given up, EVER!" Meredith said putting her arms around hisshoulder.

"But...I did...in...New York.' He stuttered quietly

Carolyn and Mark must've been stood outside when he said that and they walked into the room straight to Derek.

"Derek, what do you mean?" His mom asked holding back her tears so she would stay strong for him.

"I just...wanted...it to...end." He said trying to hold back his tears.

"Derek, what do you mean?" Meredith said, you could hear the shakiness in her voice.

"After Addie...and Mark, it was...the same weekend...as dad's death anniversary...I had had enough...I hated my life and...went to the...Brooklyn Bridge. I had shut myself...off from everyone already...I didn't eat, I just drank and slept...which was pathetic. I stood...on the edge. Then...Amelia saw me... she was walking home and she came...over to me. I tried...to jump but...she grabbed me... and pulled me down. I was...sobbing and she just hugged...me. She took me back to my...house and found the note. Then...she found out...it wasn't the first time." He said still trying not to cry.

"She stayed with me and Ma did...and that's why I...moved here...I promised them...to not to tell anyone. I moved here...but still felt...numb. Then Addison...turned up and...we officially divorced...I tried again but couldn't...leave Meredith. This was...5 years ago alone and do you still know...how many times I have thought about doing...it again? I have...felt numb for 4 years now...I do give up. I am not a fighter." He said, he still managed to not cry somehow

His mother had tears rolling down her face and Mark ran out of the room crying , Addison followed him out, she was crying too.

"Oh Derek, I'm so sorry, why did you never tell me I am your wife I could've helped you." Meredith said sitting next to him on his bed.

She leant forward and hugged him. He melted into her arms but still didn't cry. Naomi and Sam stood by the door watching in shock. He just fell asleep. Fast asleep in Meredith's arms. She laid him down on the bed and stood up straight, wiping away her tears.