Hello friends! I really have been sucking at updated lately. My brain is literally everywhere. I have 4 in-progress fics (One is an update to Start Again obviously and two are post 17x13 lol and 1 random that someone requested and omg i cant wait for you guys to read that because it's fun) but my brain just abandoned all of those to write this one because I will not stop writing fics about Germany. So I hope people are still reading my fics and also I hope people still care lol if not, then I guess I'm just screaming into the void per usual.
Between Two Lungs - Florence + the Machine
One, two, three, four.
She counts the seconds as she inhales.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
She counts as she holds her breath.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
She counts as she breathes out.
Owen flew halfway across the world to see her.
Owen.
Her Owen.
The unrequited Owen.
It was good. It felt good to see Owen at her doorstep. It felt even better when Owen kissed her and lifted her onto the counter. And even, even better when he took her to her bed.
Owen flew halfway across the world to see her and tell her he loved her.
And she threw him out.
It was a moment of panic. A moment of… rage. Of trigger.
"I am not your consolation prize"
Because that's what she is. That's what she's always been. She finally understood that.
So she threw him out. Because it hurt. Because then she started to question the intent. Did he really want her. Did he really love her. Did he really choose her. Or was he just lonely. Did he just not want to be alone because his marriage was over.
But he flew across the world and it felt good. The sex was so good.
And now she's sitting on her bathroom floor in the middle of the night in the midst of a panic attack.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
She thinks about the way he kissed her, held her. The way their bodies move together.
Goddamnit, Teddy. Damn it.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
It's been six weeks.
She never told a single soul that Owen flew to see her.
She would never admit to anyone that Owen Hunt left her in a pit of depression and random panic attacks especially in the middle of the night.
Whenever her friends invited her to go out, she would just tell them she was tired or busy. Because she just can't handle anything or anyone. She just wanted to sit in her dark apartment and curl up in her bed.
She couldn't tell anyone that Owen showed up at her door.
Of course her friends knew who Owen is. He's all she talks about. They know she'd move heaven and earth for him. They know how pathetically in love she is with him.
So she doesn't tell them that Owen showed up.
Maybe because she was embarrassed that she can't make anything in her life work. She's embarrassed that he was just there because he had this need to always be with someone. It could be anyone. That she's just some rebound.
So she buries it deep in her. That one day that changed her life—maybe even ruined—okay maybe 'ruined' is a little harsh.
She checks her watch and her heart pounds out of her chest.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
She cannot shake the thought out of her mind.
The way his mouth was on hers. His tongue against hers. He was literally breathing life into her. His breath straight into her lungs. His hand—god, his hand—cradling her face, the other between their bodies, his fingers fiddling like he wants her to combust into a million pieces.
She holds onto that feeling. It felt good physically. So good.
The way he tasted, he tasted like beer and gum. But mostly gum. Minty. She imagined he had a beer on the plane to calm his nerves and chewed gum on his way to her.
The way it felt under his touch. His skin against hers. Warm and increasingly got sweaty the more they moved together.
The way his grunts sounded in her ear. It was urgent and passionate like he's also waited years—decades—for this.
The way he looked basking in the moonlight. His silhouette. The light hitting the perfect spots. The way he looked over her.
The way he smelled, how it lingered in her pillowcases for days—she secretly did not wash her sheets because as much as she wants to erase any trace that he flew halfway across the world for her, she still wants to hold onto anything he left her.
She held onto anything he left her. She bites her lip in panic.
She is holding onto everything he left her.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Enough time has passed. She knows this. She doesn't know how long she's been sitting on the floor. It could have been hours. But she checks her watch anyway, without registering in her brain what time it is.
Just rip the bandaid, Teddy. She scolds herself.
The cold bathroom floor is comforting. She doesn't want to move, but she glances at the thing staring at her from the ledge of the bathtub.
She takes one big deep breath and lets it out with a tiny growl. She lets her tears fall.
Because she's scared and this is scary.
She reaches for it and stares at it, trying to comprehend, trying to make the words out.
"Fuck my life" She mutters as she tosses the pregnancy test into the trash.
Pregnant.
Pregnant with Owen's baby.
She couldn't help but let out a cackle, with the very little breath she has.
What a sick joke.
She doesn't know if she wants to scream or laugh or cry.
She goes back to counting her breaths.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Goddamnit, Teddy.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Well, fuck.
She holds her breath until she got dizzy. She closes her eyes and exhales. Goddamnit, Owen.
She's always wanted to have kids. Well, kind of. It wasn't high on her list of priorities, but if the opportunity presented itself, she wasn't going to think twice. She just figured she would have a partner after residency, but that didn't happen. And then she became an attending there was Allison and the whole debacle, so naturally children were very far from her mind. Then the army. Who the hell wants to have a baby when you're in mortal danger every day.
She had been with a string of men but none of them were ever good enough to marry and have a child with. So she kind of put the thought of children aside. It's not that big of a deal to her. She doesn't need a child. It wasn't a lifelong dream. She just thought it was the natural order of life—you meet the love of your life, you get married, you have a child—but her life took a lot of different paths. That idea of just having a normal life was just not in the cards for her.
Now here she is, in Germany, knocked up by a man she's been in love with for decades.
So what's the issue? That man never really loved her as much as she loved him. He had always chosen other women. Other women who never wanted the same things he did.
And he showed up at her doorstep and now she's pregnant and he's halfway across the world probably back in the arms of his ex-wife.
A huge part of her wants to hide in Germany and not tell anyone she's pregnant and more importantly who the baby's father is. But she knows that's wrong.
And Owen has always wanted to be father. Always.
She's always found that charming about him. The way he talked about wanting a family. Wanting kids. A home. When they were in the army they spent countless of nights sharing dreams and talking about things they'd do when they go home. He had a fiancee waiting. A grand idyllic life. But the war changed him and his ideas and ideals. Eventually he knew the fiancee isn't what he wanted. He wanted something else. Something more. But one thing didn't change — he still wanted kids. He still wanted a family.
It would be very unfair if she just never told him. He didn't deserve that. Their child deserves a mom and a dad. So she should pack up her life and get on a plane…. maybe. Maybe not.
Owen Hunt was in her bed two months ago and now she pregnant. And alone. And her brain can't stop thinking about how Owen Hunt flew across the world to profess his love for her.
She stares at her phone. Debating if she should call him. But this isn't a conversation to have over the phone.
This is life-altering.
So she books a flight instead.
It's absolutely compulsive to just decide during a sleepless night to move back to Seattle.
She shouldn't get rid of her stuff…not yet. She'll deal with that eventually. But she has to move to Seattle. Right? She talks to herself because she's too insane to actually confide with someone about big decisions like this. It's fine. It will be fine. She will move back to Seattle and she will apologize to Owen and then he will tell her she's carrying his baby and he's going to be a father and of course she is still very much in love with him. Who cares if she's just his sloppy seconds.. his… consolation prize. None of that matters because they're going to have a baby.
She lets herself get excited for the first time. Because she and Owen are going to have a baby. They're going to be a family. Finally. It's in the stars. It's in the cards. The universe had brought them together.
Oh god. What the fuck is happening. Why did her life have to end up like this. Why did he even show up in Germany.
Why did it feel so good to be held and touched by him.
Why does she still crave his kisses.
Why did she throw him out of her place.
Why didn't he come back the next day.
It's a rollercoaster of emotions for her. She's angry and then she's sad and then she remembers how good it felt and she's happy.
But she wants this. She wants this baby and she wants to tell Owen because Owen deserves to be a dad. It's all he's dreamed about. So she should be happy about this. She should be excited. She's going to fly to Seattle and they're going to be a family.
She should have called first.
But she knows he's home. His truck is in the driveway.
But she should have called because she has this life-changing news and this isn't some news you break to someone casually.
Surprise hi it's me, you probably hate me right now, but I did just fly across the world to drop a pretty huge human bomb on you.
She landed in Seattle and could not find one soul she knew in the hospital. She eventually ran into Bailey and she somehow ended up in an OR and then was offered a job.
So things are definitely looking up? The stars are definitely aligning. Now she just have to do the thing she's been dreading.
Now she just needs to tell him. It will be fine. It will be so great. It will finally happen.
She takes a deep breath with a small smile on her face because she's actually excited now. She looks around the outside of his house and imagines living there and raising a family there. She rolls her eyes for getting too ahead of herself. But she's excited. And scared obviously. But it will be fine because she will tell Owen and he will be excited and then they live happily ever after.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
She knocks on the door. A teenager answers it.
"Oh. Hi. I'm sorry. I—I think I have the wrong house"
"Are you looking for Amelia and Owen? 'Cause they're still sleeping. The baby was up all night"
Teddy was pretty sure her heart stopped beating and a ton of bricks just fell on her. Fuck.
Run.
Just get out of there.
Run.
"I have the wrong house"
Fuck.
Damnit.
She really should have called first.
She sits in her car rental banging her head against the steering wheel. Okay. Plan B. Get back on the plane and fly back to Germany. Good thing she hasn't given up her apartment and sold all her stuff. She'll be fine in Germany. Single motherhood seems pretty…..stylish? No, no it's not. It's hard. But she can do it. She can do. She'll be fine. She just needs to get out of Seattle.
She doesn't know the full story, of course. But there's Amelia, a baby, and a teenager. Whatever is going on, she doesn't want to be a part of that. She and her baby doesn't need to be a part of whatever circus is happening. So she's just going to remove herself from the equation. She's going to find Bailey. Tell her she's not going to take her offer….as amazing and as enticing it sounds. But she just needs to go. She needs to run and hide and raise this little half-Owen growing in her.
It had only been eleven weeks and he's back with Amelia with a baby and a teenager and … that's all she needs to know. She doesn't need the full story.
She can't help but think about the day they spent together. The declarations of 'I love you' and 'I'm in love with you'. Then now she knows it was just because he was lonely. And she was just the next best thing. And when she threw him out he flew right back to Amelia because maybe she was the best thing. He didn't even fight for her.
So she's just going to get on a plane back to Germany. And she's just going to let this dream go.
So she takes a deep breath. A really deep one. Filling her lungs with all the air she can muster and she blinks away the tears as she exhales.
Maybe it wasn't in the cards after all. Maybe the stars didn't really align. But at least she'll have this baby and then maybe in a different lifetime they'll meet. But for right now she decided she'll just run back to Germany. The rest will figure itself out.
I really just wish we saw Teddy find out she's pregnant. can we have more teddy centric episodes... is that too much to ask