Report: Rumor dispelment

Written by: Tirpitz

Body: By request of the commander, this list will now be posted on the portal of the naval base. Reading this list is mandatory. (Is anyone willing to read this out loud for Purifier?)

The following are elucidations of certain rumors involving the commander. Rumors should remain as just that, rumors. Although professional enough to tolerate such allegations to his character, there is a limit. To whoever wrote that Azur lane; Commander X harem fanfiction and thought it would be funny to post the chapters on the naval base's network, we have you to thank for this. (Completely unrelated note, if you post your updates under the mechanical tab, he probably wouldn't notice. My own chapter is almost up, so please get to it!)

Every single shipgirl is to understand that these rumors are fake, and indeed, really, unquestionably, completely untrue. Without doubt. (The commander made me do this. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm referring to you, Roon.)

Missive:

1. The consistence and diameter of the Commander's "girth" is not to be compared or insinuated with a weapon of mass destruction, or anything else of that size. (Has no one confirmed this yet!? This is important, scheiße!)

2. The commander does not wrestle with enemy SIREN during his morning routine.

3. Stating that the commander has "conquered" any of the shipgirls or SIREN within the confines of his own room is still untrue. (He's still pure. Early birds eat the fattest worms!)

4. The commander might be the 'key' to the deity behind the SIREN in some unknown way, but that does not make him the answer to life and the universe. - Likewise, comparing the commander to god is also misguided.

5. That time when Albacore shot a piece of rubber in the cafeteria and it ricochet against the counter, Therefor dropping the counter shutters, before dropping the can of water, making Ayanami slip and hit her head against the chandelier handle, which in turn made the chandelier drop to the ground on all of us, was all one, big, accidental coincidence. It was by no means the Commander's universal karmic retribution on us because he's the answer to life and the universe, or because he's god. - For additional context, please refer to the previous point.

6. The commander does not have a magical 'make girls horny' device. Even if it would seem like a valid explanation for his popularity.

7. "Danger" or any variations thereof is not the commander's real surname. - This also includes labels such as "Commander badass," "Commander groovy," "Commander Commander," "Commander Master" or "Commander pest."

8. Shipgirls were created with the sole purpose to help out the previous war effort. They were not created by the world to satisfy the commander's sexual frustrations in an attempt to escape his terrorizing world-scale wrath.

9. The commander has proven to be capable in battle. That does not mean he can take on every shipgirl inside the base on his own, at the same time, and then some. - We likewise refer to this point when it comes to the commander's stamina to "pencil all of us in."

10. The commander does not have a harem. - Even if Queen Elizabeth says so. (Seems that he's a little dense, girls.)

11. The commander did not earn his position of admiral within 2 hours of applying to the navy by walking up to headquarters one day and challenging the Fleet admiral to a fist-fight to the death.

12. Likewise, the commander did not join the navy by accidently walking inside headquarters during a stroll, putting on a admiral cap, and instantly getting promoted.

13. The commander's body mass is not made out of 20 grams iron, 5 grams nickel, 20 kilo's of muscles, 10 kilo's of awesomeness, and 30 kilo's of "girth." (Swoooooon...)

14. Girls that have yet to fall in love with the commander are not by default spies from enemy factions attempting to assassinate him. - With exception to Graf Zeppelin.

15. Likewise to the previous point, female spies attempting to assassinate the commander will not immediately fall in love for him during their attempt, resulting in an addition to out fleet. - With exception to Empress III.

16. The commander's plan to defeat our enemies do not include any of the following;
-Aliens
-Karmic retribution
-God
-Space pirates
-Dropping the moon on the enemy
-Shooting nuclear bombs towards the sun to see what would happen
-Even if Purifier insists on it.
-Graf Zeppelin's tendency to destroy the world
-Subspace
-Space cannons
-"Huge F*ck off missiles"
-"Huge F*ck off" space cannons
-Just space in general
-The Avengers
-The Justice league
-Jedi mind tricks
-Nazi's (really now?)
-The catastrophic force distributed from Admiral Hipper's slap whenever she's embarrassed
-Chapayev's handcuff dealer
-Plot armour
-A top secret weapon send by the Illuminati to record the history of the world and take control of our minds
-Minions
-The power of friendship
-Even more Enterprise clones (Someone calm down Belfast, please.)
-Hyperspace ramming
-zombie nazi's (I can't...)
-Anything involving kitchen appliances (Looking at you, Roon.)
-That also includes Avrora's cooking
-Laffey dipping herself in nuclear waste to gain superpowers, no matter how much bigger her eye-laser beams will become.
-The giant slingshot that Graf Zeppelin is constructing outside our base for some reason
-The cool-aid man
-Tony the tiger
-Sylvester Cheeta
-C'ptain Iglo
-Pretty much all mascots that may have appeared on CCTV
-Piranha grenades
-Ultra hyper deluxe decisive EX alpha rarity shipgirls
-The commander's massive biceps

17. The commander does not take sexual bribes in exchange for one permitted warcrime.

18. The commander does not have special connections to the secret world government or the galactic empire.

19. The commander is not the leader of the secret world government or the galactic empire.

20. The commander is not the prince and future heir of the secret world government or the galactic empire.

21. There is no secret world government or galactic empire.

22. The commander does not own a monthly description to the suggestive female-targeted magazine big time men.

23. The commander has not appeared on the cover of the suggestive female-targeted magazine Big time men. - It was second page.

24. The commander does not order the Royal maids to wear chains around their neck. - With exception to Belfast, Sirius and Sheffield, but they just have bad fashion sense.

25. The Commander does not partake in secret marriages with any of the shipgirls in exchange for reaching the highest wordcount in his weekly missive. (Ha-ha, Akagi is still single!)

26. The Admiral's Elucidation report is 100% according to the truth and nothing but the truth.