trigger warning activated

Lee looked down at his watch and glanced down the hallway.

"Did she ever come out?" He asked, concerned.

"It's alright, Lee," Gunner said, leaning back in his chair. "Ladies take longer than we do."

Lee rolled his eyes. "It's been a while."

"Well, I have to pee anyway," Gunner said, standing up and stretching out his arms, his blonde hair slick against his skin. Lee sighed and sat back, sipping his beer.

Gunner wandered down the hallway towards the bathroom, yawning with a groan before he got to the door and knocked on it. There was no answer, so he knocked again and pressed his ear to it. Still no answer.

With his ear pressed to the door, his head was angled slightly down. He felt something under his boot so he moved his foot away and saw one of the pills that had rolled away from Sammy when she pulled the lid off of the bottle. He knelt down and picked it up, confused. Then the worry crashed into him like a freight train and he tried the handle.

It wasn't locked. He squeezed himself through and into the little bathroom and saw her laying limp against the wall, falling slightly to the side. The palm of her hand was open and filled with pills, the bottle emptied in the sink.

"Oh, shit," he said, leaning down and slapping her a few times. No response. "Shit!"

He shook her shoulders, moving her and causing the pills in her hand to spill out and roll over the floor. Still nothing. He felt dread settle onto his shoulders and he grabbed her, lifting her slightly and dragging her towards the shower.

"Hey!" He yelled, panic building. "Hey! Hey!"
He flipped on the shower to the coldest setting and pulled her in, wobbling her head back and forth under the spray. It was freezing, but she didn't respond.

The guys were talking about the benefit of knives vs. guns in a close combat situation. Lee, ever the bladesmith, said that blades provided the best chance of survival especially if you could fight. Barney said that a gun might blow your ear out but one bullet was all it ever took. That's when they heard Gunner shout and the water in the bathroom turned on.

They all glanced at each other, confused. After a second, Lee felt his heart kick into gear and he stood, dropping his bottle and running to the bathroom. The guys were close behind.

When he looked in he saw the pills spilled all over the floor, and Gunner was soaking wet in the shower and shivering with a limp Sammy in his arms.

"Fucking help me!" Gunner yelled, sinking to the floor of the shower. Her face was pale and hollow, her hair stringy and wet. She had a look of death about her and it made Lee go numb. There was no air flowing in her lungs, no movement behind her eyes. An image of Riley laying in that hospital bed came over him and he panicked.

"What the fuck happened?" He asked, reaching over and taking Sammy's face in his hands.

"She stole the fucking pills," Gunner said miserably, still shaking her. "We have to make her puke. Fuck!"

Gunner shifted his grip on her and shoved two fingers into her mouth. Her body twitched and convulsed for a second but nothing came up. He tried again, and she doubled over as she threw up into the shower. Lee watched in horror, reaching forward to take her head again and shake it.

"Sammy!" He yelled. He could feel tears seething hot behind his eyes, and he was angry. "Sammy, wake up!"

He shook her head in his hands and Gunner lifted her up under the flow of the cold water. His lips were turning blue underneath it.

After a second of yelling, Sammy began to cough.

"Fuck!" Lee yelled, his voice breaking. He reached into the shower, wrapping his arms around Sammy and pulling her out. He clung to her, finally starting to shiver, and pulled her out into the hallway. The guys watched on, shocked- confused- they'd seen death, but never quite like that. Never quite on the edge, and not usually without blood.

Gunner turned the water off and hurried out, dripping all over Tool's floor.

"Is she breathing?" Barney asked, leaning over Lee's shoulder.

As though in response she coughed again and Lee rolled her onto her side in case anything else came up. Gunner looked down at the mess of pills and held his head in his hands.

"Sammy, Sammy," Lee tried, shaking her shoulder again. "Sammy, come on. Sammy!"

Her eyes rolled open and she groaned, stuck in a daze. He lifted her half into his arms and rubbed her hair off of her face, gently slapping her cheeks to try and pull her back to life.

"Sammy, come on Sammy," he said, "what the hell did you do? What did you do?"

Sammy coughed again, fingers twitching and cold. Her head lulled back and forth, her eyes struggling to focus on Lee. She was confused.

"Sammy," Lee said again, shaking his head down at her. "Sammy, what did you do?"

Sammy blinked a few times and looked up at him, tired and afraid. Tears welled in her eyes as the memories creeped back to her, and she wasn't sure if she was crying because she failed or crying because she was ashamed. The tears slipped from her eyes as Lee came into focus, his face twisted with concern and anger. He was wet. It was cold.

"Sammy, can you hear me?" He asked.

She nodded, one hand twitching up to the side of his own. Her head still rolled. She wasn't completely back in her body yet.

"What did you do?" He asked, pulling her into his chest, his heart racing and spreading a deep ache through his body. "God, Sammy, why did you do that?"

She mumbled into his chest and he pulled her back, searching her face.

"What did you say?" He asked, cupping one of her cheeks.

She drew in an unsteady breath before she spoke again.

"Riley," she said.

Lee felt a tear fall from his eye and he shook it away, trying to hold her head still so she would focus on him.

"No, Sammy," he said, sniffing. "Sammy, she's gone. She's gone and this won't bring her back. It won't fix anything."

"Lee," Tool said, kneeling next to him with a blanket. "Come on. Let's wrap her up."

Lee hesitated, looking up at the guys around him. His eyes landed on Gunner, soaking wet and sad. He almost forgot that he was holding Sammy when he saw him. All of his anxiety and sadness and anger switched to pure white-hot rage. He handed Sammy off to Tool and stood, grabbing Gunner by the collar and dragging him down the hallway with all his strength.

"They were your pills!" He screamed, slamming Gunner up into the wall. He grunted, holding his hands out to the side in surrender.

"I didn't know that she-"

"They were your fucking pills!" Lee yelled again, slamming him into the wall harder this time. "You said you were getting fucking clean, Gunner!"

Barney grabbed Lee's shoulder but he pushed him off, throwing Gunner down to the floor.

"They were your pills," he said, falling on top of him and drawing his fist back.

Barney and Yang each grabbed one of Lee's arms and struggled to restrain him. He slipped away from them once and landed a nice solid hit to Gunner's nose, drawing blood.

Caesar stepped in and helped to hold Lee down while Toll pulled Gunner to his feet, dripping wet and freezing. The blood poured from his nose and he spit, looking down at his soiled shirt.

The three of them wrestled Lee to the floor and before he even realized it, he was crying. Tears were budding in his eyes and he was angry. So unbelievably angry. Angry at Gunner, angry at himself, and angry at Sammy.

Tool knelt in front of Lee and grabbed him by the chin.

"Hey," he said, "Mr. Christmas. You there?"

Lee tried to shake himself free but Tool's grip persisted. After a second Lee sighed and nodded, drawing in deep, desperate breaths.

"Good," Tool said, scanning his face. "Come to Sammy."

Lee felt a pit fall through him. The guys let him pull his arms away and he hurried after Tool to where Sammy was wrapped shuddering on the floor. He sat down next to her, looking over her face. Her lips were purple and chattering, her nose red and frozen.

He sighed. An image of Riley in her hospital bed flashed in front of his mind and he thought for a second that Sammy had looked just like her when he pulled her out of the shower. He tried to shake the image from his mind and collected her in his arms, pulling her into his lap.

"Sammy," he said, letting out a deep breath.

Sammy's eyes searched his and he could see that she was sad and full of sorrow. It was a deep, profound sorrow that he knew he would never understand exactly. He figured he had gotten pretty close when he had first laid eyes on her, eyes rolling back in her head and mouth hanging open under the water.

"Lee," she said, her voice hoarse. The acid in the vomit probably burned her throat.

He sighed. He never thought he would be so glad to hear his own name.

"Sammy," he said, dropping his forehead to hers. "Don't ever do that again. Ever."

Sammy swallowed and rolled over into Lee's chest. He could tell she was crying. He just held her, wishing he had never asked her to come, wishing she was still safe in her bed.

"I thought I lost you, Sammy," he said into her ear, rocking her gently back and forth in that way he did. She buried herself a little further against him, maybe upset, maybe embarrassed. He didn't care. He needed to see her face.

He pulled her away from him so that she was looking up at him and he found her eyes, soft and sad with a little flicker of life left somewhere deep inside them.

"Sammy, please," Lee said in a whisper. That please held the weight of the world in it. It was a plead not just for that moment, but for every moment before that and for every moment after. He was begging her for her life, for her, and she understood that. She shuddered in the blanket and nodded, her skin still cold and slick and clammy.

Lee pulled her back to his chest and sighed, burying his head in the crook of her neck. Barney told the guys to go wait downstairs to give them both some privacy and they did, each taking turns looking over Gunner's broken nose. He'd have a nice shiner in the morning.

"Hey, Lee," Barney said, kneeling in front of him.

Lee looked up at him, and Barney thought maybe that was the saddest he had ever seen him. He sighed.

"She alright?"

Lee nodded.

"Good. That's good," Barney said. "Her car is still here. Why don't you drive that back to the house?"

Lee nodded, trying to stand with Sammy in his arms.

"Go start the car," Barney said, taking Sammy. "Get it warm. She's freezing."

Lee nodded, hesitating only slightly before he hurried downstairs.

Barney pulled Sammy up into his arms, standing up and looking down at her. She covered her face with her hands.

"Kid," he said, and then again: "kid."

Sammy reluctantly pulled her hands away from her face and looked up at him.

"I know you're struggling right now," he said with a sigh. "I get it. I really, really do. Can you do me one favor?"

Sammy waited patiently for him to continue.

"Please," he said. "Please, choose life."

Sammy blinked a few times, looking up at him. He raised his eyebrows as he watched her, waiting.

Eventually she nodded.

"Good," he said. "Excellent. You got a good man taking care of you, you know that?"

Sammy nodded as she thought about Lee. She felt the guilt slam down on her and she frowned, her bottom lip quivering. Barney sighed.

"He'll be okay," he said. "He'll always be okay. But he'll be even better when you're better. And I don't know your sister at all, but from the stories I've heard, I think she'd want more from you, huh?"

Sammy nodded slowly. She felt like she was a child being talked to by a grown up. Maybe she was.

Lee returned and Barney put her down. She stood, holding onto Lee for support for a second.

"Can you walk?" He asked, worried.

Sammy nodded. She just had a headache and felt like she'd spilled the contents of her guts, which, technically, she did. Still, she leaned on him as they made their way down the stairs and to her car.

He helped her climb into the front seat and buckled her in while she let her head fall back, nauseous and dizzy. He went around the car to the drivers side, running his hands down his face.

"Lee," Sammy said as he closed the door behind him. He looked over to her.

"Yeah?"

"Up there," she said, looking to the folded visor above his head. "Can you open it?"

He reached up and pulled the visor down. Clipped against it was a picture of Riley, smiling and young and so different from the body he'd seen in the hospital. He took it from the visor and looked at it, at her smile, the same as Sammy's. He looked up to Sammy and held it out.

She took it and pulled it in to her chest, closing her eyes.

"She's okay," Lee said. Sammy nodded.

Riley didn't need her where she was. She was safe there. Sammy told Barney she chose life. She had the chance to choose life. Riley didn't.

They drove home in quiet, Sammy shivering despite the blasting heat. When they got back to her house he pulled into the driveway and she got out herself, still holding the picture to her chest. The air was heavy, humid, and warm, but she was still freezing.

"Let's warm you up," he said. "You have the key?"

Sammy looked up at him, eyes wide.

"It's in my bag," she said.

"Where's your bag?" He asked.

"At Tool's."

Lee sighed, looking down at the screen door he had fixed. So much for locks.

He jiggled the handle a bit before he slammed into it, breaking the lock with a snap. Sammy watched on with wide eyes, guilty. Lee looked back at Sammy and after a second, he started to laugh.

"What's so funny?" She asked, confused. "Lee?"

He pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head.

"This door starting everything," he said, his laughter dying down. "We wouldn't be here if I didn't come back to fix it."

Sammy chuckled a little.

"But now it's broken again," she said.

"Yeah, I'll just have to fix it again, won't I?" He said. "Come on. Let's go inside."

Sammy followed him in, still holding the blanket from Tool's around her and clinging to the photo of Riley.

"What can I do?" Lee asked, rubbing his hands up and down her arms.

"I just wanna take a hot shower," she said numbly, placing the photo carefully down on the counter.

He nodded. "I'll start it."

She watched him hurry off to the bathroom and turned her attention back to the rest of her house. It was clean, a bit lived in, and relatively cozy. There wasn't much to it. She thought maybe she would pull out some of the portraits she made of Riley and frame them to hang up on the bare walls.

"I can run a towel in the dryer for you," Lee said, brushing some hair behind her ear and taking her by surprise. She nodded.

"The water is ready whenever you are," he said, leaning down so that his nose was against the top of her head. He breathed her in. She closed her eyes as she felt him and let out a loose sigh.

"Thank you," she said.

"Hey," he said, raising an eyebrow. "What'd I say about that?"

Sammy felt a smile grow on her cheeks.

"You said to stop saying it," she said.

He smiled back.

She stood up on her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek before turning towards the shower. He watched her go.

He hadn't been close to her for that long, but he couldn't remember a time when he didn't have her. He didn't want to.

—-

He heard the shower turn off and hurried to pull the towel from the dryer. It was nice and warm. Hopefully she had stopped shivering under the boiling hot water that was letting steam drift into the hallway.

"Sammy," he said, waiting at the door. "Towel."

She reached her arm out and he placed it in her hand, smiling to himself as she blindly groped the wall as she found it. He leaned back against the wall. It was dark again, the moon rising in the sky above her house. Maybe he could take some time off- Barney would probably understand. He would understand. Lee figured he could take her out, let her show him the sights he'd never seen, and then take her places he liked to visit when he was in the mood for something different. A good spot for fishing, a nice place to sit and drink beer. The bathroom door opened and he was slapped in the face with all of the hot steam.

"Damn," Lee said, squinting. "It's a sauna in there."

"It's toasty," Sammy said, looking up at him with the towel wrapped under her arms. "I feel better."

He looked over her. She looked better. She had a bit more color in her face, her eyes were less glassy, and she looked a bit more pulled together overall.

"Toasty," he repeated, tasting the word. "I'm sweating."

Sammy rolled her eyes and headed into her bedroom. Lee rested in the doorway, his hands tucked into his pockets. She looked up at him.

"Is this just a thing you do?" She asked.

"What?" He asked, glancing around.

"Lean in doorways while people change?"

Lee made a face and she laughed.

"If you want me out, say the word, and poof, I'll end up right next door."

It was Sammy's turn to make a face. Lee chuckled.

"Don't say that. I don't want you out."

Lee smiled as she pulled out some clothes.

"I'll go get changed and come back. Hows that sound?"

"Better than you standing there eyeing me up while I change," she mumbled.

Lee smiled and shook his head.

"You're something else," he said, turning to leave.

Sammy glanced up and smiled as he did. She was pretty sure neither of them had a single damn clue what was happening with this thing they had going on, but she didn't want it to change. It didn't feel wrong, and in that moment in that chapter of her life, she needed that.

She changed quickly and draped the towel over the edge of the bed, hurrying out to the kitchen to get the picture of Riley. She looked over it, tears biting at her eyes, and sighed.

"I hope wherever you are you're seeing how crazy things are right now," she whispered, tracing her fingers along Rileys smile. "I swear I was gonna tell you all about it. I was. Everything at Rico's, everything with Lee... You'd like him, I think."

Lee was standing in the hallway listening. He had walked in quietly because the lock on the door was broken again and it didn't make any noise when he slid by it. He swallowed, wondering if he should interrupt.

"You'd probably love Tool. He's a character," she said.

Lee slid up beside her and placed his hand on the small of her back, pulling her towards him. He looked down at the picture and sighed.

"Talking to her?" He asked.

She nodded. "I think it makes me feel better."

"Good," he said, gently stroking her back through her shirt. "Then keep going."

"I don't know what else to say," she said, hesitating. "You say something."

Lee raised his eyebrows. "Me?"

"Yeah," Sammy said, smirking. "She'd get a kick out of it."

Lee sighed and shifted slightly, looking over the picture for a moment.

"Hi, Riley," he said. "I'm Lee, and I feel kind of dumb right now."

Sammy rolled her eyes and nudged him, placing the picture down. She hurried around the island and pulled open a drawer filled with dusty little things she hadn't touched in years. She pulled out a battery powered tea candle and turned it on, smiling when it flickered and lit up. She put it down over the picture.

"We used to light candles for my grandmother," she said. "I don't know if it means anything."

"I'm sure it means something to her," he said, crossing his arms. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

Sammy nodded and moved to his side. Lee flicked off the lights for the kitchen as they entered the hallway, the steam still spilling from the bathroom.

Lee was laying flat on his back looking up at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Sammy was laying in a little ball, the blankets pulled up to her nose. He didn't know if she was asleep or not, but he realized that he was afraid to close his eyes. He kept seeing her face as it was in the shower, pale and lifeless, and it would make him jump. He would feel that sudden pang of dread and disillusion all over again. He knew that Sammy didn't have the option to run from it, but Lee did. He cleared his throat.

"Sammy?"

"Yeah?" She asked.

"Can you..." he tried, letting out a breath. "Can you make me a promise?"

She turned herself over and looked up at him, her eyes just visible over the blanket. She nodded.

"Please don't ever do that again," he said. "Please."

She nodded, blinking a few times to try and get control of her tears. She pulled herself up from under the blanket and searched his face. His eyes were watery and bounced around the ceiling.

"I promise," she said.

"Good," he said, nodding. "Good. That's good."

She frowned. "Lee," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Lee looked over at her and nodded. "I know."

"I-" she started, biting her lip. "I wasn't..."

"Sh," he said, shaking his head. "Don't. Just please..."

"I know."

He turned over and buried his head in the crook of her neck, knocking her down to her back. He was half over her, one arm draped over her chest and clasped behind her shoulders. He breathed her in, felt her pulse against his skin. He needed to feel it if he was going to get any sleep.

She wrapped her arms around him and sighed, gently stroking his neck, her fingernails trailing into the fuzz of his hair.

"I promise," she said again, leaning into him. "I promise."

He nodded, holding onto her like the act of letting go would send her away forever. He just wanted to feel her there next to him. It was too close today. That near-death look she had flashed before him again and he held her a little tighter, his body tensing.

"I'm here," she said lightly, tracing patterns on his back. "I'm still here."

She was surprised when he had fallen asleep first. She felt horrible about everything- he did so much for her, took care of her, and she repaid him for all of that by trying to overdose on her bosses bathroom floor. What an ass.

She knew, though, that she had hit rock bottom. This was it. There nowhere to go but up. Everywhere she looked, she was looking towards the sky.

This was the world without Riley in it. But that world still had Sammy in it, and it still had Lee.

They fell asleep that night like that, the complete opposite of what they were used to. Usually they wouldn't touch until the night fell and darkness was there cover, and usually Lee would be holding Sammy. But that night was different. Lee needed to feel her there, to hear her and listen to her heartbeat and know she was alive, she had survived, she made it. Sammy didn't mind. She held him like that the whole night.