Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has seen this story through with me! I am grateful for all of my readers and especially for the encouragement of your reviews and messages. Katbybee and Piscean6724, the two of you have been a wonderful font of encouragement and ideas! You have really helped me take my writing to the next level. Marbo, you're right, Johnny was NOT happy about being a blond. Yes, dying the hair in the hospital bed was likely messy, but Jo is used to working around a toddler and I'm sure she made preparations to deal with the mess. As for what's next, I'll be getting back to Through the Flames now.
If you've missed chapter seven, be sure to go read it before you read this. I posted twice in fairly quick succession, so it would be easy to miss it.
This epilogue brings the story to a conclusion and takes us right up to the beginning of story number two in my Beauty for Ashes series, The Gift. Even if you have already read this one-shot, it could be worth taking another look as I have edited to take into account the events of this prequel. I have not made any really substantive changes, though.
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Epilogue
December 10, 1975
Dear Mr. Gage,
I hope you will get this letter. My counselor suggested sending it to Nurse Dixie and asking her to give it to you. I'm a little nervous writing to you but I need to. Of course, words can't ever be enough to make up for what I did, but I want to say them anyway. I am so very sorry for what I did to you. I know that doesn't change anything and I don't expect you to forgive me or anything. But I wanted—I needed—you to know.
Thank you for your letter requesting that the judge in California give me leniency. I pled guilty because it was the right thing to do, but thanks to you and the DeSotos, I got probation and community service and was sent back home to serve that sentence. The judge here did the same thing. Dr. Reed and Dixie also wrote letters on my behalf and I think it really made the difference. So many people have been so kind to me and it's a little hard for me to take it in.
I did lose my job at the hospital and my nursing certification, but I will be allowed to recertify in a few years if I stay out of trouble. I'm not so sure I want to. I am performing my community service hours in an animal shelter and I love working with the animals. There's something healing about spending the day surrounded by dogs and cats. My supervisor has promised me a job once I've served my required hours if I want one.
My mom and I are getting to know one another again. It's a good thing. She and my father are getting divorced. Mama says she should have left him a long time ago. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't like thinking they split up because of me, but I see how Mama is happy like she never used to be and then I stop feeling guilty because I know it's because he isn't around to make her feel like nothing… the way he always made me feel too.
Anyway, I would like to know if you're doing all right, but I understand if you don't want to write back to me.
Sincerely,
Shawna Taylor
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20 December 1975
Dear Shawna,
First things first, let's drop this 'Mr. Gage' business. My friends call me Johnny. Actually, just about everybody calls me Johnny. But I'd like to consider you my friend. Yes, I'm willing to forgive you. In fact, I already did, before you ever left Rampart. My dad told me something when I was a kid that I've remembered ever since. Dad thought he had heard it from a preacher once but he wasn't quite sure who said it first. It was, "Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."* I've had battles to fight all my life, Shawna. So have you. It doesn't do you or me any good if I hold on to anger over what happened. I'll admit, it's harder to forgive Guinness or Jed Hammond—that's the guy who shot me in the back. I'm still working on that. Maybe it doesn't make sense to worry about forgiving Guinness because he's gone anyway, but another thing my dad always said was that forgiving was as much for me as for the other person, that holding grudges would keep my spirit from growing the way it's supposed to.
I owe you some thanks, too. That last day, you saved my life and Megan DeSoto's life and maybe even the lives of everyone in Station 51. The fact that you were willing to risk your own life to do that tells me that there's a lot more to who you are than what Eddie Guinness saw. I'm really sorry your dad can't see that. There's no more hope for Eddie Guinness, but maybe there's still hope for your dad.
You asked how I was doing. I just graduated from my in-patient physical therapy program. In fact, I'm proud to say I exceeded everyone's expectations with my recovery. Tomorrow morning after they spring me, I'll walk out those doors on my own two feet. I'm going to stay with the DeSotos for Christmas and New Year's, and then I'm moving back into my apartment. Now I need to build up my strength and stamina so I can pass my recertification test with the fire department. I really want to get back to work.
It's good that you're working with animals. I know what you mean when you say it's healing. You see, I grew up on ranches—I was riding horses and roping calves and there were always a bunch of dogs roaming around. I wish I could have a pet, but my landlord won't allow it. We've got Boot, the station dog, but that's not quite the same as having one of my own. Besides, Boot only tolerates me. I think Chester B is responsible for that. But I'm not going to get down on Chet. He and I have this rivalry that never really lets up, but I'd trust him with my life and I know he'd do the same. He refuses to talk about it, but the guys at the station say that when everyone thought that vest was going to explode, he stayed right there with me the whole time. Yeah, we're good friends. Just don't ever tell him I told you so or I'll have to deny it.
I do have a horse. His name is Minko. That's Choctaw for Chief. But I board him outside the city and I haven't been able to see him since before I was injured. One of the first things I want to do now that I'm leaving the hospital is see him and go for a ride. Someday, I want to own horse property so I can keep him with me. Then I'll have more horses, too, and a dog of my own. Anyway, if you really like working with animals, maybe you should go back to school and study veterinary science. I'll bet you would make a great vet.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and to your Mom.
Your friend,
Johnny Gage
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December 31, 1975
Dear Johnny,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank you for your letter. You can't imagine the good it did me to read that you could forgive me. I felt like I could start breathing again.
I like the idea of becoming a vet. There's a college about an hour and a half from here that just started a veterinary education program. Maybe when I'm done with community service, I'll see if I can qualify. A lot of the classes I took to get into the nursing program should work for pre-vet, too.
My mom got me a puppy for Christmas. It's something I always wanted but my dad always said no to. He's a cute little fellow, a collie and German Shepherd mix. I hope you don't mind that I named him Gage. He's going to be a constant reminder to me of that quote your dad shared with you.
I hope your move back to the apartment goes well. If you want a good exercise for building strength and stamina you should do lots of stair climbing. But you probably know that already.
How is Megan? I was scared to ask in my last letter, because I wasn't sure if it was OK, but I would really like to know.
Shawna
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January 15, 1976
Dear Shawna,
I'm sorry it took me so long to answer. I've been real busy climbing lots of stairs. My apartment is on the third floor and there's no elevator. I could have stayed longer with Roy and his family, but it was time for me to get back home. Besides, I needed something to challenge me. After two weeks, I'm getting pretty good. This morning before going to work (I'm working in Dispatch till I recertify), I went up three floors to the roof before going down to the ground level. When I came home from work, I went all the way up and all the way down twice before going up to my apartment.
Megan is doing real good. She was having nightmares for a while and she didn't want to be away from her mommy and daddy at all. But she finally went back to preschool some time in November. JoAnne—that's her mom—was nervous about sending her, but Megan said she missed her friends and her teacher. She's going to be a big sister soon and she's excited. She turned four a few days ago, and for part of her present, I helped Roy turn their guest room into a princess bedroom so that the new baby can have the nursery.
I'm just as excited about that new baby as Megan is. After we finished working on the bedroom, Roy and Jo got a babysitter and took me out for a steak dinner and asked me to be the baby's godfather! Well, baptismal sponsor or something like that. I don't know a lot about being a godfather or sponsor or whatever—I used to go to church all the time with my aunt, but I haven't gone for ages and our church didn't have that anyway. Mostly it was Jo who was doing the asking, though Roy agreed with her that they should ask me. I said yes, of course, and I'm going to take it seriously. I might even start going to church again.
I don't mind you naming the puppy Gage. As far as I know, it's the first time anyone named a dog after me. Roy and I have delivered our share of babies over the last few years and there are at least a couple of little boys named John, a Gage, and even a little girl named Johnetta! I'm sure that your pup will bring honor to the Gage name.
Johnny
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February 2, 1976
Dear Johnny,
I've been thinking about what you said, about being kind and everyone fighting a hard battle and about forgiving. Do you think I need to forgive my dad? It scares me to think of it. I don't think I'm ready to see him.
When will you take your recertification test? Let me know how it goes, please.
I didn't want to jinx it by saying something too soon but I'm dating again. This time, it's a really decent guy, the kind I would have rolled my eyes at when I was in high school and college. When I first went home, I didn't think I could ever even look at another guy, but then he called me back in November. His name is Max and he's a paramedic like you. Actually, I think that he is a lot like you in other ways too. Not that I got to know you very well when we were at the cabin, but from watching you with Megan and from our letters, I think I have a good idea what kind of man you are. Anyway, I was crushing on Max when I worked at the hospital, right before Eddie came back into my life, but I never did anything about it. I couldn't have explained it then, but now I think it was because I thought Max was too good for me. I didn't think I was worthy of a guy like that.
Anyway, like I said, Max called me. He said he was worried about me after reading the news. We talked on the phone for hours several times before we actually went on a date. He knows everything about what happened. I was completely honest with him because I don't want to lie to anyone ever again. You know what he said to me? He said it's not who I was in the past but who I am becoming now that matters. That sounded to me like something you would say. At first, I didn't think we could ever be anything more than friends, but tonight he said he loved me. I think I love him too.
Shawna
P.S. Gage is turning out to be a real goofball of a dog. He eats everything, especially sofa cushions and shoes, and he always wants to chase firetrucks when he hears the sirens. Do you think it's the name?
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February 8, 1976
Dear Shawna,
I actually took my recertification test the very day you wrote your last letter! I passed with flying colors and even beat my old score. Three days later, I returned to duty on Station 51's A-Shift. Our first call out, I got to deliver a baby. They didn't name him Gage or Johnny, though.
I'm probably not the best person to give advice about your dad, but I don't think you need to go see him if you're not ready. Forgiveness isn't always something that happens in an instant. Sometimes you need time and distance.
Max sounds like a great guy. I'm glad you've found someone who sees the potential in you! But please don't put me on any pedestals. The Johnny Gage you're getting to know in these letters puts a lot more thought into what he says than the Johnny Gage who walks around and puts his foot in his mouth half the time (more than half if good old Chester B is telling the story). Max probably won't want to be up on any pedestals either. It's kind of a precarious position, you know.
Johnny
P.S. As for the dog, I haven't eaten shoes or furniture for years now, so I'm not sure what accounts for that personality quirk, but I'm guessing he'll outgrow it. Maybe he's bored? Chet would probably say that yes, it is the name, but his name is Chester B., so what does he know? I've been trying to find out what the B stands for, by the way. My guess is it's something like Beauregard or Buford. Someday I'm going to sneak a look at his file in Cap's office and find out. Well, I won't really. Cap would put me on latrine duty for life.
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February 15, 1976
Dear Johnny,
No more pedestals, I promise.
Max and I had a memorable Valentine's Day. Be watching your mail and you'll see what I mean.
Your friend,
Shawna
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"Hey, Johnny… whatcha got there?"
"Nothing, Mike." Johnny hurriedly stashed the burlap bag he was holding in his locker. He'd come in early to avoid any questions like this about the project he hoped to work on during any free time he might get during the shift. Time was running short, and he needed to finish it up soon.
The laconic engineer stuck out a hand and stopped Johnny from closing his locker and concealing the bag. "Not buyin' it."
With a long-suffering sigh and a glance around to make sure Chet wasn't anywhere near, Johnny finally pulled the bag out again and reached inside it. He produced a set of intricately carved oak candlesticks and held them up for Mike to take a good look. The second one was not quite finished, but if the tones stayed quiet, he hoped he would manage it today. Each candlestick had the tail feathers of a phoenix wrapping around the base, with the head tipped back and the beak opening to form the holder for a tapered candle. They weren't perfect by any means—woodcarving was a hobby from his younger days that he had picked up again during his recovery—but he had put his heart into them.
Mike examined the candlesticks and then handed them back. "I'm impressed, Johnny."
Johnny shrugged. "I wasn't sure I could do it till I tried. Believe me, this is not my first attempt—I went through a lot of wood to get to this point."
"Explains the bandaged fingers." Mike chuckled, then added, "What's the occasion? Trying to impress some girl?"
Johnny's hand flew to his chest. "Who, me?! Now, Mike…" But his voice trailed off. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket to retrieve a slightly creased envelope and held it out. "Here."
Mike took the envelope and drew out of it the invitation Shawna had sent a week before. His eyes widened as he read it. "She's getting married?"
"Yeah… to a really great guy, as a matter of fact." Johnny grinned. "She says he's a lot like me. She started writing to me in December and I wrote back. We've exchanged several letters since then. I had a feeling after she told me about Max, and I started working on these." He held up the candle sticks and then returned them to the burlap bag and put them in his locker. "Chris DeSoto showed me a book about the Phoenix, back before I went to rehab. The story meant a lot to me… rising from the ashes and all that. I thought Shawna might like it too."
Mike nodded as he passed back the invitation. "Think you'll go?"
Johnny shrugged. He set the envelope in his locker, then pulled off his jacket and hung it up. "I don't know. There's something… freeing about keeping our friendship on paper. I'll think about it."
"Johnny?" Cap's voice echoed through the locker room. "Hey, can I see you in the office, pal?"
"Sure thing, Cap." Johnny stuffed the rest of his gear in the locker. "See you at roll call, Mike." He hurried to Cap's office to find the man sitting hunched forward in his seat, looking concerned. "What's wrong, Cap?"
"I just had a call from Dixie. JoAnne had a bad fall early this morning. She's in surgery at Rampart having an emergency c-section. Roy's practically climbing the walls."
Johnny shuddered. He hated the idea of Roy waiting alone there at Rampart, eaten up with worry. "Cap… could I…"
Cap waved a hand. "Go. I've already arranged for subs, and C-Shift hasn't even gotten back from their early morning run yet. Roy needs you."
"Thanks, Cap. I appreciate it." Without another word, Johnny turned and sprinted back to his locker to grab his gear and the bag with the candlesticks. His brother needed him, and he was going to be there. It's what they did for each other. It's what they would always do.
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*The quote "Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" is often misattributed to Plato or Philo of Alexandria, but the more likely source is Scottish minister and author Ian McLaren, who lived from 1850-1907.