The only thing I'm going to say before you read is...just trust me. Can't always be rainbows and butterflies. Okay. Read on. I promise to update quick after this.
When they got back from the honeymoon, there was a bittersweet feeling between them both. They had loved being able to spend so much time together uninterrupted. But the thought of their children, of their future ahead of them pulled them home. Promises of nights and trips alone when they could was enough to leave paradise. Now a week later, they were back at work and back to the reality of the nitty gritty New York world.
Tomorrow was Father's Day and with the kids, she had planned an eventful day for Elliot. One she hoped he enjoyed because he deserved it more than anyone. Elliot was off with Munch driving home a victim. She was sitting at her desk shuffling through evidence when Cragen and Fin came back into the squad room.
"Man I'm glad you're back. Now that we're partners, I don't want to change again. I forgot how infuriating Munch was." He said with a groan.
Olivia laughed, "He means well."
"Yeah well...no more week long trips okay?" He said with a smirk, "Although, I suppose I'll have to give you up when you inevitably go on maternity leave. Just promise to come back. Okay?"
She smiled softly at him, "I'd never be able to stay away forever Fin. I'll always come back."
Fin smiled and tapped the top of her desk, "When do you think you'll have the baby?"
Olivia laughed again, "Can't really pin a time down Fin. Sorry."
"But it's part of the plan, right?" He asked curiously.
Olivia rolled her eyes, "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about my sex life."
Fin shuddered, "Oh come on, I was just asking about a baby. Did you have to go there?"
Olvia shrugged her shoulders, "You do understand where babies come from. Correct?"
Fin rolled his eyes and huffed, "Yes. I got that lesson when Ken appeared. Thank you very much."
"Just checking." She stood up and began to reach for more files, "But to answer your question, yes we would like to have more kids. When the time is right."
As she spoke she felt a cramp in her side and frowned. Telling Fin she needed to grab something in her locker, she walked towards the locker room and slipped into the bathroom. When she realized what the quick pain had been she sighed. So much for a honeymoon baby…
It seemed irrational in a way to feel disappointed. She knew these things took time. She had been on the pill for quite some time and assumed it needed to run its course. Of course the amount of sex they had had in Hawaii did make her wonder if something would happen. Grabbing what she needed from her locker and cleaning up, she heard the door open.
When she came out to the main strip of lockers she was surprised to see Elliot by his locker, unbuttoning his shirt. When he turned her heart dropped to her stomach. He was covered in bright red blood. "El what-"
"I'm fine." He said with a little laugh, "Blood's not mine. John was goofing off and walked right into a utility pole. Busted his nose."
With a sigh of relief she couldn't help but laugh, "Is he okay?"
"Not broken. But he's gonna have a shiner tomorrow and be pretty damn bruised." He sighed and reached for a new shirt, "Serves him right though. He was in full rant mode about the CIA for the millionth time."
She chuckled and went to sit on the bench beside him. "Hm. Sorry about that."
He gave her a little wink as he tugged on a new shirt, "It's okay. More than worth it being married to you."
She smiled softly, but something in her expression worried him. Her smile didn't radiate like it usually did. Now she was chewing her lip and her eyes were glazed over, a sure fire sign she was upset. Wondering what had happened since he left an hour ago, he swung his leg over the bench and scooted towards her. When she didn't react right away, he knocked his knee against her thigh. "Hey." She looked up at him expectantly, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." She shrugged but her eyes shifted from his and she heard him inhale sharpy, "El nothing. I'm just tired."
She went to get up but he grasped her hand and tugged her back down, "Tell me."
"There's nothing to tell." Her heart started pounding and she was feeling more and more stupid by the second, damn hormones.
"Liv. I know you better than anyone else on the damn planet. You're upset about something so spill it." He proclaimed.
"It's stupid." Tears formed in her eyes and she batted them away. "It's really nothing."
"It's something." He whispered and moved to rest his chin on her shoulder, "Baby...talk to me."
Him and his stupid pet names...that one word specefically made the tears fall harder, "Elliot…"
He felt her tense and he rolled his eyes, "Liv…"
She looked at him and sighed, "Just...don't call me that. Not here."
He frowned, "I thought we talked about this? I can't help it. Just slips out. You're mad?"
"No. I'm not mad. Just want to keep things professional. We're still being watched El. I don't want to lose my job." She tried to get up again but his legs trapped her in her spot, "Elliot."
Her tone was a warning but he ignored it, "This isn't about what I just called you. You were upset before that. Don't try and deflect."
"I'm not!" Her response came out louder than intended and she cringed, "I'm not trying to deflect anything."
He huffed and tried to rack his brain to come up with something that would have set her off. Nothing came to mind though. She sat there still as a stone and his eyes wandered around the locker room. His eyes fell on her locker and saw that it was still open. Glancing inside, he was looking for clues as the good Detective that he was. And that's when he noticed it. An open box of tampons. "Liv…"
The tone of his voice was softer and she followed his gaze. Standing up, he didn't try and pull her back this time. She slammed the locker shut and turned towards him, "Don't try and read me like a fucking perp."
"I'm not." He said shaking his head, "But you weren't talking and I have two eyes so…"
She growled and started to walk past him, "Whatever."
His hand shot out and he grabbed her arm, maybe a little harder then he meant to but she stopped, "Don't just walk away."
She tugged her arm from his grasp, "El, I know that they say married people should share everything but I don't think we need to discuss whether or not I got my period. Leave a little to the imagination, keep the romance alive."
He smiled realizing she was trying to lighten the mood, "Liv…"
He heard her sigh and then finally, she turned back to him, "It's stupid."
"It's not stupid." He replied, "It's okay to feel disappointed."
Crossing her arms over her chest she leaned against the back of the lockers, "I just...I mean it's ridiculously early. We've only been married for two weeks. I know all that. I do. But...it would have been nice."
"Yeah. It would have." He said with a shrug, then stood up and walked over to her, "And it still will be when it happens for real."
She chewed her lip softly and she touched his chest, "But...what if it doesn't happen?"
Elliot shook his head, "Liv, like you said, it's only been two weeks since you went off the pill. It could take some time but it's going to happen. I know it will."
"You can't see the future Elliot." She said with a little pout, "What...what if I can't have kids of my own?" She cringed, "I mean...the kids are...I just meant-"
"I know what you meant." He said silencing her with a kiss, "It's okay. Take a deep breath."
She growled and covered her face with her hand, "Fucking hormones have me thinking like a crazy person."
"No." He said taking her hand away from her face, "Liv, it's alright. Being disappointed tells me you really do want this."
She reached for him again and she nodded, "I do El. I don't think I realized how badly I did until…" She laughed, "I guess I figured with the amount of sex we had on our honeymoon...it would give us a good shot."
He smirked and leaned forward to capture her lips with his, "Well then I'll just have to keep ravishing you whenever I get the chance." When she laughed again he knew she was feeling better. Pulling her against his chest he kissed the side of her face, "You're going to get pregnant Liv. I know it. When the time is right...it'll happen."
She let him hold her a little longer before she finally pulled back, "Okay."
He pressed a soft kiss to her nose and then smiled, "And in the meantime...we have four kids who will run us ragged and make us second guess adding a fifth to the chaos."
She laughed again and tucked herself under his arm as they walked towards the door, "Between work and the kids...we'll never sleep again. Let alone find time to conceive the damn kid."
"Oh we'll find time for that." He said, reaching behind her and squeezing her ass making her laugh again, "I'll always find time for that."
The following morning, Elliot woke up and rolled over in bed. He stretched out, expecting to find Olivia beside him. Instead he found the sheets cold and he frowned, pulling himself up, he stretched his arms over his head. Just as his feet hit the floor below him, he heard the pitter patter of feet. Smiling, he saw two heads poke in, "He's awake!" Richie yelled.
He couldn't help but laugh when Lizzie nudged him, "Not so loud! Remember we're supposed to not drive him crazy today."
"Right. Sorry." He turned towards the hallway and said in what was really not a softer voice but if his son thought so, it would have to do, "He's awake."
Maureen appeared behind the twins and pushed the door open, "Happy Father's Day!"
Elliot smiled at the three of them and yawned, "Thank you. Where's Liv?"
"She's downstairs." Maureen said as the twins ran off without them, "Lizzie and Richie have been up since 5 and she wanted you to sleep in."
Elliot walked towards her and she instantly hugged him, "Okay."
Maureen turned towards the door, "You can come down now though. Seeing as Richie spilled Mom's coffee all over the bed on Mother's Day...we thought we'd skip that ritual and opt for breakfast at the kitchen table."
He smirked and ruffled her hair, "Sounds good. I'll be right there."
Maureen kissed his cheek and then walked out of the room letting him have some privacy. After using the bathroom and freshening up, he tugged on a new tshirt and walked back out of his room. He heard the kids talking excitedly and he heard Olivia trying to tell them to calm down but he heard laughter in her voice too. His heart soared at the sound. While he was disappointed that Olivia wasn't pregnant, he knew it was only a matter of time. He truly believed that that would happen for them and he couldn't wait until it did. Until then, he'd enjoy the family he already had.
When he stepped into the kitchen, he smiled as the kids all stood in front of a large banner they had made themselves to commemorate the occasion. Olivia was plating breakfast and Maureen rushed over to help her. Kathleen walked up to him and hugged him tight as Richie and Lizzie fussed around the table trying to get him to sit down. When he sat down at the table, Richie instantly crawled into his lap. Olivia walked around him, her hand trailing along his shoulders and neck.
Tilting his head back, she offered him a quick kiss, "Happy Father's Day."
"Thank you." He said covering her hand with his on his shoulder.
"We made pancakes." Richie said, bouncing in his seat, "Mom let me crack the eggs and this time...I didn't get any shells in there!"
Elliot chuckled and looked at the plate stacked high with pancakes in front of him, "Nice bud!"
"Can we do presents now?" The excited boy asked, "Please?"
"Your Dad might want to eat first." Olivia said, settling in beside them, "But you can ask him."
Elliot felt his stomach rumble and he smiled, "Let me have a pancake or two and then we can do gifts okay? I didn't eat much last night at work."
"Okay." The boy said with a huff, "But eat quickly!"
As they settled in around the table, passing around different dishes Elliot's left hand settled on Olivia's knee for a moment. She squeezed it and gave him a wink before helping Lizzie with her breakfast. When he had finished two pancakes and some bacon, Richie declared that was enough. Laughing, Elliot let his son take over and a stack of cards as handed to him. Making sure to clean his hands off with the napkin as best he could, he started to read all the handmade cards. Lizzie's was last and she had drawn a picture of the six of them. He however noticed that Olivia had something in his arms and he frowned.
"That's the new baby." Lizzie said quickly, "Auntie Alex said it will probably be here soon."
Elliot shot a look over at Olivia who looked frozen in her spot. It passed quickly though and she reached for her juice, ignoring the comment all together. Not wanting to bring up a sensitive subject, he thanked his daughter and reached for the card from his wife. Reading her sentiments inside the card made him reach for her again. This time she threaded her fingers through his and squeezed tight and he knew despite what Lizzie had said, she was still with him.
He opened a few small gifts from the kids, and the last one was a new Yankees hat, "Alright!" He said with a smile, "I needed a new one. This is great."
"And you can wear it today." Maureen said excitedly, "We're going to the game!"
Elliot looked at his wife for confirmation, "What?"
She shrugged, "James's brother works at the stadium. He helped me get some tickets right behind home plate. We need to leave by 11 to get there on time."
Elliot laughed and tugged on his new hat, "Seriously?"
"I can't wait!" Richie said excitedly, "That's why I wanted you to open your presents! It's going to be so fun!"
Elliot ruffled his hair and leaned out to kiss his wife, "Liv that must have cost-"
"Don't worry about it." She said shaking her head, "We all agreed that you more than deserved an extra special Father's Day. Besides...it helps to know people." She winked, "If you'd rather take a friend and the kids I can-"
Elliot frowned and grabbed her hand tight in his, "No way. You're coming. Nice try getting out of it though."
She chuckled and shook her head, "El...I wasn't trying to get out of it. Just making sure that you didn't want-"
"I want you. And my kids. That's it." He said with a shake of his head, "No matter where we go. That's all I want."
Her face softened and she felt overwhelmed with emotion, still slightly upset about the day before. She so wanted to have a baby with this wonderful man. And she would...one way or another she would.
"Okay." She nodded towards the table, "Everyone eat some more then we should start getting ready. It's already past 9."
When they got to the Stadium, the kids were looking in all directions. It was the twins first time at a game and it had been a long time since Elliot had brought Maureen and Kathleen. Olivia had been to a few games in her college years but it was the first time with Elliot and the kids. Pulling her towards him as they walked, he slipped his hand into her back pocket.
"Those jeans look amazing on you." He growled into her ear.
She laughed and elbowed him back, "Paws off Stabler."
He sighed and moved his hand to wrap around her shoulders, "Don't look so damn good if you don't want me to grab you."
She smirked and kissed his cheek, "You're ridiculous."
"But you married me...so what does that make you?" He said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
Turning her head towards him she smiled softly, hoping he heard exactly what she was trying to say, "Lucky."
The shift in her tone made him smile and he pressed a kiss to her lips, "I love you."
Winking, she pulled away to follow the kids, "Love you back. Now come on."
The game had been a roaring success for all, the Yankee's had won and Richie got a foul ball. Deciding to stop for dinner, they were walking down the street together. Lizzie was holding Olivia's hand and the girls were walking ahead of them. Richie was up on his Dad's shoulders as they walked. When they got to the restaurant, they got a deck seat and were settling in to pick their items.
Lizzie turned to Olivia, "Mom?"
"Yeah?" She asked, reaching for her, "What do you think you're going to get?"
"Where do babies come from?" She asked curiously.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Elliot started to choke on his beer. Olivia reached out and started to slam his back to get him to breathe. The older girls were laughing because they had already had this conversation with their Dad. Olivia on the other hand felt like she was starting to sweat. Not only had she not ever had this conversation with the kids, she also didn't particularly want to talk about babies today of all days.
"Um…" She felt her cheeks blushing and she chewed on her lip, "Well…"
Elliot coughed some more before asking, "Where did that come from?"
Lizzie shrugged, "I was thinking about Mommy having a baby...and I want to know how they get in there." She said pointing at Olivia's stomach.
Instinctively, she put her hand over her belly, "Oh."
Elliot reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, "You know Lizzie...I'm not sure this is the right-" Olivia looked at him and Lizzie just stared at them both, "Uh…" He sighed and looked back at her, "Well honey when two people really love each other…"
"Like you and Mommy." She said with a big smile.
Elliot nodded and took Olivia's hand, "Like me and Mommy...they uh...well they…express their love in a certain way. And...when that happens a baby is made. And after 9 months or so...the baby is born."
Lizzie was quiet for a moment, "I don't get it."
Elliot cleared his throat and leaned closer to her, "They uh...kiss and...stuff." He growled at the older girls who were giggling like crazy, "But nothing you need to worry about right now."
"Well you kiss Mommy all the time." She said with a shrug, "So we'll have a new baby in no time!"
Olivia shifted and hit her knee on the underside of the table, "Ow."
Reaching for her leg, Elliot squeezed gently to soothe her, "We'll have to wait and see." He smiled and then pointed at her menu, "What do you want to eat kiddo? We'll order soon."
Turning to Olivia she had reached for her water and was avoiding his gaze. He squeezed her leg again and she offered him a quick smile before turning to talk to Richie about something else. Sighing, he hoped that whatever anxiety she was feeling about all of this would be gone soon.
In Mid August, summer was beginning to wind down and they had slipped off to Maine for a long weekend before school started again. They had rented a house from a coworker at the Precinct and were already talking about coming back in the future. It was right on the beach and had plenty of room for all of them. One morning, Elliot had gone downstairs to get the kids ready for their day while Olivia took a shower. When he went back upstairs to take his own shower and saw Olivia coming out of the bathroom.
It was clear she had been crying and he sighed knowing what she was going to say before it even came out of her mouth, "Liv…"
"I don't want to talk about it." She said brushing past him and reaching for her bag.
When she went back into the bathroom, she slammed the door shut and he heard the lock slide into place letting him know she was serious. Sighing, he sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to think of something to say that wouldn't upset her further. Another month not pregnant and while rationally he knew it was still early, her anxiety was causing him to worry too. He could clearly hear her crying in the bathroom and he braced himself for a difficult conversation. When she came out, she tossed her bag on the floor and went to walk away but he called out to her.
She paused in the doorway and said, "El...I said I don't want to talk about it."
"Ignoring it isn't going to make it better." He answered, "I think we need to talk about this. Really talk about this."
She closed the odor behind her again and shrugged, "What's there to talk about? I'm not pregnant. Again."
"Olivia...it's only been three months." He said softly, "It's still-"
"I went to the Doctor." She saw the confusion on his face, "A few days before we came up here. I went to see my…" Pausing, she frowned, "We had a long conversation. She ran some tests…"
Elliot stood up slowly and walked towards her, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It was a last minute decision and you were swamped with the Carson trial." She shook her head, "I just...I didn't think-"
"Well did she tell you anything? Are you okay?" He asked suddenly, full of concern for her.
"She said...things looked normal enough. But that sometimes being on birth control as long as I had been can...cause some issues." She grimaced, "So basically it's my fault."
"Olivia. Jesus." He reached for her quickly, "Nothing is your fault. Millions of women take birth control and how do you know it's not me?"
She huffed and pushed past him again, her next words dripping with pain and frustration, "Didn't seem to be a problem knocking up Kathy."
"Hey." His hand shot out to her and he gripped her forearm, "That's not fair."
Sighing, she knew deep down he was right, "Why am I so fucking jealous of a woman that's not even around anymore?"
"Olivia." He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind, needing her to hear him and understand that she was the only woman in his life. "You are my wife. My soulmate. We're going to have it all. Kathy doesn't matter."
"She didn't take birth control." She said with a frown, "I know she didn't. You didn't believe in it. Are you mad at me that I-"
"No. Of course not." He sighed, "We were kids when we...neither one of us knew anything about it. And to be honest...we probably should have gone on it. But then we didn't and Kathleen was born...and Lord knows we should have been on it before the twins. Especially since she didn't want more kids. But it happened and it is what it is. I don't regret it because I got four incredible kids from it."
"See? It wasn't you." She whispered softly, her heart breaking as she did, "You've had them before...it's me. There has to be something wrong with me."
"There is nothing wrong with you. It's going to happen. I know it will. It just...hasn't been that long. I'm sure your Doctor said that too." He whispered.
She frowned and nodded, "She said we shouldn't worry until it's been at least six months. But I can't help it. Something feels wrong. I don't know what it is...it's just this nagging feeling in my gut."
Cradling her face in his hands he spoke as gently as he could, "And my gut tells me that we will have a baby. I know we will."
She took a deep breath, still unable to let it go. "But El what if there is something wrong and-"
He silenced her with a kiss, "If...then we will deal with it. Together."
She sighed and leaned into him, "I'm sor-"
"Don't even finish that sentence." He said holding her close, "You and I are a team. And we're doing this together. I want you to talk to me. I want you to work through things with me. That's what I have asked you to do. Just talk to me. Okay?"
"Yeah. Okay." She kissed him again, "I love you."
"I love you too." He said with a smile, "Come on...we've got a few days to relax up here. It will do us both some good."
Taking his hand, they walked together out of the bedroom and downstairs to be with their children and to be distracted for just a little while.
The days flew by and soon it was their last day of their trip. When they got back to the city, there would only be a few days before school started. Olivia and Elliot were standing on the porch watching the girls playing in the shallows of the water. Lizzie and Richie were both off to the side, not playing.
Placing her coffee down, she nudged Elliot and looked at the twins. "I think we have two freaked out soon to be Kindergarteners."
Elliot nodded, "Let's go talk to them."
Walking together, they sat on either side of the twins. Lizzie looked over at Olivia and immediately crawled into her lap. Elliot knocked his knee against his son. Richie looked at his Dad and pouted, "Do we have to go home?"
Elliot smiled and pulled him closer, "We do buddy. It's great up here...but don't you miss the house and your friends?"
Richie shrugged, "This is a nice house and I saw some other kids down the street. I can make new friends." He paused and then looked at his Dad, "Do they have Kindergarten here too?"
Elliot chuckled and looked over at Olivia who was rocking Lizzie slightly, "Uh yeah...no matter where you go there will be Kindergarten."
Richie frowned and kicked the sand, "That's stupid."
"Hey." He said reaching for his son, "You know I don't like that word. And for the record...Kindergarten is awesome."
"Sorry." He whispered softly and then leaned against Olivia and Lizzie.
Olivia looked back at her husband, "What seems scary about it buddy? Maybe we can help you feel better about it if we know what you're thinking."
Richie shrugged, "It's a really big school. We could get lost."
"You'll always be with a teacher or some of your friends. There are always people around to help." Olivia answered. "And Kathleen will still be at the same school. You'll see her."
Lizzie looked up, "What...what if we don't make any friends?"
"You are going to make so many friends." Olivia said, whispering into her hair. "Who doesn't love the Stabler twins?"
"And you'll be together." Elliot said to them, "Remember? We talked to the teacher about how you'll be in the same class. You two are lucky. You already have a built in best friend."
Richie looked over at his sister and they both smiled. They were quiet for a minute, both thinking hard. Olivia held them close and Elliot watched them, waiting for them to say something but also admiring the scene in front of him. It was moments like these when he had to pinch himself to remind himself that this...this was real. She was real.
Richie looked back at his Mom, "Kathleen says that they have really good pizza in the cafeteria. Can we order it sometimes?"
Olivia laughed and squeezed him tighter, "Always food with you." He laughed and she kissed his head, "But yes. You can order the pizza sometimes."
Richie sighed and shrugged, "Alright...then I'll go."
Elliot smiled and looked at his daugher, "What about you kiddo?"
Lizzie looked up at her Mom, "What do I do when I get really scared?"
"Maybe…" Olivia whispered, "We can put your favorite stuffed animal or something that makes you happy in your backpack. And when you are feeling a little worried...you can take a minute to hold it. Then you'll remember that you're okay...and when the school day is over you'll be going back home." Lizzie smiled and she touched her little cheek, "How does that sound?"
Lizzie smiled, "I like that idea." Taking a deep breath she paused, "I'll go too."
"Good." Elliot said, giving her shoulder a squeeze, "But...we still have some time before your first day. So...let's enjoy it. Okay?"
Lizzie smiled at her Dad, "Okay." She paused for a moment, "What should we do?"
Elliot smirked at her, "Hm…"
Richie scooted back, "I know that look…"
"Oh no!" Lizzie said scrambling to get off of Olivai's lap, "He's going to attack!"
Elliot growled and Richie took off running after his sister. Olivia started laughing when Elliot crawled towards them and all four kids took off down the beach. She watched from afar for a while, laughing as Elliot tackled the kids one by one. But when they all turned to her, she froze and the smile faded from her face. Elliot whispered something to the kids and she pulled herself up off the sandy beach, "Oh no…" She said shaking her head, "No...no...no."
Thekids ran first and Elliot was hot on their heels. She screamed playfully and tried to get but Elliot caught up to her first. Grabbing her from behind, he swung her around and she was laughing as the kids reached for her. When they tumbled towards the water the kids jumped in fully clothed and their parents followed suit. Lots of changes were ahead of them but as they jumped and splashed in the water, they all knew they would be okay.
On the first day of school, there had been plenty of tears from the twins. It took a lot of coaxing and promises of being there before the day was even over to get them to get the kids in the car. After making sure Kathleen was all set and ready to meet her teacher, they focussed their attention on the twins. They were to meet their teacher outside in front of the school. Lizzie's arms were wrapped tightly around her Dad's leg and Richie was squeezing Olivia's hand tight.
"It looks bigger." Lizzie mumbled against Elliot's leg.
Elliot looked around as other kids and their families shuffled around them to find their own teachers, "Yeah...I know. It's big. But before you know it, it will be easy for you to navigate. You'll be walking around the place like you own it."
Lizzie sniffled, "Daddy don't make me go…"
Elliot sighed and untangled her hand from his leg, her little hand clung to his and he bent at the knees to be beside her. "Hey...look at me kiddo."
Lizzie's lip trembled as she looked at him, "Can't you come with us? Just today?"
Elliot looked up at Olivia who had a soft little smile on her face. Richie rested his head against Olivia's arm and Elliot knew he was crying too. Reaching out, he pushed back Lizzie's curls and smiled, "No honey. You need to go in alone. But you'll be with Richie the whole day. You stay together. The day will fly by and Mom and I will be here to get you before you know it."
She started to cry harder and fell against him, "Please, please don't make me go."
Elliot's heart cracked in two and he squeezed her, "Lizzie...honey would I ever let you do something that wasn't safe?"
She was hesitant for a moment but shook her head, "No…"
"You are going to love school. You love to read and they'll teach you how! You'll write stories and do art. Go to music class and gym. It's going to be so much fun. I know you're scared…" He tugged her away from him but he smiled, "But you are so brave...you always have been. You can do this. You can do anything."
Lizzie sniffled and looked back at her Mom for reassurance, "You think so too?"
Olivia touched the top of her head and smiled, "Of course. You are ready honey. I know you are."
Lizzie fidgeted slightly then sighed, "And...and you put my teddy bear in my bag? Just in case?"
Olivia smiled and ruffled her hair, "He's there baby. You can get him anytime."
Lizzie looked back at her Dad, "And you'll be right here when school is done?"
"Right there." Elliot said pointing at the ground, "We'll even go get ice cream after to celebrate, okay?"
Lizzie smiled slowly and then nodded her head. "Okay."
He smiled and kissed her cheek, "Okay. You ready?"
Lizzie nodded and took his hand again as he stood up and they started to walk. Richie was dragging behind Olivia. Elliot turned to look at her and she smiled, telling him they would be right behind him. When she knelt down in front of the small boy, his eyes were red and she knew he was embarrassed. Like his Father, he liked to act tough. Especially around Lizzie. He wanted to prove he was the stronger of the two. He had adamantly refused to put anything in his bag as a comfort like Lizzie had.
Olivia smiled at him and kissed his nose, "Hey little man."
Richie took a deep breath, "Mommy I...I think maybe I'll just come back tomorrow."
Olivia smiled and caressed his cheek, "Hm...you'd make Lizzie go all by herself?"
Richie sighed and shook his head, "No…" He started gnawing on his lower lip and then he said, "I should have put…"
"Your blanket is at the bottom of your bag." She whispered to him, knowing in his head he was regretting being so stubborn.
Richie's face softened and he smiled, "It is?"
"Of course it is. No one has to know it's even there honey. But when and if you need it...just go in your bag and give it a quick squeeze. Alright?" She whispered.
Richie sighed and wrapped his little arms around her shoulders, "I'm really glad you're my Mommy."
Olivia smiled, her heart squeezing in her chest and she held him back, kissing the side of his face, "I'm the luckiest Mom in the world baby. Dad and I will be right here when the day is over. Okay?"
Richie nodded and held her close for another moment before he pulled away and took her hand, "Okay."
Hand in hand, they walked back towards Elliot and Lizzie who were waiting to meet the teacher. Elliot gave her a questioning look and she smiled letting him know everything was okay. Once they were in line with the rest of their class and walking towards the school, Elliot wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulder and smiled. Both the twins turned and waved, giving them a little smile to let them know they were okay.
Elliot smiled and kissed the top of Olivia's head, "And off they go…"
She sighed and wrapped an arm around his waist, "And off they go…"
They awaited until they couldn't see them any longer and then started to walk back towards their car. "You know Cragen gave us a little extra time this morning. Neither of us really ate anything because we were so busy focusing on the kids. Want to grab a bite to eat?"
"A breakfast date?" She asked with a smile as she slipped her hand into his.
Elliot smiled and squeezed her hand in his, "A breakfast date."
"I'd love it." She pointed down the road, "There's a place up the street. Want to walk? It's nice out."
"Sounds good." He said moving his hand to wrap his arm around her and kiss her cheek. "Let me just grab my wallet." When he opened the car door he sighed, "Crap. Kathleen forgot her lunch."
Olivia smiled, "I'll bring it to her."
Ellito shook his head, "No it's okay. I'll run it to the office. Kathleen will kill us if we show up in her actual classroom." He said with a laugh, "She's all grown up now."
Olivia smiled and watched him start to walk away, "Okay. I'll be here."
He gave her a wink and took off towards the school leaving her alone. She checked her phone to see if there were any messages from work to ensure they did have the time for breakfast. She saw nothing but started to scroll through the photos they had taken of the kids this morning to mark the first day of school. Her heart squeezed thinking about how grown up all four of them looked. She wanted time to slow down. And...she wanted another child to share these milestones with.
Pushing the thought aside, she looked up when she saw a shadow near her thinking maybe it was Elliot. Instead, it was Kate. The very woman that had rubbed her the wrong way that night at the end of the year event at the school, just a week before the wedding. She hadn't seen this woman since, and she had never said anything to Elliot about her, not seeing the point.
Kate smiled and pushed her sunglasses on top of her head, "Summer went fast, huh?"
"It did." Olivia said, slipping her phone in her pocket, "It always does."
"Did the twins get to Kindergarten okay? That first day is always hard...I dread it next year with my youngest." She said with a sigh.
Olivia watched her carefully then nodded, "They have each other. They'll be fine."
Kate smiled and glanced around, "Elliot didn't come?"
At the mention of her husband's name, she stood up a little straighter. Jealousy as usual pulling at her heart strings and forming a ball of irritation in her stomach. "He came. He wouldn't have missed this. Kathleen forgot her lunch so he brought it inside."
"Father of the year." She said with a quirk of her eyebrow and an annoying smirk on her face.
Olivia leaned against the car behind her, "He's a wonderful Father."
"And you must be a wonderful Mother. I mean you're a step up from Kathy…" She said with a shrug, "At least you're here."
"I am here." Olivia snapped back, "And I'm not going anywhere."
Kate's smile turned into a little smirk, "Hm…" Pointing towards her car she shrugged, "I have to get to work. Sorry I missed Elliot. Tell him Kate said hi, will you?"
Olivia didn't respond and didn't feel the need to. Kate read through the lines and continued to walk towards her car. Watching her walk away, she felt that familiar insecurity bubble up in her. The very thing she had felt for years before Elliot was hers. Even now, she loved him so damn much that the thought of another woman even looking at him, thinking about him hurt. She knew she couldn't keep others from looking, from being interested. But she could make sure that Elliot knew how much she wanted him, that he was happy so he had no reason to look elsewhere.
She was so lost in thought, she hadn't heard him return. But when his hand was on her lower back and he was speaking to her, "Liv?"
Looking up, she smiled and tried to push all her insecure thoughts away, "Hey. Ready?"
Elliot studied her expression for a moment then nodded, "Yeah...you good?"
"Yeah." She said, giving him a soft smile as she touched his cheek, "Just...thinking about how fast the last five years went. I remember when the twins were born. They weren't even...I wasn't…" She trailed off and shrugged, "But...I loved them then. And I love them now. Even more."
Elliot smiled and leaned in to kiss her, "They've always been yours Liv. Always."
Sighing, she reached for his hand and started to tug him down the road, not wanting to get too emotional, "Come on Stabler...you promised me breakfast."
He smirked, let go of her hand and wrapped it around her shoulder, "Breakfast it is. Happy wife, happy life."
Wrapping her arm around his waist she leaned into him, wondering if she should tell him Kate had said hi. But...thinking about what he had just said, it would make her happier to not say anything at all. Leaning into him, she pushed those thoughts aside and focussed on the moment at hand. Nothing else mattered.
Three months quickly turned into six months and then eight months and Olivia still wasn't pregnant. It was February and in another day, the kids would be on vacation. It would officially be 1 year since Olivia had adopted them. It all seemed to go by so fast. Each passing month with no news of a baby seemed to break Olivia's spirit a little more. It didn't help that their friends and family constantly teased them about when a new baby would join the Stabler family. Elliot did his best to deflect all those questions, but he saw the stress it caused Olivia which didn't help at all.
One night after a particularly long three day case, Elliot had just gotten out of the shower and was lying on the bed. His whole body ached and he just wanted to go to sleep. Olivia had left earlier than him to get the kids because his Mom was out of town for a few days. They hadn't had much time to check in as the kids had events after school and dinner passed in a blur. When he got home, he had eaten quickly and then jumped directly in the shower. The kids were already off to bed and Olivia was making sure they were all tucked away for the night.
When the door to the bedroom opened, Elliot looked up and smiled at her. But she wasn't looking at him, she walked into the bathroom and was gone for a few minutes. Not thinking much of it, he closed his eyes and felt himself almost ready to sink into a deep sleep. He was half way between being awake and asleep when he felt her hands tugging on his towel.
Elliot smiled and then stilled her hands, "Liv."
She ignored him and kept at it, "El, wake up."
He sighed and held her hands tighter, "Hon, as much as I'd love too...I'm so freaking tired. I wouldn't be much fun tonight."
She shrugged and moved her hands away to start tugging on her own clothes, "That's fine. I can do most of the work."
He laughed again and sat up on his elbows, "Geez, how romantic."
She rolled her eyes and pulled her shirt off, "This isn't about romance El."
Her frantic movements confused him and he sat up all the way, "Then what is it about?" When she shot him a look he sighed, "Olivia…"
"Elliot stop talking." She said shimmying out of her pants, "I'm ovulating. It doesn't have to be-"
He grumbled and jumped off the bed, "Doesn't have to be what? Enjoyable?" He huffed again, "Liv I'm not just going to screw you like this."
She threw her hands up, "Why are you making this into a thing? It doesn't have to be. How many times have we had sex in our relationship?"
He held his towel tight as he went to go get a pair of his boxers, "Olivia...don't belittle our relationship. It's not just sex."
She rolled her eyes and sat down on the edge of the bed, only in her underwear, "Elliot, stop trying to be chivalrous. I don't need it."
He laughed again and slammed the drawer to his dresser shut, "You don't need it? Well what about what I need Olivia?"
The harshness in his voice made her shiver and she grabbed a blanket to cover herself, "Elliot…"
Turning towards her he frowned, "I'm not a machine. I can't just...I don't want…" He sighed and ran a tired hand over his face, "Olivia...I don't want to conceive our child like this. When you're frantic and upset. That's not what I want for us."
"I'm not frantic and upset." She said standing up, she walked towards him, "Elliot…"
She reached for him again and when her hand trailed down his chest towards the waistband of his boxers he grabbed her hand, "Stop it."
Tears instantly welled up in her eyes, "Elliot...you heard what the Doctor said. This is the best time for us to-"
"Olivia. Enough." He said sternly, "That's enough."
Stepping back, she was shaking now and she went to grab her robe, "Fine."
He saw her walking towards the door and knew she was running away from him. He didn't want to upset her and he could tell he had. But it was all just too damn much. "Olivia, come and talk to me."
"I don't want to talk Elliot. And you don't want to…" Her voice trailed off and her hand was on the doorknob but he was behind her before she could move, "Elliot…"
When his hands encircled her waist he tried to hold her against his chest, "Olivia...I know that this has been hard. And I want it just as bad as you do."
"No. I don't think you do." She said with a strangled breath, "Every single month that passes I feel like the biggest failure. And every time someone makes a comment about when I'll be pregnant...I want to scream."
The rawness and pain of her voice broke his heart and he pressed his lips into her neck, "Olivia...I know. I know. You aren't a failure. We'll keep trying…" She fidgeted in his embrace and he sighed, "But not like this...not like this."
Turning towards him she looked him straight in the eyes, "I told you that I felt like something was wrong...there has to be something wrong."
Elliot pushed back the hair on her face, "We don't know that. The Doctor said your tests all looked clear. Sometimes these things just take time…"
"Time?" She shrugged, "Elliot...it's been 8 months. I could be about to give birth by now. There has to be something wrong with me. Maybe it's some sort of bullshit karma."
He frowned, "Karma? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Karma." She said with a shrug, "My Mom got pregnant with me when she was raped but she never wanted me. Maybe it's God's way of making me suffer for what I did to her. What I put her through."
"Olivia...that's the craziest thing I have ever heard." He said quickly, immediately regretting his words because he knew she would twist them.
"Oh...so now I'm crazy?" She asked, a look of fury in her eyes, "You told me to talk to you. To tell you what I was feeling and I open up to you and you call me crazy?"
"I didn't call you crazy." He said, trying to stay calm and in control, knowing that her mood was very fragile and he didn't want to push her any farther, "I said what you were thinking was crazy. This isn't karma Olivia. It's life. It happens. Things like this happen all the time. But we're going to get-"
"God stop talking." She brushed past him again, "Just stop talking."
Elliot reached for her hand she tugged it away, "I understand why-"
"No. You don't." She said shaking her head, "You couldn't possibly understand. You're a man. And I feel like the biggest idiot. I've spent all these years trying desperately to prove that I was one of the guys. That I wasn't some weak woman. Trying to prove that I wasn't an emotional mess. And I'm standing here falling apart because I can't get fucking pregnant."
"Hey…" He reached for her, "You're feeling a lot of things right now and I hear you. You're allowed to feel all that. I know that you want this. I want it too. And I really believe it will happen. This isn't karma or anything else...we just have to be patient."
Olivia looked at him and frowned, "You never had to wait before…"
He hung his head in frustration, "We're back here?"
Shrugging she whispered, "You know it's true. You practically looked at Kathy and she got pregnant."
"I can't do this…" He said turning away from her, "I can't keep doing this. Olivia I was married...I had children with her. But they are your kids now."
"And maybe that's all I'm supposed to have." She took a deep breath, "I love them. Maybe that's...that's enough. I mean I told myself you didn't want more kids and I was okay with it. So maybe I should just...let it go."
Elliot's head was spinning, trying to keep up with her emotions. He knew it was a lot for her to handle and he wasn't angry but it was exhausting. He was trying to be patient. Trying to stay with her but he felt overwhelmed in his own right. Reaching past her, he grabbed a pillow off the bed, "I'm tired. We're done with this conversation tonight."
She watched him start to walk away, "Where are you going?"
"I'm sleeping in the guest room." He said and quickly blurted out something he regretted, "I don't feel like getting pawed at in the middle of the night."
She stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest again, a defensive position, "Fine. Although right now I can assure you the last thing I want is to touch you. And you clearly don't want me."
Elliot laughed angrily and walked towards the door, "Goodnight Olivia."
As soon as the door closed behind him she crumpled. Moving towards the bed, she collapsed on it and curled into a ball. Her whole body hurt and so did her heart. Why was she falling apart? She knew it was because she wanted this baby more than anything else. She loved the four children she did have but she wanted a little piece of her and of Elliot in this world. She wanted to experience being pregnant. Wanted to experience it all. With him. Her stupid jealousy and panic was making it that much harder. And now...he was angry. One thing she knew for sure was that when he was angry...there was no getting through to him. So for tonight, she had to let it go. But tomorrow...tomorrow she was going to have to get it together and let him in and be calm.
In the guest room, Elliot was wide awake lying on the bed. He knew there would be no sleep to be had tonight. His mind was racing and part of him wanted to get up and walk back to their room and just hold her. He didn't want to talk. He didn't think it would help. But if he could just hold her...maybe it would help them both. Now that 8 months had passed, he couldn't deny that he did wonder if something was wrong. He loved his four children but he would be the biggest liar in the world if he said he didn't want another child. And not just any child...a child with Olivia.
A little boy or girl with brown hair and big brown eyes just like hers. He knew they were a family either way but he wanted to share that with her. He wanted to give her that one thing she always wanted and it was killing him that it wasn't happening. He hated talking about Kathy. Truth be told, he didn't give her much thought ever. He saw no reason. She was gone and he had a new life now. A better life. But he understood why Olivia felt insecure...he'd feel the same way if there had been another man in her life. If she had been married to someone else, had a child with someone else. It would always be there in the back of his mind no matter how much he trusted her.
Rolling over on the bed, he tried to tell himself that it was all going to be okay. She would have a baby. It had to happen. Didn't it?
The next morning passed in a blur of activity. They had all been running late and the kids were frantic trying to get ready for school. It had snowed the night before so the busses were late and they all needed to get on extra gear to ward off the chill. Elliot had gotten a call from John and had to leave early leaving no time for them to talk. And if they were at work, they both knew that there was no way they would be able to talk then. When she finally got to work, Olivia threw herself into her files to try and distract herself.
Cragen had informed them that Elliot and John were on a stakeout and would be gone for a while. Fin and Oliva would hang back and run interference on any information they had about the perp. She was sitting at her desk, typing away on her computer, trying to find any dirt on the man Elliot and John were trying to find. Beside her, Fin was watching her carefully.
After another ten minutes of her silence, he spoke up, "Hey Liv?"
Her eyes looked over at him and then frowned, "Yeah? You find something?"
Fin shook his head, "No…" She looked back at the screen, "Olivia, look at me for a second."
Sighing she looked at him again, "Fin, what is it?"
"Are you okay?" Instantly he saw her already tense body stiffen more, "Take a deep breath. You look like you're going to scream or hit something."
Olivia rolled her eyes, "Fin...focus on your work and not me."
Fin sighed and leaned closer to her, "I'm just trying...to make sure that my partner is-"
"I'm fine Fin. Just drop it. Okay? I'm tired. That's all. Leave me alone." She stood up quickly and walked towards the back wall of filing cabinets, not even needing anything but just needing space.
Fin watched her but knew better than to follow. He'd have to check in with Elliot when he got back so that at least she would talk to someone. Whatever it was, was clearly rattling her. Focussing back on his computer, he didn't see anyone walking into the precinct and over to his partner.
"Excuse me...I'm looking for Detective Stabler." The person said.
Olivia froze for a moment, she knew that voice, but how? Turning, she frowned when she saw Kate standing there, "Kate? What are you doing here?"
Kate stepped back, "Oh...Olivia. I didn't...realize you and Elliot worked together?"
"That's how we met." Her eyes narrowed in on the woman, "What are you doing here?" She repeated.
The woman stepped back and shrugged, "I...was hoping to talk to Elliot."
"Why?" She asked angrily, "What could you possibly have to talk to him about? Did something happen at the school?"
"No. Nothing happened at the school." Kathe said with a shake of her head, "You know...maybe I'll just come back at another time."
Kate turned to walk away and something inside of Olivia snapped, "What do you want from my husband?"
The tone of her voice caught Fin's attention and he quickly stood up and walked towards the two women. "Liv…"
Olivia put her hand up to silence him, "Stay out of this Fin." She frowned and looked back at Kate, "Whatever you have to say to him, you can say to me. So I'll repeat myself...what do you want?"
Kate sighed and turned to her, "I'm not sure...you want to hear what I have to say."
Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest. She felt so damn raw in this moment, like someone was ripping her heart out, "Say it. Just say it."
"I...I told you that I left for awhile...after Kathy left. Do you remember that?" She asked.
Olivia reached behind her and held the filing cabinet handle, "Kate...what are you trying to say?"
Sighing, "I left because I had a baby...and Elliot asked me to leave."
The words were tumbling around in her brain and she was vaguely aware of Fin walking closer to her, "What?"
"My youngest...well his Father is Elliot." She said with a shrug, she saw Olivia start to tremble and she smiled, "I didn't want you to find out this way. I'm not even sure Elliot realized I was back. I decided I didn't want to hide it. But we had a relationship. It was short lived but it was passionate...and we created a son together. I was angry at Elliot for denying me help but I decided he was just vulnerable at the time. So I came back...and I want him to be a part of his son's life. I just wasn't planning on him being married when I did…"
Olivia felt her knees go weak and she thought she might be sick, "I have to get out of here."
Fin was at her side, holding her elbow, "Olivia...take a breath."
"You're lying." Olivia spat at the woman, "You have to be lying. Elliot wouldn't...he couldn't...he wouldn't deny his own child...he told me that he hadn't been with anyone…"
Kate sighed and nodded, "He's a sweet talker...that's for sure. But we were together Olivia. I'm sorry you had to find out this way." Reaching into her bag she took an envelope, "If you don't believe me…"
Olivia snatched the envelope from her, "What the hell is this?" Kate shrugged and Olivia ripped it open, inside was a picture of Elliot asleep in a bed that wasn't in his own bedroom and her heart sank, "Oh God…"
"I'm sorry." She said with a sigh, "But...he has another son and I plan on ensuring he provides for him. Tell him he'll hear from my lawyer soon."
Kate walked away before Olivia could say anything else and Fin had to hold her up, "Baby girl...breathe…"
The word 'baby' made her skin crawl and she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. Here she was desperate to have another baby with this man and here was further proof that it was her. Not him. The tears fell hard and fast and she clung to Fin.
"I need to get out of here." She said painfully, "Please...please get me out of here."
Fin sighed and took the envelope and picture from her, "Come on...I got you. I got you. Everything is going to be okay."
As they walked out of the Precinct together, Olivia was trying desperately not to fall apart. She was telling herself the woman was lying. She had to be lying. Didn't she? Elliot had told her...he had said he hadn't slept with anyone since Kathy. She believed that. But where was this picture from? And why would this woman say something like this? Since the moment she had met her...something in Olivia's gut told her she was dangerous. That she was trouble. But her jealousy had kept her from bringing it up to Elliot. But if she had brought her up...what would he have said? Would he have panicked? Would he have to tell her this crazy story?
It couldn't be true...oh God it couldn't be true...and yet her already broken mind couldn't scrap the feeling that maybe it was.