VIGNETTE II : IN ANY UNIVERSE AND IN ANY TIMELINE? (SPOCK'S POV)
Spock was somehow conflicted (which was why it had taken him a few Terran days to decide on the best way to proceed instead of contacting his father right after he had been discharged from the hospital). Duty though won over privacy, of course, and Spock finally pressed the contact button, standing tall and formal in front of his screen in order to make his report.
"Commander?"
The welcoming smile on his alter ego's face had been quickly replaced with worry; though he had hid it well (but not well enough for his other self not to notice, of course). So: The Ambassador had apparently expected to speak to Jim and not to his younder doppelganger when receiving a call from Earth's Federation's Quarters. Judging from the absence of initial worry, he was already well aware of Jim's full recovery; and judging from the initial evident fondness, the two of them had probably been in contact not only recently, but most possibly regularly - and for a longer time than the mere few weeks since the end of The Marcus Crisis...
Spock tried to strictly catalogue those new pieces of information - but he couldn't help but recognize that they made him *feel*. And Spock felt ashamed - and not even from actually feeling to start with.
It wasn't the now customary protectiveness kicking in. Spock had had little contact with his other self; but he simply knew for certain, and right from the moment they had met, that the elder Vulcan would just never endanger Jim. I could not deprive you of the revelation of (...) a friendship that would define you both in ways you cannot yet realize. But remembering the by then puzzling yet plain affection for Jim Spock had seen in his other self's eyes and heard in his other self's voice... Well; now that he knew what Jim had come to mean to him indeed, Spock couldn't help but wonder about the exact nature of the relationship between that Spock and that Jim from that other universe. Was it a constant; then? Did every Spocks's world always end up orbiting around their Captain's gravitational pull? And - even more critical a thought - was there even one chance for that inescapable pull to ever be reciprocated; if only in one universe? Spock's fists digged hard into his palms, hidden behind his back.
The truth was Spock felt *envious*. It was the first time it occured - and with such strength! - over a person (and even two - again: what kind of relation had his other self shared with that Jim from his own timeline?). Earlier instances of such an urge had always been related to his own lack of perfect Vulcanity (before he had chosen if not to yet accept, then at least to defend his Human heritage, for his Mother's sake). It was illogical (Jim was free to spend his free time as he wished to start with, for sure) - but it was undeniable.
Spock though couldn't discern with accuracy whether The Ambassador's worry right now was related to Jim's absence in particular or to impending doom in general (as it had been the case the last (and only) time Spock had contacted him (even though The Ambassador had contacted him a few times before that, regarding New Vulcan's affairs)). It was probably both anyway, as the two were more than often combined, due to Jim's own character and both their functions; so Spock forced himself to loosen his now extra tensed features right back to their normal rigid degree in order to reassure his alter ego - knowing more than well enough how much he would want to be reassured, were the roles reversed.
"Ambassador, I am pleased to see you are well" (which was not only a polite introduction but a sincere observation too - even though Spock hadn't believed that his older self might actually suffer from his own Fever (they were the same, intrinsically - but they were still two separate entities): it was apparently impossible not to care about his future self's well being, as it was somehow his own too...)
The Ambassador seemed to be able to breathe again.
"As I am; especially after our last interaction."
And it definitely sounded heartfelt too; but also, reassured? - which was just illogical: after all, his older self had literally lived to tell the tale after his encounter with the Khan from his timeline; so why should he have had reasons to worry about him after his last call to start with? Or... Was he referring to a more recent interaction - and one that Spock hadn't noticed, while under his Fever? Such a communication though didn't seem probable either, as Spock had never felt any kind of bond with his older self; nor before his Time, nor since...
"But do go on; please. How can I be of service?"
Spock came back to the matter at hand. He had a report to make; and therefore shouldn't be dwelling on thoughts which could wait for further contemplation...
"Actually, I believe it is my turn to be of help - and to our Vulcan community. I have though to address a personal matter, so I judged it somehow more adequate to report to you than to our Father, as you have a seat at Council too..."
The Ambassador tilted his head.
"You have my undivided attention."
"And I thank you for it."
A beat of his heart passed before Spock continued, but his voice kept steady and factual.
"I have recently gained new knowledge about Our Most Delicate Concern I believe the Elders should be made aware of - our unique metabolism notwithstanding."
Spock witnessed one eyebrow raising on his counterpart's features - and understood he hadn't known about his Time then.
One beat.
Two beats.
"Am I right to assume you went successfully through the ordeal - judging by your present state - even though unattended - as you mentioned you had *new* information to report?"
Spock stood even straighter.
"Indeed. I am unscathed; even though I went through my First Time without mating."
One beat.
Two beats.
"I am impressed; and sincerely relieved to see your current condition seems optimal despite the added monumental difficulty this entails. I was nearly a decade older than you are now when I had to face my First Time; but I do not believe I would have been as successful as you were that earlier in my life (1*)... But such a feat is already known to be possible, as I am sure you are well aware of."
"To those who have achieved Kolinhar - which I cannot pretend to have; neither now nor over a decade."
"And to those suffering from a grief so great it purges all other drives."
It was Spock's turn to be surprised - and for two reasons:
"I was not aware of that fact," was the first - and only one he vocalized.
Do you know?, was the second, which he couldn't mention, as his eyes tried now to pierce through his counterpart's composure.
Which grief of mine are you so knowingly addressing? Are you referring to our Mother, our Bethrothed, and the billions of lifes lost on that day? Or do you actually know that Jim just died? (his insides twisting and recoiling at the thought - never again! never again!) How? (the first possible answer provoking a raw clench of his jaw - as Jim had actually made him swear NOT to report this fact to anyone, ever:) Did Jim tell you? (now somehow nauseous from doubting Jim following his own word - if anything, Jim was a model in that regard, always captaining from exemplarity and not authority) Or... Was your Jim's death the 'great cost' you referred to when I asked you if you had been able to defeat Khan? (a surge of actual rage at that memory he couldn't not see now under a new light, as it also explained indeed why his counterpart might have been worried about his well-being then:) If that is the case, then please do refrain from such euphemisms on the future if you do not want to feel my hands around your neck!
His counterpart was still silent, as if in thoughts of his own too, and unaware of Spock's struggles - it appeared Spock's control had not yet returned to its standard level after his Time... Spock actually counted again five beats of his heart, working on reigning himself in, before the Ambassador went on:
"My error; then. I had not reckoned it might yet be unprecedented in this timeline - even though I should have known better, in retrospect. It appears events do not follow at all the same pattern in this timeline than in the one I come from. I will notice it to the Elders, along with your valuable information; but I can assure you, my assertion is correct."
"I do not doubt your statement. But even though I am mourning - as you know, indeed - my losses are months previous to the start of my Time, and therefore cannot be related to my success," Spock pried.
He couldn't notice though any surprise on his other self's features at his non-mention of a far more recent and very specific loss, and decided the Ambassador wasn't in the known then. That being settled allowed his mind to focus fully again on the discussion at hand, and he just had to share his own thoughts - if it could be useful to his fellow Vulcans, Spock couldn't withhold every bit of information he could provide:
"As a matter of fact, I deem emotional unbalance to be more of a cause for Pon Farr than a remedy; at least in my own experience. I acknowledge to have been thoroughly emotionally compromised, shortly before my First Time. Whereas, even considering the possibility of my grief since Our Deracination delaying the start of my Time - as I was actually 28 when it occured - it eventually still failed at stopping it."
"I do agree with you about Pon Farr being influenced by unkempt emotions. For one, The Time seems to be a more frequent episode in ancient texts. And for sure, very few Vulcans have not yet broken their usual 7 years cyclus since we set up the Colony. A few have been known to undergo it twice since then, even - and we noticed those had been the most distressed of our citizens to start with. But there are also others, who should have suffered from it in the meantime yet still have not - and those are the ones who cannot, or will not, accept what did happen, considering their loss too great to be still able to function. So. It may be that several emotions combined work as a stimulant; while emptiness but from one work as a sedative. I am though more inclined to believe that it is intrinsically related to a more or less subconscious will to survive and thrive; or die. In which case it is very satisfactory, for your Captain's sake if not for my own peace of mind, to know that you still possess that most precious drive no matter all you have been through already..."
"I do," Spock couldn't help but profess (and promise) after Jim had been mentioned: he would never let Jim down. "Your theory though does sound logical, even if I admit I lack the necessary personal experience to be able to truly comprehend it."
"And I will never wish otherwise, for your sake."
There was a sad hint of regret in his counterpart's solemn tone - even remorse, maybe? It disappeared though before Spock could further analyse it, as the Ambassador redirected the conversation back to its core and intent:
"But let us come back to the reason you contacted me in the first place. How did you succeed exactly, then?"
Spock took a (mental) deep breath.
He couldn't help but confess, first:
"I honestly cannot take credit."
One beat, trying to conceal his own plain affection before mentioning the Jim from his own timeline.
"It was actually Captain Kirk's idea."
One beat.
Two beats.
The hint of a mixed smile:
"Well, then; I cannot say it is illogical that it was so..." (Surprise, yet met expectation; and ache, yet satisfaction; audible in his voice)
Spock cannot help but do a double take. Was this a constant too? Might Spocks of any universe always rely on their Captain to overcome the trials of their Fever, if need be? The notion was particularly comforting.
"Your Captain." It was definitely more an affirmation than a question.
"Indeed," his other self apparently coudn't refrain from disclosing anyway. And no matter how much his counterpart had appeared to be fond of the Jim from Spock's timeline just a moment ago, Spock had now undeniable proof that it was still *nothing* compared to how fond he looked right now, as he thought of the Jim from his original timeline...
And once more, Spock couldn't help but wonder...
The longer his alter ego kept lost in thoughts of his (future) past, though, the more painful it seemed to feel. And with reason; of course. At his age... The thought suddenly striked Spock, as swift and lethal as lightning: his alter ego had long ago already lost his own Jim, and along with him that friendship that had defined them both in their timeline. Spock understood abruptly that he was in fact only *starting* to realize the bottomless ache the loss of his Jim could cause. And Spock was honestly petrified at its not only more than probable but worse definitive occurence, guessing he most probably couldn't even begin to imagine how it would feel (no matter his pain, by the door of that radiation chamber? Jim had opened his bright blue eyes again to face another day in the end) - and he simply *refused* to imagine. There was no way though he might ever try to protect himself from such a grief by running away from Jim's vital presence. He was simply going to have to relish on any single given moment; because only one of those would already be worth it all anyway. Kaiidth.
Live long and prosper, Jim; Spock couldn't help but fervently wish, with his whole being. (You bet that salute would always definitely feel self serving too from now on...)
And so, Spock realized at once that he couldn't help but feel only gratitude now for Jim's kindness towards his other self. And that he himself definitely should contact his double more regularly from that moment forward, regardless of how much Spock would rather stay completely unguided about his own choices (except when some knowledge was simply necessary, as it had been about Khan, for example), without being influenced by whatever he might get to feel from any interaction with his counterpart (even though he always tried at least not to let much more than precisely what was asked transpire).
The smile on the Ambassador's face changed yet again, turning once more warm as his older self's attention came back to the present:
"But again, we digress. And I have to recognize that I am now particularly curious. What was that definitely helpful idea your version of our ever resourceful Captain presented you with?"
/
"I thank you for sharing your experience; no matter how private. We will have to test it; but I believe this solution might be beneficial for others too, if not for all. I will report it right away."
Spock knew the purpose of his call had been achieved. There was no reason to prolong it. And yet, Spock couldn't NOT inquire:
"May I request a few more minutes of your time?"
The Ambassador seeemed surprised - it was the first time Spock didn't cut the transmission as soon as its purpose had been fullfilled; but he gracefully relented, turning his full attention to him once more.
"Is there anything else you would like to discuss? Assuming it does not require me to divulge anything that hasn't yet come to pass, of course."
Spock had so many questions; but knew he couldn't ask about most of those, indeed. He could, though, express one primordial wish:
"I do understand; and I do agree. I will always try to refrain for seeking actual guidance. Nevertheless, I would be more than grateful if you could give me clear warning, should the need for it ever arise - if you ever actually know my course of action to be detrimental to Captain Kirk."
Spock couldn't help but stand even straighter. There. He had said it. Without even hiding under his tasks as Jim's First Officer. (One couldn't lie to oneself anyway; right...)
His counterpart looked at him - looked right through him, even. And he seemed ... happy? sad? proud? - but not surprised in the least. Spock was relieved to see that his other self understood not only what he meant; but realize it to be also an understanding of what he himself had had with his own Captain. They were different beings from different timelines placing one different being on the same pedestal in their different hearts; but on this subject, they were equals; and it felt right to acknowledge that they shared *this* - whatever this exactly was or had been for either of them...
"I wish only the best for you, and cannot have my own misjudgements ever influence your decisions - especially as you appear to be much more successful on your own to start with. But I will keep your request in mind, for your Jim's sake if not for our own. I have to admit I do not believe I could ever refrain from warning you on that particular matter anyway; even if you had not openly wished for it."
Your Jim.
His alter ego usually used 'Your Captain' - this was the first occurence of 'Your Jim'. Spock had to recognize that he particularly enjoyed how it sounded; no matter how illogical.
"I am truly grateful."
"No. I am."
Spock gave his alter ego a firm nod; sealing their alliance about protecting Jim. There was not even a shadow of envy anymore in his mind. Spock was now only thankful that the other Spock cared that much about the Jim from his timeline too. It gave Jim more chances to achieve not only its full potential, but the greatest age possible.
"Now that this matter is settled, and in case you might decide to excuse my boldness and indulge my own curiosity, (sending his older self's words right back at him - after all, speaking of Jim was something they definitely both enjoyed to start with, and discussing events already past was by definition permitted): may I ask in return how did your version of our ever resourceful Captain help you through your First Time?"
The Ambassador actually let out a sigh, making Spock frown.
"My experience, though positive in the end too, was more distressful than yours - if I may say so without sounding like I am belittling your own; which I am not."
And suddenly, Spock worked it out - and couldn't hep but stop breathing; prior reassurance that it had actually ended well notwithstanding. This, after all, had been his greatest fear.
To those suffering from a grief so great it purges all other drives.
I had not reckoned it might yet be unprecedented in this timeline - even though I should have known better, in retrospect.
I can assure you, my assertion is correct.
No wonder this would suffice! Spock knew well enough how the depth of that particular grief felt.
"T'Pring demanded Kal-if-fee; and chose Jim as her champion."
Spock had difficulties comprehending this. Kal-if-fee!? It had been one of the very first ancestral way to try to limit the numbers of victims from Pon Farr to a single one, instead of many. But no one had called upon it in... ages - Spock didn't know exactly how long, but several centuries at the minimum... Not only had this T'Pring been then completely different than his own had been; but how his counterpart must have felt, realizing not only what she claimed, but who he was supposed to fight - who he was most probably going to kill when his control would dissolve - who he - !
"Dr Mc Coy's quick mind and precisely-dosed hypo gave the impression that Jim... that Jim..."
Spock understood the struggle at saying the word, and cut his counterpart before he could let it out - sometimes, being impolite was just necessary.
"I am so deeply sorry on your behalf."
"Do not be. As much as I cannot help but recoil at the memory of that long-gone day... I still cannot wish it had never happened, as it was a much needed and never regretted eye-opening moment."
Ah.
Spock had this time no doubt about exactly what his alter ego had realized in that momentous instant, indeed. Yet another constant, then. Contants; even - Dr Mc Coy apparently always played a part in saving his best friend's life too.
"It is also satisfying to know The Doctor was apparently not only as adept at his art in your timeline than in the present timeline; but a true friend too - both to your Captain and to you."
Spock couldn't help but feel thankful; again - but now not only for the serum that had saved his Jim, but also for that hypo that had saved that other Jim... Dr Mc Coy wasn't keen on accepting compliments, but Spock decided he would bring two bottles of his favourite beverage instead of the one he had planned to give to him by the next time they would embark...
"Indeed; he was."
"He is."
They talked some more, not minding the time. And when they finally ended their call, Spock realized he was already looking forward to their next.
.
(1* : simply because TOS Spock didn't know his Jim yet in his timeline - TOS Jim captained the Enterprise from 2265; and we are now in 2259 in AOS)
AN : Just pretend they talk to each other in Vulcan, of course... And sorry to have cut Spock's practical yet embarrassed explanation of Jim's helpful idea (and Older Spock's reaction(s) to it all) - but it felt like the polite thing to do? you already know anyway exactly what they discussed :)
AN : I need a blanket. And some hot chocolate. And someone to scream around with about two amazing Vulcans bonding over one present radiant Human and his just as radiant but absent other self ... I LOVE THEM, YOUR HONOR. I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.