Chapter 25

Ana

I'm in a huge, black room. Is it black? Or is it dark? The only thing I can see is myself when I look down. How did I get here? Where is here?

A bright spot catches my attention. It must be 50 feet away. It's Christian, sitting in a chair. He's gazing away from me.

"Christian?"

He doesn't look at me. He just stares off into the black.

"Christian?" I call a little louder. He still won't look at me. "Christian! Christian, please!"

He slowly turns his head. He looks at me with complete indifference. His eyes are cold, empty, uninterested.

"C-Christian?"

He just looks away.

"Christian! Please!" He's still not looking. He's moving further and further away. I start running, but I'm already losing sight of him. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

I sit bolt upright in bed, gasping. My heart is pounding, I'm drenched in sweat, and the sheets are twisted around my body, so tight it feels like I'm being squeezed by a python.

I extricate myself, shoving all the suffocating bedding away from me. I can't breathe. I need air. I push myself out of bed and move quickly and unsteadily downstairs, opening the doors to the patio facing the water. I take shallow gasps as the cool night air starts to slow my heart rate. The moon is reflecting off the water in a way that's almost blinding. I bring my hand to my eyes and feel the moisture seeping from them.

For once, there's no one around to be brave for. There's no need to filter how I feel. The walls are cracking ever since I finally talked to Christian, and just like I predicted, everything is starting to leak through.

The shaking spasms in my chest are becoming painful as I try to suppress my tears. Let it go. I lean against the railing at the side of the patio, drop my head into my hands, and just weep.

I'm in the waiting room before my appointment with Catherine on Thursday afternoon. I ended up being a bit too early, but I was starting to feel stir crazy. Time away from Grey Publishing was supposed to give me time to focus on music, but honestly, I've spent most of this week putting of the requests from Ezra and the entertainment agent he procured for me, Beth. They want to begin promoting a single. I'm not exactly sure why I'm pumping the brakes, and I haven't had much energy to think about it, since I'm now being plagued with nightmares and can't seem to sleep through the night.

While I sit there and fiddle with a magazine, I feel my phone vibrating. I pull it out, expecting to tell Ezra to call me later, and am shocked to see that it's my mother.

She never calls unless she wants something, or someone is dead. On the off chance that it's the latter, I pick up. "Hello?"

"Ana? It's been forever since you called me. Since when am I reduced to hearing about your personal life through the magazines?"

What karmic imbalance is it that led me to having this conversation today? "I don't really know what you're talking about."

"Come on, Ana, don't be coy. Divorce and new boyfriend, huh? What's going on? You used to actually tell me things."

Yes, that was before I had my own children and realized that I could never treat them the way you treat me. Unlike you, I don't see them as an inconvenience that stopped me from really living my life. And I'd definitely never miss their graduation because my flavor of the month can't walk to the fridge by himself.

I take a deep breath, willing my inner monologue to put a sock in it. "I don't have a boyfriend and we are not divorced."

"Then where is your wedding ring? And who is that man?"

"Ezra is a friend. Christian and I are taking a break, but no divorce has been filed." I can already feel a headache coming on.

"Oh, dear. Well, marriages hardly last these days, and you were so young when you entered that entanglement." Entanglement? That's what we call marrying someone you love? She continues, my nerves grating. "The good news is you'll be set for life once things are filed. Maybe you should come and visit me!"

"Mom, my kids are here. I can't just up and leave." And why would I want to? Proposing a visit right after you remind me how rich I'll be, very subtle.

"I thought they had a nanny?"

Please hang up, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm. "Gail watches them sometimes, but have you ever considered that I don't want to leave them?"

"Oh, of course I understand, honey, but…"

"Actually, Mom, I'm about to walk into a meeting. Can we talk some other time?" I cut her off.

"Oh, sure. Think about a visit!"

I mutter some response and hang up. God forbid she ever boards a plane herself and visits her grandchildren. Or, you know, me.

I massage my temples and try to dismiss the stress of that conversation. Catherine opens the door after a few minutes and ushers me into her office, where I lean against the back of the couch, rubbing my tired eyes.

"Hello, Ana. How are you doing?" she asks kindly.

"It's been a little rough lately… I'm having trouble sleeping," I admit.

She nods sympathetically. "What's keeping you up at night?"

"I talked to Christian on Monday… our first real conversation since he came back. Ever since then, I have these horrible dreams."

"Oh? Can you describe them?"

"It's always the same. It's really dark, and then I see Christian. I'm screaming his name and he won't look at me, and then when he finally does, he's just… it looks like he'd rather be looking at anything but me. I wake up covered in sweat and just feeling so… empty."

"This has been happening since you spoke on Monday?" I nod. "How did the talk go?"

"It was… a lot. Productive, but exhausting. There were some really suggestive photos of me and Ezra in LA together that came out recently…"

"Ah, yes, your performance!"

I smile. "Yes, which went very well. But I ended up twisting my ankle as we were leaving the venue and Ezra carried me to the car, there were some pictures taken, and things just got taken way out of context. Christian is… on the jealous side, so I tried to go over to his apartment when I landed in Seattle, but he wouldn't let me in. So, I ended up taking myself to the hospital to get my ankle checked out. His mother works there, I ran into her, and I guess she told Christian where I was. He came over to the hospital and apologized for locking me out, then we decided to talk the next day. I explained what was going on in the photos… which meant coming clean that I've been making music."

"And how did he take that?"

"He was… upset at first. I think he was just in shock. He asked why I didn't tell him, I reminded him of the fact that communication with him hasn't been easy as of late, and he calmed down. We ended up talking calmly, and he was so… supportive. He asked me lots of questions. He seemed genuinely interested. He said he just wanted me to be happy…" I wring my hands in my lap and my voice trails off.

"Well… it sounds like on the surface, this was an overall positive step for you two. Your communication had been severely lacking, but it seems like you were able to get some things out in the open. How has it been feeling for you since then?"

I fold my fingers together, trying to stop my shaking hands. "I feel like for the last year I've felt so numb, and that was safe. I was hiding behind it and it meant I was able to continue on with my life. But… I can't seem to find the numbness anymore. I'm just feeling so many things at once." My voice starts to break at the end.

"Yes, I can understand that that must be overwhelming. Let's try to slow down for a minute. Can you identify some of the feelings, give them a name?"

I inhale slowly, feeling my lungs expand and focusing on the sensation. It grounds me slightly. "I feel… betrayed, scared to open up again, scared for what the future holds. And yet, I miss him so much. Just being in the same room as him feels like I'm being torn in half. On one hand, I wish he would just leave me alone to lick my wounds and try to move on, but on the other, I feel like there's so much more to this and there's just something I'm not seeing and if we could just get over that, we could be happy. I still see in him the same person I fell in love with. I just have no idea what to do with that. And my trust issues aren't going anywhere. I just feel like there's no way to be happy in either direction."

She takes notes diligently as I speak. "Explain that to me. What do the two directions look like?"

"I can get back together with him and always wonder if he's going to hurt me again, or I can close that door forever and always wonder what might have been."

"Ah," she says, nodding. "I see. We've discussed that ambivalence is a very normal reaction to a struggling marriage. This seems like a very complicated situation. You mentioned that your husband wants to repair the marriage?"

I nod, wiping away a tear that escaped. "Yes. He actually asked me to consider couples counseling."

"What are your thoughts on that?"

"I don't know. It seems like it doesn't make much sense to do unless I figure out what I'm feeling. Plus, at this point, I can't look much further into the future than what I'm having for dinner tonight, so I don't know how I feel about potentially… getting back together."

"May I share a thought?" she asks.

"Please." Give me some guidance, it's a mess in here.

"A common misconception about couples counseling is that it's for couples who are ready to get back together. It can help work out the issues preventing a happy union and lead to a better one, or on the other hand, it can simply help provide closure to a relationship. Instead of you as individuals being the clients, the relationship is the client, and some relationships aren't healthy to continue. I'm not saying that's the case for you and your husband, I'm just saying that there are many ways that couples counseling can provide emotional support that don't necessarily lead to a reconciliation."

"Oh. So, we could go without the pressure of getting back together?"

"That is a possibility, yes. But our focus here is on what you want. I'm curious, you mentioned that your performance in LA went well?"

"Yes, it did." I recount the standing ovations, the rush, the smiles and tears.

She smiles encouragingly. "My goodness. It sounds like Ezra was right to see something in you. You've been saying how liberating that making music has been. Do you have any next steps planned?"

I squirm in my seat. "Not… yet. Ezra wants to put out a single. He says it's ready, but…"

"But you're not?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Failing. Being laughed at. Being a disappointment."

"Where do you think these fears are coming from? Because from what you just told me, your capability as a musician is far from disappointing."

"Because for my whole life, I was no one until Christian decided I was someone. No one cared about me, no one looked twice at me. It's only because of who I'm married to. And now… there's already some separation from that. What if no one wants anything to do with me unless it's as Mrs. Grey? My own mother doesn't even care to talk to me unless it's to remind me how much money I'll get in the divorce."

"Your mother? You've never mentioned her. I assume the relationship isn't close?"

I snort. "I used to think it was, and then I became a mother and realized that she's always treated me as an obligation. I was always in second place to whatever man was in her life. She just called me before this session and all she wanted to talk about was how I should ditch my kids and come visit her now that my marriage is over."

"I see. So, then, your stepfather also treats you as an obligation?"

"Ray? No, he's been a father to me since the beginning. I've never felt like he didn't want me around. He chose to be my father and he always has been."

"But you just said that no one ever cared about you until Christian?" I blink in confusion. "Ana, what I'm trying to get at is that I believe your self-esteem is preventing you from seeing the fact that many have seen potential in you. For example, Ezra hardly knew you when he took a chance on you, and now he believes in you as a professional. Based on your performance, it sounds like he was right. But I have a theory that the dreams you've been having, coupled with your self-doubt, is clouding your judgement. I just want you to consider, all outside voices and fears aside, what do you want?"

I wrap my arms around myself and sigh. All outside voices and fears aside... "I want to try to be something outside of being Mrs. Grey, and that's what music has been for me."

She sets her notebook down on her lap and leans back in her chair, grinning with satisfaction. "So, what now?"

I wake on Sunday morning feeling refreshed, finally achieving a full night of dreamless sleep. The night before, I'd finally given in and contacted Ezra. I approved the release of our very first single on this coming Friday, and he's going to begin promoting me to his massive Instagram following on Monday. My nerves haven't gone away, but after my talk with Catherine, I realized that if I wait until I feel ready, I might be waiting a very long time. Carpe diem.

I glance over at the clock to find that it's just over a half an hour until Christian arrives to get the kids. Traditionally, I hide in some faraway corner until he leaves, but in the spirit of co-parenting, successful discussions, and being brave, I decide that being present would be acceptable for today. Very mature. About time.

I go and get Phoebe out of bed, quickly getting her dressed and ready, then peek in at Teddy. He's already put on his pants and is struggling to get into a shirt. I giggle and help him pull it over his head. "Good morning, Teddy bear."

"Morning, Mommy!" He throws his arms around my neck for a second then bolts towards the stairs. I quickly scoop up Phoebe and follow him, making sure he doesn't fall.

I find Gail in the kitchen downstairs, looking a bit flustered and sleep-deprived. "Good morning, Gail."

"Ana! You're… up," she says, her brow wrinkling in confusion.

Yes, I finally make a grand Sunday morning appearance. "Why don't you go relax? I can get them ready."

"Oh. Are you sure?" She gives me a scrutinizing look.

I walk up next to her and take over her breakfast preparations. "Yes. It's your day off. I appreciate that you've taken the pressure off of me to do this for the last few weeks, but it's time to be an adult now."

She gives me a grateful smile and pats my shoulder, then exits the room. I finish up making their breakfast then sit at the counter to drink my coffee.

Soon, I hear the front door open. "In here, Daddy!" Teddy calls, too engrossed in his toast to get up and say hello.

Christian walks into the kitchen and I almost choke on my coffee. Jesus Christ, does he have to be that gorgeous every second? He stops in his tracks in the doorway and his eyes widen as he sees me sitting there. I swallow my mouthful of coffee and manage to smile at him.

"Look, Daddy, Mommy's here!" Teddy says, pointing at me.

We both laugh as our son states the obvious. "I see that. Good morning, Ana," he says as he walks in, his eyes soft. "I'm sorry that I didn't knock… you said…"

"Don't be silly," I cut him off. "It's your house too, I meant that."

He gives me a breathtaking smile. What was the point in drinking coffee? Because if he keeps doing that, I'm about to be knocked right out. "So… how has your week been?" His voice has an undercurrent of nerves to it.

"It was… okay," I say halfheartedly.

"Very convincing," he says sarcastically, and I can't help but smile. Playful Christian is out today. Damn, I've got no chance.

"Okay, it was a bit long. I just have a lot on my mind."

His expression darkens with a shadow of concern. "Anything I could help with?"

"No, I…" My refusal is barely out of my mouth before my thoughts are reprimanding me. Don't lie. You have to start moving on. You have to establish some relationship, don't you? And he asked. He didn't have to ask. I sigh. "Actually, maybe."

His eyebrows raise a fraction, and a hopeful smile dons his lips. "I'm all ears."

I glance at Teddy chowing down on his breakfast, choosing my words carefully. "How do you think I should tell your family about… why I'm hanging around with Ezra? We talked and it looks like the first one is coming out on Friday. I thought maybe I could… give you all a sneak peek? I mean, if you think anyone would want that."

"First of all, they're your family too." He gives me a mock stern look that cracks another smile out of me. "Second, I'm sure they would love that… and I would too. How were you planning on telling them?"

"Well, I thought of inviting everyone to dinner and maybe introducing Ezra, but then I'd have to either play live or listen to my own songs and…" I shudder. "Yeah, that sounds a little scary. So, then I thought maybe an email with some links so everyone can listen on their own time?"

His expression clouds at the mention of Ezra but has cooled by the time I finish talking. He nods impassively. "I think that would be appropriate. I'm sure they'll appreciate the thought."

"Mommy," Teddy whines impatiently. "I figured out what I want for my birthday."

"Oh? What's that?"

"Peanut butter. And a toy boat and a toy car," he says very seriously. With that, he slides off his stool and heads off in the direction of his toy room to grab his things.

I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle my snicker. "Peanut butter. Thank goodness, I don't have to go far for that one."

"Maybe I could get him a boat. The Anastasia?"

I smack him on the arm before I can stop myself. Jeez. What happened to those boundaries? His eyes widen and then a mischievous smile plays at his lips. "He's going to be five, Christian. No yachts." I sigh. "Our baby isn't a baby anymore."

He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I shiver. Is it cold in here? "Where did five years go?" he murmurs.

I look down, his gaze starting to make me dizzy. "I really don't know."

Phoebe starts to fuss, drawing his attention away from me. I move to get up and he places a hand lightly on my shoulder. "I've got it." He picks her up and kisses her cheek. "Hello, princess. Did you have a good sleep?"

My heart warms watching them together. He used to always go and get her in her crib in the mornings before… My heart stutters and all at once, images from my dreams and from the few, chilly visits we had over the last year flash through my mind. Bored. Sick of you. Mind elsewhere. He doesn't want you.

I slide stiffly off of my stool and bring my hand to my head, a sudden headache hitting as my intrusive thoughts continue to bombard me. Christian looks up, startled. "Ana? Are you okay?"

"Yes, fine. I won't keep you. Have a good day." I practically bolt for the stairs before he can answer. I end up in the spare bedroom I've adopted as my own, having not been able to stomach going near our bedroom since the day the separation agreement was signed.

I run both hands through my hair, kneading my scalp, trying to banish my thoughts and return to Earth. I head to the bathroom and look in the mirror, brushing away the stray tear I see trickling down my cheek. And to think… for a second, it almost felt normal.

I stare down at the marble counter and brace myself against it, feeling my weight sag forward. Will it always be like this?

A/N: So, Ana is dealing with some major insecurity and doesn't quite know what to do with her feelings, but she's trying. They're both trying. Ana isn't sure how she feels about couples counseling yet, but it seems like Catherine gave her a lot to think about.

I'm feeling for both of them. Are we still taking sides? I don't think I can choose anymore!

Anyway, I noticed that the last chapter didn't get as much engagement as they usually do. Please remember to leave a review, whether you liked or disliked it! Constructive criticism is welcome. Plot discussions are welcome. Your thoughts do mean something to me. Thanks for reading. :)