Zutara Month Day 12: Love Letters

Tell Me Where Your Heart Is

Katara knows she really shouldn't be looking at this. She's only in Zuko's study to look for some extra parchment paper, and when she'd opened the drawer, this hadn't been what she was expecting. Katara isn't even sure why she picked it up, unfolded the careful creases, and started to read it. But once she had read the first line, she found that she couldn't stop. It was like a light, and she was the moth, unable to resist.

It's wrong of her, and she knows it. Not touching things that didn't belong to oneself is a lesson taught in early childhood, one Katara knows perfectly well. But she can't tear her eyes from the beautiful prose written on the page.

To the one who holds my heart,

I may never have the nerve to say how I truly feel out loud in your presence. I suppose that makes me a coward. But the truth is, I love you too much to upset the balance between us, for I fear that you cannot possibly feel the same way about me as I do for you.

So I've resigned myself to tell you everything I can't say in a letter I'll never send. I love you, irrevocably and absolutely. I am as sure of it as I am certain that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. I love you.

You are beauty and grace, poise and elegance. You are passionate, resolute, daring, and assiduous. I could name a hundred adjectives to describe you, and not a single one will ever do you justice. My words, as they do often do when it comes to you, fail me.

Katara's eyes trace the words written in the neat, familiar script. She can't hope to think this letter was written for her, but still it blooms, from someplace warm in her chest and it takes on a life of its own, vines and flowers sprouting in her veins and wrapping around her ribs.

This is Zuko's neat penmanship, and while she doesn't think much of her own self-importance, she can't think of anyone else this letter could be for. She and Zuko are close, and she would like to think that if he were in love with anyone else, he would at least tell her, if not the one who holds his affections.

She prays that it's about her. If it's not, it may just crush her. Because she loves him, as utterly and absolutely as his letter claims he loves her (if it's about her at all).

Katara reads on, hoping the letter will give some clue as to the identity of the woman he's writing about. But to her dismay, it doesn't. It ends with his anonymous signature, From the one who would gladly give his heart to you.

Katara holds the letter to her chest, feeling her heart drumming against her breastbone. She feels nothing and everything at once.

Carefully, she folds the letter again and goes to return it to its place in the drawer. But then she sees two more pieces of folded parchment that she hadn't noticed before.

Katara sucks in a sharp breath between her teeth and reaches for the letters before she stops herself. Isn't it bad enough that she's already read one letter? It would be an even worse invasion of Zuko's privacy to read the others, wouldn't it? But since she'd already read one, what would be the harm? Maybe she'd find out the identity of his secret love...which might very well be her.

Katara is not a perfect person, and maybe if she had a stronger will, she'd resist the urge to pick up the other two pieces of parchment. But she isn't perfect, and obviously her will isn't strong enough to resist temptation, because it only takes a few seconds of deliberation before her resolve crumbles and she plucks out the second letter. Before she reads it, she does have the sense to poke her head out into the hall and make sure no one is coming. The corridor is empty, and she returns to the desk after shutting and locking the door behind her. Then Katara greedily inhales the words on the page.

To the one who holds my heart,

It is the best torture to be in your presence. Each day that I am with you is both the best and the most agonizing of my life. I long to be around you, to hear your sweet laughter and see your beautiful smile. But being around you, knowing how I feel...well, to put it simply, it's not easy.

Sometimes I think I might be strong enough to cross the ocean of uncertainty between us and confess my true feelings. But when I get the nerve to do it, I can't bring myself to see it through. My knees grow weak and it suddenly seems like all the air has been pulled from my lungs. I get lost in your eyes.

Agni, I get lost in your eyes so easily. They are oceans, deep and unfathomable, but full of life and wonder.

Katara stares down at the half-read letter, hearing her blood pulse in her ears as she re-reads the last two paragraphs. Zuko references the ocean twice. Is it possible...could he be talking about her? She swallows her excitement and reads on.

I don't deserve you. I know that much. I'm not half the man who deserves your heart. My past is complicated, even though I've done what I can to redeem myself. It'll never be enough. You deserve nothing short of perfection.

She stops again as the tears burn her eyes at his words. He can't truly believe that about himself, can he? Zuko is so much more than his past or his mistakes. He's an honorable, respectable man. Maybe he's not perfect, but who is? He's amazing exactly as he is.

A single tear slides down her cheek and Katara wipes it away before it falls on the paper and smudges the ink. She finishes reading the letter, but it doesn't scream at her It's you, Katara! You're the one I love! So she moves on to the final one.

Sometimes I watch you while we sit in endless meetings, when I'm sure no one else is looking at me. They often don't, at least not when you have the floor.

You're a force of nature, nothing to be trifled with. The passion you feel is tangible as proposals and arguments flow from your lips, your eyes a tempest as you try to sway the others to your cause. I think you have single handedly convinced those stuffy old ministers to pass more legislation in the six months you have been here than I have in the entirety of my five years at the helm of the Fire Nation. It's admirable. I envy your eloquence.

But beyond that, I watch you, the way the sunlight dances in your eyes and shines on your hair. I study the curves of your face as it reflects your emotions. You have always been such an open book. One would think your expressions would betray how you feel towards me, but somehow, that part of you is a blank page. Almost as if you don't want me to see.

And I can't help but hope that maybe that's a sign, that you feel for me as I feel for you. Maybe you're afraid to put it to words, as I am. But I cannot ever speak these feelings to you unless I know...I won't put you in that position.

I don't think I'm a selfish person, and confessing my love would be selfish. I can never just be me. I will always be the Fire Lord, and if you chose to stand by my side, one day you may be Fire Lady. Or my queen, as I know you will never be content to be just a figurehead.

I know you crave to see the world, to travel and be free. Being here now is just a formality as we look to fill the position permanently. And once it's filled, you'll be gone again, like smoke on the breeze. If you chose me, I could not promise you that life. I am anchored here. Could you possibly find contentment in this life?

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. I want you, but I shouldn't ask this of you. But maybe I am selfish, because Agni, do I want to. I want you here. With me, always.

Katara lets the letter fall into her lap, suddenly breathing in shallow breaths. It is her. He has to be talking about her. She is here as interim ambassador after the previous one retired. Her father is still searching for a suitable replacement. There's no doubt in her mind now.

She folds the letter up and puts it away. While gathering her nerves, she forms an idea. Katara quickly grabs a fresh piece of parchment and Zuko's calligraphy brush. She uncaps the inkwell and begins to write.

To the one whose heart I hold,

I love you too. Deeply, unfathomably. You hold my heart as surely as I hold yours; you have held it since the day you took a bolt of lightning intended for me.

I, too, have been afraid to speak the truth in my heart. I never believed you could love me as I love you. But now that I know...I can never walk away. I want nothing more than to be yours.

If you are brave enough to confront this with me, meet me at the turtleduck pond tonight. I'll be waiting there for you.

The one who will gladly give you her heart.

Katara leaves the parchment folded on his desk before she slips from the room. Her heart is a thunderstorm in her chest, but it is a minor nuisance beneath the garden that has blossomed there.

Zuko steels his nerves with a shaky breath before he steps out into the garden. He can smell the flowers in full bloom, and can hear the nocturnal birds calling in the cherry blossom trees. The moon bathes the garden in a silvery glow, and he hopes that she is waiting for him there. His heart is a sparrowkeet.

As he steps onto the lush grass, his eyes cut over the garden, hoping to lay eyes upon her. But as far as he can tell, the garden is empty. Disappointment blooms in his chest. Did she back out at the last minute? Was she afraid? If he went back into the palace and to her chambers, would he find them hastily packed and abandoned, with her having fled into the night?

Zuko swallows down his panic. He won't make any assumptions until he has searched this garden and made sure she isn't just running late. He doesn't think his heart could stand it if he doesn't.

Nothing moves in the quiet garden as he slowly makes his way to the turtleduck pond. The moon's half-face reflects in the still waters and he focuses on that to steady himself.

Her voice breaks his concentration as her soft words cut through the still night, "I was almost afraid you wouldn't come."

Zuko looks up as she steps out from behind the willow tree next to the pond. Her hair is down and falls in soft curls down her back. The moonlight catches her eyes and he thinks his heart stops beating for a full second before he can find his voice.

"Of course I came," he returns breathlessly. "I was afraid you had changed your mind."

Katara crosses the distance between them until she stops in front of him, looking up at him with her impossibly blue eyes. Her lips are soft and slightly parted, and he wants nothing more than to kiss her. He hears her soft exhale and feels her cool breath on his face.

He swallows before he offers her a small smile. "So...you read my letters?"

She clasps her hands in front of her waist, looking sheepish. "I didn't mean to. I just...happened to find them?"

"In my desk drawer. Folded up."

Even in the moonlight, he sees the blush that rises in her cheeks. She won't quite meet his gaze.

"Yeah," she says. "I'm sorry."

Zuko doesn't like the look on her face. He puts two fingers under her chin and gently lifts her head until she looks up at him.

"I'm not," he breathes when her eyes meet his. He searches her face as he skims his fingers along her jaw to cup her cheek in his hand. "Did you mean what you wrote?"

"Every word," she replies reverently.

The pad of his thumb strokes the curve of her cheekbone. She closes her eyes and leans into his touch with a soft sigh. The sound lands against his skin and is absorbed into his bloodstream. Agni, does he love her.

"So...you would be okay if I kissed you right now?" he asks softly.

Her bottom lip catches between her teeth as her eyes widen. He feels her still beneath his touch.

She smiles up at him and lets out a small laugh. "If you don't, I may just kiss you instead, I've waited so long."

Zuko smiles and lets out a small laugh of his own, then he bridges the distance between them and presses his lips to hers.

Katara melts like ice under the sun, leaning into the kiss, into him. His lips are warm and soft. Much softer than she imagined. Her hands link around his neck, her fingers carding through his hair. He wraps his free hand around her waist and pulls her against him, needing to feel her heartbeat against his chest.

When they break apart, it's only because their lungs are starved for oxygen. But they don't pull back entirely, their bodies lined up perfectly.

"You truly hold my heart," he tells her breathlessly.

Her hand skims down his arm until she locks their fingers together. "And you hold mine."