Chapter 8
Rachel's Pov
Was I scared? No, I wasn't... I was fucking terrified. Today was the Glee club meeting and I was not ready to face them. I was sure they thought I didn't want anything to do with them and that's why I didn't contact them after high school. I mean, they too could have tried to communicate with me, but they never did. But I'm Rachel Berry and I was always the self-centered diva they only tolerated for her talent, not because they cared.
I've never been the type of person to be easily scared, I could even count the times I've been scared. When I choked on my audition to get into NYADA, that was the first time I freaked out. Then when my doctor told me that I had throat cancer and it was sure I would never sing or speak again. After that, the last time I freaked out was when that man almost ran over Theo and me.
Standing next to Santana outside of Will Schuester's house in mid-November, seven years after I abruptly disappeared from the lives of all Glee members, I wondered if I would add this day to the list of 'Scariest moments of my life'.
I looked at Santana who was pulling Theo out of the car seat, and for a moment I calmed down. I remembered how calming her presence was the afternoon we ran into Kurt at the grocery store. Maybe today would be one of the scariest times of my life, but I knew I had Santana by my side. I knew that when we got home she would snuggle with me if I asked her to and the coconut scent of her hair and the soft touch of her hands would calm me down.
"Are you ready?" She asked as she put Theo down and the little one clung to my hand.
I shrugged, taking a shaking deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be."
Santana took my hand, pulling me to the side of the house. There was a path that ended at a small gate that led to the backyard. I felt my heart clench when I heard the voices of my former classmates. It was not a dream, I was really listening to the laughter of those who seven years ago I considered to be my friends.
She let go of me and pushed her way through the door. I didn't follow her, not yet. My body still felt too heavy, like I couldn't move, not even to escape from there. Theo's hand tightened on mine and I suddenly found the courage to walk through the gate.
"Hey. 'Sup, ball of losers?"
I laughed when I heard several happy greetings in response to Santana. I saw her look over expecting to see me next to her, but I wasn't there. Instead of reaching out to me and tugging on my arm like a child, Santana smiled at me and nodded encouragingly.
I took a deep breath and squeezed Theo's hand for some support and courage. When I stopped next to Santana I heard a chorus of gasps and murmurs. Exactly as I expected, everyone was there, observing me, some happy to see me, others with surprised looks and finally there was Mercedes who seemed to be upset. There was a long silence in which only the song that was playing on the radio was heard, until Brittany came running up and hugged me.
"Rachie! I've missed you. I had no one to talk to about Lord Tubbington addictions." I laughed, because Brittany knew how to dissipate the tension without even trying.
"Where have you been Rachel?" Quinn asked, giving me a hug right after I pulled away from Brittany.
"Yeah, what happened to you? Did fame go to your head and we weren't good enough to be your friends anymore?" Mercedes's tone of voice was surly, full of anger.
I opened my mouth to defend myself, that was my intention, but all that came out was a growl and then I remembered that I couldn't speak. Santana took my hand, lacing her fingers with mine and pulled me into a hug in which I fell apart crying. I needed that, I needed to vent.
Once I calmed down a bit, I became aware of the arms that were wrapped around my leg. Theo was clinging to me with his eyes closed and his cheeks wet, he hated to see me cry. I pulled away from Santana and knelt in front of him, speaking with my hands.
"I'm fine, honey." He nodded as I ran my thumbs across his cheeks to wipe the tears away.
"I don't like seeing you cry, momma." I hugged him with all my strength because in him I found peace and right now that was what I needed.
"I think we should sit down, there are a lot of things you guys need to catch up on."
Everyone nodded, except Mercedes who rolled her eyes and Kurt who lowered his head pretending that the ground was more interesting. Santana put a hand on my back, guiding me to the chairs near a tree and I sat with Theo on my lap, in the chair that was closest to the speaker. The rest of those present took their seats in a circle with their chairs.
"Can you connect my iPad to the speaker? I want to be the one to tell them what happened." Santana went inside the house and came with an auxiliary cable and Ms. Schue hot on her heels.
"Oh my gosh, Rachel! I can't believe you're here. How are you?" I smiled sadly at him and shrugged, taking the IPad after Santana connected it to the speaker.
"Looks like she finally remembered those who were with her when she was just a wannabe." Mercedes's voice was cold and she was smiling wickedly, a spark of envy in her eyes. If she only knew how my life was, she would not be envious of me. "Go on, delight us with your incredible life under the Broadway spotlight."
I shook my head and started writing. "Well, Mercedes, I must inform you that I'm a teacher, so I'm not under the Broadway spotlight as you said. And I assure you that my life is not as incredible as you might think." Kurt's head snapped up, looking at me in confusion.
"But you had the leading role in 'Funny Girl'. What happened after that?"
I saw Santana's leg shaking and I put my hand over her thigh to calm her. "Oh, you mean after you and Blaine moved out and stopped talking to me?" He dropped his head as well as Blaine and the others looked at them in shock. "Let me give you a tour through my life after you left, Kurt. I married an idiot named Brody who a month later sent me the divorce papers because I was diagnosed with throat cancer. And after that I had this beautiful little boy that it's the light of my life. Am I forgetting something, Tana?" I didn't even let her answer because it was a totally rhetorical question. "Oh yeah, there's one more thing. I've been mute for almost three years. So yeah, Mercedes, my life had been completely amazing."
Santana's fingers entwined with mine and I took a deep breath. Once again, Brittany was the first to react, kneeling in front of me with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Are you dying? Tell me you're not dying, Rachie. Because I want you to go to my wedding, even though you can't sing anymore, but I still want you there. And I want you to teach my kids to sing and be just as amazing as you are."
I reached out and took her face, wiping away the tear trails. "I'm not dying, Britt. I've been in remission for two and a half years."
She stood up and hugged me until Finn decided to speak. "You were married?"
I laughed, because of course that would be the only thing he would hear in everything I said.
*
"Momma, I'm hungry." Theo said, running to me after being playing around with Santana and Quinn.
I was quite glad that Santana made me bring Theo a sandwich, because we've been waiting for food for two hours. Finn, Sam, Mr. Shue, and Puck were circling the grill, arguing over who was the best at barbecuing. Kurt, Mercedes, and Blaine were in their usual gossip mode, even though they were sending me embarrassed looks. Artie, Tina and Mike were on the radio trying to find the perfect song to liven up the atmosphere. And I was sitting with Brittany, enjoying the familiarity of it all, it was like being in the choir room again.
"So, Britt, tell me what's going on with Lord Tubbington?" I asked after Theo ran over to Santana, holding his sandwich in the air and waving it.
"He started smoking again, Rachie. I asked him to stop and he did, but I think he's mad at me. I'm trying to do this for his own good and he doesn't understand." She was so sad, and let's face it, no one liked to see Brittany sad.
"Have you tried singing to him? You know that sometimes music expresses our feelings better. Maybe Lord Tubbington will understand it better that way." Brittany jumped up excitedly, clapping her hands.
"I'll go find him and sing to him right now!"
"Wait, did you bring him here?" I asked, the voice of my IPad sounding surprised, which was silly because she was Brittany, it was obvious she would bring her cat.
"Duh, but he's in because he totally hates Mr. Shue and Finn's vests." She said standing up and entering the house.
I thought I couldn't agree more with Lord Tubbington, Mr. Shue and Finn's vests were like a social crime. Then I wondered why I agreed with a cat who smoked, it was obvious that the animal was a bad influence. I would never tell Brittany, but that cat was a walking problem.
"A penny for your thoughts." Santana's voice took me out of my mind. She was sitting in the chair next to me, taking a sip of water from her bottle.
"I was just silently agreeing with Lord Tubbington's hate for Finn and Mr. Shue's vests." She laughed, offering me a bottle of water that I accepted.
"Since when are you and Lord Tubbington so intimate?" This time I laughed.
Brittany and I had been friends since the seventh grade, but no one knew about it. Everyone in the dance studio thought she was stupid, I just thought she had a different way of looking at things. When she adopted Lord Tubbington, no one was interested in hearing her, so I was the only one who stayed.
"Brittany and I were in dance classes together, so we knew each other but we weren't friends. It all started when I saw her crying in the locker room, and you know nobody likes to see Brittany cry, so I only hear her talk about Lord Tubbington's smoking addiction. Then I decided to help her."
"You are truly amazing, Rachel Berry." I blushed and smiled shyly at Santana. She was about to speak again when Brittany appeared with Lord Tubbington in her arms.
"He's totally mad at you, Rachie, but he agreed to see you because he missed you." The cat looked at me wagging its tail slowly in the air.
"I'm sorry Lord T. I promise I'll FaceTime with you from now on." I stroked the cat's head and the feline purred, closing its eyes.
Suddenly I realized that everyone was looking at me and frowned, but then I remembered that they didn't know about Brittany's and I friendship. Whatever they were thinking about was gone when the blonde started the instrumental of a love song and put Lord Tubbington on my lap. No one said anything about Brittany singing to her cat, but again, it was Brittany and everyone knew she was special.
*
"Did you have a good time at the Friendsgiving barbecue?"
After Mr. Shue had to order a couple of pizzas because they burned all the meat, we ate and enjoyed the rest of the evening. Nobody asked anything about my mutness and I was glad for that. Although I received a pair of smirks from Quinn everytime Santana helped me communicate with the others.
"Although Mercedes was totally cruel to me at first, I had a great time. I didn't realize how much I missed everyone until I saw them." I said, sitting better in front of Santana so she could read my lips.
We were both in the room Theo and I were sleeping in. My son fell asleep as soon as we got to the Lopez house, which didn't surprise me since he spent the afternoon playing with Brittany and Lord Tubbington.
"We always asked about you, every Friendsgiving. Well, Mercedes didn't, but that was because Kurt always said you were living your dream under the Broadway spotlight. He never told us the whole truth." Santana said, placing a pillow in front of Theo that he hugged with all his might. "Brittany always was the most insistent on knowing about you, now I know why."
"Brittany is a sweetheart, she wouldn't be able to hurt a fly, not even if Lord Tubbington asked her to do it."
Santana laughed and leaned against the bed board, pulling me on top of her. "It still amazes me how well you go along with Britt's way of being. I mean, I would never call her stupid but she is a little, you know, Brittany."
I crossed my arms on top of Santana's belly and supported my chin there, looking at her. "She lives in a world where evil doesn't exist, like a magic world. I love that about her."
"I admire her for that, after everything she saw me and Quinn do to you back at high school, she kept that innocence that characterizes her." Santana said, sadness reflexing on her brown eyes.
"We talked about this, Tana. I already forgave you for all of that, both, you and Quinn. We were young and immatures."
"I know, but I can't help but think of Karofsky back at high school. He was bullied for one day and tried to commit suicide, you were bullied for years, Rachel. Did you ever try too...?"
I smiled sadly, because I had never discussed that part of my life with anyone, well, just Brittany's parents.
"Yes. It was the summer before Junior year and my fathers were rarely home, my mother had abandoned me again and I had no friends. I was so depressed that I took a lot of pills, but Brittany's mom found me."
Santana's eyes filled with tears and I reached out to wipe one that had rolled down her right cheek. "I... I... I'm so sorry, Rachel. Oh my god! It's all my fault, you almost ended your life because of my fucking fau-"
I didn't let Santana finish speaking and slapped my lips against hers. At first she froze, but after a few seconds her lips began to move. And God! It felt amazing.
Santana's lips were soft and wet, warm against mine. I wrapped my arms around her neck, and her hands gripped my waist, pulling me closer to her body. One of my hands rested on the tanned cheek of the Latina, and with the thumb I caressed a small part of the area. This was the best kiss in the world hands down.
When the air became an issue, I pulled away from Santana and pressed our foreheads together. I giggled when the girl below me let out a displeasure growl, and I pecked her lips. She tightened the grip she had on my waist and I slowly opened my eyes, constantly colliding with Santana's chocolate ones.
"This was the best way anyone told me to shut up."
I smiled coquettishly and leaned back so she could read my lips. "Maybe you can start rambling again so I can shut you up."
She smirked and leaned closer to me until our lips brushed. "I don't need to ramble for you to kiss me, babe. I can just do this."
Santana captured my lips and I, of course, did not object to that. After Halloween my feelings for Santana had returned, or maybe they had never left and that night I realized it.
The point was, if Santana was going to kiss me like that, I wouldn't object to her doing it every damn day of my life.