Chapter twenty-six:
Trigger warning: Depressive thoughts, panic attack, and graphic description of a murder. It's not really gory but just in case.
JACKIE
It's been over a month.
Being more specific, daddy's been dead for a month and two weeks.
Ever since we came back from Chicago, my routine is the same every single day: Wake up, cry, work, cry, sleep.
Some guy called me a month ago, was he a lawyer? A district attorney? I couldn't tell. He said that the man who stabbed daddy is already sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison so there isn't much to do other than what's been already done. He's at a maximum-security prison and will stay there for the rest of his life.
The guy told me that this man killed two people before, and that daddy was the one who convinced the judge to give him a life sentence back when he was a district's attorney over 10 years ago. He's been obsessed with getting revenge with my dad ever since he's been arrested.
Before I knew what I was doing, I asked for more details. I wanted to know more about the case, I wanted to know why and how daddy was killed. Steven only told me the basics, and when I received that call, I suddenly got the urge to know everything.
So basically, daddy's killer is 59 years old. His name is Harrison Fulmer and he murdered a teenage couple in 1969. The girl was 15, the guy was 16. They were both fooling around in his convertible when Harrison shot the girl in the chest out of nowhere. She died in her boyfriend's arms, he freaked out, and Harrison shot him too. When in trial, he tried to justify himself by saying that he was doing God's work by killing sinners. Daddy convinced the judge to give him a life sentence in a maximum-security prison. He wanted to send him to the chair, but Capital Punishment was banned in Wisconsin in 1853.
Harrison stayed in the maximum-security prison for 7 years, but he managed to get transferred to minimal for good behavior after a while. When daddy was arrested, he was sent to the same prison as this horrible man, but he was in protective custody, so he couldn't touch him.
Then daddy made the most stupid decision in the world, and I let him. I should've fought harder, I should've begged, this could've been avoided if I wasn't such an idiot.
Harrison melted a toothbrush and managed to sharpen it enough to turn it into a knife. He snuck into my dad's bunk bed, stabbed him 12 times, and left.
Daddy had stab wounds all over his abdomen and his chest, and he was probably in so much pain.
Then Steven – who apparently was listening to everything through the living room's phone – said that was enough, and then the call was over. Not a minute later I was sobbing in his arms.
But the man's words didn't leave my mind.
I couldn't eat for two days after that call.
I kept agonizing over the fact that daddy's death was long and painful, and that he died alone in a prison bed. I couldn't get the image out of my head, and I had a nightmare that night. It was my first – and so far, only – nightmare since daddy was arrested three years ago.
Steven managed to soothe me back to sleep that night, and we never had a nightmare problem again.
Two weeks ago, I received a package from prison. That package had my daddy's belongings. The suit he was wearing the day he was arrested, pictures of me that he kept on his bunk, all the letters I wrote to him in the last few years and a few books.
That broke me. That really broke me. I thought I couldn't get any worse, and I was so wrong. I didn't even know it was possible to feel such pain.
I was inconsolable that day. I cried so much that my throat started to hurt. Steven was desperate, he called Mrs. Forman and she made him give me another one of her special pills – she made sure Steven brought some with him before we left Point Place – and I ended up dozing off on his arms.
And I feel like crap. I can see Steven, Donna and Eric watching my every move like hawks, you can see how tired they are (especially Steven) and I don't want any of them to feel this way because of me.
Steven is the one who's been with me the most though.
He stays with me all day, and God, I don't think he knows how much he's helping me. If it wasn't for him, I would've given up on everything.
Steven encourages me to go to work every day, he drives me there every morning, and picks me up every afternoon. He makes me breakfast, he packs me lunch, he makes me dinner… He's being an angel; I don't know what I would do without him.
Things are not easy for me, mentally speaking, I recognize that. Going to work has been really difficult, every time I wake up to my alarm I internally groan, I never thought it would be so hard to get out of bed and do things. Sometimes it physically hurts me, I get dizzy, I get headaches... I get tired so easily nowadays, it's pathetic. But I'm trying, I really am, for Steven.
I can see in his eyes how much he's suffering by seeing me like this, and God, I feel like trash. I love him more than I could ever love any other human being, and he's helping me so much, I can't live without him. But he's better off without me. No one deserves to have a burden like me on their lives.
He left Point Place for me, he left his store, his family, his life, to be with his crazy girlfriend.
I wish I could let him go, it would be the best thing to do for him, but I know that being without him would kill me.
The only times I felt good in those last 6 weeks, were when I was in Steven's arms. I only feel safe whenever he's holding me, and kissing me, and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
For instance, I'm not feeling shitty right now, because we're currently in my room, snuggled together. I'm lying on his lap; he probably thinks I'm asleep. I didn't have to go to work today (I don't work on Mondays, thank God), so we've been doing nothing together all day. We just had lunch a few minutes ago and I said I wanted to take a nap.
He's reading a book attentively, his hand is in my hair, gently stroking it, he only moves it when he needs to flip a page of his book.
I open my eyes and just look at him. He's the best thing in my life.
His sunglasses are long gone, he doesn't wear them when it's only the two of us anymore, and he looks concentrated on whatever he's reading. He's been reading a lot lately. Not that I mind, I actually like seeing him all focused like this, it's cute.
Then I notice the dark circles under his eyes and I start to feel like crap again. It's what I said before, he's so good for me, but I'm so bad for him. I've never seen him this tired before.
Steven is 20, he should be partying and having fun, but instead, he's locked inside a small apartment in Chicago with me, the definition of a complete mess.
I love him so much, and he deserves so much more.
Steven deserves a girlfriend, not a burden like me.
He closes his book and smiles slightly when he sees that I'm up.
"I thought you wanted to take a nap?" He asks me, and I sit up in bed, in front of him.
"How can I take a nap? You look too cute"
"I'm not cute" He says, and I can see he's trying to fight a grin
"Yes you are" I say, cupping his face in my hands and running my thumbs through his sideburns "You're cute, handsome, and overall perfect. I'm a really lucky girl"
He smiles and leans in to kiss me softly on the lips. I wrap my arms around his neck and stare deeply into his baby blue eyes. God, I love his eyes.
"You know that I love you, right?" I ask, leaning my forehead against his "More than anything in the world"
"I know, I love you too" He replies with a soft smile, and I can't help myself, I press my lips against his.
I deepen the kiss with no hesitation, and he gently caresses my tongue with his. God, it's been so long since we've had a make out session, and it feels so good.
I tangle my fingers on his soft curls, while he gently pulls me into his lap.
He's such a good kisser, I could kiss him all day.
I can't help but moan a little when I feel him bringing me even closer, running his hand lovingly through my waist while his other hand cradles my face with delicacy.
This has nothing to do with lust. This is love, the most beautiful and purest form of love. And I can't give that up.
I can't give him up.
We only broke our kiss when we were both out of air, but we keep exchanging sweet and loving pecks as we catch our breaths.
"Thank you" I whisper, laying my head on his shoulder "For being here for me. I know I don't say much, but I know how much you're sacrificing to be here, and I'm really grateful for that"
"Not sacrificing anything, you're the most important thing in my life, the rest is just… the rest" He says in his sweet voice, and my eyes start tearing up again.
"You have no idea how much this means to me" I reply "But please tell me if this is being too much for you, Steven. I love you too much and I don't want you suffering because your girlfriend is a useless piece of crap"
I can feel his muscles tensing up, and he lifts my head by placing his index finger on my chin, making me look at him in the eyes.
"Don't talk about yourself that way" He says sternly "If you don't wanna hurt me then… Stop making those comments about yourself, alright? I don't like when people insult my chick"
"But Steven…"
"No, Jackie" He cuts me off "You are amazing, please stop insulting yourself, I mean it"
I sigh, I can see in his eyes that he really means it, that whenever I insult myself, I hurt him.
It's going to be hard, to keep those comments to myself, because I don't really like me right now, but if Steven asked me…
"I'll try my best" I say honestly "I promise, I don't want to hurt you"
"Thank you" He says, kissing my forehead. I lean my head back on his shoulders and close my eyes, I feel so comfortable whenever I'm on his arms, I couldn't suppress a yawn.
"You feeling sleepy?" He asks me, stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb tenderly
"When am I not feeling sleepy, Steven?" I ask, smiling sadly. When daddy died, I couldn't sleep for three days straight, but ever since we came back to Chicago, I feel tired and I want to take hundreds of naps per day. It's so weird, because even though I sleep a lot, I don't feel rested at all, and I still have gross dark circles under my eyes.
"If you're tired you should take a nap" He says, laying on the bed and extending his arms, gesturing for me to lay on his chest "C'mere"
I look up at him and he smiles softly, placing gentle pecks on my lips, my cheeks, my nose and my forehead. I kiss his cheek gently and rest my head on his shoulder, while he wrapped both his arms around me tightly.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, inhaling his scent and letting the sounds of his heartbeats lure me into a peaceful sleep.
"Fuck!" I hear Steven's voice coming from the living room, and I promptly open my eyes, something isn't right. I take a deep breath before getting out of bed, if I get up too fast, I get dizzy, so I take my time.
Steven is on the phone, rubbing his temples with his free hand, and he looks incredibly frustrated. I don't know what's going on, so I lean my back on the wall so I can listen to the rest of his conversation.
"How the hell did that happen, man?" He says on the phone "What about Leo, is he okay?"
My heart ached a little when Steven mentioned Leo, did something happen to him? Leo's a nice person, he's the first adult that ever gave a crap about Steven other than the Forman's, he has to be okay.
"Okay, good" He says "I'll be there in a few hours, can you call WB to let him know for me? Alright man, thanks"
Steven hung up the phone and closed his eyes. He's trying to get his zen back, I know him.
He stayed in silence for a couple minutes, he hasn't noticed me yet. I decide not to say anything, he'll notice me eventually.
His posture softened when he turned around and saw me standing here.
"Hey doll, did I wake you?" He asks, hugging my side. I snuggle closer to him; he smells so good.
"Yeah, but it's okay" I say honestly "You sounded upset, what happened?"
"Someone tried to rob Grooves" He says and I gasp "Don't worry, everything's fine, Leo wasn't even in the store the time it happened and the cops came before the robber could take off with the cash"
"I'm sorry, pudding" I say, kissing his cheek and tightening my grip on him.
"It's okay doll" He says, kissing the top of my head. I love when he does that. "But I'll need to spend a day in Point Place, the cops gave us a crap ton of paperwork"
Oh.
"It sucks, I know" He says "Believe me, I would stay here if I could"
I sigh "I know"
"You should come with me" He suggests "I don't want you to be alone"
"I have to go to work tomorrow" I reply sadly, I really wish I could quit my job and do nothing with Steven all day "And I won't be alone, Eric and Donna are here"
He raises an eyebrow at me, but he doesn't say anything. I know what he's thinking, it's been days since I talked to either Eric or Donna.
Ever since we came back, I've been avoiding Donna as much as I can. It's such a shitty thing to do, because she's my best friend, I know I'm hurting her and I feel like crap for doing that, but I can't deal with Donna right now.
For some reason, I can't be with Donna the way I am with Steven. I know she loves me and that she's really worried, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it.
Maybe it's because I know that she's already feeling really bad, and if we talk, she'll only feel worse.
Or maybe it's because Donna knows everything about my fucked up mother and I'm scared of her trying to talk to me about it. The last thing I want at this moment is to talk about my mother, I still wish she was dead instead of my father.
While my dad is literally rotting underground, my mom is probably still in Point Place, sipping margaritas, spending money and living her best life. It's so unfair.
It hurts me that I'm hurting Donna, it really does, every time I look at her, I get this overwhelming feeling of guilt, it's horrible. That's why I'm glad that Eric's been staying with us for a few weeks.
"You should talk to Donna eventually, y'know" Steven says "She's worried about you"
"I know" I answer "That's the problem"
"She's your best friend, Jackie" He says, and I try to hold back my tears
"I know" I whisper "That's why I don't want to talk to her"
He looks questionably at me and I continue "I don't want to hurt her; I know I'm not doing great right now and that seeing me like this makes her feel bad"
"She feels bad because you won't talk to her, dollface" He says, cradling my face with his hand
"Well…"
"Jackie" He says with a stern tone "Just promise me that if you feel bad and you can't reach me, you'll try and talk to her"
I take a deep breath and look him in the eye "Okay pudding, I promise"
"Thank you" He whispers, and kisses my temple "God, I can't believe I have to travel all the way to Point Place because those donut-loving jackasses can't do their jobs"
"I wish you could stay" I say honestly "Do you know when you'll be back?"
"Hopefully tomorrow" He answers "I just gotta talk to the cops and do the paperwork, it probably won't take me long"
"Good" I say "Want some help organizing your stuff?"
"Nah… Let's just… Stay like this for a while" He says, tightening his grip on me.
I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of his body pressed against mine. This is the first time in over a month that I'm going to sleep without Steven by my side.
Steven is my safe place, and now I'm going to have to spend the night away from him.
I just hope I'll be able to survive that.
DONNA
"Next time, don't forget your map, moron" I say, laughing at Eric's indignant face
"How the hell was I supposed to know the campus was that big?" He asked, as we went up the flight of stairs to my apartment "It's bigger than Point Place"
"Well you better get used to it" I say with a small smile "Because that's your future school"
I took Eric to college with me today, and I tried to give him a little tour through the campus. Everything was going smoothly, until I had to go to the bathroom and Eric thought he could go over to the water fountain and find his way back to me.
It took me two freaking hours to find him again.
"Hopefully" Eric smiles as I try to find the keys inside my purse.
I smile victoriously when I finally find them, and I open the apartment door.
And then I see Jackie and Hyde, sitting together on the couch. It wasn't supposed to be a usual sight, they are together the whole time, but they tend to spend almost the entire day at her room.
I see Hyde a lot more than I see Jackie lately. Whenever Jackie is in the shower or taking a nap, Hyde and I talk, sometimes Eric joins us too, and he updates us on Jackie's state, since she's barely talking to me anymore.
It's bad, Jackie's been getting worse. I can hear her sobbing every single day, our apartment has very thin walls, and I really wish I could do something to make her feel better.
Hyde looked up at us and sighed in relief, grasping Jackie's hand in his. That's when I notice he's holding his duffel bag, and I look at him questionably.
"What's going on?" I ask
"I gotta leave town for the night" Hyde says sadly "Someone tried to rob Grooves and now I have to go there and talk to the cops"
"Is everything alright? Did someone get hurt?" Eric asks
"No, everything's fine, I just got a crap ton of paperwork to do now" Hyde answers "I was waiting for you to arrive home so I can go"
I watch as Jackie tenses up at his words, and how he subtly tries to soothe her by running his thumb through her wrist, it doesn't look like it's working. He whispers something in her ear and kisses her forehead before looking at me and gesturing for me to follow him.
"Donna" He says once we're in the kitchen and Eric and Jackie can no longer hear us "I need you to keep an eye on Jackie for me" He pleads, and I nod
"Yeah, don't worry" I say promptly, and I notice how tense he looks "Are you alright?"
"Of course I'm not fucking alright" He mutters, running his hand through his face and trying to keep himself together "I don't want to leave her, man, but I have no fucking choice"
"When will you be back?" I ask
"Tomorrow" He says "Look, I gotta go before it gets dark. Just… Call me if something happens, okay? If she breaks a freaking nail, I wanna know, okay?"
"Okay"
"The pills Mrs. Forman gave me are inside the Raisin Bran box on the kitchen cabinet" He says, and I look questionably at him "I've been reading a lot and I thought it would be better to hide the pills from her, and that was the best hiding place. Jackie would rather die than eat that gross crap"
"I get it" I say "Don't worry Hyde, I won't let anything happen to her"
"I know man…" He sighs "It's just better be safe than sorry. Don't forget to call me if anything happens. If I'm not at the Forman's, then I'm at the store, you got the numbers, right?"
"I do" I say, and he nods, going back to the living room to say goodbye to Jackie.
I stand near Eric and I watch as Hyde holds Jackie like his life depends on it. Then he kissed her and said goodbye to us before leaving the apartment.
The minute Hyde left, Jackie's shoulders slumped and she looked down at the floor. Eric and I exchange worried looks as we see her sharply sucking in a breath.
This is the moment I've been dreading ever since Jackie's dad died. She's been clinging to Hyde too much, and I don't know what she'll do now that he's not here.
I have to admit, Hyde's being a perfect boyfriend, I definitely grew to admire him a lot over those last few weeks. He left everything behind just to be with Jackie, and I have a feeling he's the reason why she hasn't done anything stupid so far.
That's why I'm scared, this is the first time in over a month that Jackie's spending more than 12 hours apart from Hyde. I have no idea how she's going to deal with this, or if she's even going to deal with this at all.
"Jackie…" I say, taking a step forward and placing my hand on her shoulder as she cried "Do you need anything?"
"I'm…" She mumbles, lifting her head and wiping her tears "I'm going to take a shower, then I'll wait for Steven's call in my room"
"Jackie…"
"I'll let you guys know when he calls" She says, quickly leaving the room and locking herself in the bathroom.
"You think she's going to be alright?" Eric asks, glancing at the bathroom door
"I don't know" I answer honestly "I'll… I'll order us some dinner"
He sighs and turns the TV on, and I go to my room to try and find the number to Jackie's favorite Chinese restaurant.
When I pass through the bathroom door, my heart aches. I can hear the faint sound of Jackie's sobs mixed with the sound of the shower running.
I really wish I could make things better for her.
"Eric, wake up" I whisper in his ear, he snores loudly and turns to the other side of bed.
I hear noises again, and I slap him in the head.
"Ow, Donna, what the hell?" He mumbles sleepily
I woke up about a minute ago hearing a door slam, and I want to check on Jackie. But I need to let my dumbass boyfriend know first.
After Jackie was done with her shower, she locked herself in her room. She only came out twice, the first time was after I begged her to eat something, and she reluctantly ate a couple of spring rolls before locking herself again. The second time was after Hyde called, he asked her to let us know he was already at the Forman's and that was it, she hasn't left the room ever since.
Before Eric and I went to bed, I went to check on her, and she was sound asleep on her bed, clutching what I assume to be Hyde's pillow like her life depended on it. It made me relieved and sad at the same time.
"I heard a door slamming" I whisper to him "I should go check on Jackie, stay here"
Eric looked at me and nodded, rubbing his eyes while I got out of bed.
I opened the door and the first thing I see is that Jackie's door is wide open, then I hear splashing noises mixed with heavy sobs, and I look at the bathroom door.
Oh no.
Please don't be locked, please don't be locked, please don't be locked…
I turn the doorknob and I breathe relieved when I notice it's not locked, then I enter the bathroom and my heart breaks a little inside my chest.
Jackie's sitting next to the toilet, and she's sobbing so much that I'm honestly kind of afraid that she's going to break a few ribs. Her face is completely red, and every now and then she turns around and throws up.
"Oh my God…" I say, moving to kneel near Jackie and pull her hair away from the splash zone.
"Donna, what's going on…" I hear Eric's voice, and then he's inside the bathroom, looking at me and Jackie with a weird expression.
"Jackie, do you still feel like vomiting?" I ask her, rubbing her back as she cries desperately, I think I see her shaking her head a little, so I lift her up and flush the toilet. She leans heavily on my shoulder, her body shaking with the force of her cries.
Eric helps me take her to my room, and we gently move her to sit on my bed.
Jackie's gasping for air and I have no idea on what to do, it looks like she's suffocating. I look at my boyfriend and he looks just as worried as I probably do.
"Should we take her to the hospital?" I ask Eric desperately, and he shakes her head negatively
"No, I know how to deal with this" Eric says "Dad had this a few times, flashbacks from the war or something. My mom taught me how to deal with it. You just stay here, make her put her head between her knees, and I'll get a paper bag and a glass of water"
"Okay… Grab her pills from inside the cereal box too" I say, ignoring Eric's questioning look and sitting next to Jackie, gently rubbing my hand through her back. Hyde's right, she's definitely skinnier, crap. "Head between your knees Jackie… Breathe"
"Steven…" She whispers in between heavy sobs; she looks completely agonized and it kills me to see her like this.
"What about Hyde?" I ask
"I want Steven" She says more clearly, still crying. I glance at her hands, and holy crap, her hands are shaking so much…
I grasp both of her hands in mine, but she doesn't seem to register it, she just keeps on crying and whispering Hyde's name.
"Here" Eric appears out of nowhere, he hands me a paper bag and places a cup of water and a couple of pills on my nightstand, he then sits on Jackie's other side and rubs her shoulder.
"Jackie, take this" I say, passing the paper bag into her hands. She slowly moves it into her mouth "Breathe it in, then breathe it out… You're doing great, midget"
"Take it easy Jackie…" Eric says, watching as her breathing slowly steadied. He kept murmuring encouraging words and I watched them both with fascination. Eric is usually the twitchy one in situations like these, I have no idea where this came from.
It took about 10 minutes, but Jackie's sobs significantly subsided, and she wasn't having much trouble breathing anymore.
"Here, take these" Eric handed her the pills and the water. She nods dejectly and takes them.
We guide her to lay on my bed, and not too soon after that, she's asleep again. Once we see she's not waking up any time soon, Eric and I exchange meaningful looks and head to the living room. There's no way in hell we're risking waking Jackie up.
"Should I call Hyde?" I ask warily, leaning into the wall and rubbing my temple.
"No" Eric answers me promptly "We're telling him tomorrow. He's going to be pissed that we didn't call right away, but it's 3 in the morning, and it's raining. It's too dangerous for him to drive and Jackie's fine now"
"He's really going to be pissed" I say
"It's the best choice, Donna" Eric answers me, and I nod in agreement.
"I know" I sigh "You should sleep in Jackie's room tonight; I don't want her sleeping alone and I don't want to try to move her and wake her up"
"Okay" He says, not protesting about having to sleep on Jackie's bed like I expected him to do "She'll be out of it for a while, those pills are really strong. Do you have any idea of what caused this?"
"Hyde" I sigh "It's the first time in a long time that she slept without Hyde, she probably freaked out over that"
Eric gives me a sad smile, and moves to peck me in the lips softly "Keep a close eye on her tonight"
"You got it"
"Good night Sugar Plum"
I smile back at him "Good night Snicklefritz"
He went to Jackie's room and I went back to mine. I glance at Jackie's tear stained face and feel my eyes watering, things are not supposed to be this way.
Jackie was supposed to be happy, giving us all backhanded compliments in between makeout sessions with Hyde and talks about her hair and her makeup.
But no. Jackie no longer talks about hair and makeup, and I can't even remember the last time she insulted someone. Instead, she stays in her bed all day, looking miserable and skinnier than usual.
I cover her up with a blanket, and I lay next to her in my bed.
Things can't stay this way any longer. She has to get better; she just has to.
A/N: So… Jackie just had a panic attack.
I never wrote a panic attack from someone else's perspective before, I hope I did okay.
So, good news, I think I'll update this story weekly again! I've been really inspired lately and I have a few chapters ready already.
And I know I say this in every single chapter, but if this is getting too heavy for you, please stop reading it, I mean it.
That being said, the next chapter will be just as sad.
Let me know what you thought about this chapter in a review. You have no idea how happy your reviews make me.
Anyways… Follow me on tumblr to see some progress updates on my fics! I hope you all have a great week!