This is a heavier chapter. I'm sorry about that. I'm following the movie and this is what happens next, so...here we are.
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Red hated the waiting. Not knowing how things were going was nearly driving her insane. She needed to be there and she needed to make sure that everything was going okay, that everything was going to plan.
A knot of anxiety had settled into her stomach, making her nauseous.
They had been waiting on top of the rendezvous hill with the plane, for nearly two hours. And they hadn't heard a single word.
"You're really making me nervous, you know that?" Dum dum spoke up, after a few minutes of Red pacing.
"You'd be nervous too, if your brother and secret boyfriend were on a high risk mission," Pinky replied.
It still caught Red off guard to hear them talking about her relationship with Bucky.
"Tell us about you and Barnes," Monty said.
Red got the feeling that he was trying to distract her.
"How long have you guys been a couple?" Junior asked.
"We uh...I guess you could say since December of '43."
"43?" Happy asked. "It's February of '45."
"I know..."
"What have you guys been able to do together?" Monty asked.
"Not as much as you guys are imagining. I mean, we're in the middle of a warzone. But as Jim pointed out earlier, we would go get supplies together from towns, we'd scout areas together, keep watch over camp together. We did anything we could, really. Anything that would give us a few precious moments."
"Why keep it a secret?" Jim asked.
"At first it was because it was new and we didn't want anyone to know until we were on more solid ground. And then we just kept going and going. We didn't exactly know how to bring it up. Half the time we were all exhausted and dealing with the stress of missions, so it didn't seem sensible to suddenly mention."
"Huh."
"When are you going to come clean to Steve?"
"I don't know. Bucky and I keep saying we'll come clean after the war, but we don't know when the war is actually going to end. Maybe we'll tell him after this mission. Capturing Zola will give the SSR a boost and maybe things will start to look up for the Allies."
"Are you two going to get married?"
Red laughed and nodded, "we are planning on it, yes. That will be happening after the war. Assuming the Allies win."
"Well, hell, I'm happy for you two."
Red beamed at Dugan, "thank you."
It was honestly a relief to talk about it with them. Red felt as though a weight had been lifted from her chest.
"Oh, I see someone," Monty announced after a few minutes, using the binoculars to look down the hill.
Red perked up and looked in the direction he was looking. Sure enough she could see people approaching the hill.
"Oh...no..."
"What?" Red snatched the binoculars away and looked through them to get a better look at who was coming. She could see Gabe, who was escorting Doctor Zola. She could Steve and she could see-
No. Where was Bucky?
She moved the binoculars around to see if he was straggling behind or if he had got distracted and gone off in a different direction. But he wasn't anywhere in sight. She looked at Steve, and as he got closer, she was able to get a more clear view of his face. He looked utterly distraught.
"No, no, no, no, no."
"Easy, Redbird," Dum dum said. "You can't go jumping to any conclusions."
Red wanted to believe that he had a point. That something terrible hadn't actually happened, but in her gut, she knew. She knew that something had gone horribly wrong.
The group of 3 finally made it the top of the hill.
Up close, she could see that Gabe had a similar expression to Steve. Both of them weren't making eye contact with anyone.
"Where's Bucky?" She asked, staring at her brother, who had his eyes pinned to the ground.
"Let's go get the Doctor loaded," Pinky suggested after a few tense seconds.
The men all nodded and walked away to the plane, leaving Red and Steve.
Tears were already pricking Red's eyes, making them sting.
Her brother still wasn't looking at her.
"Steve?"
He finally took a shuddering breath and slowly raised his gaze to meet hers. His eyes were red and puffy.
Red's thoughts were confirmed.
"What happened?" She asked, tears spilling down her cheeks.
"He fell," Steve croaked. "I didn't get to him in time and he...he fell."
"Fell from where?"
"The train. The wall was damaged and he was blasted out. I couldn't get to him in time. I tried, though. I tried to reach him. The train was moving so fast and he was suddenly just gone. I couldn't - I couldn't save him. But I tried, Red. I really tried."
Red placed her hands over mouth. She didn't want to believe it. He couldn't be gone. They were supposed to survive and go home together. They were going to start a life together.
She could suddenly see it all fading. What once a bright and clear picture of the future, was fading into nothingness. They weren't going to live in the countryside. They weren't going to have the kids and dogs. They weren't going to go dancing every saturday evening.
None of their early morning and late night whispered dreams were going to come true.
Red wiped her cheeks, fighting the urge to collapse to her knees and release the wail that was growing inside her. A wail that seemed to be forming from every fiber of her being. Even her bones were starting to ache with grief. Grief that she couldn't fully give into.
The practical side of her brain, that had truly developed from Peggy's influence, was telling her that she needed to hold it together. The mission wasn't over. They still had to deliver Zola.
"We-we should - we should get going." She forced the words out, ignoring the fact that her hands were trembling. Her entire body was trembling.
"Red-"
"Let's just go. The mission isn't over." She turned on her heel and boarded the plane, taking a seat in the very back corner. She could feel everyone's gaze on her, but she ignored them.
She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to exist in the moment she now found herself in. She wanted to be back in the tent with Bucky's arms around her and she wanted to believe that there was a possibility of the two of them having a happy future.
Happily Ever After
What did those words even mean anymore?
. . .
Red stole Dum Dum's bottle of liquor and took it to the roof. Part of her knew that she shouldn't be on the roof, with the city at constant risk of being bombed again. But she couldn't find it in herself to care.
The alcohol burned her throat on the first few drinks, but the burn eventually faded the more she drank.
She was relishing the feeling of numbness that had settled over her. Being numb meant that she wasn't in pain. She couldn't feel her heart and bones aching.
"I thought you didn't drink," Peggy said, taking a seat next to Red on the ledge.
Red took another drink. "Eat, drink and be merry. For tomorrow we die."
"You and your brother apparently cope with loss in the same way." Peggy stated gently, taking the bottle away from Red. "Only difference is, he can't get drunk. You on the other hand..." She held the bottle up so that she could look at how much liquid was left.
"We got married, did you know that?" Red pulled the dog tags and rings out from underneath her shirt. "We went to a town to get supplies and found a church instead. The pastor agreed to marry us as long as we promised to do it properly after the war. Bucky didn't want to waste time, so we spent almost a year together, stealing moments." She sniffed and wiped away tears that were beginning to leak from her eyes. "We weren't going to tell anyone that we had done it. We were just going to wait until the war had ended to announce that were were in love. Bucky was going to ask Steve's permission and we were going to do things the right way. There's this church in Brooklyn down the street from where we grew up that was going to be perfect. I used to see brides come out all the time, looking all beautiful and happy, and I couldn't wait until it was my turn." She looked down at the rings. "I really thought we were going to go home. I had everything planned out. And now...now I have nothing."
"That's not true."
"It is. I put all of my hopes and dreams in Bucky; everything I've always wanted for my future. He held it all, and now he's gone."
"Red..."
Red dropped the rings, allowing them to fall against her chest. "I should have gone on the mission."
"I don't think you being there would have changed anything," Peggy said gently. "If anything, you would have been forced to actually watch him fall."
"I would have been able to follow him."
Red had been thinking those words for hours now. If she had gone on the mission and seen Bucky fall, she was quite certain that she would have jumped after him.
Peggy reached out and took her hand. "He wouldn't have wanted that. I didn't know Bucky as well as you, but I have a feeling that he wouldn't have wanted you to ruin your life because of what happened to him."
"I loved him, Peggy. I still love him. I have all of this love and I don't know where to put it or what to do with it. I can't give it to him and I feel like it's going to destroy me."
"Oh, dear girl." Peggy reached out and brushed Red's hair away from her face. "You still have Steve. You can't forget about that. I'm thinking that the two of you need each other now more than ever."
Red nodded slowly, Peggy's words sinking in.
She hadn't seen her brother since they got to the base. He and Gabe had been whisked away to debrief and write a report on what had happened, and Red had found herself ducking away from the crowds of people.
"I should go see him."
"No. You shouldn't. Not in the state you're in right now, anyway. You're going to bed. Come on, up you get."
Peggy stood and helped Red gently to her feet.
Red swayed, her vision blurring. "I can't just-"
"You can, actually. Nothing important is going to be done. Colonial Phillips is still with Doctor Zola. The best thing for you to do is rest. Peggy's orders."
Red didn't have the energy to protest, so she leaned on Peggy and allowed her to guide the way. She didn't pay much attention to where they were going, or who they were passing. She felt Peggy lower her onto a bed and tuck blankets around her.
"Everything is going to be alright. I promise."
Red closed her eyes at those words, and allowed the welcoming darkness to take her.
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