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She tried to forget him, but never could.

Dream POV

!WARNING!

This ( - ) Signals that the time frame has changed and Dream is in another time. Past or Present. Italicized is the past and regular font is the present.

TW: Major Character Death and Mentions/Thoughts of Suicide

I stared at the water. The thoughts running through my head. Flashes of George smiling on my screen, our late-night secret sleep calls we kept from the fans. Now he was gone. If only I had been there. Been there to save him.

I stared at the river, the current strong against the rocks. I threw a stick in, watching it swiftly flow down along the bank. It was fast. Fast enough, right?

I ran across my bedroom grabbing my ringing phone from my desk. I had been waiting for a few hours to start a stream to start with George but knowing him he probably fell asleep. It was a UK number. Unknown. I answered it, waiting for a scam.

"Is this Clay?" Her voice was rough as she held back broken sobs.

"Uhm yes, this is him." I bit my lip. Concern bubbling in my stomach.

"This is Mrs. Found. I hate that you have to find out this way but... You knew about George's condition." No. No no no no no.

"Yes. I did."

"He passed away this morning. We thought you should be the first to know."

"Thank you for telling me. I am so sorry for your loss."

"Oh Dream. I'm sorry for yours as well. It's a lot to ask but-"

"I will be there. I wouldn't miss it." I already had a ticket to London for tomorrow. I was supposed to meet him then. There goes our plans. Our first time meeting will be with him in a casket.

"Thank you. You are welcome to stay with us. I don't want you worrying about a hotel. Any other people he was close with are welcome to come to the service. I know he would've wanted you all there."

"Will do. I am so sorry again."

"Take care, Dream." A raw cry clawed through my throat the moment I hung up.

"Dream?" My mom rushed through the door, my sister lingered in the hall seeing what was wrong. They have seen me upset, but never like this. My mother held me for hours while I whispered incoherently rocking back and forth on my floor. My boyfriend. My best friend. My partner was dead.

"It's okay baby, it's okay." It wasn't. And it never would be.

How long had it been? How long had I been in England before I came home? Now here I was at St. Johns River contemplating on if I should get in.

I could get to see George. The current is rough enough. I could. I would see George.

The plane ride was supposed to be an exciting one. But now here I was bawling in my seat next to a stranger trying to keep their eyes off me. I didn't care if they saw me. When they lose their lover they can talk.

Was he really even my lover?

This would have been the first time I could actually see him. To touch him. It wouldn't be over calls and facetime. I would hold him, make love to him. He would actually be my lover. I would be able to fully use the term but now he was gone. Dead. God the word felt like poison coming out of my mouth.

Gone. I would just use that for now. It left it open for him to come back.

Fuck. Come back to me, George.

Please.

Come back.

Come back.

Please. Please. PLEASE.

Nothing. I don't really know what I was expecting. A rumble of lighting then bam George is next to me on the plane? He was gone. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone.

It was getting dark now, the sun setting in the distance over the river.

"You know, I always wanted you to see the Florida Sunset. Maybe we would have a day on the beach." I tangled my hands through my hair, pulling until it hurt.

"I thought that you would be able to come here. Meet my family, we would have Sapnap drive down here. He'd call us idiots while he was the third wheel."

"I would be able to hold your hand for real. And I could hold you for real."

"I never got to say it to you in person, George, but I love you. I truly love you. Would it be too far to say that I already had my wedding vows? I think I had them ready when we started dating." I chuckled, fighting back the sobs. "Now, here I am sitting on the ground talking to my boyfriend who isn't here. I'm going crazy." I brought my knees to my chest. I wiped my nose with my GeorgeNotFound merch. I don't think I have taken it off.

"I miss you. I miss you every day. George, don't find some hot new sexy boyfriend in Heaven okay? I cant meet you up there and have you moved on already." I looked out at the water. I had a bottle of whisky and a bottle of pills in my bag next to me. I hadn't decided if it was falling asleep or cold water just yet. Surprisingly I hadn't decided. I usually thought things through. Something he always made fun of me for.

"You'd kill me if I did it, wouldn't you? You would send me back down here then strike me with lightning." I laughed, but it wasn't a real one. It would've been if he were here next to me.

"I don't think you get a say this time, Georgie."

I sat in the front row with Sapnap beside me, along with Bad too. We sat with his family, and both of his parents held my hand. Sapnap comforted George's little sister and Bad just stared at the casket. It was open but none of us had been able to go up there yet. Just not yet. I couldn't look at him. That's when it felt too real.

"Is there anyone who would like to say something?" The pastor asked. I thought about the folded paper in my black suit pant pocket.

I stood up, wiping my sweaty hands on my wrinkled pants, and walked up to the stand. Some people gave me looks and I met Mrs. Founds proud eyes.

"George was my best friend. He was goofy and wild, but I know for me personally it took a really long time to get to that side of him. It was hard to believe at times that he was a twenty-four-year-old man." God, he left us so soon.

"George gave me everything. He gave me a drive for life that no one else could've. He made me smile and feel things that I never thought I could feel about a person. He was beautiful. That was just how George was."

"I dreamed of marrying him one day. I dreamed of moving in with him even if it involved dragging him to America." I took in a long shaky breath. "He never got to see it. He never got to get angry at me again or tell me that he couldn't wait to meet me. Everything that he wished to do was ended. I think he knew. I think he was prepared, but that doesn't make any of this any less hard." I let the tears fall from my face. I could hardly make out faces as I held in my tears.

"I was coming out to meet him today. He was going to pick me up at the airport and Lord knows that we would've walked home because for some reason he refused to get a license." There were scattered chuckles amongst the audience.

"But that's what made him, George. He had so much more to do. I was going to teach him to drive just for the memory of it. I miss you, George. You changed so many people's lives including mine." I stepped down back to my seat, letting the tears finally fully come out. Bad was still motionless as he stared at the casket, but I still felt his hand on mine. I knew he felt broken too. Bad was more emotional than all of us.

"I should've gone to England sooner," I choked back a cry. "I should've been there with you when it happened. I should've been there the entire time, I should've fought this fight with you." My face was hot and I couldn't breathe.

"I could've saved you, right?"

"I could've."

"I love you, George. I love you so much." I unscrewed the whiskey bottle and took a swig. The liquor burning my throat as I swallowed. I would be messed up after this, but who cares? It would be over soon anyway...

_

I curled up in your bed. Your apartment was so much more different from my mom's house. I couldn't even imagine living on my own, especially if I was in the condition you were in. I could barely take care of Patches and Me, with my mom living in the same house as me. Yet here you were, three years older than me and living on your own. What an adult you were on the outside but such a child on the inside.

I snuggled deeper into your comforter. Letting what I assumed to be your scent fill my nose. I wouldn't ever know for sure, I never got to figure it out.

Your mom said that I could stay with your family and her. But I couldn't do it, I wanted to be here. With your room and your stuff. The books you always talked about, and your PC. The one and only framed picture you had of me. It was a terrible one, just one you had screenshotted of me when we had a movie night.

I don't think it's healthy of me to talk directly to you. But hey, what the hell does it matter. I know you aren't in my head, I know you cant hear me but I don't care. I have to do something to cope with.

...

I haven't left your bed in three days. I got up a few times to pee but I still haven't touched the food your mother had dropped off. She said she left it on the kitchen counter but I haven't gotten up to check.

I feel bad. She's going through it way worse than I am. She lost her baby but yet here she is still making food for her family. And I have no doubt that she took some to Sapnap and Bad before they left.

You know, the fans still don't know. That you're gone. We told them that you were stepping away, that you would be back soon. They have no clue that I won't ever see you again. Or that I turn on your videos at night so that way I don't forget what your voice sounds like. They won't have any idea until you don't ever make a video again. They won't know until I make that video telling them that you passed on January 10th, 2021. Telling them about the condition you have been fighting since you were fourteen finally won the war.

For now, ignorance is bliss.

"George, I have no right to be but I am pissed." I took another swig of my whiskey. "You left me here all alone George. I am alone." I cried cradling the bottle for comfort.

"Why did you have to leave me?" I screamed trying to take another drink but only a drop came out. I yelled again throwing the bottle on the ground. Kicking the glass shards into the water. I didn't give a shit anymore. You're gone what is there to care about?

"Fuck it. I'm joining you." I dug in my bag again, pulling out the bottle. "You can't do this to me, George."

"Hey everyone." My screen was black as I spoke. A crack in my voice. "I thought maybe we should finally talk about George's absence. It's been what? A month? I'm not sure, I lost count of the days.

"Anyway, I want you all to know. George passed away on January 10th from a disease that he's been fighting since he was a teenager. I want you all to know that on March 1st we will hold a memorial for him on the DreamSMP. It's the most we can do with all of us being in different countries but it's something important to us. Please be sure to join us."

I pretty much posted the video as it was. I rambled on for a few moments talking about times and that one person would be streaming (me) and that donos and things like that were turned off. That this would be a time specifically for George and George only. Everyone would be in the same VC and that it would be a calm hour.

It was weird. Posting a raw almost unedited video to the fans. The only part I had cut out was the seven minutes I was crying in George's gaming chair. I still hadn't left England. I should go home soon I know it.

I bought a ticket after I posted the video.

...

"Hey Everyone." I think this was the first time I had ever seen the chat so quiet. I had seen a few condolences pass by but other than that there was nothing. The chat was still. I had nearly 900K viewers and almost nothing in Chat. I don't know why, but that put a smile on my face.

We didn't really do much. We all gathered at your cottagecore mushroom hobbit hole and had a party. We were able to laugh along with our tears but it was worth it. You would've wanted this. I know you would've.

I told them we were dating. I told them how I loved you.

They were ecstatic. They were proud, but that made things even harder for everyone.

I swallowed them. The pills roughly going down my throat since I didn't have anymore whiskey to wash them down with. I could hear sirens in the distance, I would jump into the cold water soon. Just when the sleeping pills would take effect.

My vision blurred and I succumbed to sleep. Just after I felt the water bite my skin and burn against my hot face.

Lights overhead.

Flashing.

I was cold. Really cold.

I could hear my mom. She was crying. Begging me not to go.

In that moment I realized I couldn't have saved him. No matter what I had done.

George is dead.