After an hour or so alone at home, Chris was almost ready to admit defeat. Every time she closed her eyes, she was back in a dark windowless van feeling scared.
She remembered what a therapist had told them in training, that victims can experience flashbacks and that the offer to talk always should come, but you need to be prepared to stay in control. Help guide them through the ordeal, always reminding them they are in a safe place.
And so she tries to tell herself she is safe, she survived, twice now, and that everything will go back to normal.
Rationally Chris knows all that but her subconscious is slow to catch up.
A sudden knock on her door even makes her jump and spill some tea on the living room rug.
"Crap", leaves her mouth while she hastily checks if she got some on her clothes too and walking to the door.
Who could've come up to her floor without ringing the doorbell downstairs? There was only one person she could think of and so she pulls open her door.
But it isn't Molly standing there and Chris almost does a double-take. With furrowed brows she wordless motions for Street to come in.
He looks guilty and she would almost say ashamed, but why?
She takes a seat back with her tea and curls up under the blanket.
"How are you feeling?", she can hear the worry in his voice and see the care in his eyes and Chris lowers her gaze immediately not wanting to break down and show how much this day has affected her.
She has to stay strong. Because having him take care of her now, would not be helping to keep it together and her emotions in check.
"I am okay, nothing happened," she replies and tries to keep her voice steady and unattached.
"Do you want to talk about it anyway?" he offers, and Chris can feel him change his seat, so he is closer to her. When his fingers touch her shoulder, it takes all of her willpower not to jump and the tears sitting at the brim of her eyes start flowing freely.
"Hey, Chris. You are safe. I am here," he pulls her into his arms and just rubs circles on her back.
And Chris can't help but feel safer immediately, but that doesn't stop the tears just heightens her confusion.
Instinctively Chris burrows deeper into his shoulder as sobs rock her body. After a while, when the tears have slowed down and she can breathe normally again, Chris breathes in his scent. A scent she can't help but associate with him and she gets a little startled by the warm, tingling feeling sweeping all over her. So, she pulls away and scoots to the end of the sofa, reaching for a blanket to wrap herself and keep some of that warmth with her.
"Sorry," she gestures to the wet stains on his shirt while forcing her lips into a half-smile.
Chris can see the worry in his eyes, but there is something else there for a minute. Something she can't put her finger on immediately and as a way of distracting herself, she tries focusing on that. On reading the mask Jim Street put in place the second he realized she was studying him.
Chris wipes at her face. She can only imagine what her face looks like right now. She hadn't exactly cleaned off all the makeup she had put on to play her character.
When she finally focuses on Street again his worried expression is still there, but she can also see a soft smile.
"You don't have to apologize for this. That can be washed. What is more important is that you are okay. I need to be sure you are okay." she can barely hear the final part of his statement and realizes with a start that he is blaming himself for her experience today.
"I will be okay. It just," she stops and tries to sound it out in her head, first. Will admitting this make her weak? Chris shakes her head at her inner voice, gulps down the lump, and continues "It just was sort of like déjà vu, being throw into a dark van and not knowing. I was back, being a teen. That wasn't your fault. Hondo said the door wasn't in the blueprints. You couldn't have known."
Chris feels better focusing on his ordeal. And going off his reaction he had been beating himself up for getting her into trouble.
"Don't think I didn't realize you are changing the subject here..." Street teases for a moment before his face turns to a frown. "I, god, I am to blame. I should've seen that the layout wasn't right. I sat in front of those blueprints..." he starts mumbling and only stops when Chris reaches over.
"Hey, stop it. Erika told me you found me for them. You did everything right." she tries to find his eyes, but he keeps his gaze lowered.
"When they radioed in that Benni was out cold and you were missing," Street continues to stammer on "I was frozen for a second or two. I was afraid," he admits quietly, and Chris can't help but pull him back into a hug. This time to comfort him and convince him there is nothing wrong.
"You found me. You helped to save me. You are here now. You did, and you are doing everything you can." Chris repeats a little more forcefully now and searches for his eyes again.
When he still won't look at her, she moves her hand to his cheek, reveling at the contact and trying to keep the butterflies in check that threaten to fly, "Look at me and believe me. I don't blame you. You did everything you could. Thank you."
At that, she can feel his arms tighten around her and when his breath hits her neck, she even enjoys the shiver down her spine. She can't deny she feels incredibly safe with him.
And still, her stomach drops a little when her brain reminds her, she needs to build back the boundaries and figure out how to deal with her feelings if she wants to keep his friendship.
They talk a little more until Chris checks the time and assures Street, she will be okay alone tonight. She can see that he is reluctant to leave her alone, so she adds a promise to call him if she has a nightmare and he leaves with a soft smile on his lips, after a lingering hug.
Now her head is swirling again. Did he feel that pull too? What were the next steps now?
In her dreams, Chris saw her fantasy life. Both of them happy and together and she even wakes up with a smile in the morning until the realization hits that that was just a dream and can't happen in reality.
The next morning Chris gets ready really early and decides to head into HQ to try and get her head straight.
The dreams and the conflicting feelings in her heart confused and scared her even more than the memory of the dark van. She already has her headphones in, playing soft music when she steps out into the hall. She sees the door across move at about the same time and when Benni steps out with relief on his face she can't help but smirk.
"I am so glad I caught you. Do you have a minute and can give me a lift?" He sheepishly asks and Chris chuckles in response.
"Your nurse's service doesn't include taxi services?" she replies with a wink.
"Molly has to be in court early today, so no." Benni shakes his head now laughing too. While they traded those few sentences, Molly poked her head out and handed over his backpack. The women locked eyes and Chris was a little confused by the serious look Molly gave her. She noted she'd have to ask about that later and touch base to connect the dots to figure that out.
The drive to HQ is spent going over yesterday's operation and if they could've done something different when Benni suddenly asks.
"Did Street mention any photos he might have taken to you?"
Chris tilts her head for a moment and is surprised to realize Street hadn't. She had hoped he would not take pictures but realistically she knew he had. The state of their clothes and hair... she lets her thoughts trail off.
"Mhh, maybe because the operation got a little crazy, he felt no need to?" She knows that sounds ridiculous, but one can hope right.
"He was very conscious in keeping Molly from seeing us." Benni continues and Chris's head whips around. "Eyes on the Road." He quips.
"Seriously? Now I want to see the footage. Must've looked convincing..." Chris smirks. And Benni just mumbles, „I hope not, and if so someone should delete that footage." Making Chris laugh.
Chris was still laughing at the grumpy man beside her when they pulled into the parking lot.
"Stop it. This isn't funny." Benni snapped at her.
"Okay," Chris lifts her arms in defense. "Come on, you know Molly wouldn't think bad about that. She knows you. She trusts you and me for that matter." she tries calming him down.
Benni hangs his head and with a sigh he admits. "Yeah, I know that. But" he lifts his eyes, "I don't know I just don't trust Street with that footage."
That stops Chris dead in her tracks. She furrows her brows and stares at Benni.
"Why?" she manages to press out.
Benni gestures for her to walk with him and Chris can see the fear in his eyes. That worries her.
They chose a bench at the far end of the lot where they can see if anyone approaches. And somehow Chris's stomach drops even before Benni starts talking.
"These past few weeks with Street slowly, very slowly remembering I struggled. And I still don't know if he has given up on Molly." he takes a break and Chris would swear he was near tears.
"I can't help but be afraid, what if..." his voice breaks.
"Hey, stop that. Molly wouldn't do that. And she didn't help him to hurt you. They have a history."
Chris stops when Benni lifts his head, his eyes are shimmering wet. "I am still scared to lose her."
Chris smiles at him. "Then tell her that. And now, we sadly have to go get ready." she gets up and motions to her watch.
"Let's get into the ring, and you exhaust yourself as best as you can to get your head out of these dark clouds. I promise everything will be okay." and after a beat, she adds with a wink "and if the footage is that bad, I'll delete it myself!"
That gets him laughing again and that is exactly how they walk inside. Laughing.
A few heads turn their way but neither Chris nor Benni care.
Walking out of the locker room after changing Chris walks to the ring where she expects Benni to wait for her. She had sent a quick text to Molly if she was free for dinner tonight. That conversation with Benni this morning had her a little worried, and combined with the look her friend had sent her at the door, Chris could honestly say she is confused.
At ring she doesn't only find Benni but Tan who is also looking for a sparring partner. Chris motions for them to go ahead and heads for the bikes.