Kelly slammed the cupboard doors shut. "Matt?"
Casey came out of his bedroom and looked mildly astonished to see Kelly in the kitchen, "What's going on?"
"Where's the whiskey?" Kelly asked suspiciously.
Casey opened his mouth to answer, then closed it, and paused before answering, "I removed all the alcohol from the apartment."
"Why?" Kelly asked.
Casey slowly inhaled an uneasy breath, but stood his ground and answered, "I've seen what you did to yourself after Andy died, after Shay died, when you broke your neck, after Renee cheated on you...and I'm not going to stand by and watch it happen again."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kelly asked.
"When you go through trauma, you run for the pills and the bottle to avoid dealing with it," Casey said, forcing himself to remain calm and not start yelling at him, "one of these days you're going to kill yourself doing it, but I wasn't going to let it be here on my watch. You don't have to like it, but until I know you're alright, I'm not bringing it back in."
Kelly was glaring at him and marched over towards him, spewing defensively, "You had no right to do that! You had no right to come in here and mess with my stuff, my property. Who do you think you are?"
"Your friend!" Casey lost it, "Or have you forgotten? I haven't been here watching you fall apart for the hell of it, Kelly, I'm here because you won't let anybody else near you and I'm scared to death what's going to happen to you if you're left to your own devices, I've seen those train wrecks before, and I've had to help pick up the pieces, and I know that this is worse than all those other times put together, and if ever you were looking for an escape, this would be it, and I'm not having it!"
An incoherent sound escaped from Kelly as he took one step forward and for a split second Casey thought Severide was going to attack him. Instead, Kelly turned, and he stormed out of the kitchen, and the apartment itself, slamming the door so hard behind him Casey was surprised it didn't damage the wood.
Casey stood there in the kitchen feeling like he'd just come through a war, his whole back was full of pins and needles and his heart was racing as he tried to figure out where to go from here. But that was quickly forgotten when he heard a muffled sound coming from outside.
"Kelly?" Matt made his way to the door and stepped out, and found Kelly sitting on the floor, leaned against the wall crying.
"Kelly," Matt dropped down in front of him to see if he was hurt.
Kelly sucked in a hard breath and choked out, "I'm sorry."
This is what he'd been dreading for weeks. This was his nightmare come to life. He had tried so hard not to go off on Casey, for what happened to him, the way Matt had done to him in his nightmare. In that last moment during the fight, he felt like the nightmare had come to life, only Matt's rage had been channeled through him, and he knew if he didn't get out of the apartment as fast as possible, he would do something irreparable that could end their friendship of nearly 20 years. And somewhere in the back of his mind he just instinctively knew that that would be far worse than anything he was currently going through now. He remembered in the dream, the rage in Casey's eyes as he started beating on Kelly, screaming at him, and he knew he'd come so close to doing the exact same thing, if he hadn't forced himself to leave, he could've beaten Casey to a bloody pulp without even realizing it. He'd come so close to permanently destroying the closest relationship he had with anybody, his best friend, and it scared the hell out of him. In his mind he couldn't even believe Casey had actually come out after him.
Matt felt his eyes stinging at those two little words, the tears didn't come but he could feel them all the same. He forced himself to stay strong and assure his friend, "It's okay." He knew, even though it didn't lessen the blow of his outburst any, that Severide wasn't really mad at him, he was just taking everything out on Casey because he was an available target, and because Kelly had no way to confront his attacker and get any kind of closure.
Kelly pressed himself harder against the wall, futilely trying to reject Casey's embrace, and sobbed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."
"I know," Casey said as he slowly pulled Kelly to his feet, "It's alright...come on, let's get back inside."
"I'm sorry," Kelly repeated as Casey walked him in and sat him down on the couch, "I know...I know you're just trying to help, and I know I'm not making it easy."
"I didn't join the fire department because I'm into easy, Kelly," Casey said, hoping it'd get a small laugh out of him or at least a smile.
"Something's wrong with me," Kelly cried.
Casey carefully put an arm over Kelly's shoulders and told him, "Nothing's wrong with you, you're just recovering, and it's going to take a while."
"No," Kelly said quietly, he wouldn't look at Matt but he told him, "something's wrong, it has been ever since that day in the diner...it's like...he took something out of me, something's missing, and I don't know what it is...but I'll never be the same again...I feel..."
"It's okay," Casey said as Kelly faltered and struggled to continue, "It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you-"
"No," Kelly shook his head, "It feels like I'm already dead...like a zombie...like he took my soul from me, Casey, and it scares the hell out of me, and I don't know what I'm doing."
Casey hadn't been expecting anything like that, he had no idea how to respond to it. He held Kelly closer to him and tried to be reassuring as he said, "You just need to be patient with yourself, it's going to get better, it won't be right away, but it'll happen."
"I'm sorry," Kelly leaned against him, "I know you're just looking out for me."
"I'm sorry, too, Kelly," Casey said as he rubbed his back, "I'm sorry for what you had to go through and that I couldn't help you."
Kelly pulled back, and away, and looked at Casey uneasily as he explained, "I hate myself, for what I let happen to me...and I hate myself, because I know if I had to do it all over again...I still would."
Casey's eyes burned harder and tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall as he told Kelly, "If there was any way I could've switched places with you and taken it in your place, I would've."
Kelly was suddenly hit with the images and memories of what happened to him in the diner, but also of that nightmare, Matt in the hospital, on life support, drinking the bleach because he couldn't cope with his own rape, and Kelly slowly shook his head grimly and told Matt, "Trust me, you wouldn't want to...I wouldn't want you to."
Casey might've suspected part of what Kelly had just confessed, but now that it was actually out in the open, Severide wasn't sure whether he should be ashamed of this revelation, or relieved, to finally get it out and let someone else have to shoulder some of the burden of it. In a way he supposed he felt both.
"I'm sorry, Casey," he said again, not sure what else to say.
"I am too, Kelly," the blonde man replied, not on the same subject whatsoever but hardly even aware of it. "You're right, I had no right to go through your stuff, I know it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but I didn't know what else to do. In hindsight I probably could've just removed the strong stuff and kept the beer...but I know you, one would become two, become six, become another pack...and I don't want to see you hurt yourself during all this."
Kelly weakly nodded, "I know...thank you..."
Kelly was still in bed late the next morning, Casey poked his head in and told him, "I'm going to pick up the groceries, do you want anything?"
Kelly shook his head but didn't verbally respond.
"Okay, I'll be back later, you sure you'll be okay while I'm gone?"
That got a small chuckle out of him. "I'll be fine, Matt, thanks."
"Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
Casey had rushed through the supermarket so he had time for his other errand before he headed home and hopefully Kelly wouldn't question why he was gone so long. He stopped in on the way to see and old friend and hope he could help.
"Hey Chaplain, can I come in?" Casey asked as he knocked on the open door.
Orlovsky did a double take when he saw the lieutenant and stood up from his chair, "Of course, Matt, come on in. What brings you here?"
"Uh...nothing good, actually," Casey reluctantly answered.
"That's not uncommon," the chaplain responded. "How have you been?"
"Okay...listen...I take it you've heard about what happened to Kelly?"
"Wallace filled me in," Orlovsky answered, "how is he doing?"
Casey shook his head, "Not well...and I don't know that he's actually getting any better...if anything I think he's getting worse."
Matt wasn't sure what was too much information or if it was a bad omen to withhold details from a chaplain, he found himself telling Orlovsky much more about the whole situation than he's originally planned to. He knew it was Orlovsky's job to counsel people through all kinds of trials and hardships, and especially as old as he was he had probably seen more than his fair share of grisly details, but he still wasn't sure if he'd crossed a line or not, and he almost dreaded what the chaplain's response might be.
When he finally finished, they sat in silence for a moment as Orlovsky thought about it all. When he did finally speak, he told Matt, "The devil spent a long time securing Rooker's soul...and now he's trying to get his hooks into Kelly too."
Casey sat back in his chair. "Listen, Orlovsky, you don't have to convince me that evil is real, I see it all the time on this job, but...I have a little more trouble believing that there actually is a devil."
"A lot of people do, Matt," the chaplain replied, "everybody automatically thinks of a guy with horns and a tail and a pitchfork."
"Yeah."
"But that's man's depiction of him, Matt, that's nowhere in the Bible," Orlovsky told him. "He has no physical description listed. It's far more likely if he took on a physical appearance, he'd look like a businessman in a nice suit, someone who couldn't possibly come off as a threat, the guy who's going to make all your dreams come true."
"Fair point," Casey conceded.
"The Bible does say he fashions himself after an angel of light...doesn't sound like something people would fear if they saw it...if he actually had a red suit with horns and a tail, do you think it would matter to anybody what he promised them if he actually looked like that?"
"Probably not."
"His first form to people was a serpent, unsightly, but not necessarily threatening, a lot of people have no fear of snakes. Remember, one of his greatest lies has always been to convince people he's harmless, in fact, to convince people he's not even real, what more dangerous enemy than one you don't believe in, or think is your friend?"
"True," Casey nodded.
"Two of his other greatest weapons to trick people into following him are hatred and despair," Orlovsky added. "He worked on Rooker for years through hatred of everyone he thought wronged him or his family, and now he's using despair to try and pull Kelly in."
"So you think there's really something to what Kelly said?" Casey asked, feeling a new knot forming in his stomach.
"It's not impossible, what people like to forget is the devil can talk people into believe almost anything, almost, but everybody still follows their own free will. What Rooker did, he chose to do, and how Kelly's going to come away from what happened to him, will be his choice too. All you can do, aside from what you're already doing, is pray for God to help Kelly heal from this."
Casey bit his bottom lip apprehensively and he hesitantly admitted, "That's a thing, it's, uh...it's been a while since I actually...you know...and, I'm afraid I'm...a..."
"Little out of practice?" Orlovsky filled in the blanks. Casey nodded. "That's alright, Matt, that's why you came here, right? For my help."
Casey nodded with more certainty.
"There's something else you should know, Matt. Right now Satan's doing his best to bring Kelly over to his side, and at the same time, he's doing his best to get to you too."
"Me?" Casey asked in disbelief.
"He works nonstop trying to take everybody down with him, he looks for any way in he can get, and something like this, it's going to be real tempting to him."
Casey didn't say it but he thought there might be something to that, he'd definitely felt overwhelmed the past couple weeks and there were times he wasn't sure it was just trying to help Kelly recover.
"Any suggestions?" he asked, still feeling a little weird about the whole conversation.
"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you," Orlovsky quoted, "as many years as I've been doing this, even I've had occasions where I've had to say 'Get behind me, Satan'. It's not an automatic fix, but it works for a while."
Casey nodded uncertainly, "Good to know. So...exactly what's the right way to do this?"
"Kelly."
He heard the voice, close and distant at the same time, trying to be neutral but a hint of worry. He couldn't see Matt's reflection in the bathroom mirror, but he knew the man was only six feet away by the open door. Kelly didn't turn and look at him, he just stared at the veins in his left wrist, and the razor blade held firmly between the thumb and forefinger on his right hand.
"Kelly."
"I'm not going to do it," he said, but he made no move to put the blade down.
"I know," Casey calmly replied, "I believe you, but I need you to hand me the razor blade."
Kelly stayed right where he was and stared at the thin piece of metal and his wrist, and he found himself wondering, could he actually do it? Could he do it quick enough that Casey couldn't stop him? How much would it hurt? How quickly would he bleed out? Would it finally stop the pain and the nightmares and the memories and all these overwhelming sensations he felt every single day?
"Kelly, please."
Casey still didn't move towards him, Kelly wrestled with his thoughts for a few more seconds before finally holding his arm out to the side for Matt to take the razor blade.
"Thank you."
"I wasn't going to do it, I really wasn't," Kelly told him, "I just...just wondered, you know?"
He walked with Casey out to the bedroom and tried to explain, "You ever wonder about what it's actually like to kill yourself? Not plan to, but just wonder about it?"
Casey looked at him for a minute, then slowly nodded. "Yeah...when I was a kid, I used to look out my bedroom window on the second floor and wonder, if I jumped from it, would it be enough to kill me? It didn't occur to me that I might just break every bone in my body but still live. There were a few times when my parents were fighting, I actually thought about what it'd be like to just step over the ledge and drop."
"Did you ever try it?" Kelly asked.
Casey shook his head, "No...but there are times I look back now and wonder what stopped me? When you're a kid you can't really grasp the big picture to something like that, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal."
The air was thick with the tension of what was unspoken. As firefighters they had seen more suicides than anybody should, through all different methods, calls they responded to, and their own people who couldn't take it anymore. Suicide was a double edged sword to a firefighter, you saw first hand the destruction it caused to the surviving family who was left with a lifetime of unanswered questions and guilt, but after you lost enough people on calls, in all kinds of horrifying ways, it just felt so tempting to end it all and not have to remember anymore, not have to feel anymore, not have to live with any of it anymore. What was really hard was being there for the families of the firefighters who took their own lives, trying to be there for their spouses, their children who were suddenly without a parent, right when they needed them the most, and nobody could answer why it happened, why they would abandon their kids like that. It was that guilt by association of the brotherhood, that Casey suspected, kept a lot of them hanging on when otherwise they might've just hung it all up.
Casey felt a rock in his stomach and a weight on his chest all night. He found himself calling Boden, but found himself unable to go into details of what had happened that day.
"How is Kelly doing, Matt?" Wallace asked.
"I...I don't..." whatever Casey had planned to say, none of it was coming out.
"Casey?"
Matt found himself breaking down in tears and confessed, "I'm scared he's losing his will to live, and I don't know what to do."
Over the line Boden tried to get Casey to calm down, they talked for a while but afterwards Casey couldn't remember much of anything they actually said. What he did remember was Boden telling him to hang in there and not to lose faith, Kelly was bigger than this and they were going to figure out a way to help him. How though, Matt had no idea.
Trying not to lose his mind, he recited all the prayers Orlovsky walked him through, and hoped that they'd actually work. It had been a long time since he'd regularly attended church but one thing he did remember was the pastor explaining all prayers are answered, sometimes the answer's no.