Although Yavena was able to find Levi fairly quickly, when she asked where the Commander was, he replied that Erwin had been immediately summoned to the capitol building within Stohess District so he might give an explanation for the plentiful razing that had occurred.
She grew nervous with this. It was entirely possible that Erwin would be arrested, and there would be nothing that anyone could do about it. Swallowing hard, she asked, "Do you think he'll be coming back soon?"
"I assume so. He seemed certain that he could spin this operation in our favor, even if it didn't turn out as well as we wanted."
Yavena sighed and nodded, although she wasn't entirely reassured. She then relayed her report of what had happened upon the top of the Wall—Levi frowned as she mentioned how the priest wouldn't talk, even under threat of being dropped down Wall Sina to his death.
"Tch," he muttered. "Just our luck."
From there, however, the issue remained that Eren needed to be taken care of. Mikasa and Armin had been sitting alongside him for a while; there were still red marks upon his face showing where his skin had attached to that of his Titan's.
"I'll take care of Eren," Yavena said, casting a glance towards her squad-mate and his friends. "Are you able to locate Erwin and tell him what I've told you?"
Levi nodded curtly, but just as she turned to walk away, he asked, "Will you remain part of the squad?"
Yavena blinked and turned around, a small smile upon her face. "Of course. Why do you ask?"
He frowned and looked away.
She narrowed her eyes and turned her head so she could see his face. He had been uncertain, but now there was something else… it took her only a few seconds to place it: relief, from what she had answered. The smile upon her face became mischievous at the revelation. "You prefer it when I follow your orders, do you?"
Now he glared at her—upon seeing the smirk dancing across her lips, he rolled his eyes and said, "Just get the brat to safety."
Yavena laughed and returned to Eren's side. As she arrived, Armin was wrapping a bandage around his head. There had been a thin red line descending from his temple; Mikasa quickly wiped it away with her sleeve.
"Armin, Mikasa," she said, kneeling next to them. "We're going to bring Eren to the capitol building, all right? He will need to rest and recuperate there."
Each of the recruits nodded—Yavena reached out to take Eren in her arms, but Mikasa's pointed look stopped her. Mikasa grabbed him instead, carrying him as though he were a sack of flour.
Trying not to roll her eyes, Yavena said, "I suppose that works. Come on. Let's follow the other soldiers."
Just before they set out, however, something prompted Yavena to turn around. She glanced backwards to see that Jean was standing silently on his own, apparently unsure of what to do with himself. "Jean!"
He started, broken from his stupor, and looked at her.
"We're going to go to the capitol building. Come on… you need rest."
Jean glanced between Yavena, Mikasa—who was holding Eren in her arms—and Armin. Then he nodded and forced himself forward.
The walk through Stohess District was a solemn one. All four of them were reserved, looking across the carnage that had appeared in the wake of the day's operations. Mikasa did not have eyes for the city; she only kept herself focused on Eren, ensuring that he was well, and that nothing else could befall him. Jean was the one who looked haunted by the carnage. Doubt and sorrow swam past his eyes in waves, coming and going.
And then there was Armin. Yavena had expected Armin to be the most devastated by the day's events, as he was such a kindhearted soul—but he, more so than anyone else in the Scout Regiment, seemed solidified in his resolve. He did not spare looks back. He did not seem to regret. It surprised her greatly, and prompted her to say, "You are very different from Eren in some ways, Armin."
He looked towards her without blinking. "How so?"
"You understand the horror of this war on Titans," she answered. She kept her eyes focused on the road ahead—they had reached the main street, and would be approaching the capitol building soon. "You know what Erwin must do in order to gain even one small semblance of victory, the choices that he must make. And even more than that, you do not condemn him for it. You know that it's necessary. Eren… is not like that. He does not understand—he is too idealistic for his own good. Help him see, Armin. He will need your intelligence and intuition, Jean's leadership and dedication, and Mikasa's loyalty and protection in the months to come."
Armin's blue eyes stared evenly into hers. For the first time, she realized how tall he stood when he felt brave or understood. It was the first time that Yavena realized he was actually taller than she was.
"And keep that bravado," she added, nudging him in the ribs with her elbow while taking care to be gentle about it.
Now he chuckled, even if the gesture was short-lived.
They passed a few members of the Military Police, some of whom were glaring at them. It seemed they had received orders to begin gathering the deceased from the streets; large columns of smoke reached up to the sky.
Yavena knew they could only be pyres.
It was only twenty minutes later that they had reached the capitol building. A few of the Military Police members escorted them towards the wing where the members of the Scout Regiment were allowed to remain.
For neither the first nor last time, Yavena found herself unsurprised and disgusted at the opulence within Wall Sina. There were countless people suffering in Wall Rose, still reeling from their losses from five years ago… and yet these people were luxuriously dining in grand halls, growing fat on sweets and honeyed meats in safety, never mind how expensive those foods might be.
"Pigs," she growled under her breath.
"Eh?" asked Jean.
She took a careful breath, knowing that it would not be wise to repeat the insult seeing as they were being sheltered by said pigs. A stone of disgust dropped in her stomach—she did not want to be associated with them for long. The sooner they could return to Scout Regiment headquarters, the better.
"Nothing, Jean," she said.
She'd have to content herself with Levi's words from Eren's trial instead.
They reached a room where Eren could be placed. It was simple compared to the rest of the castle; a bed with cotton sheets, a window with purple flowers upon its sill, a few pieces of furniture for belongings that none of the soldiers had.
Mikasa carefully placed him underneath the sheets of the bed, although her dark eyes remained locked upon his face after this was done. She grabbed a small bench on the side of the room and pulled it towards the bedside, not bothering to look towards anyone else.
"Mikasa," Yavena said. The other woman turned around. "Do you trust in my combat ability?"
Two pairs of dark eyes locked on the other's. Yavena could tell that Mikasa was attempting to read her face the same way that she read others', trying to turn her own trick against her—and yet, Mikasa was strangely hard to read… like Levi.
But not impossible.
Hidden deep within her face was some sort of skepticism; even as Yavena stared at her, however, it melted away. It was replaced with hope, although it was clear that it was not an unbridled kind of hope… more like a hint at it. And beyond even that—jealousy.
"Erwin has promoted me to a Captain," said Yavena, deciding it would be best to inform the others of the development sooner rather than later. "But I am not leading a squad. I am to protect Eren with my entire being, just as you have put the same duty upon yourself. I need to know if you trust in me, so that we may work together should the need ever arise."
Mikasa's eyes widened. Softly, she said, "Oh… congratulations."
"Thank you. But you have not answered my question."
She was quiet for a long moment, glancing between Eren and Yavena. It seemed like Mikasa had been so hell-bent on protecting him on her own for so long, she was unused to the idea of having anyone else assisting her.
"I wish you to know that there would be no doubts in my mind in what I would have to do, should Eren ever be in danger. The last thing I wish in the world is for something to befall him—he has become an incredibly close friend of mine. He is like the younger brother I never had."
This last sentence made a palpable wash of relief spread across Mikasa's face, one that Yavena did not have to pry to see. Then, she said, "Aye. I can trust your ability. You survived the Female Titan's first encounter, and led her into the traps by yourself and did not die. Most people are weak. You are not as weak as they are."
Yavena nodded, choosing to ignore the slight jab that Mikasa had made at the end of her statement. It would be enough to know that they could work together, trust each other, for Eren's protection—for that of humankind.
"So… you're Captain Verman now?" asked Jean's voice. He was leaning against the wall on the far side of the room, trying to offer her a smile but failing. There were too many shadows under his eyes to make the gesture believable. "That's great, Yavena. Congratulations."
"Thank you," she said again, although she could not bring herself to smile. "I can tell something is bothering you, Jean. Speak your mind."
His chestnut eyes darted around the room; he reminded Yavena of a cornered rabbit, searching for any way to escape. "I'm fine," he said.
"You obviously are not. Although… I feel as though I may already know what your disquiet is about."
He inhaled sharply and looked towards Yavena, who was careful to keep her expression as composed as possible. Something snapped inside of him at that moment: something primal, something that had been held back for who knew how long. "How are you so calm right now! Just a few days ago, I thought we were in the same boat—that it would be better off if we… if we were…"
Jean sighed and flopped onto the couch on the far side of the room, holding his head in his hands. "We caused so much destruction today. So many people died because of us. How is that not despicable?"
Yavena's heart softened. She walked over to Jean and sat next to him, placing a hand upon his knee. She waited—only once his eyes met hers did she say, "Is it despicable? Yes. But it's necessary. Jean… both of my parents were Captains in the Scout Regiment. I grew up knowing that in this world, there is no victory without sacrifice. My father preached that to me every chance he got, and he was right. When we go outside the Walls, we lose perfectly good soldiers, all of them with long lives still ahead of them. When we set up this ambush, we did so with the knowledge that it was likely there would be civilian casualties. But what would have happened if we did nothing, Jean?"
He kept his eyes focused on hers, which were full of intent. After a moment, he mumbled, "She would've been free to wreak havoc within Wall Sina."
"Exactly," she murmured. "If the Armored and Colossal Titans came to Wall Rose and destroyed it, the Female Titan would've been free to do the same from within Wall Sina. There would've been no place for humankind to go—it would have been the end of humanity. Erwin made a choice: the lives of a hundred citizens today, or the lives of all of humankind in the future. It's a brutal choice; unfair, and unforgiving. But it must be made."
Jean chuckled humorlessly. "Armin told me all this, when we were perched in the trees outside that damn forest. You'd think I would've learned by now."
Yavena was not surprised to hear that Armin had come to this conclusion faster than the rest of his comrades. He was more mature; more attuned to the cruelty of the world. The rest of them—save for Eren and Mikasa—were more green. They still didn't know. So she said, "It will take time for it to process. After all, we humans have always been interconnected. Distancing oneself… it takes immense willpower, and it is not easy. But the best soldiers are the ones who do it anyway. They know what needs to be done and they do it, no matter the consequences."
"Like Captain Levi," Jean suggested.
She smiled somewhat. That had been exactly who she was thinking of. "Aye. Just like Levi."
A brief silence overcame the room. Armin and Mikasa both were listening to the conversation, each with some sort of investment. Feeling a blanket of shaky peace overcome them, Yavena moved her hand from Jean's knee to her jacket pocket and said, "You asked me how I was so calm. In truth… I'm not. I'm angry. Furious. Things should've been different today. But they're not. Levi once told Eren and I that we never know how things are going to turn out… there is no wrong choice in the heat of the moment. You can only do what you think is best; what you will have the least amount of regrets choosing."
She grabbed the four names out of her pocket and held them out so Jean could look at them. She waved Armin and Mikasa forward as well—they followed her summons, peering at the four names.
"Your squad…" Armin began to say.
Yavena nodded, trailing a thumb over the name Eld Jinn. "Aye, that they were. When we came back… I was devastated. I'd been left in charge of the squad in Levi's absence. When the Female Titan came after us, I ordered them to fight so Eren would have a chance to escape. Even though I couldn't have known what would have happened… part of me still feels as though it's my fault for their deaths. For a few days, I felt as though I should've been the one dead. I gave the order after all, didn't I?
"But that's not what happened. I survived—barely, perhaps, but I was alive. And… I was reminded that there are still so many things that need to be done. Eren needs to be protected. Wall Maria needs to be taken back. My friends need to be avenged. And if I died… I'd never be able to help with those things.
"I have Hange. Eren. Erwin. I have you three. I have the recruits back in Wall Rose. I have Levi. So long as there are others that I care about, people who know their duty, people who know what needs to be done… as long as there's still someone fighting with me, that is enough."
Yavena closed her fist around the four names and replaced them in her pocket.
A breeze entered the room from the opened window. It was a soothing gesture, one of few in Yavena's recent memory. The faces of the three recruits had morphed from distressed to peaceful during the time that she had been talking, but there were bags under their eyes and lines upon their faces. It had been a long day.
With a smile, Yavena rose to her feet and said, "You three take care of yourselves, all right? I will talk to you soon, I'm sure."
They all nodded towards her—Jean and Armin smiled, though Mikasa did not—and thus she found herself leaving the room… but only after looking upon Eren one last time. He was still in a deep sleep; she figured this was a good thing. He'd exerted a lot of energy, and without him, the Female Titan would've escaped.
Yavena gently closed the door behind her and began walking through the hallways, trying to stifle her distaste at the gaudy décor. The whole capitol building was made of white marble and gilded with gold. There was no purpose to it, save to show off how wealthy the denizens of this building were.
She found herself looking for the kitchens, although it took her a while to locate them due to the size of the place and the confusingly interlocking hallways. Finally, however, she managed it: there were a few workers within the kitchens, all of whom looked up at her entrance.
"Something you need, my lady?" one of them asked, taking care to curtsey.
Yavena started, shocked by the protocol. "You don't need to worry about… that. I was just going to fix myself a cup of tea—"
No sooner had the words exited her mouth than one of the workers scuttled over to the countertops and began to fill a kettle with water. It was on the fires faster than she could blink.
"We'll bring it out to you!" one of the young women cried. Her hair was a beautiful goldenrod color: it reminded Yavena of Christa. "You may take a seat in the lounge, if you wish! Or perhaps we could bring it to your room instead, seeing as you are a guest—"
"It's… it's all right," Yavena stammered, holding out a hand. "I'll just make it myself… you don't need to worry about me."
She was quite unused to such effusive treatment, and it seemed that the workers were unused to having someone refuse their help. Everyone was frowning: it was Yavena who broke the silence by saying, "I mean, I'm grateful for your offers. But you seem busy already. So… it's all right."
The four workers in the room exchanged incredulous looks. At last, one of them said, "As you wish. Thank you," before returning to their cleaning. The rest followed suit, apparently startled and appreciative of the fact that Yavena was not going to make them run around in circles.
Yavena fixed her cup of tea quickly and decided it would be nice to find this lounge that the workers had been speaking of. She had better luck locating it than she had with the kitchens—but it seemed that she was not the only one with this idea.
"I should've known you'd be here," she said, trying not to smile.
Levi did not turn around at the sound of her voice. He merely waved a hand, gesturing her over to the chair opposite of him.
She took it; it was surprisingly squishy. Yavena shuffled somewhat to try and get herself comfortable. "This place is so… weird." When she looked back to her Captain, there was a raised eyebrow meeting her. "It can't be too soon that we return to headquarters."
"We'll only be here a couple of days," Levi said, taking a sip of the tea that he'd apparently also retrieved from the kitchens. "Just long enough to make sure Eren's wounds are healed and the Scout Regiment is ready to move out."
Yavena nodded, although the tea was still too hot for her to begin drinking. "Did those workers bombard you too, when you went in the kitchens?"
He shook his head. "No. They looked like they were about to shit themselves when I walked in there."
"I can't possibly see why, you're just so approachable."
"I am, aren't I?"
She restrained a grin and hid it by taking a sip of her tea, never mind the fact that it was still quite hot and almost burned her tongue.
The sun was setting outside by this point, casting dull oranges and yellows throughout the lounge. A fire was blazing in the hearth ahead of them, helping to warm and shield her from the cool of autumn. Yavena kept her eyes upon the dancing flames, but even though she was quite comfortable, a chill ran down her back. She knew it was likely due to the company she kept—a light frown crossed her face, as she knew that she had to get over such symptoms.
But when Yavena glanced back over to Levi, she noticed that there was some sort of snappishness to his face. There was no confusion to why this was: he was bitter about the civilian casualties.
"We'll make sure to avenge them," she said softly.
Levi's silver eyes found her own. "Today's violence was forced upon them. They had no choice. Vengeance will not help them."
"Neither will apologies or regrets," Yavena said evenly. She took a sip of her tea—it had cooled down in the short few minutes that they had simply sat in one another's company.
"Fair," he said, although there was still some resentment in his voice.
Yavena bit the inside of her cheek, knowing that he was far from comforted. "I did not mean to be harsh. It's just… the truth."
He sighed, holding the teacup with one hand. "I know."
Another uncomfortable silence settled across the lounge. Yavena could not help feeling as though this was a different type of company that they were keeping compared to the nights when they would sit in the lounge within Scout Regiment headquarters. She did not know why this was; but she didn't think it wise for her to vacillate on it for too long.
Yavena studied him for a long moment. There was something else on his mind; he seemed very far away, despite being so close. Her voice soft, she said, "You know, it's odd. When I first met you, I thought you didn't care about anything. Now I can't help but wonder if it's all an act to hide how much you do."
The only sound to be heard was the crackling of the fire within the hearth. Yavena wasn't sure why she had told Levi this, but she had, and there was no taking it back.
"You can keep wondering," he said at last.
A laugh escaped her lips, clear and clairvoyant. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Levi."
Something changed in the way he was sitting; the most miniscule detail. He had straightened ever so slightly before catching her eye—Yavena knew that he was trying to look past her defenses, but in truth, she had never been as good at hiding herself away like he was.
"You could just ask what I'm thinking," she said plainly, draining her cup.
"Tch."
Whatever barrier Yavena had felt between them earlier was gone. She sighed, looked regrettably towards her empty teacup, and muttered, "I knew I should've gotten a second one."
A tiny smirk appeared on Levi's face, but he said nothing.
From somewhere far beyond the lounge, Yavena was suddenly able to hear the unmistakable sound of music. She started—she hadn't heard any music for a long time, and hearing a song was jarring in the best way possible.
Yavena stood and tiptoed towards the door that led towards the music, as though in a trance. The song that was playing was something she had only heard every now and then; a lullaby that her Aunt Dorothea would sing to her when she was a child.
"The Underground District was a shithole, but people knew how to make music there."
She froze and turned back to Levi, who was sitting in the chair with his arms upon both armrests. The light of the fire flickered upon his face; he was looking directly towards Yavena, whose eyes were wide. Seeing this, he added, "There wasn't a lot to be happy about there. Music was one of few ways to combat that."
"Did you learn to play?" she asked.
Levi shook his head. "No. Farlan tried, but he was horrible at it." He finished off the last dregs of his tea without breaking eye contact. "Like you, he would've hated it here. Isabel pretended like she loathed the idea of a rich life, but she was always a shit liar. She would've loved it."
The corners of Yavena's lips turned upward. This was Levi's way of reminiscing well of his friends, that much was certain.
She turned back to the music and began unconsciously humming the next few notes. Yavena surprised herself with how much she remembered—it had been over five years since she had seen her Aunt Dorothea, but the memory was still there.
"My Aunt Dorothea taught me that lullaby," she sighed, rubbing her arm. "I'd always wanted to be as good at singing as she had been, but it seems my talents lie in war and not art."
"I wouldn't speak too soon."
Yavena started to smile—
"And by that, I mean I've heard worse."
She sighed, dropping her hand from grasping at her arm so she could put her hands on her hips. Staring back at him accusingly, she said, "You're either being mean or nice, and I'm not quite sure which one it is."
Levi's expression did not change. "Take a guess."
Although Yavena would've been able to easily determine the answer, part of her was unsure that she wanted it. Instead, she turned back to the doorway, listening intently to the sounds of instruments she could not name. She figured the song was for somebody 'important,' as the people within Wall Sina liked to say, but she could appreciate the music from here too.
"Did you find Erwin and tell him about my report?" asked Yavena, not turning away from the song.
"Aye. He met with the authorities today. It seems they're pardoning the Scout Regiment after all."
A sigh of relief escaped her. "Good. I was worried they'd arrest him."
"They'd be stupid to. The only ones with the information and the willpower to do what needs to be done now are Erwin and those of us who remain in the Scout Regiment."
He was not wrong, something that Yavena was grateful for. The politicians within Wall Sina might be greedy and corrupt, but they were not stupid—that was probably the reason that they'd been in power for so long. Her tone was edged with malice as she muttered, "I doubt they'll give a shit what happens with the Titans, so long as they don't break through Wall Sina. They've never seemed to care before, have they?"
Levi sniffed in disdain. "Oh, they'll definitely care if Titans break into Wall Rose. It will mean more refugees, another food shortage… most of them will probably start barking to seal up the gates without letting anyone through."
Yavena whirled around, unable to keep the stricken look from her face. "Would they really do that?"
"Aye. They would."
Her knees went weak; Yavena forced herself back into her chair, shocked by the revelation that he was probably right. Those in positions of gluttonous power like the merchants who'd attended Eren's trial were always attempting to keep themselves at the top. Many of them would do whatever it took to remain exactly where they were already at.
As soon as this thought crossed her mind, her jaw clenched. Another thread of resolve had just been woven into the tapestry of reasons why she had to be calm, just like she'd told Jean earlier. Darkly, she said, "Then we'll just have to make sure Wall Rose never falls."
Before Levi could respond, the door to the lounge slammed open, and Hange's voice was saying, "Oye, Yavena! I heard you were here—I need your opinion on something!"
Both of them jolted at the suddenness of Hange's appearance, but were unable to say anything as she swiftly crossed the room and seized Yavena's arm without so much as a question.
Yavena gasped as she was practically hauled out of her chair. "Hange! Where are we going?"
"To my temporary office! There's something I need your advice on."
"But—"
"No time for questions, come on!"
There was clearly no choice. Yavena sighed and shot Levi a hopeless look, one that just made him raise an eyebrow and smirk slightly—and then Hange had pulled her out of the lounge and was all but dragging her through the hallways.
"Are you going to tell me what this is about?" Yavena asked, trying not to sound too exasperated. While she would never say it aloud, she'd rather liked where she had been and would've been content to remain there for a while longer.
"Something important," replied Hange, and the troubled look in her dark eyes was enough to support this statement.
Yavena did not reply to this. At first, she'd thought that this was another ridiculous ploy of Hange's—but now she knew that was not the case at all.
After a few minutes of running through the hallways of the capitol building, Hange finally slid to a stop in front of the door that could only lead to her temporary office. She yanked it open; inside was a large desk upon which a number of candles were burning. Parchments were strewn across the wood. A book sat open atop them. In the center of the desk, there was a microscope with a shiny rock underneath it. It was the same material that had surrounded Annie…
"Come here!" Hange exclaimed, waving enthusiastically.
Yavena obeyed the summons as Hange walked over towards the microscope. Her eyes were fixed upon the tiny piece of crystal that sat upon the desk; raising an eyebrow, she asked, "What is it you need me to do?"
"I need a second opinion. Look through the microscope."
She did so, squinting somewhat to get a good look at the rock in question. Up close, it was a lot more colorful than she'd anticipated: the crystal wasn't clear, as she had expected it to be… jets of red, blue, and yellow lights were shining due to the light of the surrounding candles. As Hange slowly moved a light closer and farther away, Yavena could see the colors of the crystal phase in and out.
"What is it I'm looking for?"
"Just take a good look."
Yavena bit the inside of her lip to keep from making a frustrated comment and kept her eye pressed to the scope. There was a sudden shuffle of movement—she gasped and closed her eyes as Hange replaced the crystal with something else. Only upon hearing Hange's voice say, "Take another look," did she open her eyes again.
It looked like the same crystal. The same red, yellow, and blue lights were shining out at her. Frowning somewhat, she said, "It looks the same as before."
She was greeted with silence. Yavena sighed somewhat and retreated from the microscope, turning to Hange, whose face was stricken. "Hange?"
Hange reached out and gestured to what lay underneath the microscope.
It was a piece of the Wall; one that had fallen while the Female Titan had been attempting to scale it to escape.
Yavena blinked and stared at her friend, whose eyes were already locked upon her own. Swallowing hard, Yavena said, "Does this mean…?"
"I have no proof yet. But tell me, Yavena: did their compositions look the same to you?"
"They did, but… I'm no scientist, Hange. I'm not nearly smart enough to—"
"That doesn't matter," Hange interrupted briskly. She leaned over the desk, her dark bangs falling in front of her face, obscuring her eyes. "Anyone can see, at the least, that they look the same. And my studies have revealed that their basic compositions are similar, if not the exact same…"
While Yavena was nowhere near the caliber of Hange's intelligence, she prided herself smart enough to know what her friend was getting at. She crossed to the other side of the room, inspecting all of the papers. All of them were reports on Titan skin; none of them mentioned anything abnormal like the rock.
"Let me just make sure I have this right," said Yavena, her face downcast. "You're saying that the Walls… that they might be made of—"
"Hardened Titan skin," Hange interrupted. When she looked back up, Yavena noted there was an almost manic fascination, something that Hange only wore on the brink of an exciting discovery. "And we saw that Titan's face in the Wall—"
Yavena gasped sharply. "Which means all of the Walls might be concealing Titans within them? This whole time?"
There was a ringing in Yavena's ears as she processed this new possibility. While it was not irrefutable—at least, not yet—the fact of the matter was that it was likely the Titan's face in the Wall earlier had been no fluke. It wasn't a single circumstance that could be written off.
"This whole time, Titans might have been protecting us from Titans," Yavena murmured. Her knuckles were clasped tightly around the edges of the table, tightly enough that they were turning white. "I… I never thought…"
"None of us did. That's why it's so—so terrifying."
Yavena remembered what Hange had said when they were sitting atop the Wall together: I haven't felt this way since my first time outside the Walls… talk about terrifying.
It was obvious that Hange had been suspicious about the true nature of the Walls ever since she'd seen the Titan's exposed face. But now that the science was beginning to accumulate—
"Thanks for your help, Yavena," Hange said, breaking the tension. She walked over to Yavena and slapped a hand upon her back, which almost made Yavena stumble into the table. "I wouldn't have taken you away from Levi unless it was important."
"Hange, how many times do I have to tell you—"
"Yes, yes, you're taking your time," sighed Hange, rolling her eyes. "You've always got some brilliant excuse to push aside your feelings. And I'm not just talking about how you feel about Levi, either."
The words hit Yavena like a sucker-punch to the gut. They had been spoken rather bluntly, but not without concern: and she knew that Hange was right, too. She had never really processed the death of her friends in a healthy way, hadn't even started to do so. In her own defense, it was only three weeks since they had been killed, but even so…
"I—I'm all right, Hange," Yavena said. But it was without much conviction at all, a sentiment that both of them picked up on.
"You are now. How long until you're not?" said Hange, raising an eyebrow. "When I tell you to take care of yourself, Yavena, I mean emotionally as well. Don't forget that. And don't forget that I've known you for fifteen years. I can tell when you begin to sink under the weight of the things you carry."
Yavena sighed and rubbed her arm, feeling lightly put on the spot. She'd just lectured Jean earlier in the day about keeping calm and doing things that needed to be done. And that was fine, it worked for her, at least… but maybe it hadn't been the best advice.
She shook her head. She couldn't let herself be shaken by second thoughts and guesses. With a sigh, Yavena said, "I get it, Hange. You know, it's funny—back when we were in the Cadet Corps and during the first few years in the Scout Regiment, it felt like I was looking after you. But it's been very opposite the last number of years… you've been taking care of me."
Hange scoffed. "Pah. We've been taking care of each other the whole time. And hopefully we'll continue to do so, unless you refuse, which would mean I would need to put up a wanted poster for a new best friend."
Now Yavena laughed. She slugged Hange in the arm and exclaimed, "Fuck, no! You're stuck with me for life. Imagine letting fifteen years go down in flames like that. Ridiculous."
"Glad to see we're on the same page, then!" Hange retorted, returning the mild punch to Yavena's arm.
A smile had returned to each of their faces at this point, despite the grim surroundings and discovery that they'd just pieced together. Yavena did feel better with Hange around—Hange had been her first supporter, her greatest friend, for as long as she'd been alive.
"We should probably get some sleep," Hange said. She ruffled Yavena's hair, which made her splutter in indignation. "But do me a favor tonight, Yavena. Don't push aside your grief. Let yourself feel it for once. Everyone needs to break down every now and then."
A light scoff exited Yavena's mouth; her mind went to Levi, as it did so often nowadays even if she didn't want to admit it. "I don't know about everyone…"
"Yes, Yavena, everyone," Hange repeated. Her eyes had gone back to seriousness in no time at all. "Even Levi. We're all human."
Yavena bit the inside of her lip, wondering how Hange knew—
"He'll kill me for saying this, but I don't care. You should know; he's just as devastated as you are by the loss of Eld, Gunther, Petra, and Olou. And having you on death's door didn't help matters at all. Actually, I… I think that's what broke him the most: the fact that you were so close to lost, too."
It grew incredibly hard to swallow. Yavena could hardly imagine it: Captain Levi, out of all people. For some reason, she had always viewed him and Commander Erwin as untouchable… they were strong at all times because they had to be, for the soldiers that looked up to them.
That was what they wanted people to think. And Yavena had fallen right into that trap, in thinking that they were so above everything that they were unbothered by it all. Hadn't she just told Levi that his mask was an act to hide how much he cared? Of course they weren't impenetrable.
And then she remembered what she had said, what Levi had overheard, just a few days after it had all happened.
I made the wrong choice, Hange. I should've chosen to die instead. Yavena's mouth dropped open. That had been even worse than she'd imagined—if Hange was telling the truth, if what had happened had truly affected him so badly… no wonder the reaction had been so intense.
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. While she hadn't known the severity of what she'd said, she had already apologized for it. There was nothing more she could do: she'd promised Levi that she would live, that she would fight, so long as there was one of her friends beside her. And she had meant it.
Yavena smiled at Hange and said, "Thank you for telling me this. I won't repeat it, I promise."
A sigh of relief escaped Hange as she replied, "Thank goodness. He threatened to chuck all of my research notes into a bonfire if I ever told you."
Yavena laughed somewhat, figuring that was a very believable thing that he would do, if it were anyone else. But Hange's notes would be too important to burn, and she knew that Levi knew it.
"All right. I'm going to go to sleep," said Yavena. "And I'll do what you asked. That's a promise, too."
Some sort of reprieve spread across Hange's face. Smiling lightly, she said, "Good. Sleep well, Yavena. I'll see you in the morning."
With this note of dismissal, Yavena crossed the room and closed the door.
Now that she was ready to head to sleep, Yavena decided to return to the hallway in which Eren was resting. If she was going to be his 'bodyguard,' as Erwin had unofficially announced her as being, then she might as well get started and take her job as seriously as possible.
She chose one of the rooms on the opposite side of the hallway. It was as quaint and comfortable as Eren's room—she was relieved for it. Yavena would've hated to have a humongous room with weighted blankets and fluffy down-feather pillows… it just wasn't what she was used to. A room like this reminded her more of home.
Yavena shrugged off her gear, her trousers, and her jacket, taking the four names out of her pockets as she did so. She flopped onto the bed upon her stomach, her eyes trailing over each name.
Olou Bozad. Petra Rall. Gunther Schultz. Eld Jinn.
Sorrow infested her heart, but for some reason, Yavena couldn't bring herself to cry. There was something preventing her from doing so—some kind of emotional block. It simply felt as though she'd spent so much time mourning them in the first few days after she'd returned to safety that there were no more tears.
From somewhere far off in the capitol building, the faintest echoes of more music could be heard. If it hadn't been utterly quiet, she would've missed it.
Yavena found herself smiling—smiling, as she was supposed to be grieving—as she remembered what Levi had left open for her interpretation. I wouldn't speak too soon. And by that, I mean I've heard worse.
He'd been trying to be nice: she hadn't needed to inspect his face to know.
"Asshole," she muttered to herself, still grinning.
She began to hum the lullaby to herself again, hoping that her voice was half as good as her Aunt Dorothea's. Yavena wasn't a terrible singer or anything… she was no musician, that was for sure, but Yavena knew she could hold a pitch, and that she could repeat something she heard with little trouble. Not that she used her voice often at all, that was.
Aunt Dorothea sang that lullaby to her on nights where Yavena was feeling particularly worried about her parents. They had never spared the details on their missions—and as a young girl, those stories frightened her just as much as they intrigued her. She had seen her mother's missing leg, after all. She had seen the battle scars upon her father's face and neck. Those stories had been real, and that was why they were so horrifying.
It was that moment that Yavena really understood what an absolute pillar her Aunt had been for her. She continued humming, figuring that this could be some sort of tribute—
Yavena could not remember what her last words to Aunt Dorothea had been. She'd visited in Year 844, only a number of months before Shiganshina had fallen. But for the life of her, Yavena could not remember what they'd done during that visit, what they'd discussed…
She couldn't remember what her last words had been to her father, either. He had died while Yavena was still in the Cadet Corps. She hadn't spoken to him for over a year, because training took three years…
What had been her last words to Gunther? Or to Petra, or Eld?
She remembered what they'd been to Olou, at least.
One more pass, Olou. Together this time. I'm with you.
Yavena blinked, suddenly realizing that her voice had cracked, and she was no longer able to continue humming. As soon as this revelation had hit her, it was like the gates to her soul had opened—Yavena found herself clutching the four names to her chest, her face buried in the thick blankets of the bed as she wept.
These tears were for her family; her Aunt Dorothea, her mother Vanessa, her father Louis. They were for Paul and Elias. They were for her friends. Olou: Petra: Gunther: Eld.
Tonight, Yavena did not try to hold them back. For Hange—and more for that, for herself—she knew she had to feel it, to process it. To begin to let go.
Her chest hurt. It was like a twenty kilo weight had just settled atop her ribcage, precariously balancing all the while. Taking breaths was painful, but necessary. Her eyes were blotchy and bloodshot from how hard she had rubbed them, how many tears trailed down her cheeks.
Yavena did not know how much time had passed when the weight on her chest began to subside. It was a gradual process for certain; and yet, as the minutes ticked on, as she kept her eyes upon the four names in her hand, she felt a strange catharsis envelop her. It felt wrong, in a way… and yet relieving in another.
Finally, she was able to breathe. The darkness of the room swaddled her like a blanket; she was grateful for the privacy.
She closed her eyes, hoping that she might be able to sleep peacefully.
And she did—but she was woken up mid-morning by the sound of bells tolling. Yavena groaned and tried to roll over and ignore them, to go back to sleep—
Not even ten minutes later, the door slammed open, and a familiar voice was saying, "Oye, Yavena. Get up. Now."
Her eyes flew open; she gasped and huddled within her blankets, peeking at Levi from above her newly-formed blanket fort. "W-what, why? What is it?"
His silver eyes were dark as he looked at her. "Titans are inside Wall Rose."
Hey everyone, I just wanted to leave another note thanking you for all the support you've given the story! It's just great to know people are enjoying what I've created due to my absolute and immediate love for Attack on Titan :3 A HUGE thank you to my reviewers as well, as the comments are a steadfast way of letting me know you're still reading LOL!
Just a heads up, I'm going to slow down my updates three weeks from today. Today is April 26, 2021 which means that starting May 17, 2021 instead of updating twice a week, it'll be once a week (on Mondays!) because based on what I've got written already, I don't want to be releasing Season 4 Part 2 chapters with manga spoilers before the anime-only people have a chance to find out what happens :) Not to mention my writing pace has slowed down considerably and I really don't want to break off of this schedule on account of writer's block!
Feel free to let me know how you've been enjoying the story, or this chapter in particular. I always love hearing from you! :D