"Two bullhead rides?"
The chart does not lie. There are indeed two rides on this trip, one into Mantle, and another, more expensive one straight up to Atlas. He's got the Lien for it, but there goes pretty much his entire day… and all for what? Some bath he doesn't even need, and then something dumb is going to happen and then he'll probably get karate-chopped off of Atlas or whatever.
...Okay, that one won't happen, but Jaune's mind is running through all the FUN possibilities that could be had over at the manor. At least the bath will be the most luxurious one he will ever have. And maybe he'll get to be an official guest, getting to eat some exquisite Atlas cuisine? Nah, probably not…
He'll have to ask Weiss about tha- wait!
The hell is he thinking about food for? Now's the best chance he has to make things… well, tolerable at least with Weiss. Now with a mission, his mind and body straighten out, and he is prepared to take this challenge head-on. As if on cue, the first bullhead arrives, and Jaune rolls on in with confidence unparalleled.
Before he knows it, the doors close and the plane lifts off, bound for the most gritty city in all of Solitas.
Jaune runs his hands through his pockets, rummaging around for several seconds until they finally land on the one thing guaranteed to keep his mind busy throughout this whole adventure.
"Phew. Thank god I still have Diamond-Man." With his eyes focused, time isn't really a pressing concern at the moment. He pays no mind toward watching the sun rise over the sky, doesn't even look to see how small all those houses and things look from all the way up here. It's just him and the rest of the comic.
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One bullhead ride later…
Jaune steps off the bullhead, planning to take a nice look around the city, maybe find somewhere to stop and eat real quick, take a fe-
…
"Uhhhhhh…."
The city, to put it lightly, sucks. There is something just… off about this place. The colors are all muted, the people just look a little… dead inside. The nearest major point of interest is a bar. That is followed up by another bar. A few blocks down from that are the sounds of a bustling factory. He's got a good bet on who works in those, but he's not crazy enough to say it out loud.
"First time, isn't it." A faunus that he does not know the name of taps him on the shoulder.
"Uh… Yeah. I'm just here to go to Atlas."
"Lucky fuck." He turns away and walks off toward the city, vanishing into the crowd in little more than a second.
"Errrr…" A lightbulb goes off in his head as he realizes just how much his shiny white armor and blonde hair sticks out in this place. This is crueler than a Grimm, but he cannot wait to get up to Atlas, which he can see a tether to just to his right. He steps back to get a better view and holy hell.
It looks like a utopia up there. Not a single speck of trash can be seen. Kids are just frolicking up there as if the Grimm are just some fairy tale.
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*screee* The bullhead arrives, stopping any potential thought-provoking realizations about the disparity between the two kingdoms or whatnot dead in their tracks. He goes to get on the first step but is stopped by the driver putting her hand out.
"What is your name, sir?"
"Jaune Arc."
She moves her eyes slightly to the right, checking what is almost certainly a list of some kind.
"You may enter."
He rolls on with an extra spring in his step, the bullhead swiftly closing behind him.
This ride is less than five minutes, so there's not even a point to bringing the comic out. All he does is go check his texts for anything special, and finding nothing. He tries to refocus his mind on what to do for his… uh…
Jaune brings out his fingers to count, despite this being one of the easiest math problems there could be.
...third first impression with Weiss, but something's always gotta screw with him, doesn't it…
...
He puts up the now freshly-filled vomit bag down on the ground, careful to avoid contaminating the otherwise pristine atmosphere that this ride is so good at providing. But he can not properly bask in it before the sounds of landing gear cut in and ruin the excellence, one of the few mistakes that Atlas has yet to fix.
Jaune walks down the sparking aisle, bag in tow, and deposits said bag into the trash container, the only place that can contain the filth his body so rudely introduced into this world. As his hands work their magic, he looks back to where he was just sitting, only to find no evidence he was ever there. No butt-print, not a single speck of dirt, not a single blond hair gently resting on the surface, nothing. How the hell is tha-
"Have a nice day!"
And almost like the snap of a finger, that chain of thought explodes into a zillion pieces. Oh well. Wasn't important anyway.
His body moves without conscious thought, going down the steps and into a green circle, with the blades of grass cut perfectly even. Only now can he truly appreciate the wonders of Atlas. Everything looks absolutely stunning. The sheer amount of open space is the first thing on his mind. Instead of blacks filled almost to the edge with squarish buildings, instead the building seem to take on any shape they want, with more greenery all too happy to fill in the gaps. And of course, the air is better than anything his lungs have ever touched before, with an almost unnaturally clean feeling. No wonder people and Faunus alike call it the peak of civilization…
Jaune's mind screams at him to explore this land in its entirety, not only for the boundless enjoyment it is sure to bring, but also to confirm that this place can in fact exist, and this is not some sort of impossible dream that will be ripped away from his senses at the slightest disturbance. But today's not that day. He brings up the text from earlier, and copies the address straight into the GPS app, waiting for the all-important yellow road to show him the way. It only takes a few milliseconds. Wow, that's a lot of left turns. But, more importantly, it's only 25 minutes away on foot. Very manageable. And thus, his walk begins. I could go on for another while about how good Atlas is and such, but you probably don't want that. I bet you are just craving for me to get to the point. Onward to the "funny" stuff!
ˉˉˉˉˉˉ
"Yep, definitely it."
One might think Jaune would be surprised at the look of this mansion, but in reality, he knew exactly what it was from many, many feet out. It's white. Really white. Whiter than snow, whiter than his armor, more while than a pixel with all three color values set to 255. It's so white that the word "white" doesn't even need to have a definition anymore, one can just replace it with a picture of the front of this massive building. It's real goddamn white.
Jaune's white ass walks up the white path, moving along past the white fountain with the generic, yet powerful white snowflake emblem that seems to pop up everywhere in this whitish town. The white in his eyes fades away as he encounters a white guard at the front gate that is wearing a white uniform, perfectly complementing his white, frazzled hair.
"State your business here!"
"I was invited here by Winter Schnee. My name is Jaune Arc."
His white eyebrows crinkle for a white-hot second, as he presumably rifles through his brain looking for a reason for this random white person to be present at this white fortress.
"Ah yes, Jaune. I will get a guard to show you the way. Just white here for a moment."
The white guard's white eyes gesture over to the white door, which is completely flat, save for two white doorknobs at the center, which Jaune's eyes immediately gravitate towards.
While Jaune's eyes are staring at the white, the guard that is decked out in white takes out his white scroll and uses his white fingers to press a single white button on the bright-white screen.
Jaune looks up to the sky, only to notice a white cloud blocking the sun halfway. This puts his mind on yet another tangent, for now there is something he just has to know, a single factoid that his mind is just begging to be true.
"Hey, can you tell me what your name is real fast?"
"James White."
Jaune can almost hear the cheering in his mind, probably accompanied by white confetti. That guy better not have had any other last name. The white doors open to reveal yet another white person dressed in… a black suit? Wait a minute, what the hell is this!
"Hello Mr. Arc. Follow me." His white hand gestures into the main hall of the manor, which- HOLY SHIT IT'S FUCKING WHITE!
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...
*clears throat* No more white. I can't even look at the word now.
He enters the massive room, only to be assaulted. ...with some of the most pleasing smells that he has ever sensed. There is too many for his feeble nose to discern what is what. He almost instinctively runs toward the pleasure center, but logic catches up with him at the last second, keeping his feet firmly in lockstep with his chaperone.
The two quickly come up to a locked door, which Klein quickly stops right beside.
"Your guest has arrived. Are you ready, Mrs. Schnee?"
A low clink just barely makes it through the door, before Willow responds.
"Yes. Bring him in Klein, if you please."
Klein does the honors, shoving the key perfectly into the lock and flinging the door open.
The bright colors and succulent selections on display assault his mind like a cavalry charge. He's not prepared. Not even close. The charge turns into a quick rout, one so overwhelming that his thoughts quickly become disjointed and incoherent. His body turns to jello as his legs betray him, taking him down to the floor with an unremarkable *bloomph*.
"Take him to his chair." Willow smiles slightly at Jaune's unwilling display of satisfaction.
"Right away, ma'am."
Klein pulls up a fancy chair, every square inch full of intricate patterning, and sits the quite plain by comparison huntsman down onto it. He moves a bit away, making sure to not look intrusive, and waits.
Seconds pass, and Jaune has still not recovered. This begins to ruin Willow's smiling face. How is she going to do any wooing with him down for the count? And to the food of all things! That was supposed to be the easy part!
Some blond locks rustling in her eyesight put an end to that spiral. Willow returns to her "presenter" pose as Jaune's brain staggers back to Atlas.
"W-w-w-w-w-" The molecular cavalry continues to storm. It takes a significant amount of time for him to even form one complete word, never mind a sentence. But acclimation gradually tightens to an iron grip, eventually returning to him the gift of normal English.
"*huff huff* Jesus Christ Willow… why so much food?"
And that is an understatement. This is a full on buffet; There's breaded chicken, a complete turkey, some pie, gelatin, tacos... Even some trimmings of the fancier variety too, such as filet mignon, tiramisu, and a sensationally seasoned escargot… That doesn't even scratch the surface of just what's available for Jaune to drool over.
"Why, you are one of our esteemed guests! Us Schnees wouldn't treat ones such as yourself with anything but the utmost respect. Now, please try some food before it gets cold!"
Her eyes trying to bore into him leave no room for disagreement. After scanning through the selection once more, he decides to stick his spoon into the gelatin first. As soon as the bouncy dessert crosses into his mouth he nearly crashes again, but the cool, gentle texture acts like a perfect calming agent, boosting his senses to allow him to avoid another fainting spell. Jaune's spoon barely has time to rest before being picked up and filled up with more. And more. And-
"Jaune, are you sure you want to eat this quickly?"
He doesn't respond, instead respectfully pairing the gelatin with an appetizer of an exquisite Caesar's Salad. Not that it really matters to Jaune, who has almost turned into a black hole with how fast and how indiscriminately he is eating.
Willow is now trying to salvage any sense of order from this display. This is not at all how this was supposed to go. The real plan was very simple!
1. Offer up some food to get him interested
2. Lead him into a bath so spe-
*THUNK*
Her thoughts are interrupted by a proud display of a now completely barren gelatin bowl.
-a bath so special that he would never want to leave
3. Offer to have him stay as a "bodyguard"!
But that straight-forward line is being turned into an impossible tangle at the hands of one blond who is eating like it is his last meal. The heaping portions of food are vanishing into thin air, and it's not going to be long before everything is picked clean. But how is Willow ever going to get him to stop? She takes a look over at him, and that Schnee professionalism almost shatters in an instant. Six different selections of sustenance are struggling to share space on the standard-sized saucer. The plate is put together haphazardly, with food mixing together left and right. Willow knew he wasn't going to be prim and proper, but this?
This!?
"Jaune Arc!" It is out before her brain can stop herself and properly think about her next moves.
He looks up from his binge to see Willow desperately trying, but failing to hide her annoyance, with her mouth curled in obvious dissatisfaction.
"D-did I do something improper? I'm not really used to any-"
"YES! You were supposed to enjoy your food!"
"I did enjoy it, ma'am. This is the best food I have ever tasted."
"That is not what I meant by 'Enjoy', Mr. Arc. You were supposed to appreciate the fine details of what the Schnee family has prepared for you."
Jaune's mouth drops open as his brain finally puts together what Willow is getting at. Her foreboding stature nearly scares him into silence, but he steels some of his willpower to put up a proper response.
"You're right. I am so sorry for eating it that fast. It just smelled so good, I couldn't help myself, and I just ate."
"You don't need to tell me that. We are done here for now. Klein, get this man to the bath."
...Oh yeah, he's been standing just feet from the pair this entire time. He moves toward Jaune's right side, waiting for him to rise from his seat. After a couple seconds, the huntsman stands up and waits to be led once more.
"Right this way, sir." Klein starts walking. Jaune quickly follows behind, turning his back to the delicacies that he was quite enjoying before the experience was cut so tragically short.
Now, he is only left to think of what might have been. And how many pounds he would have gained.
There's no telling how many of what look to be the exact same hallways he has traversed during this walk. Of course, there are some picture changes every once in a while, but these sections still do not give off any impression of 'diversity'. Klein, somehow, knows this maze like the back of his hand. He leads Jaune down to a door that looks like all the others, save for a single inscription of the word "Bathroom" on the front in golden lettering.
"Right here, sir."
Jaune follows Klein's outstretched hand straight into the room. His eyes bug out as he sees just how clean this is. Just the sink alone reduces the Beacon dorms to an unclean pigsty, and even dwarfs the careful work of Saphron from yesterday. The mirror is almost painfully reflective, showing him off in all of his armored glory. But that mirror rears its reputation quite fast, as it also shows off the smattering of food particles that form a ring around his lips. But other than that, there really isn't a speck of anything else on him. His armor is shiny, his hair is unflinchingly monotone, there's no sweat stains or indeed any other stains…
So why even use the bath? It would be wasteful to use up water supplies on something unnecessary like this. Despite how good it looks… and despite the fact that this would normally be a requirement to continue the story… the bathtub will remain virgin for today. But not the sink. Jaune's fingers have already dived into it, grabbing some water to swipe at the food crumbs. The multicolored remnants are no match for the power of friction, as they get brushed aside like specks of dust, falling into the sink with ease. Jaune checks himself again. A single red blob remains stubborn, probably from some of that pasta he gorged himself on earlier. He uses the simple washcloth to take this one out. After one last look-over, Jaune's eyes and mind can both officially agree: this face is clean.
One quick dabbing of a washcloth later, he walks out of the porcelain realm. Klein stands just feet outside, his hands the embodiment of courtesy, linked together in wait. His eyes show a look of surprise when Jaune comes into view.
"Already done, sir?"
"Yep… didn't really need it, so I wanted to not waste anything."
"Understandable. I assume you want to go back to Mrs. Schnee, yes?"
Jaune nods.
"Alright, follow me then."
While Jaune is backtracking through the manor maze, Willow is trying her absolute hardest to remain sane.
"Damn this boy! Why must he be so… so… ggggggggh!"
She really wants to nab this guy… but holy hell, how hard can this be?
Alright, he'll just take a bath, and then he'll be so amazed at the scenery that he'll ask to s-
Footsteps break her concentration. The door opens, and the fringes of a black suit come into view. Klein moves farther along, clearing the way for Jaune to walk into the opening, just as blond as everyone knows him.
"A-
Willow mind is doing somersaults, but she bites her tongue (not literally, but it wouldn't be a stretch) and cuts herself off for now. After some silence, she is finally calmed down enough to try speaking again.
…...done already?"
"Yes, Mrs. Schnee."
"How did you like the bathroom?"
"It was nice. I only used the sink though."
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"...You only used… the sink?"
"Yep. I didn't need to clean myself off much, so I didn't waste the water."
Willow is in shock. This was not in the universe of possibilities. With any plan she could have had now rendered obsolete, she eventually settles on sending him off.
"I think that this meeting is over, Arc. It was very ...interesting… to say the least, but there is no more to be gained from continuing. You may leave now."
"Wait! I need to at least talk to Weiss. She hasn't talked to anyone in days!"
Willow stares at him for a moment, then goes into thought. Jaune is feeling like he is in the Roman Colosseum right now, about to get voted down and probably slain.
There's a prolonged period of complete silence. One could hear a pin drop. In fact, Jaune would really like to be hearing a pin drop right about now, as the lack of a response is getting more unnerving by the second. It gets so long that he just about starts to leave anyway, but a sharp breath puts his focus back straight on her.
"Alright. You may see her. But DO NOT do anything unbecoming to her, or even all the military might in Atlas will not be able to save you." She does not say anything this time, only pointing outside with her left hand. Klein takes the cue, clearing his throat in preparation for what could possibly be Jaune's final walk.
Will Jaune get turned into blond-tinted ice cubes? Or will he somehow live thanks to plot armor? Will I ever shut the fuck up?! (No.) Find out in the last gasp of this spiraling adventure...
I'm calling food smells Molecular Cavalry huh? Whatever brain…
This was supposed to be a reverse "sugar daddy" sort of scenario, but I realized that I wasn't interested in writing the whole offering part, so this happened instead. Of course I have to throw my own spin on everything because that's just how my mind is. This chapter took quite a while to write, as I'm rapidly losing motivation because of depression, and another fic to be written sparking some completely different ideas. Luckily there is only one more chapter to go. I think y'all know which one it will be.
Also if you know what the title is referencing, you are…️...️... totallyuninteresting.