"You might have to excuse me,

I've lost control of all my senses,

And you might have to excuse me,

I've lost control of all my words."

'Good Grief - Bastille

ZL-U58 tried not to think about what would happen to her after tonight. About what damage FN-2187's defection would do not just to her career, but to her entire life . FN-2199's accusations rang in her ears, his disgust and disdain for her coating her belly with acid. How many others in her unit felt the same way? How many times had she fought alongside someone who didn't think she deserved to wear the armor? How many doors had she gone through with someone who thought she was nothing but alien scum? How many times had she shed her blood and sweat and tears in battle with someone who thought the only place she belonged in the Universe was on her knees?

As she silently followed the dark figure of Kylo Ren through the corridors of the Finalizer , towards what she could only assume was an interrogation. She still wore only her regulation thermal tank and shorts, garb that was only to be worn when in the P.T. room and the humiliation of it burned through her. The sweat of her workout had dried on her pale red skin and she shivered with cold, her nipples pressing through the nylex. As their wordless trek led them past a trio of engineers coming in from repairing the damage to the hangar, she held her head high, fighting with the urge to fold her arms over herself.

Her throat snapped shut when she realized where they were headed: the very cell where she had tried to convince Poe Dameron of her good intentions. The door hissed open and Ren stepped in, turned to silently wait for her to follow. Her teeth began to chatter, so she clenched her jaw and stepped into the cramped little room and the door hissed shut.

The interrogation chair was still coated with the Resistance Pilot's blood. The smell hit her, broke her open and she felt his pain and loneliness and determination all over again, heard him cry out as blows landed on a body already broken, heard him call her Blue. Her eyes shut and now she did wrap her arms around herself and swayed on her feet, but stayed silent.

"It troubled you, what was done to the pilot." The low, flat modulated voice through the helmet's vocoder had her eyes snapping back open and she dropped her arms and turned to him. Close it up , she ordered herself. Close it down. . Just another debrief with a superior.

Nevermind that before this, she'd never had any reason to ever speak a word to the Supreme Leader's Enforcer.

"No, Commander. He had valuable intel. We were obligated to retrieve that intel by any means necessary." She was not only speaking to him, but saying the words for her own benefit, reminding herself of her place and her duty.

"Liar." He stepped close and his towering, wide frame filled her vision, forcing her head up to face the gleaming silver of the visor. She heard the creak of leather as his gloved hands fisted and she wondered if he would use them on her. "I didn't even have to try to see that you were grieved by his pain. And before that, you were shocked when General Hux struck you." The visored head tilted and she knew he was studying the rest of her face. "He went further after I left. Did that upset you, I wonder?"

She swallowed over the knot in her throat. "It was necessary. I know my duty."

"Your duty? To sympathize with Rebels? To wince and shudder when they feel pain? Or was it just because he's handsome and called you pretty?"

She was trying to shut herself closed, to turn off her so-called gift , but weariness and exhaustion and so much rage tore open those tenuous bonds and it spilled out, and poisonous emotions in the tiny room overwhelmed her.

"I didn't want to feel any of this! I didn't want to know about this part of me, but I know my place and I know my duty! And now I can't turn it off and I can't stop feeling what all of you feel! I felt his ribs shattering and I felt the General's disgust and the Captain's disappointment and 2199's hated for something I have no control over!"

The outburst stopped as quickly as it had begun and she sucked in a breath, horrified at her audacity and disobedience and waited for him to draw his saber and put it through her heart.

Kylo stared at the Zeltron Stormtrooper in silence as she trembled in front of him, her pupils dilated to the point that the silvery blue irises were only a pale ring around them. Her ruddy pink cheeks were flushed blood-red and her whole frame shook with the volatility of her emotions. As he watched, she shut her eyes, took another deep breath and fisted her hands at her sides, her jaw working. When her gaze finally lifted to his again, it had steadied and though she still trembled faintly, the color was fading from her cheeks.

It struck him, that clear struggle of hers to master her emotions, to calm the raging inside of herself. How often had Skywalker stared at him in abject disappointment and sent him to meditate for hours on end to calm himself? How many times had he tried to soothe his own demons, only to lose and unleash them on any available surface with the heated destruction of his saber? How often did he, even now, feel the storm of grief and betrayal and loneliness in the privacy of his own chambers, when there was no one to witness his weakness?

"I apologize for my outburst, Commander. I have no excuse. I submit myself to you for any discipline you deem fit."

Behind the helmet, his lips folded into a grim smile, hearing himself as a very young man repeating the very same words to his former Master.

And then he wondered, with no small amount of unease, what she felt from him? The possibility was like leaping into an icy lake. He needed what she knew about the defection of FN-2187, but was she too great a threat to him to keep on the Finalizer ?

On sudden impulse, he reached up, fingers engaging the locks on his helmet. With a depressurizing hiss, he lifted it off and tossed it on the interrogation chair and turned to face her.

"Discipline is coming, ZL-U58. But indulge my curiosity." Looking into her wide, shocked eyes, he took her fisted hand and felt her fingers go limp as he pressed her hot palm to his cheek. "What do you feel from me?"

I am so very, very sorry for the YEARS that have elapsed between this update and the last. Life hit me like a truck (school, a divorce, major health problems and a big surgery, moving) but things have finally settled for me and I'm feeling good and ready to get back into writing. This chapter is pretty short, but eventful. I wanted to get something out. I'm working on Chapter Nine already. My tumblr, bluemilkinaredsolocup, is up and running again and I'll post writing updates on there. Again, so sorry for the years in between!