Chapter 24

Christian

"I'd like to try a new approach."

That's what Flynn had said Monday morning in our session before I saw Ana. After analyzing the shit out of my memories from the day that the truth came out about Elena, he proposed that we try a new therapeutic approach called "compassion-based therapy."

"It seems that you've come to believe that this voice in your head berating you for your choices is your conscience, when, in reality, our conscience is there to guide and support us. Your inner voice has led you to make rash, self-destructive decisions that don't contribute to your long-term happiness, then berated and degraded you for listening to it. This internal enemy justifies your actions by telling you not that you've done something wrong, but that you are wrong.

"From now on, I want us to reframe your self-talk as though you were talking to someone you love. Let's say, your son. As a parent, you serve as your child's guide, cheerleader, supporter, and advocate. It's time we got you on your own team as well."

If I'm honest, I left that session feeling less than hopeful. But my talk with Ana seems to have shifted perspectives for me.

I'm not sure how I was expecting that conversation to go, but I certainly wasn't expecting to hear that Ana was genuinely collaborating with a music producer. Yes, she was taking music lessons, and I was aware of it, but she was very private about it, and I never pinned it for anything other than a casual hobby. I've heard her sing here and there, along to a song playing in the background, to the kids before they go to sleep at night, and she does have a nice voice, but to think that it was something she nurtured and practiced to the point that a music producer chose her?

At the same time, I'm not surprised. Ana has always been exceptional at anything she chooses to do. But I'm having trouble reconciling the fact that I missed this apparently gigantic part of my wife's life. So here I sit in Flynn's waiting room again. If I'm going to mend our relationship, I do need to be on my own team. I can't keep shooting myself in the foot.

He finally opens the door to his office and motions for me to come in. "Good morning, Christian. I understand you've had a chance to talk to Ana since we last spoke." I nod. "Start any place you like."

"Well… Ana is not in a romantic relationship with the producer." I pause and Flynn waits for me to continue. "She… has been working with him. Apparently, she writes and performs songs and has been making an album with him." I briefly recount the story she told me.

His eyebrows raise almost to his hairline. "Well, well. Ana continues to be full of surprises. How did you take this news?"

"Initially… not well. My mind went into overdrive thinking how I could have missed this. I felt… betrayed that she had kept something like that hidden from me. I ended up lashing out at her, but she didn't take any of that. She put me right in my place." I smile as I recall her throwing the ice pack at me. Feisty. "She also mentioned that she's planning to take time away from Grey Publishing. I think… that's what really put it over the edge."

"Oh? But you're taking time off of work as well."

"Yes, but… this company is something we share together. It hurt to hear that she's casting it aside."

"So, when she said that she wants to focus on other endeavors, you felt rejected?"

As he says this, I realize that that was exactly the case. "Yes. I've already lost her in our relationship, now I'm losing her in another area. And not only that, but the friendship she described with the producer was so… intimate. He's seen a side of her I never have. That hurts more than I can say."

"Songwriting is poetry, in a form. It can have very intimate subject matter. I'm not surprised that in the creative process, there was a kind of accelerated intimacy. Can you imagine how strange it would be for Ana to share this side of herself with a stranger, given how closed-off she can be in her closest relationships? I imagine there would have to be some trust formed. She likely saw him as a guide in this new field she was trying to navigate. Is your concern here rooted in that she's beginning something more independent?"

I nod reluctantly. "Yes. I feel like a tyrant even saying that, but I'm afraid of what will happen if she finds happiness in this new phase of her life. I want her to be happy with me."

"You don't want her to be happy unless she's with you?"

Though his tone isn't critical, I feel accused. "No," I snap. "I want her to be happy no matter what. I know she doesn't need me, but I need her. I got a taste of happiness in our life together. I want to be enough that she chooses a life with me, even though she doesn't have to."

"She can't have a music career and you? Are you supportive of this dream?"

"I… I want to be. But, fuck, it scares me to think of what will happen if this takes off. She'll become even more notable, even more desirable. I already spent the last few years fighting off men who want to take her from me, and that's when she was mine. Now she's slipping away, and if she starts a new life and meets all sorts of new people, how am I supposed to convince her to choose me?"

He jots something down in his notepad. "Have you given any thought to our discussion last time? I'm noticing that there's some self-doubt overriding everything else in our discussion here."

"I'm willing to try anything."

"Excellent. It seems that you rely on Ana's inexperience, the fact that she's only been with you and most of her worldview thus far has been shaped by being married to you. Let's reframe this. If Ana came to you saying that she's afraid you won't want to be with her anymore because you were going to new places and doing new things, what would you tell her?"

"That's ridiculous. My love for her isn't swayed by shiny new toys. At the end of the day, she's home to me."

"Is it inconceivable that someone could feel that way for you too?"

"I can't imagine it."

"So, you have no constants in your life?"

"My family, but they're obligated."

"So, you only continue to see your children because you're obligated?"

"What the fuck, John? I love them. I don't spend time with them out of obligation, I asked for more time because I want to be with them."

"That, right there, is how your family feels about you. They have no obligation to try and spend more time with you, especially at this stage of your life where your basic needs are no longer being met by them, but they choose to because they want to. The feelings that you have towards your children are feelings that are also felt towards you."

I blink slowly as his words sink in. "Okay, so my family loves me. But Ana doesn't see me any more than she has to."

"Ana was forced to invite you over this week and explain the photos to you?"

"Well, no. But…" I grapple for some verbalization of my insecurity as a husband.

"Christian, your marriage in its current state is a special case. Yes, you had communication issues that were going unaddressed before all of this, but then things really blew up. Whether or not Ana loves you isn't really the issue here anymore, because love needs trust. Is rebuilding that a goal of yours?"

"Of course."

"How can you do that?"

I get up and pace by the window. It's always easier to think when I'm moving. "I… I want to support her next chapter. I want to show her that I listen to her. I want to be her partner in raising our kids together. I want to try not to jump to conclusions and hear her out before I react." I swallow uncomfortably, remembering my behavior on Sunday, locking her out of Escala. Time to grow the fuck up. "I want to get on my own team so I can be what I want to be. A husband for Ana, if she'll have me, and a father to my kids."

Flynn jots something down again, smiling at his notepad. "I know. And when Christian Grey wants something, you know what they say."

Saturday morning, I'm pacing the floor in the dining room at Escala when I hear the elevator ding. I take a deep breath and walk towards the foyer to find my parents, Mia, and Elliot all lingering and talking to each other.

Flynn and I came to the conclusion in our last session that I need to tell my family about Elena's contribution to my behavior over the last year. I've invited them for brunch, which seemed like a civilized way to break the news at the time, but now has me wishing it was an hour where some liquid courage would be socially acceptable.

Grace sees me first. "Christian! I'm so glad you asked us all over. It's wonderful to see you." She steps forward and hugs me, kissing both cheeks.

"Thanks for coming, Mom. If everyone could step into the dining room?"

Mia and Elliot share a look that says do-you-have-any-idea-why-he-called-us-all-over-here?-because-I-sure-don't and trail towards the dining room behind Grace and Carrick.

I follow closely behind them, just in time to see their surprise when they find John Flynn sitting there waiting for them. "Good day, Grey family!" he greets.

They all turn to look at me, perplexed. "I have something to talk to you all about tonight, and I asked John to be here to take the pressure off of me having to answer everything. I expect that you'll have questions."

I watch as their faces all morph from confusion to worry. They somberly take seats and Carrick clears his throat. "Well, you have the floor, Christian. We're listening."

I look at Flynn and he gives me a minute, reassuring nod. I sigh and bring a hand to my hair. "Do you remember that I told you that my… extended absence over the last year was due to the fact that I felt like I didn't deserve Ana anymore?" Grave nods. "Well… that was for a lot of reasons, but the one that pushed it over the edge was the news of Elena's arrest."

Grace gasps and brings her hands over her mouth. "No," she whispers.

"What does Elena's arrest have to do with you?" Mia asks in a shaky voice. Elliot's face has lost all color.

"Elena propositioned me when I was 15 and we began a relationship. I thought I was the only one. To learn that there were other victims… I couldn't handle it. I stopped seeing John, I threw myself into work, I pulled away from all of you. I was wracked with guilt that I'd never told authorities and others had gotten hurt."

Mia starts to cry and Elliot just stares at me. "Fifteen? Fucking fifteen? Jesus Christ. I'll fucking kill that old cunt." He turns to our parents. "Did you know about this?"

Grace continues to cry and Carrick nods soberly.

"Oh, Christian," Grace sobs. "I had my suspicions that it had something to do with that, but I was terrified to ask. I didn't want to push you away further or make you relive that time in your life, but I should have pushed harder."

My chest aches at her words. This is why you didn't tell her. She always blames herself. But I push through, having made it this far. "No, Mom, there was probably nothing you could have said. My head was so far up my own ass. It took realizing that I was about to lose Ana after a verbal spanking from Ros to wake me up."

"Does Ana know about this? Why isn't she here?" Mia asks, wiping her nose with a napkin.

"Ana knew before anyone. She's the one who first helped me to see that what Elena did was wrong. For a long time, I didn't see it like that. I didn't ask her to come tonight… I just…" I look at Flynn, starting to feel like I'm floundering.

"Christian wanted to be open with all of you tonight as part of his goal to be more transparent and accountable for his actions over the last year. As mentioned, Elena's actions are not new information to her. He and Ana are slowly improving their communication, but he didn't want to ambush her with this tonight and has expressed that he hopes to broach these subjects in couples therapy one day, if Ana is willing. But for now, he is giving her space."

"I think as my family, you deserve to understand why I've been so… distant. It wasn't because I don't love you all or I don't want to be around you. I genuinely convinced myself that what I did was for the best," I add quietly.

Mia flies out of her chair and hugs me fiercely. "I'll always want you around." She pulls back and looks at me. "I hope someone shanks the old bitch," she says without a trace of humor.

"Me, too," Carrick mutters. "Son, Elena's disgusting actions are on her. Even if you had told the authorities, the case against her took years to build. She had been suspected for a long time. It's entirely possible that if you had tipped them off, she would have had time to dispose of the evidence that ended up locking her up."

Grace nods emphatically. "You did nothing wrong, my sweet boy."

Elliot rubs his eyes. "Fuck, Christian. So, where do we go from here?"

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, releasing the tension in my body. "I hope we can start to build a better relationship, all of us. And… I'm hoping you'll support me in my goal to try to earn back Ana's trust."

Mia squeals and claps. "Of course! You two are made for each other. I'd die if you got back together."

"Of course we'd love to see you work things out, Christian, but Ana might take some time to come around. Right now, it has to be about those kids. You can't let their needs take a back seat to your relationship problems," Carrick lectures.

"Carrick, give him a break. He's been spending a lot of time with the children and he's a wonderful father. He's prioritizing them," Grace admonishes.

"Plus, it is for their benefit in the long run if their parents get back together," Mia adds. "Some people's wives might need reminding of that as well." She looks pointedly at Elliot.

He laughs and shakes his head. "Hey, I can't control that woman. She guards Ana like a pitbull. But I think she'd be supportive if she didn't think Ana would get hurt again."

"I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say I'm all for spending more time together, and including Ana in that as much as she's comfortable," Grace says.

Flynn clears his throat loudly. "Well, it seems my job here is done. I'll leave you all to your brunch. Christian, I'll see you on Monday." We shake hands and he sees himself out.

I turn to my family seated at the table, the nerves still rippling through my chest. They all just look at me like they're glad I'm here. My throat starts to tighten up. "I'm sorry that it took me so long to get here. I know it's a lot to process…"

I'm cut off when Grace and Mia are both out of their seats in a flash, hugging me, and Elliot and Carrick aren't far behind. For the first time I can ever remember, we are literally in a family group hug and the darkness inside of me is quiet.

"We'll get through this, Christian. No matter what," Mia mumbles against my chest. She untangles herself from our huddle and claps her hands. "Now, who's feeling mimosas?"

A/N: Just to clear up a few things, Ana and Christian's talk last chapter was just to talk about the paparazzi misunderstanding. Christian wants to be honest with her about everything, but that's why he proposed couples counseling, so they could talk about that with a moderator. There's way too much between them to be settled in one conversation. And as I've said before, Ana's music isn't the main point of this story. It's only going to be talked about if I think it's relevant to the story, as it relates to Ana and Christian's dynamic.

More personal growth from Christian this time! His whole family knows now. We'll get a look into Ana's mindset post-talk next time. Hope you all had a nice weekend!