"I think we should talk, don't you?"
He nodded shell shocked and moved back further with the door to allow me enough room to get in, out of the corner of my eye, I could see him try to straighten out his top and fix himself due to the creases. Instead of saying anything or making any snide remarks, I stayed mute and walked straight into the family room, which was a familiar journey, a journey I doubted I would make again. I took a seat at the table and waited for him to join me, although I hoped he would sit opposite, he chose the seat next to me and he was close enough that I could smell his cologne, the one I bought. I could practically feel him as he was so close and it took me a minute to gather myself and my strength again so that I didn't waste my time coming here just to fall.
"So… erm, what do you want to talk about?"
He was being obtuse, and it was almost laughable, here we were, husband and wife, struggling to look at each other or say what needed to be said. The mood shifted though as we both let out a really small laugh and finally met each other's gaze, the mood was lighter.
"I just meant… I don't know what I meant. You came here, did you want to start?"
His voice sounded healthy, not dragged down, or riddled with guilt, pity, or even depression, he sounded lighter and better within himself, I hoped that I had the same growth. He was nervous though, I could tell by his fidgeting and movements, I guess I had gotten to know him too well over the years. Looking down though, I noticed my hands were also fidgeting, I was making nervous gestures too and I didn't even notice. Peter had always and I guess will always have this effect on me.
"I just thought, I don't know, maybe we should talk when we're not grieving and both of us are sober."
He nodded solemnly and bowed his head in guilt, I immediately felt guilty as I didn't mean to make him feel bad, I just meant to state the facts. It didn't take long until he raised his head and tried to move past the guilt, I accidentally exposed him to.
"Just, everything we have been through, we both need closure. We deserve closure."
"So, I guess this isn't us deciding to give our marriage another go aye?"
He spoke with a smile and humour in his voice, but I could hear the slight disappointment and sadness in his voice. Secretly, he had hoped that maybe, just maybe, we could try and fix this, maybe we could one day, that day was not today and honestly, I didn't see that day ever coming. To save him some dignity and his pride, I pretended that it was a joke as well, he knew that I knew though, we moved past it as I tried to think of the right things to say. It felt like the right decision when I was sitting in the office but right now, I felt like a little kid again, unsure what to say or do. Doing what I imagined he did when he started his affair, I just went for it.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I wanted my factory back, actually, I wanted everything back when I found out. I wanted my time, my love, my energy, my things, I wanted everything back that I had given you because you took it for granted, you took me for granted and that wasn't fair."
There it was, everything came naturally if you apologised but I didn't owe the man an apology, I owed him a talk, I owed him closure, I didn't need to say sorry, compared to him I had done nothing wrong. I also knew if I told Michelle and Rob that I apologised they would never let me hear the end of it. They would complain and moan and they had every right to, I would treat them the same way if they were in my position, they never would be though, these things only ever happened to me.
"You know when I found out about you and Tina, I felt my heart stop, literally. I thought I was going to die as the whole world had stopped, I treated you like you were the whole world, but I was never yours. To realise that Peter, to have that rubbed in my face, I can't even describe it."
"Carla, I – "
"You won't get it, Peter, this is what you have always done, I don't even think you notice that you do it. Every woman falls at your feet, adores you, worships you, and then you move onto the next one, tearing apart the previous. I don't know why I thought I was different, but I did. I just… I wanted to be different to you like you were to me."
There it was the truth I had been hiding from even myself, my heart was hurting, my life falling apart, and I was in pain because I wasn't different. Every man I had gotten married to, or at least was planning on getting married to was never it for me, they never made me feel anything or helped me be better. Peter though, he changed me, he made me feel absolutely everything, he turned my world upside down and made me see new things, he helped me grow to who I really was because he changed me. Peter was the man that made me better and I finally got to have him, I wasn't the one for him though, I didn't change him, I didn't make him better, I was just another one of his ex-wives, but he would always the one for me. That's why it hurt me so much, that's why even now that I had forgiven, well let go of the anger from his affair but I couldn't understand why it hurt. Now I knew, it didn't stop the pain.
"You were it for me, Carla, I was stupid and weak but don't think it was anything you did – "
"I don't, I think it was something I just wasn't for you, maybe one day I will be, maybe one day you will find whatever it is that you need but right now, I'm not it. You know when you were talking about it, about your affair in the flat, I wondered if I was in the same position as Leanne all those years ago when I was the other woman. Although I hate her, I hope Tina doesn't end up in my position, at least she won't have it happen in the same flat aye?"
I added a laugh to try and lighten what I was saying, but I wasn't stupid, I heard the heartbreak and pain in my voice, I felt the dampness on my face when I realised, I wasn't the one for him, they hadn't stopped coming since. I didn't see a reason to stop the tears if Peter could wear his heartbreak on his face, then so could I, he had seen me at my weakest so what did it matter anymore?
"Carla, you are my life, you are everything I have ever and will ever want, how am I supposed to love someone else when I know that you exist? My perfect woman."
"But Peter I wasn't your perfect woman – "
"Yes! Yes, you were! You still are and I will hate myself every day that I wake up and you are not in my arms, I will hate myself every time I walk out of the bedroom without tripping on your shoes, I will hate every minute of my life when I don't smell your perfume or hear your laugh. I will hate me for what I did to you because I know Carla Barlow that you are my life and my person, I just tried to fight the change, and one day I will show you that I am ready to be that person, to be your person."
He was angry now, practically yelling as he stressed his perspective, his words portrayed that he was angry at himself though, that he was angry at his actions rather than at me. It hurt to hear, it felt good to hear, it was hard to hear, and I did what came naturally as both of us were letting tears fall freely down our face, I tried to lighten the mood and add humour.
"Just not today aye?"
"Not today."
Now we were both smiling with damp faces, laughing a little at our situation, and feeling like idiots right now. Maybe he was right, maybe one day he would grow up and we would fall back to each other, maybe I was right, and this was the end of our story, who knows anymore. The basics had been said, the air cleared but sadly I still had questions and I still wanted to explain myself.
"Did you honestly want her?"
I don't know why that question meant so much, but it did. Did my baby girl mean as much as him as she did to me or was, he leading me on as he did in our marriage?
"She was everything to me, I wanted her as soon as you told me, I was figuring out how to balance Tina and being able to have the family I wanted with you. I ended and yes I had the moment of weakness, but I would have always chosen my baby with you."
Him saying that didn't fix anything but it did make me feel relieved that she would have been loved, she had always been loved by her mom and dad. That had to be enough. The mood was dark, but it felt like for the first time in an exceedingly long while, we were finally being honest with each other and telling the truth. Peter must have also noticed this shift as he used the opportunity to ask me a question searching for his own honesty.
"Did you ever actually forgive me or was it all an act just for the factory?"
"To be honest, I wanted to take more than the factory, but I couldn't think of a clear plan, we saw how long it took me to get the factory, we would be in retirement homes before I took everything. As for forgiveness, I don't know, I found myself caving a lot, the back of my mind still loving you but when you ditched me and Simon to sleep with Tina again, the love just left, it was easier to hate you."
I knew what I wasn't saying was what he heard 'We would still be married and together if you didn't go back to her', I don't know if that was the truth but that was what my words were alluding to. I doubt we would still be together if I still lost my baby as I wouldn't be able to not blame him for her death, it felt like it was his fault. His face told me everything I needed to know as he accepted my final rejection of him, we weren't getting back together as I didn't forgive him. I tried to offer comfort, but I know it wouldn't actually comfort him, it was worth a shot though.
"I'm not angry anymore if that helps?"
It didn't.
"Well, at least you got the factory."
At first, it came across as spiteful and maybe angry but upon actually processing what he said and how he said it, there was humour in his voice, and he meant in good humour. It sounded stupid now that I thought about it, if I asked him on a good day, he probably would have given me back the factory. Both of us were at a standstill and if we were taking turns, then mine was next but the silence was weirdly comforting, I don't know if I wanted to ruin it. It made Peter uncomfortable though as he raised from his seat and began to walk to the kitchen.
"Do you want a tea or coffee or something, I'm going to have a coffee, I really need one you know, the pullout isn't extremely comfortable and – "
"I'll have a coffee, thank you, Peter."
If I didn't interrupt him who knows how long he would have rambled on, it was almost a relief that I had shut him up now. Him leaving to the kitchen gave me time to myself, it was nice being in Peter's company, having the understanding only he could offer but I needed to make sure I didn't get too comfortable, it was an ending not a pit stop in the middle. My mind had had time to refocus and try to organise what I wanted to say, as Peter came walking in with two mugs, mine would go untouched.
"I am sorry for the way I went about things, especially when there was a baby involved, I should have just told you, but I was so angry. I just want to make this clear though, I'm not sorry for what I did, just hindsight, you know?"
"No. But I think I understand."
It was that easy. Why did it still feel unfinished then?
"I just want to say I am sorry for Tina; she was a girl with a silly crush and I felt flattered but then you, the most beautiful women I have ever seen married me so… I shouldn't have been so weak and stupid, hindsight, right?"
It was stupid but I was smiling again, smiling at the apology from my husband about him cheating on me, I bet Paul wishes I had this response to him. We were in an ok place and it felt good. Sure, we would still be getting a divorce and I would definitely be changing my name back to Connor and not having his name mentioned at the factory, but I felt better.
His hand was edging towards mine in support so I quickly and tried to subtly move my hand away, his touch would have me scattered all over again and I didn't want to be back there.
"I am sorry for what happened, if I could do anything to bring back our baby I would."
"I know, I'm sorry for being so harsh when I lost her."
"You were grieving, I understand."
"You got drunk."
"I said I understand, not understood, present tense not past tense."
We were bantering like old friends and it was nice to sit here smiling with Peter and actually meaning it instead of acting my way through life.
"I named her Haley."
"Our little girl Haley."
There was no resentment in my choice, there wasn't anything other than acceptance and a smile, there really was no other name and he knew that. If I picked another name for her, he might have slept with someone with the same name with his history, this name was something more, something deeper.
There was more silence but this time, Peter accepted it and sipped at his coffee, even though I thought I wouldn't touch it, I found myself sipping at it to fill the empty air. We were both comfortable and we were on the same page. So, this was closure? I wish I always did this; it kept the explosive rows, petty arguments, and stupid revenge at a minimum, and it kind of felt good. To be fair, most people I needed closure with were dead. Soon the cups were empty, we were just fiddling with them to give us something to do. Peter had one more question though, nothing too deep thankfully.
"So, who actually knew about, you know?"
"Your affair? Me, Michelle, and Rob. Oh, and Steve but that was you."
"Rob? I'm surprised he didn't try and off me."
"To be honest, it was Michelle with the murder plan."
Joking, just like we did when we were friends, the way we probably should have stayed but I never learnt and always followed my heart somehow.
"Wait, Rob knew but Tracy didn't?"
"No."
"She is going to go mad."
"Don't you dare tell her."
We were laughing at each other and it was nice, nothing deep or serious, we were on neutral ground for once. The time was drawing though for our conversation to end and it was bittersweet, who knows when I would see him again or even have a reason to talk to him when we were separated to be divorced. To seal the deal that our time was over, the front door opened and the loud voices of Diedre, Tracy, and Rob were heard, I had been here longer than I thought. Diedre was the first to notice me and brought everyone's attention to me with her shock.
"Oh, hiya Carla love, what are you doing here?"
So, I stood and gathered up my bag and coat, it was definitely, time for me to leave.
"I was actually just on my way back out Diedre, just needed to tie up some loose ends."
My gaze met Peters and he sent me a smile in response, my heartfelt lighter like I wasn't carrying a boulder anymore, this is what I needed. Rob saw me and raised his eyebrows in curiosity, but I continued to move to the front door with Peter racing behind me to see me out. He of course always had to have the last word, that would never change, trying to end our relationship on a joke.
"So that a no on not divorcing then?"
"I think so yeah."
"Well, send me the divorce papers I guess."
"You'll have to tell me your new address."
"New address?"
"Yeah, you know, with Tina?"
"I'm not moving away with Tina, she begged me to, but I just can't. I would never leave with her."
I have definitely set this story up for a sequel as I loved this too much, I would leave to hear where you would like this story to go but for now, it is the end.