Here we are, the last chapter of the first half of the chapter. With this chapter, I'm taking a break before I return and start posting the rest of the story. I don't know how long it would take as I also want to plan the next book, finishing up the last part of this one.
Enjoy.
After Rick left the room, Amanda stepped back against the wall and started trembling violently. Her eyes were hurting, tears welled inside, and when she felt wetness over her cheeks, she realized they had broken free. Her teary eyes swept over the clutter on the hardwood floor as she stood her back against the wall, trembling. Before she understood, her knees gave in too and she sank on the floor.
How had they come to this?
She just wanted to think over it. Everything was going madly again, she didn't know what to think, what to feel, everything piled on each other, not giving her a moment of relief. She didn't want to finish up what they had for good, stopping it entirely. Damn her if she thought Rick would have reacted this way.
That fierce savage beast was Rick, too, a part of him that Amanda had accepted, the good, the bad, and the ugly, but. She recalled her talk with Joan, the woman trying to warn her just like Amanda had started getting worried for Gorman.
She shook her head. No. No. Rick wasn't like Gorman. It wasn't his cloth, even despite how she'd challenged him, she knew it. Rick would've never forced himself on her. She didn't believe that. The way he looked at her when Amanda uttered those words—as if—as if she'd just tore off his chest and ripped out his heart. That hurt, pained look, mixed with anger—
God!
They were done. Amanda couldn't see how they could come back from this. Perhaps that was the truth they needed to accept. Although they deeply cared for each other, perhaps they were really wrong for each other. Perhaps they were one of those people that shouldn't be together because they had so many issues that only made things worse.
Perhaps Rick needed someone like Beatrice, a woman he would take care of just like how he desired without turning it into a matter of life and death situation like Amanda had managed to do. She wished she could be that woman, but she wasn't. Amanda always knew she wasn't wife material.
Her eyes cut over the clutter again as a stark desperation gripped her. This was the final destination Amanda had managed to carry them, keeping herself away from him. There was a part in her that knew Rick was right again, even when he was wrong.
But she didn't want this to happen. It hurt her, but Amanda had to accept it now too. She wasn't the right person for Rick Grimes. The reality made her feel worse, her tears flooding worse, but she could see it openly now.
They were just wrong for each other.
She pulled up her knees on the floor and hugged herself around her legs, resting her head on her knees. It was going to pass away. It hurt now, but, it should go away…eventually. Time happened and even hurt faded away. It was better for anyone. Amanda couldn't deal with this. Rick obviously couldn't deal with it.
He needed a Beatrice to take care of, she thought once more. How he was in the prison when they first met, how much he lost his shit when he thought he'd failed to protect his wife. Perhaps it was just his issues, trying to make up for his own mistakes, but there was one truth Amanda always knew about him well.
Rick Grimes was a family man. Even he told himself, told her he'd wanted to settle down, got bored of the bachelor lifestyle, and proposed. On the other hand, Amanda had finished her friends with benefits relationship when Michael asked for commitment because she couldn't even think of herself in a serious relationship that way, the notion coming so foreign to her.
She'd been trying with Rick, but this was how they'd ended up; Rick trashing the room screaming at her she belonged to him like a possessive asshole boyfriend, the very kind that Amanda had always felt wary, and Amanda punching people in front of everyone in public like a mad banshee. Denise was right, she had lost it after Nicholas brought Rick into their fight.
She lifted her head and looked at the distorted room again, the vanity table. Even to think now that she was going to stay with him together in this room, sharing it made her feel so baffled that Amanda wondered for a few seconds if she had lost all her sense, believing in it, thinking she would do it.
The broken pieces over the floor had brought back the reality. Perhaps in the next fight, Rick would do even worse, kick off the vanity table completely, breaking furniture, throwing stuff around, punching the walls, losing his anger further until…
She stopped that line of thought. Rick could be aggressive, but he couldn't cross that line. Rick's possessiveness was born from love, and his need to protect people he cared about deeply whereas, with men like Gorman, it was all about their vanity and egos, and their self-image. Even when Rick had attacked Tyreese unhinged, he'd taken two direct punches in his face before he lost it completely. Almost punching her too in the meantime, but he'd managed to stop himself. Nevertheless, there was still that little wary voice in the back of her mind that told her they were playing with fire.
It was another lesson Amanda had learned at a young age; if play with fire, you get burned.
Because despite her sadness and regret, Amanda was equally bothered with her reaction, too, the way she stared at him frozen after seeing him like that with her, as if she was turned to stone for a few seconds.
In her first years in the force, Amanda had seen a lot of women she could've never thought of putting up with domestic violence suffered it silently until it was too late, or too hard to keep quiet. She'd never understood why, especially seeing working-class capable women still trying to salvage their relationships, but Amanda knew it happened. Once she'd even seen a middle-aged director of a board suffering a black eye and split eyebrow, but forsaking putting charges at the end in the last minute. Her husband was a history professor.
That night Amanda had thought in her flat long and hard, trying to understand why a woman such as would accept this kind of treatment from a man, but she couldn't find any reasonable answer other than being afraid of getting out with it and being socially branded, or somehow developing a sort of Stockholm Syndrome.
She shook her head, eyeing the room again, and started standing up. Perhaps it was really best for everyone if they stayed away from each other. She passed the back of her hand over her cheeks, drying her eyes, blinking rapidly. Her breaths were hitched, but she wasn't sobbing.
Small victories… Amanda shook her head again, her shoulders sagging with a deep, long sigh before she started padding towards the bathroom. She took the waste bin there and came back inside the room.
This wasn't going to be her bedroom now, and this wasn't her mess, either, but she couldn't leave the room for Judith and Carl like this. It was very unlikely Rick would come back inside the house tonight. No. Not after her lashing out, not after her last words.
For a few seconds, she even thought of looking for him, to tell him she didn't think of him like that—like Gorman. Her hands freezing, Amanda remembered it again, Rick turning his most savage persona whenever he was threatened, hurt, or scared of losing what he held dear to his heart.
I love you—
His confession found her again, breaking her tears once more. Amanda had never let herself think of those words, but they seeped through her barriers. Why don't you let me take care of you? Is it really that hard?
She didn't know. It just felt…wrong.
And how does that make you feel?
Doesn't make me feel anything. It's what it is.
Damn her if she knew what it damn felt like!
On a crazy, mad urge, Amanda even thought of finding him to tell him that she didn't know, that she didn't damn know what she wanted, how she felt. That it felt so wrong to let him even when it made her feel relieved, knowing that he cared about her deeply, that she was confused, that those damn interviews even made her more baffled, making her remember about the past, how she had ended up killing that drug dealer, how she almost got herself expelled if Dawn didn't cover her ass, but she didn't know the words—and—Amanda didn't want to get burned.
Or burn him further.
So she dropped on her knees again and started tidying the room. It was best they stayed away from each other. Her hands froze again as Amanda picked up a broken piece of the container over the vanity table, realizing something else.
They truly needed to stay away from each other, and how the hell were they going to do that?
They lived in a small house. They couldn't play hide and seek with each other in the same damn house, sleeping in the rooms next to each other!
The fact brought to her another realization, something as stark as breaking up with him, making her throat clench, leaking her tears once more.
Amanda needed to move out.
# # #
Amanda didn't know how long she passed staring at the wall, trying to process the fact that she couldn't stay with them in the same house anymore, but when she regained her motor functions and started picking off the clutter once more, her eyes had turned dry.
She tried to formulate a plan. Rick had Judith, who needed the master bedroom and its bathroom, so Amanda had to move out.
But where?
The other house was full, and she doubted that Deanna would give her one of the empty houses. She would ask if there was an empty room in the other houses she would loan, but even the thought of living with these people she didn't know anything about making her cringe.
No.
Moving out was as hard as it was, leaving Beth, Mika, Judith. She liked living here, playing with kids, watching TV in the living room, making breakfast in the morning, eating supper at night. More than a house, it'd started to feel like a…home.
She couldn't deal with strangers, trying to live with them. Perhaps she was just losing her adaptation skills. Amanda had been always easy to adapt to new situations, her younger years teaching her how to fit into the new houses quickly, but trying to make up with new people now sounded dreadful.
But she still couldn't stay in the house. She wondered if she could make a place for herself like Daryl in the other garage before Rick moved Carl to the attic.
Her back straightened, Amanda drew up. The attic. She could move to the other's house attic, too. It was better than the garage. Living with the others wouldn't be the same, but at least she still would be inside a house. It still wasn't the same thing, but it was better than the alternative.
Amanda had never been close with Sasha and Bob, Tyreese's sacrifice at Grady had driven a wedge between them, even though Sasha never made a case against her for it. But it was just something Amanda couldn't forget easily. There was a respectful rapport between her and Abraham and his gang, but she could hardly call them friends, too. More like co-workers or something, but perhaps they could be more. Amanda was willing to try.
The others would understand. Everyone knew things were complicated between her and Rick. Amanda didn't need to explain, she didn't need to explain herself to anyone anymore. Suddenly she paused again, realizing it wasn't entirely true, either. She did need to explain herself to someone.
Beth. Beth needed to know why she had to leave the house.
It saddened Amanda even worse. Beth needed her space as much as Carl, but Amanda felt scared if the teenager would feel abandoned if Amanda moved out entirely. She supposed they could exchange their room with Sasha and Bob, Beth going to their room, Amanda going to the attic, but Beth's place wasn't in the second house.
No. Beth belonged with her family, with the people in the C Block. Even Sasha was still sleeping in the D Block when they were in the prison. Beth belonged with her family, not separating from them because of Amanda.
Standing up, Amanda tied up the disposal bag out of the waste bin and secured it with a knot. She placed the items that weren't broken back on the vanity's counter, picking up the condoms package too. She slipped it under her shirt again, trying not to think on it anymore.
Taking the disposal bag, she left the master bedroom. Downstairs she quickly made her way into the kitchen and dumped the small bag into the bigger dumpster as Carol with Judith walked into the kitchen.
"Is everything okay?" the older woman asked. Even though her expression was gentle, her eyes were hawkish.
Amanda wondered how much of it Carol had heard. Their shouts, the sounds it made when Rick trashed the litters on the hardwood floor. Perhaps she even saw how Rick left the house. She nodded quickly, the urge to run away out of the house building in her further. She couldn't stay here, she just couldn't.
"Yeah—" she mumbled under her breath. "Had a fight."
"Did he break something or was it you?" The question came so out of blue, whipping her head at the older woman, Amanda stared.
"I heard the glass shattering," Carol explained, easing Judith into her highchair. Amanda didn't even know anymore if she should cry or laugh when she realized the older woman couldn't decide who did it, Rick or her.
"We broke up—" she settled with informing Carol.
Carol was silent for a few minutes before she inquired. "For real?"
Amanda shook her shoulders. She didn't know. Not anymore. This really wasn't what she'd meant when she asked for a break, but she still couldn't see how they could come back from this. Or they should come back from this.
"I—I don't know—" Amanda muttered. "We just broke up." It was also true. It wasn't like they sat down and talked about it, reaching an agreement. She supposed couples also sat down and talked through a breakup, coming clean, but they'd never managed to be a couple in the first place.
Amanda couldn't imagine them starting now, either.
Pouring water in the kettle, Carol suddenly stated. "Rick needs you." She looked up at Amanda directly as she still held the kettle, her tone as firm as her gaze. "You should make up with him."
Her eyes narrowing, Amanda stared at the older woman back. "You want me to keep him settled down, don't you?" she asked slowly.
Turning on the kettle, the woman set it down on its counter, looking as unapologetic as ever. "I heard about you and Joan, Amanda. Don't act naive now. Men like Rick need a woman. He's wired that way."
"But not a woman like me—" Amanda refused, jerking her head, but couldn't bring herself to tell her that Rick needed a woman like Beatrice to make him happy and settled.
"I wouldn't be sure of that, officer," the grey-haired woman replied, giving her a sly smirk turning aside. "Men like him also like challenges. Rick likes you because you don't make things easier for him." She paused for a second. "Sometimes your spirit even reminds me of Lori." Her sharp blue eyes grew even more inspective. "You look like her too."
With that, Amanda frowned fully, mulling over what the woman had stated, ignoring the last remark. She didn't want to think how much she looked like Rick's dead wife. It was a can of worms Amanda couldn't dare to open right now. If ever. But what Carol said about her not making things easier for him, the words sounded like she was…a conquest.
The furrow between her eyebrows deepened. "I'm not a conquest," she clipped back. "And Rick isn't like that."
Perhaps there was a shed of truth in the words, everyone liked challenges, being intrigued by what they didn't have, but Rick wasn't like how Carol had implied. But instead of pressing on it, Carol just smiled at her again. "You're still defending him, eh, sweetheart?"
Amanda's lips clenched further, realizing the woman was messing up with her. To what end, Amanda wasn't sure, though.
"You're right. Rick isn't like that, but he's still a man, Amanda," she continued. "When Rick came to the quarry, it took us about a day or so before we started listening to him. I don't even know how it happened, really. He just said something, and we did it. Sometimes we questioned him, his decisions, but at the end, we all stayed with him."
Amanda gave a brief nod in silence, not knowing what else to do, not knowing where this conversation was leading to. So she waited silently.
"Rick does need a woman," Carol concluded, not letting her wonder longer. "He's done with his grief. You pushed him out of there. But if you leave him now, he's gonna find another one eventually. Another woman will come forth and claim him. Every single woman in this town must be practically praying for it each night—" Carol went on almost teasingly. "Are you really sure you want that to happen?"
The question halted her, dipping her head to stare at the floor. That was what she had thought, right? A woman like Beatrice coming and taking Rick. It was bound to happen; Amanda knew it. She shouldn't be bitter. Their…love was just impossible.
Then why the hell hearing it from someone else made her feel as if something suddenly slid inside her chest and stabbed her in the heart again.
The kettle whistled, steam emerging out from the boiled water. Her eyes cut over to it as an image rose before them, Rick and Beatrice sitting around the kitchen's island together, Judith and Carl between them as they ate pancakes. Their expressions were relaxed, and they were looking at each other with small smiles as they chattered easily.
Her heart ached even worse. Amanda shook her head, shooing away the image. "I—I don't know."
"Well, then, figure out quickly," Carol replied, going over to the kettle to turn it off. "He won't stay bachelor long."
Amanda forced herself to shrug, trying to let the words wash over her. If Rick found his princess to pamper at the end of the world, well, Amanda was just going to suck it up, she guessed. "I know," she remarked truthfully. "I'm moving out of the house."
Carol's face stiffened after that as she eyed Amanda closely. "You're serious about this, aren't you?"
"I didn't force him to a breakup because I was bored, Carol—" she snapped. "Of course, I'm serious!"
Carol raised her eyebrow. "Did you force him?"
Amanda cursed inwardly. "H-he didn't want to."
"I see." She started pouring hot water into a white mug, her blue eyes raising to hers again. "Is it why I heard those sounds?" Carol questioned. "Did he break something because you wanted to break up?" There was wariness inside her eyes now, as much as in her words, something also made Amanda wary too, but she nodded in admission.
"He hit the vanity," she replied lowly. "The glass junk fell."
Carol nodded in return. "I see." She paused for a beat. "Perhaps, you're right. Perhaps it's the best you move out of the house."
Amanda's jaw clenched, anger finding her, hearing the words, even worse than hearing Rick might find himself a girlfriend soon, and she didn't even know why! She shook her head, not wanting to continue to talk anymore because she didn't damn know what else to say.
She turned and left the kitchen. She should find Beth and talk to her. She didn't want to think anymore. Despite what Carol had said, what Amanda had felt, there was a part of her that still thought Rick wouldn't move on that easily to another woman just after their breakup.
She just didn't see it happening. Besides, he'd just walked out after her words. They didn't discuss it further. Maybe they should…talk about it a bit more. She shook her head inwardly as soon as the thought—the hope appeared in her mind.
No. There was nothing to talk about. They were wrong for each other, making each other worse.
We stand together. We belong to each other. I knew it since I drew you to my side in front of the Death Wing.
His words skated over her mind suddenly after then, her breath hitching just as the part she was trying to silence down whispered that his words were true, too. She'd even walked inside Alexandria's gates beside him, standing at his side. It'd felt natural.
Amanda shook her head with frustration, forcing the thought away as her eyes started hurting again. It was done. They were done. This was the best, for both of them. In time, it would pass away.
She walked out on the porch, her eyes scanning the grounds to look for Rick. She wasn't ready yet to see him. Nope. She surveyed the area, focusing on the construction sites along the wall to build the platforms Rick wanted and realized with a relief he was nowhere around. Briefly, she wondered where he was, but started stepping down to find Beth.
Her feet brought her to their obstacle course. Something urged her to try the quasi-finished parkour. The action was always good, put things away from her mind. But she needed to find Beth. She also was curious how exactly Carl had learned that she was leaving. Rick had said he'd learned from Carl, and only two people knew that she was leaving: Abraham and Beth. Amanda had personally warned Abraham, so it left Beth.
She closed on the mud pit they'd covered with a cargo net to crawl underneath. It was one of the hardest parts of the track, something Amanda wanted to test personally. It was going to take a real effort to keep the mud not dried, but if they could manage planting and flower beds, they could surely manage that, too. She almost dived in the pit, but out of the corner of her eye, she picked up movement from her left side.
Amanda shifted towards the maintenance building to check out, her heart skipping a beat. Rick usually spent a lot of time in the warehouse, but what she saw made her frown, her lips flattened.
It wasn't Rick, and it wasn't the maintenance building, either. Two figures were slipping out of the greenhouse next to it, close to the masonry wall, and it took a second or so for Amanda to realize it was Beth and Ron.
Amanda eyed the teenagers curiously as they halted, spotting her too. When Amanda neared them, her eyebrows got lost behind her hairline, fully taking in their appearance.
Beth's cheeks were flushed, much like Ron's, her hair tousled, and it also didn't take long for Amanda to pick up the lovebites and red spots along her neck and under her jaw.
Oh.
Beth twisted to her boyfriend with a closed-lipped smile. "I see ya later, 'kay?" Ron nodded, shifting his eyes between them. He dipped and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.
Amanda's eyebrow raised again, but she stayed silent. After the teenager left, Amanda turned to Beth. "Beth?"
Beth let out a sigh, shaking her shoulders. "I was ready, Amanda. I wanted it." She paused. "We used the condom."
"Okay—" Amanda accepted. She didn't know what else to do. "Are you okay, right?"
Beth nodded again. "Yeah." She smiled. "I'm okay."
Amanda then finally smiled back at her. "Was it good?"
"Um, I think—" Beth laughed out. "I think I need to practice more to make my final decision." Amanda shook her head as the teenager asked, her voice almost…innocent. "Can we find more condoms, Amanda?"
"Don't need it—" Amanda replied, fishing out the package in her pocket. She'd figured she would pass it back to Joan, but it looked like she didn't need to. "Found another one from Joan."
"Ah. Good." Beth took the package Amanda handed her and started opening it. Amanda stopped her. "No. No need. Keep it all."
Beth's hands stopped and she lifted her head to look up at her. "All of it?" she echoed back.
Amanda nodded. "Yeah." Beth narrowed. Amanda decided it was a nice opening to come clean. "Rick and I—we broke up. I don't need them anymore."
Beth's eyes widened. "You broke up? Why?"
Bowing her head, Amanda poked at a dirt spot beside the masonry wall with the tip of her boot. "We fought."
"And?" Beth pressed further. "You always fight."
The words made Amanda inhale deeply. "Yeah, we always fight." She shook her head, remembering what she had told Rick. "It isn't working, Beth."
Beth mimicked her gesture, too, as she slowly said, "I never thought you'd break up."
Amanda raised her head. "Why?" she asked. "Why did you think like that?"
"I don't know—" Beth replied. "I guess you look like you're two halves of a whole—" she remarked in the same slow consideration, eyeing her as something seized in her chest. "Like Glenn and Maggie. Different, but completing each other." She paused, shrugging. "I just felt like this." The teenager gave her another look. "It's the end?" she inquired again. "Certain?"
The question made her pause again. Amanda shook her shoulders. "Yeah…" she murmured. "I think."
"You think?"
"He sort of walked out of the room in the discussion."
"Ah. It's not certain then?"
Amanda shook her head in objection. "No. We broke up, Beth. It's—I—we need a break. I need a break." She stopped, gulping. "Beth, I'm moving out of the house too," she finally stated. "I can't stay here now."
Amanda expected fiery objections, tantrums, but Beth only jerked her head in a brief nod. "I see—" she replied firmly. "Okay then. We ask Sasha and Bob to change the rooms and move on to the other house."
"No—" Amanda declined, shaking her head. "Beth, no. It's your home, your family. I don't want to change that."
The fiery objection she'd been waiting for came directly after that. "No! I'm not letting you go there alone."
"Beth, I'm not going to be alone. Those are also our people." Beth shook her head, not buying her words. "And you need a room for yourself, honey," Amanda continued, walking closer to her. "You need it as much as Carl."
That made her consider her words, but she asked the next second, frowning. "Where do you going to stay then if Sasha and Abraham will stay in the house?"
"Uh, I was thinking of the other attic—"
Beth cut her off, "Attic?" the teenager cried out. "You're gonna stay in the attic?"
"Carl does—"
"Carl is fifteen—" Beth opposed, shaking her head. "No. You stay. I go to the attic if you want to stay alone."
"Beth, I'm not running away from you—" Amanda replied, stepping in even closer. "I can't stay in the same house with Rick." Her tone wavered again as she blurted out, forcing the words out of her with her confession.
But Beth wasn't listening to her. "Then Rick goes to the attic—" she offered. "You stay in."
"So Judith lives in the attic while I have the master bedroom—" She shook her head. "No."
That made finally relented Beth with a deep sigh. "You're really going to, aren't you?" she asked, bowing her head slightly in defeat.
Amanda nodded. "I'll be just in the next house."
She nodded, too, but they both knew it wasn't going to be the same. Her tears almost welled again, but Amanda didn't let them break free this time. She didn't want to make it harder for Beth.
Amanda swallowed through the tight lump in her throat and asked. "Did you say Carl we're going to D.C with Abraham?" she asked, changing the topic.
Beth raised her head, giving her a suspicious look this time. "Yeah. He said Rick was staying—" Beth suddenly stopped, realizing what had happened, staring at her wildly with her widened eyes. "Oh my god! Y-you fought because of the mission, right?"
Amanda accepted with a brief nod. "Carl told him."
Beth's eyes narrowed. "And?"
Amanda shrugged again, not wanting to discuss it. "Had a fight."
Beth studied her keenly. "Why didn't you tell him, Amanda? Carl said Rick didn't know we're going."
With another nod, Amanda accepted too. "Yeah. I was going to, but…things happened." She turned around. "I need to go and check the attic—" she said, wanting to finish the discussion, understanding that she wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone, not only with Rick.
Beth nodded, but her eyes were still narrowed before Amanda started walking. "Amanda—" the teenager called out to her. Amanda stopped and turned back to her. "We're still going, aren't we?" she inquired as to if she already picked up why they had fought.
"Yes—" Amanda replied, giving her another small loop of her head. "We're still going."
Amanda headed back to the house, intent on finishing up with the attic so she could move out before dinner before Rick would turn back. She still didn't think he would, at least before a midnight shift, but Amanda didn't want to play on luck. The sooner she finished this, the better it was going to be for everyone.
They were like a butterfly effect; when they fucked up, their ripple effects were affecting everyone involved with them. Amanda was tired of hurting people she cared about. She couldn't gather the furniture for the attic in a day, it took Rick two days to prepare it. Amanda didn't need it. Even her bedrolls and a blanket with a pillow would be enough for her right now.
She passed Deanna's house quickly, keeping her gaze dutifully trained ahead of her, catching Aiden's figure out on the porch again. She was going to make up with them just like she'd demanded from Denise this morning, but Amanda didn't want to think about it right now, either.
But she was short on luck today for dealing with stuff she didn't want to. "Amanda—" Aiden called out to her from upstairs as she passed under the railings.
Amanda stopped and craned her head up to look at the man. "Do you have a moment?" he asked, sounding firm but reserved.
Without a word, Amanda started taking the steps. "I talked to Denise," Aiden remarked when she stopped at the corner of the railings, facing him. "Do you want to talk with us?"
Without a fuss, Amanda gave a quick tilt of the head. "Yes," she accepted. "We need to sit down and talk. You're coming to D.C the next week with us, right?"
The older Monroe nodded back for confirmation. "We need to resolve this issue before we leave." Amanda went on. "And I'm sorry, but I need to be sure there won't be no-nonsense like in the nursery when we cross to D.C. We can't risk it like that, Aiden. You know we can't." She shook her head, remembering what she'd told Maggie before her words proven right once more.
"I know I was mean, and my words were spiteful," she accepted, too. "But this world doesn't forgive mistakes. One slip, one mistake—" She jerked her head towards the wall, gesturing outside. "That's the whole difference between us and them."
She turned and started leaving the porch then, but Aiden's voice stopped her. "We know it isn't a game—" he told her. Amanda stopped and twisted aside. "And Nicholas doesn't try to be the best," he declared.
"We lost our team member a few months ago," Aiden continued as she stared at him silently, turning fully towards him. "He was Nicholas's best friend from childhood. They arrived together in the town, just after us. Even before Dave and his pals. We trained together, went out together. He was the best shot of us. Never missed anything. We trusted our asses to him all the time."
Amanda didn't need to ask what had happened to the man. She already knew. "Two months ago, we lost him outside. He stayed behind again to cover our ass. Couldn't come back. We—we had to leave him behind. Perhaps he's still out there somewhere, a walking corpse. I don't know."
His voice hitching, Aiden paused, shaking his head. "We don't talk about it. Nicholas blamed himself a lot because he couldn't make the shots, clearing his path to fall back with us." He paused again, his dark eyes finding hers. "You were right. I couldn't bring myself to tell him to stop. I just couldn't. Nicholas doesn't try because he wants to be the best, Amanda. He does it because he feels he owes it to Daniel."
Amanda swallowed a tightness over her throat as Aiden's grew heavier. "Don't give hope on us yet—" Aiden called out for the last. "We're still trying, too."
"My field is almost ready. I'll start classes after we come back from D.C." They had started making so many plans for the future, Amanda faintly realized too, even though they still lost people, just like Aiden had confessed; life was still going on, and they were all trying to deal with their losses.
"I need to train, too—" she went on. "There was stuff I wasn't happy with after we got stranded in the woods. We all need to get better, train harder. I was thinking of asking Abraham's help for Army-grade training, maybe you could join me, too?" she offered as an olive branch.
Aiden nodded. "Yeah. I think we can manage that."
"I see you around then—" Amanda said, turning to leave again.
She felt his eyes on her back watching her as she walked away, but Amanda didn't look back. Instead, she started looking for Sasha and the others to tell them she was going to need their attic. It was going to raise questions, but it was something she needed to deal with, too, just like she had just done with Aiden.
She was going to deal with everything in due time. She'd already started. Perhaps she would manage to find a common ground with Rick and they could salvage their relationship. Perhaps they just needed a break. She didn't know, but they were going to see.
Her eyes scanned again on their own, trying to spot him, just as the moment, he carried a short steel beam out of the warehouse. Amanda halted in her steps, her eyes following him as Rick strode towards the workbench along the wall, his eyes trained ahead, the beam supported on his shoulder between his hands.
She knew she should go, it was still too new, but her feet planted roots in the ground as Rick started walking in front of her. Amanda thought about a few seconds to call out for him, but she still didn't know what to say. Nevertheless, she didn't need to feel conflicted long. His face stern, his jaw clenched, staring ahead, Rick passed in front of her without even a glance at her direction, ignoring all her existence.
As he walked towards the workstation purposely, Amanda stared at his back.
# # #
Like a life-size puppet, Rick blindly did his chores all day. He couldn't do anything else, couldn't do think anything else, he chopped the plates and beams, measured, his hands working nonstop, his gaze fixated on his work.
He'd picked up Amanda's stare in the town around noon as she stood in the street watching him but didn't see her again after then. Because he didn't look for her. No. He was just going to do his work, kept his distance away from her, as she demanded, not forcing his unwanted presence on her.
Will you force yourself on me too?
Rick jerked his head slightly, putting the words off his mind, driving them away. No. He wasn't going to think on them, because whenever he did, the hurt and anger he felt as if someone was truly lashing him returned, hearing it from her as she looked at him in that way after he hit the vanity table.
Was Rick that person? No. He wasn't. He would've never done it, never force himself on her, never hurt her. How she could even think of it, think of him like that?
Rick knew she always questioned them from the beginning, but she really thought Rick was capable of doing something like that? Forcing her to stay at his side, taking her by force? That was what she expected from him?
He'd overstepped his boundaries with trashing the room, but what she'd implied…Why she always had to assume the worst about him?
When Rick said they belonged to each other, he didn't mean it like that. Didn't mean she belonged to him. He just felt they were completing each other in a way that fit. His dream came to him again, the way Rick cocooned him from her back in the kitchen, Amanda nimbly fitting in his arms—
Rick shook his head, chasing away that thought again. He'd thought it was the truth, felt it strongly, believed it, but perhaps it was only his wishful thinking, Amanda didn't feel like him. Rick had never managed to quell down her doubts, Amanda had never managed to let them go. If that was what Amanda wanted, Rick wasn't going to bother her again.
No one bothered him, too. Rick didn't know if they heard about their breakup, but people kept their distance the whole day, even Daryl. There were only Carol and kids inside the house when Rick had stormed out, but gossips spread quickly in this town. Rick didn't mind. He wanted to be alone. He even thought of going out, but he needed these platforms, and working with his hands on something kept him more settled than hunting walkers outside.
There was a part inside him that still was raging, hurling, wanting to trash, break furniture, go out and kill as much as walkers possible, that nameless beast, the same part that still wanted Amanda, the part that still rioted the fact that Rick wasn't going to sleep in the bed with her tonight like he desired, yearned for, that part that still screamed she belonged with him, at his side, in his arms, but Rick silenced it. He wasn't sure if he could keep himself restrained if he pondered on it longer.
Will you force yourself on me, too?
The saw slipped an inch, and Rick yanked his left hand the second before he chopped it off. The edge cut his palm. Blood started oozing as Rick seethed through his nostrils in anger.
He took out the red cloth from his back pocket and wrapped his hand. Before supper time, he changed his place with Sasha, taking her place in the bell tower. It was cold, windy in the heights like usual, but Rick let the cold infused in him, quenching his burning heat. He didn't want to feel anything anymore.
When he returned to the house, the moon was high in the sky, close to midnight. Rick slowly padded towards the back deck, still not wanting to go inside. Amanda possibly preferred him not to as well, at least not tonight when things were fairly new. Rick had no idea what they were going to do now, how they could manage living like this, but they were all questions for later. Right now, Rick didn't want anything but to survive the first night of their breakup.
Daryl wasn't around the back deck, so Rick was alone. He snagged his cigarette package out of his pocket. He'd stashed it in the maintenance building's management office after he figured out Beth and Carl had smoked and took it back in the morning. He hadn't smoked in the town during the day, but alone here in the silent night, it was time to have one.
He lit the cigarette with the lighter he kept in his duty belt and dragged a long breath in. The heavy nicotine burned his throat raw, itching, and Rick welcomed the feeling once more.
When it finished, Rick lit another one. One just didn't come enough. He was in the middle of it before Rick heard faint crunches from his right side. His head whipped towards the short bush fence that separated the houses beside a narrow cobblestone path. The next second, Amanda suddenly appeared at the other side.
His eyes narrowed, Rick took off the cigarette from between his lips, giving her a look as Amanda leaped from the other side to his side. She slowly walked towards him and pointed his hand. "Can I have one, too?" she asked.
Without a word, Rick fished out the package and extended it to her. Amanda took one, and as she bent down in him, Rick lit it too.
Straightening up, Amanda inhaled deeply before letting the smoke out slowly. Rick watched her silently as she did, taking a drag himself too, waiting her to speak. She had come, so Rick waited. He didn't know what else she might want to tell him, or what she was doing exactly at the other side, but he didn't talk. He was tired of trying to talk to her, too. Trying to open her up.
Amanda lowered her hand at her side after taking another inhale before she stated with a low voice, "I moved out today—" Her head gestured at the other house. "I'm gonna stay in their attic."
The words felt like a punch in his guts, but Rick only took another puff from his smoke before he bobbed his head a little in return. He wasn't even sure why she'd come to tell him. Why she bothered this time? It wasn't like that she cared what he would feel.
Amanda's eyes narrowed at his reaction as she looked at him as if…as if she expected a reaction from him.
Rick didn't know what to say. Half of him wanted to lash at her back how she could do it, how she could think so logically when Rick barely managed to wander around the town all day like a ghost, going to take shifts before he chopped his damn hand as the other just wanted to beg her again not to leave him. Wanted to tell her he couldn't even think of a life without her anymore, how he felt numb the whole day, how he couldn't even bring himself to walk inside the house and go to the master bedroom, face the bed he'd dreamed of sharing with her.
But Amanda didn't want to hear any of those, so he quenched the cigarette on the step, frisking it away before he looked up at her. "Did you find all the furniture you need?" he questioned. He should make sure at least she had everything she needed. "We can arrange some stuff from here too."
Her eyebrows knitted into a full frown. "No—" she rasped in a hiss. "I handle it."
Rick gave her a look. She really sounded…pissed.
Rick frowned too. He must be behaving like how she wanted, giving her space like she'd demanded, not throwing a…hissy fit because she wanted to put some distance between them.
She wanted a break from him, whatever it damn meant.
Rick had never been on a break before. He'd only broken up and moved on until he met Lori and they got married. Amanda's relationship experience was even worse than him, so Rick wasn't sure what a break entitled to, but he felt like they were done now.
Her eyes still narrowed with her pinched eyebrows, Amanda shot him a pissed look, and Rick vaguely wondered if she expected something different from him like—making a fuss, throwing out another hissy fit. Telling her she couldn't leave the damn house, leave him?
It didn't make any sense, but Rick knew that flattened lips or clenched brows Amanda had whenever she wasn't liking something.
Rick stood up. "Amanda—" he called out to her, climbing down from the steps slowly. "What—"
His words were suddenly interrupted by a scream from the next house as they both spun on the other side before it was followed with his name; "RICK!"
# # #
Her annoyance was only hindered by the scream of his name. It'd surely started bringing back memories. Amanda didn't have much time to ponder on his reaction after then, the way he'd taken that she'd moved out. Amanda wanted to break the news personally this time, didn't want him to learn it from the others, shoot her, she was being considerate.
She'd been waiting for another set of objections, telling her she shouldn't leave, telling her it was…her home, too, but he didn't even blink! It looked like after what happened today, Rick had come to the same conclusion too. They were wrong for each other. Rick had finally seen it, too. Preferring her to stay away.
It hurt, something deeply throbbing in her chest, Carol's words faintly in the dark recess of her mind, but instead of focusing them, Amanda focused on Sasha's urgent, feverish tones still yelling for him.
"Rick! Rick!"
Rick had already lunged forward and jumped over the plant fence, passing him. Amanda followed him quickly. They ran down on the driveway at the other side as Sasha finally emerged out on the porch, too.
"RICK!" the Afro-American woman headed towards the railings as Rick yelled back.
"Sasha!" He held the railings, still running over to the steps. "What's happening?"
Sweeping around towards them, she jumped down over them. They met over the rows of flowers Amanda had kept beside the driveway. "It's Abraham!" the woman cried out. "He-he's gonna kill Eugene!"
"What?" Amanda asked as they started running back over to the porch.
"It's—it's about D.C—" Sasha replied, slanting a look over at her, holding back the screen day. "Eugene—he lied. He confessed tonight to Abraham. There's no cure."
Amanda always thought nothing would surprise her anymore in this world, or no one, but she stood corrected once more.
The statement froze her at the doorway, much like Rick at the same time. She blinked a few times, looking at the other woman, trying to register the words.
There was no cure. No cure.
No. Cure.
Was it still possible to be shocked over something you never truly believed in it, aside from being a…hope?
God.
Her eyes darted at Rick, who was squinting inside with a mighty grimace, his jaw clenched. Amanda almost shivered just at the same time the fighting sounds heated worse, and she heard the second time in that day something breaking.
God!
Abraham—Abraham wasn't going to like this.
Not one bit.
When another high-pitched scream followed the shattering clatters, Amanda jolted inside, right after Sasha. Amanda heard Rosita's shouts from insides as they ran in the corridor.
Inside the living room, Eugene was sprawled out on the hardwood floor, his nose and lips bleeding, one eye already closed with the punches he'd taken, already half-unconscious as mounted over the quirky man, Abraham Ford were strangling him.
Noah and his gang were watching with a frightened stupor at the corner as Rosita was trying to get Abraham away from Eugene. It was no use, the petite woman would've had more effect on a stone than the sturdy, unyielding form of the former sergeant.
Catching the muscled arms of the man, Amanda held Abraham from behind next to Rosita, trying to drag him off of Eugene, lifting her head towards the door, looking for Rick.
He was still standing at the door, glaring at Eugene with that stark, dour expression over his face, his eyes curt like frustrated gemstones in fury.
Amanda realized then even though he wasn't attacking Eugene, Rick was as angry as Abraham.
"Rick!" she shouted, holding his gaze, and they shared a glance for a split second, her hands still trying to get the big man away, wishing for her damn gun instead.
Amanda didn't do this stuff like this. This wasn't her style. She didn't make direct contact like this. "RICK—!" she screamed at him, hooking her arms around Abraham's neck for a choke to hold him back as her eyes held Rick's.
Stop it!
Amanda didn't say it out loud, but his eyes on hers, he finally reacted and approaching over them in long quick strides, he drew his gun and smacked Abraham at the back of his neck.
The big man turned limp in their grip then slipping off, he fell on Eugene.
The fake scientist groaned with the weight shift still half-unconscious as Rick tucked back his gun in his waistband under his shirt then turned on his heel and walked out of the house without a word.
Quickly drawing away from the listless men, Amanda followed him outside. "Rick—" she called out to him on the porch before he took down the steps. "Rick!"
He paused on the steps and turned aside to him. Still silently, Rick stared at her as Amanda searched for an answer for her unspoken inquiry. She'd seen that look before, in the woods after Maggie died, Amanda saw it in his eyes when Rick glared at Father Gabriel.
They looked at each other for a few seconds again, both of them not speaking, before Rick shook his head furiously, breaking the silence. "You could've died out there for nothing!" he spat angrily, his arm rising in the air.
His eyes were even more glazed now, more cutting with an edge as sharp as a razor, "For nothing!"
Amanda didn't react, just repeated what she'd told him in the woods. "I don't want any more death, Rick."
Her voice was firm, so were her eyes, much like his. Holding her gaze, Rick jerked his head towards the house. "Then make sure to keep Ford away from him."
He didn't add anything else, just turned and left the house, and he didn't need to. Amanda understood what he had truly meant. Make sure to keep Abraham away, because the next time Rick might not stop the man.
So, half of this book is completed. If you enjoy reading it, please let me know. I'd like to hear what you think! Thanks.