I apologize for how long this took, writing this chapter genuinely broke my heart, but before you go ahead and read it, I have a few notes beforehand.
I debated for a while on whether or not I should have The Quarterback be its own chapter, but eventually decided to do it. Yes it may make this story have a few more chapters because of it, but Finn deserved that much. Although Quinn and Finn's friendship (or her friendship with anyone really) was not explored, especially after season 3, I like to think the two of them became close again, judging by their interactions during Thanksgiving. And he meant so much to Sam, so I decided to make a separate chapter so if anyone sheds a few tears during this chapter, they do not need to focus on the other contents of the chapter had I added more episodes. Feel all the feels people, God knows I sobbed multiple times while writing this.
Glee's tribute for Cory was so beautiful, and other than the fact that it is so painful to watch, it remains one of my favourite episodes. The only thing that hurt my heart more was knowing Dianna had not been invited for the episode. And because this story revolves heavily around Sam and Quinn, I had to make a few adjustments.
But I tried to keep most of the episode the same because it shows the grief of each and every character, even those I don't particularly like. And that grief is valid, and it is welcomed, and it should not be changed to fit the contents of my story.
On the show, the writers chose not to disclose how Finn passed and I have chosen to respect that decision. Because as Kurt mentions in the episode, how he died does not matter. That is why there are no specifications when Quinn gets the phone call (as you will come read) because what is important is who Finn was and how he was loved by so many, and that is what will be honoured in this rewrite.
I hope I haven't offended anyone by adding in a few moments and storylines into the episode, or opened up any wounds because I know a lot of us still mourn the death of Cory and now Naya.
And with that being said, here we go. Grab your tissues people because this is going to be an emotional one.
The Quarterback
It's been a long day so far. She forgot to set her alarm last night so she slept in this morning, making her late to her first class. Alex had forgotten about the pre-arranged study session and hadn't answered his phone for forty-five minutes before finally texting her that he completely forgot and that he was sorry, but he wouldn't be able to come because he needs to leave for work in ten minutes.
She's grouchy and tired and done with the day. All she wants to do is make a quick dinner, put on her pyjamas, and then curl up into bed and continue watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.
She pours some water into a pot because she can't be bothered to make anything else except for pasta right now. She's waiting for the water to boil when she gets a call from Kurt and she sighs. She really doesn't feel like having a gossiping session right now. Maybe she can tell him she just isn't up for it today and he'll understand.
"Hey Kurt I'm just making dinner right now." She starts off, trying to figure out what his mood is. If he's upset she guesses she can spare a few minutes to listen to him rant. She knows things have been really steady at Vogue lately.
"Where are you?" He asks, his voice raw like he's been crying for hours and she drops the box of pasta on the counter.
"At home, why?" She asks, growing concerned. He's never started off a call like that. Well, it's not really home, but she guesses he knows what he means.
"You should sit down." He tells her and her body tenses. This can't be good.
"What's going on?" She asks him terrified, trying to think of the worst possible scenario so she can prepare herself. Burt's cancer is back, something happened to Beth, Rachel bombed her Funny Girl callback. Maybe the third one is a little far fetched, but it wouldn't be the first time Rachel acted like the world was ending because she choked at an audition.
"Finn died last night." That was not at all what she was expecting. At first she doesn't think she hears him correctly, or it has to be some kind of joke. As sick of a joke as it would be, he can't be serious.
"No." Is all she says in response. It can't be possible, she spoke to Finn three days ago. He was fine, he was enjoying his classes. The two of them talked about meeting up for coffee or dinner when she was back in town. No, he's still here. He has to still be here.
She listens numbly as Kurt tells her all the details. About how his dad called him an hour after the police officer had called Carole. How he's flying to Lima with Santana tomorrow and if she doesn't feel like driving or taking a plane alone, she's free to join them. How since he's told Rachel, she hasn't been able to get out of bed.
"Quinn?" He asks, probably noticing she hasn't said anything in a couple of minutes. He waits for her to say something, but she doesn't. She's still in shock. "It's okay, I know it's a lot right now. But if you're hurting, we all are too. Don't feel like you're grieving alone. I love you Q." He tells her before hanging up the phone.
She slides down the counter and onto the floor, staring into the glass part of the oven. Finn is dead, Finn is dead, Finn is dead. Those three words are on constant repeat in her mind.
The water overboils, but she doesn't move. She hears it spill over and onto the stove, some of it beginning to drip down the oven and onto the floor, but she's still frozen.
"Quinn?" Her roommate Sarah asks, coming out of her room, probably hearing the commotion. "Quinn what the hell!" She shouts, noticing the water everywhere. She quickly runs to shut off the shove, cursing as some of the boiling water splashes onto her hand.
Sarah crouches in front of her, worry evident on her face. She lays a comforting hand on her arm. "Quinn, what's going on?"
She doesn't look up at her roommate, just continues to stare senselessly at the oven. "Finn is dead." She says with a monotone voice.
She knows Sarah isn't going to know who Finn is. She's met Kurt and Adam a handful of times, and every once a while Santana comes down and the three of them have a girls night. She's even met Rachel once, but she doesn't know about Finn.
She's always wanted to keep her Yale life and Lima life separate. She doesn't want anyone to know about Beth and the pink hair and temporary tattoos. About how her father left with a woman half his age so her mother began to replace him with booze. But it all seems so stupid now. Her roommate deserved to know who Finn was. Everyone deserved to know who Finn was. But now they'll never get the chance.
xxx
He doesn't think much of Burt being at his house once he arrives home after school. Sometimes Burt comes over when he finds one of Sam's things still at their house, or he comes to chat with his dad. His parents and Burt and Carole have become quite close, ever since his mom had them over for dinner to thank them for taking care of him while they were in Kentucky. But then he sees that his mom's eyes are red and puffy and he instantly knows this isn't just a quick visit.
"What's going on?" He asks immediately as the adults look between each other.
"Sam honey, come sit down." His mom instructs him, patting the spot on the couch beside her. He hesitates for a minute before doing what she says.
"Son, we have some hard news to share." His dad says from where he's standing beside his mother, Burt sitting in one of the armchairs. He doesn't want all this smalltalk, the beating around the bush, he wants someone to just tell him what the hell is going on.
"This isn't going to be easy to hear, but Finn, he died yesterday." Burt tells him, choking on the words. He lets the words sink in, but he can't wrap his head around it. Finn can't be dead, he's only nineteen. Nineteen-year-olds aren't supposed to die. He knows Finn had more plans, he wanted to travel, to get a teaching degree and make a difference, to finally marry Rachel.
He doesn't know what to say. His mother cries silently beside him, putting a hand on his leg to tell him that she's here, but all it does is make his skin feel like it's on fire.
He knows he's supposed to cry. He's supposed to scream or have some emotional outburst, but he feels like he isn't in control of his body. Like all this is happening right now and he's just standing in the corner watching, completely powerless.
"They'll probably tell you all at school tomorrow, but I wanted to come here and tell you first, before you find out from anyone else. I know Kurt is making a couple of calls to people, telling them himself, but I wanted you to hear it from me." Burt tells him.
"Why?" He asks. The way Burt looks at him indicates to him that Burt understands he's not asking why he came here, he's asking why. Why this happened, how this could have happened. How God could have let this happen, how he could have taken Finn from all of them.
"You know, I remember the night he sat me and Carole down and told us he wanted you to stay with all of us. At first I thought he was insane. There he was, asking me to take in some kid I had never met before, but I had never seen him so passionate about something. And I saw the kid play football, but how he had begged us to do this, he had put in so much effort into how it would work. How you would do chores to help around the house and how you were this great kid. He had even gotten Mr. Shue to email me as a reference so I knew that if I allowed this, it wouldn't be a mistake. And seeing him so devoted to this, it was a no brainer for me. Because if he was going to these lengths, then you had to have meant a lot to him." Burt says to him, his voice breaking. His throat feels tight as the tears roll down his cheeks. Finn meant a lot to him too, and he prays to God that he knew that.
"He said you were like a brother to him. He asked us to look over you after he left for the Army. He was afraid that you were going to feel like you had nowhere to go if he left, like he had abandoned you or something. And I want you to know that Sam. He loved you."
"I loved him too." He tells Burt, not knowing what else to say. What else are you supposed to say to something like this?
xxx
She emails all of her professors that one of her close friends has died and they offer her extensions on her assignments and papers which she is grateful for. Alex is in most of her classes so he promises to give her all notes that she misses, and she's co-ordinated with another girl that's in a class he's not in. Sarah helps her pack anything that she might need, which isn't much because she knows she has a black dress in her closet at home that she wore to her grandmother's funeral a couple of years ago. It's just stuff like makeup that she really needs to bring, which Sarah packs for her because she hasn't been able to get her hands to stop shaking.
Sarah also drives her to New York since she knows she sure as hell can't drive about ten hours to Lima by herself, and she doesn't exactly feel like taking a plane ride alone either. They don't talk the entire ride there, which is what she wants and she thinks Sarah knows that, which is why she doesn't try to strike up a conversation. She thanks Sarah once they pull up to Kurt's apartment building. She waits for Sarah to drive off, and then stares at the building for an extra ten or so minutes, just standing there on the edge of the sidewalk because she thinks if she stays standing there forever none of this will really be happening.
But eventually she heads in because getting pregnant in your sophomore year means you have to grow up early so she stopped believing in fantasies a long time ago. She breaks down in Santana's arms once Santana opens the door, and her best friend steers her as far away from Rachel's room as she can so she can properly console her.
"How is she?" She asks Santana once she's calmed down, nodding towards Rachel's room. Santana just shakes her head.
"She won't get out of bed." Kurt answers from behind her, and she turns around to see him and Adam standing by the door with everyone's bags. She begins crying again and runs a few steps to hug Kurt, telling him how sorry she is.
"I'm sorry too, he was everyone's family." He whispers back to her, but she still feels some wetness on her shoulder.
"Hi Adam." She says once she breaks apart from Kurt, moving over to give him a hug. "Are you coming as well?" She asks.
He nods. "Just for the funeral, and then I'm gonna come back and watch over Rachel."
They take a cab to the airport and it's mostly silent the entire ride there. Their cab driver had asked them where they were heading and Kurt had told him Lima, Ohio. The driver had then asked them what was in Lima, Ohio in a weirded out voice, and Kurt had told him a funeral for his brother and that was the end of that.
She sits next to Santana on the plane, and sleeps with her head on her shoulder the entire time because being awake just makes her too sad. Burt and Carole pick them all up from the airport and she tries not to cry as soon as she sees them because Carole looks like she has finally stopped. She still tells them how sorry she is, her voice wet and heavy, and Carole gives her a tearful smile. They drop her off first, and the idea of being alone until the funeral makes her feel even worse, so she looks to Santana and asks her if she feels like having a sleepover.
Santana gives her a watery laugh and nods, grabbing both of their bags from the trunk before following her to her front door. She unlocks the door and finds her mother sitting on the couch, computer in her lap and a glass of water beside her instead of her usual bottle of wine.
"Mom?" She asks confused, confused as to why her mother is at home instead of at work. And why she's not drinking since she's home. Her moms not an alcoholic, but she does need a few drinks to get her through the night. She doesn't blame her, if she went through everything her mother went through she probably would too.
"Oh Quinnie." Her mom says as soon as she sees her and Santana. She closes her laptop and walks up to the both of them, giving them each a hug. "Hi Santana." She says once she hugs Santana. Santana just smiles at her. "I'm so sorry girls. Finn was a wonderful boy."
"What are you doing home?" She asks, dismissing everything her mother just said, but Judy doesn't seem to mind.
"I didn't know what time your flight was, so I took the day off. I wanted to be here when you got home." Her mother tells her, grabbing her hands. She's a little shocked. Her mom is a good mom, and she knows her mom tries her best, but she knows her mom is also trying her best to slay her own demons. "I took off the day of the funeral too." Her mom tells her and she finds herself sighing in relief. "You girls go upstairs and settle in, I'll start dinner." Her mom tells them, shooing them off and she feels like she's in high school all over again.
She takes their bags from Santana and shoves them in the corner of her room. When she turns around she finds Santana staring at pictures she has in frames, the section she knows are mostly of Finn.
"I can't believe he's gone." Santana whispers to her as she feels her stand beside her. She can't believe it either, it seems like just yesterday when she was in sophomore year kissing Finn on the football field.
She stares at the pictures with Santana. Some of them are just solely of them. She's kind of turned her room into a museum of her friends since she doesn't have much else for it when she's home other than to just sleep in. So scattered across her room wherever she can find space are pictures she's taken.
They continue to stare at the pictures until her mother calls them down for dinner. Dinner is quiet, other than her mom telling them about things they have missed and that have changed because she can tell neither of them really feel like talking. But then she stops herself because she realizes the one thing she hasn't included was Finn.
xxx
She has no idea how Carole and Burt managed to plan a funeral within a week of Finn's passing, but she guesses that's all you can really do. The two days before the funeral fly by and Santana stays over every day and sleeps in her bed with her every night. It's nothing like the wedding where the two of them had done nothing close to sleeping in that hotel room, this is more of a comfort thing. So neither of them have to go through this alone.
They cry every night while sharing their favourite memories of Finn and during the day they sit on her floor and go through her boxes of things she has saved from her relationship with Finn that she has shoved to the back of her closet. There was a time where she thought about throwing it all out, she's so glad she didn't now.
They never leave her house. The idea that everyone else is grieving the same loss is too much right now, so they stay upstairs in her bedroom and try to relive their youth when Finn was still here.
Santana helps her get ready the morning of the funeral because she woke up sobbing. Santana always had been better at managing her emotions than she has. Santana curls her hair for her and neither of them decide to wear any makeup since they both know they're going to end up crying it all off anyway.
Her mother drives them and goes to comfort Carole as soon as they arrive at the Church. Kurt and Adam are waiting at the front with the rest of the alumni plus Tina, Blaine, Brittany, and Sam. Usually she feels giddy and excited whenever she sees Sam, today doesn't feel the same.
It seems like the entire town has come. Lima isn't very big, and the Hudson-Hummels are well known around town, a respected family so it makes sense to see so many people.
They all sit in the row behind Kurt, Adam, Burt, and Carole. She sits between Mike and Santana. She listens to the clergy introduce them all and for a while she's able to keep herself from crying, until the speeches.
Burt goes first, talking about how he never saw Finn as a step-son, but as his own son. He talked about Finn's love of sports and the traditions the two of them had. Who Finn was as a person, and she finds herself taking a kleenex from Santana who is using another one for herself. Puck goes next, telling everyone about how the two of them grew up together. How he had Finn hadn't really had father figures in their lives growing up, and it was something they talked about together so they always knew they weren't alone. That even if Finn is gone, that special bond that they shared will never go away. Then to her surprise, Sam stands up once Puck finishes his speech. He tells them all how when Burt had asked him to prepare a speech, he had no idea what to write about. How there was so much to say that he didn't even know where to start. And that sums up who Finn was. There was so much good in him that it couldn't even be summarized into one speech. He had also brought up how he had Finn had their differences, looking at her causing her to laugh quietly. That was her, breaking up Finn's friendships since the first day of highschool. But as soon as Finn had heard about his struggles, any problems the two of them had were gone and Finn had done whatever he could to help him out, even after he had moved to Kentucky.
She cries the rest of his speech, along with everyone else. Kurt finishes the speeches off, telling everyone about who Finn really was. His goals, his passions, his dreams. The fond memories people had of him. She hears Carole begin to sob and her heart aches for her. She is devastated over Finn's death, but she cannot imagine how his mother feels.
The clergy concludes the service and tells everyone that the interment will follow immediately after. She watches everyone get up, but she can't move. She stays in her seat and looks at where the casket was before it was carried out. Maybe if she closes her eyes, she'll wake up and none of this will be real. Maybe if she stays right where she is none of this will be happening. She thinks about Finn, their time together, chuckling at how it all ended, each time a complete disaster. The first time her getting pregnant with his best friend- wait, did she ever apologize for that? She can't remember. What if Finn still hated her for cheating on him and was waiting for her to apologize and she never did. What if he died having that resentment towards her? She was his first love, and she broke him in the worst way possible. How can you ever forgive someone like that? She can faintly hear Santana calling her name from the entrance of the church but she can't move.
Her hands have started to shake uncontrollably and she feels like she isn't breathing. Is she breathing? To make sure she gasps for breath, but it doesn't help. Now her ears are ringing, and Santana's shouts for her to get up sound so muffled.
She hears Santana shout for someone and then they're running down the aisle to her. "I told Kurt to stall until we get to the gravesite, I think she's having a panic attack." Santana says to the person she called and she wants to look over to see who it is, but she can't move. Although she does have a good idea.
"Hey Quinn, can you look at me?" She hears Sam say as he crouches down next to her. She thinks she shakes her head. She gasps out that he hated her, that she knows he never forgave her for what she did to him, that she knows it because she never forgave her for what she did to him, but none of it comes out in proper sentences.
"What the hell is she saying?" Santana asks Sam, but he doesn't answer her. Instead, he pushes her legs to turn her body to face him.
"Hey, do you remember when we counted together that day in the locker room? Let's count down from ten Quinn." He begins to count, but quickly notices that she's not counting down with him.
"Fuck, I don't know what else to do." He tells Santana who just pulls out her phone.
"There's like this five touch thing on Google, holding your breath, the counting down thing, askin-"
He kisses her. She sits there frozen with her eyes wide open for a few seconds before melting into the kiss. He cups her cheeks and she can feel him wipe away at her stray tears as their lips move together.
They break away and she finds herself breathing normally. His palms are still on her cheeks and she blinks at him. "Holding your breath." He says in a whisper, just loud enough for Santana to hear as well.
She finds herself leaning forward again, thinking he kissed her because this was his way of telling her that he still has feelings for her. That he wants the two of them to get back together because both of them have realized that life is too short, but then he moves away.
"I'll go tell Kurt you guys are on your way." He tells Santana, leaving here sitting there shocked and confused at what just happened. And then she realizes the kiss didn't mean anything to him.
Santana gives her a pity look and grabs her hand. "Come on Q."
She stands as far away from Sam as she can even though all the glee kids stand in a little group. Santana on one side of her and Mike on the other. She leans into Mike who wraps an arm around her and cries into his chest as they lower the casket into the ground. Mourning the death of two loves that have died today.
xxx
They all head to the Hudson-Hummel house afterwards. The glee kids, alumni and new all piling into the living room as all and any adults migrate into the kitchen. Her mother is also here, but she knows if she and Santana plan to stay late they can just find a ride from someone else.
She sits back and observes everything as people share happy memories of Finn not that the heavy atmosphere of the funeral has gone. Artie is dating Kitty, which had taken her completely by surprise. She laughs quietly at how Blaine looks like a sad puppy looking at Kurt and Adam. She also takes side glances to Sam who is sitting between Puck and Blaine, staring at the floor.
Everyone seems to be tucked into someone, finding comfort in sharing their grief. Mike and Tina are curled into the corner of the couch. Santana and Brittany are cuddling together on the floor right underneath here where she is sitting on the end of one of the couches. Kitty has her head tucked into the crook of Artie's neck. Puck's brother and Marley are sitting on one of the armchairs, her crying softly while listening to all of their memories. She remembers Finn telling her that Marley was his favourite.
They talk for hours and eventually she falls asleep on the couch.
xxx
She wakes up the next morning with a blanket covering her and a pillow tucked under her head.
She forgets where she is for a second before realizing as soon as yesterday's events sink in. She sits up slowly on the couch and rubs her eyes. Santana and Brittany are sleeping on the floor below her.
Most of the new kids are gone. She remembers Artie leaving with Kitty and Unique and Blaine driving himself home before she fell asleep. She assumes Marley, Jake, and Ryder left together after that.
She gets up from the couch and tries not to step on a sleeping Mike and Tina that are dangling off the other couch as she heads towards the kitchen. There she finds Adam, Kurt, and Sam sitting at the island.
Sam is eating a bowl of cereal and Adam and Kurt are drinking coffee. She grabs a mug from the cupboard, still remembering where everything is from the amount of time she's spent here due to dating Finn and being Kurt's best friend.
She walks to the coffee machine and faintly hears Kurt tell Adam he needs help with something in the other room. She can only assume Santana told Kurt all about how she had completely embarrassed herself yesterday.
She doesn't sit next to him, instead she leans against the counter beside the coffee machine and steals secret glances at him from across the kitchen. He's taken off his tie and white button up shirt, leaving him in a white undershirt and his black dress pants.
"Q, about yesterday," he starts and she chokes on her coffee, not expecting him to say anything.
She shakes her head and he stops himself, looking a little guilty. "Just don't Sam. It's fine, I get it."
"It just wasn't a good time Quinn, we were at a funeral-" She makes a pained noise because she doesn't want to hear anymore. She doesn't want to hear his reasoning. She heard all about the nurse he's with, she's an idiot for thinking that him kissing her was for any other purpose than just to stop her panic attack.
He stops himself again, and she can read the look on his face. She knows he wants to explain himself, that he hates hurting her, but she can't do this again. She doesn't have enough energy for the heartache again. She spills the rest of her coffee in the sink and walks out of the kitchen, waiting until he can't see her to wipe away her tears.
xxx
Mr. Shue had planned a special week-long memorial for them, their own little family. Adam heads back the day after the funeral so someone is there to watch over Rachel who hasn't been able to get out of bed. She had texted Rachel to tell her that if she needs anything she's here, but she can't imagine how Rachel feels. She can't imagine the shattering pain of losing the love of your life.
They spend the night at Santana's because she's the only one with a car between the two of them. She wears a yellow sundress because all of the darkness she's seen lately is beginning to make her nauseous.
Neither of them say anything once they get to the choir room. They both sit in the back after hugging Mr. Shue and saying their hellos. As soon as everyone gets here Mr. Shue writes Finn on the board and she has to swallow the lump in her throat.
"I'm really glad so many of you could make it back for this." He tells them as she leans her head onto Santana's shoulder.
"We wouldn't miss it for anything, Mr. Shue." Mike says for all of them.
"The funeral was for everyone, but I wanted to do something just for us. To memorialize him the only way we know how, by singing. All week long. Anyone who wants to can come up and sing. Maybe a song he sung, maybe something that reminds you of him-"
"Singing isn't going to bring him back." Puck interrupts.
"No, it's not. Nothing is. Not ever. But, for two minutes or so, we can all maybe remember the best parts of him. So, think of what you want to sing, if you want to sing, and we'll start tomorrow."
"Oh, I-I can't wait until tomorrow, Mr. Shue." Mercedes says, getting up to stand at the front. "I've been bawling for weeks. If I don't get this all out now, I don't think I'll ever stop crying."
"Sure, Mercedes, start us off." Mr. Shue tells her, sitting down.
"I, uh, remember Finn telling me that he sang this song to his baby's sonogram. Well, he thought it was his baby." Mercedes tells them and she smiles faintly. That huge scandal seems like forever ago, a completely different lifetime.
"He was the first cool kid to be nice to any of us, and he was..our leader in here. We love you, Finn."
She recognizes the song as soon as she hears it. She remembers I'll Stand By You being one of Finn's favourites, and before she can stop herself the tears are streaming down her face.
Santana grabs her hand while the rest of them sing along with Mercedes.
xxx
She spends the entire week at Santana's house now that her mom has gone back to work. They continue the same tradition as they did when they were sleeping at her house, sharing memories and crying until they can fall asleep.
That's the only time they talk about him, talking about him during the day is way too hard, and she's sure if she does she'll start crying and she's not sure she'll ever stop.
Her and Santana arrange to sing songs on the same day, but they don't discuss which songs they plan to sing. Other than that they talk about school and her relationship with Dani who is also still in New York picking up extra shifts at the diner Kurt, Rachel, and Santana all work at since they have all taken time off.
They blast the radio in Santana's car and sing along to the songs they know to feel more lighthearted because they know all they're going to feel is grief once they enter the choir room. But at least they have each other.
xxx
They're in the auditorium in the morning. She sits between Santana and Tina on a bench as Sam and Artie sing Fire and Rain. She doesn't miss how Sam is unable to look at anyone as his eyes shine with tears while he looks down at the floor.
Santana immediately stands and gets up, walking out of the auditorium. She debates following her, but then decides against it. Santana has never really been able to handle heavy emotions with other people.
She meets Santana at her car for lunch, and flinches as Santana storms out of the school and towards the car. "I can't believe her!" Santana shouts as she slams the door. "You know she's taking down Finn's memorial? That self-centered bitch!"
"Is she allowed?" She asks quietly, knowing to not piss Santana off more. She has a feeling who Santana's talking about, she's heard all about how Sue has become principal.
"Some stupid fire marshal called her. I think I'm gonna give him a call and tell him to go fuck himself." She says with gritted teeth. "Whatever, let's go get something to eat. I'm starving." Santana tells her well pulling out of the parking lot.
xxx
She stands in front of everyone, her hands shaking. Although she begins to think that it might be normal now, she hasn't been able to get them to stop shaking since Kurt called her to tell her the news.
"There was a time I thought I was going to marry Finn." She shares, starting off her tribute. "Before I got pregnant with his best friend's baby." She jokes, getting a few sad laughs. "But I wasn't his soulmate, and he wasn't mine." She says, her eyes quickly flashing to Sam who is looking down at the floor, his jaw clenched. She knows why he's doing it, he does it whenever he feels powerless. He's trying his hardest to keep his tears at bay, and she would give anything to just be able to take him in her arms and take away his sorrow, but she can't. All she can do is find peace in knowing he shares the same grief as so many of them in this room.
"But Finn will always remain my first love, and that is something I know can never die, so I will hold onto that now that he's gone." She says, her voice cracking so she takes a shaky breath to keep herself from crying. "Finn will always hold a special place in my heart. So Finn, this one's for you." She says, blowing her bangs out of her eyes to keep herself from shedding any tears.
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh-huh, that's right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever and ever
Who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh, no
No, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew?
Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?
Who knew?
They clap once she finishes, and she goes to sit next to Kurt and clings herself to him for comfort as Santana takes her place at the front.
"Okay, I know that Finn had his doubts about God, but I am convinced that Squishyteets is up in Heaven right now, plopped down next to his new best friend Fat Elvis, helping themselves to a picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butterscotch pudding and tater tot grease, so, this is for you, Hudson."
She stares at Santana oddly, but can't help but smile because her tribute is so Santana. She has her head tucked into Kurt's shoulder so she hears Santana's sobs. She immediately lifts her head and stands as Santana starts screaming and shaking her head.
Mike and Mr. Shue go to comfort her but she begins to scream 'no' and runs out of the choir room. She goes to follow her, but Kurt grabs her arm. "I got her." He tells her, following Santana out of the room.
xxx
She doesn't question Santana once they get back to her house, knowing if she wants to tell her about it, she will. And eventually she does. Once they're changed into their pyjamas and laying in Santana's bed, Santana brings it up.
"I had this whole speech planned. A nice one." Santana says as they both look up at her ceiling. "I was so mean to him and he was always so kind to me."
"He outed you." She points out, to help lessen some of Santana's guilt.
"I know, but still. I shouldn't have made so much fun of his body, I knew he was insecure about it." Santana tells her, sniffling slightly.
"You made fun of my body even though you knew I was insecure about it." She says back and Santana elbows her.
"Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better?" Santana asks her and she rolls her eyes. It is true, she spent countless periods crying in the bathroom because Santana had asked her when the next baby's due date was.
"Maybe this is your sign to stop being a bitch." She suggests and Santana scoffs.
"Well it's a fucked up sign if that's true." Santana says, and she doesn't have anything to say back because it's true. "Plus I can't, it's in my bones to insult people. If I stop I'll go through like withdrawl or something."
She laughs, but Santana doesn't join her. "Do you think he hated me for all those things I said to him?"
"No, he loved you." She tells Santana, and she knows it's true. Finn was a sensitive guy, and Santana was his first, she knows that meant something special to him, even if Santana is a lesbian now.
"But I said some pretty terrible things to him Q." Santana argues, and she can't exactly deny that.
"I got pregnant with his best friend's child while I was dating him." She says. It's quiet for a minute, and then Santana bursts out laughing. She smacks Santana's arm, but then can't help herself and follows shortly after.
xxx
Santana lets her wear Finn's jacket in the car the next day while they drive to school. It takes her back to sophomore year while the two of them were dating. She had her own cheerios winter coat, but there was just something about wearing your boyfriend's varsity jacket that made her feel special. When she closes her eyes it almost feels the same, almost.
Santana takes it back while she goes for a nap in the nurse's office because she has a headache.
So she heads to the choir room without her and sits next to Tina while Puck sings No Surrender to Finn's empty chair. She feels a little guilty for being a road bump in their friendship.
They all stand up to hug Puck, knowing he's been struggling the most to accept Finn's passing, besides Rachel. She jumps when Santana storms into the choir room yelling "where is it, Puckerman?"
"It's just a tree. I told Beiste I'd put it back." She shoots her eyebrows up in shock, that's who stole the tree Kurt bought?
"No, not the tree. Finn's jacket. I went for a lie-down in the nurse's office, hung it up on the coat rack by her door, and when I woke up from my grief siesta, it was gone. I know you took it. We all know you took it." She snaps at him.
"I didn't take a jacket." He defends himself, and for some reason she kind of believes him. But if not Puck then who?
"If we were rounding up the usual suspects, that would pretty much be you." Artie accuses.
"I didn't take the jacket!" Puck shouts and she flinches.
"Enough! Please! No fighting this week." Mr. Shue tells them. Santana raises her finger to say something to Puck again, but she pulls her away.
"Come on." She says, dragging her out of the room.
"I have to go apologize to Sue." Santana tells her, shaking her hand off and walks down the hallway towards the principal's office.
xxx
She knew Rachel wanted to fly in for the last day. Kurt had asked her if she wanted to go with him to pick her up from the airport, but she had declined. She knows seeing Rachel would just break her heart.
So she hangs out with Mercedes and asks her how her music has been going while they wait for everyone else to return to the choir room. She knows the glee kids have gone to place some drumsticks by Finn's memorial, a little moment just for all of them to share.
She had placed a photo of the two of them when they had first started dating and a pair of mini pom poms that he had bought for her after their first game together as quarterback and head cheerleader.
She runs to Rachel and hugs her as soon as Kurt brings her in the room. Rachel hugs her back tightly, which tells her everything that she needs to know. That Rachel is thankful she's here, thankful she knows the feeling of the unique pain the two of them share. Losing someone is hard, but losing someone you loved, whether it be a first love or your soulmate, it's a different kind of pain. She knows Rachel is probably hurting a lot more than she is, but she wants Rachel to know that she isn't alone.
She goes and sits next to Mercedes while everyone comes back to the choir room and Rachel goes to stand at the front.
"Nobody treat me with kid gloves, okay? I don't know what to say either." Rachel says as soon as everyone settles in. "I loved Finn, and..he loved me, and he loved all of you guys. I know he did. I like to sing in the car and, uhm..and before Finn, I used to sing alone..and this was the first song that I..sang with him when we would..drive around together, so, this is for him."
She's already started crying, and Mercedes must notice because she grabs her hand tightly, she looks and sees that Mercedes is crying too.
She hears a quiet sob from behind her while Rachel is singing and whips her head around because she knows it's either Santana or Sam. Sam has his head tucked into Santana's shoulder who has her arms wrapped around him. Santana just nods to her to tell her that it's okay, she's got him, and she turns back around.
She grips Mercedes' hand harder as the two of them cry not so silently together, along with everyone else in the room. No one claps after Rachel finishes, and she bows her head and cries once she's done.
She looks around to see everyone else still crying and holding each other, so she walks up to Rachel and hugs her again until she can calm down, and then takes her hand and leads her next to the empty seat beside her. Hoping she will get the message that even if she doesn't have Finn by her side anymore, she will always have her.
xxx
They all spend their last night at the Hudson-Hummels, sitting together, reminiscing and remembering before they have to go back to their individual normals.
She doesn't hold back on her feelings tonight, knowing it will probably be the last time she can really allow herself to mourn for a while without the distraction of school and work.
She heads to the kitchen to grab herself a glass of water while everyone else is still laughing in the living room while Kurt tells them a story about the first time he convinced Finn to do a face mask with him.
"Quinn?" Carole asks her and she turns around to face her. She's holding the picture frame she had given Finn during graduation. "I have so many photos of the two of you, so I thought that maybe you would want it back."
She takes the frame from Carole who then leaves the kitchen. She takes the picture out of the frame and stares at it for what feels like hours. She goes to put the picture back in the frame, but then notices that Finn has written something on the back.
Quinn Fabray, first love; close friend.
He forgave her. She breaks down staring at those six words over and over again. Someone must have heard her sobbing from the living room because they enter the kitchen. She instantly knows it's Sam, he always seems to come running every time she's hurting.
"It's okay." He whispers into her hair as he wraps his arms around her. "I miss him too." She feels his tears on the top of her hair. One hand is in her hair and the other is rubbing soothing circles on her back. "It's going to be okay."
But how? She wants to ask him. How can things ever be okay again? How can they all go on to live their lives without Finn in it?
But she doesn't because she knows he's not going to have any answers. No one does.
xxx
She's been having dinner with her mom throughout the week so she doesn't feel that guilty about not seeing her before she leaves, promising she'll be back soon hopefully. Although she's not sure when, all Lima represents to her now is pain. Burt and Carole drive them to the airport and they hug all four of them. Kurt promises he'll be back soon, but the rest of them stay silent because they're not so sure.
She sits next to Santana on the plane in the row behind Rachel and Kurt.
"Ready for the rest of our lives?" Santana asks her, and she can hear the words she didn't say: without Finn?
"No, but we have too." She says, giving her a small smile. "For him."
Santana grabs her hand. "For Finn."