Disclaimer: I do not own Friday Night Lights, or any of its characters or plots. I just own my storyline and my OCs.
María had no doubt she wasn't ready to say farewell to all that. Not at all. It meant throwing overboard everything she had striven for since her first year in high school in Florida. And there was also that feeling that golf was all she had left; it had stuck in her mind since she had pushed Billy out of her life. But, as well as she was certain of that, she still had enough clarity to notice that she didn't like the kind of person she had become during the last months. What could happen if in the end she was not able to overcome this situation on her own? Besides all those considerations, it was Tami Taylor the one that was on the other end of the telephone line. As silence could be heard over the line, María's mind automatically shifted back to those days when her father was in hospital in critical condition after having the stroke during her senior year in high school.
Those first two weeks were like a nightmare for María. Mac's condition was like a roller coaster those days. One day he seemed to be doing better, his constants clearly showing an improvement, and the next he would be at death's door as a result of unexpected complications. In that scenario, she practically lived in the ICU waiting room, given that her mother and she were only allowed to visit him ten minutes tops every eight hours, and only on the days he was doing well. Thus, María would spend all nights at the Taylors', who desperately tried to make her comfortable and at least provide her with some sense of normalcy on those terrible and dark days, having dinner with them, watching TV with Julie, helping Tami with Gracie (a baby back then) and the dishes and even playing ping pong with Coach Taylor, who enjoyed having a guest who was a good ping pong player.
Under those circumstances, and despite the generation gap, a strong friendship was forged between Tami and María on those nights, a special bond they had kept for years once they were living in Pennsylvania and Austin, respectively. María would always remember the kindness all the Taylors showed her during one of the worst periods of her life, and Tami had always been a good friend. Like now, when, no matter how busy she was, she had taken the time to check in on María living far away. Definitely, she didn't deserve a lie.
"Yes, it is…" María finally admitted in a low voice. "But it's under control and I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can…" she added, not wanting to worry Tami, not realizing that she had just provided her with a textbook addict answer.
Tami sighed. Tyra had been right. The thought that she might be lying had never crossed her mind, but she had really hoped that she could be exaggerating as what she had worriedly reported to her was difficult to believe for anyone that knew María. "That's the reason why nobody around her hasn't noticed anything out of the ordinary, they've ruled out the thought from the start, thinking that she just needed time to recover from her injury. Thank God she didn't fool Tyra," Tami thought. "Hey, María, honey, it's okay. The fact that you're able to acknowledge it is already important. You don't need any more excuses…" she tried to comfort her. She could very well imagine that María's admission couldn't have been easy.
María sighed, holding her cellphone tighter. "Tami, if this goes public…"
"There's no need for this to go public, at least not yet, if you promise me that you're gonna see a therapist right away," Tami explained. "Now, you think you can do that, honey?" she softly added, as she tried to remember if one of her best friends from college, whom she considered to be a very good therapist, was still living and working in Austin.
"I… I think I can do that," María managed to say. "But I'll have to tell Coach Colt about it, I don't think I'd be able to look him in the eye and not let him know that… well, you know, that… that…" she continued.
"That you've developed an addiction to painkillers. It's okay to say it out loud María, there's nothing embarrassing about it…" Tami offered.
María nodded. "I… I know… it's just…" She momentaneously stopped talking, feeling a gulp in her throat. "I can't believe this is happening…" she finally whispered as she felt her eyes watering.
"Honey, listen to me. You're being very brave admitting it, you're gonna be okay…" Tami said, wishing they were having this conversation in person instead of over the phone.
"You really think so, Tami?" For the first time in months María realized that just running away was not going to solve her problems. She had to face them, and she could guess that it was not going to be easy, or pleasant.
This time it was Tami the one who nodded, although María could not see her. "I do. You're not the first one to go through something like this. I'm not gonna lie, it'll be hard María, and it's gonna take time, but knowing you I'm sure you'll get past this," she stated.
María sighed again. "Okay. What should I do?" She preferred not to consider the possibility of not overcoming this situation, because, if that were the case, what kind of life could she aim for? And the sooner she faced it, the better.
And with those words a whole new stage in María's life started. The following day not only did she begin with physical therapy as it was scheduled, but she had her first appointment with Tami's friend, Dr Matthews. And she found this other type of therapy much harder, mostly because she knew what to expect from physical therapy and was prepared for it. The pain and the feeling of helplessness she experienced in her first physical sessions were a walk in the park compared to what she had to face in the sessions with her therapist. Dr Alexia Matthews turned to be a skilled, experienced, warm, emphatic, thoughtful, creative and caring woman, and María could feel that she truly cared about her. Tami had provided her with very little information about María, not wanting to interfere in a healthy patient-doctor dynamic, but she soon gathered enough data from María to have a comprehensive picture of the current situation. "A perfect storm," according to her words, which earned a genuine smile from María for the first time in days.
The first thing that Dr Matthews told María was that anxiety and depression were not diseases (excepting the small percentage of each that seemed to be biologically-based). Instead, they were often signs that something was wrong. She added that therapists and patients should choose between making the signs go away versus changing what is wrong in the first place. Then, she also explained that the difficult work of psychotherapy could be made easier when patients could see the relationship between what they were asked to do (whether that was to reveal their inner thoughts, approach unpleasant emotions, or complete homework) and what they hoped to get out of the therapy. "But you already know that, María. You're majoring in Psychology in a few months!" she had exclaimed at the end of their first session.
"Well, I'm starting to think that I might be good with the theory, but awfully clumsy with the practice… in all aspects of life apparently…" María had replied.
Luckily for both of them, María had a constructive and cooperative attitude from the beginning, and she soon was able to open up about her fears. She was even able to somehow describe the way she felt about certain events in her life, although she knew those thoughts were not consistent with actual facts. She was surprised to find that she felt much better after blurting it out to a stranger, and really amazed at her therapist, who seemed to make sense out of her usually confused and mixed feelings.
Besides, once the cast was off María was also able to resume physical activity, more precisely, running. As it was still too soon to return to golf or the gym, she was relieved to be able to go for a run on a daily basis. She had been especially warned by her doctors to be extremely careful to avoid falls in order not to hurt her wrist, which limited the speed she was used to and made her set a new running pace, but she welcomed the exercise anyway. After a few days running she realized that she had been so deep down her own thoughts for the last months that she had not noticed how she had missed practicing sports.
Although the sadness and sense of grief and longing was still there, and she still went through difficult moments in which she would have given anything for a dose of painkillers, after two weeks seeing her therapist and resuming exercise she felt confident enough to face two long overdue conversations. The first one, with Coach Colt. She knew she had been avoiding talking to him during the last days because she really feared the repercussions her revelation might bring, but it was time to face whatever consequences it might have. She found him in his office once everybody else was heading for the locker room after a long session in the driving range.
"Hey McGill, com'on in, have a seat," Coach Colt drawled when María knocked on his office door. He had been keeping a close eye on her since her injury and had been around golfers long enough to read the signs, but not wanting to put any more pressure on her, he had been closely watching her progress, knowing that she was bound to talk to him sooner or later.
"Thank you sir," she politely said, sitting down on a chair across his desk, and trying to work up the courage to tell him what was going on in her life.
"Well, how's physical therapy going? From what I hear, ya're doing remarkably well… Ya may be back golfing in six weeks… " he trailed off, waiting for her reaction.
She nodded, smiling. "Yes. It's being hard but apparently we've already completed the worst part…" There was no point in sugarcoating it as Coach Colt must have seen quite a few injuries like hers.
"That's great news, McGill. The team misses ya, and it'd be great to have the Captain back for the last matches…" He was not lying, either. The team was not the same without her on the course and their results since the end of November had been quite disappointing, to a point that Coach Colt and the rest of the golf staff were already worried about the following season given that María would have graduated by then.
"That'd be great, but I don't know if that's gonna be possible…" María trailed off. She was well aware that there was a possibility that she could be back golfing by the end of the collegiate season, but she had been reluctant to keep her hopes up. If she finally didn't make it, she dreaded the impact that such a disappointment could have on her still fragile state of mind.
"Why? Ya okay?" he asked, trying to give her the chance to say her piece straight away.
She seized the opportunity and started talking as soon as he posed his question. "Not as well as I'd like…, sir," she hesitantly stated, doing her best to keep her voice steady. The last thing she wanted was to start crying in front of the Head Coach.
"Sorry to hear that, McGill," he said, and went on. "You know we're all here to help you in any way we can," Coach Colt continued.
"I know, thanks," María managed to say. "I just wanted you to know that I'm afraid I developed an addiction to painkillers since the surgery. I'm seeing a therapist and apparently caught it on time. I've decreased the dosage significantly and, as you know, physical therapy has not been affected by it, but of course I do understand if you want me off the team…" she explained, nervously playing with the waistband of her watch.
"Thank ya for telling me…" Coach Colt trailed off, nodding. "I thought there was something going on with ya, kid, but ya kept saying that ya were fine..." he added, stressing the word 'fine'.
"Yeah, I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm sorry I lied to you, Coach. I know my word has not much value anymore, but I..." María replied, suddenly overwhelmed.
Coach Colt raised his hands in front of him. "Don't say that, kid. Ya've just come here and told me about what's going on, and that surely takes guts…," he said.
María nodded. "Yes, but I do understand that there might be consequences to what I've been doing lately. I know it's not the best example to..."
He sighed and interrupted her. "McGill, I wish every golfer who developed a painkiller addiction after a severe injury in our team over the years had come to me like ya just have… This sport is very demanding and not everybody has the mental strength to overcome things like that…"
María shook her head. "All due respect, sir, I don't think I have mental strength. I've been denying it for weeks and…"
Coach Colt smiled. "Kid, if ya're on the road to recovery is because ya've addressed the problem. Whether ya came to the conclusion that ya needed help on yar own or not… that's not relevant to me."
María gulped. "Thank you sir…"
"Ya're part of this team and that's not gonna change for this," he stated, waiting for her reaction. He was glad to notice signs of relief on her face. "That means she still cares, she´ll be alright," he thought. "But I do want weekly updates from yar therapist, just like we do with physical therapy, if ya agree…"
"Of course, sir, no problem," María agreed. She hesitated before pronouncing her next words. "I'll do my best not to disappoint you."
It was not the first time she had said that exact line to him, but this time the context was completely different, and she really felt the urge to pronounce those words. "Good. So that'll be all, McGill," he replied, dismissing her.
"Thanks for everything, Coach..." she quickly thanked him as relief washed over her, lifting herself off the chair and heading for the door.
"McGill?" Coach Colt called her right before she reached the door.
"Yes, sir?" María asked, turning around, locking her eyes with his.
"I know I've said this before, but I want ya to know that I still believe it no matter what ya just told me. We're all proud of ya, on and off the course. And we're looking forward to having ya back on the course and the range," he explained, looking at her intently.
"Thanks again, sir," María managed to say before exiting the office, and quickly heading for her dorm. Although she felt like she had taken a heavy weight off her shoulders, she could feel different emotions mixed with relief: worry, uncertainty, fear …, and during the last weeks she had learnt how to deal with them in a healthy way: running. So as soon as she entered her room she waved Annie, who was speaking on the phone, and changed into her running gear as quickly as she could, before any unfortunate idea could settle in her mind.
The second conversation took place the following morning when María spotted Tyra heading for the only class they had together. As everybody entered the classroom, she gently took her friend's arm and dragged her behind a column in the hall, away from any prying eyes.
"What're you doing, María? We're gonna be late..." Tyra complained.
"Don't worry, I'll talk to Mrs Lockhart later," María said. "I need a word with you, please," she added, bracing herself for impact. She had been avoiding Tyra during the last two weeks, and she knew she did not mince her words.
Tyra snorted. "Oh, now you want to talk to me? I'm sorry, I don't have anything to tell you beyond what you already know," she whispered, lowering her voice. "And maybe you can afford to be late to this class, as it is the only one you have this semester and you're acing every test and assignment, but us mortals depend on things like being punctual to graduate in May, so if you'll excuse me…" Tyra blurted out, turning around, ready to resume her way towards the classroom before the doors closed.
"Please Tyra, wait up!" María stopped her by standing in her way. "Please?" she begged. "I just wanna say I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," she apologized as thick tears slid down her cheeks. "You were totally right," she stated in a steady voice. "About the painkillers, I mean…" she added as she saw Tyra narrowing her eyes.
Tyra was caught off guard. She did not know what she had expected exactly when María had cornered her, but she was not expecting her to admit her addiction right there in the hallway. "I'm glad to hear that. How are you and how can I help you?" she asked.
"I'm good, thanks," María said, quickly wiping her tears. "Or at least I think so. I'm seeing a therapist and Coach Colt already knows… Apparently I'm on the road to recovery…" she trailed off.
Tyra's face immediately lit up. She was not expecting this sort of news, either. "That's great, María."
María nodded. "Yeah, and thanks for having my back and for calling Mrs Taylor, I really appreciate it," she continued.
This time it was Tyra who slightly nodded in return. "I'm really glad it worked out, María. I wasn't sure Tami would be able to help you from Pennsylvania but Tim insisted that it was our best shot and…" she explained.
"Tim? Tim who?" Maria inquired, furrowing.
Tyra chuckled. "Tim Riggins. His name rings any bells? Your ex boyfriend's brother, maybe?" Her talk with María had already made her forget about the class she was so eager to attend just a few minutes before. Not only because she could see that her friend was doing much better than the last time they had a conversation, but also because she had been longing to tell her that she had actually spoken with Tim on the phone. As much as she loved her sister Mindy, Tyra didn't feel comfortable sharing it with her, as undoubtedly she would remember her about their past relationship in high school. "She's the one to talk, she should hear herself talking about Billy after everything that went down between them," she thought. She could not think of a better person to share her excitement with than María. "That totally hot guy you dated our senior year in Dillon High?" she added, amused.
"Tim? You talked to Tim?" María suddenly realised, excitedly tugging her arm. By the beaming look in her friend's face, she could tell that she was right.
Tyra nodded, smiling broadly. "I did. I didn't want to call your parents, or talk to your coaches, but you needed help and I admit I was desperate. In fact so desperate he was the only one I could think of…"
"Atta girl!" María exclaimed, knowing her deep feelings for Tim, and truly happy for her. "How was it, speaking to him after all this time?" she asked.
Tyra laughed nervously, shrugging.. "I… I don't know, kind of overwhelming I guess …"
"That good, uh?" María had not seen Tyra so happy for a long time. It was amazing how a simple thing like a telephone call could change someone's mood.
"Yeah…" Tyra replied.
"So you owe me…" María chuckled. She was really glad that at least everything she had gone through the last months had ended up making Tyra happy.
"Excuse me?" Tyra asked, confused.
"Come on, Tyra, I gave you the perfect excuse to call him after four years… You definitely owe me…" María elaborated, her smile reaching her eyes.
Tyra shook her head. "Probably, I still don't know if… I don't know..."
"You do know that he'll be part of Matt and Julie's wedding party, right? And so will you?" María inquired, suddenly realising that they had not talked about the wedding since Julie had shared the news with them.
That though had taken up residence in Tyra's mind since she had spoken with him on the phone. But too afraid to be hurt again, after years of shielding herself, she had done her best to convince herself that she should keep him at arm's length if he did show any interest in her, which she really doubted. "I know," she replied, "but he'd probably end up hooking up with some hot bridesmaid and… no, I don't mean you María…" she added, chuckling. "I don't know, it felt great just to hear his voice… I don't wanna think about seeing him for a full weekend at a wedding no less…"
In the years to come María often wondered how she managed to navigate the weeks that followed her admission to Tami and the path she then started without relapsing or giving up. She did remember that she tried to keep herself busy with her only class, helping Tyra in the process, and working along with the coaching staff on planning the rest of the season, and, at the same time, did her best not to overdo it. It was difficult to find a balance. "Look how that ended up last time," she thought to herself whenever she felt she had to slow down. In addition to that, she worked hard in physical therapy despite the excruciating pain she felt most of the time, earning the admiration from her physiotherapists and her coaches. She could also recall very vividly how she really struggled after her therapy sessions, when Dr Matthews wasn't there to help her sort out her thoughts and she just wanted to forget about the choices she had made during the last months. On those occasions, running had been her way out, and no matter how late it was, she would not hesitate to put on her sneakers and run until she was too exhausted to think.
But during those weeks, at the end of the day, no matter how exhausted she was, María could not help but think that she still needed to have a very important conversation with her parents. She had begged Tami not to tell them. "Please, Tami, I promise I'll go home and tell them myself, but I need time to process everything first," she had said, terrified thinking how concerned and disappointed they would be as soon as they knew. Dr Matthews also brought it up often during her sessions. "I'm gonna tell them as soon as I go home," María kept saying. Yet weeks went by and between her only class, helping Tyra and the team and physical therapy it seemed that it was hard to find the time to go to Dillon and spend some time with Mac and Sue. "You know you can't avoid it forever, don't you? And it's really important that you do it as soon as you're ready," her therapist kept saying.
So as soon as Julie Taylor emailed her and told her about the wedding arrangements she was trying and failing miserably to arrange online, María knew it was time to go home and face that dreaded conversation with her parents, who were delighted to know that they would have her in Dillon for a weekend when she called to say she had just booked her tickets.
Her first days home since the prior summer went much better than she had expected. She found that it was nice to be back to her childhood house and her parents. It was a feeling that had accompanied her since she had gone to Florida at fourteen until the previous year, and she somehow felt that with its return some part of her true self was also back. To her surprise, once she was in Dillon she was so busy spending time with her family and helping Jules and Matt with the church and the flower arrangements that she automatically stopped worrying about running into Billy, which led her to think that she might be moving on at last. And that thought itself gave her an incredible boost of self-confidence, which ended up being handy for the important talk she finally had with Mac and Susan. Although she could say that it was the most difficult conversation she had ever had, it went reasonably well. Surprise, worry, understanding and finally relief could clearly be noticed on her parents' faces as she recounted the events of the last months and how she had been doing fine lately. She would never forget the words her mom pronounced as she went to bed that night: "We're so proud of you, honey."
Unlike the last time she had left her home to go back to Austin, this time it was hard for María to go back to college. One more long forgotten sensation that was back. "Thanks Dad, Mom, I really had a great time. I promise I'll try to come more often," she said as she did her best not to cry when she was leaving. "Don't worry about us. We'll go to Austin soon," Mac said back. After what she had shared with them during the weekend, the last thing they wanted was to be adding more pressure to her already demanding life in college.
Finally, after eight weeks of physical therapy, she got the all clear to resume golfing. Her first days at the driving range were really hard, as she was far from being the golfer she had once been, but Coach Colt had the right word of advice for her. "Ya'll come back soon enough, kid. Ya have a unique technique, and that hasn't gone away with yar surgery. It's just asleep, on stand-by… Ya'll see…"
And he had been right. Day after day Maria could feel how her technique was slowly coming back with every single stroke and putt. Much to her surprise, she even took part in a match against OSU right before spring break with a great performance. The night before she had begged Coach Colt not to let her golf if he thought she was not a hundred percent ready. "Ya'd never be part of the line up if I had any doubt, kid," he had just said."We're all looking forward to seeing ya on the course. No better time like the present," he had added.
For the first time since she had gone off to college, she was finally able to spend spring break in Dillon. This time she had no LPGA tournaments or important matches that required her to stay in Austin, and she gladly dove into Matt and Julie's wedding arrangements as soon as she arrived home. "Mom, if I ever express my wish to get married please remind me of all this before I start planning a big wedding," she told Sue one evening when they finally got home after countless visits to the church, the reception venue and the florists during the same day.
Sue chuckled. "You're too young to get married, honey…" In fact, she thought that Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor should not be tying the knot so young, but she didn't want to enter into an argument with her daughter, who seemed to be happier lately.
Her mother's words brought her mind back to when she had strongly contemplated the possibility of leaving everything behind to be with Billy and start a family with him. "I know, but there was a time when I seriously thought about it, Mom. I guess it's something you consider when you're in love, and I was madly in love at the time…" María finally said, hoping those thoughts would not scare her mother.
Sue frowned. This was certainly news to her. "Did Billy ever propose, sweetie?" she softly inquired. María had not mentioned Billy in months, and now that she was somehow referring to him she didn't want her to clam up again. But her comment had made her wonder about her daughter and her former boyfriend's plans.
The realization hit her. No matter what María had considered at the time or how they had discussed having a family at a certain point, the truth was that he never proposed. "No, he never did," she responded shaking her head. "But I did think about it…" she added, locking eyes with her mother, relieved to find out that she didn't feel the urge to cry as she talked about Billy.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out between you two, honey. You know, he still asks about you when he comes to watch football with your father…" Sue cautiously said.
"Mom, please, I don't wanna talk about him…" she begged. It was one thing that she no longer felt the need to cry when his name came up, but it was a very different one to be willing to talk about him.
"I know, I'm sorry," Sue quickly apologised. "It's just that your dad and I often wonder what he did for you to leave him and…"
María held her hands in front of her, trying to get her mom to drop that topic. "That's the thing. He didn't do anything, Mom. He just got caught up in all my mess, I guess. That's why it's been so painful… The mere thought of running into him somewhere was overwhelming…" she finally admitted.
"And it's not anymore?" Sue inquired, glad that María was at last opening up about how she had felt during the last months.
"It isn't. You know, it's great to be able to spend time with you and dad at home and not to be afraid of going to the grocery shop," María continued as she kissed her mother's cheek and walked past her into the kitchen, busying herself in starting dinner and thus ending the conversation.
As the spring break was coming to end, Maria called Julie to let her know that all the arrangements they had discussed had already been taken care of.
"Thanks, María, you're a lifesaver. I don't know how we could've gotten everything ready without your help…" Julie thanked her. Her mother had been right when she had told her that trying to organize a wedding from opposite sides of the country was plain and simple crazy. They had been very lucky to have the McGills in their corner.
"Oh, thank my mom. She prepared most of it in advance while I was in Austin. You nervous? The big day's less than two months away…" María said.
Julie took a few seconds to respond. "No, I'm not nervous about promising Matt to spend the rest of my life with him. It's the little details about the ceremony and the recepcion that drive me crazy…" she explained.
"Well, don't worry. I really think you've got everything under control…" María assured her.
Julie then laughed. "Not quite. I didn't want to tell you anything before we knew for sure, but Landry might not be able to make it…" she elaborated. Landry had just called Matt the day before and her fiancé had quickly set a plan B in motion.
"Oh, Jules, I'm sorry. I know how close he and Matt have always been…" María said.
Julie nodded. Landry had played a very important role in the beginning of their relationship and she would miss him dearly if he couldn't make it to their wedding. "Yeah… If he finally can't come, Matt wants Tim to be his best man..."
María suddenly remembered that there had been a short time, not too long ago, when Julie and Tim had been more than friends. "Does that worry you, Jules?" she softly asked.
Julie chuckled when she heard her friend's worried tone. "No, Tim being Matt's best man doesn't bother me at all. Matt knows everything that there is to know about Tim and I and he still wants him to be his best man. The thing is…" She stopped to take a breath. "He's thinking about Billy to replace his brother as a groomsman…," she carried on, "and that'd mean that it'd be Billy walking you down the aisle, and I don't know if you're okay with that, and the last thing I want is to…" she rambled, clearly concerned about María, who froze for a second but was able to react like she knew she should react.
"Julie! It's your wedding! You shouldn't be thinking about me!" she exclaimed, hoping that Landry would be able to make it in the end, and not only for Matt's sake.
"But I know you haven't seen him since last summer and…" Julie dwelt on.
"Jules, really, it's fine. Let Matt have the groomsmen he wants. It's your day! You shouldn't be thinking about anything else," María insisted. She really thought that Matt and Julie came first regarding their most important day.
But after the call ended and reality sank in, María wondered if she truly was ready to attend the rehearsal dinner and the whole wedding with Billy by her side.