This Beastly Salvation

Chapter Eight

Author's Note: **HEAVY ANGST AHEAD**

All I can say is that Spotify kept playing "The Resurrection Stone" and "When Ginny Kissed Harry" for me while I was writing both halves of this chapter so… blame the emotional crimes that are about to be committed on Alexandre Desplat and Nicholas Hooper please!

Sirius was leaning over Remus, grey eyes flashing. There was a familiar, boyish smile on his lips—the kind he saved for trivial moments of self-satisfaction. Remus was trying very hard to convince himself that what was happening was, in fact, trivial. He was struggling.

"Oh, god," Sirius's face transformed suddenly, his smile widening as he let out a harsh laugh. "I was just about to ask you how it feels. What a git."

Remus rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling, trying to maintain his cool. They were in Sirius's room at the Potters'. A fly was buzzing against the window, begging to be let back out into the summer heat.

"I know I could just let you go and ask, but…" Sirius paused, stubble crackling against his hand as he rubbed his face, "I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to let you go."

Remus kept his eyes trained to the ceiling, grateful that he didn't have to summon some clever response to that. Sirius stayed quiet and still for a moment too, until his hand was gently pressing down onto Remus's chest. It felt hot and electric through the thin fabric of his t-shirt, and it sent Remus's heart into overdrive.

"You're not scared, are you?" Sirius paused, his voice lower and more attentive. Remus waited a beat, not sure how he could respond. "Blink once if you're scared, twice if you're not."

The first blink was easy—but attempting another blink after that made Remus feel like he was tripping over his words, and he blinked several times without meaning to. Sirius let out a softer laugh and leaned down over Remus, forcing their eyes to meet. Remus swallowed hard as Sirius reached his free hand up and tucked some of his long black hair behind his ear. His lips parted.

Remus wanted to beg Sirius to stop. Not because he didn't want this to happen, but because he wanted it so badly that he wasn't sure he could survive any more games. He wouldn't have found himself there, helpless, if he hadn't agreed to play along with another of Sirius's stupid plans. It had seemed so funny in the abstract, to see what it would feel like to be petrified. Sirius had been excited from the start, pulling off all of the blankets and pillows on his bed and laying them down on the floor so that they would have somewhere soft to land. He had even volunteered himself to go first. Remus refused. He had told a half-truth, claiming that he was afraid of hurting Sirius—but more than that, he found himself nauseous at the idea of dulling any part of Sirius for any reason. It was like volunteering to pull the wings off a butterfly. It hadn't been difficult to convince Sirius to try it on Remus instead.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this still," Sirius murmured, cutting into Remus's thoughts. His eyes were softening in that dangerous way they did sometimes. The way that always led to Remus getting hurt. "You're always twitching and moving around, even in your sleep."

Remus looked away again, feeling like he might spontaneously combust if Sirius stared at him any longer. There was a hot, prickling sensation rising on his chest and ears, now. His telltale warning of an embarrassingly obvious blush.

"No," Sirius's breath caught and he moved his hand up to Remus's face, cupping his frozen jaw. "No, don't. Look at me."

Remus let his eyes dart back to Sirius, planning to look away again immediately, and found himself frozen. The mask that Sirius wore so well had slipped. His expression was somewhere between reverie and utter despair. Remus stopped breathing for an instant. Sirius licked his lips.

"Blink once if you want me to kiss you."

Remus blinked immediately, without giving it a second thought, even as he felt an imaginary punch to his gut that knocked the wind out of him.

Sirius's eyebrows arched upward and his nostrils flared as he shifted his body so that he could lean down all the way without toppling over. He paused, hot breath brushing against Remus's face, reminding Remus that he had to breathe too. He took one long, shaky breath in, and then Sirius was leaning down, and his lips were against Remus's, and a spark of anger was flashing through Remus, enraged that he couldn't reach up and pull his friend closer and taste the clove cigarettes on his tongue. Sirius only kissed him for a moment before pulling away, lifting his left hand up to cup Remus's face again. His eyes were wet and there was colour in his cheeks now, too.

"I'm so sorry, Remus," Sirius murmured, tracing his thumb along a long scar on his best friend's cheek. "I… I wish I wasn't like this. I hope you know it's not… it's not your thought."

Remus wanted to scream. He widened his eyes, trying his best to tell Sirius to let him go without being able to speak, but Sirius was looking away.

"I love you, you know."

It felt as though Remus had only just caught his breath before his stomach dropped six feet and was bombarded with butterflies. His head began to spin, the world rushing around him although he was laying completely still.

"I always have."

Remus squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stave off his dizziness, trying not to burst blood vessels in his instinctive attempts to move, to speak. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Sirius staring down at him, expectant, as if waiting for Remus's response. It took him a second to remember what was happening, and an uncharacteristically horrified expression tore across his face. "Merlin's beard," he hissed, "could I be any more of a bell end?"

He lifted his wand and muttered the words. The curse broke. Remus rushed upright, grabbing Sirius's shoulders and pushing him down so that he had him pinned to the ground in a matter of seconds. Pinned underneath him, Sirius's eyes were twinkling, face lit up with a huge, surprised grin.

"I should hate you, Sirius Black," Remus growled, voice coming out rough and angry, Sirius's given name sounding foreign on his tongue. Sirius's eyes traced over Remus's face, trying to guess what he would say. Remus bit his lip. "I really should."

Anxiety flashed across Remus's face and he leant forward, burrowing into Sirius's chest while still keeping him pinned. Sirius remained unusually still.

"I should hate you… but I've never wanted anything as much as I want you."

Sirius exhaled a small sound of frustration and awe.

"I don't deserve you," he nearly whimpered.

"No," Remus offered a crooked smile as he lifted his head again, "no, Padfoot, you most certainly do not."

Sirius blinked rapidly, as if trying to process what was happening. When he spoke again, his voice came out in a whisper. "You can have me. If you… if you really do want me."

"If I 'really do' want you?" Remus laughed, releasing Sirius from his grip so that he could land a gentle punch on his shoulder. "What else could I possibly do to make you understand?"

Sirius looked away. Remus was suddenly very aware of the fact that he was straddling Sirius, legs wrapped around his friend's hips. His jeans felt impossibly hot and constrictive.

"I just mean… I mean…" Sirius slammed his head back against the floor, wincing as soon as it hit the carpet. Remus felt a bolt of concern, but he did his very best not to give into it, wanting to let Sirius finish his thought. It was hard to get him to speak like this. "I mean I want you, too. Right… right now."

Remus frowned, not fully understanding what he meant.

"C'mon, Moony," Sirius rolled his head around in frustration, "Don't make me say it."

"Say wh—oh… oh." Remus flinched, pulling his hands away from Sirius's chest and bunching them up into fists as if he'd been electrocuted.

"Nobody's home, they won't be for a while…"

"But James—"

"With Lily," Sirius rolled his eyes. "Like I said, it'll be a while."

"Are you… are you sure?" Remus murmured, looking up to stare at the fly bumping up against the window. He felt a sinking feeling in his chest. "I don't want to do this if you… if you're going to change your mind."

"I wouldn't say it if I wasn't sure, Moony. You know that."

Remus closed his eyes, focused on the fly buzzing.

"Oi," Sirius reached up, touching one of Remus's wrists, thumb grazing over another scar. "We… it's okay if you don't want to. I didn't mean to… put you on the spot."

Remus forced himself back into action, turning to look back down at Sirius. He could see the walls being rebuilt and it instantly caused the anxiety Remus was feeling to be replaced with panic.

"No!" Remus lurched forward, cupping Sirius's face in both hands, eyes wide. "No. Stay."

Sirius paused, looked down at Remus's chest and then back up to his eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. Wouldn't dream of it."

The fly paused its incessant buzzing. Remus leaned in for another kiss. It was gentle and warm at first, and he could feel Sirius melt under him, hands trailing up to his thighs and squeezing. Remus hesitated, starting to pull back, but Sirius followed him. The air shifted and the kiss became more urgent, Sirius wrapping his arms around Remus's shoulders and tugging him closer, hips grinding up into him. Remus felt something primal overtake him, years of desire bubbling to the surface, and he found his teeth starting to latch onto Sirius's lower lip, to bite—

Remus jolted back when he realized what he was doing, trying to wriggle out of Sirius's grip. Rather than continuing to resist, Sirius let go, trailing his hands gently down his friend's arms. Remus rubbed his eyes compulsively, ignoring the soothing touch, as if he could wipe the thought from his mind. Once his heartbeat had slowed slightly, he peeked through his fingers. Sirius was smirking.

"What?" Remus mumbled, opening his fingers a little bit wider.

"C'mon, Moony. You can do better than that."

Remus felt his fear transform into fiery resolve. "Is that so?"

Sirius's face lit up again for a moment before Remus stole his smile with another kiss. This time, he did not hesitate. It felt like diving into a cold freshwater stream. This time, he could taste the cigarettes.

Sirius went to get them water afterwards, while Remus stayed wrapped in blankets on the floor. When Sirius came back into the room, he walked to the window and opened it up just long enough to let the fly out. They didn't say much else after that. Remus's head fit perfectly in his friend's lap.

The taste of Sirius's lips lingered on Remus's tongue for hours. Time blurred while he lay paralyzed on the cellar floor, so that the sensation of Sirius's body pressed against his own mixed together with the cold pleasure in Lucius's eyes as he'd turned and walked away. But then Remus's head would throb, and his tongue would get stuck to the dried roof of his mouth, and he would be kicked back out to the other end of the swirling mass of memories and emotions.

Moving in and out of the maelstrom, Remus cycled through emotions; fear, anger, heartbreak, despondency. He wanted to sleep, but every time he would start to nod off, his body would jolt him back awake, warning him of the danger of being magically constricted. He tried to listen to the sounds overhead instead, for some kind of distraction from his inner turmoil, but they remained dulled and distant, almost more frustrating to pay attention to than to ignore.

Several times, while racking his brain for anything to replace his memories of being bound by Sirius, Remus found himself returning to Tonks. He wondered what she was doing, if she'd been listening in through his earring. They had talked about Sirius before, of course; she was smart enough to have pieced most of it together beforehand. But Remus still found himself wondering if she would be hurt by the fact that it was talking about Sirius that got a rise out of him, rather than talking about her. But he knew better. She had said it herself. She knew that Sirius was a part of him.

Sometimes, tears would manage to make their way out of his eyes, tickling his cheeks and neck on their way to the floor.

Rage was the most comfortable option. He didn't have to think about it, to try and parse it out. He could let himself be consumed by his frustration without feeling any guilt at all. At times, he found himself imagining what it would be like to break free of the curse, repeating its counter over and over again in his mind. Finite Incantatum. How many times had he cast the spell without a second thought? If he could just summon it somehow, he could find his way to Lucius, and he could tear a wound with his words alone that would never be healed. A wound that would show his anger over the wasting of time, and the utterly inhumane torture he was enduring.

You aren't a human.

Remus wished he could shake that thought out of his own head. Even that was taken from him.

There was a sound at the door. Remus's eyes shot open, darting across the low ceiling, scanning the stone for a silhouette to help him identify who'd entered. Someone stepped inside, but they did not have the same heavy, scuffed tread that Remus was used to hearing.

"Lucius?"

It was a woman's voice, with a posh accent, although that didn't mean much when it came to old wizarding blood. Remus tried his best to swallow as he read her shadow, noticed her slim figure and the way her hair had been swept up atop her head.

"Oh for Merlin's sake," the witch hissed, and Remus watched as her shadow pulled her wand from her hip and held it aloft. "What have you been doing down here, Lucius…"

Her footsteps got closer. Remus felt his heart begin to pound, but in his exhaustion, it felt more like his whole body was pounding. The sensation was excruciating, causing his nerves to fight desperately to curl him into the fetal position despite being frozen in place.

The woman paused outside of the cell, watching him, silhouette blurring into one indiscriminate shape now that she was so close. Remus thought he heard her release one long breath over the rushing in his ears.

"Have you seen him, mutt?"

Remus blinked, feeling that same sense of powerlessness as he had back then, when Sirius asked him if he was afraid.

"Answer me."

Nothing.

The witch kept quiet for a moment. Remus felt goosebumps rise up on his chest and neck, the only sensitive parts of his skin that were exposed to the cold cellar air.

"You've got fresh water… he's been here recently, then?"

There was something in the lilt of her question that finally tipped him off. Narcissa. Remus could see her pale face in his mind's eye, beautiful and threatening as a snow-capped mountain. If she was here looking for Lucius, then it meant that he'd left the Manor altogether—and that his absence was unusual. Remus felt something between satisfaction and nausea stir in his gut when he realized that Lucius had been telling the truth: Remus really was his only concern.

"I don't know what he's done to you, Remus, but I assure you that I can do much worse if need be."

Remus did not doubt it.

"Oh, enough," Narcissa growled to herself. Remus heard the click of the lock, and the sound of her heeled shoes clipping over the stone floor until she was standing over him. He reopened his eyes slowly, blinking away the gritty sensation that comes with opening unrested eyes.

She was wearing a long green skirt, high-necked white blouse peeking out from under a black riding jacket. Between the jacket and the slight colour in her cheeks, Remus guessed that she'd gone looking for her husband outside, first. He folded and tucked the information away into the corner of his mind, wondering where on the grounds Lucius Malfoy liked to escape even as Narcissa knelt down beside him.

"He's petrified you?" she asked, furrowing her brow. Her makeup was carefully applied, lips stained a brilliant red. Remus could see her sisters, and his lovers, in the proud line of her jaw. "What a fool."

Remus widened his eyes at her, trying to convey his desire to be freed, but her wand was resting gently on her lap. Whatever anxiety there had been in her voice when she'd entered the room seemed to have been replaced with disquieted annoyance. She watched him in silence for another few seconds before finally sighing and rocking back on her heels.

"Have you seen him since he did this to you?"

Remus blinked his eyes once, twice, very slowly, holding her gaze between each movement, trying his best not to look annoyed.

Narcissa clucked her tongue, eyes dancing around the room as she considered something. "He's wasting time, leaving you here like this."

Remus rolled his eyes, trying to remind her that she had every ability to stop wasting their time.

"I'm not going to help you," she hissed, flinching as if she'd heard Remus's thoughts. "I've always been too kind to you. It's time I learn my lesson. Perhaps things would've been different if I hadn't let you get away with your… your defilement so many years ago."

Remus's breath caught in his lungs and he felt his eyes widen without his control.

"Not because he was a man," Narcissa expounded, raising her wand hand and waving it dismissively, "there's a long history of that in our family."

If he had been able to move, Remus might've laughed.

"No," Narcissa's voice was softer now, eyes settling back down on Remus's scarred face. "No, because you are a foul creature who poisoned Sirius's mind against our family. And one wasn't enough for you, was it? Nymphadora was doomed from the start, but you sunk your fangs in just the same, just to be sure. You don't know how not to poison good things, do you?"

The words cut in a way Remus had not expected. They felt sharper coming from Narcissa's mouth. The mouth that might have cooed at Sirius when he was a baby. The one that might've frowned when Sirius and Tonks's faces were burnt out of the family tree. He blinked again, noticing the sudden heavy, dull feeling settling into his limbs. As if his mind were disconnecting. As if he were finally being allowed to go numb. He stared up at the ceiling, past Narcissa's beautiful face, focusing on the shadows and stones.

"Perhaps if Sirius's mother had been able to bring him back into the fold, if the Potters had been more isolated, if he hadn't been blamed for so much, if he hadn't been there for Bella to… to send off," Narcissa's voice shook slightly as she said the words, "perhaps Lucius wouldn't be where he is. Perhaps our life wouldn't have… have forked off like this."

Narcissa reached her wand out and used it to trail along the scars on Remus's face. Some distant part of him knew that he should feel something, but it was as if he were outside of his body now. Looking over her shoulder, egging her on to hurt him.

"You've paid your own price though, haven't you? Your crimes were chosen for you before you had any say. If your parents had been merciful they would've watched you die, rather than condemn you to hurting others the way that you do."

Narcissa's shoulders tensed, rising up towards her ears. "I'd... I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to… to save Draco like that, if I had to. But it's more than you could ever truly ask a mother, isn't it?"

A much-worn mental image of Lily clutching Harry to her chest flashed in Remus's mind's eye. He blinked and was back behind Narcissa again, watching her wand as it rested on his brow, pushing some hair off of his forehead.

"I'm glad you've been caught, now. I hope they take whatever they can from you, and then I hope they stop you from ever being able to bring another dark thing into the world. When they're done with you, I hope Lucius brings your end quickly. Like an old game dog being put down."

She drew her wand along his jaw, resting at his chin.

"And if he doesn't, Remus," she murmured, her eyes becoming hooded, "and you remain a risk to a single member of my family," tears started to well in her eyes, "I swear that I will see an end to you myself."

Remus felt his consciousness shift closer to his own body, still looking on from outside, as Narcissa stood in one smooth movement. She never lost her balance, barely even flinched as she brought a finger to her face and wiped a tear away. She brushed her hands down the back of her skirt, smoothing the fabric out before tugging her riding jacket back down into place and tucking her wand into her pocket. She wrung her hands together for a moment as she looked down at Remus's body.

"I'll tell him to come down here and release you immediately when he returns. This is absurd. Even a filthy street dog should be treated better in its final days."

Remus tried his best to melt away, to become one with the wall and shadow. It had been years since he had longed so deeply just to disappear. The witch strolled back to the cell door and cast it open and shut. Remus did not try to watch her shadow leave.