TRIGGER WARNINGSELF HARM

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Don't panic.

Don't cry.

Don't panic.

Don't cry.

Don't run away. Keep walking. It's gonna be fine. It's only for today. There he is. You need to talk to him. You can't run away now. Wipe the tears away and keep walking.

He turns around and Meredith knows that she can't run away anymore. He has already spotted her. Don't cry, Meredith. Be professional. You have to work with him. Just act professional and when you have to do Charts or something you can go to your new favorite place and stay there in peace.

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm your Intern for today." "Meredith, you can still call me Derek." he answered. "No, It's Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd. Wer are not on first name base anymore." "Don't be like that, please. It was the right thing to do and I had to stay with her to work on our marriage. I made vows and I need to do anything in my power to keep them. And I didn't marry addison for no reason, I married her because I love her very much. So of course I want to try my best to make it work between me and her. Please let us stay on first name base, we can still be friends if you want to, Mer." "I don't want to be friends with you, tell me what I am supposed to do today and I will do it, Dr. Shepherd. And don't call me Mer."

"Mer- Dr. Grey, please do my charts and if you finish study this one." He pointed on one of the charts. "I'll quiz you about it and when you know everything about the case you will scrub in." "Okay." she answered as she quickly grabbed the charts and Left.

Friends, he wanted to be friends? What the actual fuck? He really thought they could be friends? No, thank you. He did something that no friend would do...

He had hurt her so bad and he expected her to want to be his friend. He had abandoned her. He led her on and made her belive that what they had ws rel when he had a wife. Actually he had cheated on both of them. He cheated on Addison by sleeping with another woman and he cheated on Meredith by being married and therefore in a relationship. And he expected her to be friends with him. When he had made her a slut and a mistress. She wasn't even worth it to be anyone's friend.

She saw a supply closet and slipped in quickly. She knew she needed them amso she took 3 single use scalpel and quite a few packs of gauze into her pockets. Then she took her charts and went to sit in her new favorite room. As she arrived in the tunnels she had one problem. She had to go past "their" gurney to reach her room.

"Cristina I know something is clearly wrong with her, you are her best friend, her 'person', you need to talk to her." Izzie said. "No, Stevens. No, she wants me out of her life so now I am out of her life. But Noone should expect me to care because I don't." Cristina answered. "What do you mean 'she wants you out of her life' what happened?" "Well apparently I am a huge hypocrite, 'the queen of hypocrisy' as Meredith Grey said.then she said that I'm not her friend and she wants to drop this person crap and she told me to call her Dr. Grey. And she asked me to leave her alone so what should I care?" Cristina said.

Meredith just stared at them, tears threatening to fall once again and started to walk faster. As Meredith walked by she gave Cristina a cold look and asked: "Does Izzie know about your good luck in taking bets these days?" "Ummm... I guess... " Izzie stammered. "I bet that he'd choose you tho." Meredith just stared at Izzie in disbelief when she walked away looking calm and unbothered.

But her insides ooked totally different.

It hurt her. It hurt her to know that people who she considered friends would take bets on her life and life changing things happening in said life. It would have been life changing if he chose her. IF. If is a big word. A word that talks about things that didn't happen but are ore were considered possible. And she had really thought Derek choosing her was the only possibility but it wasn't and it hurt. If he had chosen her, her life would've changed. She would have married him some day, maybe a kid or two. Maximum three. But this is never going to be a possibility. She reached her room and opened the door to the abandoned office. Just as abandoned as Meredith.

She felt it, she needed it. She went to the other room with the sofa and pulled off her pants. She needed it now. One hand into her pocket and there it was. Packed in white paper.

She quickly opened the white paper package, she had to do it. She didn't want to but she had to.

1...2... Drip drip drip

They are such great friends. Let's take bets over things that would literally change Meredith's life and not even tell her that we're taking bets on her either living a damned life full of hurt or her biggest dream.

3... Drip drip drip

He really wanted to be friends? He broke her and now he wanted to be friends. God damn him.

Stop. She had to stop now. She had work to do. Some gauze and bandage. Now Noone will know. Put on your pants aaaannd ready for work.

She started working on her charting. She looked down on her watch and saw that it was 90 minutes ago that Derek asked her to be friends. And gave her the assignment. And told her to study the chart to scrub in with him.

She had to do it now because she really needed the rush of surgery. And she needed to do it. She needed to do it for Mission "Don't show Derek Shepherd that he destroyed you". Derek couldn't

But she still couldn't be friends with him because just acting cold and professional would be easier than seeing him in private and talking to him about more personal things. Just like she used to talk to Cristina or Izzie. But they had hurt her. They both had bet about the thing that destroyed Meredith's life. How could they bet about it? And how could the person who she considered her best friend here bet that Meredith's life was destroyed and her heart broken more than it ever was before.

Meredith needed Sadie, she really did because she missed her sister. She needed her because Sadie was always there. Since the first time they met.

Flashback August 1984Six-year-old Meredith grey was sitting in her room in the group home. She really hated it here and she wanted to be with her mommy and daddy. She had been with Danny and Marie for some time but they didn't really like her so they brought her back to the group home. Then she was with Jim and Karen but they didn't even care that Meredith was there and when she accidently bumped against the vase with the flowers on the coffee table and knocked it down they brought her back too. And now she was back in the group home sitting on her bed. Her big black garbage bag with all her belongings was there too. She had already been back for two weeks and she really didn't like it here. Most of the kids were older and she didn't really like it here. .Meredith and was waiting for Mary because she had said that Meredith should wait for her because she had something cool to tell her.A knock on the door pulled Meredith out of her thoughts and Mary walked into the room with a little girl. "Hi Meredith, this is Sadie. She is going to share this room with you now. I need to go now but why don't you show Sadie around a little bit, Meredith." Mary said. " 'kay" Meredith answered and smiled at Sadie and Mary."I need to leave you both now but that would be very nice of you, Meredith." "Bye bye Mary." Sadie and Meredith said and Mary left."Hey, umm I'm very sorry that you have to be here too, being here is no fun. I'm Meredith... Mary already said that ummm... Meredith Elizabeth Grey and I am six years old." Meredith introduced herself to Sadie who responded with:"I am Sadie. Sadie Jean Harris and I'm also six just like you and I already know lots about books." "Oh me too, I'm really good at reading already, it's sooo much fun."End Flashback

Meredith couldn't believe that her and Sadie had first bonded over books. What person that knew them in Highschool would have thought that with all the skipping classes and missing assignments? She really missed Sadie, but she had no right to call and bug Sadie now. Not when she had left her in Europe. Not when Meredith changed her phone number just so Sadie couldn't find her anymore. It was Meredith's fault and she had taken the one great thing she had in life before all of that Seattle crap happened.

Don't think about the past, Meredith. Study the chart. You need to scrub in, he can't see that he destroyed you. Show him your face and show him that you don't care.

The tumor their patient had was a very cool but still complicated tumor. Meredith was really excited to scrub in on that one, she couldn't show derek that working with him hurt. But it did.

An hour and fifteen minutes later she was finally finished with thoroughly studying the case and the Chart. Mary Smith, 55, had a benign tumor in her frontal lobe. It was the kind of tumor that was easy to diagnose but very hard to resect. Many people even called a tumor like that inoperable.

But Meredith knew, that Derek could do it. Even if Derek was an ass, she couldn't doubt his skill in the OR.

The Chart said that the patient had already seen other neurosurgeons in Boston, New York City, LA and Chicago but they all didn't want to operate, but Derek did. And Meredith was going to scrub in.

Meredith took the charts and left her little office. She left the scalpels and the gauze there so she could just come back to that room to have some alone-time with the shining blade of a more than one time used single-use scalpel.

She took the elevator up to the surgical floor and Der-Dr. Shepherd was standing at the nurses station.

"Dr. Shepherd, I finished your charting and studied the chart." She said as she approached him. "Mer-Dr. Grey, that's great. Come on, we'll go and see our patient now." He said and started walking towards a patients room. She was following him. He knocked on the door.

Finally there is a new chapter for yall. With all the in person school and me being sick for two days I wasn't really motivated to write alot.But because it took me longer to write this chapter its almost twice as long as some chapters in this story (about 2000 words).But now I'm all healthy and motivated so I finally completed it.And for the record I still didn't finish the book I mentioned last chapter so I really should do that too, it's actually really good. (I know you probably don't care but still) It's called "the hate U give" and is actually quite famous there is even a Netflix movie and I love that they make us read it ao I should really finish it hahahahahaha...Whoever reads this crappy author's note thanks lol, that's really nice and I love yall, this story is so much fun to write because I would have loved to see a storyline like that on grey's. If you read this note until now you could also leave a review (I really love reading them and interacting with you because I love that you love my baby (which is this story)) and you leaving reviews really makes me happy and smily and all cheerful and keeps me with that story...If anyone here reads my other story "she's Back" I'm kinda having a huge writers block but I'll update as soon as I know what I want to happen in the next chapter...I should really stop now so good bye guys, Have a nice day or whatever time it is when you read that.