...
"I am sorry." The woman currently way too close for personal comfort stated sheepishly as she promptly finished putting her clothes back on.
"No, you're not." I deadpanned in response, my twitching expression somewhat hard to prevent as I fixed my shirt.
"You're right. That was awesome."
"Flattery won't help you." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose.
Well, needless to say, Thor's timeline has quite literally been fucked over.
I wasn't exactly against it- it was rather fun. Though I would've preferred...
Well.
Any other scenario.
"Oh come on, I know I am rusty but it can't have been that bad!"
"What's my name?" I deadpanned in response, turning my gaze to stare at her.
She blinked once, twice, before sheepishly asking me the same question.
"Jane Foster," I answered.
"...How do you know that-"
"That's what you said out loud." The sad part was I wasn't even lying.
"Oh. Well, maybe next time I might say yours if you actually tell me it."
I blinked in response, and promptly stood up off the sofa, backing away the slightest at the manic glint that filtered through her eyes.
"Next time? You're planning to do that again?" I questioned, incredulously.
The girl had the nerve to pout in response.
By that, I mean, quite literally jumping me half-way through explaining the fifth? Sixth? Physics fix up I'd made.
"...In my defense, you should've let me take a shower when I asked."
"You never asked!"
"Ah. Right, must've skipped that part," She stated nonchalantly. "But if you want to go about it differently-"
"You've officially ruined this friendship."
"You did that when you broke into my apartment."
I twitched again.
At least she had the shame to turn her gaze the slightest.
"I meant to say that, it takes two to do what we did."
Which, was admittedly a fair point.
I don't think Stan Lee would approve regardless.
Or maybe the fucker's responsible for this.
"So... I'll take the silence as approval?"
"You're so weird." I deadpanned in response.
"So are you."
Sighing once, I eyed the sofa spot she was patting beside her, a coyish grin on her face. After waiting a further moment, I promptly took the seat.
"So... Round two?"
"Depends," I responded immediately, the beginnings of a plan forming into my head.
"On?"
"I am not teaching you any more physics unless you either agree to keep your hands to yourself, or you agree with..." I can't believe I was even trying another Batman Gambit. "Dating."
Ugh. I could practically feel Koharu's disapproval.
Surprisingly enough, the woman's expression glinted at the opportunity for some reason.
"Oh my god, you have a code! That's adorable!"
Hol' up.
"But... Honestly... Really? You mean it?" She added on moving her head closer, somewhat more serious, as her eyebrows furrowed as she locked gazes with me.
She wants that!? What possible sign have I given her that it'd be a good idea!?
I am a complete stranger for crying out loud!
"...You understand it's a commitment-"
"Really?" She questioned, more seriously than before. Her expression, for a moment causing me to waver.
"Um. Yes? To a complete stranger." I felt the need to add.
When the woman made to throw her hands around me, I promptly jumped over the sofa out of reach.
She blinked in bemusement, before turning to face behind the sofa. "Most relationships start off that way, you know?"
Fuck.
That wasn't supposed to go that way.
"Just so we're clear," I remarked backpedaling away. "This means you'll be dating someone over five hundred years old!"
"Ooh, so you know a lot of things then! Wise beyond your years." She grinned, walking over towards me around the sofa.
In hindsight, she dated Thor.
Plan B it was.
"I've killed thousands of people!"
I let out the breath held in at the sudden pause in her steps, her widened eyes almost a relief-
"Why?"
I blinked.
What?
That's not how normal people are supposed to respond!
"...For shits and giggles?" Not entirely untrue. I was nicknamed the Laughing Tree for a reason.
Her eyes narrowed at my response.
"Hell, some of them might as well be considered Human Experimentation!" By that, I of course meant making people live longer and then them dying because of a condition caused by said cure. The fact they lived longer than their expected life-spans didn't need to be said.
"Why?" She repeated the question, taking a bolder step forward, forcing my back on the counter.
"I just told-"
"Seriously." She narrowed her eyes again, crossing her arms. "The truth... please."
I was so not prepared for this.
I started off today trying to get Tony Stark a girlfriend.
How did this wind up happening!?
"...War..." I sighed.
Relief, and something else filtered through her eyes for a moment before resolution took over.
"The Human Experiments?"
"...Cures... Gave them more time but at an expense."
The woman released another sigh of relief, a smile taking over even. "Which war did you fight?"
"...I'll tell you some other time-" My gaze turned downwards at the hands that suddenly clasped my own.
Oh my god, I've done it again!
"Just so we're clear... If Koharu smites you from the after-life, that's on you." I stated, absolutely serious.
It was a genuine concern.
"Who?" Jane questioned, bemused, her head briefly tilted to the side.
"Uh... Let's just call her an ex and leave it at that?"
A brief somber expression filtered over the woman's face before turning more cheerful.
"I am sure she'd approve. She wouldn't want you to be alone."
I seriously doubted that.
I am pretty sure she's responsible for the lightning strike that knocked out my date to James's wedding.
"...So, does this mean we can go again-"
I dropped her hands. "Go take your shower. I am way too old for this shit."
With a disbelieving pout on her face, the woman rolled her eyes and promptly went back to the sofa.
"Spoilsport."
"You have issues!" I remarked, somewhat defeated.
"Mhm. Your fault for breaking Physics. Now come on! You haven't explained this to me yet." She remarked pulling up the first page of the magazine, her free hand patting the seat beside her.
Woman, I haven't even told you my name! Or names? New name?
I held in the urge to say that out loud, mostly because I'd need to come up with one if she asked.
Still... I should probably figure out a new name.
What did comic Thor use as his human name again?
Maybe I should go with that?
Regardless I cursed every diety that had a hand in this entire situation and promptly took a seat.
Tony Stark, of course, chose that moment to call me.
I ignored the surprise that filtered across Jane's face when I answered.
"What do you want Stark? Vanko kill you yet?"
"Oof, that any way to talk to your employer? And no, by the way, his dad was kicking and screaming when I arrived. You deal with the situation yet?"
Well
, that didn't sound too bad...
"...You're not gonna believe this," I remarked.
When I explained the situation, Jane's progressively growing embarrassment and amusement ignored. I held in the urge to sigh when Tony Stark started laughing at my expense.
I am just going to assume things didn't go terribly with Vanko.
...
"What are you working on?" Jane questioned over my shoulder, her left-hand ontop of it, while her right sipped the cup of coffee. She was currently wrapped in what she called a onesie, of a star constellation, though as far as I could tell it was just the lazy-man's pyjama.
I on other hand hadn't elected to change, to her chagrin.
Evidently, the reasoning that I wouldn't be caught dead wearing such a thing, given she had several, was childish.
The fact that they all fit me was another reason.
I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that one.
I could bench-press a helicopter, but my body certainly didn't show it.
Though I figured a small part of her was worried I'd just disappear off into the night, which was why she'd insisted on staying up past midnight.
The fact I'd considered doing so a few times was irrelevant- I intended to come back!
The science movie she'd put on earlier went ignored by the two of us, mostly because I kept on calling it out for being wrong and stupid; something she hadn't found endearing for some reason. Regardless, I'd started and was currently continuing etching seals onto the wristband I'd brought earlier on in the day when I'd planned to go meet the Unjolly Green Giant.
Tony Stark had, to my surprise, elected to wait a few days before finding out about his parents. Which thankfully gave me enough time to deal with Banner.
"Ever heard of anger management?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow at her.
She nodded once.
I idly wondered if she'd had to go in herse-
"The movie? Tv-series, or cartoon?"
I blinked in response and promptly went back to work.
Goddamit Stan, leave your problems at home, there's no need to bring them into your universe.
"Yes." I answered eloquently. "I am making a wristband version of them."
Jane tilted her head, taking another sip of the coffee before the woman brought said cup over towards me, earning another blink from me.
"That's unsanitary." I deadpanned, earning a pair of raised eyebrows.
"You're kidding right?"
I was starting to think that was her catch-phrase.
Rolling my eyes, I took a sip of the aforementioned drink and held in the urge to gag, though at the very least showing off an appreciative express-
"What the hell is in this? Coffee, or cyanide?"
The woman twitched in response and promptly let go off my shoulder, snuggling into the corner of the sofa with a derisive expression on her face.
"You're sleeping on the sofa tonight." She deadpanned.
"...Considering you don't have a bed-"
"Shush!"
"Besides, I can get my own apartment, you know?"
The girl's expression was replaced by an undecipherable one as she turned to stare at me.
"You don't have one already?"
"Nope."
"Oh my god, I am dating a tramp."
I rolled my eyes at her, though I'd let off a cheeky grin in the process.
"That doesn't sound like my problem, you knew what you were signing up for."
"...It really should be. Why exactly don't you have a home?"
Other than the fact my last one was a universe away?
"I don't need to sleep, per se-"
"Get an apart-" I could practically see the glint that filtered through her eyes as the woman suddenly decided to go for a knowing smirk instead. "Nevermind. You're welcome to stay here."
I idly made a note to at the very least rent a place, even if I was never going to really use it.
Might just make it into a secret lair or something? Or was that a direct route to villainy?
"Well, not like I can't afford it," I snorted. "Stark pays well."
"Really?" Jane questioned, interest peaking in her eyes. "Think I could get a job there?"
"Probably. Doubt it'll be for the same wage though- Hell, I am pretty sure he doesn't even pay his building managers this much."
All-access Stark credit-card definitely felt like it paid more than what he gave those poor sods.
The woman blinked at the words.
"What do you do for him exactly?"
"Honestly? I am pretty sure I am his therapist at this point."
"...What?"
"I know right?"
"Jesus, what can't you do?"
"Evidently, drink your coffee."
She threw a cushion at me for that one.
...
Magic, or rather seals, didn't inspire as much interest from Foster as Physics might have, though the woman was certainly a quick study, in that she seemed to at least connect certain dots after an explanation of them. Which was more than I could say for most of the people I'd ever tried teaching the art to.
"I still can't believe it's real, a small part of me wondered but- Though I guess that portal ring of yours couldn't possibly be anything but it..."
I shrugged at the words, admittedly not entirely bothered.
"Well, in a way, magic is just science that skips the cause and goes straight to the effect."
"That's not how it works..."
"Really? I'd beg to differ, and considering I know more about both, I am afraid I am going to have to stick to my opinion on the matter."
"Ass."
"And I thought we were getting along so well." I grinned at her, earning a chuckle out of the woman.
"You're an idiot."
"You agreed to date an idiot."
"A homeless idiot."
"That makes more money than you."
"I don't have a job, I am still trying to get my Ph.D., which thanks to you, is apparently pointless considering a third of the curriculum's wrong."
"A third? That's generous." I snorted and caught the cushion she threw at me. "As for the Sling-Ring... As far as I am concerned, it is kind of scientific. It uses the neurotransmitters in your brain as a power source, takes the waves they cause and create, and converts them into a wormhole to the intended location with an unknown equation."
"...Okay, you either made that up, or I might have to consider making my Ph.D. about magical physics."
"I did make that up, but it's probably not wrong."
"Oh goodie, a Ph.D. in bullshit. My career prospects just keep rising!"
"I thought you were going to change your-" I ducked the third cushion, chuckling all the while. Jane Foster, after a moment of mock-anger, rolled her eyes and joined me.
"So, what do you need the anger-management wristband for anyway?"
"I am going to offer Bruce Banner a deal."
Wariness and a hint of worry pierced through her expression at the words as she straightened up her posture.
"A deal?" She questioned.
I nodded.
"I am not entirely sure what's happening with him right now, but I have a feeling it involves a lot of safehouses and running from the military, and you know, the complete lack of control over his radiation problem." I raised the wristband, "This should help him. And if I can convince him to trust me, I am going to offer to take him-"
And his girlfriend, if Beccy or whatever, hadn't dumped him yet; or whatever happened. Never really paid attention to the movie.
"-to a place where no one will care about his ailment and treat him like an actual human being."
"...Narnia?"
I snorted.
That was admittedly, a good one.
"No, but close. I was thinking Asgard."
"...Okay, I am going to put a pin on that mythology for a second, which we will be going back to- How exactly do you plan on doing all of this? You do know he's classified as highly dangerous?"
"So far, I've got: convince him to throw his biggest, hardest punch at me-" Jane's eyes widened. "-and promptly open up a portal behind his head and let him knock himself out, throw the wristband on him and then have a chat with the real Bruce Banner."
"...What?"
"Don't worry, I've got the perfect speech planned."
"What?"
"Pretty good one actually, stealing it off youtube," Or, well, my youtube at any rate. I wasn't entirely sure if Team Four Star was a thing in this universe.
"What's the matter with you?" Jane's question brought me out of my musings.
I raised an eyebrow at her, my mind promptly taking in the clear worry filtering through her eyes-
"Don't worry, I can take him."
"I seriously doubt that, and that's not what I meant."
"Oh?"
"...Why don't you just treat him like a human being and talk to him?"
I blinked in response.
"Have you met the Hulk?"
"Have you?"
"I..."
Wow.
I actually didn't have a response for that.
"Okay. That's it, I am coming with you."
"You don't-"
"If that's the best plan you've got, there's no way in hell I am letting you go alone."
"...But I really-"
"No."
"Speech!"
"No!"
"Goddammit woman let me be me!"
She threw the last cushion at me for that one.
"So." The woman changed the subject, taking another sip of her poison. "Back to the mythology-"
I rolled my eyes and threw the cushion back, amusement filling me as the woman barely ducked and kept her coffee steady before she leveled a glare at me.
"Save the questions for when we get there."
Her eyes, unsurprisingly widened as a grin threatened to cut her face.
"We're going to Asgard?"
"Mhm. Not first-class though, gonna have to bring our own flight-snacks. The Sling-Ring package can only do so much."
She clicked her fingers good-naturedly, though the visible excitement could barely be held back.
"Damn, and I thought Stark paid you enough to afford it."
"Alas, Spirit Airlines doesn't believe in customer satisfaction."
Her expression twitched.
"That has to be one of the worst puns I've ever heard. Like, I am not sure if I should be mad, or impressed."
"Then you definitely need to get out more."
Though I was mildly amused that she got it in the first place.
Evidently, even the MCU couldn't avoid the bullshit that was that airline.
...
"How long are you planning to take?" I questioned, idly leaning against the wall as my back irritated me from having slept on the floor for most of the night.
This is generally why I settled for staying up most of the time.
Though the lack of sleep-deprivation filling me was a welcome feeling.
I may or may not have gotten used to the wrong lifestyle.
The fact was, I hadn't even noticed it.
Either way, last night taught me a lesson- well, two, including the above, for that matter- on second thought, make that three.
Sofas aren't built for two people to sleep on, and Jane Foster was a kicker.
Said woman idly scampered around her apartment, picking up and promptly discarding clothing as she struggled to make a choice.
"Uh- give me a moment, jeez!" She answered as she stared at a pink sweater. "You haven't even told me where we're going, or what climate to prepare for.
I rolled my eyes.
"Feel free to stay. I am sure you have actual work to do."
Jane scoffed at the notion. "And let you do something stupid? I'll pass." Peering around the room for a moment, I watched as she perked up when her eyes landed on a blue jacket in the corner. "Aha!"
I idly picked up the cup of coffee and winced at the taste, though I drank it down all the same.
"By the way," My attention drifted back towards her. "Didn't you say that ring of yours works by location?"
I shrugged.
"That's how it's supposed to work, but it seems to function differently with me." In that, it seemed to work based on who I wanted to, or should? meet.
In all fairness, even the Ancient One had been bemused the first time I'd gotten a portal out of it, though she'd elected to keep quiet on the matter.
"That's not worrying at all." Jane deadpanned, promptly putting on said jacket before she turned towards me with a smile. "Okay! I am ready to go!" Her bag thrown over as a last-minute thought.
I rolled my eyes and promptly opened a portal, this time making sure to focus on Bruce Banner and him alone.
When it glimmered into existence, I made to take a step through it before I felt the other promptly grab my hand with a look of worry on her face.
"Just making sure we don't end up in separate places!"
That.. was actually a fair point.
Would've been awkward if she somehow wound up in space.
And deadly. Can't forget deadly.
With a deep breath, I promptly stepped through, clutching her hand somewhat too tightly judging by the regret that quickly filled her expression.
...
"AAH!" I winced at the sudden sound that echoed out of the woman I probably should've left behind in her apartment.
Idly looking downwards, I found myself standing on top of a tree branch, very high into the air, a dangling Jane Foster clutching my hand with more force than feasibly possible.
"Don't you dare drop me!" She screeched as I rolled my eyes and promptly lifted my hand all the way to the sky, putting her at eye-level with me.
"Will you relax? I got you, okay?" I deadpanned.
She stared at me for a moment, turned to look down, and promptly looked back up at my hand.
"...You're stronger than you look."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I questioned immediately in response, my expression twitching.
With another sigh, I promptly dragged her over towards the branch, her dangling feet barely managing to find any balance.
Idly considering she had herself under control, I made to let go-
"Don't even think about letting go!" she screeched again, causing me to close my eyes for a brief moment. "God's I don't even know how you're so calm right now! We're almost a hundred feet in the air!"
Rolling my eyes, I answered the question by picking her up bridal style and promptly jumping down.
She, naturally, screamed all the way, clutching me like a lifeline.
The landing, admittedly enough, was a little rough on the feet though, after a brief moment of ignoring the pain that surged upwards, I promptly shook it off and placed the frozen girl on her own two feet.
Turning around on the spot, I eyed the location we'd been sent to.
It seemed to be a forest, in the middle of nowhere. Which brought the better-
My head thumped forwards as I felt Jane's open-hand bounce off of it.
"Don't ever do that again!" She screeched again, having finally found her balance. "You're actually crazy aren't you?"
I grinned in response.
"I explicitly told you as much. Not my fault you refused to believe me."
"I- uh- dammit, just... Shut up."
"Good comeback."
Her twitching expression was admittedly soothing.
"I can't believe I agreed to go out with you."
"Me neither."
"..Stop rubbing it in."
"What can I say? Your frustration amuses me."
"Yeah, well you won't be too happy about that later on tonight..."
"What, are you actually going to keep your hands to yourself this time? Color me happy."
In response, she took a deep breath, looked around for a moment, and promptly realized that we were in fact in a forest.
When the woman started haphazardly talking about random gibberish involving forest safety- as well as actively trying to find a sort of weapon, I promptly facepalmed and made to walk away.
"Don't leave me alone!" Was her response as she, promptly picking up a large stick, ran up to follow me. "Sheesh, splitting up is how horror movies start!"
"Woman, the only monster in this forest is me."
She rolled her eyes at me.
I idly started humming the tune for Jaws and promptly freaked her out again.
"That's not funny!"
"Would you prefer the Jungle Book?"
"Don't-"
Too late, the tune was already stuck in my head.
To my surprise, she joined in the Simple Bare Necessities about half-way through after giving up trying to keep my mouth shut.
...
After walking around aimlessly for a good fifteen minutes, I'd finally had enough fun and promptly started opening up portal after portal in an attempt to hopefully finally wind up somewhere closer to Banner.
Said fun was watching Jane Foster freak out at every startled bush, every broken branch, and frankly every creature that aimlessly walked by us or watched us from far.
"Oh god, you have got to stop opening up portals!"
"No one said you had to go through them," I snorted as I took in the newer location.
Surprise, surprise, it was more trees in every direction.
"You keep pushing me through them! What if we end up on another branch!?"
I rolled my eyes.
"I am not pushing you through them, I am pulling you in with me. There's a difference."
"Words to put on my tombstone; There was a difference!" She grouched, idly peeking over my shoulder to take in the new loc-
I held in the urge to sigh as the woman promptly jumped up and latched onto my back, wrapping both arms and legs around me in a freakin' vice, screeching all the while as she pointed her stick just up ahead towards what looked like a giant panther.
"Portal, portal, portal, portal!"
I held in the urge to sigh, and promptly started walking up towards the tame creature appraising the two of us.
Needless to say when the woman started whacking me on the head with the stick, albeit mostly harmlessly, I promptly threatened to throw her towards it.
"...You wouldn't..." She deadpanned, her stick frozen in mid-air.
"Don't test me, Foster."
"...You're a terrible boyfriend."
"I specifically remember warning you about that too," I snorted.
When the panther stretched upwards from its position and started walking towards us, Jane's expression turned pale.
"Why are you standing still? It's coming towards us!"
"Only good boyfriends run."
"Oh, you can't be serious! Fine, I take back what I said just run!"
I hummed in response, raising a single finger to my chin.
"I don't believe you."
The panther started running towards us as Jane Foster started waving the stick haphazardly in front of her, screeching all the while.
When the beast was less than twenty feet away, I promptly got rid of the easy-going expression and glared at it, every ounce of malicious intent pouring out through my eyes.
I practically felt the way Jane's body froze up, her breath stolen.
The panther on the other hand promptly froze on its run, its ears twitched once, before it turned on the spot and ran in the other direction.
Letting a smile take over my face, I turned my head towards the woman still wrapped around me.
"Told ya, everything's fine."
That was the moment she suddenly found her breath and-
"You said no such thing!" Screeched into my ear again. "God's I thought it was going to eat us!"
"Drama-queen." I deadpanned in response and promptly opened up another portal. "Now are you going to get down-"
"Not on your life!"
"Yeah, sure, stick to the back of an adrenaline junkie, that's definitely the safest spot in the jungle." I rolled my eyes and went through the portal.
"You're a w-"
Her words, however, promptly disappeared, her breath hitching, as our target finally came into sight.
Just up ahead, his sleeping form set back against a mountain wall.
Judging by the stains covering him, and the clearly aged and worn clothing, I figured the man had been living here for quite some time.
The near-empty bag of resources beside him told the same story.
Turning a glance behind me, I realized as to why he'd figured it a good resting spot.
He'd taken up residence on a damn cliffs-edge.
I took a few steps forward, and let down the very wary woman. Jane immediately taking notice of the far-away forest, likely the same one we'd been in, behind her- which was at least two thousand feet below us.
She immediately took a few steps closer, wary of the height, though she still kept her place behind me.
Evidently, if all the stories she'd heard were true, she intended to use me as a human shield.
Still, what was most surprising was probably the number of birds chirping away and surrounding his form.
"Look at that." I deadpanned. "Bruce Banner's a Disney princess."
Jane Foster turned her attention away from the radiation beast and gave me the most 'are you serious right now?' look so far.
Thankfully, Bruce Banner's stirring form at my words took her attention away from me.
...
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