Hi, all. This fic was written in collaboration with TheZenParadox, and it takes place in 12x15
The End Is Where We Start
What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make and end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from. And every phrase
And sentence that is right (where every word is at home,
Taking its place to support the others,
The word neither diffident nor ostentatious,
An easy commerce of the old and the new,
The common word exact without vulgarity,
The formal word precise but not pedantic,
The complete consort dancing together)
Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning,
Every poem an epitaph. And any action
Is a step to the block, to the fire, down the sea's throat
Or to an illegible stone: and that is where we start.
-T.S. Elliot - Little Gidding
"Here you go, ladies," Callie greeted, walking towards her daughter and Penny with three small cups of ice cream in hand. She had offered to order the dessert to give her girlfriend a chance to bond with Sofia, and—from the looks of it—their time together had been well spent. Both ever-perky-Sofia and Penny wore bright smiles as they looked towards her.
"Chocolate for you," Callie cooed, handing Sofia a paper cup containing her favorite flavor of ice cream.
Sofia grinned appreciatively, gingerly taking the cup with both hands. "Thank you, Mommy."
"You are very welcome," Callie smiled. "And bubble gum for you." She handed Penny her cup, moving to sit beside her daughter at the four-person table. She had opted to order salted-caramel ice cream for herself, and she took a decadent bite. "So," she prompted, peeking at her girlfriend, "What'd I miss?"
Penny swallowed a bite of ice cream, turning to look at Sofia conspiratorily. The six-year-old had already gotten chocolate all over her cheeks, but she didn't seem to care. "Well," she began. "Sofia was just telling me about her class turtle."
"You told her about Nelson?" Callie asked, turning to face her daughter.
"Mm-hm!" Sofia exclaimed. "I got to feed him today."
"You did?"
Sofia nodded emphatically. "He likes lettuce a lot."
"More than you, I'm guessing?" Callie teased. To her dismay, her daughter hadn't yet acquired a taste for most vegetables; Sofia only liked carrots, cucumber, and broccoli, even despite her and Arizona's best efforts to convince her otherwise.
"You don't like lettuce?" Penny wondered. She hadn't liked vegetables much as a kid, either. More common ground.
Sofia made a face. "It's gross."
"What about in turkey sandwiches? That can be yummy," Penny suggested.
Sofia wrinkled her nose: disgust magnified. "I only like peanut-butter and jelly. And Mommy hates sandwiches," she added.
Penny cocked an eyebrow towards Callie. That was something she should have known, wasn't it? "Really? You hate sandwiches?" On more than one occasion, she had brought her girlfriend a sandwich during one of her busy days of surgeries. Callie hadn't ever said anything about not liking them...
Callie nodded. "I don't love them," she admitted. "I will eat lettuce, though. And ice cream." She shared a knowing grin with Sofia and handed her a much-needed a napkin.
Fiercely wiping her face, Sofia turned back to face her new friend. "Do you know my Mommy? She does surgery on kids and babies."
"I do! She's an amazing surgeon." In truth, she had tremendous respect for Arizona.
Sofia smiled proudly. "She saved me when I was a baby."
Penny turned and gave Callie a questioning look. "Really?" She had certainly known about the nearly fatal car accident, but Callie hadn't told much about Sofia's part in it, and she was curious to learn more. As it turned out, going out with Callie and her daughter had been a good idea, after all.
"I was 'one pound one ounce of strong,'" Sofia recited the oft told story of her birth. "But Momma had to start my heart 'cause it wasn't beating. She says my heart beats for her 'cause she loves me so much."
"That's right," Callie jumped in, wanting to stop Sofia from over-praising her other mother in front of the new girlfriend. Not that Sofia knew Penny was her girlfriend.
"Wow, I didn't know that." Penny looked at Callie, wondering why she hadn't delved into the details before.
Callie cleared her throat, wanting to shift away from the subject of Arizona. "Penny here is an amazing surgeon too, you know."
Penny gave Callie an appreciative smile, then turned to the younger Torres. "I'm still learning, Sofia, but I hope to be as good as your moms someday."
Sofia grinned at her newfound friend. "My friend Zola's mommy is a surgeon, too. So was her daddy, but he died."
Callie's eyes widened at Sofia's words, "Sof, sweetie, why don't we go see if they have some more napkins for your sticky fingers." She turned to Penny and mouthed "sorry."
Callie and Sofia walked toward the counter, giving Penny a much needed reprieve. Sofia hadn't intentionally mentioned Derek, but Penny knew he was bound to come up from time to time. Callie's family was intertwined with the late-surgeon's. Callie and Derek had been friends—good friends—and Penny had to deal with that if she wanted a relationship with her girlfriend.
When the mother and daughter returned to the table, the conversation turned to much lighter subjects. Callie was grateful to see how well her girlfriend and her daughter got along; Sofia obviously admired Penny, and Penny seemed to like Sofia, too.
And Callie knew she should have felt nothing but relief and elation at the outcome, but somehow, she didn't feel appropriately excited. Somehow, she felt like something was just...missing.
She just wished she knew what.
The following day, Penny greeted Callie with obvious elan. "Hey." She offered a shy smile. "How do you think last night went?" She'd really liked Sofia, and she hoped that she had made a good impression on her girlfriend's daughter, too.
"It went well!" Callie assured her. And, in truth, it had gone well. Her girlfriend was clearly good with kids, and before bed, Sofia had mentioned how much she had liked Penny.
Everything had worked out as it should have. Penny loved her, she loved Penny, and even Penny and Sofia had gotten along. So what was the problem? Why did she feel such an overwhelming sense of unease?
"So I was thinking…maybe we could all get together again?" Penny suggested. "I'd love to get to know her more."
"Oh, sure," Callie gave in, her voice raising in pitch. "That sounds…" She paused, a slow smile lining her face. It didn't reach her eyes. "That would be great."
Penny smiled back. "Great."
Callie had avoided another outing with Penny and Sofia for nearly two weeks, but she couldn't put it off any longer. She wasn't even sure why she had put it off at all; they all got along fantastically, and… Arizona didn't seem to care.
Everything had been going well for Callie: she had a nice, albeit compartmentalized, relationship with Penny, she and Sofia were a family, and—to an extent—her, Sofia, and Arizona were still a family, too. Just one that didn't live or have outings together. Callie hadn't always enjoyed the status quo, but she had come to accept it.
Penny used to be separate, though, and that had changed. As their relationship progressed, Penny wanted more of Callie, including time with her daughter. Callie knew she should have been happy about that. It was what she wanted. So, with her desires in mind, she sought out her girlfriend to invite her on a picnic that coming Saturday. They both had the day off, and it was her weekend with Sofia. Briefly, Callie thought about first asking for Arizona's approval, but then she realized there was no need. Apparently, Callie's evolving relationship with Penny and Penny's involvement with Sofia didn't bother Arizona. She had made that abundantly clear the week before.
"Hey," Callie greeted the charting resident. "Can I steal you for a minute?"
"Sure." Penny turned to Steph, who was sitting beside her, "I'll help you finish these when I get back."
"I'll be brief, I promise," Callie promised. Steph simply waved them off, uncaring, as she and Penny moved away from the desk.
"What's up?" Penny asked. Callie was acting nervous, and that, in turn, made her nervous.
"I… uh…" Callie paused. "I was wondering if you were free Saturday to… spend the day with me and Sof."
"Oh." Penny exhaled a sigh of relief, "For a second, I thought you were…" She shook her head, ridding herself of negative thoughts. "Never mind. I would love to spend the day with you and Sofia. What did you have in mind?"
"Picnic at the park," Callie smiled. "Then...maybe dinner?"
"At your place?"
"No. Out." Callie definitely wasn't ready for family-time at home. That was too much. And much too fast.
"Okay." Penny smiled. Callie had said she was on the same page and was taking steps, which was good thing. Even so, something was still off. Penny could feel it. "I have a really nice picnic basket, so I'll bring the food. No sandwiches, though, right?" Penny was grateful for the newfound knowledge. "Oh, maybe pizza?"
"No," Callie snapped at the suggestion. "Sandwiches are fine. They're just… they're fine."
To Penny's dismay, Callie's strange behavior continued throughout the rest of the week. She didn't seem unhappy per se, and she had offered a genuine apology for her curt response about the sandwiches but, still, something was off.
"Callie…" Penny pleaded after they hadn't talked at all the day before. "What's going on with you?"
Callie exhaled a long, exhausted breath. That was one problem: she had no idea what was going on with her. She just...felt something. In her chest. And it didn't feel good. "I don't know."
"Well…" Penny worried. "Do you...want to slow down?"
"No." Callie immediately shook her head. She liked Penny—she even loved her—so she wanted to work this out. Whatever "this" was. She knew that her girlfriend didn't deserve such sudden hostility. Penny hadn't done anything wrong.
Callie knew that.
"Okay…" Penny began, processing that new development. So her girlfriend didn't want to take a step back. That was good, but still, something was obviously wrong. "Do you want to cancel the picnic?"
Again, Callie shook her head. "It sounds fun, and I want Sofia to know you. Let's meet at the park on Saturday, okay? Hopefully I'll be out of this funk by then."
Penny opted to bring a grand platter of crackers, carrots, grapes, cheeses, and hummus for their picnic lunch instead of sandwiches. She figured that Sofia would at least go for the crackers, carrots, and grapes, and she knew for certain that Callie liked hummus and brie.
And, as it turned out, the selection had been a good choice.
Sitting on the checkered blanket beside her daughter and her girlfriend, Callie watched as Sofia stuffed a cracker into her mouth, sprinkling crumbs all over her dress.
"Sofia," Callie chuckle-chided. "Where are your manners?"
She met her mom's eyes, giggling a little ruefully. Callie nodded towards Penny, and Sofia knowingly turned towards their lunchdate. "Thank you for bringing the crackers," she offered politely.
Penny smiled. "You're very welcome, Sofia. I'm happy we're having lunch together."
"Me, too!" Sofia exclaimed, reaching for another cracker. "Hey, look!"
When Callie looked towards where Sofia was pointing, she noted what looked to be three siblings, kicking around a soccer ball while their parents cheered them on from the sidelines.
Callie smiled at the sweet scene, imagining Sofia playing the sport in the future, with her looking on.
"Oh, I love soccer," Penny gushed, turning towards Sofia. "Do you want me to ask if we can join them?"
Sofia shook her head. "My momma's going to teach me how to play. She said Uncle Tim was super good and fast, so I will be, too!"
Callie stiffened. It was rare that she thought of Tim anymore, seeing as though she spent so little time speaking with Arizona. She did remember, however, how excited her ex-wife had once been for Sof to be old enough to join a youth soccer team.
"Arizona," Callie laughed. "She's not even six months old. Isn't it a little early to think about what sports to sign her up for?" They were in the kitchen, cooking dinner for just the two of them, with Sofia at Mark's.
"Maybe." Arizona shrugged easily, grinning at Callie. "But think about how fun it could be." She set her knife down on the cutting board, opting instead to cross the kitchen and wrap her arms about Callie's middle from behind. "You and I would practice with her and cheer her on at all her games." She lowered her voice, husking in her wife's ear, "I could even become the coach and buy a hot little uniform."
Callie shuddered at that. "Oh, yeah?"
Arizona shrugged coyly. "Maybe." She giggled, kissing a caramel cheek before moving back to chop up some vegetables to sauté.
Suddenly, that memory was all Callie could think about: her and Arizona, cheering Sofia on from the sidelines. Together.
The rest of lunch suddenly didn't seem as appetizing, and what she had already eaten was in danger of coming back up. Her stomach clenched as her mind struggled to push down the thought of Arizona by her side.
There had been a time when she had thought of nothing else but Arizona at her side. She had feared anything less, and that fear had led to many mistakes on her part: mistakes made in a misguided attempt to keep that vision alive. It was ironic that her need to protect that future at all costs had ultimately been part of their undoing. She had held on too tight and lost her dream in the process. And trying to build that dream with someone else just wasn't the same.
"Callie, are you okay?" Penny reached out and rubbed Callie's arm, ripping her from her thoughts. "You look a little pale." She could have done more, but she didn't want to show too much physical affection; she wasn't sure what Callie had told Sofia about the nature of their relationship. Still, she felt the need to touch Callie in the moment; the woman looked haunted.
"I'm fine." Callie turned to Sofia. "Hey, kiddo, why don't you go play on the slide?"
"Yay!"
"Be careful, though," Callie warned. "You know you just got those stitches out last week."
"Okay, Mommy!"
Callie sighed as she watched Sofia run the few yards to the playset. She kept her eyes trained on the little girl, not because she was afraid of her getting hurt, but because she was afraid to look at Penny; she was sure her thoughts were written all over her face.
"Tell me what you're thinking," Penny entreated. "I know something is going on. You look like I kicked your puppy. Did I say something wrong?"
Callie finally looked away from her daughter, who had already made a friend to go up and down the slide with, and she allowed her gaze to fall on Penny.
Penny looked just a freaked out as Callie felt.
"I'm fine, Penny. I…just...I haven't thought of Tim in a long time." It was mostly the truth. She hadn't thought of Tim in a long time, but that wasn't the reason she felt nauseous.
"Oh." Penny nodded, attempting to understand. "You didn't keep in touch with her family after the divorce?"
"I never met Tim. He was killed in…" Callie paused. That wasn't her story to share. "He died before Arizona and I were together. She loved him so much, though. He was a big part of who she was. I'm glad she shares that with Sofia."
A cheer from the soccer field drew Callie's attention back in that direction. She watched as the youngest managed to get past her older playmate by kicking the ball between his legs.
"I played in the youth leagues, when I was little. I started right about at Sofia's age." Penny's gaze had followed Callie's toward the soccer players. "Do you think you'll sign Sofia up soon? I'd love to see a game..." Penny continued talking about her time playing soccer and why she eventually stopped. "I wasn't really that good. But I do love the sport..."
Callie thought about what Bailey had said to her: about who she wanted by her side cheering Sofia on. She tried to imagine Penny by her side—the woman had been nothing but wonderful in their time together—but she couldn't. When she imagined that future, she only saw one person. And it wasn't Penny.
Callie turned back to her girlfriend, who was still talking, and she realized she could see a present with her, but not a future. She loved spending time with her. She was funny, and charming, and everything she'd been looking for.
And everything had been great until Penny had wanted to meet Sofia. Everything had been great until Callie'd had to consider the future, because the only future she'd ever imagined had involved Arizona…and she wasn't ready to give that up. Even if it was only something she imagined in her head, she couldn't replace that happily ever after. Penny just didn't fit. Penny wasn't her forever-person.
She knew what she had to do.
"Penny." Callie took a deep breath. "I, uh… I think we…"
"What?"
"I need to go." Callie started packing up their things. She couldn't break up with her girlfriend with Sofia there. She had to go. She had to think. She couldn't do this then; it was all too much. "I'm…not feeling well, and I need to go home. I'll, uh… I'll call you soon. I promise."
Callie stood and called for Sofia to come back to the blanket. "Sweetie, we're going home."
"Why?" Sofia looked from her mother to Penny, who looked just as confused.
"Mommy doesn't feel well," Callie explained. "Get your stuff."
"But we didn't get to play yet," Sofia whined. "I wanted Penny to push me on the swings."
"Another time, Sofia," Penny promised. "You go with your mom."
"Okay," Sofia agreed grudgingly. "Bye, Dr. Penny."
"Goodbye, Sofia."
Callie took Sofia's hand and started to lead her towards the car.
"Callie," Penny called out. "We're okay, right?"
Callie swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded lightly. "We'll talk later. I'll call you." She turned and walked away, forcing herself to not look back.
She quickly buckled Sofia into her booster seat and got behind the wheel before allowing her emotions to take over. Her fingers shook as she attempted to start the car. She closed her eyes tightly, willing herself to calm down. She needed to get them home safely, and then she could cry. Once she got her baby home, she would figure out what was wrong and deal with it then.
She took a few long deep breaths, stemming the oncoming panic.
This time, when she put the key in the ignition, her hand was steady. She had pushed her feelings all back down into a manageable place to get her through the evening.
"Hello?" Seeing Callie's name on her screen, Arizona answered the phone, surprised by the late-night call.
On the other line, she could only hear shallow breathing.
"Callie?" Arizona wondered. "Are you there?"
"It's me," came a tiny voice. Sofia.
"Sofia?" Arizona worried, suddenly in protector mode. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"
"I don't know," Sofia whispered. Her mom had put her to bed an hour before, and she was supposed to be sleeping. Instead, however, she was wide awake; even the hallway and shut doors between them hadn't muffled her mom's sobs, and she couldn't sleep knowing Callie was so upset.
"Sofia…" Arizona pressed, feeling her heart speed up. "What's going on?!"
"Mommy's crying!" Sofia exclaimed, her fear getting the better of her. "I don't know why!"
"She's crying?" Arizona was already grabbing her car keys and heading for the door. "Did anyone hurt her? Are you okay?"
"Mm-hm," Sofia nodded, her lower lip jutting out. She was fine. It was her mom she was worried about.
"Sof, I'll be right there! Okay?" Arizona held her phone between her shoulder and ear as she maneuvered into the car.
Her car speakers echoed Sofia's fearful "Okay" on the other side of the line, and she set down her phone to talk on the Bluetooth. She knew it would only take ten minutes to drive to Callie's house, but she didn't want to hang up the phone on her daughter; the little girl sounded absolutely terrified. And with reason. There was nothing worse than hearing a parent cry.
In an attempt at distraction, Arizona prompted, "So, what did you and Mommy do today?"
"We went to the park! We had a picnic with Penny, and she brought crackers and cheese and carrots for me."
Distraction successful.
"Oh, wow!" Arizona exclaimed, attempting to feign excitement. Her grip tightened on the steering wheel. She was jealous by nature, she knew, but still. It was normal to detest her daughter getting to know her ex-wife's girlfriend. Wasn't it?
"Do you like Penny?"
"She's super nice." Sofia smiled. "I told her I'm gonna be a good soccer player."
"Why is that?" Arizona inquired.
"Because it's in my jeems, silly!" Sofia giggled. "'Cause Uncle Tim was so good."
Arizona laughed—beyond grateful for the respite from worry, however short. "It's in your genes, huh? We better sign you up soon, then."
"Yay!" Sofia cheered. Talking to her momma, she could barely even remember the turmoil that had led to her call. "Will you and Mommy help me get good?"
"Of course we will, honey," Arizona promised. "Hey, I'm going to hang up now, okay? I'm almost here."
"Okay."
"I love you. I'll see you in two minutes."
Desperate—both to see Sofia and to help her ex-wife—Arizona raced up the walkway to Callie's house and pounded on the front door. She in no way wanted to insert herself in between Callie and her problems, but what other choice did she have? Sof had called her—upset, terrified, and begging for her help. Arizona had a duty to help respond: not for Callie, but for their daughter.
And, well, also for Callie. Even if a requirement of conjugal compassion and togetherness no longer applied, she couldn't help if that sense of compassion extended infinitely even after their divorce. She cared for Callie; she had and did and would forevermore. Ending their marriage hadn't lessened the tenderness Arizona felt for her.
To her surprise, it was Sofia who threw open the door.
"Hey, Sof," Arizona exhaled, relieved to see her little girl. She pulled her in for a hug. "Are you okay?"
Sofia nodded against her momma's hair. "Mommy's still crying, and I'm scared."
"I know, sweetie," Arizona soothed, wrapping her arms more tightly around Sof's tiny body. She was desperate to find Callie and help, somehow, but her daughter was always her first priority, and Arizona needed to help her first.
"Before I go make Mommy feel better, how about I set up 'Finding Nemo' for you?" she suggested.
Sofia nodded excitedly, instantly backing out of Arizona's arms and racing towards the ouch in the living room.
Usually, that would have made Arizona smile, but instead, she only felt sick. Physically, her chest ached, and not only for Sofia—who'd had to hear her mother cry. But also for Callie. And for herself.
Arizona knew that she had no duty to care about her ex-wife any longer, but she had the right, didn't she? Because no matter how much time passed, how many other women they dated, and how brutally they had torn out each others' hearts, Arizona always cared. She had never been able to resist rushing to Callie's side when she was upset, and—no matter how much she sometimes wished it had—that need had never dissipated.
So her chest ached for Callie—for her pain and suffering— and it also ached for herself: for how much she cared, for her unspoken, unwavering attachment, and for her obvious inability to ever move on entirely from a love that was more real and true than anything she had ever known.
Finally, she set up the movie, wrapped a blanket around Sofia's shoulders, and kissed the top of her head. "Keep an eye on Nemo for me, will you?" she teased.
Sofia grinned up at her, disaster forgotten. "I will," she giggled.
"Okay," Arizona smiled back, exhaling a sigh of relief. One family member safe, one to go.
With one final affectionate brush through silky dark-brown hair, Arizona began the nerve-wracking journey towards Callie's bedroom.
Gently, she knocked on the wooden door and waited for a response. She felt sick. What the hell had happened? Had Penny broken Callie's heart? Had someone died? A patient? A parent?
She cracked open the door, comforted by the fact that all her questions were soon to be answered.
Because there Callie was. Lying in her oversized bed, hiding beneath the blankets. She was turned away from Arizona and whimpering with sobs, so she hadn't heard the gentle crack of the opening door. Tissues were strewn all over the place, and she just looked...small.
To Arizona, Callie usually had a grand presence. She was tall, and confident, and beautiful, and the air shifted in every room she walked into. Arizona always noticed her immediately, and she knew she would have been foolish if she thought that other people didn't, too. Callie was just big, in who she was. She demanded to be known: with her eyes, her smile, her heart, and that laugh. Her specialness was uncontainably large.
But, in that moment, Callie looked small. Smaller than she had looked when her father had disowned her. Smaller than she had looked when her mother had abandoned her before their wedding. Smaller than she had looked even when Mark had died.
Something truly devastating must have transpired for Callie to look so miserably small.
"Calliope…" Arizona exhaled, overcome with sudden care.
Callie jumped, turning her head so fast that she almost got whiplash. As soon as she saw her ex-wife—the woman she was weeping over—she fiercely wiped her eyes. Or attempted to, anyway; Arizona being there, all soft and angelic, only made her tears fall faster.
Callie had come to realization that she wanted a future with her ex-wife, and now there Arizona was. In her house. In her bedroom. Exhaling her name.
"Arizona…" Callie choked out. "What...What are you doing here?"
"Sofia called," Arizona explained, her voice still quiet, and her eyes still fixed to Callie, taking her in. "She said you wouldn't stop crying."
Callie—overwhelmed by the tension in the atmosphere—attempted to chuckle, but it immediately morphed into a sob. "Damn it." She reached for a tissue. Hell, she reached for ten tissues. "I thought she was asleep."
"It's okay," Arizona assured her, walking towards the bed. "I mean...you scared her. But she's okay."
"Great." Callie attempted to hide her red and swollen face from view, her voice as tight as a drum.
"Are you okay?" Arizona pressed, edging closer.
Callie sat up in bed, attempting to level out the playing field as best she could. There Arizona was, disrupting her personal space—and blissfully.
Suddenly, Callie was at a loss: how the hell had she ever believed she had loved Penny?
She hadn't. She couldn't. Not when there was Arizona.
Penny was an option; not a choice. Or, well, she was a second choice. Callie felt cruel admitting that, but it was the truth.
Penny was great, but she was no Arizona.
But, as far as Callie knew, Arizona was done. Moved on.
So, no, she wasn't okay. And she offered no response.
When Callie didn't answer the question, Arizona added, "Look, I know it's not my place. And I can go and take Sofia home with me, if you want, but…" She shrugged, a little self-conscious (how was it that only Callie ever managed to make her feel that way?). "I just...you don't have to be alone. Just tell me what happened, and I'll help."
And at those sweet words of unity, Callie finally met concerned blue eyes. "We spent the day together," she whispered at a numbed monotone. "Me, Sof, and Penny."
"Okay…" Arizona nodded, moving to sit down at the very edge of the bed—careful not to completely infringe on her ex-wife's space. From what she had heard from Sof, it had been a good outing. How had it left Callie so despondent? "And…?"
"And it was just so...ordinary," Callie explained, her eyes fiercely locking with cerulean blues.
Arizona felt her heart take off in her chest, pounding more rapidly than hummingbird wings.
A shift was coming. Something that would change her life. Forever. She could feel it. And that feeling rendered her entirely speechless, useless to stop Callie from saying more. Useless to stop her from initiating the shift.
Not that Arizona really wanted to stop her, anyway.
"Bailey said something to me. A couple weeks ago," Callie continued. "And it's been with me. Chasing me, like a shadow. A feeling…I haven't been able to shake."
"What did she say?" Arizona could hardly breathe, waiting in anticipation.
"She asked me who I see by my side, when I imagine the distant future. And...no matter how hard I've tried not to, I can only ever picture you."
Arizona felt her breath catch in her throat. If her heart was beating fast before then, in that moment, it surely stopped altogether.
"Arizona…" Callie began, the dulcet devotion in her voice echoing throughout the room. She shook her head helplessly, only able to stare at her ex-wife in absolute wonderment. "I just...I see you," she emphasized. "It's only you. It's always you."
Forcing herself to break the silence as Callie's warm, expectant brown eyes implored her own, Arizona croaked out, "And you don't want it to be. That's why you're..."
That was why Callie was upset, wasn't it? Because she was in Callie's thoughts, when Callie wanted her thoughts to be on Penny. Perfect Penny, who Callie loved and who had befriended Sofia.
"No," Callie clarified immediately. That wasn't it at all. She threw back the blankets, realizing suddenly that she was overheating. She stood up, watching as Arizona's eyes tracked her, her body then following.
"No?" Arizona pressed when Callie didn't offer more, pacing a few steps behind her.
Callie turned on her heel, abruptly facing Arizona, who was suddenly mere inches away.
"No," Callie confirmed once more. "Because, ever since I first met you, I've wanted it to be you. Ever since I first fell in love with you, I've wanted to marry you, and to have kids with you, and for us to die in a flash of light in each other's arms, or something," she babbled truthfully. "I didn't want any life where you weren't at my side. And, apparently, I still don't."
A slow—albeit uncertain—smile teased pink lips. She was scared as hell to allow herself to imagine Callie as hers again. But there she was, imagining it, anyway. At that profession, how could she not? She licked her lips, still refusing to let down her guard entirely. What was Callie saying, really?
"But...realizing that made you cry so hard that you woke up our daughter?" she pushed dubiously. That action seemed to contradict anything positive her ex-wife said. Because, from where Arizona stood, it seemed as though the thought had only caused Callie pain.
Callie pursed her lips, her eyes exploring Arizona's expressive face. How could she explain the truth?
"I cried because this terrifies me," she admitted. "I realized today that nothing and no one is going to make me not want you. Regardless of our past and how scared I am, all I can picture is an extraordinary future with you. And I know it's too late, now. You don't want that anymore. I get that. It's why I thought I could move on, and-"
Her explanation, however, was cut short when, all at once, she felt two hands that were both stronger and softer than she had expected cradling her face and pulling her in for a kiss.
The soft glow from the lamp in the hallway was the only light in Callie's room. Its beam shone on them like a spotlight, highlighting a grand performance.
Both of their hearts beat in rhythm for the first time in years as their lips met in an inevitable outpouring of passion. Supple lips, warm mouths, and the sound of soft whimpers consumed them both, urging them impossibly closer.
Callie desperately grabbed at Arizona's hair, holding on for dear life. She pushed against the smaller body, insisting on maximum contact. This is right, she thought. This is what love and passion feels like. A kiss like that was what she had been missing.
Arizona was wrapped up in the taste and smell and feel of Callie, her senses overwhelmed by her. She was lost, and found, and everything at once. She was home. And for a moment, she selfishly allowed herself enjoy the feeling.
Callie's nostrils flared as she attempted to breathe while desperately maintaining physical contact. But Arizona pulled back, forcing Callie to chase after her retreating lips.
"Please," Callie breathed.
Callie's frenzied plea pulled Arizona out of her impassioned daze. She couldn't take their kiss any further. Callie was dating Penny. Arizona wouldn't allow herself to be the person who made Callie into a cheater, and she was never going to be a cheater again.
They needed to stop.
"Callie," she whispered, feeling tears sting her eyes. "I need to go."
"Please don't," Callie entreated, not caring about the consequences of her actions. She felt alive again, aware in a way she hadn't been in years—since before the plane crash. She was finally cognizant of what she wanted and, more specifically, of who she wanted.
Her heart felt ready to rupture from the ecstasy of that realization.
"I have to," Arizona maintained. "This isn't right. You have a girlfriend. We're divorced. Done. We've been done for years. You've moved on, and I…" She forced out the words. "I've moved on. This isn't right."
"It feels right." Callie reached for Arizona, again. "Tell me it doesn't feel right."
"I… I can't…" Arizona closed her eyes to keep her rising tears at bay. Callie smiled, thinking she had convinced Arizona to stay, but she was wrong. "I can't stay, Callie. I'm going to go check on Sof. Then, I'm going home."
Callie's face fell for a moment as she watched Arizona rapidly retreat from her bedroom, but her dismay didn't last long.
Arizona had kissed her. She had stumbled over her insistence that she had moved on. She still loved her; that much was clear to Callie. And where there was love, there was hope.
Callie flopped back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Try as she might, she couldn't keep the smile off of her face.
There was hope.
Arizona, on the other hand, was not smiling. Her ex-wife—and, well, the love of her life—had just confessed that she still loved her, and wanted her, and imagined a future with only her. And then there had been that kiss.
The evening had shifted the life she had come to recognize as her own. She had finally accepted her current state of being: divorced, middle-aged, lesbian mom, who was an excellent double-board-certified lesbian surgeon. She had loved fiercely and lost greatly. She had resigned to the fact that she might not ever feel such an incomprehensibly deep bond with any other human.
Callie had been the exception. She had been the one, and Arizona had forced herself to bury that truth.
Until that night, when they had shared that earth-splintering kiss, and Callie had told her everything she had ever dreamed of hearing.
She paced back and forth in her kitchen, ignoring the sharp pain that pinched her inner thigh from her prosthesis. It was nothing next to the pungent throbbing that overwhelmed her heart.
Even after so much time, Arizona still loved Callie and imagined a future with only her. And she was petrified.
Love alone hadn't been enough to keep them together before, and Arizona knew she would be foolish to believe that had changed.
Exhausted, she crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling. She had kissed Callie, and it had felt so right. Feeling those lips had animated all the incandescent passion and love that existed within her.
All the fear, too.
The following morning, Callie ended her relationship with Penny. Even a few days before, she might have felt callous for putting an end to something that had been so good, but no more.
Because, in truth, her relationship with Penny hadn't been as good as she had initially thought. It had just been easy. It had been soft and passive—their problems small and immediately solved.
Her relationship with Arizona, on the other hand, had always been hard. It was active; it had to be. It was difficult and exhausting and infuriating and exactly what love was supposed to be. With Arizona, Callie felt both stronger and more helplessly human.
And she loved that.
So she had ended her relationship with Penny in the hopes that Arizona would realize that her kiss meant something and that she wanted a future together, too.
Callie was willing to wait and to allow her ex-wife time to process the events of the night before, and then, they would address their truths. She was almost certain that Arizona felt just as she did, so she only needed to give the blonde a few days to get over the fear. Then, hopefully, there would be no more fear: only joy.
It wasn't until a few days later that Callie finally approached Arizona. She had given her ample time to process through their last interaction, and she was certain that the blonde had decided what she wanted by then.
Callie felt nervous butterflies flitting around her belly as she came across her ex-wife having an intense-looking conversation with Bailey. And, despite her better judgment, she couldn't stop herself from interrupting. She had waited long enough. She had spent years being apart from Arizona, and she didn't want to waste even another second.
"Bailey," she greeted casually as she came to a stop in front of the two women. She hoped her tone didn't betray her internal terror. Even being so close to Arizona, she felt her heart speed up, taking flight in her chest.
The Chief of Surgery nodded in return. "Torres."
Gulping in fear, Callie turned and acknowledged the blonde, meeting her eyes at last. "Arizona."
"Callie," Arizona responded in turn. She could have cut the tension with a scalpel, if she'd had one.
"Did you, um..." Callie's eyes flicked to Bailey for a brief moment, then back to Arizona. "Have I given you enough time to process?"
Bailey narrowed her eyes at the two exes—and her dear friends. Something was up.
Arizona blushed under Bailey's watchful gaze, but she answered Callie, anyway. "Yes. I did."
"And...?"
"And…" Arizona's lips curved into a slow smile. "It feels right."
Callie nearly choked on her own saliva. "Really?" Her voice trembled with suppressed giddiness.
At Arizona's affirmative nod, Callie's eye shined with unshed tears—happy tears. Her joyous smile warmed the room and spread like a wildfire to Arizona, and then to Bailey—who didn't even know what she was smiling about.
"What? What feels right?" Bailey finally asked, her curiosity taking over. When neither woman answered, she huffed, "You two going to tell me what the hell we're so happy about?"
"The future, Bailey," Arizona finally explained, her eyes never straying from Callie's. "We're happy about the future." She grinned at Callie, feeling her heart settle in her chest for the first time since their divorce. Maybe even longer.
"And about cheering for Sofia at soccer games," Callie beamed, adding, "Together."
Callie and Arizona were together; they were really together, physically and spiritually connected in a way they had never been before. During their time apart, their love had only expanded, and they felt a deep sense of unity and loyalty that was almost tangible.
They demonstrated this remarkable care in even the simplest of touches and smiles that were so clearly reverent that their coworkers looked on with awe: their old friends glad to see them happy and reconciled, and their new friends amazed by just how happy they could be together.
And Callie felt this care for the tenth time that day when Arizona reached for her hand, instinctively entwining their palms. They had decided to spend the uncharacteristically warm evening at their bench with Sofia: a family picnic. Callie had packed a basket of drinks and fruit, and Sofia diligently carried the medium pizza they had picked up on their way to the park.
"Do you remember this spot, Sof?" Arizona asked once they had reached their destination. "It's been a long time since we've come here."
"Too long," Callie chimed in, offering the blonde a loving smile. Arizona easily matched it.
Sofia shook her head. She didn't remember. Then, she looked out towards the city skyline, her jaw comically dropping at the view. "It's so pretty! We should come here more!"
Callie and Arizona laughed at her awed expression, and Callie leaned down to kiss the top of her head. "We will from now on, sweetie. Promise."
Arizona sat down, setting the pizza box on the edge of the bench. "Hey, kiddo," she began. "You going to come sit down, or should Mommy and I eat this whole pizza without you?"
Immediately, Sofia skipped over and sat down, directly beside her momma. "Can I have a slice?"
Arizona deliberately raised her eyebrows at the little girl. They were still working on her manners.
"May I have a slice, please?" Sofia corrected herself, dimpling adorably.
"You may," Arizona smiled proudly, immediately handing Sof a slice of warm cheesy pizza on a blue paper plate.
Callie sat down on Sofia's other side, exhaling a contented breath. She was at one of her favorite places in the world, overlooking her favorite view with her two favorite people. What more could she have asked for?
She settled her arm on the back on the bench, reaching around Sofia to affectionately rub Arizona's back, reveling in the warmth beneath her palm.
Arizona flashed Callie a grin, leaning back into the touch. "You want some?"
Callie nodded. "I'll always want your pizza," she joked.
Arizona chuckled, handing her love a slice. "I guess we have a lot of pizza nights to make up for." She turned to face Sofia. "Sof, what do you say to coming here again next weekend?"
Sofia just nodded in excitement, her mouth too full to answer. She was never one to turn down pizza, or quality time with her moms.
"We probably should have gotten more napkins," Callie lamented, cringing at the greaseshine that framed her daughter's mouth.
Arizona laughed, waving off the idea. "Just let it happen. We'll make her take a shower tonight, anyway."
"What if I get all greasy?" Callie teased. "Will you make me take a shower?" She salaciously raised an eyebrow, grateful that Sofia was too focused on her pizza to notice.
"I'll see to it myself that you get scrubbed clean," Arizona promised, offering a flirty wink. "I might even join you."
Callie hummed, self-satisfied, and the three of them fell into easy conversation about Sofia's upcoming school play; she had secured the part of Dolores Huerta—a coveted role.
"I'm kinda scared," she admitted truthfully, doe eyes peeking up towards her two mothers. "What if I get nervous and forget all my lines?"
Callie let Arizona take the lead on that one. "If you get nervous, just find us in the audience and pretend we're the only ones there. Just like when we practice."
Callie nodded in agreement, adding, "We'll be in the very first row, holding Daddy's big ol' video camera." Capturing every second.
Arizona reached up, squeezing Callie's hand at the mention of Mark. She wrapped her other arm around Sofia's shoulders, pulling the six-year-old into her side. "You're going to do a great job, sweetie."
"You will," Callie reinforced, running her fingers through long brown hair.
Sofia smiled, shutting her eyes. She hardly remembered a time when her mothers had been together, but she was glad that they had reconciled at last. Now, she simultaneously could spend time with the two women she loved and admired most. There was nothing better, and she had never before experienced so much love all at once.
A few minutes later, they all heard kids approaching. Apparently, other families had opted to take advantage of the warm night, too.
Callie turned her head, noticing a group of five kids carrying a soccer ball. "Hey, Sof, look."
Sofia turned around, noting that one of the kids was in her class. "That's Wyatt!" she exclaimed, exuberantly waving to the tall, blonde-haired boy.
"Why don't you go ask him if you can play?" Arizona prompted. Over the course of the past few weeks, she had seen how eager Sofia was to try out the sport.
"Come on," Callie further encouraged when Sof didn't move as she continued to eye the kids from where she was seated between them. "We'll watch you from here."
Sofia soon forgot about her initial shyness, hopping off the bench to offer Wyatt a quick hug and a quick introduction to his friends. "Hi, I'm Sofia! Can I play?"
They divided into two teams, and Callie and Arizona stood up, moving to lean against the back of the bench so that they could watch their daughter kick around the ball with her playmates.
Despite the warm sun, Arizona shivered, and Callie's eyebrows furrowed in concern. "Are you cold?"
Arizona made a face. "No," she lied.
Callie rolled her eyes, opening her arms wide. "You know I never mind keeping you warm."
Arizona dimpled, gratefully burrowing herself into Callie's warm embrace as they watched Wyatt kick the ball between Sofia's legs, giggling devilishly.
"Hey!" Sofia protested, laughing as she chased after him.
A few minutes later, Arizona abruptly pulled back, wondering, "Callie?"
"Hmm?" Callie knit her brows together as she turned to face the suddenly flustered blonde.
"Do you…" Arizona gulped. "Do you want to get married?"
Callie's eyebrows flew up. "Are you asking?" she teased, jovially bumping her shoulder against Arizona's.
"No…" Arizona backpedalled. "Not now, anyway."
Callie paused momentarily, then answered the previous question truthfully. "I don't think I do." She cautiously watched Arizona, hoping to get a read on what she was thinking.
"Why not?" Arizona remained stoic, her tone inscrutable.
"Because I don't need to." Callie wanted to be honest. She didn't need marriage. Not anymore. She had been married twice—and neither time had ended well. She didn't need it again and, also, she feared what it might do to her and Arizona. She didn't want to put pressure on the woman she loved, and she didn't want to create expectations that neither of them could meet.
Meeting watchful blue eyes, Callie continued, "I don't want marriage to ruin us. I know we'll be together forever, with or without it. I love you, and we're going to grow old together. We're going to dance together at Sofia's wedding. And I don't need a piece of paper or anyone else's approval to know that."
"Okay," Arizona accepted, reaching out and grabbing Callie's hand. "But...what if I want to get married? I want the chance to make vows to you—vows I will never break again. What if..."
She paused, imploring wide brown eyes."What if I did ask you? Because I really want to. Callie, I want to be your wife. I want the world to know we belong to each other."
She wanted Callie to be hers—mind, body, and soul—and vise versa. "I know we don't need a piece of paper to prove our love, but I want Sofia to know her moms are committed this time. And I want you to know how committed I am. To you," she added shyly.
A slow, unrivaled smile bloomed on full lips. Arizona was infinitely committed. She would have been a fool not to see that.
"So…" Arizona smiled, anxiously awaiting Callie's response. "If I wanted to marry you…"
"Then, yeah," Callie finished giddily, tenderly brushing back a lock of blonde hair. "If you want to get married, I'll put on a big white dress, and we can dance down the aisle."
Arizona leaned in, leaving a long, dizzying kiss on plump red lips. Releasing a little moan, Callie pulled Arizona to her. Soon, however, they were grinning and laughing more than they were actually kissing.
That is, until they heard the sound of kids squealing in the distance. "Pass me the ball!" Sofia threw up her hands, hoping to grab her teammate's attention.
The boy kicked the ball towards her, and—to Callie and Arizona's surprise—Sofia was able to stop it with her foot.
"Make the shot!" Wyatt instructed, egging on his friend.
Sticking out her tongue in concentration, Sofia maneuvered towards the makeshift net. She threw back her foot, then kicked the ball with all her might. It flew straight into the goal.
"GOOOOAL!" Callie, Arizona, and Sofia's teammates exclaimed, jumping up and down in excitement.
Sofia bulged her eyes, surprised by her own accomplishment. She whipped around to face her moms. "I did it?"
Callie and Arizona began walking towards her, their arms spread wide.
"You did it!"
"Come here, you superstar!"
Sofia raced towards them, running right into their waiting arms.
As Arizona tightly squeezed their daughter, looking prouder than ever before, Callie observed the sweet scene in utter wonderment and caught her eye.
"This is it," she decided, beaming.
Arizona offered a playful—albeit inquisitive—smile. "This is what?"
"This is it," Callie repeated solemnly. "This is what a happy ending feels like."
The end.