A/N: Is everyone ok? I know I'm not. I love the challenge of writing intense emotions and I knew that I wanted to push some boundaries with them. But still. I apologize.

Ok, so this first scene here has a REALLY important soundtrack: AG, Rey - Trouble Don't.

This might sound weird but after all the things I've written so far in this story, this might be the scene I would love most to see in the show. It lived rent free in my head for days. I really hope you like it.

Olivia loved Amanda's body. Loved everything about it. She didn't know how much time she had spent mapping it, worshipping it, loving it. She had done it long before their first kiss, without knowing it.

So when the blonde got out of the shower, water running down her collar bones, her slightly flushed skin, her somewhat scarred but beautiful stomach, it took everything Olivia had not to look at her.

Because it was instinct. Almost animalistic.

But she couldn't look at her.

Not without falling apart.

So she forced her eyes to stay locked to the mirror. Mechanically moving her hand to her face to continue with the mundane task of applying her make up.

She didn't look when Amanda untangled the towel on her head and let her messy and damp hair fall down her back. It had gotten so long. So wavy.

But she didn't look.

Not after last night.

"Just stop, Amanda."

"Stop? You want me to stop? Stop what? Caring so much? Loving you? Is that what you fucking want?"

No, she couldn't look.

Amanda was not known for her poker face. At all. She scoffed or rolled her eyes when she was annoyed. Cried when she was moved or sad. Frowned when she was angry. Bit her lip when she was anxious or embarrassed.

It made her a terrible liar, and even worse at hiding her emotions. Especially around people she knew and loved.

But her expression was as blank as a white piece of paper when she wrapped the towel around her body and looked at herself in the mirror next to Olivia.

They were so close. Close enough for their shoulders to touch if one of them just moved a couple of inches. Amanda braced herself, because if she felt Olivia's skin against hers right now, she was sure she was going to break.

Break and never recover.

"You called me a hypocrite once. But it's you, Olivia. You're the fucking hypocrite."

"If I'm such a fucking hypocrite, why are you even here?"

Her eyes were drawn towards Olivia's shoulder. But she stopped herself just in time because she knew what she would see there.

And she hated herself for it.

She wondered if Olivia's dress would be able to cover up the bruise.

She didn't even want to think about the ones on her hips and thighs.

But she did think about them, especially when she reached for the foundation to cover up her own mark on her neck.

It wasn't supposed to happen, wasn't supposed to get so completely out of control.

I didn't mean to hurt her so much.

The silence between them was suffocating and Amanda suddenly felt the need to scream. But they had done enough of that last night. She wasn't even sure if her voice would be able to carry her words if she opened her mouth to speak.

So she didn't.

And neither did Olivia.

The brunette checked her reflection one last time before she quietly exited the bathroom.

She closed the door on her way out. Leaving Amanda alone with that fucking mark on her neck, and the feeling of being strangled by her own emotions.

She stopped what she was doing and listened for sounds. Any sound.

Nothing.

She wished they hadn't asked Lucy to take the kids the night before. She wished they hadn't stayed for more than those two drinks they had initially planned.

Maybe then, all of this could've been avoided.

At least if the kids had been there, they would've had a reason not to scream at each other at 3 am, to not... touch each other like that.

And if the kids had been there, they would've at least had a reason to act like everything was fine.

But it really wasn't.

Everything was broken.

Not a word was said as they left the apartment. Not a word was said in the car.

So broken.

Halfway through the parking garage with Olivia five steps ahead of her, Amanda couldn't take it anymore.

"Liv..."

The brunette stopped dead in her tracks, almost stumbling a little in her high heels, before she turned around slowly.

"Liv, I can't..." Suddenly every single emotion she had spent the entire morning suppressing came bubbling up and she heard her voice crack. "Please, just... look at me."

"Can we deal with this when we get home? Let's just... Be there for Fin and Phoebe."

Deal with this?

Deal with what exactly? Your refusal to acknowledge that you're in danger? Our relationship? Is this her way of breaking up?

"Fine."

But it wasn't fine. At all.

"Mama!"

"Hi baby." Amanda had never been more grateful for the distraction of kids when Jesse came running towards her.

"You look so pretty! Just like a princess."

Jesse smiled shyly before she did a little twirl.

"And you, too, Billie." Amanda said as she picked the toddler up and kissed her cheek.

"How did you get her to sit still long enough to do her hair like that?"

"Disney channel and a lollipop." Sienna shrugged while smiling at Billie.

"Noted."

Amanda allowed herself to glance over at where Olivia was kneeling next to Noah, straightening his little bow tie. She wondered for a second if she did it just to keep her hands busy, to stop them from fidgeting.

"Girls, let's go sit down."

"Noah, why don't you sit next to Jesse."

Really, Liv? You can't even sit next to me?

She forced herself to focus on the scene that played out in front of them. Phoebe looking as gorgeous as ever in her cream-colored dress, and Fin looking like a kid on Christmas morning in his black suit.

For a moment she almost managed to forget about last night's events, and when Fin said "I do", she let her tears fall, mostly from joy for her friend and former partner, partly from pure heartache.

She had imagined saying those words to Olivia. Proudly announcing to the world that this, this, was the woman she was going to share her life with.

It felt so out of reach now. Heart-wrenchingly impossible.

"Mom, are you crying?" Noah suddenly asked, pulling Amanda from her thoughts.

"Weddings, Noah. I'm just happy for Fin and Phoebe."

"Then why do you look sad?"

She didn't answer and Amanda knew why.

Amanda knew exactly why Olivia was crying, and why she looked so sad.

How the brunette managed to get up from her chair and clink her knife against her glass an hour later, she would never quite understand.

But that was Olivia Benson. Completely shattered and still standing.

"Fin, Phoebe, I think it's safe to say that this is the least expected wedding I've ever been to. I don't think I'll ever get used to the thought of you being a married man."

She raised her glass towards Fin and pointed her finger at him.

"Hey, is this a roast or a toast, captain?"

"I promise I'll behave. I won't mention that time you almost got me blown up by a pizza box. Or, that time you almost got both of us fired because of your little Cuban 'vacation'".

"But I will say this." She continued when the laughter died down. "Sometimes love sneaks up on us, and into our lives. And suddenly you've found something you didn't even know you were looking for. Something you didn't even know was missing."

Amanda wasn't entirely sure, but she could've sworn her eyes locked with Olivia's for just a second.

"And that's what I see when I look at you two. An unexpected love that turned out to be exactly what you needed. I'm so happy for you, and I wish you years and years of profound happiness and endless joy."

She wiped away a single tear before she raised her glass again. "To Fin and Phoebe. From the bottom of my heart, congratulations."

"Will you dance with me?"

Amanda breathed a sigh of relief when Noah walked up to her and interrupted her stare towards Olivia.

"Sure, bud." She said as she stood up and grabbed his hand. "But remember, you're the dancer. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"I'll show you."

"Why do grownups cry so much at weddings?" He asked after giving her a quick dance lesson that did nothing to improve her coordination.

"Because... We want to see the people we love being happy."

"Like you make mom happy."

She clenched her teeth and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds, blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall from her tired eyes.

I tried, Noah. I really tried.

"Yeah. Something like that, sweet boy."

When the song was over, he briskly guided her back to the table, but when she was about to sit down he kept walking. "You have to dance with her now."

"I think she's a little busy, Noah."

"Mom!"

You're as stubborn as your mother, aren't you.

Olivia turned her head and looked confused for a second, ignoring Amanda's eyes completely, before giving Noah a short smile. "What, honey?"

"You have to dance with Amanda."

The blonde bit her lip and stared down at the floor.

"Now?"

"Yes! I told uncle Sonny to play your favorite song."

"My fav-"

But then she heard it.

That piano music.

Sitting in the car. Amanda singing. That first night at the cabin.

Olivia wasn't entirely sure how she was able to move her legs, but she did. She walked towards Amanda, grabbed her hand and guided them to the dance floor.

I never felt like this with somebody

I never thought I'd feel like I do

I never felt this close with somebody

Somebody, somebody but you

I never had this rush in my body

I never thought I'd feel something new

I never felt this close with somebody

Somebody, somebody but you

They didn't really move. It was more of a swaying hug than anything else.

Come back to me, Liv. Let me know that we're still us.

Just when the song ended, Amanda leaned back just a little and for the first time since the night before they locked eyes for more than just a short moment.

"Liv..." Her voice cracked for a second time that day and she wondered how much she could take before breaking down.

"Please, say something."

Olivia looked like she was about to open her mouth to speak, but then her eyes moved down to Amanda's neck.

The makeup had covered up the most of it, but she knew that it was there. Just like the marks on her own body. She didn't need to see it to feel her stomach turn.

Since she was a teenager she had fought against that side of her. That anger, and violence, that lived there, just waiting to break free. Sometimes it felt like that anger was all she had.

Looking at Amanda's neck where her hand had been the night before, it dawned on her.

Maybe she had it all wrong.

It wasn't that she wasn't meant to be loved.

Maybe she wasn't meant to love.

"Sorry, I... I can't." And then she walked away.

She was halfway down the big hall, on her way to the restrooms when a hand grabbed her arm and spun her around.

"Liv, please."

"Not now, Amanda."

Not unless you want that black dress covered in vomit.

"When? When we get home with the kids? Tomorrow morning around the breakfast table? Or have you already decided that you're going home alone?"

Olivia clenched her teeth and breathed heavily through her nose, willing herself to get control on the contents in her anxious stomach.

"Wh- I haven't decided anything. But I'm not doing this here in the middle of a wedding."

"Doing what? Breaking up? Is that what this is?"

"What? No! Is that what you want?"

"No, shit... I just..."

"You just what, Amanda?"

"I don't know! I don't know what you want me to say, or do. I'm just... I'm worried about you and you can't even look at me!"

"Stop worrying about me."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously."

"You know what... Fuck you and your fucking denial."

She turned to walk away but it was Olivia's turn to grab her now.

"You're right. I'm going home alone."

"Fine." Amanda said as she roughly pulled her arm free of Olivia's grip.

She walked away and with her back turned she didn't see Olivia's tears or her quivering chin.

With her back turned, she didn't see Olivia walk with hurried steps into the restrooms.

And with her back turned she didn't notice the tall man that followed her in there.

A/N: DUN F'ING DUN.