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Chapter 26: "…Kiss you with the kiss that wasn't true …"
Did he really expect to be able to sleep?
Of course not.
How could he sleep after what had happened?
His eyes wandered to his door, wishing that it would open, and his nightly partner would once again lay down next to him.
Maybe they could even talk, but she was usually quiet and if all she needed was a dreamless sleep then so be it. He could do that for her.
Looking back up at the ceiling his eyes began to close, if she wasn't coming tonight then he might get some rest at least, if she did come, he doubted he'd be able to stay awake anyways.
One hand idly played with the Greek cross that hung around his neck, now resting on his chest. He hadn't taken it off, he should have, after all, he never wore it to bed.
Shinji's mind swirled and the idea that he might get a night of sleep became more and more a fantasy.
Then his door slid open.
He didn't open his eyes, Shinji wanted her to take her time, obviously, he upset her somehow and if he knew anything about the fiery redhead, she might just retreat from him again if he opened his eyes and acknowledged her.
His ears picked up the opening of the door again, Asuka had left, but the lack of footsteps told him that she had just stepped outside his door, was she nervous?
What was she so apprehensive about? She hadn't even been like this the first night she laid down next to him.
The door opened again, this time the door closed for good, but instead of the familiar weight landing next to him, he was instead greeted by the sound of her walking to the base of his sleeping arrangements.
Confusing? Yes, but he didn't open his eyes, even when she seemingly just stood there.
Only when he felt those feet step on either side of his legs, did he really start to get anxious.
Then just like that, he opened his eyes. His room was well lit by the moonlight, clear as can be there she was, crouching down over him and finally resting on her hands and knees over him.
She didn't have a shirt on.
He could see everything in the moonlight.
As soon as he noticed… it all came rushing back…
The hospital…
He was standing over her. A heart monitor beeped next to him.
"Please… help me Asuka."
"Shinji…"
He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. His chest was on fire.
Her hair trickled down like a waterfall of flame, brushing against his face. Her face was getting closer.
"Wake up Asuka!"
" …you won't hurt me."
He was petrified, completely frozen as she leaned in, closer and closer to his face.
That night before Israfel.
"mama…"
She sat down, now resting her weight onto him as she got closer…
He wanted to scream.
She was so still on the hospital bed; her cheeks were sunken.
His whole body was on fire.
His whole body was frozen.
"Shinji… wanna try a kiss?"
Her warm breath blew gently against his face as she got even closer…
He was shaking her now, desperation… that's what this was.
"Help me Asuka!"
"Asuka," he choked out, desperately trying to say something.
"Yesss?" she purred, leaning closer, her lips so close to his own.
"Call me an idiot like you always do."
He tried to move, but he was still frozen, he tried to think of a way to deal with this, to stop this somehow, to not hurt her.
A fake world, a world he rejected.
"Be one with me Shinji."
"We're not kids…" she started.
"I'd say yes a million times if you just asked me, ask me to kiss you, and do other things too!"
But there was only one thing he could do.
The gown ripped open, and he just stared at her bare figure.
"Stop."
.
.
.
He could breathe again.
Shinji sucked in air like a man who nearly drowned, in fact, he was sure he was hyperventilating.
The Third Children looked at the girl, he knew those four letters would hurt her like nothing else, and sure enough, she froze, her hand still on his chest and her breath held, no longer blowing against his face.
In his heart, he questioned how he could even reject her. How could he, the lowest of the low, the boy who killed his world… who wouldn't do anything to save her, dare to refuse her?
He knew that answer.
Because he didn't deserve her, and she, without question, did not deserve someone like him.
"I am the lowest of the low."
Beyond that why did she want this?
"What?" she whispered, her eyes beginning to water.
She was still sitting on his waist as he pushed himself up with his elbows, he wanted to run, he wanted to get as far away from her as possible, he didn't even deserve to be next to her.
He never changed.
But he couldn't run away, as much as he wanted to, as much as every fiber in his body screamed at him…
All Shinji could see in front of him was that sobbing little girl who found her mother's hanging body and he was the only one in the world who could do something for her, anything for her.
She was starting to shake, wrapping her arms around her chest like she was trying to hide from the boy she had offered herself to.
Shinji finally brought himself up to her slowly, his breathing erratic, those voices and scenes still playing out in his mind, but he needed to help her, he needed to hold her.
Because nobody else could.
"You actually think you can save me!"
A quiet sob escaped her and that was all Shinji needed and he rushed forward, his arms wrapping around her shaking frame, doing his best to convey what he couldn't in words.
"You don't want me..."
Was that a statement or a question? The boy really couldn't tell, but it didn't matter, not when he held her there.
He was shaking too, he was trying his best to suppress it, but the memories made that impossible. Even his heart hammered at his chest like nothing before, that pendent digging into his skin.
Asuka shuffled like she was trying to escape his embrace, he knew she could if she really wanted to, but he wouldn't let her go, not after this.
"I do," he reassured her.
"Then let me…."
"No." he cut her off.
He leaned in, he was so desperate, he felt so hollow.
"Asuka, you're the only one for me."
He wouldn't, he couldn't, not in her state, not like this, he didn't know or care why she wanted this, why she had offered this to him, but he did know if he let her go now… if he let her walk away thinking that he had rejected her because he didn't want her….
He'd seen what that had done to her… once.
"Then why?" she pleaded.
He didn't say anything, it felt like hours went by that he just squeezed her frame, but eventually he had to say something.
"I would… I do… but it's…."
"What?" she hissed, there was venom, murderous intent behind that word.
He couldn't say anything.
"We could die tomorrow in an Angel attack, why not?" she asked again, her voice uneasy.
He was lost…
"I wonder if I'll be like Misato when I grow up."
"We're too young, we're…"
"I want…"
"No," he stopped her "I do too, I want that more than you can imagine, but… don't do this… don't do this for me please… just tell me why," he asked.
Asuka said nothing, even after she stopped shaking, she just pressed up against him like she was trying to melt into the boy, but she didn't wrap her arms around him.
"You're having dinner with Rei…" she said softly.
Shinji just nodded, "I got a letter from her."
"She likes you." It was a statement, so to the point.
"We're friends, it'd be hard…"
"No idiot, she likes you." she pulled back glaring at him.
He smiled at her, that was what this was about.
"You think she's going to take me away from you…" it wasn't exactly a question.
That old Asuka bubbled up again, she pushed at him to get out of her embrace, but for the first time, he didn't let her. He knew she needed to hear this.
"If we just did what you wanted… I'd hate myself."
Asuka couldn't believe what he just said, boys, his age would be salivating at the mouth for even a chance to do those things.
"Why?" she breathed.
"Because you're scared." He said simply. "You're scared that Rei is going to take me away from you, aren't you?"
Asuka's eyes watered, but no tears would fall, instead, she thrashed against him, clawing at him to let her go and get back to her room, but he wouldn't let her, he wouldn't let her run away to be alone.
"If I did that, if I let you do what you were just about to, it would be no different from me using you, me…"
That word floated between them, unsaid.
"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself."
She stopped, his words ringing in her ears.
Shinji loosened his embrace, shuffling, he slowly took his shirt off and put it over her while she was still. It didn't matter if she saw his pendent, right now she was more important.
Asuka didn't protest, she let him slip it onto her, her face blank, she didn't embrace him back, she just let those words bounce around inside her head.
"She's the closest thing I have to a sister, I care that she's healthy, but I couldn't give myself to her."
"Why?" she needed to know, she needed to know why he wouldn't want that girl, why he wanted the broken wreck that was Asuka Shikinami.
"Because she's not you."
"Stop." She spat back.
"Stop what?"
"Why do you even like me?" she said as she pounded his chest. "She's not like me, she's not broken like me, she would just do everything you wanted like some doll."
"You're not broken Asuka." He pleaded to her.
"I AM!" she shouted at him "I can't even make food without hurting you, I can't do anything for you, all I do is hurt you!"
Soryu was seated at the kitchen table.
"Then don't come near me. If you do, you'll just end up hurting me."
"And you think that matters?" he asked quietly.
Asuka blinked.
"Asuka… I don't care, I don't care if you hurt me… there's only one thing I…"
"WHAT?" she asked frantically "What do I have to do for you?!"
Shinji just smiled softly, taking in those bright blue eyes.
"Be happy."
.
.
.
"What?"
Shinji pulled back, his hands on her shoulders "I don't want anything else."
It wasn't like he deserved anything at all…
"I want to see you smile, I want to hear you laugh, I want you to live and just be… you."
"You don't want… anything?" she asked, completely incapable of comprehending it "but you cook for me, you help me with me kanji, you don't mock me… you're still a pilot!"
"What do you mean still a pilot?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
She went quiet, turning away from him "They took Unit-02 from me… Unit-03's the replacement." She said softly.
Oh.
Suddenly everything in Shinji's mind aligned, they took away the one thing that she defined herself by and she was trying to hold onto him, trying to keep him from leaving her.
Or at least, she thought he could leave her.
"No one's… just done things for me before. So why?!"
"Why what?"
"Why do you like me?!" she asked again.
He stopped, hesitated, what should he tell her? That he was the reason she had died?
No, he got Soryu killed, they were different, weren't they?
Could he even tell them apart? Of course, he could, but she was still her, wasn't she?
It didn't matter. She was here, and she needed his help.
Shinji wanted to tell her that she was more beautiful than every sunset he had ever witnessed, he wanted to tell her that she was braver than anyone he had ever fought beside, he wanted to tell her that she was the smartest person he had ever known.
He wanted to admit to her that he had been in love with her since the moment she saw her. That he could understand her and help her. That he would give her the world if she asked for it and tell her about every good moment they had shared together throughout every single life he'd lived, to share with her every happy memory he had of her, however fleeting.
Every moment she would never remember.
And then he wanted to beg for her help too. He wanted to ask her to rescue him and care for him and to hold him in the middle of the night when his nightmares came. He wanted her to protect him whenever his demons came for him and tell him she forgave him when all those things became too much.
But he didn't deserve that…
And it wouldn't be fair to her…
"Because… because…" he stammered.
"Just spit it out already!"
"Because you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen!" he shouted finally.
"Because you can be so alive sometimes, because you make me feel alive, you're so fantastic that… I wish you could see yourself like I see you… and…" he stopped, choosing his next words carefully.
"You remind me of who I was…"
Her brow furrowed, "What?".
He closed his eyes "I was… different, a long time ago… I tried to just drown out the world because it was so… painful."
"Did you even try to understand?!"
"Of course, I tried!"
"but then… I met someone and I failed them… so completely…" he said softly.
He stared into those blue eyes, making sure that each word he said next made it through to her completely. "I don't want to leave you because… no one helped me when I was… was like you."
"WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!"
"DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE"
"DON'T ABANDON ME!"
"DON'T KILL ME!"
The redhead said nothing for the longest of moments, just looking down at him with narrowed eyes.
"No."
She just looked at him, incapable of saying anything.
"Let me get another shirt," Shinji said softly, letting go of her, she moved off him as he stood up and went to his dresser. He couldn't have known how her eyes were drawn to that pendent of his chest.
As he put on the piece of clothing, he could hear the door open behind him, twisting around, he saw it wide open and her door closing.
ʡʘʘʢ
The girl was in her room again, leaning on her dresser and breathing heavily, she stared at the mirror in front of her as she tried to control her labored breathing.
That shirt he put on her was loose but comfortable. She just looked at herself in the mirror, her heart hammering away in her chest. A wave of exhaustion washed over her at the same time, that adrenaline rush now causing her to crash.
But there was something else.
What was this new feeling?
This warmth that she only felt when lying next to him, now she felt it even here in her room.
But he rejected her…
No, he didn't, he rejected what she wanted to do, but he still embraced her.
What kind of boy did that? How many boys at school would have done that?
None of them would, she was certain.
What must he think of her now, that she was so pathetic?
Looking around, she sighed at the mess she had made of her room, not bothering to clean it tended to do that.
Though it wasn't nearly as bad as Shinji's room…
She eyed her phone on the dresser and noted the notification on the exterior screen.
'One new Message.'
Flipping the phone open, she read the text from Misato and just smiled.
ʡʘʘʢ
He wouldn't let her run away this time.
Shinji slid the door open slowly out of fear of being struck again, only he would get up this time if she did that. Instead of a physical assault, he just saw Asuka sitting there at the side of the bed, a blank look on her face.
He noted that she hadn't changed out of his shirt either.
"You must think I'm pathetic." She mumbled, hands in her lap.
He walked over in front of her "I don't think that Asuka."
"Then…" She sprung up, surprising him, but he didn't resist when she grabbed his shirt and threw him onto the bed, hands still gripping his shirt.
"Promise me you'll never leave me, tell me you'll stay next to me every night, tell me you'll never even think about being with anyone else!"
That face was contorted, he'd seen it before.
"Just looking at you makes my blood boil!"
He didn't know what to say, of anything he could have said, nothing came off his lips.
"If I can't have all of you, I don't want any of you!" she barked.
His eyes just widened, and his body froze.
He was on the train car again, sitting there with that red-orange haze.
Rei was sitting across from him, with Asuka in front of him, leg up on the seat and her leaning over him.
"Hey, I know you've been jerking off to me, c'mon do it right now, do it right here, I wanna watch you do it."
"Listen to me, if you can't be all mine… then I don't need you!"
"Why did you say that?" He whispered.
"Huh?"
Faster than he cared to admit, he grabbed her and flipped her onto the bed with him now over her.
"Never say that Asuka, don't tell me that, you can take anything from me, take everything…" He stopped.
That look she was giving him, that blank stare.
He was back on that beach, the gentle lapping of the red waves behind him was the only sounds to be heard.
Asuka's left eye and right arm were covered with bandages.
Shinji was on top of her, hands around her neck… squeezing… with tears streaming down his face.
And a hand reached up to him.
The moment he felt her hand brush against his face he threw himself off her, facing away, hands grasping his arms and shaking.
"Don't think you couldn't ask me for everyt…" he stopped and froze.
He felt a slender arm wrap over him. He could tell it was tense, and by the way it moved ever so slowly it was unsure, but eventually it made its way over his waist and the girl push up against his back.
"Hey… turn back around," She whispered "please…"
He wanted to stay like that, away from her, to keep from hurting her again, but… he wouldn't refuse her.
So, he did, he rolled over and faced her, faced those bright blue eyes that he'd seen turn lifeless too many times.
If either of them was broken, he knew it wasn't her.
"If I can take anything…" She started. "Go to the spring dance with me."
His mouth just unhinged at those words, but then a smile grew in its' place. A dance? Asuka never even liked to dance in the first place.
His answer was instantaneous.
"Yes."
She crashed into him, a hushed 'Thank you' reaching his ears as he smiled.
He released his own arms and wrapped them around her, "Do you want to stay here tonight?" he asked her.
Asuka just nodded to him.
Releasing each other, they both adjusted in the actual bed, which Shinji had to admit was much better than how he usually slept. After each grabbed a pillow Asuka let him wrap both his arms around her as she fully pressed up against him, her back to his chest this time, no longer keeping a few inches away.
Then she asked a question he hadn't been expecting.
"Tell me about before."
"Before what?"
"Before all this, you said you were different, that you failed someone, and no one helped you." She said softly in the moonlit room.
Shinji sighed, he could share this with her, just like Kaji, if only the broad strokes.
"It was a long time ago, there was this girl… she… hurt like I did, she knew exactly what it was like… to be abandoned." He started.
He could feel Asuka tense at the mention of another girl, but he continued.
"She just didn't show it, she was so confident, so… larger than life, at least, she seemed that way to me."
"And she hid it well, her pain, she wanted everyone's attention, because she was afraid of not being seen… but deep down… she was just like me."
"And I wasn't much better, I didn't want to be close to anyone then, I didn't want to have to risk feeling that pain again… and she scared me, she terrified me, because I thought she was everything I wasn't… until it was too late."
He stopped, he should tell her what he told Kaji? He shouldn't change his story, even if it wasn't quite his first life.
"She wanted my help, begged me for my help… without saying a word, and I didn't know any better because I was scared of her. I failed her that first time, I ran from her, but then I came back."
"I tried to help her, but it was so painful, for the both of us, and eventually I thought… maybe… maybe she'd be better off without me, maybe she'd be happier without me, perhaps she'd find some peace with me out of her life."
"So, I told her I couldn't help her, I couldn't help her through her pain…"
The boy went quiet, not really wanting to continue.
"What happened?"
.
.
.
"That night, I walked into the bathroom… there she was… in the tub, swimming in red… it was so red…"
His fist clenched her shirt, Shinji was sure that his knuckles would be white.
"She was so white, so pale… her cheeks were sunken, but she was still there for a few moments…"
"I didn't know what to do… I just held her… I was covered in red…"
.
.
.
"Did she give you that pendant?" Asuka asked, finally speaking up.
"Yes," he lied, but what was he supposed to say? "It's a lot like Misato's, right?" That should take care of that idea.
The girl took his hand, but instead of holding t right away, she started tapping into it, the same rhythm he had done for her when teaching her that music.
Shinji smiled to himself, those unpleasant thoughts washed away by the simple gesture.
"It's not your fault." She said softly, echoing his own words.
He held his tears back, he didn't dare to say anything to her, because if he started, he knew he might not stop.
"Did you hear me? It's not your fault, idiot."
How little she knew.
"I heard you." He said quietly.
She didn't know how wrong she was, she didn't know a fraction of the things he had done, but somehow, hearing her say that…
"Promise me something." He said suddenly, stopping her tapping and taking her hand into his, to his enjoyment she didn't pull away, she accepted and intertwined her own fingers with his.
"If something happens, if I'm taken from you, or…"
"Stop!" she hissed at him, "I don't want to hear it!"
He smiled at her outburst.
"Will you do it for me?"
She said nothing, so he continued.
"If something happens, if I can't come back to you, I want you to promise me something."
"What?" she growled.
"Move on." He said softly. "You need to find someone…"
"Who, who the hell could I find idiot?! No one would understand!"
Then she got quiet, "Not like you do..."
He nodded "You're right, no one would understand, no one would be worthy of you either, but that doesn't mean they can't try, it doesn't mean they can't try to understand and that's what I want you to promise. It's hard trusting people, and a lot of times it ends poorly, but when it doesn't it's too amazing to describe, but there's something else."
"Promise me you won't catch yourself hating that redhead in the mirror… be happy… and if you can't do it for yourself, try to do it for me." He whispered into her ear.
For a moment she said nothing, and Shinji was sure that she wouldn't, but instead of a sarcastic comment or another fiery rebuttal, all that escaped her was a small sigh.
"Alright… I promise"
"Thank you." He said, finally letting his head rest on his pillow with the bundle of red hair next to him.
He felt so warm.
Though, in the back of his mind, he almost felt guilty for making her promise him that. When he couldn't even do the same thing for himself.
ʡʘʘʢ
Asuka woke up early, it was going to be a long day after all.
Rolling out of Shinji's arms and the covers slowly, she looked back at the boy who had whisked her nightmares away from her, who had kept her from doing something that now she believed she would have regretted.
His face was calm, and his mouth was hovering open just slightly.
The boy twitched, she expected him to open his eyes at the sudden lack of warmth, but he didn't, instead, he shook, his dreams seemingly coming for him.
Asuka frowned at the idea he could save her from her own dreams, but she couldn't do a damn thing for the boy when his own came for him.
One day she would do the save him from those nightmares.
Her body seemed to move on its own, leaning in, their faces growing closer, soon her lips were less than an inch from his.
"S... Soryu" he breathed in his sleep, only just loud enough to be considered a whisper.
Asuka blinked.
Soryu?
He trembled again; his face scrunched up.
"Don't…"
Her mind worked overtime despite her grogginess.
Soryu?
That girl he had told her about…
Were those the nightmares he had been having, ones of the girl he had confessed to her about?
She leaned in and closed to his ear.
"I'm… sorry." He mumbled in his sleep.
She couldn't remember another time he had apologized. To her or anyone else, it was jarring enough that she was sent back, just watching him now begin to calm in his sleep, his breathing beginning to steady out.
Asuka leaned in again, "It's alright Shinji." She whispered to him.
She shook her head, there would be time for that later, she would make him tell her, hopefully that would give him dreamless nights.
Just like he had for her.
That time she thought of wouldn't come for a very, very long time.
Alright, pitchforks down people, give me a chance to explain myself if the story didn't already.
Shikinami loses the thing that she defines her life by, but she still has that comfort blanket in Shinji, yet she knows Rei feels 'warm and content' with him after the elevator talk, and Shikinami literally says 'that means you love him, so she sees Rei as being able to take Shinji away, because she herself still isn't 100% sure about her own feelings. She hasn't done anything for Shinji, so when Rei is doing something for him, Shikinami's mentality is, 'well I've never done anything for him, so why would he want to stay if Rei is giving him something'. Shikinami sees this as a competition because she knows nothing about relationships.
Soryu might do this out of her false sense of maturity, as she tried to with Kaji, Shikinami would do this also from her false sense of maturity, but with the perceived 'competition' from Rei, she sees it as a way to keep Shinji with her.
But that idea is coming from a misunderstanding that love is something that is given with the expectation of something in return, her growing up as an orphan can't even comprehend that. Soryu had her mother, Shiki had no one.
I don't think that Soryu would act exactly like this, instead during that first night when Shinji rolls over and puts his arm around her, Soryu MIGHT have run away, more likely she would have hit him then left or not, that's a 50/50. Soryu probably wouldn't have pulled back when he said 'stop', and probably wouldn't have been left shaking, she'd probably rage at him for a bit, though Shinji would basically have done the same thing, hold her in an embrace even if she became more violent than Shikinami. And that's all assuming she didn't beat Rei to death in the elevator when she talks with her.
Now for poor Shinji… Shinji's obviously horrified and with his guilt/shame from NGE/EOE he has to reject her, but instantly reassuring her that he does in fact care for her, that it's not her that he's saying no to, it's the idea that she thinks she needs to do something like that to make him stay with her.
Perhaps the saddest thing to me is that he can't even be that intimate with her, kissing? Only brings back his first kiss. Seeing her bare? Shame from the hospital. Sure, he can be around her, he can hold her, but to be physically intimate with her on any level above that just brings back trauma. All the while I'm sure Asuka (Soryu or Shikinami) would crave physical affection.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk lol and yes, I've purposefully been saving Shinji's iconic line for that moment.
UltraSpink of Da USA – Yeah it just kinda comes out of nowhere in 2.0, I suppose we're supposed to infer that it's because of her digging into Unit-04s accident?
EvaPilotFair – That Ritsuko/Shinji moment was a memory from a previous life, sorry about that.
Su Exodus – Yeah that's a memory, unfortunately, the first life where Shinji gets to see Soryu following him around.
skyf0x – I thought the whole "I don't see anybody" when asked is a cliché, but apparently, my story has a lot in common with Re-take, now I must read it!
A Guy – Shinji as Gordon Ramsay? Hmmm… As for how many lives, well you'll get a number, but yeah remember a lot of them he doesn't even make it to the full length of NGE, so even judging how much time it's taken is hard.
calborghete – Thanks! Asuka really could use some cooking lessons from Shinji…
Berix – Actually Shinji has not seen Asuka actually cook before, so no he hasn't had to reset after insulting it lol. Really Shinji should have tried one more time, but he's kinda going off Soryu experience, when he should have gone in and talked with her, instead of walking away to let her 'cool off'.
GeHirNunDherZ – *Vietnam Flashbacks Intensify* Especially with this chapter. Thanks! Hope you enjoy the future.
Alright, folks, it's that time in the semester, so don't expect a chapter for another week or two, you got a nice 5k+ this week so it should keep you till then haha! Of course, this is coming from someone who will probably just upload anyways.
Until Next Time.