"I don't know." Cassian drawled circling me like a vulture. "Maybe another sweater." He gave me a vicious smile and I fought down my blush turning my head away to look outside. There was a snowstorm just a few feet from me, but somehow the magic that Rhys had placed over this palace kept its cold from touching me.
"I'm fine." I huffed glancing down to my already overpacked frame. Cassian had somehow convinced Madja that going outside would be good for me.
She had burst into the room startling both Azriel and I, both awake. We had thankfully been on our separate sides, the covers between us. I was proud that I didn't somehow scooch closer in my sleep. I doubted Azriel would be very welcoming if I did. However, I did notice Azriel snatching his hand back. A hand that had been resting gently on my side. She had shooed him out, and I found it amusing that he quickly did as she said. He only shot me one last look before she shut the door behind him.
"I'll have to have a talk with that one." She had muttered before ordering me to strip. She had checked my back out, pressing gently here and there. For the most part the pain had actually died down, and I wondered just how bad the wound could have been.
"It's scarred." She said solemnly, watching me closely.
"That's okay," I said with a shrug. "I used to have lots of scars." I tried to look at my back, but Madja was quick to rap on my knee to get my attention.
"Here, dear." She held out a hand and led me to a mirror in the bathroom. The scar had been big, spanning most of the upper part of my back. It was a horrible dark reddish purple. Thick black lines had started to show through the skin there, re-establishing the markings that mysteriously covered this body. It was grotesque, and I turned away quickly forcing myself to put on a relaxed smile.
"Burn scars are awful." I said shrugging. "I had them all over my arms, always wore hoodies to cover them up. They eventually turned silver though, after a few years." I had tried to keep the conversation light.
"Fae bodies rarely scar, and these will become much smaller. Hopefully your body will eventually heal it completely. But, there is a chance that they will stay." Madja explained patiently. "Only great trauma can do this." I flinched and her expression softened the smallest bit.
"Cassian has asked for you to go with them into a snowstorm. So long as you wear extra layers and don't overly strain yourself I don't see how it will hurt." Madja looked me over closely and nodded to herself. "You may bathe yourself. I'll get Rhysand to send some clothes. I've been told he wants to talk to you today." She warned, giving me that kind smile. "However, do not use any of your magic right now. We need all your energy going toward healing your body. Any tests he may want to run will just have to wait. I'll be back tomorrow dear."
Sure enough when I had exited the bathroom having finally washed myself of sweat, dirt, and leftover blood a whole ensemble of warm clothing was laid out on the newly made bed. The underclothing was made of a soft and light material that was rather pretty though it did happen to be just light enough to have the black of the runes bleed through. A simple shirt paired with shorts. The next set was a thick woven sweater and thicker pants, with the first set easily sliding underneath almost like boxers and an undershirt. I pulled on the socks left out for me then donned the most outerwear, which was a fur lined jacket and snow boots. I felt a little overdressed, and I didn't quite like that the clothing was just given to me but I wasn't quite sure how I would make money in this world.
Cassian stopped in front of me, jerking my mind back to the moment. He was dressed a little warmly, but his wings were still bare to the air. I wondered if they often got cold. Hazel eyes drilled into my own, once again reminding me just how handsome Cassian really was. His features were strong hard lines, giving him a cocky brash look without him really trying. Shoulder length black hair curled around his face, looking wild and untamable as ever.
"Like what you see?" He purred.
"Hmmm….still deciding." I shot back dragging my eyes up and down his body once. Whatever training he had undergone, or still undergoes, had to be harsh to make his muscles that cut. Even under the thicker clothing you could tell that he was very fit. He gave me that familiar smile, his eyes flickering with something untamed.
"Would you like some convincing?" He took a half step forward.
"It'd take a lot." I hummed enjoying the competitive light that entered his eyes. This kind of interaction was easy. I fell into the rhythm of our banter as if I were made for it.
"Down boy." Mor's voice immediately complicated my thoughts, flashing me between Azriel's unrequited feelings and my own. She looked me over, reading my expression, and gave me a tight smile. "Hi Nova."
"Mor." I forced myself to give her a smile. It wasn't her fault. I knew that much at least.
She was stunning. I looked anywhere but directly at her.
The main part of Rhysand's palace was nothing but a sprawling open hall with moonstone pillars standing like sentinels above us. Small reading nooks and desks were dotted around, sectioned off by flowing sheer curtains that hung from above. It was magnificent and very much reminded me of the night, which I supposed this palace was supposed to do.
"Madja said you're ready to be moved. As long as you don't over do it, that is." Mor aimed that last bit at Cassian who gave a brash and cocky smile back.
"We'll be good, won't we Nova?" He asked, slinging his arm around my shoulders. I expected his arm to land heavily and braced myself, but I could honestly hardly feel the brush of him at all. "I mean, just look at this face. Does it scream mischief to you?" He asked, pinching my cheek slightly.
"Not her face I'm worried about."
Cassian simply tucked me a little closer to him. "My face is perfectly innocent I'll have you know." He shot back. Mor broke out in peals of laughter at the statement, and Cassian huffed and turned me to fully face him. "Now, with your permission we're going to take you back to Velaris. Playing in the snow out here is pretty dangerous. We don't know how you'll react to the thinner air."
I swallowed hard, feeling my stomach rumble with anxiety and unease. Going back to Velaris. I wasn't sure I was ready for anything.
"Where will I stay?" The question was small and I hated myself just a bit at the tiny waiver in my voice.
"The House of Wind is always-" Mor began, but stopped when she saw me flinch. It had been so...big. Too big and so high up. I could remember vividly the ground rushing towards me. The fear and confusion and heartache all wrapped a rough hand around my neck and squeezed.
"I don't understand why you want me to stay here." I told them honestly. Well, more toward Cassian.
"You're our friend." Mor answered.
"No." I tried to ignore the way they shifted. "I mean, I am your friend. At least I think so, but Zellos played that same card and all he was after was breeding me." The last words choked out of me. "I….I need to know what you all really want of me. I can't….you can't force me. I won't-"
Cassian went very still. The air in my lungs shriveled away.
"Zellos Vanserra." It wasn't a question but I nodded at Cassian anyway, rendered suddenly mute.
Mor stepped toward me, unsure but suddenly very pained. "Nova….what do you mean breeding you?" They were both so still. Like living statues. "Forcing you?" Her voice strained a bit.
I shook my head and took a step back, unsure where to hide in this large and open hall. "He didn't….I fought back….. I didn't let him…." I pressed a hand to my ribs, whole again.
"Tell us." Cassian's voice was low and barely contained.
I shook my head taking another step back. I couldn't think about it.
"There's no reason you should be treating me this nicely." I said instead, grabbing onto a spark of my anger. Letting it burn and breathe and consume me. Rather that than the fear. The paralysis that had threatened to invade my very blood. "You want something out of me. It's obvious that's all you want out of me. For all I know you all made up the Mate thing too, so you could keep me."
"What did they tell you about us?" Mor sounded aghast, and part of me balked at the horror in her tone.
"You're not this stupid." Cassian's voice was sharp and hard, like a blade and I found myself moving away from him dancing backwards as if I were avoiding a blow.
"Cassian." Mor hissed.
"You're right, I'm not stupid and people don't just help you out of the kindness of the hearts." I tasted hot metal and something inside me shook itself awake and unfurled along my limbs. Far far away I felt a curious sensation of something stirring as well. Ancient, older than the land itself. Just as I was.
"Nova," Mor tried to calm me. I shook my head, more to try and shake away the strange thoughts than Morrigan's sentiments.
"What do you want from me?" I asked again, surprised to hear a strange note in my voice. Cassian subtly moved in front of Morrigan. His feet spread, his wings tucked back. A fighting stance.
"Stop it, she's not going to hurt us. You know that Cassian." Morrigan snapped at the huge Illyrian warrior.
"Do I?"
The voices were with me but silent, almost waiting to see what I would do. I could feel that paradoxical presence hovering about me.
Of course I wouldn't hurt them.
Of course we wouldn't hurt them without cause.
"I can't pay for the things you've given me." I said turning on heel and marching trying to force out whatever strange and ancient energy was filling me. "I know better than to think you'd house me at all if it weren't for Azriel claiming me as his mate. We all know he's in love with you, Morrigan. So why am I still here?"
"I-" Familiar pain flashed through her eyes, ones I had seen in a stolen moment from the shadowsinger. Things I shouldn't know.
"I don't blame you." I forced my voice to soften. To try and wipe the guilt and pain from her face. "Hell I don't blame him. It's very hard not to love you Mor."
Surprise flickered between the two of them. Cassian's wings relaxed confusion replacing the hard determination in his face. I wonder what I must have looked like for Cassian to go on the defensive. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
"Beron found me in the forest." They deserved to know, I told myself as I spoke. "I don't know how I ended up there to be honest. I was just so mad at Azriel. So mad at myself." I found myself slumping down too hot in my thick outfit. Simply sitting on the floor. "This place, you people, it was all just some pretty dream. Something better. A place where people actually seemed to want me around. Where I had a new body. No more scars. No more long sleeves and waiting for them to try and snag me again."
Mor ducked around Cassian and sat near me on the floor, offering her hand. I wasn't sure why, but I took it.
"But it was so hard to be in a stranger's body. To be so overwhelmed and out of your depth. I couldn't accept it. I wanted to just wake up. So I did what I always do in dreams. I tried to kill myself." The words felt like I had dropped a bomb. I wondered if Azriel had kept that secret for me. They seemed surprised. Cassian was suddenly on my other side wrapping his calloused hands around my own. "It didn't work. I realized it was real, but it was too late. But Azriel…..he dove after me. He saved me but all I could think of is what everyone had been keeping from me. If it was real then it mattered. All of it suddenly mattered and….I don't know how it happened. I'm still not quite sure how it happens just that I need blood. But I made him tell the truth. And when I found out that he was supposed to be my soulmate it was just too much. I just wanted to get away. Anywhere else. And then….I was somewhere else."
I'm not sure how long I spent telling them what words came slow and hesitant at first. I tried my best to explain everything in detail, leaving nothing out even if it was embarrassing or hard. All except one. A secret I had no right in sharing, one that I saw through different eyes. Eventually I shed my coat, as did Mor and Cassian. I told them of every good thing Zellos did for me. What Beron told me. How despite their understanding of my plight and how unacceptable it was that no one in the Night Court taught me magic, they themselves only busied me. Never made a move to truly help me save for distracting me with the promise of true companionship. Of understanding and commitment.
How blind I had been.
My voice gave out a few times as I explained what happened when I uncovered their ruse. Zellos' attempt on me. Mor muttered her approval when I told them how I fought him off. Cassian nodded and squeezed my hand, his eyes strangely distant and hard.
"His brother found us." I quietly said, looking to my hands. "He called me Illadrin. I thought that Eris was going to help me."
Both of them went deathly still at Eris' name. I couldn't speak past the unspoken rage in the room. I wanted to disengage from them, and let my eyes dart around for any sort of escape route, and found Azriel bedecked in shadows watching us. I went to demand how long he had been listening, but the icy rage in his eyes stopped me short.
"It's okay." Mor had forced some warmth into her voice drawing my attention back to her. "We're here for you."
"He knocked out Zellos." I began again my voice unsteady.
I wasn't sure when I started crying, but by the time I forced myself to repeat Beron's words my hands were shaking. Tears fell upon our enclosed hands, but nether went to brush them away. I nearly yelped when Azriel sat himself directly in front of me in between Cassian and Mor. A few of his shadows swirled up me, resting cooly against my superheated skin. I wasn't sure he was aware of them reaching out to me, steadying me with gentle flutters of cold. Hazel eyes met mine with a steadfast strength and support that hit me to my core.
I forced myself to continue. I couldn't properly explain the fire. The heat and the pain but I tried. I closed my eyes and let go of their hands, twisting myself around and lifting my shirt up off my back high enough to show the scars.
Hisses and growls erupted behind me. Black fury shot to me from the moonstone bridge. From Azriel. But when I looked at him his face was carefully blank as always. I tried to explain my escape, but it was fuzzy and hard to remember. I told them about Shadowfax, how strong and brave he was. How I had struggled to stay awake.
"I need to know what you guys want from me." I felt so small. Vulnerable. Like I had opened up my chest and let them do what they would with what they found inside.
"Work with me." Azriel answered quietly. "Work for the Night Court. Use your powers to help us protect what we love."
"We want you to join the Inner Circle." Mor answered with a small nod. "Both Rhysand and Feyre were going to talk to you about it later today. Amren has agreed to teach you magic, as has Rhysand. He wants to train you in your powers."
"You'll be training with me as well." Cassian said looking me over. "You'll need to learn to fight."
"But also," Mor said holding up a finger. "You're our friend." She held my gaze letting the phrase sink in. "You're my friend and I want you to be safe and happy."
Cassian nodded at her statement and met my eyes steadily. When I glanced to Azriel it was like being struck. I hated how much he could affect me without even trying.
There was a rush of power and there was Rhysand and Feyre looking like they already knew what was going on. Rhysand had wings, just like Cassian and Azriel. He held Feyre's hand who was watching me with a strange intensity.
"Seems they beat us to the punch." Rhysand mused looking me over. He was dressed sharply as usual, in an elegant suit with blue accents. Feyre, at his side, was wearing a black blouse and pants with a lighter colored jacket thrown overtop. The dark colors only served to accentuate those piercing blue eyes.
High Lord and Lady of the Night Court. Who and what they were was suddenly so apparent to me. Part of me was glad that they hadn't taken a strong interest in me in my first months here. Yet now I had their attention, and it was unnerving.
Cassian and Morrigan both stood, each offering me a hand up. A little amused I smiled and took both their hands and was hauled up onto my feet. Azriel followed suit and quietly walked to the side allowing Rhysand and Feyre full access to me.
Unease spread through my chest as they walked to stand in front of me. Unease and panic. If all of this was real, and I had no real way of getting back home that anyone could think of. Would this become my life? If it did become my life how did I ensure that I wasn't just some plaything for powerful fae? Too many unanswered questions flurried around my mind.
"Nova." Feyre spoke, catching my attention. "We understand that you're in a fragile place right now. But we also understand that in trying to coddle you we only made things worse." She said letting go of Rhysand's hand to take a small step closer to me. "What is it that you want?"
The question caught me off guard and I found myself frowning in confusion at her words.
"Does that even matter?" I shot back.
"Of course it does." Feyre, for her part, seemed sincere.
"I don't know…" I turned away from them looking down at the markings on the body. "I want to belong somewhere, I guess. To not be used. I want to learn about this thing lurking inside of me and I want to conquer it. I want honesty." I turned back to them, this strange group of Fae who were still as statues as my tentative wants came to the surface. "I'm not as fragile as you think I am." I added quietly. "My childhood was much worse than this."
"I can't promise that you'll master your abilities. I can't promise that you'll feel like you belong with us." Rhysand said looking me over. "However, should you choose to work with us, I will give you honesty. We will only use you if you allow it. And you will have a place in this family should you want it."
There were galaxies spiraling in his eyes.
"But know that it won't be easy. None of this will ever be easy for any of us. Our first and most vital job is to try and protect the Night Court."
"I understand." I murmured as I thought about what he was offering. Honesty and a place to belong. Space for me to figure out who I am now in this world. To master the voices and the ancient feeling energies inside of me. "If I don't belong. If this doesn't work out….I want a way to leave."
Rhysand considered me for a long moment then nodded. Feyre nodded to me as well.
"We can do that. Though you will never be able to tell any outsiders of what you learn here should you decide to leave." Rhysand said.
"I wouldn't." I nodded in agreement.
"Do you know how deals are made here in the Night Court?" Rhysand seemed to relax a bit at my acceptance of his terms. "As a Fae, our bargains are sealed in magic. In the Night Court this bargain manifests physically on our skin." Feyre held up her arm, showing the dark blue ink that swirled down one arm. I had thought it was a tattoo before. Rhysand held up his arm, showing the exact match to hers.
"Breaking these vows is dangerous. Magic will always exact a price if a bargain is broken." Rhysand continued to explain. "Are you still willing to bargain with us?"
I nodded.
I needed to know why I was so drawn to these people. Why I couldn't stop thinking of them even when those in the Autumn Court were trying to give me everything in the world to stay, that I kept drifting back towards this place. These people.
"You can make your deal with m-" Mor began stepping forward, but Azriel moved to me faster.
"I'll do it." It was quiet but resolute. Mor nodded and stepped back looking on us with a strange mix of emotions I couldn't quite read.
This was real. These people were real and offering me something that no one had offered me in earnest. I hoped that they weren't lying to me somehow. I had never pledged myself to a cause. My sole purpose in life seemed to be survival. It was all I could remember. I had never wanted anything more. Never thought there could be anything more.
But now….
"I swear to keep this Court and any vital information I may gain from it a secret even if I should decide to leave." I began trying to think of a diplomatic way to make the deal. "I promise to serve the Night Court to the best of my ability so long as I am part of the Inner Circle. I promise to protect the Night Court to the best of my abilities." I glanced to Rhysand to see if I did it right. He looked pleased but my attention shot to Azriel the moment he began to speak.
"We promise to shelter you in return for your service. You will be compensated for your services and loyalty to the Night Court. You will be inducted into the Inner Circle and you will have a place among us for as long as you are loyal to the Night Court. You will be trained to the best of our abilities both physically and magically." Azriel's voice was nothing but business. Hard and precise. "Should you truly feel the need to leave us, you will be able to do so freely. Finally," there was a slight flicker in his eyes then, as if something deeply buried had tried to claw its way to the surface, "I swear to try and make you happy."
There was a slight intake of breath from the group watching, but Azriel bowled over it. "These are the terms set forth. Do we have a bargain?" He held out his hand.
There was a breath of absolute silence.
I stretched out my hand, catching a hold of his and bridging the gap between us. "Yes, we have a deal."
His hand was cool in mine, and then there was a sudden flash of heat and pain. I yelped jerking away from him and looking to my hand, wondering if he had burned me intentionally, but instead there on my palm and radiating downwards to twine with the runes on the underside of my forearm was a strange dark blue tattoo.
The largest bit was two snakes, twining in the middle then going around to bite their own tails, creating one larger circle. One was nearly black, the other just an outline looking as if it were made of light. Curls of darkness delicate enough to almost look like scraps of lace swirled down until it curled around some of my runes.
It took me a moment to realize what it was.
"It's an ouroboros." I exclaimed aloud. The bit where they were twined had even created an infinity symbol. I flexed my hand, the sting already fading. Azriel was looking to his own palm.
"What's an Ouroboros?" He asked me after a moment.
I held my hand out towards him, showing him the design. The others came closer, curious. "See the snake eating its own tail? That's an ouroboros. It means um….infinity I think? Also being whole."
Azriel simply gave a small smile and showed me his palm, though the scars raised it up a little in strange places it was easy to see that it was the exact same markings on him. I found myself smiling at him, at what we had done.
"Welcome to the family!" Mor was suddenly there gently hugging me. "If you have any questions you can come to me first."
"We all know who she's really going to come to." Cassian winked before pulling both Mor and I into a massive hug. Thankfully no one squeezed or even touched my back really.
"We won't expect anything yet." Feyre said once the hug was disbanded. She reached out and caught my hand, looking the design over with a smile. "Other than for you to rest." She said patting my newly marked hand.
"Madja is insistent that you fully rest for a few more days." Rhysand added to our right. "However, once she gives the okay I would like for you to begin training back with Cassian. He knows to take it easy on you. Also you'll start lessons
"I'd offer for you to stay in the townhouse, but it's a little cramped." Feyre said, finally dropping my hand and giving me a half hug.
"Azriel and I both are living up at the House of Wind. You're more than welcome to stay there." Cassian offered wiggling his hands at me.
"And have her deal with all of those stairs if no one can take her to Velaris? I don't think so." Mor said tugging me under her arm. "I know a place. It'll do you some good to get away from all of the Males anyways."
"If you're thinking of Amren I'm afraid she might eat her before she'll share her space." Rhysand chuckled.
"There's a few vacancies in some nice apartments that aren't too far from the Rainbow. The outsides are a little damaged, but they have a lot of room for a decent price."
"I don't….I don't have any money." I interjected feeling my stomach twist. "I don't even know how your money system works."
"We'll be covering your rent." Feyre said with a slight wave. "Plus I'm sure Rhysand will give you a nice bonus so that you can furnish your apartment."
"Of course." Rhysand murmured, giving his mate a smile.
"A bonus?"
"You think we wouldn't pay you for a job you're doing?"
"Oh." I glanced shyly at Rhysand. "Would someone be willing to teach me about money here then?"
"Easy." Mor said all charm and grace. "Let's go apartment shopping, if you're up for it?"
"But," Cassian interjected nearly laughing already. "I need to pelt her with snowballs."
"Tomorrow." Mor waved him off. "Don't worry, you can spend quality time with her yet. We need those big strong arms of yours to help move her new things in. Once we find an apartment she likes."
Cassian blew out a sigh. "Females."