A/N: So umm ... been a while! :o Got two chapters coming right up ...

Chapter 8: The Things You Got Me Into

The Doctor, Jack, and Millennia progressed slowly through the loud, smelly, and busy colony on Varos at a slow and steady pace. Jack was making conversation and the Doctor was holding onto Millennia's arm with one hand and tapping his cane with the other, feeling out the path beneath his feet.

Millennia tried to comprehend what she was looking at as they walked. Having been imprisoned at such a young age and then trapped inside a machine for so long, she understood how naïve she was, but thankfully the Doctor and Jack didn't seem to mind all her dimwitted questions. In fact, the Doctor was revelling in them slightly - something Jack noticed and made the comment that the Doctor was never happy until he was with someone he could educate, despite his protests.

On her request, the Doctor described in-depth his prior visit with a companion called Peri - how the colonists of Varos were kept entertained by broadcasts of torture and executions, and that they took part in votes of life and death like a macabre human TV talent show.

'It wasn't helped by the fact there was a mentor trying to extort the colony and take it over at the same time,' the Doctor was saying.

'Mentor? Like a teacher?' Jack wondered.

'No … the Mentors are a race of capitalist amphibians.'

Jack laughed. 'What does that mean?'

'I mean a race of amphibians who are capitalists.'

'You're kidding.'

'Nope. Anyway, saw him off and the Governor announced that was it for all the torture and executions and waving guns and things. I just hope it's stayed that way.'

Jack glanced at Millennia and then looked at their surroundings where every street seemed to have armed police and soldiers. 'I dunno, Doc, it's still really militant around here.'

The Doctor shrugged. 'Zeiton-7 is still a highly-valued ore, there'll be a fair amount of security.'

'Makes sense,' Jack supposed. 'We're here.'

Millennia looked up at the building looming above them. Up close it was even more pristine than seemed physically possible, with a seemingly infinite amount of windows stretching up as far as she could see. Leading the Doctor by the hand she followed Jack - if somewhat apprehensively - through the sliding double doors and into reception.

It was buzzing with activity, with varying species milling around a large, white room with a long desk stretched from wall to wall lined with tens of people tapping at computers with headsets on. Jack pushed his way through the crowds with Millennia and the Doctor following until they reached a free receptionist - a young green-skinned fegzonian who looked up on their arrival with a chirpy smile.

'Hello! How can I help?' he asked.

The Doctor stepped forward before Jack could even take a breath. 'Morning! We've got an appointment with the Governor.'

'Could I take your name please?'

'It's the Doctor.'

'Thank you, I'll just take a look at the Governor's diary …'

'Oh, absolutely!' the Doctor said, beaming. 'I'm sorry, we're a little bit late, I hope he can still see us.'

Millennia glanced at Jack, who was watching with a smirk as the receptionist was immediately distracted from checking the diary. 'I'm sure he'll be able to fit you in if you're not too late, he's got a clear schedule today.'

'Brilliant, thank you,' the Doctor said, and continued, 'I hate being late. Traffic was a nightmare. Have they got some maintenance in the Librae Cluster this week?'

The alien was once again distracted from checking the diary. 'Err, I'm not sure, sir.'

'Never seem to stop with all the maintenance these days,' the Doctor carried on. Jack's smile increased. 'Do you fly in for work on the daily shuttle?'

'Oh, no, I live just down the road,' the alien replied, now entirely distracted.

'That's lucky!' the Doctor said happily, and then immediately looked pained. 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm talking you to death, aren't I? Governor's office is floor 58, right?'

Millennia watched Jack as he covered his face, clearly stifling a laugh.

'Yea, it's … oh wait, no, it's 65,' the receptionist replied, a little muddled.

'Thanks!' the Doctor said cheerfully. 'We'll get out of your hair then. Have a good day.'

'I will. Thank you, sir!' the receptionist said positively.

Jack obligingly led the group to the lift and requested floor 65. The doors shut and the immortal finally let a smile go. 'Almost as good as me,' he joked.

'Almost?' the Doctor echoed, grinning back.

'Sorry … what?' Millennia asked, confused.

'Classic misdirection,' Jack told her, nodding to the Doctor. 'That's his choice. I prefer charm.'

'Hey, I do charm,' the Doctor complained. 'You just do flirting.'

'Glad you finally noticed.'

The Doctor sighed.

'Rose did assertion,' Jack told Millennia. 'She got pretty good at it.'

'What do you mean?' Millennia asked.

'She used to walk in and basically say she was the queen of their planet and they'd be so confused they'd let her in.'

Millennia laughed as the lift slowed to meet floor 65. The doors opened up into another large room, which had a few people walking around carrying files and techpads. It was particularly extravagant, with expensive-looking chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, large portraits hanging on the wall, and screens broadcasting the sector's most popular news channels. There was a small gold gilded sign roughly twenty metres ahead embossed with an obsidian black typeface translated by the TARDIS with the words 'GOVERNOR'S OFFICE' and an arrow.

Jack led the charge again, following the arrow to take them up a quiet corridor lined with expensive-looking busts of people. Someone suddenly appeared at the far end of the corridor and began strutting straight towards them.

'Oh sh …. Doc, Millennia!' Jack hissed, and Millennia found herself and the Doctor suddenly being pulled into a side room with Jack closing the door behind them.

'What?' the Doctor asked.

'Shush,' Jack urged. Millennia watched and waited as a shadow passed under the door along with some footsteps that eventually disappeared, indicating the person had passed by. Jack released his grip on her and the Doctor, allowing them to stand up straight again.

'What happened?' the Doctor asked.

'Did you land us in the year 5361?' Jack asked.

'Yep,' the Doctor confirmed.

'My past self's here in this timeframe.'

The Doctor sighed. 'You could've warned me.'

'What are you being here for?' Millennia asked Jack.

'Just after I left the Time Agency I had to take a job that meant I had to get myself in as a prisoner escort,' Jack replied.

'Pardon? I have no meaning for … 'poo-riz-zu-nah',' Millennia asked politely, confused.

'N-re-po'tercej'piha'ce'akci-gea vivi,' the Doctor translated.

'Oh,' she said. 'Time Ah-gen-shi?'

'N-po'akci'ce … eto … timeaicaxx,' the Doctor replied, wincing a little.

Millennia laughed uproariously.

'What did you just say?' Jack asked the Doctor.

'Sorry … the word she'd know for Time Agent is a slang insult,' the Doctor answered, shrugging a little.

'Really? What did you call me?' Jack asked, intrigued.

'He say little fucking time idiot,' Milennia provided, laughing.

'Doc!' Jack said, unable to resist a smirk.

'Why are you complaining to me? I didn't make it up!' the Doctor protested. 'And you honestly taught Millennia to swear in English before tenses?'

Jack's smirk widened. 'What was the first thing you learnt in English?'

The Doctor considered that, scratching the back of his head. '... Fair enough,' he admitted.

'So we no can meet Jack past self?' Millennia asked.

'Preferably not,' the Doctor said. 'Adding a paradox on top of everything else really isn't going to make our lives any easier. Do you know where you'll be while we're here, Jack?'

'Can't remember exactly,' Jack admitted. 'But I'll be heading down into the mines.'

'Right, avoid the mines, simple,' the Doctor concluded. 'Let's do this quickly.'

'My predecessor spoke very highly of you, Doctor,' the Governor was saying after the introductions had been made. 'Although you don't quite look how he described. I was expecting … a more colourful attire.'

'It's okay, you can say tasteless,' the Doctor assured him. 'We're looking for a special purchase of some Zeiton-7 for my timeship.'

'A Tardis?'

'Yeah. Type 40, mark 3.'

'Oh, that's old,' the Governor commented.

'I prefer the term "retro",' the Doctor corrected him.

'Ah. You'll be looking for some refined Zeiton-7, then? I don't think the Type 40 can take the unrefined ore …?'

'No,' the Doctor said. 'The purest Zeiton-7 you have.'

'I see. Normally I'd be glad to provide you, but I'm afraid our operations are on temporary suspension.'

'Really? Why?' the Doctor wondered.

'There have been several large-scale thefts from the mines: we just can't lose anymore,' the Governor replied, pained.

'What if we caught the culprits?'

'Then I'd be very happy to open it back up and provide you with all the ore you need,' the Governor answered, though seemed a little amused at the prospect.

'Right, give me two hours,' the Doctor said, snapping a mock salute.

'Just … two hours?' the Governor queried, astounded. 'We've had our security on this for weeks!'

'Actually, I'm in a rush; make it one.'

Flabbergasted, the Governor just watched as the Doctor led his group back out of the door.

'Jack, was the job you took by any chance concerned with trying to steal Zeiton-7 from these good people?' the Doctor asked the moment the governor's door had closed, turning to fix him with a glare.

Jack looked awkward. 'Uh … yeah.'

The Doctor sighed, pushing his sunglasses back down with his finger. 'Then we've got to stop you taking their ore.'

'How come he not recognise you?' Millennia asked. 'From your past face?'

'I've had some work done,' Jack confessed. 'No one's born this pretty.'

'Did you finish the job you came to do, Jack?' the Doctor wondered.

'No. I got caught.'

'How? Any details?' the Doctor queried.

'I had to escort a prisoner down to the mines. I can't really remember what happened down there but I know I got arrested.'

'Can't remember as in, "had a memory wipe"?' the Doctor wondered.

'No, can't remember as in "it was a couple of thousand years ago",' Jack replied, shrugging.

'And what did this prisoner you were escorting look like?'

'Err … tall, thin, kinda nice,' Jack mused. 'Fancied him, actually. Never saw his face cos he had a bag over his head but I bet he was gorgeous.'

There was a brief pause as Jack looked at the Doctor, who was still staring at him. 'What?' Jack asked.

The Doctor deliberately cleared his throat, and pointed at himself with a jerky thumb.

Jack's brow furrowed. 'No, you can't … it wasn't you, it was a guy called Humphrey Bogart. If I wasn't about to leave, I reckon I woulda … Oh.'

The Doctor grinned. 'I've got an idea.'

Ex-Time Agent and conman Jack Harkness made his way down to the mines for what he already knew was (thankfully) going to be his final shift as a prisoner escort. Not that he hadn't enjoyed it - the extra pay had been a nice bonus and he did genuinely enjoy the company of his temporary colleagues. He almost felt bad about screwing them over. Almost.

But the Barachi Clan were becoming impatient for their ore. There'd been some passing mentions of the clan "not taking kindly to failure" and "always winning", alongside some very graphic stories of the last person who'd failed the clan involving the carnivorous Quiinian Sharp-Toothed shark and some very strategically-smeared fish paste.

Safe to say, he probably wouldn't be taking a job from them again.

Still, just one more round to go. He was aware the Governor knew ore was going missing and had shut it down, but that wasn't going to affect him. He just needed to get down there, fill his pockets from the closest deposit, pay off the gate guard and get just far enough beyond the boundary to activate his manipulator. Job done, and he'd never come back.

As the lift doors opened, he strolled up to the desk where the controller was sitting, waving as he approached. 'Afternoon, Tan!' Harkness greeted, flashing his pearly white teeth in a gorgeous smile he knew the controller enjoyed.

'Jack! How are you?' Tan said, immediately looking up and smiling.

'Oh, so-so, can't complain! How's little Maya?'

'She's just been selected for the school quiz team, we're dead proud of her,' Tan replied, beaming.

'Aww, I'll bet,' Harkness said happily. 'She's a smart kid, she'll do well.'

'Thanks! Hey, you're not supposed to be in today, are you?'

'On call. Hoping I can get back in time for the game.'

'Who's playing?'

'The reds versus the blues.'

'Oh, c'mon you reds!' Tan enthused, punching the air. 'Good news then, there's only one prisoner to go down so you'll be home before kick-off.'

'You always tell me exactly what I wanna hear,' Harkness said, winking.

Tan laughed. 'He's in the waiting room. Take him to section six and handover to Jukkta.'

'Got it, Tan, thanks,' Harkness replied, and passed through the security to the prisoner standing area. In there was one man - tall and extremely thin and dressed in a standard issue blue jumpsuit with his hands chained together and a bag over his head.

'Prisoner,' Harkness said, moving to him.

'Sir?' the man asked in an estuary accent.

'I'm your escort, I'll be taking you down to your new home in the mines. Stay in contact with me at all times, don't speak unless spoken to, and if you take that bag off of your head I'll shoot you somewhere really painful. Understood?'

'Crystal clear, sir,' the man replied immediately.

'Right, this way.'

Harkness took the man's arm and pulled him out of the waiting area, through several locked doors to the prisoner buggy. He secured the prisoner by attaching his cuffed hands to the rail, then took the driver's seat. As always, the buggy took a few moments to start, and then they were off and carving their way through the silent lowlit stone tunnels.

It was a warren to say the least, with hundreds of offshoots creeping off into the absolute blackness. Every little chip into the rock acted as a memorial for the millions of men and women sentenced to the mines over the centuries previously. It always gave him the creeps.

'What's your name, prisoner?' Harkness asked as he drove.

'Err … Humphrey. Humphrey Bogart,' the man supplied.

Harkness frowned. That name seemed vaguely familiar. 'Have we met?'

'Oh, I don't think so, sir. Though to be fair I can't actually see you. Why?'

'Thought I recognised the name from somewhere. What you in for?'

'Speeding on the Astralane bypass, sir,' the man replied.

'And you're here? That's harsh?'

'It was five hundred and seventy eight times,' the man admitted.

Harkness laughed. 'How long you in for?'

'I was sentenced by a Khigmal judge, sir, who said the sentence was gonna be as long as his tail.'

'A Khigmal tail? Damn, that's long. Sorry.'

'That's okay, sir, it could've been his neck.'

Harkness laughed again. 'Damn, I'm gonna hate handing you over.'

'Back home they say 3/10 of the prisoners don't even survive the first year. Is that right, sir?'

Harkness glanced at the prisoner in the mirror. 'I'm guessing you've never done time before?'

'No, sir.'

'So you got no history?'

'Err … let me think … Oh, that's right, I had an overdue book once.'

Harkness laughed. 'Just the one?'

'Yes, though it was a book about time management so that sort of makes it a double felony, right?'

Harkness laughed again as, without even thinking about it, he took a right. 'Yeah, you ain't gonna be having a party here if you know what I mean. I hope you're stronger than you look, else you won't be able to keep pace with the other prisoners.'

'I got the impression I wouldn't be mining, sir?'

'What made you think that?'

'Isn't it true that the mines are closed, sir? Something like there wasn't any Zeiton-7 left?'

'Yeah. Some bad boy's been stealing ore. But you guys and girls are still mining, they're just not taking it to the processor for export right now. Sorry.'

'Oh,' Humphrey muttered. 'I was hoping I'd be left to my own devices.'

Again, without thinking, Harkness took a left as he laughed. 'So what are you? Human?'

'Probably too human for my own good, sir.'

Harkness grinned. 'Original Earth stock?'

'One of the outer colonies, sir. Evis.'

Harkness frowned. 'Is that the one with the …'

'Statue of Prince Constasta with no clothes on and a snake coming out of his head? Yes, sir, that's right,' the prisoner said, as Harkness took a right. It was roughly four seconds later that he realised he had absolutely no idea where he was driving.

'Oh shit,' he cursed, stopping the buggy.

'What is it, sir?' the prisoner asked.

'Don't worry,' Harkness dismissed, though inside his heart was pounding a little. The supersize structure of tunnels and darkness was extremely easy to get lost in, and there was no map to help. He couldn't remember the route he'd driven to get here.

Making a quick decision, he shifted into gear and kept going straight ahead. To his utter relief he eventually saw some machines dotted up the sides and a definite increase of light which meant they were approaching an active part of the mine.

'Is everything all right, sir?' the prisoner asked.

'Shut up, prisoner,' Harkness said through gritted teeth as he took the next right and immediately hit a dead end. But as he looked, he realised it wasn't any old dead end. It was a Zeiton-7 repository. There was a thirty-foot tall mountain of Zeiton-7 just sitting there unguarded and sparkling invitingly in the low light.

He had to double-take, and also double-check there were no guards or cameras. He scanned the room several more times to be sure - there was absolutely nothing. Clearly this was a part of the mine that was off of the beaten track, so therefore deemed safe for storage of the precious mineral.

There was enough Zeiton-7 here to sate the Barachi clan's appetite, with enough leftover for Harkness to buy an entire planet if he wanted to. He could buy a mansion on Kastatos and secure his financial future for life. Good bye to odd jobs and shady deals in dark rooms, and hello to pool parties and the finest the universe had to offer.

Trouble was, he'd been in this game long enough to know greed could and probably would kill you. There was no way he'd be able to get this all out, but at least there was more here than the deposit he'd originally set his eyes on. Even with just a bagful he could pay off the Barachi clan and live a very comfortable life for a few years.

However, the prisoner was still here and he needed to be escorted to section six. Harkness would probably never find this room again, and he didn't fancy driving into section six with his bag stashed with the goods when the mines were already on high alert.

Still, no risk; no reward.

He made his decision, and stepped out of the buggy. 'Prisoner, stay here,' he ordered.

'Yessir,' the prisoner confirmed.

Harkness grabbed his bag and headed straight to the pile, where he began to sweep the precious mineral in by the armful. He packed it as well and as tightly as he could, and by the time he had it on his back again he estimated he had roughly 100 billion credits-worth of ore.

He hurried back to the buggy, but to his complete surprise the prisoner wasn't there. He checked the buggy and the area in turn - there was no sign of force on the handcuff rail and the tall skinny man was nowhere to be seen.

The penny dropped immediately. Trap.

He jumped into the buggy looking for a quick getaway, but it wouldn't start. He tried it again, and again, and again, but it was refusing to come to life.

He'd have to run. Taking his bag of loot with him he jumped out of the buggy again, heading for the exit. Security were probably already on their way, but if he could just lose them in the tunnels …

'Hands in the air!' a voice suddenly demanded, as out of the dark came a crowd of armed security pointing their weapons straight at him.

Busted.

'Thank you for your assistance, Doctor,' the Governor said, shaking his hand in his office twenty minutes later. 'You've saved us a lot of time and money.'

'You're welcome. What'll happen to the prisoner?' the Doctor asked.

'The execution will take place on Sunday.'

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 'Execution?'

'The sentence for stealing Zeiton-7 is death,' the Governor explained.

'Bit harsh, isn't it?' the Doctor wondered. 'Wasn't your predecessor trying to move away from those sorts of things?'

'It's the only way to police in this region of space, we've got all the Sirrus gangs passing through here,' the Governor replied. 'We're in the middle of negotiating policing with the Neo Proclamation, so I'm hoping we'll be able to come up with an alternative before this has to be done again.'

The Doctor considered that, bobbing his head and clicking his tongue. 'Fair enough,' he finally said. 'Thanks, guv'nor.'

'Are you not worried?' Millennia asked Jack and the Doctor as they stepped out of the building back onto the streets of the city.

'About what?' the Doctor asked.

'They kill past Jack.'

'Oh, don't worry about me, I'll be fine,' Jack assured her. 'I can really build a great rapport with executioners.'

'Besides, if they're linking up with the Shadow Proclamation Zak will sort it out,' the Doctor said.

'One thing I can't figure out. How the hell did you get me to drive straight there?' Jack wondered.

The Doctor shrugged nonchalantly, grinning slightly. 'Planted a couple of subliminal suggestions in conversation which you picked up on, directing you straight to a honeytrap. Always works. You humans just can't help yourselves.'

Jack sighed.

'Let's just focus on Tuvala. We-'

The Doctor was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. He frowned, frisking himself briefly before pulling it out of his inside jacket pocket. 'Um, Jack, could you …?'

'Sure,' Jack said, plucking it out of his hand. 'Afternoon, this is the Doctor's hotline.'

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

'Oh, Leah, what … Leah, slow down. What's wrong?'

The Doctor snapped to attention. 'Leah?'

'Something's happened, she needs to talk to you,' Jack said. 'Putting you on speaker, Leah.'

'Daddy?'

'Leah? What's happened?' the Doctor asked anxiously.

'Daddy, you gotta come back.'

'What's wrong?'

'I dunno the Tardis is acting all weird.'

'How?'

'She's locked me in my room and she won't let me out. It's gone all dark. I think she's shut down.'

'Is there anything on the monitor in your room?' the Doctor asked. 'Can you check diagnostics?'

'No, it's not working.'

'How d'you mean not working?'

'It's just all black and totally shut down.'

'That's weird,' Jack mused. 'Shouldn't those monitors always work even in shut down?'

'If she's had a malfunction she might've shut down all her extensions to protect herself,' the Doctor replied, running a hand through his hair. 'But she should've automatically locked all the doors open, not shut. Leah - is Theo okay?'

'I dunno where he is.'

'Okay, we're on our way. Just -'

'RECALIBRATING REBOOTING EXTRAPOLATING …' a grating voice suddenly emerged out of the phone's tinny speaker.

'What was that?' Millennia asked, and then looked at the Doctor and Jack, who had suddenly frozen, shocked.

'That can't have been …' Jack started, confused.

'LIFEFORMS DETECTED!'

'Oh god,' the Doctor croaked.

'EXTERMINATE!'

A/N: Translation:

N-re-po'tercej'piha'ce'akci-gea vivi - His past self was a prisoner for a job here.

N-po'akci'ce … eto … aitimecaxx - He used to be a … umm … Time Agent (insulting slang, meaning: Little Fucking Time Idiot)