Cosima

June 25 2018

"Dude… your phone is like blowing up." Cosima groans as she shifts under the sheets of Delphine's bed. She opens her eyes again and glances over the edge of the bed. Delphine's phone was on the floor next to the bed and having 89 notifications seemed very off. Definitely not the norm. Delphine is half-asleep next to her, and she is relieved that they both opted to take this Monday off. Cosima lets out a soft moan before scooting back over to spoon Delphine.

"Remember, I changed my Facebook status. Also… do not call me dude. We are lovers ."

"OK. Babe." Cosima corrects herself playfully. She kisses the back of Delphine's neck and feels mildly reassured that Felix running his mouth hasn't ruined everything after all.

"I do not want to look at my phone." Delphine stretches underneath her.

"Why not?"

"Because I decided changing my Facebook status was preferable to having multiple...conversations."

"Are you afraid to come out? Because putting it on social media blast was probably not the right method if so."

"I wanted to get it over with. I don't want to hide you." Delphine rolls to face her. "I just want it to be easy. And I don't know how to make this easy."

"Hey.. it's OK." Cosima leans in for a soft kiss. "Do you want me to look?"

"Yes." Delphine murmurs out. Cosima reaches over and hands the phone to Delphine to unlock.

"OK…" Cosima glances at the screen. "We're up to 90 notifications. Ooh 91."

"How many Facebook?"

"Umm like a ton… and you have texts from… your mother. And three missed calls." Cosima glances over at Delphine. "I'm not sure this was the easy way."

"Probably not." Delphine moves to spoon behind her as they shift position. "What?"

Cosima cannot help from laughing a little. "Umm I think it's probably mostly shock, but your status change has like 53 likes, so that's good? Except some of those are the little surprised face emoji. But not necessarily bad."

"Good." Delphine peers over her shoulder. "And my mother?"

"Yeah those ones are in French." Cosima points to the three text messages. "I understand the notion of that one, call home… the rest… eh." Cosima waves a hand at the message, but her French is not that good.

"It translates as 'call home. We should talk.'" Delphine sighs. "She first thought I was joking and likely wonders what has happened."

Cosima opts for playfulness. "Tell her I am just that irresistible. Whenever you meet me, pow, instant lesbianism."

Delphine giggles despite herself. "I was hoping to avoid discussion of sexuality all together. Just announce that we are dating and in a relationship, and let people draw their own conclusions."

Cosima shakes her head. "They are probably going to assume you are gay. Or alternatively, I somehow turned you gay. If you want to be acknowledged as bisexual, you're going to have to say it. Many many times."

"I don't know if I care." Delphine admits.

"You don't care whether people see you as bisexual or gay?"

"Does it matter? The end result is the same. I am in love with a woman." Delphine lets out a small sigh. "People are going to think what they think."

Cosima lifts herself up to look down at Delphine. Blonde curls messily strewn behind her head. "Does it matter to you? It's OK if it does."

Delphine hums and looks up at her thoughtfully. "I'm not sure."

"That's OK." Cosima leans in for a soft kiss. She should have been there for Delphine 11 years ago. And it's likely somewhat her fault that this hadn't all happened then.

"I guess I'll have to deal with my mother." Delphine blinks wearily. "My uncle… I don't care at all. Some people can go screw themselves. But...others…"

"Yeah. That one you cannot get away from." Cosima giggles.

"How did you come out to your parents?"

"Uhh… I was like 14 or 15 and told them I thought I liked girls and not boys. And they were very chill. But they were swingers...so… they have very different standards than your parents. It was all very west coast." Cosima tries to joke pleasantly. It certainly hadn't felt that scary looking back, but she remembers her nerves leading up to the conversation.

"I am too old." Delphine groans. "I'm nearly 30."

"No you're not." Cosima shakes her head. "Seriously… I know a couple, through friends. And they got together in their mid to late 30s. And one of them had never even been with a woman before. I'm just saying...it happens."

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Nope. Totally real couple. They got married. I saw the photos. Definitely happened." Cosima adds, regretting that particular bit of honesty when she sees the skeptical look on Delphine's face.

Delphine raises one eyebrow at her as she sits up. "Really?"

"Yeah. They have a kid too… Zoë." Cosima mumbles out the rest of it. "Anyways, I know them through one of their sisters… not well at all. But just saying, it happens. Not everyone comes out in their teens or 20s."

"So I am not the latest one you know?" Delphine looks over.

"Nope. And in earlier generations, women coming out in midlife was a thing. Neither of us are there yet." Cosima shrugs. "Girls are socialized to cater to the male ego, to think about how they look and how other people feel rather than themselves. Heteronormativity is a thing."

"I suppose so." Delphine wraps her arms around Cosima from behind and pulls her in just a little.

"Does that help at all?"

"Maybe." Delphine leans forward, resting her face against the back of her neck. Cosima smiles at the contact.

"So we're both off today. What do you want to do?"

"I have to call my mother."

"I know. Do you want me here?"

"Yes. But… you won't understand much of it." Delphine shrugs at her.

"That's OK. I can be here for you anyway." Cosima offers. "If you want to do it now, then I will take my pancakes."

"Crêpes." Delphine corrects laughing. "And yes. I will make you crêpes."

"Yum." Cosima smiles, and figures that they can manage a good day. Maybe they could drive out of the city? Or take the GO train to Burlington and go to the tiny beach? She recalls a veggie burger restaurant not far from there and thinks it might make a good lunch. They deserve a good day. A calm day.

Cosima watches Delphine pull on an oversized t-shirt and quickly pick up her phone. "Allo? Maman?"

Cosima tries to stand back, to give space. Delphine's face contorts with emotion at different points. She catches some familiar words and her own name. But the specifics of the conversation are lost on her. She catches the words, bisexualité, l'amour, and thinks that Delphine is trying her best. And it's unfair. Delphine shouldn't have had to deal with this alone years ago. And she shouldn't be alone now.

Cosima reaches a hand for Delphine, in an attempt to comfort her, but she is shaken off by a mildly agitated looking Delphine. But it's not her, Cosima thinks. It's the conversation that has Delphine on edge.

"Je suis qui je suis. Et je suis amoureuse de Cosima. Je peux pas le changer." Delphine sighs out finally, clearly losing patience with this conversation all together. Delphine says little more, and then ends the conversation, looking exhausted.

"I do not want to deal with everyone today. That was enough." Delphine shakes her head, finally addressing Cosima.

"I am so sorry."

"Why are you sorry? This has to happen."

"I should have been there for you then." Cosima tells Delphine sadly, trying to convince her love of her sincerity.

"What?"

"When you were outed back then. I should have been there for you. I am so sorry." Cosima wonders if the guilt will ever go away now. She'd thought she was doing the right thing, but with the hindsight she wonders if she should have at least been Delphine's friend. Or tried to be.

"Come and eat." Delphine pulls her to the kitchen and introduces her to what a crepe pan looks like. The batter is already prepared in the fridge and it takes little time at all for Delphine to make them crepes. She stuffs them each with a poached egg, steamed asparagus and what looks like brie.

"You're fucking spoiling me."

"Good. I want to." Delphine tells her, voice low. Cosima has lean across the small glass table to kiss Delphine. She interrupts their breakfast and kisses Delphine demandingly. Wants to show her exactly how much she loves her. Appreciates her. And it is mutual, Cosima thinks, fully mutual.

After breakfast, Delphine leads her back to the bed, they might as well get their romp in before they shower. Then they'll start their day. Do something different.

"How do you want me?" Cosima asks.

"You'll see." Delphine murmurs back to her.

Cosima grins as Delphine kisses slowly down her body, sucking at her breasts, before settling between her legs. Delphine inhales deeply once and then begins to taste her.

Cosima watches, Delphine's eyes stay open as she plays with her, experimenting with different touches of lips and tongue. It will take a while, Cosima thinks, but Delphine certainly seems eager to get the hang of it. Cosima is patient, strokes blonde curls and finally cups Delphine's cheek.

"I love you." Cosima tells her, desperate to convey her emotions. To make this lovemaking mean just as much to Delphine. "I am going to come in your mouth. You're so hot doing this."

Delphine groans into her at this, and sucks softly at her. Cosima tries to soften the rocking of her hips, but it seems like Delphine wants it. Wants everything. She gives it to her. And she comes and moans beneath her.

Cosima stares up at the ceiling wondering what the hell she did to get this lucky. To have this chance to be with Delphine again. How perfect it feels. She doesn't really deserve it, but then again, love was never about deserving.

"Was it good enough?" Delphine asks afterwards, breaking contact and breathing heavily. "I don't think I'm very good at this." Delphine's hands rub softly against her thighs as she pulls herself up.

"It felt good to me. Why… why do you do it if… you're not comfortable?" Cosima worries. Is that the issue? Delphine had said she liked the taste. But maybe the… act itself made her feel awkward? Or maybe Delphine had lied.

"I do it because… I love you." Delphine admits slowly. "Isn't that enough?"

"Yes and no." Cosima doesn't want to discourage her, but she doesn't want to pressure for oral sex either.

"I do like it. I just… I don't want to disappoint you." Delphine tries to reassure her. "I like it. It's just… very different. I can learn to be good at it."

Cosima stifles a small laugh and wonders why Delphine wants to overcomplicate this. "It is… such an intimate thing you know?" Cosima turns to her and leans in for a kiss. "When I make love to you with my mouth. I just… I love it."

"It is very intimate." Delphine agrees. "I have only really enjoyed it with you… I… I usually didn't let men. It was...disappointing with them."

"Idiots. The female form is incredible. They should fall on their knees and worship." Cosima states, absolutely serious.

"But everyone has their preferences." Delphine finishes diplomatically. "Some of them were very good at other things."

"I know I have my preferences… I mean… I even love it when you…" Cosima trails off, she'd never really talked about it. But Delphine wasn't a teenager anymore, surely female ejacualtion wasn't an embarrassment now. It was just… part of it sometimes.

Delphine regards her curiously. "When I what?"

"When you gush and come in my mouth." Cosima offers. "I swear...I will never get sick of it."

"Cosima!" Delphine's eyes widen and she shakes her head.

"Oh come on, you've got to know that you… that you ejaculate." Cosima giggles.

"I do not think that translates well." Delphine shakes her head.

"You've seen our mess." Cosima points out. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Just… let me worship you a while." She thinks she can do enough of that this morning to last her all day, provided Delphine was amenable.

"Worship?" Delphine raises one eyebrow but watches Cosima drop to her knees at the end of the bed.

"Scoot down." Cosima instructs, and she leans down, nuzzling curls, rubbing her face against flesh that is clearly interested

"Ohh." Delphine lets out one little sigh.

"I'm going to make love to you now. I'll show you how much I like it." Cosima teases, letting her tongue dart out and make contact.

Delphine whimpers and moans, and Cosima knows, she just knows that they're going to be OK.

July 15 2018

The brewpub isn't hard to find, especially with the giant "Congratulations Madison and Chris' signs near their rentable room upstairs. Oakville wasn't too far to go on the train, and Cosima is pleased with the gift she and Delphine brought. She sees a few familiar faces from the university. Dr. Yamashita's among them, and then the rest of these three dozen people must be Madison and Chris's family and friends.

It's not just women either, Cosima thinks that Madison might be more forward thinking than she'd initially assumed by her choice of partner. Clearly a lot of people here as well wishers.
Cosima quickly leans in to give Delphine a kiss on the cheek. "I'm just going to run to the washroom."

"Alright. I'll save you a seat. Madison told me the brunch would be excellent." Delphine grins back at her. Delphine looks gorgeous in the same sundress she wore to Pride, and they'd both dressed semi-formal. Awkwardly, Cosima wonders if they will be the only not-pregnant or childless people at this thing. Then again, it doesn't matter. It's just a shower for a coworker.

Their last weekend had been phenomenal, Cosima smiles. They'd gone furniture shopping, hit up Boon Burger and generally just enjoyed their time. So much so, they'd book a rental cottage near Lake Huron for a long weekend in August. A perfect vacation, Cosima thinks. Super chill. And nice and relaxing for after the move. And she'd get to see more of Ontario outside the GTA.

Cosima is quickly hurrying back from the surprisingly high class washroom when she almost collides with Chris.

"What are you doing here?" Chris looks at her.

"Umm I'm dating Delphine and you can't like invite half a couple to these things. So I'm here."

"Right." Chris looks her over skeptically. "I didn't expect to see either of you."

"Well Madison invited us as we like work together… so that's that." Cosima quickly turns to ascend back to the large party room but Chris is standing in her way.

"How did you do it?" Chris asks her.

"Do what?" Cosima responds impatiently, wondering if Chris has developed an appetite for verbal sparring because if he doesn't move soon that is what he is going to get.

"Turn Delphine gay." Chris says as it it were obvious and Cosima rolls her eyes.

"Dude…We are not having this conversation. Also you should be in there. This is your baby." Cosima points upstairs.

"Showers are a girl thing."

"Uhh it's your baby." Cosima shrugs. "Just saying. Also I think your brother and dad are up there… and like the husbands and/or partners of a lot of women you know. So… this shower is not just a girl thing. It's in a brewpub."

"That was my mom." Chris mumbles.

"Great… well I'm going back upstairs to my girlfriend now, because I don't want to be rude and walk in in the middle of one of the stupid shower games we are going to be playing." Cosima moves past him again.

"So have lesbians come up with a new word for what they do together? I mean you can't call it sex and you could invent language."

She stops briefly as if slapped. What the fuck was Chris thinking saying that in public. Was he drunk?

"Are you that dumb?" Cosima turns around quickly to regard Chris, unimpressed. "Are you serious right now? Telling me I need to come up with a new word for what lesbians do together because it's not sex?"

"It's not." Chris shrugs. "You're missing out on an opportunity."

Cosima scoffs. "You're an imbecile. Also you sound like you've never given a woman an orgasm in your life when you say that."

"Uhh no because I'm going to be a father." Chris points out. "I'm married."

"All you have to do to be a father is ejaculate in or around a vagina at the right time of month." Cosima states dryly. "Female orgasm isn't a requirement, if it were I think there'd be fewer humans."

"Madison…"

"Madison what?" Cosima cocks her head. "Madison is in the next room wanting you there for your stupid baby shower. Get your head out of the gutter, and out of my sex life and get back upstairs."

Cosima lets out a groan and goes back upstairs ignoring whatever Chris is saying behind her, it clearly is not worth the time.

"What happened?" Delphine asks in a low voice when she's rejoined their table, mostly of friends of Madison's.

"I ran into Chris… he is such a douchebag." She adds in a whisper. "Was he this bad when you hung out with Madison before?"

"I know." Delphine sighs. "I think he legitimately does not understand a lot of things."

"Clearly not. Whenever I meet men like that I am just so happy to be a lesbian." Cosima admits in a hushed whisper to giggles from Delphine.

But then they're pulled into a silly shower game, and have to forget about it, for the moment anyway.

The shower goes well, most of the clothes given for the unborn child are some shade of pink which makes Cosima cringe a little bit. Honestly, who decided that all newborns must be colour-coded according to their genitalia.

Madison thanks them when she opens their gift, a few board books and a fun funky outfit in bright red and blue. And Cosima thinks they've done their job as coworkers and can get the heck out of here. And they're almost free. Even as brunch begins to break up, when they are approached.

"How do you know Madison?" The girl who looks a good deal like Madison asks. Must be her sister, Cosima thinks.

"Oh we work together at the university. We share lab space." Delphine answers pleasantly for the both of them.

"Nice of you to come out."

Cosima thinks about dyking it up a little, just to be obnoxious but then thinks better of it. She needs to behave herself enough that Delphine will take her out again.

Delphine is politely thanking her, but then turns to leave, putting one arm around Cosima's waist. "It was a lovely shower, thank you." Delphine guides her out and she is eager enough to end this torture.

"It was so heteronormative." Cosima moans after they've made their way back to the GO station.

"It was." Delphine agrees. "I have never felt like such an oddity for being childless at almost 30 before."

"You and me both babe." Cosima laughs, thinking of the picture taken of the three other pregnant friends of Madison in attendance. "Must be the age… and Madison's social circle."

"But I guess among lesbians, less unusual?"

Cosima pauses thoughtfully before continuing. "Depends on the lesbian. Or the queer circles. I mean some people want kids and some don't, you know, totally separate from whomever they fall in love with. Or who they want to fuck. I have friends in a polycule with two kids. So… you can't ever tell from orientation stuff."

"It is more complicated though, with two women. It's not like we can just go home and …" Delphine stops, correcting herself. "It's not like two women can just make a baby together."

"Well… yeah. But… I mean I see all kinds of shit with people I know. Some go to fertility clinics. Others do it at home and have a friend come over and literally masturbate into a cup for them. I mean, we have uteri.. So that's easier than being two men right there. No one I know personally has adopted a kid yet, but people do that." Cosima shrugs sounding nonchalant.

"I never really thought much about it." Delphine grimaces at her for a moment.

"About having kids?" Cosima thinks they might as well glaze over the topic, just cursorily. If it's something Delphine really doesn't want in her future, they'll have to discuss it eventually. And maybe, maybe she'd be OK with a life spent just her and Delphine. She could find some kids they could be occasional fun aunties too. They could travel more. Do other things. But they'd need to talk about it.

"About how much harder it would be with a woman."

"Or easier… I mean, I'm bound to be more useful than Chris, for example. Especially on the parenting front later on." Cosima cannot resist trying that tact, Delphine smiles at her for a moment.

"I meant the… getting pregnant part."

"Yeah but… some straight people wind up at fertility clinics too. IVF. Fertility drugs." Cosima shrugs. "Having a man isn't a guarantee of anything."

"True…. True." Delphine looks very far away for a moment. They climb onto the next GO train headed back for Union Station and then Cosima decides to change the subject before things get any more life changing or serious.

"So movers booked?"

"Yes… they are."

"And our cottage is booked for the weekend after. You and I…. a private beach… lots of exploring."

"We have to rent a car." Delphine states, as if she wants to make sure they remember.

"Yup. On it. Totally. I'll rent us something totally practical for exploration." Cosima sighs, she can picture it so clearly. A weekend with Delphine. Their first real little vacation together.

"It will be nice. Just to be with you."

"And we'll be a couple… and it will just be like… super chill." Cosima smiles.

"Cosima… do you want children?" Delphine seems to give up on whatever she was trying not to say.

"Yeah. I mean… I think so? It's a huge responsibility though." Cosima thinks cautiously. And maybe it's best to get it all out there on the table early. Then they could work it out as they go.

"OK. I just wondered." Delphine looks over at her. But Delphine doesn't seem angry, or like she's totally against the idea. She just looks... out of sorts somehow.

"Hey… you know we can have everything, right?" Cosima grips her hands, not caring that they are clearly making quite the scene on the commuter train. "You don't have to give up anything you want. You can have it with me."

"I know. I know." Delphine nods at her, but there's a look on her face Cosima cannot quite identify. And it makes her feel almost… sad.