Darkness. Hermione was floating in a void of blackness after the potion overtook her for what felt like a lifetime before she slowly started to recover some of her senses. The first thing she noticed was the smell of parchment, and when she opened her eyes, she found herself in a grand library. Gazing around, she was struck by the sheer enormity of books surrounding her in countless rows which mimicked the layout of the Hogwarts Library, although on a much grander scale.
This must be some sort of dream or visualization brought on by the potion... Hermione thought to herself as she proceeded cautiously to the shelf closest to her and pulled one of the books from the ledge. The book appeared to be of an age, and the binding was a deep maroon with gold foil on the edges. Opening it, she was immediately pulled into a memory of her first meeting with Harry and Ron on the train to Hogwarts their first year.
Setting the book aside, she again glanced around and took in her surroundings. These books must be my memories... she thought in awe as she took in the sheer enormity of each categorized volume. Throughout her life, her parents, friends, and professors had always been astounded by her ability to recall information and remember the tiniest details about seemingly minor events in her life, but seeing how meticulously her brain had naturally organized her thoughts without even her awareness was astounding.
Suddenly, Hermione heard footsteps and the clearing of a throat from behind her, and she spun suddenly only to come face to face with Professor Dumbledore.
"Professor!" Hermione exclaimed. "What on earth are you doing lurking about in my memories? Haven't you done enough meddling when you were still with us in the physical world?" she asked angrily as she tried to process what was happening.
"Surely you realize, Hermione, that your mind has merely constructed a facsimile of my presence to guide you through the process of assimilating the memories your husband and his godson have recently unlocked with the rest of your mind?" Dumbledore replied calmly with a knowing twinkle in his eyes.
Hermione supposed this would make sense. After all, Dumbledore had always eventually explained to them the reasoning behind his machinations, even if his explanations hadn't been very timely and often led to even greater frustration after the fact. Logically, the former headmaster would be the person her mind supplied to offer context on what she was experiencing and how she was to proceed. Despite realizing it wasn't likely any real version of Professor Dumbledore standing before her, Hermione was still unable to control the anger bubbling up inside her and snapped at the elderly wizard.
"Whether or not you are merely a construct of my subconscious thoughts, I will never forgive you for everything you put Severus through during the war. How could you put him through what you did with the expectation that he should just lay down his life without one shred of happiness to cling to except the hope for redemption?! How could you so carelessly take advantage of the love he felt for his only friend and abuse it for your purposes?! Why on earth should I listen to a word you say when any 'help' you've offered in the past only served to diminish my husband's chances at future happiness?!"
Dumbledore watched Hermione with quite understanding as she ranted and finished her impassioned speech by turning from him in a huff before beginning to weep silently. After a few moments, she felt a warm but firm hand on her shoulder. "Hermione, believe me child that if I could have spared Severus the pain of the last two decades, I would have done everything in my power to help him. Tell me, my dear, do you honestly think Severus would have forgiven himself had he not suffered so? Perhaps I could have been more transparent with him and the rest of The Order along the way, but even if I had shared the ultimate outcome, do you honestly believe things would have turned out differently?" he asked Hermione gently.
"You left him without a soul to believe in him and support him as he suffered tremendously at the hands of Voldemort and his inner circle that last year. You can't honestly believe your portrait would have been enough to spare him the anguish he felt daily, knowing he could only do so much to spare the students in his care and would ultimately have to deliver his best friend's son to his death?! Why couldn't you have given him one confidant? Shared your plan with just one other person so that he might not have been alone?!" she sobbed as she confronted the man who had allowed her husband such torment.
"He asked me not to share the best of him with anyone, Hermione..." Dumbledore replied quietly. "He didn't feel he deserved it, and given the enormity of what I asked of him, I couldn't bring myself to disregard his one request. In hindsight, seeing what he has become since he's had you in his life..." the former headmaster gestured to the rows of happy memories shared between herself and Severus since the end of the war, "I wish I had done more to help him see his true worth."
Hermione and Dumbledore stared at each other for several excruciating moments before Hermione finally sighed in acceptance. "What must I do to find my way back to him?"
"Follow me, my dear." Dumbledore strode down the nearest aisle of books and the pair walked in silence for several more minutes before the older wizard and his former student approached what appeared to be a recreation of the restricted section which was seemingly open for her perusal. To the left of the unguarded gates stood a large library cart which housed several pristine and colorful volumes, and Hermione noticed the contrast between the binding of those which had been separated from the ones which remained on the shelves behind the gates. "Professor?" Hermione questioned as she looked to Dumbledore for guidance.
"The volumes on the cart were sorted by your husband and Draco and can be reintegrated with your mind relatively easily. Those that remain behind the gates, you must decide whether you'd care to retrieve those memories or leave them behind. I caution you, Hermione, Severus and Draco worked painstakingly to draw out each of those memories that were purely positive. Those that remain sequestered are those you regard with conflicting emotions at best, and some may be outright traumatic and painful. Should you decide to work through them and assemble them all with your normal thoughts, it may be difficult to relive some of those moments."
Hermione nodded as she pulled one of the volumes from the cart and opened it. She was greeted with a memory from one of her earliest visits with Severus after the semester started. She had come to ask his advice on her curriculum for the later years and remembered being thrilled when he asked her to stay for a cup of tea and a game of chess. Looking back at the multitude of books that had not made their way onto the cart she asked, "What if I decided to leave them behind?"
"That is your choice to make Hermione, but it will not be without cost. The pain and conflict we face in life are fundamental in establishing the core of our identities. Given the choice between suffering and painlessness, most would not choose a path that leads to suffering, but without those moments of trial and hardship, our hopes, our desires, and our relationships with the world and the people around us would not be the same. Without darkness, we cannot hope to appreciate the light. Consider carefully before you decide they aren't worth retrieving."
The vision of her professor began to fade, but before he disappeared Hermione asked, "Professor? This conversation we're having? Is it real? Or is it only happening in my head?"
"Of course it's happening in your head, Hermione...but that doesn't make it any less real. My presence is merely to guide your understanding of what you already know..."
With that, Dumbledore faded to no more than a wisp of smoke and then simply vanished. Hermione sighed and began sorting through the books on the cart ahead of her, enjoying reliving memory after memory of her earliest days falling in love with her husband. Some of the memories were simply clearer details or a continuation of memories that had already returned to her after the accident, but others were completely foreign to her, and she wept with joy as she re-shelved the items along with the rest of her memories.
After finishing with the items on the cart, Hermione realized that at least some desirable memories must remain behind the gates as she hadn't encountered several key moments Severus had shared with her about the early days of their relationship, including the night of Hope's conception. Hermione paced anxiously in front of the remaining shelves as she debated how to proceed. She knew it was likely that along with those memories she would likely encounter memories associated with the traumas she both witness and experienced during the war. Was it worth it to relive all of those things to recover the few memories that were desirable among them?
She considered what Dumbledore had said, and she realized that although it pained her greatly that her husband had suffered so tremendously throughout his life, he wouldn't be the man she adored today had he not undergone those experiences. He'd even previously alluded to his willingness experience every terrible, heartbreaking moment again knowing it would lead to the peace and happiness he felt in their lives together, and she believed him wholeheartedly.
Turning back toward the first row of shelves, Hermione pulled down the first book and severed the chain attaching it to the wood ledge. As she did so, she could hear the gentle murmuring of her husband's voice in the back of her mind, begging her to come back to him and their daughter. She knew it was most likely her mind's way of urging her forward, but his pleading words of love were exactly what she needed. Bracing herself as she cracked the spine, she thought I can face anything for you Severus, and she opened the book.
What felt like an eternity later, Hermione was down to the last book behind the gates in the library. She had relived her torture at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange, the deaths of Fred, Tonks, and Remus, and perhaps worst of all, the memory of her obliviating her parents and watching them pack up her childhood home from the park across the street as they left for Australia. She was emotionally exhausted, but she had done it, and she was holding in her hands what she knew would be the memory of the night of Hope's conception. Despite the countless hours of tears she had shed throughout the process, part of her was grateful this was the last memory to be retrieved as if she had encountered it early, the temptation to stop and simply leave the rest behind would have been too great.
As she ran her fingers along the spine in consideration of what she would encounter inside, she wondered what it was about this memory that was anything except happy for her? Severus had shared the story of that night with her countless times in his efforts to help her remember, and from everything he'd said, they had both felt a deep connection with one another and there was nothing negative he could recall from their encounter. Knowing speculation and anxiety would get her nowhere, she opened the book and was instantly transported to the night before she'd been summoned to Hogwarts.
She watched in awe as she encountered the handsome man at the bar, now in hindsight knowing he was indeed her husband in disguise, and recognized the same look of fascination on her own face that night she frequently possessed even now while watching Severus work, cook, or simply read in his wing-backed chair next to the fireplace in their quarters. She surveyed herself as she become enamored with the stranger before allowing herself to be invited back to his home and have rapturously fantastic sex only to wake the next morning and realize soberly that he had been using her charm and was likely not seeking anything more than a dalliance. Seeing the heartbroken look in her own eyes before she apparated, Hermione immediately understood why she had conflicting emotions about the night.
The connection they had shared made her sorely hope at the time that it might lead to something more, but knowing they had both approached one another as disguised versions of themselves had instantly shattered any fleeting desire to ask him if he'd like to see her again and had caused her to flee without even asking his name. Knowing she had realized she was pregnant months later, her lack of inhibitions and carelessness in failing to use protection filled her with shame. Even knowing that it was ultimately the man who was a perfect match for her in every way did little to assuage her guilt for acting so rashly with a man she'd never met, and Hermione's self-loathing for giving herself so completely to a stranger had her feeling overcome with regret.
At that moment, Hermione heard Severus at the back of her mind again and she could hear him talking to their daughter about how much he loved them both and couldn't wait for her mommy to wake while Hope burbled happily. Somehow, Hermione knew this was not a figment of her imagination, but rather an awareness of the world outside of her mind. She listened emotionally as Severus told their daughter how thankful he was for their presence in his life and how excited he was for Hermione to wake so they could return home and begin their lives as a family of three. Hermione knew, in that moment, that no matter how conflicted she felt about the night of Hope's conception, she couldn't bring herself to truly regret it...not after knowing what joy it had brought to both of their lives with the birth of their little girl.
Although Hermione had never been one to believe in soul mates or that there was one person destined for her, she couldn't shake the feeling that fate had stepped in that night and coerced them both to behave in a manner which would have been out-of-character in normal circumstances. Both she and Severus had betrayed their typical sensibilities, but that moment of frivolity where both had thrown caution to the wind a manner wholly unexpected for either of them ultimately led to Hope's conception and entrance into the world. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she placed the book containing the memory among the others in the main section of the library as The Restricted Section slowly vanished. As she opened her eyes, Hermione was back in her hospital bed looking on as her husband rocked their daughter and stroked her cheek soothingly as he hummed a lullaby. "Severus..." Hermione said softly, and his love-filled eyes locked with hers instantly.
"Hermione..." Severus breathed in relief as he rose quickly but gently with their daughter and transfigured his wife's bed into one large enough for him to join her. He placed their daughter into her mother's waiting arms first before pulling his beloved to him and kissing her deeply as he threaded his fingers through her riotous curls. Hermione deepened the kiss as she reached up with the arm not supporting Hope's head and stroked his cheek. When they finally parted, tears were streaming down both of their faces as Severus brought his forehead to rest against his wife's. "We've missed you so much, my love," he sighed as he wrapped both his wife and his daughter in his arms and caressed every bit of flesh he could find as if he were a man starved of physical affection.
"How long was I under?" Hermione asked as she shifted more comfortably against the pillows and started unbuttoning her nightgown to feed Hope.
"Nearly a week, love." Severus replied as he continued rubbing her arms lovingly before he kissed her forehead one last time and helped her get into a comfortable position to feed. Anticipating Hermione's questions about their daughter, he told her, "Hannah has been using a spell to express your milk for Hope and I have been feeding her at your bedside. I don't think she enjoys taking a bottle as much as she does feeding directly from the source though..." Severus smirked as he watched Hope suckle hungrily at Hermione's breast.
"Have you been alright, Severus?" Hermione asked gently as she took in her husband's relieved expression.
"I've been better, admittedly..." Severus started cautiously. "Actually it's been hell waiting for you to wake up Hermione. Draco and I did what we could, but we underestimated just how wonderfully amazing your mind would be, love. It took us longer than anticipated to uncover where you'd deposited your missing memories and then once we'd discovered them, we'd spent too long in your mind to reintegrate them all. It's been horrible waiting for you to wake up, feeling powerless to do anything other than hope what we had managed was enough..."
"It was enough, Severus. I wasn't aware of time as I was experiencing it all inside my mind, but I was able to retrieve those memories you and Draco were unable to, and I think that's the reason it took me so long to wake."
"If you retrieved them all, were you able to find..." Severus started and then stopped, rethinking whether now was the right time to broach the subject of Hope's conception. Sighing, he elected to continue. "I know Hope's conception was one of the memories Draco and I couldn't retrieve...I also know, it must have held some...conflicting emotions for you," he shared choosing his words carefully.
"I did," Hermione answered, "And you're right. The night of Hope's conception was a hard memory for me because the man I met in that bar and I shared what I thought was a deep and meaningful connection that night, and I was devastated to learn he'd likely only wanted to invite someone into his bed for one night when I woke and realized he'd used my charm."
"I assure you, Hermione...that was never my intention. After you'd left, I woke and was sorely disappointed I'd never asked for your name or a means to contact you again. If I hadn't felt the same way, I never would have invited you into my bed...surely you know I would never engage in meaningless sex?"
"Of course I know that now, Severus...but I had no way of knowing it was you at the time. Reliving that memory, I was not only disappointed at the idea that we would likely never see one another again, but also disappointed in myself that I'd let my emotions run away with me and give myself so freely to someone who seemingly had no interest in anything lasting or serious. I was even more ashamed I had been so careless as to forget a contraception charm in the heat of the moment."
"Do you regret it?" Severus asked her, pulling away to meet her eyes.
"Initially I thought I did...but then I heard you with our daughter, and I knew that no matter how ashamed I was of my carelessness, I could never regret the joy it has brought me. Regardless of what happened that night, Severus, I love you and our daughter so much, and although it would have been ideal to have a more typical courtship and relationship before she entered our lives, I do not regret either of you...not for one heartbeat."
Severus sighed in relief as he pulled Hermione back to him and kissed her again. "Nor do I love, nor do I..." he murmured against her lips before he pressed his lips to hers again and gently ran his tongue along the seam. She opened for him passionately accepting his kiss until Hope fussed impatiently between them.
"Don't worry little one," Severus murmured, "we love you too, my sweet girl." He leaned and kissed Hope's forehead after Hermione brought her to her shoulder for a quick burp. As though she felt the newly restored peace between her parents, Hope quickly drifted off to sleep, and Severus gently nestled her in her bassinette before rejoining Hermione in bed and wrapping his wife in his arms.
"Severus? Is it true that you asked Dumbledore not to share your true loyalties and the reason behind them with anyone during the war?" Hermione asked cautiously, knowing this would likely be a difficult subject for her husband.
"What on earth could have prompted that question, Hermione?" her husband asked.
"Dumbledore showed me how to access the rest of my missing memories. I might have let my emotions get the better of me during our...discussion."
"I'm going to guess it was less a discussion than an argument about how you feel he treated me during the war?" Hermione nodded and Severus sighed. "Yes, Hermione. I didn't think anyone knowing my motivations for turning to the light were relevant, and at the time, I wasn't comfortable with Mr. Potter knowing the true feelings I once had for his mother. I had intended to take all of it with me to the grave..."
"But why, Severus? You could have had allies! At least one person should have known where you stood after Dumbledore died. How can you think you deserved to have everyone hate you for his death like that?"
"Hermione...you have to understand...at the time I felt Lily's death rested solely on my shoulders. Now I realize that despite my obvious hand in it, it likely would have happened whether I'd passed along the details of that prophecy or not. It's taken years to get to that point of acceptance, and when Dumbledore approached me about his so-called 'mercy killing,' I knew the best way to ensure Voldemort's trust in me was to cut all ties with The Order and make everyone believe I'd been evil all along. The accompanying isolation seemed a just reward for all the pain I felt I'd caused, and I was determined to suffer in silence for my transgressions. I know it's hard for you to accept, but had it not happened that way, I'm not sure I could have ever forgiven myself for what happened to Lily and it would have been that much harder to move forward with you."
"The pain and conflict we face in life are fundamental in establishing the core of our identities. Given the choice between suffering and painlessness, most would not choose a path that leads to suffering, but without those moments of trial and hardship, our hopes, our desires, and our relationships with the world and the people around us would not be the same..." mumbled Hermione absently as she nuzzled into her husband's chest.
"Quite..." replied Severus as he pulled her more firmly to him. "Please know, Hermione, that every bit of suffering was worth it to lead me to you and Hope."
"I know, Severus..." Hermione said. "Of course I wish it could have been different for both of us, that we would have found one another and our happiness together without the pain, but I suppose I can appreciate where that suffering has ultimately led for us and the life we have together now as a result. I would face it all again for you too, Severus," Hermione whispered as she settled against her husband.
"You did, Hermione..." he whispered as sleep overcame them. "In the depths of your mind, you did."
A/N: Another long chapter, and now we know how Hermione experience went within her own memories. What did you think?
The idea of not wanting to suffer, but appreciating the opportunities you've had in life as a result of some of the challenges you face is something I think about all the time. Being a cancer survivor, I've had the opportunity to have some incredible experiences and meet some wonderfully amazing people I would have never met without my diagnosis. A fellow survivor and friend once said to me, "Given the choice between cancer and no cancer, I would obviously have chosen no cancer. BUT since I was not given a choice, I am thankful for the positive life experiences and a shift in mindset that came about directly as a result of being sick." That sentiment has stuck with me ever since...
I'd like to think those who survived the war in wizarding world would eventually come to a similar realization: of course they all wish the war would never have happened and they could have had normal childhoods free of suffering and abuse that came from a variety of sources in the stories...but I think they could find gratitude in the more tolerant world left behind in the wake of the war and in the closeness they share with one another.
We're actually getting close to the conclusion of the story! There will be a bit of a time jump before the next chapter (maybe two depending on how I feel once I finish editing) and then an epilogue so I can deal with the few loose threads to tie up and then Anonymously Charming will be completed! Tell me-are there any lingering questions you want answered that haven't been addressed in the plot so far? I love reading your reviews so please share your thoughts with me!