TW - alcoholism and self harm
'Cause I'm fine then I'm not. I'm spinning round and I can't stop. I can't do this alone. For time flies and then it's so slow, I'm up and down like a yoyo—I can't do it on my own. And I've tried and I've tried but I can't pull the sword from the stone
4th February 2021
The first month of 2021 had finally ended. Many people had high hopes for the year given how terrible 2020 was, though this year simply was proving to be worse at this rate. Morgana and Merlin were in quarantine as the year has begun and Wales was already in lockdown, with all of the UK entering a nation-wide lockdown after only five days. Amhar was bored of lockdown and Morgana was fed up with having to constantly entertain him (he could have gone into nursery though Merlin and Morgana didn't think it was safe enough yet).
They ended up switching toys around and getting Amhar's jumperoo and a few other baby toys out of the loft now that Alfie could sit up. Alfie absolutely loved it and would spend ages bouncing up and down in it, as with the other baby toys. They then put some of the toddler toys upstairs that Amhar was too big for—like his ball popper but would rotate them around when they needed them again. Hiding amongst the toys was Amhar's doll, the male version of baby Annabell named "Baby Alexander" which he once more took an immediate likening to and insisted on toting around most of the time (along with the fact that he broadcasted his want for a toy pushchair daily). Morgana had made an inventory of every toy they owned and had decided to group each one into little groups that had them all mixed up—group one, group two, group three and group four which would be changed every three weeks to keep Amhar sane and to ensure he doesn't get bored of them. While she thought they had bought a lot of things for Alfie, she actually found that most of the baby toys were from Amhar which rather surprised her as she remembered buying a lot when she was pregnant (at least in clothes and baby gear!).
The most popular place in Camelot—The Magic Horse had unfortunately closed down shortly after the first lockdown as a result of the loss of earnings. Though luckily the place had been bought once more and was revamped and renamed to 'The Rising Sun', remaining open for takeaways without alcohol throughout the latest lockdown. This lockdown had been hard for the Emrys family. Lockdown 1.0 was new and different, something that they had never even expected to experience so they rather enjoyed the time spent together as they prepared for their new arrival. Lockdown 2.0 wasn't much of a different both in Wales and in England—Wales had their half term (with Morgana only missing two baby swimming sessions) and in England's one schools remained open. Merlin's classes were all day online, he had lots of marking to get done that he couldn't be bothered for and was stressed. Morgana had tried her hardest to help him with that, doing the cooking and making sure everything around the house was okay though it was becoming too much.
At the end of January when Merlin began to sleep on the sofa her suspicions began to arise. Ever since having Alfie they had become more aware of safe co-sleeping, with the main factors including to not co-sleep if you or your partner had drunk alcohol or had been smoking. He barely left the house and it didn't smell of smoke nor weed so couldn't be that. Merlin insisting on taking the bins out, unpacking the shopping and sleeping on the sofa all began to make sense. He wasn't sober anymore.
She knew that they both had drinking problems shortly after Arthur and Gwen's death. When they'd drink more than what was considered safe, constantly having an alcoholic beverage to sip away at. The hangovers that followed as they carried on with their lives regardless of what was happening and how much they were drinking. It wasn't healthy and they had to stop. Being sober was indeed a choice and for both Merlin and Morgana it was very much a good choice. Morgana knew it was easier for her, given that she had become pregnant with Alfie then breastfed so didn't want the alcohol to be passed to her baby even with the risk being small. Upon her realisation she made sure that Alfie was asleep in his Next2Me and locked herself in the bathroom and took out the blade—not doing much, just taking the edge off.
Merlin had always poured his drinks into a mug so that way he could continue to drink while he worked. He found a travel mug to be ideal and the best—that way he wasn't worried about Morgana seeing the drink. He couldn't help but cry when he saw that they wouldn't be able to get a time-slot for the shopping to be delivered so that Morgana would have to go into the shop. He begged and begged with her, saying about how it wasn't a good idea with the baby or that it'd be better if he went alone. Though she didn't listen so here Merlin was trying to stop shaking, making the decision as to whether he should ask his wife to get some alcohol and admit defeat or ration the drinks and power on through. He chose the latter.
Morgana strapped Alfie in the car seat and left it on the floor as she helped Amhar with his shoes and coat then tied the baby wrap around herself under her coat.
"You sure you don't need anything?" Morgana checked one last time.
"Affirmative" Merlin nodded.
"Okay, I'll be back in couple of hours. Let's hope there isn't a queue" Morgana grimaced.
"That'd be fun" Merlin agreed. "See you".
"Bye, love you" Morgana said, kissing Merlin softly on the lips before she left. She could feel the taste of gin mixed with beer and vodka, making sure to wipe it off her mouth before she put the kids in the car and fussed around. They hadn't been in the car in ages, now that Alfie had a new Thomas the tank engine mirror she moved his old colourful one on the back of her headrest to Amhar's side so that he could see the baby and the new one to Alfie's headrest.
"Hi baby!" Amhar greeted as he waved in the mirror, Alfie grinned around his dummy and babbled slightly.
Morgana put the radio on as she started the car, humming along to "Hit me baby one more time" as she reversed out of her parking spot and out of their gates. She didn't pay attention as usual as they went on about Britney and the #FreeBritney movement along with the other court stuff happening, looking at Alfie and Amhar in the rear view mirror and focusing on the road.
"Next up we have Olivia Rodriguez's drivers licence".
"Not drivers license again" Morgana muttered as the somber music began followed by "I got my drivers license last week just like we always talked about".
"Uh oh!" Amhar gasped as he heard the song on. Merlin and Morgana's annoyance of the song had passed onto their toddler too. It seemed as though everyone everywhere was always playing that song and if she was honest with herself, Morgana was getting really annoyed with it.
"Yeah today I drove through the suburbs, cause how could I ever love someone else? And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one. And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone" Olivia sang. "Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me. 'Cause you said forever now I drive alone past your street".
"Bloody hell" Morgana muttered as she blinked hard, willing herself to focus on the road instead of the song and the tears beginning to form. She couldn't start crying now, over a bloody song! The tears didn't stop and streamed down her pale face.
"Red lights, stop signs, I still see your face in the white cars, stop signs, can't drive past the places we used to go to, cause you know I still love you babe". That was true. It was hard to go past all the places they went to when they were allowed to leave the house. Hard to go past the places that she and Merlin used to go to walks on when they began to date. Too hard to drive past those places.
"Side walks we crossed, I still hear your voice in the traffic we're laughing—over all the noise god I'm so blue know we're through but you know I still love you babe. I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one". That was the part that hurt the most. No one made her feel the way that Merlin did. The happiest at the highs, the saddest when she was at a low or they had a fight. It all somehow would come back to him, like Arthur had said it would. At first she didn't believe her brother though after his death she found herself doubting that as everything began to change.
She sobbed as she drove along, not looking in the back at a concerned Amhar as he said "mummy don't cry". She didn't pay attention to the radio though continued to drive.
"I said certified freak, seven days a week". At least it's a happier song Morgana thought to herself. "Wet and gushy make that pull out game weak". Morgana did a double take as Cardi B continued with the 'kid friendly' version of WAP. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah you dealing with some wet and gushy. Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet and gushy".
"Oh my god!" Morgana exclaimed as she turned the radio of. "Blimey, what was that".
"Mummy happy now" Amhar giggled.
"Yeah" Morgana smiled as she looked in the mirror. "Mummy's happier now. What an odd song that was". Their shop was rather quick, Tesco didn't have a one-way system anymore so it was less stressful though they had the social distanced markers. Morgana had Alfie in the baby wrap (she'd put it on before leaving home so that she wouldn't have to keep tying it up!) with Amhar in the trolley seat as she whizzed around the shop, getting lots of fruit and vegetables in addition to their usual weekly buyings. They had lots and lots of baby bowls from Amhar, the majority of plastic cutlery had been chewed on so was thrown out and Amhar instead had themed knives and forks that was metal though much smaller and blunter than adult ones with plastic handles on them, many varieties with different characters. He had some avengers and the Mandalorian ones that had baby yoda that were his favourites, though Merlin and Morgana used the regular tommee tippee ones and other characters on occasion too.
Having been able to get a discount Morgana went ahead and bought lots of baby gear ready for him to be weaned—soft spoons, easy feeding spoons, some 'my first sippy cup', self feeding spoons with some magical antibacterial thing, more of the triangle shaped bowls with a handle that she'd had form Amhar (it turned out that they didn't store them properly and they went rather mouldy!), a couple more doidy cups (Amhar refused to surrender his), baby sized cups of 50ml and lots of bibs—both regular ones and 'messy ones' that would cover all of Alfie's upper half, they'd been very helpful when they would feed Amhar as a one year old and he tended to use them still!
"Finally finsihed work" Merlin sighed as he walked out of the conservatory. Morgana was stood and stirring the vegetables that she was cooking, NutriBullet on side ready to whizz the food into soup.
"Good, I'm glad" Morgana smiled. "Alfie's rather happy, with only two days till he can have solids and i have to make two meals, maybe three".
"What about today?" Merlin asked. "Two days doesn't make much of a different".
"He isn't six months old yet Merlin" Morgana scoffed. "We have to wait until he is exactly six months old to the day before introducing him to solids".
"That's a shame" Merlin pouted. "I was hoping it'd be today or tomorrow, especially since I don't have work tomorrow. Sunday makes it harder".
"It's Thursday today, Saturday is the sixth" Morgana chuckled. "Lockdown getting to you?" She gently booped his nosed with her forefinger.
"I suppose so" Merlin sighed as he sat down at the table and began playing with Alfie.
"Daddy do that to me!" Amhar said. He took his own small finger and brought it to his nose, squeaking "boop" as he touched it. He noticed that Morgana kept an eye on him the whole time and if he was honest, he didn't blame her. He didn't trust himself either.
"Dinner at last" Morgana sighed as she sat down with their bowls.
"Tank ooooo" Amhar grinned.
"Thank you" Merlin smiled and kissed Morgana, noticing the warning look that she had sent him. Merlin had surprisingly finsihed his marking when she came back with Alfie after putting Amhar to bed, watching something that they found on channel 4.
"You coming up to bed tonight?" Morgana asked as she raised her eyebrows, smiling slightly.
"Maybe" Merlin said, pressing his lips to hers and silencing her, not bothered that she had Alfie in her lap as they snogged.
"Merlin no" Morgana said as she pulled away. The taste of alcohol on him. The bloodshot eyes. The constant shaking that hadn't stopped. "No".
"I ... I'm sorry" Merlin offered slurring his words slightly. "I mean, I couldn't. I just couldn't not".
Morgana stood up with Alfie and took a deep breath. "How much have you had today?".
"Three cans of beer" Merlin admitted with a shrug.
"You can't be this drunk from three beers" Morgana scoffed.
"And three vodka shots and a couple of gin's. But .. what's wrong with it? It's just alcohol".
"It's not just alcohol Merlin" Morgana sighed. "It's what it does to you, how you become as a result. Being drunk all the time".
"Well at least it makes me forget about the shitty pandemic and lockdown" Merlin shrugged.
"Merlin I know, I know it's hard" Morgana put her hand on his shoulder. "Though alcohol isn't the answer. It might seem as though it would help but in the long run it doesn't!".
"I knew this is how you'd react!" Merlin exclaimed. "This is why I didn't want to tell you! For fucks sake! Going on about why it isn't good for me and how things were bad last time blah blah blah".
"Merlin I" tears began to well up in Morgana's eyes.
"I can make my own decision I don't need you mollycoddling me and fucking policing my life choices" Merlin snapped.
"I'm trying to help you!".
"I don't need your fucking help I am fine!" Merlin snarled as he pushed her hand off his arms. He instantly regretted it as he saw her crouch onto the floor into a heap with Alfie and took a breath. "Morgana i—".
"No, Merlin you've said your piece" Morgana said as she stood up. "Drink. Drink as much as you like. Fuck up your body. But one thing I don't want you doing is drinking in front of the kids. Drink all you want but keep the kids out of it. I'm done".
"Morgana" Merlin called.
Morgana turned around and went up the stairs, Alfie crying as they went up to the room.
"Fuck!" Merlin shouted as he punched the coffee table. It hurt like he had expected to, crumbling in on itself in the middle. He'd cut his hand but not too badly. What had he done? He grabbed the dustpan and brush and the hoover, sweeping up as much glass as he could then hoovering it.
Both Merlin and Morgana cried themselves to sleep that night.
5th February 2021
Morgana was happily surprised at waking up to a text from Gwaine which read 'Hope thing are better. See you tmrw'. After Merlin's episode last night Morgana decided to reach out to Gwaine. She knew that Will was Merlin's best friend though he didn't have issues with alcohol like Gwaine did, while they didn't talk much as he was friends with Merlin they were civilised with one another though simply didn't have the time to talk to one another. Gwaine would be free in the afternoon later today so he decided to meet up with Morgana to talk things over with Merlin. Morgana fed Alfie, brushed her teeth, collected Amhar from his room and made her way downstairs.
"Where table?" Amhar asked. Morgana rubbed her eyes, everything was still bleary as she looked around. The coffee table had disappeared.
"I don't know kiddo" Morgana muttered as they went into the kitchen. Merlin was sat at the table with a mug for himself (Morgana was sure that he had hid his alcohol in it), coffee for Morgana and milk for Amhar along with their usual breakfast foods.
"Morning" Merlin greeted and kissed Morgana's cheek. "I made you breakfast". Morgana nodded and strapped Alfie on his highchair while Merlin sorted Amhar before she sat down and sipped at her coffee. "Did you have a good night?".
"Fine" Morgana said.
"The uh...coffee table is broken so I ordered a new one. How's my big boy?".
"I a good big boy" Amhar grinned. "Look! I feed myself".
"You're getting so big" Merlin smiled and hummed as he ruffled Amhar's hair. "Oh! My watch said that I have got an email, let me go check it". Merlin left his mug on the table and headed over to the conservatory. Morgana quickly checked to see what he had—tea, no traces of alcohol. Good. She didn't notice him coming back as she sniffed it.
"I told you I won't drink in front of the kids" Merlin sighed.
"I know what you said" Morgana replied. "I know that you said that".
"Then why are you still mad at me!" Merlin demanded.
"Merlin why do you think!" Morgana exclaimed. She looked at him and noticed his hand shaking slightly as he held his cup of tea. "After all we've been through, after all that's happened .. why. Why Merlin?".
"Why not" Merlin shrugged as he went into the conservatory and took a swig of vodka before slamming the door. Morgana headed back upstairs and left Amhar on her bed with her phone and took Alfie into the bathroom with her while she showered. She put Alfie back in the bedroom and then locked the bathroom door as she took her blade out, sticking to her thighs and a little on her wrists before she went to meet Gwaine.
A/N: So now I've only got a few chapters left in my inventory as I'm so busy with college and work, with so many deadlines looming! I personally think my writing has gotten better as I am writing much longer/better chapters so naturally this takes a while to do. So far I have written up to Valentine's Day and have four chapters left on my inventory so after that's run out I may take a short break from this story while I catch up