Total Drama Pahkitew Island Reordered
Chapter 8: Three zones and a baby
Review Responses
Omega Leonidas: Oh things will certainly different for the Tigers because they have two different characters from canon. Less so for the Eagles, since they have all the same members at this point, but given the new roles, it'll also be different.
Polaron: Ah well.
Vladitor: Indeed.
CMC: Yes, Scarlett is definitely onto Chris.
Lone Wolf: Yes, I know. But I'm not constrained by such time limits, and I figured I'd make the most of it.
Darkwing: I'm not sure. I'll need a break, but after that, I might do a TDAS rewrite featuring characters from all three generations. Or I might do a TDWT rewrite featuring all twenty-four members of the OG cast.
Razenoid: Glad you think so! Yeah, I had to get rid of Bling Bear because Ella was still around.
MDReborn: I'm not too focused on the gender ratio of this season, and that's partially because there are more good female characters than males this season IMO. Glad you liked my new challenges and good guess on who's going!
AnonBrowser: I aim both to please and to surprise! So I'm glad you felt both! Without Sugar gone, I felt that there was nothing stopping the kiss. Maybe it's just me, but people seem to forget that the third time Dave tried to kiss Sky, she actually reciprocated. If it weren't for Sugar, they would have had their first kiss there. And Sammy is taking it better than Jasmine for a few reasons. The latter had gone through an emotional wringer that day and was slightly unstable, while the former helped ease those anxieties, similar to how Sky eased Dave's anxieties in the second episode. Also, Sammy had some interactions with the Tigers that had intrigued her, and she's open to making new friends. Nice to see you got the reference to KND!
WierdAlfan101: Yeah, I didn't have it ready by Saturday, but I did by the middle of the week and I didn't wanna keep you guys waiting any longer. We'll certainly see what Sammy and Shawn will do.
Rockin' D-99: I'm glad you liked Shawn's conversation with Ella, though I am slightly disappointed that no one is specifically mentioning how Shawn tried to bring her back to reality by talking about zombies. I also knew you would indeed enjoy Jasmine and Sammy's little adventure together. Of course, with Sammy Sky being the switches, there's still a bit to go through for both of them, along with Dave and Jasmine. And I do understand your concern for how Jasmine was portrayed in canon, and you'll certainly see what I'm doing with her here.
Anonymous7089: Yeah, I was a big KND fan as a kid. Rewatched it a few years ago and it was just as good! And thank you very much!
lordgemini: Lol, it's alright! Anyway, thanks a lot.
Gucci Mane LaFlare: Thank you!
MatiasND: Obvious that it was Sky and Sammy, eh? Welp, those were good guesses!
Cristina Correa: Yes, Jasmine and Sammy's friendship was indeed one of the better elements of canon, so I really wanted to expand upon it. Cute and weird are the perfect adjectives to describe Ella. Really glad you liked it!
Guest: I probably will.
Crosshot: I just thought Sammy mocking Amy would be funny and cute. As for Team Maskwak, I personally love this lineup.
Hugh Jidiot: Nice predictions!
Glad to see we got a few KND fans here!
"Last time on Total Drama Pahkitew Island!" Chris narrated. "Dave tried to kiss Sky multiple times, and she eventually gave in! Ella found a way to shed a little… light on the subject! Scarlett and Topher found a little more than they should have! Jasmine and Samey switched roles with Samey being the surrogate big sister this time around! Team Maskwak nearly froze to death after coming into contact with our patented nude bombs! But even then, that wasn't the most extreme thing to happen to them. After being chased by a dragon, they showed us how to lose the challenge in the most disgustingly disturbingly hilarious way ever! Even though the Kinosewak won, no one went home! Instead, I busted out a bit of McLean genius and had Sky and Samey switch teams! But this is today! And someone will blast away! So, hip-hip-hooray! For Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
After the intro, we cut to the Eagles' treehouse at dawn. Sky is seen sleeping peacefully. She was awakened to the sound of a pen scribbling. She racked her eyes opened a crack to find Scarlett observing her like a hawk. She jumped up in surprise.
"Your stage two sleep spindles were low frequency followed by an intense delta or slow-wave." Scarlett commented.
"What?" said Sky.
"You slept well." said Scarlett pleasantly. She then walked out of the treehouse just as Jasmine entered with a basket of fruit.
"Scarlett's alright." She told Sky. "A little weird, but harmless. Fruit?"
"Thanks." Sky accepted. As Jasmine tossed the apple to her, she sighed sadly.
"Fruit makes you sad?" Jasmine asked.
"No, I just…" Sky started. "I got used to having breakfast with Dave every morning. We were just friends, but I'm still going to miss him."
"I understand, sheila." said Jasmine, sympathetically. "I'm missing my best friend over there as well."
"I was under the impression that you and Dave were more than friends." said Scarlett, coming back in.
"What?! No, we weren't!" Sky said defensively. Scarlett looked heavily skeptical.
"Your body language betrays you." Scarlett said accusingly.
"Okay, we hooked up!" Sky admitted. "So what?"
"Didn't I warn you that Dave was a womanizer?"
"Yeah, but I don't think that's true..."
"Yeah, well, it is. Besides, you can't have any feelings for the enemy. It'll completely throw you off your game. Just ask Jasmine here. She had a crush on Shawn that he didn't reciprocate and he took advantage of that."
Jasmine averted her gaze bashfully. Her cheeks blushed with shame and embarrassment.
"You had a thing for Shawn?" Sky asked surprised.
"Yeah… but I ended it." said Jasmine.
"A wise move, considering how it distracted you in the dueling stick challenge and allowed a pipsqueak like Dave to get the better of you. Cost us the game." said Scarlett. She then turned to Sky. "I hope you won't be having the same problem."
"No!" said Sky. "Not at all!"
"It was quite diabolical, really." said Scarlett, turning back to Jasmine. "Shawn was clearly trying to get you voted off so that we would lose our biggest asset to the team, not to mention our main source of nourishment." Scarlett took an orange out of the basket and began peeling it. Jasmine cringed painfully. "Lucky I saw through it and voted to get rid of Max instead."
Confessional: Scarlett
"Shawn and Jasmine working together would be an unstoppable power couple. Dave and Sky? Also a significant threat. It's in my best interest that those two couples die and stay dead."
End Confessional
Meanwhile, with the Ferocious Tigers…
Sammy and Ella had hit it off big time. In no time, the girls were singing songs and playing childish games together at the behest of the princess. Sammy didn't mind a bit, as she had wanted to do these kinds of things when she was younger, but with Amy limiting her access to friends, she found she could not.
After a game of patty-cake, Sammy started a conversation.
"So what got you into Total Drama?" the cheerleader asked.
"Well, I was a huge fan of Total Drama World Tour!" the princess answered.
"I bet!"
"Yes, I memorized all the songs from that season and performed them at the mall in a one-person flash mob! The nice security man said I had a beautiful voice! And that I was banned from the mall."
"What?! They banned you for singing?! What kind of monster would do that?!"
"Well, I did pull his pants down while singing the song from the London episode…" the princess admitted, blushing. Sammy burst into laughter.
"No way!"
"Yes, I got a bit carried away."
"That's awesome! I'd pay money to see that!"
Suddenly, the girls heard a sigh. They looked upwards to see Dave on the rocks, a mix of worry and depression on his face.
"Dave? You okay?" Sammy asked.
"Not really…" Dave answered.
Confessional: Dave
"Yeah, Sammy's pleasant enough, and there are certainly worse people I could be stuck with… But she's no Sky."
End Confessional
"Let me handle this." said Ella to the cheerleader. She climbed to the boulder Dave was resting on and sat down next to him. Dave glanced at her, unsure.
"Do you miss Sky, my prince?" she asked. Dave paused for a second.
"Yeah…"
"It's okay. She's still on the island."
"I'm just worried that she and I will grow apart now that we're on different teams."
"Oh you are, are you?" said Ella, getting a bit of déjà vu. She looked down in thought to try and decipher where that came from. After it came to her, she turned back to Dave and put her hand on his back, comfortingly. "Well, there's no need to worry about Sky losing interest in you."
"How can you be so sure?" said Dave, a hopeful but skeptical look on his face.
"When you told me that… you preferred her…" Ella started, her eyes glancing away in pain for a brief second. "I went to tell her right away that your heart belonged to her. As soon as I did… I've never seen a girl so happy."
"Wait, wait, wait!" said Dave. "You told Sky that I was in love with her?"
"Yes. And her face was full of pure joy."
"Wow." said Dave, smiling gratefully.
"And Dave? Did you watch the first two seasons of Total Drama?"
"Yeah…"
"So, you remember Trent?"
"Yeah, Trent. He was one of my favorites in the first season! And then in the second season, he kinda went nuts."
"Yes, when he and Gwen were put on different teams in Total Drama Action, he lost his head worrying that he might lose his girlfriend. And then he went out of his way to ensure that it would not happen, only for it to backfire and make himself look foolish. You don't want that to happen to you, now do you?"
"No…" said Dave, impressed by Ella's wisdom.
Confessional: Dave
"You know, I used to think of Ella as a six-year-old in a teenager's body. But sometimes she surprises me and starts acting like a wise mother. Kinda strange…"
End Confessional
"Thanks a bunch, Ella!" said Dave, smiling warmly. "I'm glad you're still here."
"Me too!" said Ella. The two then hugged each other tightly.
Sammy watched from ground level, touched by the scene. Suddenly, Shawn dropped in right in front of her.
"Argh!" she yelped. "A little warning next time, please!"
"The zoms give no warning!" Shawn scolded. "Get your head on straight or they'll open it up like a yogurt container!"
"Right! Right! Sorry!" Sammy yelped.
"Good. Tree bark sharesies?" Shawn took out a piece of moss-covered bark and offered it to Sammy.
"Oh, thank you!" said Sammy nervously. She didn't want to be rude, so she hesitantly took the bark and bit into it. It was incredibly difficult to swallow and to keep down, but she smiled sweetly. She handed the bark back to Shawn, who then bit into it as though it were a chocolate chip cookie.
"So, Shawn. There's… something I've been wanting to ask you for a while."
"Oh yeah?" said Shawn.
"Yes. I was wondering what you were doing… when we faced off against each other in the Splash-and-Dash."
"Um…" said Shawn. "Oh! That. Um, why do you ask?"
"Well, Jasmine said you turned her down, and I was wondering… if the reason behind it… had anything to do with… me." Sammy blushed heavily and squirmed cutely.
"You?" Shawn suddenly became incredibly nervous. He turned to Dave, who still had Ella in his arms. Dave gave him a stern look and mouthed the words "Tell her the truth!" to his friend. Shawn sighed.
"Samey," Shawn started. "I mean, Sammy, that kiss on the beams was… purely strategic. I did it to confuse you and get the jump on you. And to make Jasmine think I wasn't into her."
"Oh." said Sammy, disappointed. "Wait, were you into her?"
"Yes, I was."
"And you told her you weren't?"
"Yeah, and I've regretted it ever since. I really want to make things right with her. Sorry for dragging you into it…"
"It's okay." said Sammy, smiling understandingly. "Thanks for being honest with me. And good luck with Jasmine."
"Thanks." Shawn crawled up to Dave's rock, while Ella came back down to Sammy.
"Wow. You're taking rejection quite well." said Ella, impressed.
"Yeah, well, I didn't really have my hopes up that high anyway. Besides, it's not the first time I've been turned down. Amy can certainly back me up on that…"
"Wow, you're like Cinderella. A poor girl leaving with a wicked sister who takes advantage of her kindness! So sad!"
Meanwhile, Dave and Shawn conversed.
"Well, that wasn't as dramatic as I was expecting." Dave commented.
"Yeah, thank goodness." Shawn responded.
"So, you're going to try to get with Jasmine?"
"Yup."
"Atta boy!" Dave high-fived Shawn. "Maybe when this is over, we can go on a double-date!"
"Heh, it's funny." Shawn chuckled. "We both had more than one girl who's into us and we had to turn one of them down!"
"Yeah." Dave chuckled. "We're both studs, aren't we?"
"Damn straight, brother!" said Shawn, playfully punching Dave's shoulder. "Beardo'd be proud of us!"
HONK!
"ATTENTION MY SOON-TO-BE VICTIMS!" Chris announced over the loudspeakers. "YOUR FATE AWAITS YOU IN THE GRAND CLEARING! LAST ONE THERE EATS A ROTTEN EGG!"
The Tigers scrambled out of the cave and ran frantically towards their destination, fearing that Chris wasn't joking.
The Eagles hopped to the ground and also raced to avoid having to eat the egg.
"Last one there eats a rotten egg!" Topher repeated. He then turned to his teammates. "See? Sounds better with a youthful inflection. Agree or strongly agree?"
Topher wasn't looking where he was running and ended up crashing into a tree. His teammate failed to stop and make sure he was okay.
Confessional: Topher
"Been using old man McLean's phone to leave messages with the network about going with a younger host. I.E. me!" (Browses the phone) "Still haven't heard back, though. Might be time to step it up a notch."
End Confessional
Due to Topher's meeting with Mother Nature, he was the last one to arrive to the clearing.
"And Topher arrives last!" Chris announced. "So he gets to eat the rotten egg!"
"Aw, man! For real?!" Topher exclaimed.
"For realsies!" said Chris. "Chef?"
The big man appeared behind Topher and tapped him on the shoulder. He held up a hard-boiled egg with green and yellow spots on it. He forced open Topher's mouth, dropped the egg in, and forced him to chew. He tried to swallow but ended up throwing up. Everyone gagged, except for Dave, who fainted and fell to the ground.
"Dave!" cried Sky. She was about to run over and see if he was okay but was held back by Scarlett.
"Don't!" she hissed. "He's the enemy and he'll turn on you the first chance he gets!"
"Listen up, campers!" Chris called, directing their attention to the monitor. "Today's challenge is called Hush or Die! The teams have to race through three separate and unique danger zones. The zones all have one thing in common, though: the noisier you are, the greater the danger becomes! The first zone is called The Lion's Lunch! You'll have to sneak through a field of sleeping lions! Wake one up, and you're lunch!"
The television displayed an area where a dozen or so male lions dozed on rocks, sleeping like babies.
"Question!" said Sammy. "Why are the lions all male?"
"Why does it matter?" Chris asked, annoyed.
"Well, I read somewhere that there's usually no more than two male lions in a pride. The rest are all female-"
"There's also rattlesnakes!" Chris interrupted, looking quite disgruntled.
"Oh, that's bad!" said Sammy, forgetting about the unusual gender ratio within this particular lion pride.
"Um, a rattlesnake's venom is kinda… really dangerous!" said Jasmine.
"The venom in our snakes has been slightly diluted." Chris explained. "So if you get bit, it'll only feel like you're dying! And if you make it out of that zone alive, maybe you'll die in area two: The Pasta Blasta!"
The television displayed an area that looked pretty straightforward compared to the last one. There were some trees, but no stones.
"Make a noise in zone two, and blindfolded Chef will blast ya with pasta!"
Chef was shown wearing a purple blindfold and wielding a bazooka. Several large cans of spaghetti and meatballs stood by his feet. A bird was heard chirping, Chef turned to the sound and pulled the trigger.
SPLAT!
With deadeye accuracy, the bird was blasted to the trunk of a tree, covered in noodles and meat. Ella gasped.
"Pfft! Noodles can't kill anyone!" Shawn scoffed.
"True…" Chris admitted. "Unless the burning hot noodles cause you to scream and wake up the dragon, forcing your team to untangle you before you're eaten alive!"
The screen panned over to reveal that the cave the previous day's challenge took place in, was right next to the second zone of today's challenge.
"Well, yeah… That could kill someone." Shawn conceded.
"The last phase of the challenge…" Chris continued "Is crossing the Avalanche Zone!"
The television displayed a small mountain-like area covered in snow. A finish line with a checkered flag stood at the end.
"You kinda ran outta creative steam for that one, huh? Old age'll do that to ya!" said Topher, leaning against the television and smiling smugly. Chris brought his radio up to his mouth.
"Chef! Gimme a shot, Ten O'clock, seventy-three degrees high, please!" he commanded.
SPLAT!
Immediately, a chunk of pasta and sausage flew through the air and nailed Topher in the head and chest, knocking him to the ground. Topher grunted in pain.
"Not the hair!" he whined sitting up. Then, realizing how pathetic he looked, he put on a false bravado. "I mean, ha! These little games might be challenging for old people, but not us! You really need to start thinking younger, Chris."
"Hm!" said Chris in mock-thoughtfulness. "Topher makes a good point! You're all so young and agile! I should step it up! So, everyone will have to carry a special something throughout the entire challenge now, making it way harder! Everyone say 'Thanks, Topher!'"
"Thanks, Topher!" said the rest of the campers sarcastically, and glaring at Topher in irritation. The wannabe-host cringed guiltily. Suddenly, a hot-air balloon appeared, hovering about thirty feet over the campers. Inside were two interns, a boy, and a girl.
"Okay! Release the babies!" Chris commanded into his radio. The campers gasped. The interns began dropping infants out of the balloon. Luckily, every single camper caught one. They were all asleep and wrapped in blankets.
"This can't be legal!" Sky and Sammy exclaimed simultaneously.
"I am not changing any diapers!" Dave declared.
"Don't worry about that, Dave!" said Chris. "The interns will take care of that after the challenge. You just have to keep them calm. And alive! Teehee!"
"Hello, there!" Ella greeted her baby, her eyes sparkling with adoration. She seemed to be overlooking that her baby had been dropped out of a hot-air balloon and that she had to bring it through lion territory. "Samantha, aren't they just darling?"
"Um… yeah! They're adorable!" said Sammy, with a forced smile.
Confessional: Dave
"Babies. It had to be babies. Pooping, peeing, puking babies."
End Confessional
"Now, before you can move on to each consecutive area, all eight members of your team must present at the finish line, including your babies. Got it?"
"Got it." The campers mumbled.
"And… go!" Chris declared quietly, honking his air horn briefly.
The campers began to tiptoe through the first area. After a minute, Dave accidentally stepped on a bone and snapped it, causing his team to pause in terror. A lion ten feet away from Dave opened his eyes but closed them, clearly neither hungry nor disturbed enough to attack the germaphobe. The Tigers sighed in relief.
Meanwhile, the Eagles had gained the lead, due to this delay. Taking advantage of their lead, Scarlett pulled all of her teammates into a nearby bush for a meeting.
"Okay! Here's the plan!" Scarlett stated. "We maintain a lead on them, and wake up the danger we've already passed! Let them deal with the lions! All in?"
"Sure, whatever." said Topher, distracted by his phone.
"That's pretty ruthless there, Scarlett…" said Jasmine, disturbed.
"Well…" Sky moaned, conflicted. "But… Dave!"
"And Sammy!" Jasmine added.
"They. Are. The. Enemy!" Scarlett hissed.
"Yeah…" Sky whined.
"Are you two here to win or whine?" Scarlett scolded.
Confessional: Sky
"Making it harder on the other team is a valid strategy. But I just feel so bad about putting Dave in danger! On purpose!"
Confessional: Jasmine
"I don't wanna hurt Sammy, but if I don't put my best in at this challenge, it'll be me going home!"
End Confessional
"I'm here to win!" said Sky. Jasmine nodded concurrently.
"Excellent!" said Scarlett. She handed Jasmine a stone. The tall girl tossed it at Dave. The germaphobe hopped with a start to avoid it, only to step on a rattlesnake. The snake bit Dave's leg and did not let go. He covered his mouth to muffle his scream of pain. Sky cringed, looking at him compassionately.
"Come on!" Jasmine whispered. As the Eagles tiptoed on, Jasmine heard a whirring noise from behind her. She turned around to find that the sequoia redwood they were hiding behind had vanished into thin air.
"Huh?!" Jasmine gasped, bewildered. "Weren't we just standing behind a huge tree?! Crikey, maybe I need glasses!"
Over with the rest of the Eagles, Scarlett hid her remote behind her back, resolving to experiment with it later. Topher was still looking at Chris's phone. With the rest of the team distracted, Sky turned around and was about to return to help Dave, but found that Ella had beaten her to him.
"Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm!" Ella calmed the rattlesnake with her lovely humming. The snake let go of Dave and began licking his wounds in apology. Dave smiled graciously at the princess. Sky took notice and suddenly became very jealous and worried.
Meanwhile, Sammy was weaving in and out of the way of several rattlesnakes. She lost a bit of concentration when something caught her attention. She wrinkled her nose and looked down at her baby in panic.
"Please tell me that was just a fart!" Sammy wailed. Distracted, she stepped on a rattlesnake and was bitten in the butt. Like Dave, she muffled her screams with her mouth and was rescued by Ella's humming.
Meanwhile, the Eagles were approaching the exit to the first area. Just when they thought they were in the clear…
DING!
"Yes! A text!" Topher exclaimed loudly, holding up Chris's phone. Excited, he held it up, thinking it was the network calling him to inform him that he was replacing Chris as host, only to find that it was merely Chris's mother sending him a picture of her cat. He groaned in disappointment.
"This is not good!" said Jasmine.
"You got that right!" said Topher, not realizing what Jasmine was talking about.
GRRRR!
That is until he heard a lion growling ferociously. He looked up to see that one of the lions was wide awake, on his feet, and eyeing the Eagles with the unmistakable look of getting ready to pounce.
"…Aaaaaaaaaand I'll put this phone on 'vibrate!'" Topher stated.
"Will Team Kinosewak be eliminated from the challenge? And existence?" Chris narrated. "Or will they somehow escape the kings of the jungle? We're all gonna found out soon! Right here! On Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
After the commercial break, we cut to the Eagles standing apprehensively before the lion.
"On three, we run!" Sky commanded. "One…"
"No! Sky! Catch!" Scarlett shouted. She tossed her baby to Sky and hopped onto Jasmine's shoulders. She then started roaring and waving her arms wildly at the lion.
"Good thinking!" said Jasmine. She marched towards the lion with Scarlett on her back, and copying the brainiac's actions. The lion went from intimidating to intimidated. He backed up for a couple of seconds, and eventually ran off. "Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!"
"Whoa! What just happened?!" Sky cried, bewildered.
Confessional: Scarlett
"Panthera leo are apex predators, not unlike ursus arctos horribillis. So the instinctive predator-prey response is: Don't run from lions or bears, show them you're the boss!"
End Confessional
The Eagles finally made it to the end of the first area and were stunned to see that Shawn had somehow surpassed them and beaten them there. He leaned up against the signpost, waiting for his team.
"What?!" Jasmine cried. "How did you beat us?!"
"Sleeping kitties and worms with fangs are nothing compared to reanimated corpses!" Shawn boasted cockily. "I'm glad you're safe, not that I doubted you!"
"Uh-huh…" said Jasmine.
"Hey, Jazz, if you ever get a moment, I'd like to talk to you." Shawn tossed her flower.
Jasmine's eyes went wide. She looked back at Scarlett, who shook her head in disapproval. Jasmine nodded.
"Sorry. But I'm busy for the rest of your life." said Jasmine coldly. She threw the flower over her shoulder. Shawn flinched. The Eagles then walked past him, Scarlett smirking cruelly.
Confessional: Jasmine
"I'm done with zombie boy's mixed messages. First, he's nice to me, then he kisses my friend and tells me he doesn't want me, now he brings me flowers? If this is how Canadian boys flirt, I'd hate to see how they propose!"
End Confessional
"Ooh! And Shawn is left burned as Team Kinosewak moves on to area two!" Topher narrated.
"Hey! I was gonna say that!" Chris shouted from the starting line. He then regained his composure, cleared his throat, and turned to the camera. "Since all of Team Kinosewak made it through The Lion's Lunch, they're ready for the Pasta Blasta!"
Chef loaded a can into his bazooka and was ready to fire at the slightest sound, a wicked smirk on his blindfolded face.
Jasmine gulped.
"Ha-ha-ha!" Topher cried, playing a game on Chris's phone. "Level three!"
"Topher, you'd better step up your game before I step on your game!" Scarlett threatened.
Confessional: Topher
"She's right! Time to show those network execs what I've got!"
End Confessional
"Check it out!" Topher cried, balancing his baby on his head. "Five years of On-Camera Poise Class!" He ran out into the field, dived into a bush, and crawled behind a tree, all the while keeping the baby perfectly balanced on his head.
"Get ready for the Topher Experience!" he said, sticking his head out from behind the tree. He then strutted out in front of the camera and began to do all sorts of modeling poses.
Honk!
Topher jumped, having unintentionally stepped on a bicycle horn. The baby fell off his head and into his arms.
"Did I forget to tell you the field is full of booby traps? My bad!" said Chris over the intercom.
THWAP!
Chef pulled the trigger on his bazooka. Topher yelped and held his baby over his head as the huge mess of spaghetti nailed him in the stomach and glued him to a tree.
"Ahh!" he groaned, the baby thankfully unharmed.
"Uh-oh!" said Chris. "Here comes the dragon!"
To the horror of everyone, the dragon began to creep out of the cave. The sun was blinding the reptile, so it relied on its sense of smell to guide its way to Topher.
"Quick! Untangle Topher!" Jasmine cried, knowing there would be no way to intimidate what was, by all means, a dinosaur. The Eagles rushed to Topher and began tearing off chunks of pasta off him.
Meanwhile, the Tigers had just made it to the end of The Lion's Lunch. Dave and Sammy had limped there, having been weakened by snake venom. As soon as they got there, Dave fell on his butt, and Sammy dropped onto her stomach to rest.
"Uh, Sammy? Where's your baby?" Shawn asked. Sammy's eyes popped open. She hoisted herself up and looked back. Her baby was sitting in the same place she had been attacked. And it was now in the coil of a rattlesnake. And the snake was resting on the back of a lion.
"Oh, no!" Sammy gasped, exasperated.
"I'll get it!" Ella volunteered. She handed her baby to Sammy and skipped off fearlessly back into The Lion's Lunch.
"Will this be the end of Ella's short life?" Chris asked over the intercom. "Saying 'I hope so' seems mean, but…"
The Tigers were in awe, Ella had managed to tiptoe through The Lion's Lunch like a ballerina. She even pirouetted as she reached the abandoned infant.
"Why didn't she do that earlier?" Shawn asked.
"I don't know, but if she did, Sammy and I would be paralyzed by now." said Dave.
"Hm. True."
"Hello, darling!" Ella greeted excitedly. She picked up the baby and affectionately nuzzled her face into the baby's. Suddenly, her nostril flared, as though smelling foul. "Oh dear! We can't have that!"
Ella dropped into the bushes and didn't come out for two minutes. When she did she skipped swiftly back to her team.
"What took so long?" Shawn demanded.
"The poor dear needed her diaper changed!" Ella explained.
"Didn't Chris say the interns would take care of that?"
"But she needed it!" Ella insisted.
"And we need to win!"
"Shawn, it's fine!" said Sammy. "Dave and I needed to catch our breath, anyway."
With great effort, Dave and Sammy forced themselves to stand up. They were still in pain, but ready to move.
"Right." Shawn conceded. "Come on! We can still win this!" The Tigers took off.
"Team Maskwak makes it into zone two!" Chris announced. "But do they have what it takes to catch up to Team Kinosewak? Unless Kinosewak figure out their problem right now, I'd say yes!"
The Eagles were in a state of chaos. They were all grateful the dragon was blind and was running on smell. Even so, it was right on Topher's heels. The girls were ahead of him significantly.
"Don't leave me!" Topher yelled. "We all have to cross the finish line to win, remember?!"
The girls ignored him and kept on running.
BOING!
A spring-loaded booby trap popped up from underneath the female Eagles and sent them flying through the air.
"WHOAAAAAHH!" they cried. Scarlett and Jasmine landed in a bush, having lost their babies in mid-air. Sky landed on her feet as though she were doing a gymnastics event.
"Whoa!" Sky gasped as the babies came falling from the sky. Luckily, Sky caught her baby in her right arm, Scarlett's baby her left, and she managed to land Jasmine's on her head.
"Um, a little help here, girls?" Sky asked. Jasmine and Scarlett quickly obliged. Sky looked at her baby and couldn't but notice that it was a cute Indian boy.
"Aw, he looks just like Dave!" Sky gushed.
"Oh no!" Jasmine cried. "Where at the start again!"
Sky and Scarlett gasped. It was true. They were at the beginning of the Pasta Blasta. The Tigers were jogging ahead of them a good distance.
"Come on! We're losing now!" Sky cried. The females took off.
Up ahead, Ella could sense that Dave and Sammy were running low on stamina. She walked up to the germaphobe.
"Prince David, you look tired! Would you like me to carry your baby?" she asked.
"Oh! Um… sure! Thank you!" said Dave, handing his baby to the princess. This allowed both of them to pick up the pace.
"Whoa!" cried Dave. "Ella, stop! Bike horn!"
Ella's foot nearly came into contact with a bicycle horn. Currently carrying two babies, she was thrown off balance in her attempt to avoid it. Dave grabbed the back of her blouse and swung her into his arms. Ella blushed heavily.
As Dave let her go, she put her babies down.
"My hero!" she cried. She flung her arms around Dave's neck and launched her lips into his.
SMOOCH!
"Whoa!" said Dave.
"Oh, sorry. I don't know what came over me!" Ella apologized, her cheeks red.
"Hey, it's fine! As long as Sky didn't see this…" Dave reassured the princess.
But unbeknownst to the princess and her prince, Sky had seen it. She dropped her jaw. She gasped. Her eyes popped. Scarlett's insistence that Dave was a womanizer suddenly gained merit.
Flashback
Sky was opening her e-mail to see if she had been accepted into the new Total Drama season. To her shock and excitement, there was an e-mail from Chris McLean in her inbox. Without a second's hesitation, she opened it up.
"Dear Sky, it is our great pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted as a contestant for Total Drama Pahkitew Island. Filming will begin in precisely twenty-eight days from the time you receive this email. We hope to see you then! Sincerely, Chris McLean!"
Sky's elation was through the roof. She ran downstairs to tell her parents. Naturally, they reacted with just as much joy. Her mother hugged her and her father jumped up and down cheering.
"Hey, where's Coco?" Sky asked. Suddenly, the sound of the door opening rang through the house and Sky's older sister entered with an angry look on her face.
"Coco! Did you hear?" Sky cried.
"Sky, you need to see something!" said her sister seriously.
"I'm on the new season of Total Drama!" Sky announced.
"You are?!" Coco gasped, her eyes going wide. "Wow… that's awesome! That's great, Sky! Good for you!"
Sky knew something was up. Coco was usually even more excited and supportive than her parents when it came to success, and that was saying something.
"Is something wrong?" Sky asked.
"Um… uh… it can wait!" Coco answered. "I don't wanna ruin your moment…"
"No! No! Just say it!" said Sky.
"Okay… Watch this." Coco took out her phone and played a video. It was dark and Sky could see two personages making out. After they were finished, they walked under a streetlight, revealing themselves to be Sky's boyfriend, Keith, and her best friend, Sarah. Both of them looked completely without shame and unrepentant.
Sky dropped her jaw. She gasped. Her eyes popped. She then ran to her room and spent the next couple of hours crying herself to sleep.
End Flashback
"Sky? Sky?! Earth to Sky! Wake up!" Jasmine shouted.
"Huh, what?" Sky muttered.
"Snap out of it! We have to pick up the pace!"
"Don't worry!" said Sky darkly. "We're going to win!"
Sky picked up the bike horn that Dave had saved Ella from. Once they caught up to the Tigers, Dave spotted them. He gave them a friendly wave. Sky stopped in her tracks.
"Remember what we talked about?" Scarlett warned. "Are you a teammate or a traitor?"
"I'm a teammate!" said Sky immediately. "He's the traitor!"
Sky threw the horn.
"Huh?" Dave cried in confusion. The horn landed at Dave's feet, honking several times. Chef chuckled and turned towards the sound.
THWAP!
"Argh!" Dave screamed as he was nailed to a tree. Shawn and Ella gasped. Sammy was too far ahead to notice. The dragon lifted its head up at the sound and smell of the bazooka. It turned around and walked towards the smell.
"Sky! What the hell?!" Dave screamed. Sky ignored him as the Eagles passed him.
Confessional: Dave
"Okay, I understand that we're on opposite teams now, but that seemed really dirty, especially for Sky!"
End Confessional
"Here! Take my baby!" said Shawn, handing his baby to Ella. "I'll help Dave!"
"Be careful, Sir Shawn!" said Ella, happily taking a third baby in her arms, though it was getting difficult to carry them.
Meanwhile, the female Eagles had taken shelter behind a rock.
"Hi, Jasmine!" Sammy greeted.
"Oh, g'day, sheila!" said Jasmine. "How are those losers treating ya?"
"Oh, they're great! I mean, not as great as you guys, but they're cool!"
"Ahem!" Scarlett interrupted.
"We'll catch up, later!" said Jasmine.
"Okay! Mind if I walk with you? For old time's sake?"
"Certainly!" said Scarlett. She took out a packet of pepper from their last takeout meal. While Sammy had her eyes on Jasmine, Scarlett sprinkled a bit of pepper into the nose of Sammy's baby.
The baby sneezed. And then she started crying.
"No! No! NO!" Sammy cried, panicking.
THWAP!
The next thing Sammy knew, she had been blasted to another rock, covered in spaghetti. Scarlett and Sky took off.
"Ugh! Stupid freaking babies!" Sammy screeched.
Confessional: Sammy
"Okay, I'm just going to say it: I hate babies. I know, I'm a terrible person. But Amy tricked me into dressing up as a baby for Halloween when we were eleven. She claimed that she was gonna dress up as one, too, but she really dressed up as a queen, leaving me to hang. I swear, next to her shaving my head, that was the most humiliating experience of my life! I've had a grudge against babes ever since."
End Confessional
Before taking off, Jasmine ripped a huge chunk of the pasta off Sammy and winked at her friend.
"Hurry, Shawn, hurry!" Dave cried as Shawn pulled handfuls of pasta off of his friend as fast as he could.
"I going as fast as I can!" Shawn cried. But it wasn't enough. The goop was extremely sticky and heavy, making it difficult to pull off. The dragon was closing in on them. Dave looked around desperately and saw another bicycle horn. An idea popped into his head.
"Shawn! Grab that bike horn!"
"What for?!" Shawn asked.
"Trust me! I got a plan!"
Shawn did as he was told, and ran back to his friend.
"Now what?"
"We wait for the right moment."
The dragon was now in view. Right between Chef and the male Tigers.
"Dave?" Shawn asked nervously.
"Hold it…" Dave said. The dragon was mere yards away. Shawn was about to cut his losses and ditch Dave when the dragon raised its head.
"Honk the horn, Shawn!" Dave commanded.
"Are you crazy?!"
"Just do it!"
HONK!
Shawn honked the horn. Chef turned towards the sound and blasted another can of pasta in that direction.
SMACK!
The dragon was nailed in the back of its head by a Chef's shot. It grunted angrily as its chin struck the ground. Perhaps it was mere coincidence, or perhaps hitting the dragon's head had everything to do with it, but the dragon's eyes had finally adjusted to the light.
It turned around and saw Chef holding the bazooka, immediately realizing who had made it so angry. The dragon opened its wings and took off from the ground.
Confused, Chef peeked out from under his blindfold and saw the dragon flying straight towards him.
"Aw, crud." Chef shot another blast of pasta at the dragon, but the dinosaur dodged it. With no time to reload, the big man turned and ran for his life.
From Dave and Shawn's point of view, it was like watching a hawk catch a mouse. The dragon reached down with its front legs, seized Chef, threw him in the air, caught him in his mouth, and swallowed him whole. The dragon then flew back to its cave.
Confessional: Chef
"I don't get paid enough for this shit."
End Confessional
"That did not just happen!" Dave cried.
"What did not just happen?" Shawn agreed.
"Exactly!"
"Let's get going!" Shawn removed the rest of the pasta gluing Dave to the tree. However, by this point, the venom in Dave's system had numbed his nerves, essentially paralyzing him. Shawn slung him over his shoulders and raced to the end of the Pasta Blasta.
Meanwhile…
"Sammy!" Ella cried, just coming across the pasta-blasted cheerleader. "You dropped your baby! You must be more careful! They are so delicate!"
"Ella, can you help me break free?" Sammy cried, slightly annoyed.
"Certainly!"
"Let me handle it!" said Shawn. He dropped Dave to the ground and removed what was left of the pasta.
Ella took the opportunity to scoop up Sammy's baby. She now had all four of the Tiger's infants in her arms. She was utterly delighted but had trouble carrying them all. Even still, she was already thinking of ways to convince the Eagles to give her their babies.
"Whoa!" she cried.
Sammy lumbered tiredly towards the finish line, Ella wobbled, and Shawn trudged. It was quite time-consuming.
Confessional: Shawn
"Man, it was such a mess! Dave was paralyzed, so I had to carry him, and Sammy was too weak to hold anyone, so Ella had to hold all the babies! I don't think she was complaining, but it seemed like too much for her to handle."
End Confessional
Meanwhile, the Eagles had just made it to the finish line and had crossed over into the Avalanche Zone.
"Looks like Team Kinosewak is going to cross the second finish line first!" Chris announced.
"Yes! Go, team!" Jasmine cried, high-fiving Sky. But she was left hanging when she offered one to Topher.
"Oh-oh-oh! Hold up for a second!" Topher exclaimed, looking at Chris's phone. "I have all four bars!"
Finally, Scarlett lost her patience with Topher. She got up in his face and leered at him dangerously.
"If you keep us from winning," Scarlett threatened, her voice becoming a growl. "You'll wish you'd never met me!"
Confessional: Topher
"Uh… when did Scarlett get so scary?"
End Confessional
Chris then arrived, wearing a parka. Also with him were the interns, pushing in several baby carriages.
"Congratulations, Team Kinosewak." He greeted quietly. "Still in the lead and just one more zone to go! But first, I need to hand in your babies!"
"Why?" Sky asked, confused.
"Lawyers called Chef's phone and said something about danger and babies and lawsuits, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah." Chris mumbled, as the interns confiscated the babies and put them into the carriages.
"So you, uh, didn't have a backup plan to, uh, keep things interesting, huh?" Topher mocked. "It's like you're… losing your touch or something!"
"Slow your roll, junior." Chris scolded.
The Eagles took off, taking it slow and steady, as their lead provided some leeway for caution.
"Okay, seriously!" Jasmine whispered loudly. "Why haven't I seen this part of the island before? It- it's like it just popped into existence!"
"Nope! Always been here!" said Chris, firmly. "Maybe you aren't as observant as you think!"
Finally, the Tigers arrived. Shawn tossed Dave onto the ground. And right after that, Sammy collapsed, finally succumbing to the paralysis that had overtaken Dave.
"Hey, guys!" Chris greeted. "Before you go any further, I'm going to need you to hand in your babies!"
"Aw, but why?" Ella whined, still struggling to carry all four of the babies.
"Because the lawyers said babies can't be in danger and whatever!"
"Good to know that not everyone involved in this show is completely insane." Dave grumbled.
"Oh, darn. No more babies." Sammy mumbled sarcastically.
Ella reluctantly deposited three of her babies into the carriages. She still held her original baby in her arms. The interns eyed her sternly.
"Can't I just keep one?" Ella whined. The female intern folded her arms and shook her head. The male held out his hand, expectantly.
"Ella, just give it up!" said Shawn. "It's not even safe for babies to be here!"
Ella sighed, realizing that Shawn was right.
"Farewell, my little angel!" she said sorrowfully. She kissed her baby on the head and laid him in the carriage.
"Now that that's out of the way, who wants some rattlesnake venom antidote?" said Chris, holding up a bottle of purple liquid.
"Me…" Dave and Sammy moaned.
"I assume your lawyers are making you do that as well?" Shawn accused.
"You do have a brain!" said Chris. Shawn rolled his eyes and took the bottle. He walked over to Dave and turned him over onto his back. Ella held his head up as Shawn emptied half the bottle into his mouth. They repeated this process for Sammy.
Before Sammy had finished swallowing her dosage, Dave was already getting to his feet, looking energized and excited.
"Woo!" he shouted. "I feel like a million bucks!"
The mountain began rumbling, threatening a landslide.
"Yeah. Maybe put on some shush." Chris suggested. Dave covered his mouth.
"Ah. I feel so much better." Sammy sighed in relief. "Come on, let's go!"
"What's the point? It's gonna take a miracle to win, now!" Dave griped pessimistically.
"Hey, I didn't rescue you from a dragon so you could bail!" Shawn scolded quietly. "You think Sky wants to date a quitter? Give your head a shake!"
"Alright! Alright!" Dave hissed. "I'm coming!"
The Tigers began speed-walking as fast as they could.
"And Team Maskwak is finally entering the Avalanche Zone!" Chris narrated. "But with the lead, Team Kinosewak has, they'll be hard to catch!"
The campers all walked in single-file. With the Tigers, Shawn led the pack, followed by Dave, then Sammy, and Ella brought up the rear. With the Eagles, Sky was in front, followed by Jasmine, then Scarlett, and Topher was in the back.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
"It's the network!" Topher cried, picking up the phone. "You've got the Toph-man! Speak to me!"
"We've been watching you, kid." said a man in a low, grunting voice. "And we like what we see!"
"Well! Thank you for noticing!" said Topher modestly.
"It's time we put Chris out to pasture. You interested in… taking over the show?"
Topher couldn't contain himself.
"YES!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. The mountains started to rumble violently. Snow came pouring down.
"I'm gonna rip you a new arsehole!" Jasmine threatened. However, this would have to wait, as she, Topher, Sky, and Scarlett were buried in a minor avalanche just ten feet short of the finish line. This bought the Tigers plenty of time to surpass them.
"You were saying?" Shawn asked Dave, slyly.
"Hallelujah!" said Dave.
"And it's Team Maskwak for the win!" Chris announced. The Tigers cheered and exchanged hugs and high-fives. The interns reappeared with several Saint Bernards to dig the Eagles out of the avalanche.
As the Tigers placed their fast food orders, Ella went up to Chris.
"Chris, may I see the children again, please?" she asked politely.
"Sorry, Ella." said Chris. "You want a baby, do it the old-fashioned way."
Ella sighed dejectedly. Dave patted her comfortingly on the back. Meanwhile, the Eagles had been dug out of the snow by the dogs. The girls all leered at Topher, but he didn't seem to care.
Elimination Ceremony: Pimâpotew Kinosewak
When the Tigers arrived to take their seats in the peanut gallery, they found that the Eagles were all wrapped in blankets. Ella and Sammy cast them sympathetic looks. Dave and Shawn on the other hand, had less sympathy for them, given how dirty they had played that day.
Much to Dave and Shawn's shock and relief, Chef Hatchet appeared, alive and unharmed, and carrying the Tigers' meals.
"Chef! You're alive!" Dave yelled. Chef merely grunted.
"Dude!" Shawn exclaimed. "How'd you escape?!"
"Well, it took about five hours, but-" Chef started.
"Never mind! Forget I asked!" Shawn interrupted, a look of disgust on his and Dave's faces.
Finally, Chris appeared with a tray of three marshmallows. At the sight of this, Topher laughed sinisterly.
"What are you so happy about?" Scarlett sneered. "You know you're going home, right?"
"We'll see who's going home tonight!" said Topher cryptically.
"The votes are in!" said Chris with an air of satisfaction.
"Scarlett, you're safe!" Chris tossed the first treat to the brainiac, who blew a raspberry at Topher. "Jasmine and Sky, you're also safe!"
Chris tossed marshmallows to the male Tigers' love interests. By process of elimination, that meant Topher was eliminated, but this didn't seem to occur to him, as he kept smiling smugly.
"And I'm ecstatic to announce that-!" Chris began.
"You're eliminated, Chris!" Topher declared, throwing his blanket off, hopping out of his seat, and pointing gloatingly in his face.
"Who, me? Whatever do you mean?"
"News flash!" Topher turned to the other contestants. "Chris is going home and I'm taking over the show!"
The other campers gasped, looking utterly flabbergasted. Chris, on the other hand, didn't look shocked at all.
"I got the phone call from the producers during the challenge! That's why I cheered! And that's why I don't care that we lost! Because I am now in charge!" Topher then turned back to Chris who still seemed unfazed. "Yeah, I never admired you, ya fossilized has-been! I was just stroking your ego so that you would let your guard down!"
"That's what you were more concerned with?!" Scarlett exclaimed.
"Yeah! Woohoo!" Topher cheered.
"OH, TOPHER! SORRY TO SAY, BUT THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE IN PLANS!" cried a voice over the intercom. Topher cringed. It was the same grunting voice that he had heard over Chris's phone.
"Wait, what?" Topher whimpered. He turned around to see Chris holding up the radio to the intercom, and smiling wickedly. "You?! It-it can't be!"
"Here's a lesson, Toph: when it comes to showbiz, never play a playa!" Chris bragged. He laughed and turned to Chef. "I knew he had my phone ever since he bumped into me back in the monkey challenge!"
"But how'd you know he was calling the producers?" Chef asked.
"It's what I would have done!" Chris explained.
Topher looked more confused than a caveman in the future. He mumbled incoherently and crossed his eyes.
"Um, Chris?" said Dave. "I think he's broken."
"Good!" said Chris satisfactorily. Chef picked up Topher, stuffed an Evel Knievel helmet onto his head, and took him down the Cannon of Shame. If he hadn't been so confused, Topher might have complained about the helmet messing up his hair.
"You've got a lot to learn, kid!" Chris grunted, once Topher was sticking out of the cannon. "Ha! Later!"
KABOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Topher screamed. Getting shot out of the cannon seemed to have snapped him out of his disoriented state. Chris turned to the camera and closed out the episode.
"It just goes to show you that with age comes the wisdom to recognize yourself in someone else!" he stated wisely. "And the courage to fire them out of a cannon! Tune in next time for more pain and less Topher! Right here! On Total… Drama… Pahkitew Island!"
Epilogue
"Boy, what a nut!" Dave exclaimed.
"I know right?" said Sammy. "I mean, I knew there was something off about him, but seriously? Trying to take over the show?"
"Yeah! And here I thought he was in the top fifty percent in terms of sanity!"
"Hey, are we the only guys left?" Shawn asked Dave in a whisper. Dave looked around. All other campers were female. Leonard, Rodney, Max, Beardo, and Topher were gone.
"Yup, I think so…"
"What do you think that means?"
"That this season has more sane girls than guys?"
"Yeah, true. Though Beardo was cool, too."
Votes
Jasmine: Topher
Scarlett: Topher
Sky: Topher
Topher: Sky
Results
Topher: 3 votes (Eliminated)
Sky: 1 vote
Rankings
8. Topher
9. Beardo
10. Max
11. Rodney
12. Amy
13. Sugar
14. Leonard
Author's note: When you think of TDPI characters that started out good but went bad, who do you think of? Dave, probably. Maybe you'll think of Sky. But how many of you think of Jasmine? I know I do. In the canon episode, I found Jasmine to be obnoxious and unlikeable. The way she projected her troubles onto Sky and bullied her into playing dirty rubbed me the wrong way. In some ways, Jasmine was also to blame for Skave failing. Some people say she was robbed when she was eliminated, but I saw it as karma for her terrible behavior in this episode. That aside, I already called attention to that in my last fic, so I felt it unnecessary to do so in this one. So, anyway how better to fix Jasmine, than by having the main villain manipulate Sky into betraying Dave, instead? On another note, with Max gone, I decided not only to transfer his ironic love of babies to Ella (where it's not so ironic anymore) but also go a completely different route with Sammy, with her disliking babies. I hope that's not too odd for a sweet teenage girl like her. And as for Topher, I'm sure you all saw it coming from a mile away. His canon story was nothing special but worked as filler, so I hardly changed it.