Kurt thought that waiting for Blaine to wake up was the hardest thing he had to do this week but he was wrong. It turns out that letting go of Blaine and leaving him alone in the hospital bed was much harder. He had been contemplating doing it for the last hour but he had missed the feeling of holding Blaine in his arms for so long and he knew that if he let go now, this could be the last time he might get to do this.
You have to let go, you don't want to do anything he might not want, he told himself sternly. The fact that Blaine was hesitant to even hold his hand when he was fully aware meant that he definitely would be uncomfortable or at least very confused if he woke up in Kurt's arms. Do this for him, come on.
Kurt sighed and slowly loosened his tight grip on Blaine. When he finally let go, he gently moved Blaine's body so that he was lying comfortably on the pillow. Kurt stood up next to the bed and couldn't help but stare at Blaine's calm, sleeping expression. He resisted the urge to kiss his forehead and sighed as he grabbed Blaine's hand instead. He sat back down on the chair next to the bed and tried to relax.
The timing was perfect because approximately 10 minutes later, Blaine started to stir and he woke up.
This time he didn't seemed surprised at Kurt's presence and he gave him a small smile while Kurt smiled back.
He moved to sit up but had a bit of trouble so Kurt helped him silently by adjusting his pillows. When he was done, Kurt sat back down and Blaine looked at him awkwardly before staring down at his lap
Kurt wanted to talk to him about what he said when he was on the pain medication but he had no idea where to begin. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he decided he should start with what Blaine remembered.
"Did you..um..did you have any weird dreams?" Kurt asked slowly.
Blaine looked curiously at Kurt and thought about it for a second before he smirked and replied.
"Yes actually, how did you know?"
"You said something in your sleep so I was just curious," Kurt said with a smile.
Blaine chuckled and smiled back.
"What did I say?"
Kurt's cheeks felt hot. He didn't want to say too much but he wanted to say something to prompt Blaine to talk about what he said.
"I think you said something about...making a wish?"
Blaine smiled widely and giggled.
"That makes sense, I mean it was definitely a weird dream."
He looked contemplatively to the side of the room before turning back to Kurt and speaking.
"I think...I remember seeing this big, blue genie and I think it was standing like there?" he said while pointing to the empty floor next to Kurt. "He had like gold chains around him and the genie was wearing a bow tie," Blaine continued while trying not to laugh.
Kurt looked at the empty floor Blaine was pointing at and then chuckled as he looked back at Blaine and shook his head.
"That's ridiculous Blaine, you really are crazy."
Blaine just looked at Kurt and tilted his head with a confused expression on his face.
"You know that wasn't even the weirdest part."
"What could possibly be more weird than that?" Kurt asked incredulously.
Blaine looked contemplatively at Kurt for a few seconds while Kurt tried not to freak out at how long he was taking to respond.
"I think…did you hug me?" Blaine said tentatively.
Kurt was shocked and embarrassed but he tried to speak calmly as he replied.
"M-maybe in the dream I did. You were asleep for a while"
"Yeah maybe...the weird thing is that I remember smelling your cologne. I don't know how I could smell it in the dream." Blaine looked utterly confused and Kurt bit his lip.
"Hmm that is weird," Kurt said as calmly as he could.
"Yeah...it smelled nice though." He smiled up at Kurt and Kurt smiled sheepishly back.
"That must have been some really strong..uhm..strong meds," Kurt said while laughing nervously.
"Yup," Blaine said while chucking, "I think you said this really funny joke too...I remember laughing."
"Oh my God, Blaine what did I say?"
Blaine grinned as he thought about it but as he opened his mouth to respond, the sound of the room door swinging open stopped him and Blaine's doctor was soon walking towards the bed.
They could feel a shift in the tone of the room and they both stared at the doctor silently. She looked at the machines next to Blaine and then turned to look at him.
"Your oxygen levels are back up, but I just want to do a couple of tests. Is that ok Mr. Anderson?"
"Um, yea...and you can call me Blaine."
"Ok Blaine, can you take a really deep breath for me?"
Blaine blinked a few times and looked a little scared so Kurt grabbed his hand and held it tight. Blaine looked at their hands and smiled before he squeezed Kurt's hand and looked back at the doctor, more determined.
He inhaled slowly and when he exhaled he coughed a little and grimaced. He looked fearfully at the doctor while she wrote something down.
"That's normal actually. Is it just uncomfortable or are you in pain?" the doctor asked.
"It's just uncomfortable"
"Ok, that's to be expected. You're going to be sore for a few days but everything seems to be healing nicely. I think you will be able to leave here soon."
Blaine nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. He looked at Kurt who did the same before smiling at him. The room was silent for a few minutes while the doctor continued to type things on her chart.
She soon inspected the bandages on Blaine's hand and told him to try to move his fingers.
Kurt tightened his grip on Blaine's other hand and Blaine was thankful. He slowly tried to move his fingers and was surprised at how much effort it took just for them to curl and uncurl slowly. He felt a jolt of pain shoot through his hand and all the way up his arm as he gasped. He looked up at the doctor with a pained expression and was slightly annoyed that she didn't warn him about how painful it would be.
"Sorry about that. It's going to be painful but it's important that we keep trying to move your hand so that the muscles there don't tense up," the doctor said.
Blaine nodded while laying back into the pillows to try and calm himself. His whole arm was still throbbing but he didn't want to think about the pain so he asked the doctor a question to distract himself.
"When can I actually leave the hospital then?"
"Well, we want to monitor your breathing, and hand for a couple of days but after that, you can leave. You will be under strict orders to rest and take it easy for at least a few weeks though."
"What kind of rest do you mean?" Blaine asked abruptly.
"You can do light activities but just don't push yourself. For example, no strenuous activity or working out or anything that could re-open stitches."
This made Blaine very worried as he thought about all of the things he wouldn't be able to do for a while.
"Will...um..will I be able to dance or sing?" Blaine asked quietly.
"You probably shouldn't. Are you a performer?"
Blaine glanced at Kurt nervously and then he looked back at the doctor.
"Kind of..um..I go to a performance arts school."
"Oh, that's cool," the doctors said absentmindedly.
As she thought about it for a second, she frowned and she looked at Blaine curiously.
"Wouldn't you be on summer break now? You're not taking summer classes right?"
Blaine looked dejectedly at the doctor and spoke shakily.
"Um..no"
"Well, that shouldn't be an issue then. You should be perfectly fine to dance, sing and do whatever you want by the end of the summer."
"Only by the end of summer?" Blaine asked confused.
"Maybe before that. It's the end of May now, right? By mid-July, you should be able to do whatever you want."
"Wait why do I have to rest for so long? I thought you said just a few weeks," he asked carefully.
The doctor sighed and looked a bit annoyed.
"As I said you should rest and take it easy in terms of physical activity for a couple of weeks. But your hand might take longer to heal so that's why I said July. I'm not sure if you want to be dancing and performing with a sling and cast."
Blaine's eyes widened in panic and his breath hitched. He just stared at the doctor and when he didn't respond for a minute, Kurt squeezed his hand and rubbed his knuckles slowly.
"Why is it going to take so long?" Kurt asked the doctor.
"Well, the surgery we did actually leads to a shorter recovery time but it's not that simple. Once you rest for a couple of weeks, we can take the pins out and we have to assess how it has healed. You will need lots of physical therapy to use your fingers and hand again, but the average recovery time is about 6 weeks for most people."
Blaine pursed his lips and huffed out a sigh of contempt.
"So I can't use my hand for 6 weeks?" he asked frustratedly.
"Not properly, no. It's possible your hand could heal faster and you might regain mobility but you also broke 2 fingers so it will be difficult. We are not sure if there will be any nerve damage as well but if there is, that would make it take longer. You can probably still use your hand before it is fully healed, it will just be very painful."
Blaine nodded and looked angrily at the doctor as he shook his head. He wanted to say something to protest but then he saw Kurt's confused expression and he just looked down instead.
Kurt noticed that Blaine was getting increasingly nervous, panicked, and angry as the conversation went on. Blaine seemed very annoyed right now and Kurt had no idea why he was reacting like this. Maybe he just wants to get back to performing and he hates needing help? he thought. Surely 6 weeks of resting is a small price to pay for almost dying, isn't it? Why is he making it seem like taking a break is a big deal? It's summer, what could he possibly have to do? Kurt thought.
"Do you have any more questions?" The doctor asked.
Kurt shook his head and Blaine spoke.
"No. Thank you so much for all the information, it was really helpful." Blaine sounded frustrated and a little sarcastic but the doctor didn't seem to pick up on it.
She was too busy staring at her chart and when she looked up she gave Blaine a smile.
"Great! I'll be in to check on you in a few hours. Get some rest."
She gave Kurt a quick nod and left the room.
Kurt was now even more confused and a little embarrassed by Blaine being slightly rude to the doctor. He was always so polite to people in the past but Kurt figured he has been through a lot and maybe this was him coping. Kurt looked at Blaine's face again, and he seemed angry but there was a hint of fear in his eyes.
Kurt squeezed his hand and Blaine looked at him while he spoke.
"Don't worry, Blaine, it's really not that long. The 6 weeks will fly by so fast and at least you can walk around and do stuff with your other hand while you wait."
Blaine took a deep breath and clenched his jaw.
"Yea, sure" he muttered while he continued to look down.
Kurt frowned and continued to talk.
"Blaine, I know you said you don't mind me helping you with the recovery and I'm going to help with getting around and stuff but that's not the only thing I can do. If something's bothering you or if you're scared about something, you can talk to me, you know. I can help you through this."
Blaine gulped before he looked up and glared at Kurt.
"You can't fix this," he said quietly before turning to stare at his bandaged hand.
"Blaine, your hand is going to be fine after the month. I'm sure you can find stuff to do until then, you just have to wait it out."
"I can't," he said solemnly.
Kurt was confused and frustrated now too.
"Why not?"
Blaine let out an annoyed sigh.
"I got cut from NYADA, Kurt," he said dryly.
"What?" Kurt almost whispered.
Blaine turned to look at Kurt and his resolve was hard as his tone was harsh.
"I failed 3 courses and Madam Tibideaux said I couldn't do anything to fix it. She cut me herself."
Kurt was shocked but he cleared his throat and tried not to sound too alarmed when he responded.
"Oh my God, Blaine, I-I'm so sorry. That..uh..that must have been tough."
"Yea, it was. And now I can't even audition to get in anywhere else." He shook his head angrily and glared at his hand.
Kurt's eyes widened as realization dawned on him. That's why he wanted to practice and use his hand this month. Shit, he actually can't do that. He can't audition, what is he going to do?
Kurt opened his mouth to speak but he didn't know what to say so he closed it. Kurt wracked his brain trying to figure out solutions before he attempted to speak again.
"You can still audition for January enrollment, right? September deadlines are in a month but you can just wait till the Jan auditions in November, if you want."
Blaine blinked a few times as his eyes turned a bit red.
"What am I gonna do till November?" he said softly.
"You can..um..find a job or internship or something. Or you can just practice until then."
"No one is gonna hire me with a broken hand."
"I think...I'm sure someone will." Kurt knew his tone wasn't positive and he wasn't sure if he believed himself at the moment. He could see on Blaine's face that his words weren't reassuring at all.
Blaine just bit his lip and looked like he was holding back tears. Kurt knew he wouldn't be able to handle seeing Blaine cry after everything so he quickly thought of something to say to make him feel better. Kurt tried to sound as confidant as he could when he spoke.
"Blaine, don't worry, everything will work out. You're going to find a job and if you don't, you can just prep for the audition in November. I know...I wasn't the best at being there for you before but whatever problems you have now and in the future, we will figure it out together. I'm here for you and you're gonna be ok."
Blaine stared at Kurt blankly before he turned away feeling slightly angry. Why is he suddenly talking about together and being here for me when he's the one who caused this mess. Blaine closed his eyes for a second and sighed, That's not true he told himself. I'm the one who failed, this is my mess to figure out. Kurt shouldn't even be here right now.
But he is here, some part of his brain reminded him. Kurt was here and for a second when he was talking, Blaine started to believe that things would be ok. That Kurt would help him and be there for him and he meant what he said. But he couldn't fall for that trap again. Kurt had told him that so many times but when it really came down to it, he was always busy or distant.
He just broke up with me for no good reason and he ignored me for months. How can I trust that he won't leave again? How can I trust that he will stay this time? The breakup hurt like hell and Blaine knew that if Kurt came back into his life now and left again, he wouldn't be able to bear it. He just feels bad for me, it's just pity, he thought. I can't be let down again, I can't go through that again.
Kurt looked at Blaine curiously and tried to figure out what he was thinking. His face was a mixture of frustration and fear as he glared at the wall. He seemed preoccupied with his thoughts and he hadn't spoken for a few minutes.
"Blaine? Are You ok?" Kurt asked nervously.
"No," Blaine whispered.
"What?" Kurt asked.
"I said no. You can't just decide that you want to come back into my life and be here for me now because you feel bad. I don't want your pity, Kurt," he said angrily.
"It's not pity," Kurt said quickly. He was getting very nervous for this conversation and he was trying to think of the right thing to say.
"Well what else could have suddenly made you care after ignoring me for months?" Blaine asked harshly.
"Blaine, I...I have always cared about you and that's not going to change. You know our history, you know how much you mean to me. The only reason I'm here now and I want to help is because I...I just really really care about you."
Kurt hesitated because he wanted to say "I love you" but he wasn't sure if it would make Blaine more upset. He hoped his sincere tone and expression conveyed what he meant and judging by the way Blaine was looking at him it seemed like he knew what Kurt meant.
Blaine gulped and for a second Kurt saw an expression of hope and love on his face but he soon shook his head and looked down again.
"I don't want to talk about this right now, Kurt. All I want to do now is focus on getting better so I don't fail these auditions too. I failed out of NYADA because I was distracted and I can't afford to fail anything else now."
"Oh..ok..yes, of course." Kurt felt guilty as he figured that Blaine saying he failed because he was "distracted" was a reference to the break-up. The breakup that he caused. Did he really fail because of me? Kurt thought fearfully.
Kurt thought about it for a little before he sighed. He knew he had to follow Blaine's example and focus on the future instead of the past.
"We don't have to talk about this now. But Blaine, I want you to know that you won't fail these auditions. You're an amazing performer and you're going to get into a great school regardless of how long you practice.
"It won't be perfect. What if my hand is shaky or something?"
"It won't be. By the time November comes you're going to be perfectly fine."
Blaine shook his head and sniffled.
"I don't even want to think about going to another school. I can't believe I screwed up this badly and failed those courses. I worked so hard and now it's just over." His voice wavered as if he was on the verge of crying.
Kurt looked guiltily at Blaine as he thought about what Blaine said before about being sad. He didn't know things were so bad that Blaine would let his grades slip like that. He wished he has something better to say but he just spoke softly and tried to sound reassuring.
"You should really give yourself a break, Blaine. You were going through a lot...uh...when you got kicked out. It's not entirely your fault."
Blaine blinked back his tears quickly and glared at Kurt pointedly as he hardened his resolve.
"Your right, it was a lot to go through and it's wasn't fully my fault."
Kurt felt a wave of guilt fill him again and his breath caught in his throat.
Blaine stared angrily at Kurt and Kurt looked expectantly at him, waiting for the harsh words he knew were coming.
Blaine had some things he wanted to say but when he looked into Kurt's guilt-ridden, fearful eyes he knew he couldn't shout at him. He knew whatever he was going to say he would regret. He just didn't want to be thinking about Kurt and his feelings for him right now. There was too much already going on in his head and he didn't know how to deal with any of it.
Blaine took a shaky breath in and looked at Kurt blankly as he exhaled.
"Kurt, can you give me a minute. I just need a minute alone to process this."
Kurt was surprised as he had fully expected to be yelled at.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I can still make decisions for myself, you know?" he said harshly.
Kurt was taken aback by Blaine's tone but he understood why he was mad.
"I know you can, sorry. I..I'll leave" he said quietly.
Kurt let go of Blaine's hand and Blaine looked down in shock. He didn't even remember that he was holding Kurt's hand but when it was gone, he felt like something important was missing. The cool air hitting his hand felt wrong for some reason and he quickly looked up to see that Kurt was about to leave the room.
Kurt turned back to look back at Blaine one more time before he left, and Blaine looked at him with a guilty expression on his face.
"Sorry I shouted," Blaine said quietly.
Kurt gave him a small smile and replied.
"It's ok. Just call me if you need anything."
Blaine nodded and Kurt sighed before he left the room.
When Kurt left and the door clicked closed, Blaine looked around the room. The room looked bigger, the air felt thicker, and he suddenly realized that he didn't want to be alone.