Chapter 9 – Monster

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Marvel... unfortunately... xD

Author's Note: In which Steve and Bruce try to help Loki come to terms with the truth about his heritage. :)

~ Amina Gila

It's been two days since Steve learned about Loki's heritage, and he knows he needs to do something about it, though he doesn't know what. The knowledge that Loki loathes such an integral part of himself, no thanks to his upbringing on Asgard, filled Steve with a quiet horror. It's messed up, but it certainly explains a lot about the god. How his adoptive parents could have allowed him to be indoctrinated with tales of Jotun monstrosity – knowing that the day Loki learned the truth the same labels would be turned against himself – Steve doesn't know.

The disquiet nagging at him, coupled with his slowly growing fondness for Loki, are what finally prompt him to seek out Stark. Certainly, he knows that the billionaire can't do anything to magically make Loki stop seeing himself in a negative light, but at least if the other residents in the Tower are aware, they might be able to find a way to help Loki heal.

And maybe a small part of Steve thinks it'll be easier to focus his attention on helping the Asgardian rather than adjusting to this new society. It's so different from his childhood, from what he remembers from the war before he ended up in the ice. The people are different too, and he can't quite decide if it's for better or worse. They're freer, to be sure, more willing to accept others regardless of what perceived faults they might have, but… He just – he doesn't know. He wants to be back in 1945 with Bucky when neither of them joins the army. He wants a place to call home. He misses the friends he's had who have now moved on and died.

Maybe that's why he finds himself drawn to Loki. Loki isn't from Earth; he seems to know little of the culture of this era, and it's easier to speak to him when they both have traumas in their pasts. It helps that Loki, being from another realm, hasn't been raised in an era where Captain America is an icon. No one knows Steve here, except Peggy, and he doesn't think he's ready to go see her. Not yet. Loki sees him as a person, and it helps somewhat to have someone who sees him, instead of Captain America. It's easy for the world to forget that he's human, not so much for him.

Ignoring the lingering oddness at speaking to an invisible computer, Steve tilts his head towards the ceiling in his apartment. "JARVIS, may I speak with Stark?"

"Certainly, Captain Rogers," replies the AI. "He is presently in his lab. Is it urgent?"

"No," he answers, quick to dismiss the notion, "But it concerns Loki. And I would rather he not know of it, at least for now."

There's a momentary pause in which Steve assumes JARVIS is conferring with Stark. "You may come down to the lab," the AI informs him. Steve leaves the privacy of his apartment, hoping that Loki, if and when he learns of this conversation, won't be too upset that Steve relayed the information to someone else. To be fair, Loki had never said he couldn't, but he never said he could either.

Any second thoughts he has disappear when he steps into Stark's lab, music blaring loudly enough to make him flinch as his highly-sensitive ears – his hearing was enhanced by the serum along with all his senses – are assaulted by the sound. Stark sees him almost immediately and waves him over, turning off the music.

"This is a little unusual. So, what did you have to tell me about Loki, Cap?" Stark leans against the workbench, tinkering half-heartedly with something while glancing periodically at him.

"He spoke to me the other day and told me that he was adopted," Steve explains slowly. "I mean, it's not a big deal here, but apparently for him, he was adopted from a long-term enemy of Asgard, people that they consider to be monsters."

"Ouch," mutters Stark, shaking his head. "That's not cool."

"His parents never told him," Steve adds flatly. "He is not handling it well, even now, and I think that whatever happened when he discovered the truth is why he ended up being tortured and mind-controlled into coming here."

"Tough," murmurs the billionaire, something in his eyes which Steve can't really read. "He considers himself a monster, doesn't he." Steve nods, even though it's not a question. "We gotta deal with that probably, at least that's what Pepper would say, but I'm not really the one to do that." He shifts uncomfortably. "I mean, I'm not the go-to person for emotional conversations."

Steve just barely holds back a smile. He'd noticed already that Stark is not comfortable with emotional conversations. "I can't imagine what that would be like, so I can't help him either," Steve admits, crossing his arms, "But we have to do something, or someone needs to, because if we don't, this could blow up in our faces. It's all good and well to keep Loki here, but we have to do right by him. It will be pointless to let him stay if we can't even help him."

Not only can he not imagine the feeling, but also, he doesn't know what that kind of mentality would do to a person. Loki has immeasurable power, and Steve would much rather have him for a friend than for a foe. He's suddenly, irrationally angry at Loki's parents for keeping the secret of his heritage from him. He could have been raised with the truth, raised knowing that his blood doesn't change who is, that monsters are made not born. Steve fears that if they can't help Loki deal with his heritage and the torture he's endured, he could be driven to make everyone see him as he sees himself. That is a day he hopes will never come.

"Yep, exactly," Stark agrees, nodding. "You might want to go to Bruce, you know being that he's the resident rage-monster and all. He's not here right now, but I'll send him up to your apartment as soon as he gets back."

Steve musters a genuine smile. "Thank you, Stark," he replies.

"Anytime." Stark waves it away. "And Cap, call me Tony." He flashes a grin at him, and Steve rolls his eyes before leaving the lab, heading to the gym instead of his apartment. He should have plenty of time to work out some of his excess energy before Dr. Banner returns.

**w**

Bruce slowly works his way through a calming technique before he enters the library where Loki ought to be waiting. After Steve spoke with him yesterday, they'd worked out a way to distract Thor so he and Loki could have a chance to talk. Thor's been hovering a lot, and while Loki obviously appreciates it to an extent, it's also been irritating him. Hence, the decision to keep Thor busy with something for a few hours while giving Loki some alone time.

Loki is sitting in a chair, a few books stacked in front of him on a table. They look to be on a variety of subjects. He glances up when Bruce slides into a nearby chair. "How are you healing?" Bruce asks before Loki has a chance to say anything. It seems like the safest way to start the conversation. Ever since Loki first asked for his help – and part of him can't believe that he really did – he's been checking periodically to ensure that the injuries are healing. It was jarring to see the damage, damage which Loki had even when he first arrived on Earth. Bruce can't even imagine how he was able to move like that, much less fight.

Loki shifts his shoulders, expression betraying only the faintest twinge of pain. "Well enough, Dr. Banner," he replies courteously, "But you did not arrange this simply to ask me that question." His eyes narrow almost imperceptibly. "If you had, you would have requested that JARVIS inquire after my health."

Bruce can't help the faint smile. Loki is so perceptive, but it doesn't unnerve him. Not truly. He knows who he is, and he doesn't fear being seen as a monster; he's not much more than that, much as he tries to control the Other Guy. Even now, even when Bruce is perfectly calm and at ease, he can feel the Other Guy pacing in his subconscious, eager to escape and wreak havoc on all and sundry.

"I heard you were a Jotun," he explains carefully, hoping that he doesn't unintentionally upset Loki, "And that they're a race of beings Asgard consider to be monsters, is that right?"

Loki is perfectly still for a moment. "Yes," he says at last, "That is correct." He pauses for the fraction of a second. "Did Thor put you up to this?" The suspicion in his voice is almost palpable, and he seems irked at the prospect.

"No. No," Bruce hastily reassures him. "He doesn't even know about this." At least he doesn't as far as Bruce knows. This is something that Steve had specifically asked of him. "I just wanted to tell you that I do not believe that monsters are born. I think they're made." He smiles slightly, a hint of bitterness in it, as he thinks about how Hulk was created. He doesn't know what he would think about himself if he had been born with the Other Guy – probably very similar to how Loki feels about being Jotun – but at the same time, he has to cling to that belief. It's the only thing that keeps him from going insane.

"If I didn't believe that, I would lose my sanity wondering when the Other Guy will ultimately take control," he admits. This isn't something he talks about much, or at all actually. It's different for Loki because he'll understand.

Loki's expression remains impassive, and Bruce wishes that he knew what the god was thinking. "And the point is…?" Loki queries finally.

"I know what it's like to think of yourself as a monster," he tells him, "And you don't need to let it define who you are or what you do. I did for a time, but then I learned." He hopes that Loki will actually listen to him, that he isn't so lost in his own self-loathing that he refuses to understand what he's being told.

Loki smiles thinly. "You don't know the Jotuns as I do."

Bruce forces himself to remain calm, even as his horror begins to rise. He understands now, why Steve wanted him to talk to Loki. His utter loathing for his race is horrifying. How could his adoptive parents have allowed such a dangerous mentality to be fostered? "Loki good. Hulk smash them," insists the Other Guy.

"Shut up," Bruce fires back at him. He refuses to have an incident simply because the Other Guy is getting twitchy about the situation. At least they're both in agreement that Loki should have known the truth. "Did you know some personally?" he wonders aloud.

One corner of Loki's mouth twitches upwards, though he looks far from amused. "There is nothing for me to know," he answers steadily. "I understand what you are trying to do, Dr. Banner, but it is futile. The Jotuns are monsters, and it is only a matter of time before you realize that truth extends to me as well."

Bruce can't quite suppress the wave of sadness which washes through him. "You aren't alone in thinking yourself a monster," he reminds him, tony level, "And maybe I am. Maybe you are, but that doesn't mean that we can't do good and help others. It's about choices. That is what I believe."

Loki huffs out a breath that's not quite a laugh. "A noble sentiment, but I'm afraid it is rather naïve. Perhaps we are both monsters, but I was born this way. It is not something I can change or wish away, no matter how much I might want it." A hint of wild desperation flashes through his eyes, but it's gone just as fast, leaving Bruce to wonder if he hadn't imagined it.

He knows he isn't going to get any further by pushing. Loki's mentality can't be rectified overnight, or even within a year. It will take immense time and patience. But still, there is one more thing which he can say. "Maybe so," he grants, "But you aren't alone. Just remember that." Loki says nothing, and after a moment, Bruce rises to leave. Loki doesn't stop him.