Thank you for the reviews.
So we are back with this months edition of Same Love. And maybe something a little different. Because, even know we know that Jane and Sally are end game, doesn't mean that they are good all the time. But as the title says they are also bad at letting each other go...
Bad At Letting You Go
1991
It was strange how Jane was waiting for it. And she was. She would always be waiting for the first argument that would mean the beginning of the end of a relationship for her.
But she thought things might have been different with Sally. They had moved in together and she had been there every step of the way with getting Rachel back on track and getting her into a position that meant that Rachel could do what she always wanted to do. That was all Sally.
But helping her look after her drink dependent cousin would put a strain on their relationship. The fact that Jane was so overprotective of her cousin was going to put a strain on their relationship. The fact that, rather shamefully, Jane had told Sally to stay out of things on occasions because it wasn't for her to get involved.
And so the argument had erupted between them and it had led to a number of things that Jane had said but never meant. Like she had said about Sally's inexperience and uncertainty about being gay was holding her back and that she would always be unsure. That she was so happy about Sally being comfortable at Pride but it seemed like that was the only time that she was comfortable with her sexuality and Jane.
Jane was sure that Sally didn't mean it when she said about alienating herself from her family because of her. That she'd had an equally bad experience coming out as Jane did and that she only really had Jane, James and Rachel now. Jane wasn't sure that Sally had her any more.
"Where are you going?"
Jane placed the t-shirt in the bag before she turned to Sally, seeing the effect that her words had.
"Don't know yet. Manchester?" Jane said.
"So that's it."
Jane didn't reply. How could she? She knew that it wasn't going to be forever with Sally. There was no reason for it to be forever with Sally. Jane was just going to be Sally's first and she had to live with that. She cursed herself. Why did she always fall in love?
"So that's it, is it?" Sally said, storming over to Jane and pushing her. "What? We have one argument and you give up!"
"You don't want me, Sal," Jane said.
"Isn't that for me to decide?"
"No. Because you will. You will give up on me like everyone else has done in the past. Claire couldn't wait for me to be ready and outed me in front of my entire family. Ellie couldn't take how I was. No one can. Because you'll never understand."
"Then help me to."
Jane just shook her head, attempting to stop the tears. "It's a family thing. I never expect you to understand my family."
"Then how am I ever meant to understand?" Sally wiped her own face to clear the tears, something that Jane was stopping herself from doing. "Jane, I meant it. I meant it when I said that I love you. Didn't you?"
"Of course."
"Then why are you doing this?"
"Because you don't need me in your life," Jane whispered.
"What if I do?"
"A beautiful girl like you. You could have any girl you liked."
"What if I want you?"
"I can't for the life of me think why."
"Then I wish… I wish you could see yourself as I see you. The overprotective cousin that is just trying to stop her cousin from being exploited again. The rather selfless lover who is trying to teach me how we can have sex. And the overprotectiveness… Don't you think I am glad that you are protective? Because I am so naive to all this. I need someone who will protect me."
Their argument didn't seem to matter as Jane cupped Sally's face and kissed her. It was rather sloppy and desperate as Sally moved them so that Jane was sitting on the bed with Sally straddling her lap. And with Sally kissing down her jaw and neck, it did seem like it could be the first time that Sally gave back, with Jane wanting to tell her that she didn't have to.
"Jane. Sally." Rachel said moments before she entered the room and quickly left. "Fine. I'm going out for an hour."
"Rachel," Jane said as Sally stopped.
"No, it's fine. I'll go around the block." Rachel shouted as she ran down the stairs and it wasn't long after that they heard the front door close.
Jane couldn't stop herself from laughing and Sally joined her in that laughter and Jane wrapped her arms around Sally's waist and held her close to her.
"So we have an hour," Jane said.
"Jane… can we not give this up? We don't have to give up at the first hurdle. I don't think we should give up at the first hurdle."
"You'll get sick of me at some point."
"Well, let me decide when that is," Sally said before she kissed Jane again.
1994
Sally knew that there were times where Jane just didn't think about what she was saying. And Sally knew that she never meant to offend. But after a crap day at work and her being a witness to a suicide rather than being able to talk the guy down, the last thing she needed to come home to was Jane in an awful mood over something that happened at her work.
Sally wasn't listening to Jane's rant which Jane had taken offence to and said something that had made Sally say something back and they had argued.
It was why Sally was sitting in their spare bedroom, her chin resting on her knees and her arms kept them in place. And it was the first time that she thought that she shouldn't be with Jane.
The light knock didn't help nor did the bed dipping as Rachel joined her.
"Are you okay?" Rachel asked.
"No."
"Bad day?"
"I didn't need to come home to argue with Jane."
Rachel gave her a small smile before she moved to sit next to her, holding out her hand for Sally to take.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Rachel said.
Sally took her hand and rested her head on Rachel's shoulder. "I couldn't save them."
"How do you mean?"
"Call about a man on a bridge. I tried to talk him down. I tried to save him. He kept saying that it could be fixed that everything had gone wrong. He was in the middle of a nasty divorce and his ex wouldn't let him see the kids and he just… he just couldn't see any other way. And I couldn't get him to do that. M-m-maybe I'm not the copper that I thought I was."
"Hey, hey. Of course, you are. It's what I am learning, Sally. You can't win them all and you… you try and focus on the ones that you do win. Like me. You won with me."
"I did think that you were high risk that night."
"Well, I wasn't going to do that again."
"I didn't know that."
"I slapped you, didn't I?"
"You did. Never told Jane about that."
"Arrested for assaulting a police officer."
"I am glad I arrested you."
"I am glad that you were going out with Jane."
"It was the reason she was back in London. It was only because we were in the same bar on the same night."
"And it started with a kiss," Jane said.
Sally raised her head and Rachel had turned to Jane as well. There was probably no tellings about how much Jane had heard but it obviously had been enough for her to break their conversation.
"I'm sorry, Sally." Jane continued. "I should have realised. I should have known that you weren't yourself tonight. What I was ranting about seems tiny in comparison to what you must be going through."
"It is part of the job," Sally said.
"But then you should be able to come home to me to be comforted."
Sally didn't really register Jane moving until her girlfriend had almost rugby tackled her into a hug, with Rachel making a quick escape.
"At least wait for me to get to my room!" Rachel shouted before there was a door slamming shut.
Sally let out a small laugh before rearranging how they were, tucking herself underneath Jane's chin, curling into her chest.
"I am sorry, Sal," Jane said, pressing a kiss into her hair.
"I just felt like I couldn't burden you with it as well."
"Yes, you can. I want to know. I want to help."
Sally just snuggled more into Jane's chest and she knew that they would be okay. They just needed to talk it out again later, when they weren't both emotional. Because that was when they would be more logical and be able to get through it.
2002
Jane knew that she had really done it this time. So much so that she felt sick and couldn't sleep. She was waiting for Sally to come back from her night shift to tell her that she had taken it too far this time. That this was one argument that they couldn't get over. And Jane hated herself for lashing out. For slapping Sally. She hadn't lashed out like that for years. Why now?
Jane didn't care if she was late for work or if she didn't even turn up now. She had probably destroyed the best thing that ever happened to her and she couldn't believe that she did it. She knew that Sally was good for her. Why had she lashed out?
It was probably the only good thing about Rachel moving out. She wasn't there to witness what went on and she wasn't there to see Jane moping around about it. She was sure that Rachel would be horrified by her action.
The key slotting into the front door made Jane jump off the bottom step of the stairs and she waited as the lock clicked to let Sally into the house. As always, she looked exhausted after her night shift and Jane wondered whether she wanted the chat.
"Sally?" Jane said, softly.
"Go to work, Jane."
"No. Not…"
"For fucks sake. Go to work. You can piss about and have a conscience later. You can't lose that fucking job as it might be the only thing you have left."
"Please, Sal…"
Sally made a move to walk past her, probably to go up the stairs to either sleep or pack. Jane just had to know that it was to go and sleep.
"Sal," Jane said, catching her arm. "Just… tell me you will still be here when I get home. I get it. I've fucked up badly. Just please, can you be here for when I get home?"
Sally pulled her arm out of her grip. "I don't know. You'll have to see."
Jane had to swallow down the bile that rose in her and she knew that she had to do what Sally said and just go to work. She just prayed that Sally would be home when she got home.
"Sally?" Rachel said, sitting down opposite her in the cafe. "What's wrong?"
"This is actually a bad idea."
"No, it's not. Not when you look so upset."
Sally hadn't been able to sleep. She had gone back home with the thought that she could pack a bag and spend a couple of days away from Jane. Their fights only seemed to be getting worse and she had never expected Jane to slap her. Was that the final nail in the coffin?
"We argued. Again." Sally said.
"But you always make up."
"I don't know whether we can this time."
"Sally, what happened?"
Sally found herself closing her eyes and shaking her head. "No, you're her cousin. I shouldn't ask you to get in the middle of it."
"Sally, what happened?" Rachel said as a hand landed on her arm.
Sally wiped away her tears with her free hand before she looked at Rachel. "Her parents? How were their parents?"
"Auntie Grace and Uncle Miles always seemed so in love. But I don't know what happened behind closed doors."
"Jane slapped me."
"She what?!" Rachel was speechless for a moment. "Do you want to come and live with me for a couple of days?"
"I don't know what I want to do. I sent her off to work this morning and she asked me whether I would still be at home when she got back and I told her that she will have to see. Rachel, I can always crash in the police accommodation."
"No. You are coming to live with me. You are as much my family as Jane is. You will always be welcomed at mine."
"Even if we split up over this."
"I… I don't want to make excuses for her but it could have just been in the heat of the moment. I'm not saying that it was acceptable because it isn't. But I am sure she didn't mean it and I bet she regretted it the moment it happened."
"But isn't it how that starts? One hit turns into two and before I know it I am stuck in some abusive relationship."
Sally could tell that Rachel didn't want to see her cousin in that light. It was hard for herself to see Jane in that way but she was sure that most people didn't enter an abusive relationship because they knew that it was going to be an abusive relationship. They were nice until they turned horrible. Was that Jane?
"Then have some space." Rachel said. "Come and live with me for a bit and we will see how it goes from there."
Sally didn't want to take Rachel's offer but she did. Because she was sure that being with someone that was like a sister to her was better than being in a house of people that were trained to be both homophobic and racists.
Rachel grabbed her keys off the side and pushed Jane back as she closed the door to her flat behind her.
"Please, Rachel, I just need to talk to her," Jane said.
"I think you need to give her a couple of days."
"No. No. No. Rachel. I need to talk to her. I need to clear the air."
"Jane, don't make this harder than it already is." Rachel sighed. "Look, she came to me, worried about what had happened and whether your relationship was going to turn abusive. And I can't blame her. I know you were… a little confrontational when we were younger but… I thought that wasn't you anymore."
"It isn't Rachel. I honestly didn't mean it. I've felt sick all day. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. Fuck, I've just gone and destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Then give her a couple of days to realise that. Jane, please. This is the only time that she is going to need the time to think over what happened and decide whether she wants to come back to you. How many times have you allowed yours to be a safe haven for me to work out if I was still into a relationship? I, personally, don't want you to lose her. I am hoping that this way, you won't."
Rachel felt like she had got through to Jane, with her looking like she was going to finally leave to let Sally think about. That was when Sally came out of her flat and followed Jane. Rachel wished that she was making it up but she wasn't.
"Jane… I just can't be second-guessing you." Sally said, stopping Jane from leaving.
"I know. And I am so so sorry. You are one of the last people I would want to hurt. I honestly don't know what happened last night and... I know that I am not the best girlfriend at times but you do make me want to be a better person."
Rachel rolled her eyes. Honestly, they were going to be the death of her. They couldn't even spend 24 hours apart.
"Sally," Rachel said, trying to get her to do as they planned earlier.
It was clear that Sally had forgiven Jane for what happened and being at Rachel's wasn't what she wanted deep down. But Sally did step away from Jane and made her way back to Rachel's flat with Rachel putting an arm around her shoulders to make sure she walked in.
"Rachel, are you sure we need time?" Sally said.
"Yes, trust me, a couple of days isn't going to hurt."
Rachel rolled her eyes again, knowing that both Jane and Sally were bad at letting each other go. Maybe they were just meant to be and Rachel hoped that she would find someone like that one day.