Fighting Destiny 12

Chapter 25 Bye Bye Baby

"

Jax held Baby Nate while he and Tara shared their favorite memories of their precious son. He may have only lived for three months, but he left them with many happy memories.

"Are we still going to Louisiana?" Tara asked tentatively. She was terrified Jax would change his mind about leaving.

"I don't see any reason to change our plans. We're going to need a fresh start."

Tara relaxed. All she wanted to do was get out of this nightmare of a town and never set foot in it again.

"I agree. I can hardly wait to leave, but I can't leave Baby Nate here. I want him with us."

Jax's mind took a dark twist imagining Baby Nate mummified. Could Tara be losing her mind?

"What do you mean?" Jax asked carefully.

"I don't want him buried here. We can have him cremated and bring his ashes with us."

"When we started getting serious about moving, it was a big deal for me to give up being able to go to my father's grave whenever I wanted. It always gave me comfort. I like the idea of having him cremated, so he'll always be with us."

"I don't want to have any kind of service for him. I just can't stand the idea of planning it and having to talk to people. All the important people in our lives know what happened except we have to tell Abel."

"Makes sense since we're not going to have a burial. Should we bring Abel here and let him say good-bye?" Jax had no idea the best way for Abel to say good-bye. As a doctor, Tara might have some experience with this.

"I think he's just too young to understand why Baby Nate can't go home with us. If we bring him here with the machines hooked up to Baby Nate, it will freak him out. If we have the machines removed, Abel will just think Baby Nate is sleeping and he won't understand that he's dead and not just sleeping."

"Why don't we go to the cabin for a few days and tell Abel there."

"I like that idea. Margaret is putting me out on bereavement and sick leave for the rest of my time at the hospital, so there's nothing keeping me here."

"Clay won't have a problem with me being gone either."

"I just want to get out of town before something else happens," Tara said.

"It's so strange how fast life can go to hell," Jax said as he looked into Baby Nate's face.

"I keep thinking of all the firsts we'll never have with him—first Christmas, his birthday, his first day at school."

"First arrest," Jax added, a ghost of a smile lifting his lips.

Tara looked at Jax and realized that he was joking. She smiled suddenly seeing the dark humor in his comment.

"The bright side. We'll never have to worry about that," Tara said. She grew serious. "What do you think he would have been when he grew up?" she asked wistfully.

"Whatever he wanted. I always thought I picked being in the MC, but I was born into it. It was all I ever knew. When JT died, the pressure to join the MC grew. Gemma started talking to me about my birthright and how I was going to grow up to be the president of the MC. She sees the MC as some kind of dynasty and she's the matriarch. It's crazy. It's just an MC."

"Being the wife of SAMCRO's president makes Gemma feel important. She needs that. I don't know what she's going to do when Clay steps down," Tara said.

Tara wasn't feeling charitable towards Gemma. She took some satisfaction at the thought of Gemma being reduced in social standing when Clay was forced to step down because the arthritis in his hands prevented him from riding.

She would love to see it, but she didn't want to see it bad enough to remain in Charming. Besides, if she were in Charming to see Clay step down, it would mean that Jax was going to be president.

A nurse poked her head in the door.

"Would you like a couple of cots?" she asked. Tara was popular with the nursing staff because she didn't have the arrogant attitude of a lot of surgeons. She always let the nursing staff know how much she appreciated their work.

"That would be great," Tara said. "In a few minutes, I think we're going to go to the cafeteria before it closes."

"We'll set them up while you're gone."

"Thank you."

"I'm so sorry about your baby."

"I never thought I'd be in this situation, but you just never know," Tara said.

"Such a sweet little baby," she said.

"He takes after his mother," Jax said.

The nurse gave Jax a sad smile.

The nurse left to go make arrangements for two cots to be brought in.

Tara always told the parents of the infants she treated that they needed to take care of themselves. It was especially important when they had other children.

"We need to try to eat something," Tara said. "I haven't eaten all day."

Tara put the bed's rails up. It was procedure but it wouldn't matter to Baby Nate. He wasn't going anywhere. She and Jax walked hand in hand to the cafeteria and got hamburgers, fries, Cokes and several chocolate chip cookies.

Tara picked at her food, her stomach twisted in knots of stress and misery. Jax was skilled at compartmentalizing his life. It was one of the few useful skills he'd learned from his life in the MC. He focused on eating and tried not to think about his dying son. He even finished Tara's fries for her while she ate a chocolate chip cookie.

"I've been thinking about what we should do," Jax said. It was less painful talking about a future without Baby Nate in the brightly lit cafeteria than in his hospital room.

"I want to stay in his room with him tonight. In the morning, I think I'll be ready to take him off life support," Jax said.

He thought again about how Gemma said taking Baby Nate off life support was the same as killing him. White hot anger flowed through him as he thought of her callous thoughtless words. It was typical Gemma. She never thought about how her words could hurt the person hearing them. She didn't really care either.

He couldn't see any good in letting machines keep Baby Nate alive until his body gave up and the machines could no longer keep him alive. It was postponing the inevitable.

"OK. We can take turns holding him tonight. We gave him a really good life. It wasn't long, but he was happy," Tara said.

"He was the happiest baby. Maybe he was just too good for this world," Jax said. "After . . ." Jax broke off hit by what he was saying "it's over, why don't you go home and pack for the cabin. I'm sure Donna won't mind keeping Abel for . . ."

Jax broke off as Tara's text message tone.

Tara looked at her text message.

"It's from Donna. She just said that she hasn't told Abel anything about Baby Nate. She is having a movie, popcorn and pizza night with the kids and wants him to have a good time."

"I'm glad Opie and Donna took Abel for the night."

Tara nodded and typed back what they were planning for the morning with Baby Nate and Abel. Donna said that whatever she and Jax needed, they could rely on her and Opie.

"I don't know what we would do without Opie and Donna. I'm so glad they are making the move with us."

"Donna's been pretty soured on the MC after Opie got out of prison," Jax said.

"She's afraid he's going to end up back inside."

"With Clay getting the MC into more and more risky deals, it's only a matter of time. Two more deals one in a few days from now and another the day after that and that will be it."

Tara didn't want to tell Jax how scared she was that something would go wrong. Every time he went out with the MC, it was hell wondering if he would end up shot, dead or arrested. It was a terrible way to live.

She could never understand how Gemma could have wanted the MC life for her son. It was all about making Gemma feel powerful and her way was connected to the MC. It suddenly occurred to her that maybe that was why Gemma hated her. Gemma's need for power extended to her son. At least that battle was over and she had won. She and Jax were leaving town and leaving that bitch behind.

They returned to Baby Nate's room. Jax hoped for a brief moment that a miracle might have happened and Baby Nate would be awake, moving around and fussing because he was scared because he was alone and in a scary place.

The two cots had been brought in and covered with sheets with a lightweight blanket folded at the bottom on each one.

Tara went outside and thanked the nursing staff. Most of them had tears in their eyes as she told them that they were going to discontinue life support in the morning.

That night, they took turns holding Baby Nate and sleeping in one of the cots. It didn't feel right to leave Baby Nate alone while he was still alive even though he would not know if they were with him or not.

The next morning, they formally removed Baby Nate from life support. Tara gently went through the process. She insisted that she wanted to do this for her son. When he was last free from the machines that were maintaining his life, she swaddled him in a white blanket and handed him to Jax.

"He looks so peaceful," Jax said.

"He'll just drift off in a few minutes and that will be it," Tara said. She was trying to keep her voice calm, but her eyes were filled with tears. It was one thing to talk about Baby Nate dying, it was another to actually watch over him as that happened.

Jax bent down and kissed his son's cheek.

"I'm so glad you were in our lives even if it was only a short time," Jax said his voice choked with emotion, tears falling down his face.

Tara took him from Jax and sat in a rocking chair she'd gotten from another hospital room and sang "Bye Bye Baby" for the few minutes it took Baby Nate to die.

A doctor was standing by to make the official pronouncement of death. Jax and Tara each kissed Baby Nate good-bye. His body would be taken for an autopsy later in the day. It was standard procedure.

They talked briefly about organ donation finally agreeing to allow them to harvest in any organs not spoiled by the autopsy. Jax didn't like the idea of his son being used for spare parts, but he understood that Baby Nate might be able to help other infants that desperately needed the help his organs could provide.

"Can you get a ride home?" Jax asked Tara.

"I'm sure Margaret will give me a ride."

"I'm going to go down and check on Gemma and let her know she can come up and say good-bye to Baby Nate."

"Fine with me as long as I don't have to see her."

"I won't be too long."

Tara kissed Jax on the cheek and went in search of Margaret. She was still wearing her same scrubs from the previous day.

Jax went downstairs to the ER. For insurance purposes, Gemma was never admitted to the hospital. She would be released in time so it didn't count as a hospital admission. Gemma was awake and looked like she was back to normal.

Jax explained that Baby Nate was upstairs and she could say good-bye to him, but she needed to do it soon. Gemma's lips tightened but she refrained from telling Jax that he'd just killed his son by taking him off life support. Jax knew that Clay must have talked to her or he knew she would have said something.

When Tara returned to the house, she could feel Baby Nate everywhere in the house. Every single room reminded her of her baby son. She got into the shower, washed her hair and put on a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Physically she felt a little better, but emotionally she was a wreck.

She decided she didn't feel like cooking and bringing food to the cabin. They could stop off at the supermarket and get some fried chicken, salads and sandwiches. She packed a carton of eggs, a carton of milk and some oranges, apples and cookies for Abel's snacks.

She had cried from the time she got into the shower to when she finished packing clothes. Suddenly life without Baby Nate got real for her.

Jax returned to find Tara sitting on the floor in Baby Nate's room sobbing and holding his bunny to her chest. He got down on the floor and did his best to comfort her but he understood why she was overcome with grief. The whole house felt sad.

"I'm going to go grab a quick shower. Why don't you call Donna and tell her we'll be over in a few minutes to get Abel?"

Tara nodded. She texted Donna because she didn't trust herself to speak. She had no idea returning to the house would be so tough. She was glad they were going to the cabin for a few days.

Tara washed her face. She needed to calm down because she couldn't be an emotional wreck around Abel—at least not until they told him of his brother's death.

They went to the market and quickly got all the items Tara had on her list. Donna had Abel ready for them when they came to pick him up. He was eager to tell his parents about all the fun he'd had on his overnight stay with Ellie and Kenny who were big kids. He thought hanging out with Ellie and Kenny made him a big kid too.

"Where's brother?" Abel asked when Jax fastened him into his car seat.

"Baby Nate had to go somewhere," Tara said quickly. That explanation was enough for Abel. He nodded his head and went back to playing with his rainbow colored slinky.

On the way to the cabin, Tara took a last look at the "You are leaving" Charming sign and wondered how much blood the town was going to require before they could leave. Who else was going to have to die before they could leave the poisonous town behind or was Baby Nate's death enough?

Tara shuddered, fearing the answer.