CHAPTER EIGHT
(JPOV)
I returned to the house shortly before dark, and headed for the garage still clutching tightly to the journal when the rain started to pour. I took cover and started to thumb through the beginning pages, my eyes squinting to focus on the fine handwriting that was written on the beginning pages for enscription.
I only made it half way through the paragraph, before Bella's voice cut in through the pounding rain on the metal roof.
"You're back in time for dinner." She half smiled from the door.
I tucked the journal under my workbench and turned her way at this.
"What's on the menu tonight." I half chuckled in reply.
"You'll have to wait and see." She hedged. "The table is set and it's ready whenever you are."
"Okay honey, I'll be right there."
She offered up another tired smile and headed back for the house, as I debated on leaving the journal tucked away for the time being, or digging a little deeper into it.
I chose the latter of the two and hurriedly retrieved the warn leather cover from under the bench, my heart picking up it's pounding rhythm, as I continued to skim over it's content. After only the first page, my eyes stung with the threat of tears and my hands shook from what I read.
'Love itself is thought of as effortless but keeping love alive can be one of the greatest challenges ever faced. Love is choosing to always fight for what you have found in one another and it's the willingness to sacrifice if need be. To hold on and never let go. To go against the impossibilities in search for a better tomorrow. When times get hard, to be daring enough to keep going. I dedicate this little journal to you, Billy. My hope is that you'll keep it forever.'
I grazed my thumb over the writing, seeing the way the pen had left her specific indentation there and it made me miss her more than I could say. Turns out, time didn't heal all wounds, sometimes it just made them grow worse.
My mother would've loved to see us all now. If I closed my eyes long enough, I could almost envision what her smile would have been like when she took the kids to the beach, or when she helped Bella cook some new recipe of hers in our cluttered kitchen. She would have undoubtedly loved every minute of it.
My heart felt heavy as my gaze looked to the next page, the message there more pointed and specific than before. I read the heading in a whisper then.
"Day one - Starting all over again in forty days. Love is communication and our words, or lack thereof, reflect the very condition of our own hearts. So, for the next day, resolve yourself to show only patience towards your spouse. Choose to hold your tongue, even when that proves to be difficult. Saying nothing at all is far better than to utter something you'll regret later. This is a starting point."
I drew in a thoughtful breath and reflected all the times I'd opened my mouth out of anger and bitterness lately. I cringed at the memory of some of our most recent arguments and swallowed hard with tangible regret, as I closed the journal and tucked it away for the night.
When I stepped into the house, all I could hear was the pounding of little feet running my way.
"Daddy!" Mason exclaimed, when he reached me first, his arms eagerly stretched up toward me before I'd even closed the door.
"Hey bud!"
"Mama made your favorite dinner tonight!" He informed.
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"Aunt Rachels home made chili and corn bread!" He grinned, as Madison reached out for me next, her tiny hands tugging at the hem of the flannel I'd shrugged into before leaving the garage.
"That sounds delicious." I told him, as I hoisted Madison into my arms and headed for the kitchen.
I stopped short just shy of the table and admired the many dishes there.
"See, daddy! Mama cooked all this for you today and she even let us help with the pie filling for dessert! It's cherry!"
I kissed them both on the cheek, and told them to wash up for dinner as my attention was drawn to Clarissa. Bella was showing her how to whip up the heavy cream for the pie topping, and I stilled at the sight of her carefully tying the loose apron around Clarissa's petite frame. She beamed up at her in return and listened, as Bella told her the right setting on the mixer to use.
"Okay, not too fast and not too slow. You'll get it." Bella softly encouraged with a grin of her own.
Clarissa's response was honest and heartfelt.
"Thanks for letting me help! Cooking with you is one of my favorite things to do."
"Mine, too." Bella admitted.
"I think the apron is still too big."
"Maybe we should get you one of your very own?" Bella countered then and Clarissa's whole face lit up at her offer.
"Really!?"
"Of course!"
She threw her arms around Bella's waist and I caught the emotion in her reply.
"Then we can cook together all the time. I love you, mama."
"We sure can, honey. I'd love that."
They soon broke apart as Clarissa excitedly pressed the higher setting on the mixer, sending the whipped cream flying in a dozen different directions.
"Oh no!" She shrieked, staring up at Bella before looking my way with guilt. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-"
Bella didn't even let her finish the apology. She merely took her face in her hands and peppered her cheeks with kisses.
"So, we try again. There is no such thing as a clean kitchen when you're cooking. You have nothing to be sorry for."
They both erupted into a fit of laughter as they looked around at the cream that was now splattered high on the cupboards.
"I guess cooking is messy." Clarissa giggled, before she motioned for me to join them at the counter. "Come on, daddy. You can help, too!"
Bella smiled at me over her shoulder, and it touched her eyes for the first time in months. The sight of it made my heart warm.
"I'm not sure if that's a good idea." I teasingly warned. "I'm sure mama agrees that I don't belong in the kitchen or anywhere near cooking for that matter. I think you two are better off without my aid."
"I disagree." Bella challenged, as she held out a spoon that was rounded with chocolate chip cookie dough. "We're making some cookies and I need your taste test approval. Get over here."
I took the spoon from her and just as expected, the mixture was perfect.
"M'good."
"See, we do need your help." She added. "Even in the kitchen."
After the last dozen of cookies were placed in the oven to finish baking, Bella took the cornbread out and placed the large pot of chili in the center of the table with a satisfied sigh.
"This looks great."
"Well, to be fair, it is your sisters recipe." She replied.
"I've had Rachel's Chili and no offense to my sister, but this doesn't look the same. My bet is that yours is better. No one cooks like you can, honey."
I watched while the smallest of blushes crept into her pretty face as another true smile formed there.
When we'd all had our second and even third helpings, the kids looked to Bella and asked to be dismissed from the table so they could play yet another game of Candy Land. She nodded and they all scattered away from their empty dinner plates in a hurry.
I stood and collected all the dishes, before placing them in the sink and refilling my bowl with more chili. Bella chuckled at this.
"So, you were serious when you said mine was better. Don't tell Rachel." She fretted, with a hint of amusement behind her tone.
"I was serious and no worries, your secret is safe with me." I replied, taking the now empty chair next to her at the table.
Bella paused and peered up at me in confusion, her doe eyes searching my own when I sat down and scooted over closer to her.
We always ate at opposite ends of the long dinner table and normally, she was always the last one to finish with her meal because she served all of us ahead of herself. Tonight, I didn't want her to finish dinner alone. Something so seemingly small and overlooked before carried more weight with me right now. It was one of the many things I wanted to change for us, and just as my mother had written in that journal - it was a start.
I refilled her glass of iced tea and noted her tear filled gaze when she stopped eating, and tentatively reached her hand up to touch my hair.
"You need another haircut."
"Been a while." I countered, stilling further at the feel of her fingertips gently running through the shaggy strands.
"I could do that for you tonight if you have time? When are you leaving for the border run?"
I caught her hand in mine as she dropped it and held her curious stare.
"I'm not."
Bella's gaze narrowed, causing a crease to form between her brows.
"Gentry's covering your run for tonight?" She guessed.
"He's covering for me every night...- till further notice. There hasn't been any activity in months and Brenner is really stepping up in his role in the pack. He's adjusting well. They have the numbers and they'll be in good hands during my absence."
She stared at me in disbelief then, her face filling with a noticeable worry when she pushed her plate away, and nervously looked out toward the living room where the kids were still playing.
"I thought you only went there to speak with him today? Work out a different schedule- I...-I didn't know that meant you'd be stepping down-" She openly fretted.
"It's not permanent. It's temporary. Gentry knows that. We have an understanding."
"Won't that pose a risk if-" She began, but stopped when I shook my head and caught swift hold of her hand again.
"Bells, I've put other things at risk...-"
She read my face without me needing to elaborate and her color paled considerably from my words.
"I don't want the pack safety to suffer. If something slipped through the cracks- that guilt would eat you alive. You know it would, and it would just become another source of tension and resentment between us."
I stared back at her, knowing she wasn't wrong should this occur. I would hate that.
"Gentry is ready for this. He has been for a while now. I'm fully confident in his abilities. We plan to hold a formal meeting about it tomorrow. So everyone is on the same page with this."
"Jake-..."
"I made a choice, Bella." I told her, motioning for her to step away from the table so we'd be out of hearing range for the time being. She followed after me toward the small sunroom we'd added onto the house last year, and nervously spun the wedding band around her ring finger, her gaze fixed on it when I looked her way.
"It'll be okay. They'll be alright." I assured her. "It's us I'm worried about."
Bella visibly flinched before meeting my gaze.
"Things aren't the same, Jacob. They haven't been since...-"
I already knew she felt this way, but to hear her voice it aloud now cut me deeper than I thought possible.
"I left you alone with that hurt. We lost something together."
"-and I pushed you away. We're both to blame. Equal parts, in my opinion." She admitted.
I thought of the journal again, redirecting my focus on what I'd read there prior and simply nodded in agreement with her.
Mason called for her then and she hurriedly went to see what he needed, her closeness when she passed me by making me reach for her.
"We have a lot to talk about. We have to start somewhere. Please tell me you still want that, too? Please tell me I'm not too late?"
Bella looked frozen in place, her wide eyes filling with emotion as she struggled to find her answer.
In that moment, a hundred different scenarios ran through my head and I found the very act of breathing to be hard.
Mason called for her again, this time with more urgency and she pulled herself free from my grasp with her parting response.
"Help me put the kids to bed? So we can talk? Please?"
I managed a nod and watched her as she helped Clarissa who was hurriedly trying to clean up the cup of spilt milk she'd tipped over while attempting to pour Mason another glass.
Within the hour, dinner cleanup was finished, and the kids were sound asleep after we'd taken turns reading them all their favorite stories. I waited in the sunroom, peering out into the darkness of the night with a knot in my stomach that felt immovable. My gaze drifted over to the blanket piled up on the daybed and I tightened my jaw, thinking of all the times I'd camped out there- on the off chance I wasn't running in wolf form until dawn.
Bella's answer to my question had been written all over her face and I braced myself for what was to come when she soon joined me by the large bay window.
I turned and studied her face, the moonlight touching her ivory cheeks as she stared out blankly ahead.
"Bells...-"
"You said we have a lot to talk about - and you're right, we do. But I don't know if you're ready to hear it."
"I'm listening." I told her.
"You asked me if it was too late and I'm ready to give you your answer. If I can get through it."
A/N: Thank you for reading. Please review.