Lol I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift, clearly.

And yes I've seen the latest episode and I can't wait to see where that takes Towen! I'm so excited! Nice to finally ship an endgame. Lol

Treacherous - Taylor Swift

"You idiot"

She thinks about his closeness. Their lips almost touching.

"I have loved you forever"

She feels his breath against her. He gets closer and her heart is leaping out of her chest.

"I have loved you when I was coupled up. I have loved you when I was single."

She tries to find his eyes, but she notices he's staring at her lips. She wants to move closer.

"I have loved you… every second" Gravity pulls her closer and closer to him "Of every day"

Their forehead touch and she feels this magnetic…exhilaration.

He says her name. She wants to hear it over and over. The way he says it, she can sense the desperation. Desperation for what? She can't tell. But it almost sounded like he's pleading.

"I love you…" She breathes out, desperately wanting him to say it back "I'm in love with you"

There was a pause. For a moment she was…hopeful. For a moment held onto hope that someone will pick her. Someone she loves will actually choose her. Someone will reciprocate every feeling and love and care she's given them.

Reciprocating isn't actually the problem. They love her. She has a list of people who's loved her back but chose someone else. So she's hopeful that maybe this time, she'll actually win.

Their foreheads touch. Noses graze each other.

She knows this was the moment. This was the moment she's imagined for years of being in love with her friend.

"I'm in love with Cristina"

She heard the words. She heard the words and it punched her in the gut.

She pulls back and looks him in the eyes, processing the words that came out of his mouth. She knows he meant it. He's in love with Cristina. Why else would she be here? She reminds herself that she was just a present for Cristina.

It wasn't new to her, being the one not picked. It happened before. The ache is familiar. So she swallows the lump forming in her throat. She swallows the pain along with it. It hurts.

She could not believe that after all these years.. after all these years and time together… he still can't see her. He still can't … choose her.

I'm in love with Cristina. It reverberates in her head as he backs away from her and out the door.

It hurts. It hurts but she'll bury it deep inside because it's Owen. She'll hang around because… it's Owen. It's a game she's been playing for a long time and her mind leads her to a path that's…not advisable. The path to self-loathe and self-destruct. Her brain betrays her into thinking there is hope. So she'll hang around.

She's almost addicted to the ache she feels from the stolen glances, from the closeness, from the nearness of his lips.

And now she has to stand and operate with his girlfriend. She can't even hate her. She's brilliant. She's…. great. Of course he's in love with her. But she doesn't understand why he can't choose her. They've had years of friendship. Of history.

But clearly she didn't matter that much to him if he's never even told his girlfriend about her.

So it's definitely all in her head. She's tortured herself into thinking she had a chance with him.

Her treacherous, illogical brain betraying her yet again.

So now she's standing in front of Cristina Yang, who she wishes she could hate because Owen was supposed to be hers. Because Owen was supposed to choose her. But it's not Cristina's fault. She has nothing to do with it. Cristina is a great student and she's a great teacher, so she's going to put all her bitterness aside. Okay, some of her bitterness aside. She's human with feelings, after all.

So she goes back to her lonely hotel room on New Years Eve. No one to hold her. No one to live out a romantic comedy story line with her.

Just her in the large hotel bed with her thoughts and pain and ache for him.

She imagines how it would feel if there was a knock on the door. She'll open it and it's him. Panting because he ran to her. Panting because of his own pain from ending it with Cristina. But he will tell her that it's okay because he's always wanted to be with her and he chooses her. And she will lead him into the bed and they will blow each other's mind. And they will make up for all the years they've lost. They will be tangled to each other, professing their love for each other.

But of course that's not what happens. She thinks about his lips. His eyes. She crawls under the sheets and drifts to sleep thinking about him. Just like every night. Nothing's changed.

She's not being petty. Okay, maybe she is a little bit. Maybe she did it on purpose and gave Cristina an annoying patient. But also sure she can say it was a learning experience. She's going to come across patients who will change their minds, who will be demanding, who will be.. annoying. And she had a little fun watching Cristina suffer. She also knew Cristina needed to be pushed. So when things went wrong during the surgery she stood there and watched Cristina flail. She's not going to let the patient die, that's true. But yeah, there was some jealousy there. That Cristina has the perfect life. She has the talent, the friends, … the guy. And she has nothing. So maybe she wanted to see Cristina fail. But Cristina is talented and she knows Cristina will also figure it out. Cristina will save the patient, because Cristina is talented. Cristina is perfect.

And her setting Cristina up to fail doesn't really get her the guy. Okay, no, she wasn't setting her up to fail. She was teaching her. She was trying to see how far she can go. She would have stepped in if she needed to. But she didn't need to because it's Cristina.

So when he asked if nothing else was going on in that room, all she can say was "Owen.."

When he pushes for an answer, all she says was "It's not going to work. I have to leave."

She loves Owen. She loves him. She's always been in love with him. There was no question about that. Everyone who had any sense of awareness can tell. The way she looks at him, the way she'd bend over backwards for him, the way she'd fight for him…. The way she'd fly to him because he asked her. She Loves him. She loves-loves him.

The smart thing to do is to walk away. Walk away because she still has some dignity left in her. Cristina will find a different attending she can learn from. That's not her problem. She doesn't owe Cristina anything.

But it hurts her to walk away. Away from Owen. Away from… the possibility of being with Owen eventually.

When she cries out "I want Owen" She meant every word. And it's the first time she's ever said it out loud to any human—to any living creature for that matter.

So when Cristina offers to trade Owen for her mentorship, that persistent hope that maybe Owen and Cristina won't last comes back to her. And maybe she'll be the sloppy seconds she'll pathetically settle for.

Because this… unending carousel.. this slippery slope is addicting. It's… dangerous. She's stupid enough to choose this charade.

She'll be fine. She'll be around him.

She might be addicted to the pain. It's ridiculous but it's true.

So she decides to stay to be tortured and to be emotionally beaten.

Because it's Owen.

She's been drinking. She's been drinking for a while now because Owen is late. So she's had a few drinks and then beer and a shot and he has his own waiting for him. She wasn't planning on telling him that Cristina practically gave him away. The more she more she drank the more she thought it was a good idea. Her drunk brain isn't the best. She has to admit that.

Unfortunately for her, it had the adverse effect. Which was to be expected.

She pushed him further and now he's completely not speaking to her.

And she's embarrassed. She's embarrassed because she can't runaway. She can't run away because of her contract. And she's ashamed because she said things she shouldn't have said and she's still pining for a man who has made it clear that he doesn't want her. So she asked for Jackson Avery to be assigned to her service because she needs a break from Cristina. Because she needs a break from Owen.

And she can't today. She just… can't.

And today it's not just Owen. It's everything. And she can't deal with the thoughts in her head so she's going to focus on work because her world can't just stop when she feels depressed and terrible and triggered.

This whole narrative going through her head since she moved to Seattle has solely been based on Owen.

He's the reason she's here. He's the reason she's dug herself into this hole.

But her triggers comes and go. And it's not just from the war. It's much more than that. From Allison. From.. Owen. it's the same shit.

Today she can't because today she's reminded of everyone and everything else that had made her feel insignificant and unimportant.

And today it's much worse because she's the new girl nobody really knows and the only person she can turn to is not speaking to her.

So Today she can't.

Today she will… disassociate.

Because she's stuck. She can't go anywhere. She can't runaway. She can't put her thoughts and feelings aside.

When Cristina doesn't answer page, she's enraged because what the hell is she even doing here.

What the fuck is she even doing in this godforsaken city suffering, and her student doesn't even respect her enough to answer her page.

So when he makes a lame excuse about detaining her, she's upset because the least he can do was stay out of it. Let Cristina fight her battles.

Today she's going to hide in her newly rented cottage. She doesn't even know why she thinks it's her hiding. It's not like anyone is out there looking for her. But whatever. She's in her newly rented cottage. It's empty and unfurnished and it feels…cold. But it's home.

It's lonely. But she rented a home because like she said, she's addicted to the pain. She's addicted to wasting her life away. But at least she's wasting her life away in Seattle. It's not that bad. And Owen is … here. And it's probably far-fetched but they're going to be friends again eventually.

So now all she has is her empty cottage and her fish, which she got so she has something to come home to, and her zero friends.

Maybe she'll have Owen over someday and they'll sit by the water, as friends, maybe more. And they'll talk about how silly it was to let all the years pass by.

That silly daydream stings but… for now she has her fish.

And she'll be fine.

Valentines Day sucks.

It sucks. And everyone is extra showy of their love, as if they can't just show it any other day. The extra showcase makes everything so.. fake and forced.

And she misses Owen.

She tries not to imagine how Valentines Day would be if he had chosen her. Maybe she won't be as bitter. Maybe she'll even be one of the lame people celebrating.

It's all dumb.

And she finds him in the scrub room and she… wants to talk to him and yell at him just to feel more pain than she feels now. She misses the twinge of pain. Masochistic pain junkie.

And he stands there ignoring her.

And she just wants him to yell back. So she keeps pushing his buttons.

"Okay! Alright. Alright. What is your problem?!" Finally.

"You were my best friend!" She says. It's true. He is her best friend. And she misses her best friend. "My best friend who I could tell everything to, and now you won't even look at me."

"Yeah,'cause you said you love me!" As if that was the worst thing anyone can hear. Who doesn't want to fucking hear that they're loved.

"You said you loved me too…and then…and then you chose Yang"

"You chose her too! You chose her too!" There is something incredible hypnotizing when he yells. Like, it pulls her in and melts her. And she feels incredibly not normal when she feels this sensation when he raises his voice. And he sounds pained that he had to choose. Cristina must be that good and lovable that he's just willing to throw away a decade of friendship. When she feels incredibly sad and lonely she just thinks, he said he loved her too.

"When I talk to you I feel like I'm cheating on her. So I'm sorry."

She doesn't know what to say to that. Because now she knows he'll never reciprocate or choose her. He's made up his mind. He loves Cristina more.

"And I miss my best friend too"

And it hurts to hear it come from his mouth, but she's going to walk away.

And then maybe they can be friends.

Maybe that's all they're meant to be in this lifetime.

And it hurts and she'll bear it because the declaration doesn't make her unlove him.

She runs after them.

And she gives her whole spiel. And she's going to be fine because she'll make damn sure that she'll get her best friend back, even if that's all she can get.

"I'm gonna be fine. You and I are going to be friends"

And she means it.

And she's going to look back years from now, wherever they are, wherever their friendship has taken them and going to know that she did the right thing. She can let him go. She can deal with it.

His friendship is better than nothing.

His friendship is better than most things.

And she likes Cristina. At least this time it's someone she can get along with. She still has so much to teach her. And there will be many days to spend time with Owen.

Though everything else hurts, and there will be so much emotional anguish to deal with, he still said that he loved her too. And she'll carry that with her.

Allison loved her too.

Owen loved her too.

It's a treacherous position to be, but maybe… it's just the role she's fated to play in their lives.

Maybe one day she'll be the first choice.

She'll be alright someday.

I don't know why I keep writing pointless stuff. I'm blaming the song. :) I think it's just an outlet for all my pent up Towen feelings lol