trigger warning

Chapter Eight: Just One More Time

Sirius stood in the bathroom, blankly staring at himself in the mirror, his untied tie hanging loosely around his neck. James poked his head in. "You ok? We need to head down pretty soon."

Sirius turned and looked at him. His throat was thick with tears, and he didn't think he'd be able to get any words out. He gestured weakly to the tie.

James nodded, walking slowly over to him. He gave Sirius a tight hug, then helped him tie his tie and straighten his dress robes. Sirius smiled gratefully at him. "Ready?" James asked quietly

Sirius shrugged. "Will we ever be?" he asked quietly, his voice hoarse.

He followed James out of the bathroom, grabbing a folded piece of parchment off Remus's bed and slipping it into the pocket of his robes. Peter was waiting by the door. The three boys (fuck, it should have been four of them), made their way out of the castle.

The crisp January breeze blew across the castle grounds. The sun shone brightly, reflecting off the little bit of snow. They were some of the last students to leave the castle, following the solemn crowd down to the edge of the grounds, just on the outside of the wards.

James guided them to the front of the crowd, near Mr. and Mrs. Lupin. Sirius caught sight of the coffin and felt his heart break. James snaked an arm around Sirius, holding him up. Sirius sobbed onto James's shoulder. It hurt so fucking bad.

He could barely listen to Dumbledore, who was conducting the ceremony. The buzzing in his head overpowered the words about Remus, what a kind and genuine person he was, how much he would be missed, and honestly, Sirius just thought it was all bullshit. Finally, he heard Dumbledore say his name.

James hugged him, wiping away his tears and whispering, "You got this, Siri. For all of us."

Sirius gripped his hand tightly, looking at him, blinking away the tears. Peter hugged him quickly. He made his way up to where Professor Dumbledore had been standing, pulling out the piece of parchment.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath. "Um, hey," he said softly, then cleared his throat and repeated it, louder.

"It's Sirius, Black, but I guess you know that. Remus was one of my best friends and my boyfriend." There were a few whispers, but Sirius didn't care. Most people knew, and he honestly didn't give a fuck what the few homophobic people thought.

"Remus- Remus was one of the kindest people I have ever known. He was so wonderful and loving and the perfect boyfriend. He- I-" Sirius broke off, the tears overwhelming him.

He collected himself after a minute and continued. "He was always there for people, but he was hurting so much. He-" Sirius turned, looking at the coffin. The tears streamed down his face. "I- I can't do this," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Remy."

James was there. James held him, crying. Peter was there, too, on Sirius's other side. They all cried together. Around them, a few people had tears in their eyes. Mr. Lupin was holding his wife as they both cried. Professor McGonagall dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.

Slowly, somberly, Professor Dumbledore raised his wand, illuminating the end. Everyone followed suit, until it was a mass of bright lights shining in the dusky sky. Sirius reached into his robe, pulling out his wand. He swallowed hard and raised it, along with James and Peter.

Long after everyone had left, they stayed by the coffin. Sirius sat on the ground next to it, his back against it, sobbing brokenly. "Remy," he whispered, "I miss you. I miss you so much."

He leaned his head back, resting it on the coffin. "Why?" he asked. "Why, Remy? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you tell us?"

He pulled his hands roughly through his hair. "Fuck!" he screamed loudly. "Why? Why, Remy?" He let out another loud sob. "I love you," he said brokenly. "I love you, Remy. Why did you have to leave?"

He slumped over a little bit. "Maybe I should see you again," he whispered quietly to himself.

James and Peter were standing a few feet away, both crying. James looked up when he heard Sirius. He hurried over, sinking down next to him and wrapping an arm around him. "Don't say that," he said softly.

Sirius just looked up at James, his eyes full of tears and so much pain. "Why?" he asked quietly. "It would be easier."

James's heart was racing. "Sirius, Sirius, just listen to me. You know it's not the answer."

"It could be, though," he said through the tears. "It just hurts so much, James. I miss him so much."

"I know, I know. We all do. But it's not the answer."

"I miss him," whimpered Sirius. "I miss him so much. It's not fucking fair."

"I know."

"I just miss him." Sirius was sobbing now, leaning against James. James stroked his hair gently, trying to comfort him, wiping away his own tears.

Peter joined them on the ground, wrapping an arm around Sirius as well. "We can get through it," he said quietly. "Together. We have to, Siri."

Sirius just sobbed. It felt as though his heart had been physically ripped in half. He would give anything to see Remus one more time, hold him in his arms one more time, kiss him one more time, tell him he loved him one more time, hear those words just one more time.

And, of course, Remus's words echoed in his head. "I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate."

"Shut up!" screamed Sirius, clamping his hands over his ears. "Shut up," he whispered brokenly.

"Oh, Siri," murmured James.

Sirius leaned into him, half laying on his lap at this point. "He said he hated me."

James rubbed Sirius's back soothingly. "He didn't hate you."

"He meant it this time."

"He really loved you, Sirius."

Sirius didn't answer. He couldn't speak through the tears. They sat there, on the ground, in the cold, just crying. Sirius had never experienced this much pain before. He didn't know how he would be able to deal with it. He didn't think he wanted to try.

A/N:

hi. sorry i didn't update or reply or anything. i was super busy/out of the house during the afternoon and evening for the past couple days. also i'm so fucking depressed and on the edge of like a suicidal depression breakdown. it's getting rlly bad again

thank you so much for caring. it literally means so fucking much to me you have no idea

take care, drink some water. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn