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Dick: I have decided to make a new government
My first rule will be that no one can veto my rules
Wally: That's called tyranny and it is usually frowned upon
Dick: I am 50% handsome, 70% charming, and 80% attractive
Wally: That's 200%
Dick: That's cause I am twice the man you'll ever be
Wally: I'm a soft idiot, a sappy motherf***er, a sentimental bastard of you will
Dick: Putting soup in a square container... it's just not right it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Dick: Pros of wearing all black is you look like a bad*ss
Cons everyone knows when you eaten a powdered donut
Wally: Unfortunate truths of life
Dick: Trust me I know what I am doing
Wally: Not even God knows what you're doing Dick
Dick: Rage against the machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer
Wally: Why a printer
Dick: They're the geese of technology
Wally: Oh
So they're bastards
Wally: Give yourself permission not to be accessible at all times
Ignore that voicemail
Leave that message on read
Turn off your phone
Don't answer emails
Destroy your SIM card
Burn your house down
Disappear under mysterious circumstances
Dick: Done and done
Wally: Haven't heard from you in a while
Are you okay?
Dick: I stress about stress before there is even stress to stress about because I am stressed about the stress I will inevitably have soon, which is stressful, y'know
Wally: I am no longer sure if I am actually talking to you or Tim
Wally: Do you think that mosquitoes dare their friends to bite someone with bug spray on?
Dick: No, because mosquitoes don't have the mind to be able to communicate in such complex ways
Wally: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were the world's top mosquito expert
Wally: NO!
I can't go to prison!
Someone told me they aren't wearing underpants there!
I love wearing underpants, I wear mine everyday
Dick: I'm sorry but…
Before i go into the finer details why are you concerned about going to prison
Why are you concerned about going to prison
Dick: Everyone in the world has kicked a pregnant person before
Except for Phil
Wally: I feel like there should be flaws but I can't find any
Wally: I am soooooo glad I never got arrested-
Except for that one time my neighbor called the police on me because I snuck into my own house through a basement window and the cops came downstairs and had their guns drawn on me and handcuffed me on my deck while I was crying and and screaming 'I LIVE HERE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS'?!
Dick: I ain't reading all that
I'm happy for you though
Or sorry that happened
Dick: If were fighting someone you should know I have a sock full of batteries on standby
Wally: I am glad you truly are prepared for anything
Dick: What if Santa gets COVID and passes it onto every household in the world in one night and kills the entire human race on Christmas
Wally: Last I checked it is hard to get COVID when you don't interact with people more than one day a year so it is unlikely he can spread it even if he did get while delivering presents
Dick: God you're a nerd
Wally: I'm sorry I haven't replied to your email but I glanced at it, vowed to deal with it later, and now the very thought of even opening it fills me with crippling dread
Dick: I don't understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic
Like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Wally: You are absolutely right
Dick: People tell me it's not good to eat past sunset
*me whose circadian rhythms have aligned with a nearby raccoons- those rules don't apply here
Wally: I like that the Venus Fly Trap could just get energy from the sun but chooses violence
Wally: What took you so long to answer your phone?
Dick: My fingers were covered in blood and my touch screen wouldn't work
Wally: I have so many questions
Dick: If the rogues kill me I'm going to find Jason's ghost to teach me how to whistle so I can annoy the hell out of everyone still
Wally: Glad to know even dead you'll choose violence even dead
Also what makes you think Jason's ghost would know how to whistle
Dick: You met Jason right?
There is no way he didn't
Wally: You may be single and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad
Dick: I don't think I like your tone young man
Wally: Guess what I am about to get
Dick: On my nerves
Dick: Ah yes baguettes, the snakes of bread, I would like two of the freshest yeasty eels money can buy
Wally: I am not okay with the words you have chosen to string together
Wally: If chickens were big enough to eat us do you think they would?
Dick: Without question
Without remorse
Without hesitation
Without a napkin
Without dipping us in sauce
Wally: Italics piss me off
Dick: Che cazzo hai detto tu stronzetto?
Wally: I SAID ITALICS NOT ITALIAN
Dick: Che cazzo hai detto tu stronzetto?
Wally: I don't speak Italian either you jerk please translate
Dick: Nah
Dick: Warm blooded creatures when they get cold vibrate
But cold blooded creatures go into a coma
Dick: So I went to the bathroom at Chili's and it was super air conditioned in there
I was by myself and I said 'wow it's really cold in here' and then followed it up with 'one might even say it's… chilly'
And then I figured out why I am single
It's because I make puns to myself in an empty bathroom
Wally: If I was a girl and not in committed relationship I would totally date you
Dick: Thanks I guess
Wally: How would you die in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
Dick: Bullet to the head
Wally: By an Oompa Loompa or Mr. Wonka
Dick: Charlie
I don't think he'd get with my vibes
Dick: Do you have my shoes?
Wally: Why would I have your shoes?
Dick: Because I left them at your house last night
Wally: Why would you leave without your shoes?
Dick: I don't know!
I go to a lot of places without shoes.
I'm walking barefoot right now
Oh but wait, that's cause I left my shoes at your house last night
Wally: I got arrested because I was too cool!
Dick: The charges were dropped because there was no supporting evidence
Wally: How do you rate your pain
Dick: Zero stars
Would not recommend
Dick: Imagine if we just all started ignoring celebrities though
Wally: I can't stop thinking about how funny this would be
Imagine Kylie Jenner posting a selfie and it gets twelve likes
Wally: How were you not scared
Dick: I've already lived longer than I expected
Dick: I love using a measuring cup for only water
It's like, you're clean bud, you get to skip the wash and go right back to the cabinet
Dick: Did you know Kid Flash is on Buzzfeed Unsolved
Wally: What
Dick: Well he hasn't been seen in a while
Wally: It's two in the morning
stop with this nonsense
Dick: I failed my superhero safety test today
Wally: You? How?
Dick: Well, one of the questions was 'In case of a fire, what steps should you take?'
Wally: And?
Dick: Apparently 'F***ing large ones' isn't an acceptable.
Dick: Putting an avocado in the microwave to soften it obviously didn't seem like my best idea but I can honestly say I did not expect it to burst into flames
Wally: All I have learned is microwaves are really good for blowing things up and setting things on fire
Dick: I better think twice? Buddy I don't even think once
Wally: And that's what led to you microwaving an avocado
Dick: Yeah
Wally: How'd you get everyone to betray me? What did you even offer them
Dick: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you and they instantly said yes
Wally: What's the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon?
Dick: One is for eating tea and the other is for eating tables
Che cazzo hai detto tu stronzetto? - What the fuck did you guys say?
And Good Night