Okay, I know I said I'd wrap this chapter up before April ended but... you know. My personal dartboard ran out of excuses, so here it goes; the longest chapter by far.
One more part left to go... for now?
"It's alright." She mouthed, with a smile that just barely passes as comforting to anyone else.
In the moments leading up to her touch, I felt as if some strangers on the train looked over my shoulder as if they wanted to see what I was looking at on my phone. Some would say 'well if that makes you feel dirty and guilty, why do it in public?'.
In my attempt to mentally escape the scene, she wanted to remind me I was still there. Even if I decided to check out of the conversation, my body was still there. What's the point though?
Here's a good question; why am I trying to… reopen myself to the rest of the world right now? Wasn't it the world that drove me to isolation? Well, part of that is true; I only dug myself deeper and cut myself out because not looking and being safe was better than being exposed.
With that said, the questions plaguing me now are 'why am I hesitating? Didn't you make up your mind when you invited her over? Why am I cutting myself off again when I prompted everything that happened tonight?'
Logically, nothing about the interactions so far have signalled that they don't want anything to do with me. Though if that were the case, why were they so distant in the past? Did it really have to take the intervention of a third party for all of us to glue back together? Even if tonight went well, the trail goes cold with the way their schedules are set up; work, work, work and occasionally drink copious amounts of alcohol every night to appease your boss. Rinse, repeat, probably cry when you get home. The only reason we got a chance to steal my parents away was because there was a special occasion.
Even Hiratsuka-sensei said something similar: 'Eventually, you'll only meet once every 6 months to once a year. You'll stop seeing each other less and less, and then you'll only ever really meet during family occasions or class reunions. And lastly, you'll stop remembering them ever again.'
'... only if you don't do anything.' (1)
Connections come and go, there's no avoiding that. You wouldn't believe how many middle school couples broke up right after graduation because they couldn't follow each other whilst financially dependent on their parents. And it'll probably be the same for a lot of kids in Sobu when the time comes. I just hope no one asks for conflicting help on confessions when the time comes...
After that though, you go to college, go to work, and In time, you'll probably only remember the good times, and forget about the pain inflicted by the circumstances of separation from the people you thought would stay forever. That. There's something important there.
…
…
…
Yukino's hand rested on mine, while my own was silently fighting its own confusing battle.
Hmm, she's holding my hand and I'm feeling a bit sweaty. That's a middle school nightmare right there.
I think I'm starting to realize that there's significance in having something, or someone, that is a constant. I wasn't ready to let go of my connection to Yukino, and I realized that when it was almost too late. Does the same kind of time frame exist with my parents? Will there be a time where after I leave home, that I will be completely away from their grasp?
The physical distance can always be overcome, but the pull of that connection, that relationship. As it is now, it's just bound to suffer the lack of a redefinition. Maybe it's just my pride? There's definitely a lot of resentment against them, deep down in here; most of which is uncalled for, probably.
I've been here before. I think that's it. So again, why did I shut myself off so suddenly? I know I want to reconnect, but it's almost as if my body does not.
It's... amazing how much things can surprise you; I realize that right now. I thought I had myself figured out in my first year of high school. I thought I'd felt it all when I laid it all out to them that one afternoon in the cold, gold autumn. I thought I'd see it all when I heard the words 'I love you', for the first time from her. All this time, I thought I perfectly understood what I was looking for, but the closer I seem to get to it, and the more questions I find answered, even more questions make themselves known.
I guess it shows what I really knew, what I thought I knew, and what I have yet to figure out.
Remembering Yukino's hand was on mine, I switched the grip and held her hand in my palm. In a mild episode of confusion and uncertainty, I'm glad there's someone to fall back on. In fact, she's been doing so much of the heavy lifting tonight. I feel bad and a bit inadequate knowing how far out of her way she's going just to make this night enjoyable. There's no doubt that she's going to be dead tired after this. No matter how capable she is, she's still one of the few people as introverted as me.
It's not wrong to hold onto the familiar, right? For once, I'm taking something that Haruno-san said close to me. At least for a moment. For a moment, I don't need to take a step forward. Sorry, sensei, but at least your original assumptions are vindicated.
"Onii-chan!" Komachi-san said, bringing him back into the conversation. "I just remembered something!"
"Uh, alright, but why are you telling me specifically?"
"Hehehe… it's something I want only you to hear."
"Kinda defeats the purpose when you announce it to the entire table…"
"Whatever!" Komachi-san stood up, her chair making a loud dragging noise as she used her legs to push it back. She trotted up to Hachiman and took him by the arm. "Come come!"
If I know Komachi-san, she might be a bit of an airhead at times… those times being quite numerous and not far in between, but she is very socially remarkable, almost to the point that it borders on telepathy from my point of view.
As expected, right as the two siblings stood up from their chairs and headed to what seemed like the second floor, Komachi-san winked at me with her left eye, so as to not draw attention to everyone else.
Clearly, I had my work cut out for me...
"Forgive our daughter," Hachiya-san said. "She's a bit flighty sometimes."
"Oh, I'm well aware. I've been interacting with her for about a year at this point. And it's only recently that we've been with each other almost every day."
"That long?" Yatsu-san said. "It's strange how she hasn't mentioned you before."
"I'm sure she has her reasons."
When I look back, I realize that our interactions were few and far in between; only really intersecting whenever her brother was involved in something and she just happened to tag along. It's only recently that we've spent time around each other on a more regular basis; therefore solidifying a connection.
With that being said, most of the time, her motivations are sometimes far beyond my understanding. That instance is one of those times. This current one, however, is not.
Now that he isn't here, I notice that they've noticed that there was a change in the atmosphere. The faces they're hiding tell me that they feel a bit bad about feeling some sort of relief. The relief isn't based on the reality that he is gone, but relief that they aren't going to trip on something seemingly volatile.
"Yukino-san." Hachiya-san spoke up slowly.
"Hmm?"
With a somewhat sad smile, she put her next familiar words together. "So um, how did you two get together? We were only given a summarized version of the story when we asked him last week."
It seemed quite a bit easier to press the chattier half of the pair. It's not that I had an easier time answering, but I, as the guest, have the unspoken obligation to speak more but also the leeway to not be as gabby as I'd like. If I might channel my other half for a moment; at first glance, one may call this a social paradox. The obligation as the guest is that I ought to have my hosts entertained and communicative, but it's also the understanding that the stranger is expected to not speak too much lest they appear self-absorbed. The only thing stopping this event from being a contradiction is that there is a way in which one can balance the two halves.
Unfortunately, I'm not the right person.
I took an extended sip of water in order to collect myself to find the appropriate wording for this situation. I'm aware that Hachiman wants to bridge the gap between him and his parents, and I'm sure they feel as much too, but both are keenly aware of the barriers either side has erected, but are unaware of the breadth of said things and are cautious as a result. Would it be fair for me to recite the story without his input? I don't want to take the responsibility and will away from him, but how do I do so without offending my hosts?
The solutions were much simpler when I was always talking to people in the same age group. There's much more to get away with when you're not speaking to an adult.
Struggling to decide, I settled on a fairly neutral answer. "I'm quite sure my answer wouldn't be any different from his."
At least this way, I can open up different pathways to more options, as I couldn't come to a conclusion in my previous responses. I'm aware that very few people treat conversations as such a meticulous game; they're either socially strange or maneuvering politically. In this instance, one could make an argument for both, though for the sake of my feelings, I'm going to say it's the former.
"Ahaha, are you two just shy? That's fine too."
The word 'shy' is a bit of an understatement, and just generally a grossly overused term.
"Well," I continued. "I understand what you're implying when you ask such things."
"You both seem rather hesitant about talking about your get-together story."
"Um, I think his recounting of the events will always be rather bare and summarized if he doesn't explain the specifics."
"Specifics… I see…" Hachiya-san sighed deeply. "That's where the problem lies."
…
...
…
"So you were always aware?"
It's not about being bashful over the details of the events, or the events themselves. I was more concerned over what was implied by him being able to divulge the deepest parts of his feelings. It'd be cut and dry for me to say something along the lines of 'he wants to talk to you, but please give him time'. As much as I want to, it doesn't sit right with me. I may be his partner, but that doesn't remove the agency from this part of his life. It's entirely possible that it's not like that at all, but it'd make me feel like a mother apologizing on behalf of their child.
I was already very much aware of the situation in this household, but I wanted to at least get a peek of the parental side of things and get them to talk. Hachiman himself admitted last week that the situation is more complicated and skewed than just how he viewed things.
Empathy and hindsight tend to go hand in hand.
"I guess it can't be helped." She said to herself as her husband nodded along sadly.
"I'm so sorry, Yukino-san," She shook her head low before pushing up her glasses and looking back up. "I didn't want to have to pull you in and talk about an issue that shouldn't concern someone from outside the family."
"W-Well… I'd rather not sound so forward, but as much as possible I'd like to be honest. Is that preferable?"
They nodded and sounded their approval.
"Then, please don't worry about my future involvement. I… already had an idea of what to expect, but I did not harbor any resentful feelings. With my relationship with him and me being invited here, eventually I'm going to be a part of the fa- family…"
No one would ever bring someone home to their parents if they weren't serious about them. I just want so much to emphasize the intent behind my whole visit here; I want to be a part of this world, whatever it may have in store I will take it with me.
Yes, including all the embarrassing things I have to say...
"You sound like you're serious…" Yatsu-san said, chuckling softly.
"I wouldn't have accepted this invitation if I wasn't... I- um, let alone getting to d-date each other. I'm not the type of girl to be so lackadaisical with things such as this."
Uptight, self-righteous, selfish, stubborn. Whatever descriptor is thrusted upon me is one more reason to not lose hope. It's probably the one thing my mother and I share in common, much to our mutual disagreement. While things are similar, it does not equate to finding understanding. In fact it is because we are similar in this manner that we don't get along.
I continued speaking, hesitating as if I were attempting to start a big project.
"So I don't mind being subject to these tribulations. In fact, I welcome the opportunity if it means I get to start our relationship off wholeheartedly."
"Huh…" Yatsu-san said. "You really aren't like other teenage girls that we know."
"I… I'm sure that it comes with its own struggles; I mean, I know it does."
"So I imagine." Hachiya-san followed through. "You must've had a rough school life being so earnest when everyone else just wanted to have fun with their youth."
"It's not that I didn't want that, but I suppose my priorities were somewhat out of order for a long time."
"...Rough family?" She said somewhat knowingly.
I suppose everyone has their own preconceived notions regarding families like mine. Not that they're wrong, sadly.
"That's one way to phrase it… Anyway, it was really only after spending time with your son and our other friends that I realized plenty of things; there was always a place for people like me, but it just took a while to ensure that I found it. I personally see it as us being able to help each other grow and learn."
"Most kids don't realize that in highschool."
"What do you mean?"
"That kind of interpretation of what a relationship with someone means."
"I… well. It took plenty of effort and um, trouble. If you don't mind, I'd rather not delve into it too much tonight."
Not that I was averse to them knowing the truth, but I was hesitant to let the mood drop into a point of no return. They know that as well; they're offering responses for me to work from but not changing the subject. They still want me to talk about something.
"That's fine." She said. Something told me she wanted to say more though…
How do I continue this conversation that I've effectively shut down?
"As I said, it took us a moment to get there, but… I know that he is in a position to be a proper son once more."
"Hmm." Yatsu-san mumbled.
Did that work? We can simply talk about him. That's the point I wanted and hoped to get to tonight. If anything were to change, I'd hope it'd be something that can help the family reestablish communication.
He took off his glasses momentarily and set them on the table gently and a bit too slowly. Almost as if he were setting up a flag for a movie scene.
"You know, there was a time when Hachiman was in middle school. We were setting out for a little family getaway. And right as we were all getting excited while planning it, Hachiman turned it down; said he didn't want to go and instead opted to stay home."
It seems like we're going even deeper… Oh well.
"Mmm." I nodded along, feeling as if this story was oddly familiar.
"I was very shocked when he did it, but everyone else was into it and it seemed like he was insisting to keep that energy alive in spite of himself. So I put on my best smile and said 'okay' before leaving it at that. I was… how do I say this, bummed? Maybe it was me being selfish, but I was offended. After that, he never bothered joining us again. I didn't want to fuss over it with him; didn't feel like pushing his buttons was going to work since he was so closed off. For a while I was disappointed in him, and it sometimes showed in the way I talked to him. It was only after having a chat with my wife that I… decided to change my mind."
"Change your mind?"
"I wasn't any different." Hachiya-san said.
They're surprisingly in-sync with this conversation that seemingly came out of nowhere…
She placed her hands on her lap. The slightest hints of guilt were wrapping the corners of her mouth and eyes.
"No one was oblivious to the behavior, but instead of trying to be upfront with him about it, I was… petty; I very obviously didn't give him the same allowance as Komachi, I often gave him the cold shoulder in the mornings. I didn't know what I hoped to achieve; maybe he'd give up and leave his pride and we as parents get to keep that authority. I told my husband about it; we talked but… it felt off. The fact that the both of us felt that way about our own child did the opposite of validating my feelings; no one was on his side except for Komachi. And she was always the only one capable of open communication with him, so what could we know? With that talk we… didn't get anywhere but we at least figured it wasn't fair to be disappointed. But by that time, there was never a 'right time' to bring anything up with him. Lukewarm interactions became our norm."
…
…
…
My head, as if instantaneously gaining weight, almost automatically turned down to the table of mostly finished food. I couldn't figure out a proper response. I was just dealt such a heavy hand from my own partner's parents. Words, revelations, and feelings that were the warm oddity in an otherwise familiarly cold household. If it's a sign that they trust me, then I suppose I could accept that properly and keep it…
I reestablished eye contact with them and took control of my voice as best I could considering the gravitas of what had just been said. "...why are you telling me this?"
Yatsu-san smiled. "It's no use keeping up our pride as parents since you seem to be aware of the way we are here."
"And," Hachiya-san followed. "because it's about time we were honest. When Hachiman froze earlier, I knew what he was trying to do. Seeing him like that… my heart ached. In fact, when he first talked to us about wanting us to meet you, I was excited because he finally decided he'd share a bit of himself, awkward as it was. When we got wind of his relationship with a certain someone a few months ago, we were… a little hurt that he didn't tell us but figured we shouldn't feel like that after everything happened. And delaying the meeting is a normal thing to do among any couple. What matters now is that you are here now."
Hachiya-san paused for a moment as she looked down with her hands together before looking back at me.
"What I'm trying to say is we trust you, and we don't want to… set a bad precedent for our relationship in the future. We weren't planning to drop these sensitive things on you so suddenly but with the direction the night went, it just came out."
"Came out, huh." Yatsu-san chuckled softly. "I… hope you don't think any less of us for what we did or what we said just now, Yukino-san."
I rubbed my left shoulder and then rolled both of them back as the mood wasn't conducive to very much rest on my end.
"Not at all. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me such things."
The inability to have a clear idea of what people feel towards you is probably for the best. It's a waste to know for a fact that someone you could care less about despises you for one-sided reasons. In this context though, where there is an important relationship both on the line and being formed right as the moments turn out, there cannot be any decent progress without honesty. I am not exactly sure if what the Hikigayas had just admitted to me was societally proper, but I am happy with knowing how and where they stand with regards to all that has happened, and all that will happen in the near future.
The night would have gone disastrously had everyone attempted to play dumb and ignored the flagrantly dancing elephant in the room. I never had any resentment for Hachiman's parents, but with this meeting and ensuing conversation I have established a good foundation for a relationship with his family. I can rest assured knowing that things will be much smoother from now… After some time has passed, naturally.
I wish I could say the same for my own family. While Hachiman is aware of how everyone, well almost everyone, in their stands, it wouldn't hurt for things to be much more stable and… normal.
"Yukino-san," Hachiya-san said. "Is something on your mind?"
"I… when do you plan to talk to him?"
"That's… definitely a question." She replied with a somewhat defeated smile. "I… how shall I phrase this. For now, I'm, or rather we, are at least content with knowing that such a time is within reach."
"Ah, I see."
I'm no different, after all.
"Then, thank you for attempting to reach out once more."
"Thank you, Yukino-san." She slightly bowed her head.
"E-Eh?"
"For giving hope back to our son, and to us."
That's heavy...
"I… it was mutually beneficial. It wasn't so one-sided-"
"Hmmm…" Yatsu-san said as he nudged his wife with his elbow. "What do they call them these days? Tsundere?"
"Seems like it."
I'm right here…
"Yukino-san." Hachiya-san smiled affectionately. "Thank you works too."
"Then… thank you."
"So," I said, shutting the door to Komachi's room behind me. "good save; a bit late but good save nonetheless."
"Sure, though I think you were already fine by the moment I started to talk."
"Eh?"
"I saw Yukino-san's hand on yours, ehehe."
"... No comment."
I scratched my cheek, and not because I was particularly embarrassed; no, a real tsunde- hinedere, wouldn't make such a foul impression. (2) Komachi's seen this kind of behavior for the past couple of months; this isn't anything new and by extension, nothing we needed to be embarrassed about. Right. Yes. Indeed. Indubitably.
Just to make sure, my body sent signals to my cheeks to redden up to ensure I was telling the truth. Mhmm.
"But I really did have something to tell you." She sat down on her bedside. "You can take a seat for this one."
"Alright."
Almost as if my body lost control, I let my body be taken in by gravity and fell face-first into Komachi's bed.
Ahh… there's nothing that can create the feeling like completely letting go of yourself.
"Oi, get your Oni-chan scent out of my bed."
"I smell perfectly fine; I even used the hair conditioner and facial wash for today, you know?"
"I said Oni-chan."
"I get the same vibe when you say Onii-chan anyway."
"Hah… so, are you doing better now?"
"I guess so. A bit… tired, though."
"That goes without saying for you."
"Are you mad?" I turned my head to see her slowly reclining on the bed. Her hands were now behind her head as she stared at the ceiling.
"Why would I be?"
"You know, from what you told me last week when I came back home. I figured this wasn't the outcome you were looking for."
"You don't think I'm mad, don't you?"
"Eh? How's that relevant?"
I turned my body around to mimic Komachi's position, although now she had turned her body on her side; one arm supporting her head and directly facing me.
"If you were conscious of that, you wouldn't plant your face into my bed in the first place."
"Then I guess… I just double checked to see if you were mad considering how long you were waiting for this.
"Of course not." She smiled warmly. "I already knew it'd turn out something like this."
"Thanks?"
"Something going on for that long wouldn't resolve itself just like that, y'know? And even if it did, I knew you wouldn't be able to take that as the answer."
I knew the pressure Komachi put on herself all these years. I'm sure she'd want to ensure the situation reformed itself into something resembling that which we lost because I decided to retreat into myself.
"I've already been waiting this long while holding onto hope without a good reason or indication that things would be fine. But now that it's been started, I can now just continue on as if I wasn't being held back."
But I also knew she was a reasonable girl. Well, one of the few people who's put up with me all these years can't be all that reasonable… it is what it is.
"Alright then."
As the silence fell upon us, we heard the soft chatter coming from the dining area. Nothing of value could be made out, but I imagine at this point they're probably talking about stuff that I shouldn't hear about.
"I wonder what they're talking about…" Komachi sighed.
"You probably brought me out because you figured that our folks wanted to say something important to her, hm?"
"Well that and ensure your hide was saved. Not that it was necessary."
"Uhuh."
In that case, whatever conversation is happening is probably something that'd very much benefit from mine and Komachi's continued absence. And so I'll restrain myself for now.
… Now it doesn't mean I'm not curious, but if something important that concerns me is being said, I think I'd rather hear it coming straight to my own ears. Otherwise it'd just bother me to no end.
Komachi snickered. "Wanna eavesdrop on them?"
"No."
"Yukino-san might be in trouble, y'know? We have to save her if it comes to that."
"She can handle it…"
"I mean social trouble, like conversational."
Crap, she's kinda right…
"Then you can listen in on them for the meanwhile, go down when you think you should and I'll follow."
"Alright then. See ya."
Komachi walked out of the room silently, leaving the door ajar.
It's been a while since I've just been in her room. Normally the rooms are there for privacy, so I never bothered setting foot here until I really needed to, like just earlier when she told me to come in so she could teach me about how to use facial cleanser. Apparently that was vital, not that my face needed it. It's extremely fortunate that "Pimplygaya-kun" wasn't one of my innumerable middle-school nicknames.
While rolling over to my side, I noticed she had an open book on the opposite bedside that I was on. I took a peek at the title; The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
Hey hey, why'd you buy a new one? You could've just asked to borrow mine and save some money...
My dear sister failing at frugality aside, seeing the book just made me unfortunately recall the version I saw during last year's culture festival…
I knew for a fact that Antoine de Saint-Exupery was rolling in his grave every time Ebina-san put her pen to the script, every time it was rehearsed, and the one time it was performed. But all things considered, the public got to see Totsuka act. I'm so sorry, Saint-Exupery-san.
Something-something , someone in a plane crash lands in the Sahara Desert and meets various creatures, and visits various places and somewhere along there are deep conversations about the things in life we ought to value. Why he decided conversing with strange animals took priority over surviving in a completely new place is beyond me but this is fiction, so don't think about it too hard, okay? I think I read somewhere that the author himself once crash-landed in the desert as he too was a pilot, and had one hell of a time there; making lemonade out of lemons after he got back to civilization by writing the novella.
Narrative aside, I recalled it being a rather nice read, but also not particularly finding it something to be right up my alley. Now that I think about it, it's probably because I didn't really believe whatever the heart of the message was supposed to be. Me in the past felt cool for empathizing and understanding famed authors like Akutagawa, Soseki, and Dazai; they said people were naturally hypocritical, deceitful, and shallow. At the time, it seemed that they had human nature figured out. (3)
The part that I conveniently forgot was that 2 out of those 3 committed suicide. I don't judge them for it; I don't think I could even begin to comprehend what they were thinking of in the moments leading up to their deaths. It's not that I think they're wrong now, but I just think there was something missing in their equations; a few missing pieces to a puzzle. What we perceive as truth is probably vastly different from reality; the correct answers we come up with are probably only a small part of a much bigger concept. It's good to read a lot so no one can call your taste in literature trashy.
Oh, and to you know, get a bigger grip on what reality appears to be from multiple points of view.
Out of curiosity and randomized boredom, I turned to see where in the book Komachi was at.
"It is lonely when you're among people too."
Understandable; right up my alley… how about here?
"You become responsible forever for what you have tamed."
As I was just thinking of it, I don't remember the details all that well anymore. It's been a while since I've last read it and that was when things were very different. What would I feel if I reread this knowing what I knew now?
But based on what I do remember, I can't help but be curious; between the fox and the prince, who really tamed who?
How did we get to this point? I feel as if my mind had just checked out for the past couple of minutes...
After our… nice talk. Hachiman and Komachi-san saved me by going downstairs in the nick of time right as I was getting more than mildly uncomfortable. Komachi-san suggested we play their PS4 conveniently parked in the living room and so she sat everyone down on the couch. Well, mostly everyone; she made her older brother sit on the ground.
Hachiman grumpily sighed as he settled his position on the floor.
"Isn't there enough space for all of us?"
"Not if you're here!"
"I see how it is…"
While my partner accepted his fate, he was now browsing through a comfortably blue interface with thumbnails flashing by rather quickly, matching the speed at which he was turning one of the analog sticks. Apparently, they bought the console secondhand from one of Komachi-san's friend's brothers. (4)
That girl is always so surprising…
None of the older Hikigayas played; they just… watched us, as if we were a little litter of kittens fussing over a toy.
On the topic of kittens… where is Kamakura-san?
"Yatsu-san, Hachiya-san, do you not want to play?"
Hachiya-san chuckled with a slightly embarrassed look on her face. Her partner merely shook his head.
"Oh no, we don't feel like embarrassing ourselves more in front of you more than we already have."
"I see…"
I understand wanting to save face completely… but I don't know how I should be taking that.
"Yukino-san!" Komachi-san exclaimed as she crawled up behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders. "Here, you'll just… use the left stick to select and move around and stuff, and the right moves your head around."
I looked down at the controller and started examining it thoroughly; it took plenty of effort to get to this design, I'm sure.
Throughout all the decades of developers studying ergonomics to create the most intuitive controller fit for the everyday person's hands, game designers programming buttons to react to the data ingrained in the system's DNA, and most of all through even more decades of beta-testing, trial and error, and studying. It's natural that that amount of effort and money poured into a labor must turn out amazing results; that's part of why video games have seemed to persevere through its inception and become the several-billion dollar industry giant it has become in the modern era.
… All of that effort and my hands struggle to walk. Or make someone walk, rather.
"Um, yes…"
Regardless, the last thing I wanted out of tonight was to be the reason things become awkward. And so irrespective of my inexperience with video games, I decided there was no harm in embarrassing myself a little. It seems as if doing so seems to get me into better paths in life. I suppose the universe has a sense of humor that involves me looking foolish.
I didn't have any transferable or just generally mildly related skills, unfortunately. What I mean by that is nothing I have practiced in my life would necessarily prepare me for something like this. If one has developed skills in basketball, it's fair to assume that they can pick up another sport like volleyball with relative ease since they exercise and condition certain groups of muscles to perform, as well as start training the necessary tactics and decision-making skills. If one has dabbled in creative writing, then it's possible there is some crossover in concepts for essay-type or argumentative writing.
Unfortunately, I imagine this would be like Kurosawa Akira trying to be an actual samurai… (5)
"Don't worry, Yukino-san!" She continued to exhibit her inimitable energy. "This game is really cute, so I think even if you don't do good, you'll be happy!"
"I'll take that to heart then."
True to her word, when I looked at the television screen I was greeted by a silly sight. An innocent, dark brown, knitted human figure with button-esque eyes and a zipper lined vertically on his torso was dancing about on the screen, jumping and jumping over the pastel-shaded environment designed like a stage play of cardboard. (6)
Cute indeed. An interesting and unique artstyle goes a long way for worldbuilding and recognition.
I pushed the left stick to the right though the character on screen.
"Why isn't it responding to my commands…"
"It's not you." Hachiman suddenly spoke up with his eyes still on the screen. "Here,"
He reached over in my direction with both of his hands. At his approach I felt my mind racing and I didn't know how to react.
"W-What are you…"
And apparently my body decided the best way to react was to freeze like a deer in headlights. As if my baser instincts couldn't resurface at a poorer time…
In front of them? What is…
His hands finally reached within my space and went around my hands. He ran his hand over top of the controller as if searching for something though unfortunately for me, he was also making contact with my hands in a rather soft manner.
This is a bit much...
Finally, he released his hands and picked his own controller back up though my embarrassment didn't leave and was probably written on my face plain as day for the rest of the household to see.
I rolled my shoulders uncomfortably. "What was… that?"
A look of confusion poured over his face as his eyebrows crunched suspiciously as he replied.
"You uh, needed to join the game first."
"What?"
"You see the light in front of your controller?"
"Eh?"
I manipulated the device to face it towards my face. Surely enough, a blue LED was now emitting from the triangular light-diffusing sheet.
"I just needed to turn on your controller so you could join the game. Your controller is wireless, after all."
Through everything he was saying, it seemed like he had definitely not caught on to what I was thinking. Which makes complete sense due to the fact that he was in front of his family, and would never ever think of being so bold with physical intimacy in front of them.
I do not know what I was thinking; there's no way he would've done something so risky, but… at the same time it seemed like I was thinking such a thing.
What's wrong with me? My head doesn't belong in the gutter!
"T-Thank you, then."
Something must've been off with the way I replied because he returned my look with equal parts humiliation and surprise that he tried to play off casually.
"Ummm, n-no problem…?"
Why are you getting embarrassed now…?
"A-Anyway," He said, coughing into his fist. "So you see that... dog thing that looks like my character?"
"Mhmm."
"That's the one you control, but you'll sometimes see that you might have to use two other characters for some levels."
Please focus, Yukino. For your sake and the sake of the mood…
"Change characters? They are capable of different things?"
"Yeah, yeah. And the environments might call for different strategies and stuff."
"I see, so this is some sort of puzzle game?"
"I guess you could say that."
So there are different characters with differing abilities, and based on what he told me, the areas in which we play in have varying environments. And based on the game's camera perspective, we're expected to work together and seemingly use skills in conjunction with others to meet the needs of the problem presented to us.
"I see."
When I looked over at Hachiman's character, an interface suddenly popped out of his character and he turned into… a medieval knight?
I reached out my hand and lightly held onto his own as I pointed at the screen with my controller still in hand.
"Are those accessories for the character?"
"A-Ah… yeah; you can give it a go if you want."
Realizing my hand was still on his in front of his parents, I tentatively let go and tried my best to browse the list of accessories. As soon as I tried though, a warm presence made itself known to my ankles. As I looked down, it seemed that a certain feline made himself visible.
How delightful...
I felt a smile warm my face up as I bent over to run my hand through his silky fur.
"Good evening to you too, Kamakura-san."
"Nyaaa…" He mewled as he was rubbing against my ankles over and over with his head.
Does he want to come up?
I lightly tapped my thighs with the palm of my free hand and it seemed like he understood perfectly, as he jumped onto the couch and nestled into my lap as if he fit perfectly.
"Woaaahhh," Komachi-san said. "I really underestimate how much he likes you!"
Hachiya-san chuckled and placed a hand on her husband's knee. "Kaa-kun might not be able to respond to us with how attached he's getting to you."
I replied back. "That wouldn't be… ideal."
"Just another excuse to come back then."
"W-Well, I didn't n-need another one so…"
Yatsu-san shook his head and sighed happily, almost teasingly.
"Good to know."
…
…
…
When I looked to my right side, I saw Hachiman steadily making his best efforts to avoid eye contact with anyone. From where I was though, it was plain as day that the tips of his ears were betraying him with their pinkish hue.
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black...
"Nyaaaaaaa~"
"Nya… Nyaaa."
"Nyaaaa~"
"Nya~Nya~"
"Nyaaaaaaa~"
What is he trying to tell me?
"..ello?"
Hmmm, I swear I can understand just a bit of it.
"...you good?"
I think I got-
A hand from below waved into my face. "Uhh, earth to Yukinoshita-sama."
When I looked at the source, Hachiman looked disapprovingly in my direction before continuing. "Are we continuing this or…"
Hachiya-san made a coy gesture and leaned forward from her seat to get to her son.
"Never thought I'd see the day my own son gets jealous of his own cat."
"That's not it… he's just- he's just taking up her time."
"Point proven."
"Nyaaa~"
"Nyaaaa~"
I have to…
"Jeez…"
What were we doing? Something about Kamakura-san...
Nevertheless… All I do remember was that I had enjoyed it. I don't recall an event in the past that was in any way similar to what was happening then. Laughing, bantering, and competing amongst… a family, or at least the semblance of one. I sincerely hope this can continue without me being here.
If not, then… it will serve as a nice memory to wish upon.
From that, something prompted the parents to show some pictures of past times. As we were still gathered around the living room, I had handed off my controller to Komachi-san who continued to play with her brother. While I understood perfectly the concept and mechanics of the game, I couldn't get used to the control and coordination involved…
Not yet, anyway. I just need ample time; that's all.
Hachiya-san had ordered her husband to go off in search of some 'pictures from before'. When he came back, Yatsu-san entered the room struggling to cradle picture albums as if they were a haul from a big heist he committed.
That was… more than I expected.
My guest instincts kicked in almost immediately upon witnessing the sight.
"Let me help you with tha-"
As my hands reach out to the album within my reach, he drops his load directly onto the couch.
"Nah, there's no need for that, Yukino-san, but thank you."
I tried.
Although I was slightly embarrassed, I tried not to pay it much mind since it was such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. Instead, I sat back down and observed the slightly dusty, hardbound scrapbooks. Yatsu-san took one and faced away from our general direction to blow the thin layer of accumulated dust.
"Here. Let's check this one out..."
As the album unfolded, I was greeted by one of three things; an assortment of baby photos taken inside this home capturing key moments, photos from school related competitions, and some assortment of vacation photos, or other attractions in the metropolitan area.
"Ohhh," Yatsu-san said. "Tokyo Destinyland; about six or so years ago."
He slid his fingers across the well-kept and laminated photo, smiling as if the memory was something thought long past and now found again. In this particular photo, it looked like it was Hachiya-san taking Komachi-san by the hand as the latter pointed at one of the high-elevation rides. Hachiman, however, seemed to be… in the middle of tripping on his shoelaces.
Pfft… Ehem.
I couldn't help myself physically, unfortunately, and a couple of snickers snuck their way out of my mouth. As the looks I had gotten from the surrounding people seemed to indicate that they caught on to my little moment of weakness.
"Wha- ehehe…" I coughed as I attempted to regain my composure. "What made him t-trip..."
At my mention of it, I could hear Hachiman sigh disapprovingly and his movement to face my direction was noticed by me.
"Your sadism knows no bounds, huh. Not even for adorable, innocent children."
"Adorable, you say?"
"My eyes don't look so terrible there." He scoffed smugly. "You just wouldn't know from… the angle of the photo."
"Well if you say so, and to answer you; I suppose not seeing your face makes you more attractive.
"Uhuh…"
"Anyway, what happened here that caused your disgraceful fall?"
"Uh… I uh, don't remember."
At the utterance of his words, I realized immediately that something was off.
"Someone as self-conscious as you wouldn't ever forget something that embarrassed you so deeply."
"It's… embarrassing."
"Aha, I figured as much.."
"Very embarrassing."
"I see then. You must tell me about it as soon as you are able."
"Sure. I guess I'll hold you to that."
As our attention returned to our respective activities, one look back at my parents showed me that they were so invested in looking back at all the other photos that they didn't have time to throw in quips of their own while we were conversing. The softness in their eyes indicated quite a bit of nostalgia and unburied happiness.
Komachi-san too was preoccupied, sending one-hundred percent of her attention to the screen, which was going along in its side-scrolling hilarity.
Back to the parents, there were plenty of things to be said from the way they were looking at the pictures. It's almost as if they were gazing directly through them, while also seeing things that I definitely could not.
I did not want to interrupt the flow of their undoubtedly pleasant old family memories. I for one know that they should not take these for granted. Maybe it was everyone's waning attention that resulted in people's relationships being stretched too thinly. The tunnel vision that comes with seeking a goal is a slippery slope; the priority that was given to starting a family might have started to lose clarity as soon as the children were old enough to take care of themselves at the house. When the hours are piled onto your resume, the societal pressure in the office space tells you to stay. I imagine it's easy to say all the unnecessary, and frankly abusive, overtime hours, stress, and fatigue are for the sake of giving the family all that they've wanted.
All that children could want is not met with money, as much as they blab about wanting to get toys or games, or whatever activity they may fancy at that fleeting moment. It's because their parents giving them some sort of attention makes them feel wanted, and gifts are just one way to manifest that. That being said, the parent has to be present for that affection to grow. If no context is given, then the mind cannot register the origin of the physical gift, regardless if it came out of their parents' wallets.
And in the time that you were physically, and emotionally absent, all you'll come home to is a household that… doesn't feel special. Comfortable, surely. Homely though? Whatever the definition of that is…
…
…
…
I don't think any amount of money could buy a second of their time and love.
…
…
…
"Here…" Hachiya-san said as she pointed at another vacation photo. "We were in Sendai; Aoba Castle, right?"
Yatsu-san pushed up his glasses as the recognition stuck. "Ohh, right you had that highschool friend who invited us over, yeah?"
I listened in on their sharing, not necessarily adding anything to the conversation but merely letting my presence be known to them as to appear interested in whatever they were talking about. My attention constantly drifted to the albums though; all the pictures of a younger, more… optimistic Hachiman was a bit strange to see. If one didn't know any better, they'd be absolutely shocked at the stark contrast between the past and present versions. While I wasn't an entire exception, I was glad to see the similarities return to me. He has surely come a long way.
I cannot help but think though…
Throughout all these various memories...
Does Kamakura-san have any… kitten pictures?
"As expected of Yukino-san…" Komachi-san laughed. "For a while, I never thought you were that simple."
The thin hairs on my body stood up to attention as my eyes twitched in surprise. Was Komachi-san really telepathic…?
"Did I say that out loud…?"
"Hmm?" Hachiya-san declared proudly. "That doesn't have to be a bad thing, no? It should give Hachiman good ideas for the future."
"You don't have to go that far…" He shook his head disapprovingly before looking at me to answer. "Also, no because Kamakura was already somewhere between 4-5 years old when we got him."
We continued to be where we were currently; the Hikigayas continued to show me the past in a way that I couldn't have thought of. Soon enough, the television was turned off and the two younger Hikigayas shared in remembering each little piece of once ignored memories. With every off-hand anecdote and tiny tangent that led into, my images of Komachi-san and Hachiman were heavily added onto throughout the experience, and I feel as if the added context gave me more to look and think of.
Cute as the sentimentality of old pictures was, it somewhat pained me as I noticed there were not really any pictures of Hachiman from middle school onwards.
But, I'm hoping that can at least change just a bit with how tonight has gone. Clearly, this house can become a proper home again as it has in the past. Before they lost their way.
The times after that were even more of a blur. Does it have anything to do with the fact that I was adamantly focused on trying to listen to the nostalgic stories, and maintain the conversation? Probably; I've never had to do this much interpersonal communication in such a while.
Somehow I'm in an entirely different area. Komachi-san said… something that led to the parents being driven away. Now I am here.
Alone with Hachiman in his own room.
I'm not one to think too strangely of such things, but… I cannot be the only one having ...untoward thoughts in this moment. Last impressions are a bit… lasting, I should say.
Or at least, that's what I'm hoping. Nothing so fanciful will be happening tonight.
Not here, at least… Ehem. My apologies.
"As relieved as I am that I can catch a break," I said. "What is… what is going on right now?"
"I uh… I wish I could say I was completely innocent too…"
Eh?
"Please elaborate…"
Before I start thinking too much…
He started scratching his forearm as he walked further into his room. He took a seat at his bedside, which was at the far corner of the room. As he made himself comfortable, I looked at his expression and found it to be a comfortable place for me, like a pet making its way into a new home.
"I just… there were some things I wanted to show you; just directly. From me to you. I realized even before today that there wouldn't be much time for us to talk alone. Komachi's always a good help and here's as good a place as any."
"Hmm."
I looked around and the pieces in my memory went together; I saw the desk where he'd usually set himself up during our odd video call study sessions. Upon it were a somewhat neat stack of notebooks, a laptop, a cup full of writing tools, and some other academic textbooks.
On another side of the room was a bookshelf full of a seemingly randomly assorted genre of books; light novels, manga, weekly magazines, and novels varying from Japanese authors to translated foreign work. Some familiar titles caught my eye in particular; Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King, Animal Farm and 1984 by George Orwell. No Longer Human and The Setting Sun by Dazai Osamu, and so on.
I feel like I expected this...
"Interesting…" I said.
"What is?"
"People typically have some sort of self-help books laden somewhere in their collection; I've seen some of your father's books in the living room lying about."
I suppose the necessity of purchasing those books has dwindled since everyone seems to get their advice online. Even novels and the like can be accessed from a PDF or Ebook, but the feeling isn't comparable. It seems like there's a different value placed on fiction versus nonfiction.
"Only people born before 1980 who've lived in the 2000s buy those."
"That's oddly specific..."
He scoffed proudly. "Besides, you of all people should know that I could never benefit from those things."
"Indeed; there is no market for people beyond self-help."
"I believe that the market is called crime."
"You've not gone that far into the deep end, have you?"
He sighed. "If my parents show you another baby picture, I might just chop one of my pinkies."
"I think you're being hard on yourself…"
"Eh?"
"You're not supposed to cut off your finger unless you commit a serious offense. Or were you implying that your mere membership is enough to offend them?" (7)
"It probably would. And why do you know that? Does your father have some crimes he'd like to admit?"
"Hah, no. None that I'd know of, anyway."
I shook my head and the silent laughter rose out of my body. I turned around and saw him still sitting in place, albeit a bit more relaxed as he was hunched forward holding his hands together. I decided to place myself by his side, a bit closer than I originally intended… but I don't mind.
And it seems neither does he.
I suppose I wasn't used to the distance anymore. In the past, we were so comfortable maintaining a long table's distance between us, but if I'm being honest, that started to feel tense somewhere down the line. We were like two ends of a rubber band being stretched excessively taut. Embarrassing as it was to admit, the slack of being able to admit that I wanted to sit closer to him was a major relief. Recently though, it's also been getting more and more difficult to go… even closer, I should say. I know we wanted to communicate openly, but it doesn't change the fact that such things are touchy subjects.
For now though, given the setting, and context of this little tryst, I am comfortable enough being this close.
I turned my head to face him. "What else did you want to show me?"
"Uh, not much else; just wanted to talk."
At this moment, the oddity of the event had just registered in my mind. I don't think I've ever seen him so eager to share his belongings with me. It was almost terrifying to see such a dynamic shift in himself. The only time I'd ever witnessed something to this extent
"About…?"
This is a bit more tense than I remember it being… it's no matter.
Finally making up his mind, he looked at me as he turned his body. "Do you remember the cultural festival?"
"I do."
"Then do you remember Ebina-san's… play?"
"Ah, right; it was her… interpretation of The Little Prince, wasn't it?"
"That's a very generous descriptor…"
"Regardless, why do you ask?"
"You've read the original novella, right?"
"I have. In fact, I read through it again sometime after the second prom."
"Huh, what brought that on?"
"I… needed to clarify something. Or rather I wanted to learn something."
I often find myself rewatching movies that I like because I think my first time viewing probably won't do the work justice. All those hours spent shooting, acting, editing, planning, scouting, budgeting, lighting, and so on would go to waste. Naturally, I don't expect everyone to do this; it is just something I feel that impels me to show my appreciation and possibly even expand my understanding of the film. On certain occasions, I even realize new things, spot some clever designs, or other similar occurrences.
It's no different from the way I treat literature. I had first read The Little Prince when I was in middle school, though I hadn't come to understand the praise behind it. I merely remembered the general gist and values it strived to instill in its readers. I knew what he was trying to say, but I never understood it.
So when I felt something… change fundamentally, I felt as if I wanted to understand something that I failed to do the first time around. And upon rereading it, I think it's possible to say that I understand it; if not fully, then at least on a level that allows me to be more confident. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
"Again," I said. "why do you bring this up?"
He stroked his chin between two fingers as he chose to stare at the opposite end of the room. "Komachi's apparently reading it; I saw a copy of it in her room, so I guess my mind was invaded by it. I guess I might've been thinking the same thing; there were probably a ton of things I missed because I wasn't in the right space to understand. So I was thinking of picking it up again. There must be a reason why it's so globally beloved."
My fingers went to my mouth in fake shock. "Hikigaya Hachiman taking general opinions to heart?"
He smirked somewhat embarrassedly. "Surprised?"
"Worse; I'm heartbroken. What did you do with the boy I fell for?"
"S-Still here, unfortunately."
He and I shared another laugh, albeit a slightly more shy, together before the silence hit us once more; a little conversational reset from the tangent that was our banter. Once I felt more comfortable, I held his hand, which he left on his bedside.
"Anyway, I felt the same way regarding the book."
"Hmm…" He chuckled in an uncharacteristically giddy manner. "Would you mind giving me a tiny, personal book report then?"
"Book report, huh? I'm not doing your homework for you."
"It was worth a shot…"
Unfortunately for this moment, I had realized there was something off about his behavior. It's normally never this hard to get the ball rolling with us. And if conversation wasn't in the itinerary, then we'd be fine with a comfortable silence. However, I'm not getting any of that right now. We're both hitting conversational deadends and the silence only fosters even more confusion, and therefore discomfort. He's finding it hard- well, harder, to look at me directly, and it's making me aware of my own self-consciousness.
Granted, this night was a bit of a strange one from the get-go, so maybe he's just thrown off mentally? I suppose there's no point in further beating around the bush; it's not a problem if I were to be upfront about it, no? We're too tired to play the blushing middle schoolers.
"Hachiman," I said, the concern leaking out quite obviously. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
An audible gulp was made by his throat. "...maybe."
"You could've just said so…"
I exhaled in relief as the palm of my free hand found its way to my forehead, and a bit of frustration quickly passed on.
"It's… not something I could, you know, just say. I'm still trying to piece it together myself."
"That didn't stop you before."
"A-Ah." He sputtered. "I'll have you know it took me an entire day to hype myself up for that; a-and I was getting… carried away by a number of factors."
"Mhmmm; so what you're telling me now is that you were trying to be casual before telling me something?"
He sighed in what I interpreted as a mix of relief and shame. "Busted…"
"In that case, it's time for you to fess up."
"Guilty as charged."
Hachiman stood up slowly as he rolled his shoulders and breathed in and out sharply.
What is he going to do now? He's making it look like he's about to explain his devilish plan like a villain from those old Hollywood spy movies. The only thing missing is that this bed physically restrained my arms.
…
…
…
Ehem. Now's not the time. In fact, there is hardly a time for such… strange things that I happened to resear- stumble upon.
I remained seated on his bedside, though since he was moving towards his desk, I sat up straight, crossed my legs, and placed my hands on my lap. He then placed a hand on his laptop and took his phone out of his pocket, looking at each like there was an old memory attached.
"My daily routine is a bit… lacking." He started off.
...Okay?
"When I wake up, I'll probably be on my phone doing God knows what, or open up my laptop and play some sort of video game. Or… maybe on occasion you or I will message each other a good morning and we might start talking.
"So regardless, every morning is spent holed up in here?"
"Pretty much."
He smiled at me, and I held that moment for a little while before nodding to give him the signal to continue.
"I don't tend to read or study in the mornings, unless there was an occasion where we couldn't meet to study in person and we time our calls- or rather you insist we have them in the morning."
At each step, my life was distorted.
"I see."
The moment lingered for a little while longer before Hachiman moved on to walk around the room a little bit. Having no real direction, it appeared that he was awkwardly trying to clear his mind or jog it.
"If there isn't any school, I'll probably eat a very late breakfast or none at all; it really depends. I don't have much reason to go downstairs, unless I wanted to play with the console or if I wanted to avoid the rising summer heat. But, recently I find it… nice that there's something- someone, that makes me want to leave the house."
I felt something rise in my chest. I knew what it was, as I hadn't had a shortage of those feelings in the past few months. I wanted to verbalize it somehow; get it out there to him, but I didn't want to interrupt whatever it was he was trying to tell me.
"I'll probably then spend the rest of the day online, playing games, reading something, or having the odd conversation with Komachi. If there's homework or other schoolworks then I'll do it sometime in between. I'll find time to study somewhere in between, and if I'm currently in it, I'd go to cram school."
He decided to pull out the chair parked under his desk and position it in front of me.
"Outside of my home life, you probably already know what it is I get up to at school, so I don't want to explain that to you. Sometimes I'd get a text from my mom asking me to get groceries, or I'd run into Totsuka, or Zaimokuza and they'd offer me their time to hang out. Beyond that, not much else happens; I go home and the day pretty much ends there. Or you know; we study together, we go and have a date or something. Or maybe we get roped up with some other people."
...
…
...
"Well, now that I realize it, I didn't plan on saying this but thank you for uh, giving my life variety."
"Um, t-thank you."
"Y-Yeah, yeah."
He lowered his head a bit as he chuckled.
"That was… kind of awkward; my bad."
"Ehe, don't worry. I understand that you're a bit off today."
He nodded silently. Before long he stood up in front of me, apparently unsure of where he wanted to place himself until he made eye contact with me. He then stood still with his hands in his pockets. "And uh, now you've seen it all since you've met my family. So?" He asked me in a somewhat shy manner, with a scratch to the back of his head showing his nervousness clearly. "What do you think?"
"Hmm?" I cocked my head slightly at his question.
"All the things I just told you plus this," he looked around the room and back to me. "This is everything I have."
"What?"
He bit his lips slightly and abruptly decided to sit by my side again, leaving a tiny space between our legs.
"This average house, my troublesome parents, my fluffy cat, my meddlesome little sister, my otaku interests, and my daily routine… this is all I have."
"Hachiman?"
The thoughts circling my head did not align with what I was witnessing before me. What is he trying to tell me? It would be for the best if I let him explain. He is not the type of boy to say something meaningless, after all.
"Not to mention myself; my overblown cynicism, my sarcasm… my uh, myself in general."
"I-I see…"
Now I think I am beginning to understand these words. Not as they are, but as he would mean them. He's always been absolutely terrible at expressing his desires, but it appears that he has improved that part of himself.
What I was starting to see was the fulfillment of a promise he had made before.
I'll give you everything, so let me be a part of your life.
"I've met plenty of what you have." He continued. "Honestly, it's terrifying; your mother, the idea of your father, and to a much lesser extent than before, your sister… not to mention the line of work you're interested in. All of those things are anomalies I still struggle to deal with. You showed all that to me whether or not you intended to."
"I'm quite certain that all of that was your fault."
"Well… yeah, I know."
With a self-deprecating chuckle, he recognized the past year.
All those times, I was trying to push him away out of a fear that he would leave, that I wasn't worthy to have such a figure in my life. If I couldn't stand by myself, then I would only harbor self-loathing and a misplaced affection for him; the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.
Even so, he still marched onwards. For whatever reason he surmised it was I that he wanted something special with. In spite of all the roadblocks that are my family, my aspirations, and my difficult personality, he decided that this is the hill he is ready to die on.
"I've seen that part of your life, so it's only natural that I'd share my part of the deal with you."
"Right… I'm not quite used to it."
"Clearly; there's not nearly enough family drama, animosity, responsibility, or high-profile events to be something you're familiar with."
He mused sarcastically, to which I rolled my eyes in bafflement.
This boy I've grown to love is truly such a troublesome one. It might be wrong to think, but it seems like only someone as problematic as him could ever want to be by my side.
The life he is living is quite a world away from what I've been accustomed to. As he said, it's hardly dramatic, or tense. In my perspective, it feels like quite an idyllic existence. Though I'm sure there are still stresses… something about it feels like an acceptable normal; one that I can learn.
"A-Anyway…" he continued. "I meant what I said then; that I'd g-give you everything. It's only fair that I would, given how much trouble my presence in your life is."
"Is that such a terrible thing?" I teased to which he tensed up adorably.
"Y-Yes… y-you should stop stealing the romantic spotlight, you knowww?"
Isshiki-san really has done a number on you...
"Please…" I gestured for him to continue and my arms found themselves supporting my head and my elbows resting on my crossed legs.
"Where was I… right: well, I don't know if my past means much, and I don't know how prospective the future is for someone like me. But like I said then, this is all I have to give you; this is all that is mine that I want to share with you."
He stood up slowly as he patted down his pants. He turned around and offered me his hand. I confidently took it and stood up while he offered some assistance. Now I was standing face to face with him; hand-in-hand. His shy gaze, his now-lively eyes, the feeling of his body near mine. All of these things are things that he has shared with me, and which he will continue to give.
"In the future, I'm s-sure that I will have more that I want to give, and m-more that I want from you..." He averted his gaze momentarily. "For now though, I guess all that makes me who I am, I will entrust with you."
I had no idea how I wanted to respond. Such unfamiliarly pretty words were much out of my comfort zone. To that, I could only offer my reddening face and smile.
"Again." He said. "What do you think?"
I never thought I'd meet someone who was both so cynical and just as hopelessly romantic as he is. I venture to say that all The cynics of the world are absolutely the same in that regard; they coarsen their exteriors in order to not let their true selves be scarred more than they have been. A faulty defense mechanism, but it is quite more comfortable than facing the truth when you aren't ready. Getting out of said mindset is another matter entirely.
The things Hachiman had uttered were the summation of the feelings he had buried. The face he had hidden from others and himself for such a long time had begun to peek through since we started this relationship. The promises he gave me were all so sweet that it would absolutely be referred to as sickening by most other people. Really, though. I can't say I dislike it. I rather like it that way, in fact. That's just how he is, and that's the one I've inadvertently fallen for.
To share his life with mine… all that he is what he wants me to see. One notion I've pondered on for the past few months is the emotion associated with these… things.
My experience with these feelings has challenged my infantile notions of what a relationship like this ought to turn out as. Him and I crossing each other's lives was a horrible coincidence, and then entering each other's lives could not have been much more of a stretch through the sheer domino of events that led to that point.
Again… did Hiratsuka-sensei always know how it would turn out?
That rotten boy that I had gotten to know, and warmed up to was someone normal families were taught to not be like; no regard for social obligation, disrespect of people, irreverence for the feelings of those around him. We clashed and bickered, misunderstood and fought over things. Through each encounter, that was what comprised our daily lives, and through that we had learned about each other in a strange manner.
As much as there was to despise him, he was the one who ended up respecting me, taking notice of me. Sooner than I thought, I had fallen into an unfamiliar, yet entrancing rabbit hole.
Did I start liking everything about him, or just what I liked of him? Well… if I only liked a part of him, then I don't think I would've been so offended by his actions during the school trip… Yes, that's it. I wanted the best for him. At a certain point, I was led to believe that I didn't have to be in that picture.
But here he came, bumbling through a bold prom proposal against my mother and the entire Parent-Teacher Association, basically using the entire event as a tool to get me into his life once more…
What a cute boy.
To learn that he saw me in the same light, or at least to have it confirmed to my face. I figured I'd place my faith in him as I always have, and run where certainty long died.
Through the messy cavalcade of events, we had ended up here, in his room, and him reaffirming his promise to me.
I've only one choice in this instance, don't I? How could I possibly refuse?
"Hachiman." I squeezed his hands a little bit tighter.
"Yes?"
"I meant what I said then; please give me your life. I want it all."
Such a selfish and ill-advised wish from back then had become clearer and clearer to me as time went on.
"And I know it doesn't mean anything now that you've seen me and everything has happened… but allow me to say it; I want to give you my life as well."
I don't know which of us foolish, lovestruck dunces had started smiling first, but the intensity crawled up ever so slightly as the mood turned warmer and warmer.
"Okay." He said.
"O-Okay."
What followed that tiny abrupt exchange was a barrel of muffled laughs from either of us. The hilarity of our awkwardness never ceases to put a smile on either of our faces. As one of our hands were connected to each other, the upper body movements from either of us that followed managed to bring us closer together. Before I knew it, my forehead was resting on his clavicle and my free hand was on his chest.
"Y-Yukino."
"Hmm?"
"Uh, look up; at me, I mean."
I complied and found myself staring at his blushing face. Seeing his almost entranced expression caused my face to heat up as well. Before either of our faces could disengage from each other, Hachiman placed his free hand on my waist. It almost looked as if we were to begin dancing with the way our hands were positioned; one pair clasped and the other on each other's bodies.
The hand I had on his chest could feel the rapid thumping that his heart was producing. Or… was that my own?
"I should've said this way sooner."
"You mean-"
…
…
…
"Yeah… I-I uh. I love you."
(1) Said by Hiratsuka-sensei in Volume 14.
(2) "Hinedere" refers to "characters who have cynical world views, are cold-hearted, and highly arrogant. However, deep down they have a soft side that may surface after their love interest breaks through their shell"
(3) Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, Soseki Natsumi, and Dazai Osamu were all influential Japanese authors during the 20th century. They were mentioned quite a bit in the LNs by people like Hachiman.
(4) Komachi and 8man play with a PS4 in Season 3's OP. The following story was just made up because it sounded funny to me as I was writing.
(5) Akira Kurosawa was a very influential Japanese director known for his samurai films and collaborative work with legendary actor Toshiro Mifune.
(6) LittleBigPlanet. A Playstation exclusive platformer game.
(7) The yakuza (Japanese mafia) are notorious for having offenders getting their fingers chopped off.
Well well well, here we are again; that was another long-ass chapter. But it's finally happened! What's that reaction gonna look like, eh?
Stay tuned to... whenever the hell I'll post the next part and we'll see the conclusion(?) of this story.
Anyway, since I rarely post, I'll answer the comments again now.
(April 18 onwards)
XxmememasterxX - ナイス
Harco8059 - big thankies; ありがたんくす
Guest (Apr 18) - bruh I feel embarrassed now. thanks for the calling out!
popo - ありがたんくす
Guest (Apr 19) - no problemo
Kumo Doushin - thanks for the paragraphs! what did you wanna say for chap 22?
Zaoldyeck47 - me neither, but unfortunately I uh, am (not intentionally; i swear) getting delayed
Hildblaze137 - it won't be overly edited; nothing dramatic is gonna change but thanks for the enthusiasm regardless. and again, thank you. I'm glad to see some outside voices saying that I've improved. It really helps.
Guest (Apr 21) - I don't, actually. I mean, I've experimented with around four-ish works before deciding to undertake this fanfic, none of which were fanfic. And thank you, I think part of the reason why it seems I'm able to get these characters down is because I've been invested in this franchise and spent a lot of time pondering it. It just came out, I guess. Thank you!
bjmmpp - lots of blown-over teenage angst. lots of it.
Geffen - damn RIP bro. hope you got a good prof.
Lasrepp - Thank you! I've been meaning to check out the Yukino POV fanfic sometime, but I've got tons of other stuff I've been trying to do. And about the additional chapters after this one, all I can rlly say for now is that this chapter will be the end for the foreseeable future. And yes, we all love a supportive kuudere gf. And yeah, I'll take note of that minor correction; thank you! It's been a while since I've read Volume 3.
Ren - well... maybe in another time huehue. but no, this is wholesome onli
Guest (May 2) - here it is! be prepared to wait even longer for the next one.
skyblue454 - you know, I was contemplating that but I'm not sure how to incorporate the Yukinoshitas (outside of Haruno) into the story. So I didn't feel like attempting it to much since I didn't really know how to write them.
Hachiyuki (wait a second...) - would you mind telling me what those 2 fics from wattpad are? I'd kill for more HachiYuki fics rn.
SynchronousThought - Thanks! Means a lot coming from you. I realized how much I love adding footnoes; it's just a weird thing I like doing.
On a side note, I really miss that one guest who constantly writes paragraphs and apologizes for their english. Where art thou? Maybe you'll make one more appearance before I finish the story next time?