A/N: God I hate ff net formatting sometimes. I hope this is the final time I have to upload this chapter! I'm not 100% sold on it so please tell me what you think. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise
The next morning, instead of running our usual laps around the training room, Four took us out into the city. It felt so good to be out of the compound, feeling the sun on my skin. After living basically underground for almost two weeks, it was a nice change to run around the city. We ran in between old, fallen structures, through streets filled with children from both Abnegation and Erudite factions. I tried my best not to be so tense as we ran past my old faction, trying to focus on the positives.
Me, Chris, Sarah and Matthew made up the middle group, happy not to completely exert ourselves while Paul, Tony and the others were in front. I could see Paul glancing back at me every so often, a dark look on his face. It would maybe have shaken me before, but his black eyes shone in the sun and it was rather a funny sight to see. Tara was dragging along behind us; she had stayed firmly at the bottom of the ranking, and was most likely not going to survive the first stage.
I swallowed a lump in my throat at the thought, feeling bad for the girl who hadn't done anything wrong other than maybe choosing the wrong faction. I thought about what it would be like in her shoes, and knew that as hard as it was, I had to keep my head up and keep going for myself.
My legs were burning by the time we took a quick stop near Main Street, an empty main road surrounded by unused and decrepit buildings. We could see a few factionless people milling around in the shadows, but Four assured us they weren't a problem, not in such a small group. A patrol car had followed us up the street, watching closely at the factionless. The soldiers caught my eye and I gazed at them in awe; I had never paid much attention to the work of Dauntless, though I knew some of the positions available for us to choose from after Initiation was over. The Dauntless piled out of the truck, dressed head to toe in black, polished boots shining and dark caps on their heads to block out the sun. They just seemed so amazing, and so far out of reach.
"Like what you see?"
Matthew came to stand next to me, panting slowly. I turned back from him to watch as the soldiers went towards the factionless; their guns were strapped to their belts or around their backs, but they didn't seem like they meant the people harm. They tried moving them along, since there were only three of them, towards another street.
"Where are they taking them?" I asked him. Matthew turned to watch them like me. "There's a building a few streets away where the Abnegation go to give help to the factionless. Food, clothes, a little medical attention," he said.
"What do you want to do after Initiation?" I asked. He shrugged.
"I haven't given it much thought. I suppose it's best not to hope for something before we know what stage two and three is like. Four says I'd be good for patrol," he mused. I nodded, agreeing with Four. Matthew was an excellent marksman, and seemed quick on his feet when we sparred in training from what I had seen. He was also nice, and if these patrolmen were anything to go by, I thought he'd fit in nicely.
"What about you Cain?"
"I don't know," I replied. "Four keeps saying he thinks I'm going to do well in the fights next week, but my other scores aren't great. I'm trying not to think about stage two, whatever mental stuff they'll put us through. Doubt I'll even be good enough for the wall."
We ended up at the wall later that day, after we had run the route back to the compound. Since stage one was about to officially start, Four wanted to show us an example of a job that we could get in Dauntless, but it was considered to be one for those who ranked quite low. I could kind of see why; we were on a stretch of wall near Dauntless, overlooking the Amity fields. It would have been nice to stay there, in the sun and just watching the grass sway in the crisp breeze, but just being there for an hour and walking around was enough for me. I watched as the guards on duty just seemed to zone out as they looked around, and despite my earlier misgivings about my future at Dauntless, I decided that maybe this wouldn't be the path for me if I survived.
I asked Four about it that night, after seeing him at The Basement again. He wasn't too happy with me for coming by myself, but since he had been the one to introduce me to it, he didn't mention anything. His eyes just showed his annoyance. We walked towards the chasm, the crashing water blocking out the noises of life at night in Dauntless.
"How did you know you wanted to go into Intelligence?"
He sighed, looking away from me.
"I preferred it over what was offered to me," he said, giving nothing away. I scrunched up my brows, frowning in confusion. It didn't hurt to move my face too much after the incident with Paul, but I could still feel the little scabs stretching as I moved my face.
"What does that mean?"
"It means," he started. "Those who rank in top five or higher get first pick. First usually gets offered leadership. I chose against it, so they gave it to Eric. Despite him being, well himself, Eric suits it more than I ever would."
"I disagree," I replied quickly. "Sure, Eric's loud and intimidating and that suits Dauntless, but it's not always a good thing."
Four took a minute to think my words over. "What do you have in mind for yourself?"
I ran a hand through my hair, enjoying when my fingers went from the curly strands to short, buzzed hair.
"I don't think I could stand still for days on end watching the wall, or sitting and staring at computers. Maybe…" I trailed off. "Maybe patrol. It seems cool," I finished lamely.
Four nodded. "It would suit you. I've seen how you help Sarah out a lot, and normally the transfers don't mix with the Dauntless-born. This year has been a change for that."
I was glad he agreed with me, though I knew that he had meant to say something else as well. That the only way I would get patrol would be if I ranked high enough, and right now I wasn't anywhere close. As usual after my conversations with Four, I thought about it for days, the ideas drifting into my nightmares.
One started recurring every day from then until the day the fights started; of me, ranking so low that there was nothing for me to do in Dauntless, being shunned and cast out, screaming at them to take me in. It haunted me, the idea that I still wouldn't be good enough, and every night until the Monday our stage one would officially start, I went to The Basement, practising the movements in unlit, empty corridors so Eric wouldn't catch me. I hadn't seen him since that night in the training room, and when I brought it up to Four, he had said that Eric was busy with meetings in Erudite. I tried not to think how weird it was to not see him for so long, how it didn't matter to me and at least I could concentrate on making sure I would not fail my fights in the days before them.
I took my usual nightly shower the night before, and this time I didn't force myself to not think about the tall, chiselled leader with glinting grey eyes.
I awoke with a start, panting and covered with cold sweat. Pushing my palms into my eyes, I forced the images from my nightmare away as best I could, feeling my stomach churn. Every time I thought my nightmares had gone away, they came back full force. They had started with the rifle training and had morphed with my anxiety over the fights that were starting that morning.
It was pitch black in the dorms, everyone around me sleeping soundly. I fumbled around in the dark for my training clothes and my watch I had bought with some of my points a few days before. The tiny, black hands showed it was just after five in the morning, and I inwardly groaned at the thought of waiting around for hours for the day to begin.
Sarah had mentioned at dinner the evening before that she wouldn't train with me in the mornings for these next two weeks, hoping to get as much rest in as possible, so I would be on my own this morning. I took a quick shower, feeling even more naked and exposed without my friend nearby, and changed into a long, sleeved black shirt and thick leggings. As much as I hated the feeling of the material against my skin, highlighting every bit of my body that stuck out, I knew I would need comfortable clothes that I could move around in.
I tied up my hair into a bun at the top of my head; I would need a haircut soon, if I managed to survive the fights. The marks Paul had left on my face were non-existent now, and thinking back to that moment and how I felt seeing the blood drip down his face calmed my stomach slightly, as morbid as that thought was.
I tiptoed out of the dorm in my running shoes and started on a slow jog down the corridor. Dauntless was still asleep - as I should have been - but it was nice to see the place so calm. Even in Erudite, people would have been up by now, running on nothing but caffeine and desperation to complete whatever task or project they were doing. The silence was good for my hammering heart, and by the time I came to a stop by the chasm, I had forgotten about my chilling nightmare.
I leaned over the railings, watching the water froth towards the bottom, the sounds of it slapping against the rocks oddly calming. Johnny and the other Dauntless-born had told us stories of people jumping off, whether they were old, sick or just wanting to end their life. I couldn't imagine being old in Dauntless; but I couldn't imagine hating everything here so much to the point I wanted it to end. Despite the terror I had felt here, the gruelling nature of training and certain people here, I couldn't have imagined my life any different. Life underground, in these cold caves, was a million times better than anything I could have ever expected for myself, especially in Erudite. Thinking of that brought my nightmare back to me, memories with my parents I tried every day to forget. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep, the freshness of the water cascading below me wafting up and filling my lungs. You'd think the water underground would smell disgusting, but to me it was the best thing ever.
"I hope you're not thinking of going over before the fights even begin."
Eric's voice shook me out of my thoughts and back to reality. Leaning back, I looked at him over my shoulder. I had never seen him without his trademark leader's jacket on, the high collar hiding the tendrils of the black tattoo that was crawling up both sides of his neck and down below the collar of his shirt. I wondered what the cloth was hiding, and had to mentally shake the image out of my head.
"Just came here to think," I replied. His eyes, dark in the chasm, stayed hard and unreadable.
He crossed the space between us, the sound of his boots echoing around us. He was dressed simply, in a pair of grey cargo trousers that were tight against his muscled legs, and a black t-shirt. It was the simplest I'd ever seen him, and yet he still managed to look intimidating.
He stopped next to me, looking out over the water like I had before he found me. He never once glanced my way, and it was irritating that I had noticed that.
"There's nothing much to think about," his gravelly voice said. "You either win or you lose. Show us how Dauntless you think you are."
"You say that like it's easy," I said, reminded of the time I had said the same thing to Four about ignoring Eric. Here I was, ignoring that advice.
He huffed in response, leaning his arms over the railings, pushing out his body to relax into the pose and I found it hard to tear my eyes away from him. The sides of his head that were shaved almost glinted in the light reflected off the water, the light sandy colour more prominent on the longer waves slicked back. Despite the fact I was determined to hate him - and for good reason - I couldn't deny the fact he was incredibly attractive. More so than any of the guys in the Initiate class, or even any I had seen around Dauntless.
"It is easy," he replied, bringing me out of my thoughts once again. "Or at least, it's easy for those that are meant to be here."
He finally turned to look at me, his face steeled and emotionless. His eyes looked deep into my soul; I had never thought grey was such a beautiful colour before.
"Are you? Meant to be here?"
"I didn't have a home before I came here," I said, my voice smooth and confident, the complete opposite to what I felt inside. For some reason I felt like I had to persuade him, beg him to see that I belonged. I needed someone to validate that for me, that I was good enough. "Dauntless is my home, and I'd do anything to keep it that way."
"Anything?" he said, his voice so low I could barely hear it. He had cocked an eyebrow when he had spoken, the two studs moving like a second pair of eyes, watching me closely. I felt a shiver run up my spine and my cheeks heat up. Eric's lip twitched at the corner, almost like he was smirking. He walked away, like he always seemed to when we were together alone, and it took me longer than I would ever want to process the fact that Eric had almost found it amusing that he had made me blush. It didn't make me feel weak, or nervous, showing him my vulnerability. It made me feel oddly excited. His almost-smirk, he had enjoyed creating that dusting of rosy-red on my cheeks.
I stayed at the chasm until my hands were almost frozen to the metal railings, and followed the loud sounds and voices to the mess hall where Dauntless was beginning to wake up. I made sure to pick things I would actually eat that morning, knowing that I would feel nervous and sick later but would regret it if I didn't eat. Maybe, I thought, if I did well today, I would allow myself a piece of cake later to celebrate. I felt good about that, the thought of treating myself with food. It didn't make me feel self-conscious, or anxious.
My good mood seemed to be the odd one out at the table once my friends had arrived.
"Why are you so giddy this morning?" Chris asked, slumping against the table. Matthew joined him with a grunt, Sarah following suit.
"How are you even happy and awake? What time did you even get up? I swear I woke up at some point and you were gone," she said.
I sent Johnny, Mal and Jason a wave at the Dauntless-born table, for once staying with their group. They must have been nervous as well, I thought.
"I had a nightmare, so I went for a run and just sat by the chasm for a while," I said in between bites of toast. "It wasn't so bad, I feel pretty good for today."
I conveniently left out my conversation with Eric; it seemed private somehow, and my friends would probably be more concerned about the fact I survived a one-on-one with the fearless leader than on how he acted towards me.
"Well that makes one of us," Matthew whined. "How do you think they'll sort out the matches?"
"River mentioned that they put you against your opposite, to see how you'd do in an unfair fight or something," Sarah said.
"I doubt that, that sounds almost like murder/suicide, no offence Cain," Matthew said with a mouth full of food. I wiped a crumb off my arm and frowned at him.
"What do you mean, 'no offence'? Pretty sure without a gun I could take you."
"We'll just have to see," he winked. "Wanna bet on it?"
"I bet", I drawled, "If we end up fighting, if I win you have to give me your bed sheet and your nice fleece jacket you got the other day."
"That's a lame bet," Chris snorted. I whacked him on the arm. "Hey! It's freezing in the dorms! Just cause you guys can deal with the cold doesn't mean everyone else can," I pouted.
"Okay! And if I win, you have to get a tattoo of a heart with an 'M' in it," he grinned wickedly. I sighed, rubbing my forehead. My mood was slowly plummeting but I stuck my hand out and we shook on the bet. I hoped we weren't going to be paired up today; Matthew's grin was throwing me off.
"Guys," came a voice behind us. Four was standing there, stoic as ever. "Round everyone up, Eric wants everyone in the training room in five."
My stomach did a massive flip like the organ was riding its own rollercoaster; we collected the rest of the transfer initiates; the Dauntless must have been doing something else that morning, wishing us good luck as they walked out of the mess hall. I thought back to what Four had said, that the transfers and Dauntless-born didn't usually mix. I hoped I'd survive the day to see my friends at dinner.
We stretched for a bit and jogged around the training room to get ourselves ready. Out of the corner of my eye I spied Eric slink into the room, his facial expression fierce. He briefly caught my gaze and I looked away, hoping he hadn't caught me staring at him. I hoped, if I fought today, I'd make him eat his words about me belonging at Dauntless.
"First Jumper!"
Eric's voice boomed around the room; Tony seemed confident as he strode into the ring that had been set up. I didn't know what I'd done to get on his bad side, our interactions from the start of initiation to now a stark contrast. He kind of looked like a smaller version of Eric, just not as built and definitely not as attractive.
"Last Jumper," Eric called out.
I held a breath, at least thankful my first fight wouldn't be against Tony. I saw Tara get into the ring; suddenly I kind of wished it was me in her place. I wasn't sure if I would be able to watch Tony beat her to the ground.
"The rules are as follows: you fight until one of you can't continue or you concede. Anything goes here, but if you're told to stop, you stop," Four said.
"But if you do concede, know it will show in your rankings," Eric interjected, giving the instructor a side-eye. They seemed to have some sort of silent conversation just with a look, and Four didn't look happy.
Eric gave the two a quick nod as if to say they could start. Tara tried her best to get into a good fight stance, but from my nights at The Basement, I knew it was weak. Tony did too. He sprung at her, quicker than I thought he could move - I hadn't been paying as close attention to him as I had Paul - tackling her small frame to the floor. His fist connected with any soft bit of tissue he could find as Tara tried her best to wiggle out from under him. I hissed through my teeth when his fist collided with her face, spraying blood onto the mat. Tara had tears streaming down her face; there was no way out of it for her. Sarah grasped my hand from out of nowhere, startling me. I couldn't look when Eric gave out the order for Tony to finish her. I kept my eyes on Sarah and I's intertwined hands, hoping it would give me comfort when I heard Tara's head hit the mat and Four called the match.
It didn't.
"Someone get her off the mat," Eric called out, seemingly bored with what had just gone on. I felt my unleashed anger tear at my chest, wanting to both verbally and physically rip him to shreds. Did he not care that the girl was put in an unfair fight? Did he actually want the best at Dauntless, or just those with the right amount of bloodlust? I moved to help Chris lift Tara off the mat, but was stopped by said bloodlust leader.
"Second jumper, you're up next."
I gave him my best scowl, not afraid to get on his bad side. Tara was always sweet, she had been nothing but kind and a good friend. I wasn't the best to say whether she'd make it through initiation or not, but she definitely didn't deserve to get scared shitless.
Eric called Emmie into the ring, who had apparently been the second-to-last jumper. It seemed Eric was making up the matches today, for Four kept his scowl on his face from the moment Eric had waltzed into the room. Our eyes met for a moment, and Four gave me the slightest nod, his eyes crinkling slightly as if to say "You've got this".
Again, Emmie hadn't been someone I'd kept a close eye on in training; I'd tried my best at the beginning to stay away from her, remembering her jibes at me from school, then because she was a part of Paul's gang, and then mostly because she wasn't worth the time spent analysing her moves. I sort of wish I had paid more attention to the people around me rather than trying to learn new moves down at The Basement.
I leaned down into a defensive stance, my arms up in front of my face. I watched as Emmie did the same; I shifted to the right slightly, and she copied the move again. We kept up this circling for maybe a minute, making me grow more frustrated. Eric seemed to feel the same, barking at us to get on with it. I remembered how angry I had been with him just a couple minutes before, how that anger had helped me against Paul. I let it fill me, flooding my veins; every bit of anger I had felt since coming to Dauntless, before even, and let it consume me.
I jabbed my hand out towards her face, revelling in the sharp feeling of pain that exploded in my hand; it felt good, in a weird way. I remembered how Emmie had spread a rumour about me when we were younger, how I wasn't a real Erudite and it was just down to how intelligent and high-up my parents were in the faction that they hadn't ejected me yet. Emmie was too busy pushing her arms up to her face to protect it to realise she had left her body completely open for my next punch to her gut. The whoosh of air that hit me made me feel odd, like I was out of it almost.
"Charlotte" someone hissed. I froze, my eyes widening like dinner plates.
"You're fucking dead, Charlotte."
I couldn't place the voices, the blood pumping in my ears deafening any other sound. I was knocked off my feet, hitting the side of my head. I could have sworn a gunshot went off, and I just felt my body freeze and lock-up. Pain was exploding over my torso; Emmie had knocked me to the ground and was sitting on my legs, pummelling my stomach. God, I thought I was going to throw up on her. I remembered how Four had said, if I wasn't careful, even someone like her could take me down.
I remembered Eric was watching me.
I gritted my teeth through the pain, tensing my abdomen like Four had taught us when taking punches. Emmie didn't deserve mercy; not one of those kids did, the ones who knew me before. I would bet all of my Dauntless points it was either Tony or Paul who had mentioned my birth name to throw me off. They'd be next.
I let Emmie throw another punch, this time to my face; she hit my lip, and I seized my moment. My mouth had filled with blood when her fist had hit it, and without thinking I spat it into her face. Immediately she crawled off me, wiping the thick liquid off.
"God, what is wrong with you, you freak!"
It was my turn to knock her down a peg; I grabbed her around the middle, lifting her slightly and throwing her to the ground like a doll. I was trying to copy a move I'd seen at The Basement but hadn't been able to practice yet. I fell onto her, elbow first, ears filled with her screams. Mimicking her move, I pinned her to the floor, pulling her arms down to lock them behind my knees and pushing her legs down into the mat. Her face was splattered with blood, some still dripping down her cheek. I grinned at her maliciously; this was my moment. I punched her once, twice, three times before she stopped moving.
"Winner, Second Jumper. Someone take the other one down to the infirmary," Eric called out. As I stepped off Emmie to allow Flint and Tony to grab her, I looked for Eric. Anything, even a passive face instead of a frown, anything to tell me I had done well. I couldn't read anything from his face, no little smirk or a glint in his eye. He caught my gaze for a second and looked away, moving on to the next fight. Four had called Callum and Paul up, and I walked over to my friends feeling dejected despite my win.
"What are you moping for?" Johnny asked me later at dinner. Only a few fights were happening that day, with the rest of the afternoon spent on going over offensive and defensive moves. Sarah was sporting a shining black eye, courtesy of Matthew who had tried apologising to her a million times and was still trying across from me.
"Yeah, what's to be upset about? You won your first match! Four should have called out Tony and Paul, trying to throw you off," Chris said, the only one of us who had come out of today unscathed since he hadn't fought. "Got to say, your new name is so much better than the old one."
"I don't know," I said, not really wanting to get into the whole Eric thing with them. "I'm happy I won, and against Emmie. She got what was coming to her. But I guess, I thought it would feel better. You know, winning."
"You're just uptight because you wanted to show off to Eric," Johnny said, pushing as much of his hamburger into his mouth at the same time. I slapped him round the head, causing him to spit out most of his food at Jason. Everyone laughed apart from him.
"I am not uptight about Eric. He's just a prick and I couldn't care less what he thinks."
"Now you know that's a bald-faced lie," Matthew said.
I focused on eating, for once feeling ravenous. It's not that I didn't want to answer the question - because let's face it, Matthew was right, it was a lie - but I wasn't really sure what my answer was. Yes, I wanted to show Eric he was wrong about me, that I did deserve to be here and there was nothing wrong with that. But I also wanted to prove him right; that I could be a good fighter, a true Dauntless, someone fearless and without mercy. I remembered how weird I had felt causing Emmie pain. It had felt good, because she had caused me pain. But thinking about it and doing it was two different things. I wasn't sure if I could handle causing someone severe pain, and especially a friend.
"Hey, does anyone know if Tara is alright?" Sarah asked.
"Last I heard she was still in the infirmary," Chris said. "She hit her head pretty hard."
"Eric shouldn't have put her against Tony," Matthew replied. "I get that in the real world, we can't choose who we fight, but it was the first one we'd ever done, and she didn't stand a chance against him."