Now that things were looking up between Brittany and Santana, Brittany really wanted to talk to her parents. It's bugging her like crazy. She knows they have a plane to catch, and after she and Santana made love Santana just seemed exhausted from all of the emotions and lack of sleep from the night before. She tried hard to stay awake, but kept drifting off to sleep. Brittany held her for a little while and then showered and dressed, hoping to stir Santana, but Santana was fast asleep. Brittany decided the only way that she was going to talk to her parents was by telephone, and so it would have to do. She had to get this off her chest. She packed their things from the night before and went to the sitting area to make the call before she had to wake Santana.
Pierce answered the phone, surprised to hear from his daughter before she arrived at her honeymoon. Still, he knew exactly what the call was about. He knows his little girl well.
"Hey honey bunny."
"Hey dad."
"I know what this is about. Give me a second to get your mom in here."
Pierce goes to get his wife who was having breakfast with some of the others downstairs. They head up to their room so that they could talk in private.
"Hey honey, I'm here. Good morning." Whitney says.
"Good morning." Brittany replies.
"Let me just speak", Pierce says. "The money isn't an issue, and was never a part of our retirement plans. It's why we have a pension, and we managed to save for our future and yours. That money was coming to you one way or another."
"I don't understand. All of that struggling when I was younger. Why would you let us struggle?"
"Have you ever missed a meal, Brittany?" Pierce asks. "Has the house ever been in disrepair? Were the lights, the heat, the water, the taxes paid? Yes. Did we still find ways to get you dance classes? Yes. So what? I drove a beat up truck. I liked my truck. Sometimes I had to wait to make repairs, it wasn't an emergency. How bad did you really have it Brittany?"
"I had to make spare money any way I could. I got teased all of the time."
"You wanted to be a dancer. You needed to learn about dedication and sacrifice when you chose the arts. We would be dedicating a lot of time and money to help you pursue it, we needed to know if it was a hobby or did it mean more to you. We didn't want you to be like those other kids, no focus, throwing money into things that are just phases for them, never really taking it seriously. If dance was your true love, then nobody's words or actions could take that away from you, and money wouldn't keep you from it", Whitney said.
"When my father died, I got a call to go back to the UK for the funeral. Your uncle and I had a falling out because I refused. I had no need to say goodbye to him, he said goodbye to me when he walked out on his wife and children. He left me $250,000 in life insurance payouts. I didn't want it, and your idiot uncle wasn't getting it either. Your grandfather had never given me anything other than his DNA, and my forgiveness for that wasn't for sale. Your uncle wanted it for some business investment, and he said his share alone wouldn't do. Challenged me that if I hated him so much why would I take his money. He wasn't getting it. Your uncle is an ass and he probably spent his $250,000 before the funeral even took place. I did not go, but I did take the check. I took it because I'm not a fool, and I could use it to secure your future. I had been investing maybe $500 to $1000 a year at that time, and I decided to invest the entire $250,000 when I got the check. I didn't need his help to support my wife or child, but to give you the gift of a better future I could never have too much pride for that. So that's the reason I never used any of that money, and I never would. It's the only thing I can say I respect about your grandfather, that he gave my child a wonderful gift. Besides, I didn't need it. So what my truck was crap? Lots of families don't have a truck at all. You earning money gave you a good work ethic and taught you to determine what was valuable to you, and that's something that comes from working for your own dreams. You wearing old sneakers, I would laugh in my head as your friends spent $200 on a pair of Nikes. I would silently thank them, because they had Nike sneakers but you had Nike stock. Their parents were working to pay my daughter. You don't know how many times we would laugh with your grandparents at the irony of that, the ones who looked down on us working to pay for something we have ownership in. Your sneakers may have been older and more worn, but never were they tattered or torn. Your clothes may have needed to be mended, but Brittany you would try a new dance move or flip and brand new clothes would come home ruined after the first wear. It was ok, it was your clothes, and you were practicing your art, but you also didn't care if you were wearing your best or worst clothes you were going to flip when you felt like flipping, and so you had to get used to mended clothes."
Brittany laughed at the memories. It was true, Brittany's parents had to have clothes for special occasions that they kept tucked away because she would ruin everything. Brittany had always been a great dancer, but when she added acro dance and gymnastics to the mix she was almost hyper focused, and once she mastered doing an aerial she would break one out whenever she could. She may have gotten teased, or wore clothes that were not as nice as some of the other kids, but when she danced, when she did things nobody else around her could do, her abilities made her feel like she had something she knows that they secretly wished they had. Their money couldn't buy the talent she possessed. To be honest, her parents did try replacing torn clothes at first, but it didn't work. She just couldn't stop the buzzing in her body until she tried something she'd been waiting to try, and many clothing items suffered the consequences.
"The best part of it all Brittany, was that it made you such a loving soul. Your friends were your true friends who didn't care what you wore. You befriended kids that had a lot less than you and they felt accepted in your presence. It was how I grew up, and I feel like I've had more genuine connections in my life than I would have had if Joan and Dan were not my parents. Most of all, you learned not to try and keep up with the Jonses. You learned to be happy when you had the things you needed in life, and we all as a family, yourself included, made sure that you had what you needed to dance. I think it may have even made you a better dancer, because you believed you needed those scholarships and so you pushed. It gave you an edge. You worked hard because you knew you needed those costumes to dance, and if you didn't truly love it then it would have been revealed because you wouldn't have been hustling to help pay for them. Brittany, parents make decisions in how we raise our kids. Sometimes they aren't the right ones. I don't know if you feel if this was right or wrong, all I can say is we love the woman you became, and I know we had something to do with that." Whitney said.
She wishes she could hug her parents right then. They may have had less, but they were not unlike the Lopezes. Everything they did was to make their only child a good human being first and foremost. Brittany began to feel her anger recede.
"And how about your futures? Honestly, I don't need the money. I know you say you have enough, but you can have even more," Brittany asked.
"We are just fine. Our home is paid for. We have our pensions, and our own portfolio. It's far smaller than yours, but it will do the trick. Besides, of course you need it. One day you and Santana will have your own children. You're going to learn from the things we did wrong and you're going to make your own mistakes. We really don't care what you do with the money, but instead of resenting it the way that I did why don't you think of something that will really make a difference in your life? Just because I resented your grandfather does not mean that you have to, I mean you never even met the man. He didn't walk out on you. That's my issue to overcome. I'm ok if his soul finds it's redemption through his grandchild instead of his child."
"What about the house the Lopezes gave us? How do you feel about that?"
"We think it's wonderful. Last night the Lopezes told us so many stories of their time away bonding in that house. It was Santana's safe place, it's very special to her. Her abuela lives less than an hour away and they have a special connection to one another. When she was there her family was usually enjoying good times. You told us to give gifts with meanings. Both of your gifts had deep meanings to us. He says time in that house kept his family strong. That money we gave you in part represents the only good memory I have of my father. Forget about money Brittany. Go enjoy your wife. Go start your life together. She doesn't get a lot of time off and it will be a while before you can have this much time together again. Get to the airport and we will talk to you in a week. We love you girls. It's been an awesome weekend and we'll be heading out this evening. We're heading out fishing soon. Give Santana our love and have a great time honey bunny."
"Thanks mom, thanks dad."
"Have a safe trip, honey."
Brittany goes to wake Santana so she can get ready. The car would be there in 40 minutes to take them to the airport. She paused a moment just to watch her wife sleep. She stopped and thought about the night before, about the fact that they had been so distracted in their first almost two years together that many conversations that people have before marriage hadn't taken place between them. They had three conversations with the priest before the wedding, mandatory premarital sessions of sorts, and they seemed to pass that test with flying colors. Maybe it gave them a false sense of confidence that they knew all they needed to know. Meantime she had spent months recovering from surgery and more months trying to dance again. Meanwhile Santana worked a pretty hectic schedule. Sometimes she would come home so mentally and physically exhausted she wouldn't even want dinner. Then there was the sex, well, many conversations have ended in sex, which means they hadn't been learning how each of them work together, at least not beyond a physical sense. Many stressful nights ended in sex. Many happy nights ended in sex.
They didn't have time to go away together, other than to Bethel to visit her grandparents that time and the first trip to the Hamptons, where a near argument had turned into sex and a proposal. The only other getaway was the night they spent in the Hamptons with Kurt and Blaine. Time flies, and the time they had together didn't really address their pasts too much, especially their relationship history and how that shaped who they are now. Really, all Brittany knew about was the infinite amount of one night stands Santana seemed to have. Sure, she heard a little about Matthew and Danielle, but she doesn't even know why she broke up with them. She talked about a couple of other tries at relationships that went nowhere but she didn't say why. When Brittany tried to ask if she had ever had her heart broken she would always say no, that she didn't believe that she had ever been in love before, but now Brittany was confused, because if she didn't love Danielle how could she become so vulnerable to her? Something seems to be missing.
Santana seems like she has trouble understanding her own emotions, she keeps her heart locked away from harm. At least she did until Brittany. But now those emotions seem to be overwhelming to her, and not always in a good way.
They knew each other, but then they didn't. They knew the joy but not the pain. Some of the stories they shared Brittany hadn't made the connection of what they meant. She had spoken about how she wondered who she would be if her dad had fully embraced life on the uppity side of the fence as she liked to call it or if she had at the very least grown up solidly middle class. She felt sometimes like she was in the middle of two extremes. Brittany never thought it was really that important. That's because she had ignored the signs of Santana's wealth.
That insane Manhattan view that offers views of 3 different directions in Manhattan. The Hamptons house. The Porsche. Brittany doesn't know much about cars but she knows Santana jokes that she drives a 911 because she's a doctor. It's a black on black convertible that Santana calls her sex machine. She does get looks when she drives that car, she can imagine the number of women she took for a ride in that thing. She just chose to ignore just how much money it took to have those things, and she couldn't understand how having money would cause any real hardships in life. It didn't make sense to her so she didn't really pay it much attention.
But now she has to replay some of it in her head while looking at it from a different angle, because Santana asked her to hold some of her pain for a while. She doesn't understand what that means, and asking people to elaborate reminds her of when people thought she was stupid. Maybe that's why she missed whatever Santana was trying to tell her. Maybe she didn't understand, and she hates to think that she couldn't understand something important.
Santana had admitted a lot of things this morning. Brittany decided she has to admit that she doesn't understand. It's ok. Santana will explain it. Santana will let her know what she's supposed to be holding.
Sometimes people would think she was weird, the things that she would say. Just look at her first conversation with Santana, she still slaps herself in the forehead over that one. Sometimes she had trouble processing what others tried to say to her. She's much better at it now, but as a child sometimes it felt like she was just floating through a moment. Still, it's hard to admit when she doesn't understand something. But Santana had been so brave this morning, and she's never admitted to Santana how hard it is to process things or express herself sometimes. It doesn't happen all of the time but Santana must have noticed it before. Still, she didn't notice it last night and it ended up with them arguing. Brittany vows to try and be more honest when she is having one of those foggy moments. She's going to start by being honest and admitting to Santana that she doesn't understand what Santana is asking of her by asking her to hold some of her pain. It feels very important, and so she wants to make sure she gets it right for her wife.
Maybe she can just talk to Mike about it, because Mike already knows that she thinks differently.
But Quinn is right, they're married now so they should speak to each other first when they can.
Brittany gently wakes Santana, and guides her towards the shower. The car will be there to pick them up in a half an hour. While Santana is getting ready Brittany takes a moment to text Quinn.
Thank you for last night. Just wanted to let you know that we are ok.~B
I'm so glad to hear that. Have the best honeymoon ever. This weekend was so awesome! Love you girls!~Q
After that Brittany sat and waited for Santana, who had thrown on some comfortable travel clothes. They checked out and got into the waiting town car that whisked them off to the airport. As they waited for their flight they grabbed a bite to eat and chatted about the best parts of their weekend.
They seemed to be settling into their old selves, except that both of them had an agenda in the back of their minds. Yes, they would have copious amounts of hot newlywed sex, but they would make sure to also have equal amounts of getting to know you better time.
Santana did a lot of sleeping on the flight to San Francisco, which was where the one hour layover was until their flight to Maui. Brittany alternated between staring out of the window at the clouds and watching the in flight movie selections. She was having one of her energy buzzes again. As Santana woke up and decided to use the bathroom she seemed in better spirits. She gave her wife a soft smile.
"Sorry I haven't been the best company. Had sex with an amazing blonde this morning and it was like taking a sleeping pill. Knocked me right out."
"That good huh?"
"Best I've ever had, and I've had some of the best", Santana says coyly. "Gonna run to the bathroom with all of my newfound energy after that rest."
"Hmmm, since you have a thing for blondes and I'm blonde, wanna join the mile high club?"
"Already a card carrying member babe." Santana says with a smile. "Plus, wouldn't want to get hit with a taser when I may have a chance with that sexy blonde from this morning again. Heard she had some naughty underwear she wanted to debut."
"Ugh, I'm so jealous. Thought I was finally going to get my membership card." Brittany said, pouting playfully.
"Stick with me babe, you'll be a card carrying member before you know it."
It always made Brittany a little confused when she traveled between time zones, especially if she had to travel between multiple time zones like today. They would arrive in San Francisco which was a 3 hour difference from New York, but Maui is a 6 hour difference from New York. All this to say is that she is going to be terribly tired from travel after the weekend they've had. They didn't arrive to the resort that they were staying at until 6pm, exhausted and ready to find some dinner and sleep. They showered, changed, and decided to order in and start fresh the next day.
The resort was beautiful, and they were able to do a lot of sight seeing, and a lot of seeing one another in bikinis, which ended with them having a lot of sex. But better than a lot of sex, is that they had come up with the idea of what they labeled "extreme courting". They decided they would go on a date a day to make up for all of the dates that they didn't have, all of the things that people who meet under less strenuous circumstances do in order to get to know one another better. Most of the dates were lighthearted, a 20 questions kind of thing while sipping mimosas or taking a walk. Favorite childhood memories, best childhood friend, first time you got your heart broken. They were filling in the gaps, learning a lot about one another. Santana's answers were very telling, and Brittany was starting to understand better her closed nature and how she processed her fear and loneliness. She listed abuela as her best childhood friend, and it kind of made Brittany sad. Her first heartbreak involved a kid she thought was a friend getting mad at her and telling all the other kids not to play with her so they didn't. Santana was also learning more about her wife, how she had this deep need to prove to the world that she fit. That she may do things differently but that didn't make her different.
"What's the weirdest thing that you think that we have in common that makes us a perfect fit for one another?" Santana asked her, when they were having one of their silly 20 questions sessions. Some of them would be funny, sometimes serious, sometimes sexy, sometimes sad. This one was on the quirky side, as they rested after walking a trail and stumbling upon a beautiful waterfall that offered a spot that gave them some seclusion.
"Hmmm I guess that you are left handed and I think I'm left brained."
"What do you mean, Britt?"
"Well you do things with your left hand, and sometimes it looks like you're doing things backwards to some people, but that's just how you do things, and it feels right to you, and it's just as good as anyone else does things. I know some things may be a little harder, like when I saw you try and play pop pop's guitar and you told me you play a lot better on a left handed guitar, but you can still learn to do it and make it work, it's just different. Sometimes that's how my brain works. I don't have a disability like they tried to imply when I was in school, it's just a different way of thinking. Like for most people math is the hardest but it's super easy for me, I just can't describe how I get the correct answer because the way they teach it in school is wrong to me. They tried to tell me I was wrong but I always got the right answer. They couldn't understand how I got my answer and I couldn't understand how they got theirs, but we both were right. It's kinda like being left handed."
Santana smiled. She loved the way Brittany's brain worked. She loved the way she could just reduce what people try to make the most complicated thing into the simplest thing in the world. It was the sweetest, most innocent truth in the world when she spoke to you, and it was one of the things Santana loved most about her. She thought that moment would be a good moment to tell her and so she did.
"Never change, Britt. It's one of the things I loved about you from the start. Our first conversation had me truly smitten with you, I just couldn't be honest about it because I was your doctor."
"Do you ever think I'm naive or stupid?"
"Brittany no, never, not once."
"Sometimes I have a hard time saying things, and it can lead to misunderstandings with people. It's happened twice with us. It happened when you asked me to move in with you, and it happened on our wedding night."
"Maybe it wasn't the way you said it that was the problem, maybe it's the way I understood it. You know, I've been reading about communication online and I found a really interesting exercise I want to try with you. When we want to have a very serious conversation we sit face to face and give our 100 percent attention and then we repeat what we think the other one said. That way if one of us is receiving the message in a way the other didn't intend we straighten it out right away before an argument develops."
"That sounds great San, like can you give me an example?"
"Ummm, sure. Is there anything on your mind that you wanted to talk about that we can use to start the conversation."
"Umm, there is one thing." Brittany paused.
"Don't worry Britt, I'm never going to get mad and walk away again, you can ask anything."
"No that's not it, Santana, I want you to stop acting like I'm afraid of you or something. And I know you're never going to use those tiny little legs to storm off on me again."
Both ladies laugh.
"So go ahead then, Britt."
"I just don't want to bring up sad things."
"I have tools to deal with sad things, I'm a doctor remember? I deal with sad things multiple times a week sometimes."
Sometimes it's easy for Brittany to forget that because Santana doesn't talk about work at home too often, especially when it's sad. It must be hard to deal with that sometimes. Brittany made a mental note to put that on the list of things she's learning about her wife, to find out how she copes with that.
"When you said you needed me to hold some of your pain, what does that mean?"
"Are you saying that you didn't understand what I meant when I asked you to hold my pain?" Santana asked. "You see how I repeated your question, to make sure I understood it clearly?"
"Yes, I see. Yes, that's what I'm saying."
"I was saying that I may want to tell you some things to get them off my chest, but I don't want you to solve the problem, I just want you to be an ear and listen. Hold them until I can work them out. Know what's on my heart and mind because you are my wife, and as I deal with each thing I can tell you 'babe, I've dealt with that, and I'm ready to let it go.' That way you won't have to wonder what's going on with me and feel like I'm not letting you in. I just want you to know so if I don't seem like myself you can know where I'm at and that I'm working on it and it has nothing to do with us. I will tell you what's on my mind and I promise to work it out."
Brittany nods.
"Now you tell me what you think that meant, how you heard it, and if you heard it differently than I meant it then I would clarify, and we do that until we are both on the same page and the message has been received."
"Ok, so you're saying that if something is really bothering you then you will tell me that it's on your mind and that you're hurting so that you can be open with me and you will deal with it so it doesn't build up and come between us?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I meant Brittany."
"Ok, I get it."
"Great, because I noticed that we communicate very differently. Sometimes I hold everything in and sometimes you can't hold things in even for a little while. That's why we should also agree on what to do when we talk about things that may be touchy. If one of us is angry or can't give our undivided attention or whatever the case may be, we need to say 'Baby, I need to talk to you about this thing that's on my mind and when do you think it would be the best time to talk about that?' One of us may not be ready at the time and we should be able to be honest and say that. The trick is that we never put off the conversation for too long. We can set an agreed upon time to talk like within a couple of hours or something. We're human. We're not always going to be open to having a particular conversation at any given moment, and that's how arguments start. So let's try and agree that we talk when we are both open to talk. Sometimes I will be required to wait for you and sometimes you will be required to wait for me, but never for an excessive amount of time. If I would have just been able to say calmly 'Brittany, I really don't want to talk about our gifts now but I promise we will talk first thing in the morning over breakfast' it may have calmed us both enough to never have argued. You were pushing to talk and I was pushing to stop you from talking and we butted heads. From now on we do what works best for both of us." Santana says.
"Well, I'm not glad it happened but I'm glad we are extreme courting because I get to talk to you and learn all about you and we are learning how to communicate effectively. I'd rather have one bad argument on my wedding night and an awesome life of healthy love and communication than to not have had that argument and never have gotten to a place where we learned to communicate effectively."
"You have a point, sweetheart."
"Also, I played the night over in my head and I realize the part I played. I should have said we would talk later when I saw you getting upset but I kept going and then I got angry and started bringing up things that had nothing to do with our parents. Not only wouldn't I listen when you asked that we not talk about it on our wedding night but I also can see where it looked like I was criticizing your parents. To be totally honest maybe I was without even realizing it. My parents love your parents, I love your parents, I love my engagement ring, and I loved my dream wedding. I just spent my entire life watching my money and being aware of it and my brain wasn't ready for that night."
Both ladies laughed.
"So I think we can also add that we don't let things pile up, we talk about things as they come up so that doesn't happen again. Throwing all of that stuff at you after our wedding of all things must have been confusing for you." Brittany said. "Sometimes I forget you get confused too because you're a doctor and you're so smart. You know how to put hearts back together and everything."
Santana laughs. "That's just a skill I was taught like a pilot learns to fly a plane or you learned to drive a car. It doesn't make me any smarter or better with my feelings than anyone else in the world. Well just like you told me it's over now. We will no longer apologize for it or talk about it unless it helps move us forward in a healthy way."
"Deal", Brittany says.
"Deal", Santana says.
"Look at us Britt, we're in paradise, we're under a freaking waterfall, we're married, we're bonding. Everything is perfect. I could sit here forever and just talk to you about everything."
"Everything?"
"Yes, everything Britt. What's on your mind?"
"This is where I get confused, because are we allowed to ask about sad things when we're really happy?"
"We can ask anything at any time Britt, and if one doesn't feel like talking about it we will just say it, ok?"
"Ok"
"So ask me anything, mi amor."
"Did you tell me everything about you and Danielle?"
"I think I told you what needed to be said."
"I'm trying to figure out how badly she hurt you, and how she did that if you said you don't think you loved her."
"Well, I've been spending some time figuring that out. It's part of the reason I will be going to a therapist, to understand that. When I was younger sometimes my self esteem would tell me that I didn't deserve better things because I did this or that. I was always waiting for my karma, and I was also always afraid to lose the few people I had in my life. I learned that most with Quinn, actually."
"How?"
"Well she was my best friend, even if we never said it much if at all back then. I never had a romantic feeling for her in my life. She was beautiful, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to sleep with her. We ended up having an argument over some rich asshole she was dating. I grew up around guys like that, so did she, so she should have known better about him. I wouldn't hide that I hated their relationship, and one day we argued and she left and didn't come back for like three nights. I didn't know if she was moving out. I didn't know if she was ending the friendship. For the first time in my life I panicked about losing someone. Since I was scared to lose her, I started to wonder if that feeling was love even though I didn't have a physical desire for her. I never had friends, not close ones, so I never had been truly loved by a friend or loved one back."
"So is that how you ended up sleeping together?"
"Yes and no. It wasn't that romantic", Santana laughs. "She broke up with him, came home, said he accused me of being in love with her so I thought maybe he saw something I didn't see and it kind of validated that maybe I loved her. She wanted to have sex with me, not because of that but because she said she was sometimes attracted to women and she wanted to see what that was about. We made a pact that it was going to be a casual night, we had fun that night and I discovered the difference between friendship and romantic love. I felt nothing but respect for her that night but no desire to start dating her. She discovered that she liked the experience enough to determine that she was sexually fluid though I never have seen her in a real relationship with a woman. She has hooked up with women though. Quinn and I had that in common, we just found it easier not to let people get too close, so hooking up with people during med school became normal for us."
"Glad it didn't mess up your friendship."
"It actually made it stronger. I don't know, it bonded us even more as friends. She knew by that time I only slept with women once and I was done. She knew not to take it personally. I just needed the opportunity to learn the difference between finding love and finding a best friend for life."
"And Danielle?"
"Well, I think I'll go back a little to help you better understand, get this all out of the way. I met Matthew freshman year of college. Really nice guy. Met him at an orientation and he instantly started talking to me and asked me on a date. I felt like college would be my start, away from my parents shadow and how I grew up. I wasn't out yet but up until that point I hadn't ever had sex with a guy, just girls, and I never had a relationship. So I was open to seeing how I felt. I just thought I didn't like the guys I knew because they were so damn full of themselves and immature. Girls were easier. I got to have sex and most of them were too ashamed to admit they liked it so it didn't get complicated. Nobody was demanding that I commit to them or anything. It made my life easy and less lonely"
"I wish I knew you then, Santana."
"I do too Britt. Things would have been a lot different that's for sure. Anyway, Matt and I started to date, and he was just a really nice guy. We had fun, we became official, we had sex and it was nice, but I found my mind wandering back all of the time to how I felt when I was with a woman. As much as I liked Matt and as nice as he was, after six months I couldn't handle it anymore. I went home for winter recess and I slept with a woman. I felt so guilty for that, and then I felt guilty for the intense urges that just wouldn't go away. I really just loved women but wouldn't admit it, because I was in a relationship with a really nice guy. Well then spring break came along and I did it again. I cheated on him again and I started hating myself for it. I wanted to tell him. My family had met him and really liked him. He treated me well and I thought if I gave it time I would grow to love him more. I loved being around him, but the sex was like eating fast food to me, I was never satisfied for more than a few minutes. I thought about having sex with another guy just to see if we were just not compatible but who was I kidding? I knew I was a lesbian. Well then the school year came to an end and over the summer break the very first week I found myself in bed with yet another woman. My family and I had gone on vacation to Miami and I ended up cheating. That was it. I wasn't going to do this until I got caught and hurt him. I decided when we saw each other again I was going to break up with him. So I did. I owed him an explanation, and I came out to him. I didn't have to, I wanted to come out to my family first, but every time I started to something held me back. After summer break I went back to school and had quite a few hookups at that point but nothing serious. Matt and I remained friendly but it was strained even though he understood. His feelings apparently were pretty strong for me. I felt so bad, Britt. When Thanksgiving break rolled around of my sophomore year I came out to my family. They took it really well, and the rest was history. I started dating Danielle towards spring break of my sophomore year."
Santana paused in preparation for the next part of her story.
"She was my first real girlfriend. It was really nice at first. I was openly with a woman who I was faithful to and having a great time. We laughed and dated and the sex was good and we had a lot in common. We were great until the end of junior year." Santana sighs deeply." I brought her home to meet my family. We were going to meet up and the next night head out to the Poconos house for the weekend. When we drove up to my parents house, her expression changed. She was shocked by the gated community, the security, the lawns, the cars. She could smell the money. She asked about my parents, who I had told her before met when they worked in a hospital together. She never asked what they did and I never volunteered any further information. Thinking back if she was really interested in learning more about where I came from she could have asked. After that it seemed like the questions would never stop. By then it was too late. We drove out to the Poconos house in my dad's car, which was far nicer than my old Camry. So she asked me why did I drive that old car, and I said it was because it was what I could afford. She didn't understand why my parents didn't buy me a car when they lived the way they did. I made the mistake of disclosing that they pay for school related things and that's it, not luxuries. When she found out that my education was paid for her whole demeanor changed. Then we pulled up to the Poconos house. Her mouth was agape. You haven't been there yet but it's a nice house with a beautiful view of the mountains. I actually was going to plan our honeymoon there but you mentioned wanting to go to Hawaii when my parents sent those pictures and so I brought you here instead."
Brittany smiled softly at her wife. She loved how Santana listened to the littlest details and made mental notes to give her the things she desired.
"Anyway we had a nice vacation but it's like she was calculating in her head what we have, and she put on a good act about hiding it and my parents actually liked her. After all, she was a nice person. Plus, just like with Quinn, they respected that she was struggling to make something of her life despite her parents throwing her out because she was gay. My papi loves a fighter. So he invited us to come back at the end of the summer and he would take a weekend off so we could go out to the Hamptons house. Well that was the last straw. She heard about the house, then finally saw it, and that was it. She had already been going around talking to our friends like I had infiltrated the friendship group under false pretenses. I guess I had let my guard down thinking that college would be different for me because Matthew didn't really care what I had. It made me feel bad again that things couldn't work between us. But Danielle was a girl and that's what I wanted, right? So I should be able to make it work, I told myself. Well I told you how she became. Snide remarks, snarky little rich girl jokes about how she thought she had been eating fish and had no idea she was eating caviar, just demeaning things that was attacking my self esteem. She would do it in private but mostly in front of our friends, the first friends that I had begun to make in my life. Then I got confused again. I wanted to leave but maybe I did do something wrong by hiding it. Maybe it was my fault she was mad at me. My friends didn't say she was wrong so it had to be me, right? So then she started asking me pay every time we did anything, including going for fast food. Then she would buy drinks for our friends and when the bill came she would hand it to me telling me not to embarrass her in front of our friends, that I had it and they were all struggling, all I had to do is find the balls to ask daddy. I knew it was wrong, but I was in love with the idea of falling in love. I wanted to dream of a life with someone and I tried to with Danielle but I never felt that deeply about her. I didn't realize it until much later. Well anyway, then came the issues we would have surrounding sex."
Santana pauses here. This is the hardest part. This is the part nobody knows but Danielle, the part she is ashamed about.
"She became very disrespectful with me during sex. It was always fast and hard and demeaning after she found out. It was like she was using it to break me down. I just began to reject sleeping with her because I wasn't getting anything healthy or pleasurable out of it, and when I did orgasm I would feel dirty, and that was another blow to my self esteem. I would never initiate it and then began just doing it when she asked so that I could keep us together until we could work things out, because I wanted the old Danielle back, who at the very least was my best friend. She was my first real girlfriend, and I had already failed at a relationship with Matthew. I was so confused Britt, because how could she just change like that and resent me over money that wasn't even mine when she used to tell me that she loved me? I needed to know what I did wrong." Santana looks so sad now, and only then did she realize that her wife had been holding her hand. Brittany knew it was just what she needed.
"So sex with her became emotionally abusive. I mean, I have no problem with aggressive sex under the right circumstances if that's how we're feeling, but there is always love or at the very least respect between me and my partner. You know how it is, good sex runs the gamut from soft and slow to hard and intense to playful to emotional and a million other emotions in between. That's normal. But to treat your partner as a human sex toy is unacceptable. I wasn't some one night stand, and she treated me as less than that, because even when that's what I had with my one night stands it was clear that's what we both really wanted. She did that to demoralize me, and then further demoralized me when I no longer wanted to have sex with her. So of course when she cheated it was my fault. That's when I stopped answering her calls, and in the process lost her and our friend group at the same time. I was okay with that, it was a relief really, but I was back to having no friends, and wasn't going to try and be friends with Matthew again after what I did to him. I just finished out school and hoped for another fresh start in med school. Meantime, I tried to start dating, but I had developed this fear of connecting and getting let down, and so it never lasted more than a few dates. Just hooking up became very easy. So I became the girl that would sleep with you once and we had an understanding that once would be all there ever would be."
Santana exhaled after telling that story. It took her years to realize that what she had experienced was abuse. She wasn't being beaten so it wasn't abuse she thought. It was her introduction to adulthood and real abuse left scars, didn't it? But it did leave scars, even if not physical ones. They were far more subtle than that, and took place over time, and pushed her into a harder shell than the one she had from her childhood. So when Brittany responded to money the way she did, it's like it unearthed a rage and a fear she didn't know still existed, and then she felt herself confused and falling back into her shell. She had to trust Brittany's love once again before she let that shell close her in, maybe forever this time.
"Nobody ever knew this until now. Quinn only knew about Danielle changing once I had money and wanting to ridicule me for it or have me pay for everything. She knew it impacted me and that there was probably more but Quinn and I never push with each other. We would go to each other when we felt like it. I never felt the need to elaborate. So that's what I mean when I say that I need you to hold my pain. I told you about it, so that you understand me and you don't feel like I'm holding secrets, and now that I've told you I will deal with it the right way once and for all."
Brittany leaned over and kissed her wife. In the peace of this beautiful place her wife had told her ugly truth, and she never felt closer to her.
"I hate to admit it, but there was some part of me that was afraid to have sex with you the first time after we had that argument."
"I'll never hurt you San, you know that don't you?"
"Brittany, I know that now more than ever."