Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
Two days have gone by. It's just after lights-out. Eric sits in the darkness of the dormitory, contemplating his next move. He takes a tablet of ibuprofen from the pill bottle and swallows it dry.
Will I bend, or break? Bend, or break?
Never in his life did Eric imagine he would relate to that character, in one of Megan's silly romance novels. What was her name? Marianne Dashwood? A young girl who naïvely gave in to her emotions, and had her heart broken by the man she pined after, later falling deathly ill as a result. That was me, Eric thinks, bitterly. He surrendered to his feelings of guilt, when he wouldn't crush Jason once and for all. And then he got hurt, and fell sick after the surgery, and was knocked out in the infirmary for the next two days.
He ended up missing the knife-throwing lesson. Tobias and Mia had to come and tell him all about it, after they were done. He also missed out on one of Dauntless' most celebrated traditions - the annual game of Capture the Flag. And Tobias' team won! They had fun, while I was stuck inside!
Eric glowers at the wall across from him. No more, he vows to himself. Next time, I won't be so kind. I'll be merciless, so they know I'm serious about this.
On the third day, in the early hours of the morning, Eric became too restless to remain in bed. He crept through the hallways back to the dormitory, ignoring the slight dizziness that still lingered, from the fever. He forced down two ibuprofen tablets and headed straight for the training room.
Surprisingly, the door was not just unlocked, but ajar. Funny, that may have been a sign. By the time the other initiates were shaken awake, the only pain that stayed at the forefront of Eric's mind was from his scabbed-over, blood-caked knuckles.
That day, the name next to Eric's on the sheet of paper was Sean. The kid was acting cocky, as usual. He couldn't possibly know what he was in for.
Five minutes later, Sean was lying on his side on the ground, his bare skin more the color of a fire engine, than beige. His already crooked nose was further deformed, and needed re-setting.
"Thought you'd come back stronger. Good work," Tobias told Eric. And then Tobias was in the arena, facing off against Mia.
That duel lasted ten minutes, and was awful to watch. Eric kept his eyes down most of the time, but refused to say anything. It's just something we all have to do. A Dauntless requirement.
Tobias finally conceded to Mia, yelling something about how he doesn't need to prove his skills that badly, that he won't be punching Mia till she blacks out. Both initiates had blood pouring from their noses, and both needed ice for their faces.
Eric told Mia congratulations, and suggested that Tobias rest up. It's over and done with. Keep your personal feelings out of this.
But worse is yet to come. Amar uncovered the pairings for the final round of fights - Tobias' name was printed next to Jason's. And Eric's - next to Mia's.
Bend, or break? Bend, or break?
He should have known it wouldn't be that simple, to just adopt a new mindset and carry on with it. But he can't go back. Marianne learned her lesson after her crippling illness - he should too.
So after he and Tobias had dinner, Eric said he desired some time alone, to prepare mentally for his final fight. Tobias didn't argue. Eric wished him luck in the match against Jason, and the two went their separate ways. Eric made sure to avoid Mia.
I won't like it, but I'll adjust. I'll bend to their will. I can't allow myself to break, ever again.
Tobias, Year 2143
The training room smells like effort, like sweat and dust and shoes. Every time my fist hits the punching bag, it stings my knuckles, which are split open from a week of Dauntless fights.
"So I guess you saw the boards," Amar says, leaning against the door frame. I pause to look at him. He crosses his arms. "And realized that you're up against Jason tomorrow. Else you'd be hanging out with your friend the Nose, instead of getting cooped up in here."
"I come here, too," I say defensively. I back away from the bag, shaking out my hands. I really need to stop clenching them so hard - I'm starting to lose feeling in my fingertips.
I can't get that awful night out of my head. When I was sure the Dauntless would allow an initiate to die. I just got a glimpse of Dauntless sadism - like a sore festering beneath the flawless image, of strength and bravado. I can't imagine either the Erudite or Amity staff in the city hospital, abandoning a patient because they're supposedly "not strong enough". The Erudite are efficient workers, and the Amity are caring and helpful by nature. Meanwhile, the Dauntless seem to be too absorbed in their leaders' philosophy, of aggressive self-reliance.
But I know what my action plan will be. I won't back out now. I'm not going to refuse to join Dauntless, because of this. If Eric and I make it to the top, and become influential enough, it'll provide an unmissable opportunity to make change.
A Dauntless leader. Could I aim for such a position? I picture myself suggesting to Max that we alter the messed-up health system, create more stringent rules for the combat stage of initiation, introduce safeguards for the old and the sick. The Abnegation in me would do it, for sure.
But that can't be my focus now. I need to climb through the ranks first, and beat Jason on top of that.
"Yeah, I know." Amar laughs. "See, I've been spending time trying to figure out what your deal is. I asked around. Turns out you never spend any time with the other initiates, except for your friend. You always look stressed and exhausted, and you sleep like a corpse."
A drop of sweat rolls down the back of my ear. I wipe it away with my taped-up fingers. What's Amar trying to suggest?
"Joining a faction is about more than getting through initiation, you know," Amar says, and he hooks his fingers in the chain that the punching bag dangles from, testing its strength. "For most of the Dauntless, they find new friends during initiation, meet their girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever. But you seem determined not to have any of these things."
I've seen the Dauntless-born initiates together, getting pierced together and showing up to training with red, studded noses and ears and lips, or building towers out of food scraps at the breakfast table. It never really occurred to me that I could be a member of their pack, or that I should try to be.
I shrug. "I'm used to not having a whole group of friends."
"Well, I feel like you're about to snap, and I don't really want to be there when it happens," Amar says. "Come on. A bunch of us are gonna play a game tonight. A Dauntless game."
I pick at the tape covering one of my knuckles. I shouldn't go out and play games. I should stay here and practice, and then sleep, so I'm ready to face off with Jason tomorrow.
But that voice, the one that says "should", sounds too much like my father's voice, requiring me to behave, to isolate myself. And I came here because I was ready to stop listening to that voice.
"I'm offering you some Dauntless status for no particular reason other than that I feel bad for you," Amar tells me. "Don't be stupid and miss this opportunity."
"Fine," I give in. "What's the game?"
Amar just smiles.
"Hey," Mia calls, to Eric. "How are you doing?"
Eric lies down on his bunk. "I'm fine. Just sort of tired. I need to get to sleep, so I'll be prepared. For my last fight, you know."
Please don't talk to me. It'll only make me feel worse.
To his surprise, Mia doesn't press the issue. She pads over to her bunk and sits down, noiselessly. "Yeah, me too. So… tomorrow. You and me. May the best fighter win?"
Eric turns on his side, and looks straight at her. Her eyes hold no fear or distress or anger. She looks ready to face the oncoming storm, head on.
Like a Dauntless girl should be. Like I should be.
Eric smiles at Mia. "Yeah. May the best of us win."
There's nothing left to say. Nothing left for them to do. Tomorrow morning, Mia will do exactly what's expected of her, and so will Tobias. And so will Eric. Feeling reassured, he turns over in his bed and tries to fall asleep.
The sickness may have almost broken him, but it didn't succeed. He knows he's too strong for that.
AN: Wait - weren't Eric and Tobias supposed to fight? Didn't Tobias mention knocking out one of Eric's teeth? Well, in the Free Four bonus chapter, he never said WHEN he did it, just that he did it. So I promise you, it will happen. Just not now.
Updates will probably get less frequent, since I'm constantly bogged down with schoolwork and other stuff.